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...Luego los caballeros — Transcript

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0:08Alright, as we promised last week, we
0:10are going to continue with the second
0:13part of our message on the deepest
0:15needs of a husband, and that’s why I
0:18brought backup today. Ah, I got a
0:21little help, didn’t I, Karina? And
0:24look, we were talking last week about
0:27how God clearly made men and women very
0:30differently. And not understanding how
0:34those differences affect marriage is
0:36the cause of many problems. To try and
0:39help us understand those differences,
0:41we used an analogy. We said that men
0:44are like waffles, right? We have
0:46everything in separate compartments,
0:48and women are like spaghetti, where
0:50everything is interconnected. So men
0:52compartmentalize everything, don't we?
0:55I mean, as things come in, we assign
0:57them to their particular box, and those
0:59boxes are independent of one another.
1:02But women are not like that. And women,
1:04as things come to them, assign an
1:06emotion to them and put them in the
1:08bowl of spaghetti where everything is
1:10emotionally interconnected. Men,
1:13because we see everything in terms of
1:16goals, become problem solvers, right?
1:19We go into our boxes, look for what
1:21isn't working, and try to fix it. Women
1:24, who see everything in terms of
1:25relationships, have everything
1:26emotionally interconnected all the time
1:28and are trying to make the
1:29relationships work. Okay? Now, the
1:32problem with that is that those
1:34differences make it very hard for us to
1:37understand what our partner's deepest
1:39need is. Since last week, we talked
1:43about the principle of reciprocity,
1:46where if I take care of meeting my
1:48partner's most important needs, she
1:50will begin to care about meeting mine.
1:54But if we don't understand one another,
1:56it is very hard for us to fulfill that
1:58principle. Thank God we have His word,
2:01where we are given a very clear key as
2:03to what those needs are. In Ephesians
2:065:33, the apostle Paul wrote these
2:08words. In any case, let each of you
2:13also love his wife as himself, and let
2:15the wife respect her husband.
2:20Yes, as we saw last week, the deepest
2:23need for a woman is to feel loved, to
2:26have that emotional connection with her
2:29husband,
2:32and the husband’s need is to feel
2:34respected, to feel recognized, to feel
2:36admired by his wife. But the greatest
2:40fear for women is to feel isolated,
2:43that they don't have that emotional
2:45connection with their husband and that
2:48they aren't important to them.
2:52And for the man, due to his need, his
2:54greatest fear is to feel belittled,
2:56humiliated, or unrecognized. Last week
3:01we analyzed in detail how we husbands
3:03can make our wives feel loved. And
3:06today it is the gentlemen's turn. We
3:08are going to see how to make your
3:10husband feel respected.
3:13It is hard for us to understand that we
3:16as women feel loved when we have that
3:19emotional connection. That is how we
3:23feel love. But for gentlemen, it is not
3:26like that. For him, it is about feeling
3:30respected. That connection for him
3:35comes from there. And what what is that
3:38about feeling respected
3:40respect? Look, that is a thing that
3:42causes a lot of confusion often on both
3:44sides, because many times the question
3:47we are asked is, so men don't need to
3:49feel loved? And the answer is,
3:51obviously that is not the case. Men
3:53need to feel loved. The difference is
3:56how we interpret love. We receive love
3:59when we feel respected by our wives. We
4:03feel that we are being loved, but we
4:05feel it through respect. So, the
4:07question is, how? How can you as a wife
4:09manage to make your husband feel
4:11respected? We are going to analyze it
4:13today. Five points as well, like we saw
4:16last week. Number one, notice, it says,
4:19"Your husband feels respected when you
4:21value his desire to work and succeed.
4:25Work and succeed." Look, for us men,
4:29even if it is sometimes hard for you to
4:32understand us, our work is often our
4:34source of pride. I mean, we have the
4:38need to cultivate and to create because
4:41it is something God put in us. God made
4:44us that way. In fact, if we go to the
4:47Bible in Genesis, after God creates man
4:49, the first thing He does is give him a
4:51job, give him work that has to do with
4:53the way He created him. Notice how
4:55Genesis 2:15 describes it. It says, "
4:58The Lord God took the man and put him
5:00in the Garden of Eden to work it and
5:02take care of it." I mean, at that
5:05moment He gave him a job, and that is
5:08why work is of such importance to men.
5:11You can see it in any social gathering
5:14or event, when women get together, they
5:16immediately start making that emotional
5:19connection. The questions are how are
5:23you, where do you live, how many kids
5:25do you have, those kinds of things to
5:27get to know each other emotionally. But
5:32for men, normally the first things they
5:34ask is where do you work, what do you
5:36do for work,
5:37what position do you have and if
5:38possible how much you earn, right?
5:40Because, well, men...Look, for better
5:42or for worse, many men identify
5:44themselves; I mean, their identity
5:46comes from their work, which is a
5:48mistake. But that is what many men do,
5:51and so we want to create a sort of
5:53hierarchy when we meet other people,
5:54and we create it by knowing what they
5:56do for work, what position they hold,
5:58where they more or less stand, right?
6:01Because we feel that work is that
6:02important. But look, I’m going to
6:04tell you what is very interesting in
6:06the Bible. When we see God create Adam,
6:09He finishes creating him, gives him a
6:11job, and we might think that Adam is
6:13now ready to work, but God tells him no
6:15, that he is still missing something.
6:19We can see it a few verses later in
6:21Genesis 2:18, it says, "Then the Lord
6:23God said, 'It is not good that the man
6:25should be alone.'""I will make a helper
6:29fit for him." Look, depending on the
6:32version of the Bible you have, it might
6:34say a suitable helper or a perfect
6:36companion. But, do you know what is
6:38interesting about that passage? What
6:39those words mean in Hebrew. The most
6:42literal translation from the Hebrew
6:44would be a helper that responds to him.
6:48In other words, for God, it is a
6:49perfect help, a help that responds to
6:51his leadership, to the effort he is
6:52going to make to cultivate and to care
6:54for. During courtship, the woman's
6:59message is like this, it is this: she
7:02responds to him saying, "I love you and
7:05I am here for you." You say, you send
7:11the message of respect. I want to know
7:14what you want to be. I want to know all
7:17your dreams. I want to be part of them
7:20and I want you to know that I will be
7:22there with you in all of this.
7:25And we men, when a woman treats us that
7:27way, we are willing to do anything for
7:29that woman. It makes us feel that we
7:32can conquer the world, that we can take
7:34it on. And look, so that you women know
7:38, we think that we are going to enter
7:40this relationship with you and that you
7:42will continue to admire us the same way
7:45always. Sadly, when marriage begins,
7:49things happen that start to change the
7:50dynamic of the relationship. As we saw
7:54at the beginning, because we men are
7:56very goal-oriented, after we achieve
7:58the goal of getting married, we start
8:00chasing the goal of providing; and we
8:02start chasing our work and success, and
8:04cultivating and creating with all our
8:06might. But we don't realize that what
8:10we're doing is taking the attention
8:12that our partner fully had and shifting
8:15it toward chasing work. And so our wife
8:19, little by little, starts to feel like
8:21she's competing against our work for
8:23attention, and then, well, obviously
8:25she starts to feel abandoned and
8:26gradually stops admiring her husband;
8:28and the husband, no matter how hard he
8:30tries to get the admiration he expects,
8:32gets the opposite.
8:35But your husband wants a woman who
8:37believes in him. Men do what they do
8:41for the admiration and love of a woman.
8:45That’s right. Back in dating. You
8:48believed in him, you appreciated him,
8:50you did it, and not only did you
8:52appreciate him, but you told him so.
8:56That’s why he married you.
9:00Look, it's evident how many times women
9:02don't realize how crucial that area is
9:04for us, because we see it in counseling
9:06when, suddenly, women, without
9:08realizing what they are doing, belittle
9:10or ridicule their husband in the area
9:12of work, in the area of what he does,
9:14and they don't realize that is an
9:16attack on the most central part of us,
9:18which is our source of pride, and that
9:20is where it hurts us the most. We saw
9:26in the Ping Pong game a few weeks ago
9:29how we start the relationship, each one
9:32making an effort to care for the other
9:35and communicate with each other, but
9:38how over time external factors start to
9:41enter our relationship like work, home,
9:44kids. All of this starts to affect our
9:49relationship and communication, and
9:52maybe life doesn't go exactly as we
9:55want and we start focusing on negative
9:58things.
10:01We stop seeing what our husband does do
10:04, and we also stop seeing the blessings
10:08that we do have.
10:11And then, obviously, we start having
10:12problems. So, we have some
10:13recommendations for this point.
10:16First, this week I want you to make an
10:20effort every single day to thank your
10:23husband. Before going to sleep or at
10:27some point during the day, you have to
10:30find something to say thank you for. It
10:33can be as simple as him making your tea
10:36like Marco did for me this morning, and
10:39every Sunday it could be that he fills
10:42up your car's gas tank so you don't
10:44have to make that trip to the gas
10:47station. It could be that he sits with
10:51your kids and does their homework with
10:53them patiently, but it's about telling
10:55him, thank you, thank you for the
10:57effort you make to take care of our
10:59family. Other recommendations: look,
11:02allow your husband to dream about
11:04projects just like when you first
11:06started your relationship. Look, when
11:08we start dating, we men often tell you
11:10about projects, some of which are
11:12half-baked pipe dreams, right? But our
11:14wife says to us, "Hey, I believe in you
11:16, I support you, I have faith in you."
11:17And that makes us feel wonderful. And I
11:20know that sometimes we men come up with
11:22ideas about what we're going to do,
11:23that you might think, "That's totally
11:24unrealistic, right?" But remember that
11:27all great things in this life started
11:29with a dream. So, let him dream. Do not
11:33dishonor or criticize his work to try
11:35to achieve more love. That is not going
11:37to work. In fact, the opposite happens.
11:39What you have to do is express your
11:41faith in him regarding his work, and
11:43you will see how he starts to respond
11:45very differently. Okay? Number two,
11:49your husband feels respected when you
11:51allow him to exercise leadership by
11:53valuing his desire to lead and provide.
11:57Look, those are two concepts where a
11:59man notices that you are letting him be
12:01the leader. If you let him lead and
12:03provide—let's look at both. Look, uh,
12:06this is another thing that God placed
12:08in us. The call to lead was not only
12:11placed in us when He designed us, He
12:13makes us responsible for being the
12:15leaders of our family. He says, "That
12:19family structure is found in Ephesians
12:215." I am going to read a passage that,
12:23well, uh, especially in the modern era,
12:25has become one of the most
12:26controversial passages regarding
12:28marriage. Ephesians 5, verses 22
12:31through 24, says this. It says, "Wives,
12:35submit to your own husbands as to the
12:37Lord, for the husband is the head of
12:39his wife, just as Christ is the head
12:42and savior of the church, which is His
12:44body. Just as the church submits to
12:48Christ, so also wives should submit to
12:50their husbands in everything." I don't
12:53know why there is so much controversy,
12:54it's not that bad, but well, this...
12:59Look, the word submission in our day is
13:01obviously not a very well-regarded word
13:03, uh, but I believe this is a problem
13:05of interpretation where people don't
13:07know exactly what this passage is
13:09saying. It says, "This part where it
13:13says the husband is the head of his
13:14wife, as Christ is the head of the
13:16church," is referring to a military
13:17term. "Head" was the term used for the
13:21soldier who first made contact with the
13:23enemy line in battle and opened a path
13:25for the others to follow behind. So, it
13:28refers to the person who goes in front,
13:30clearing the way; they are the provider
13:32, the protector, the one who leads and
13:34decides the direction. Okay? Why is
13:37there a controversy? Because, in a way,
13:40this verse establishes a hierarchy in
13:42marriage that women don't like, because
13:45we men have misinterpreted it. Many men
13:49have taken that passage as saying, "The
13:51man is the boss, right? He is there so
13:53his wife can serve him." But, but
13:56notice who he is comparing this
13:57leadership to. He says, "Just as Christ
14:00loved the church." Think about what
14:03Jesus Christ did for the church. I mean
14:06, Jesus Christ himself said, "I did not
14:09come to be served, I came to serve." A
14:14good leader would never take advantage
14:16of their position by demanding service
14:18from the people they are supposed to
14:20lead. Quite the opposite. Leadership is
14:23service. And that's why, look, for this
14:26to work, we started last week with how
14:28to make your wife feel loved, because
14:30for her to respond in this way, you
14:32have to make her the most important
14:34person in the world. You have to listen
14:38to her, you have to think of her first.
14:41That is when she can respond to you.
14:45But the wife's responsibility is to
14:48support her husband's role as a leader.
14:55It is clear that neither is superior to
14:57the other. The Bible is clear on that.
15:01It says in Genesis 1:27, "God created
15:04man in his own image, male and female,"
15:08but there is a final person responsible
15:12, and God placed that on the man, and
15:16he needs your unconditional support. He
15:22has to know that you are there with him
15:25in everything, that you respect his
15:28leadership. Many women think, well, he
15:33can make the decision he wants,
15:35whatever he thinks is right, that's
15:38fine. As long as I agree with him. Then
15:43yes, right?
15:45But that is not how we respect our
15:48husband's leadership.
15:50Look, the way marriage truly works
15:52correctly in this area is when there is
15:55genuinely a positive cycle of love and
15:57respect, because that is the only way
15:59you can reach agreements that are
16:01healthy for the marriage. See, if the
16:05man listens to his partner, hears her
16:08opinions, and shows her he is listening
16:10, then the woman is more readily
16:12willing to yield the leadership to the
16:15man. Well, I’m going to tell you how
16:18how our relationship works. Uh, in our
16:20home, the vast majority of decisions
16:23made in our house are made by Karina. I
16:27mean, I let her decide; that’s why my
16:29bedspread has flowers on it, eh? I mean
16:32, she can really choose and decide on
16:35tons of things. Why? Because I know
16:39there's a possibility that a moment
16:40will come where we have to make a
16:42decision where if we don't agree, I'm
16:43going to have to say, "Okay, but the
16:45decision is mine to make.""So, what
16:48I've noticed is that when I allow her
16:50to make almost all the decisions, and
16:52she also always feels heard, when a
16:54moment arrives where we have that
16:56difference of opinion, I'll tell you
16:58how she responds. She says to me," Okay
17:00, I have a different opinion. This is
17:02what I think, and this, and this. I
17:03think this and this could happen, but
17:05the decision is yours. "" So, you
17:07decide that. "I feel the weight of the
17:10responsibility on my shoulders. Really,
17:13my pride disappears, saying, I have to
17:14decide, because she is telling me, no,
17:16no, no, the one who is going to decide
17:17is you. What are we going to do? And
17:19then, obviously, I weigh everything on
17:20the scales, everything she told me, all
17:22the recommendations, and many times I
17:24end up deciding more on her side than
17:26my own, although sometimes there are
17:27moments I say," Okay, we're going to do
17:29this. "But when I see that she yields
17:31the leadership to me, then I feel
17:33respected and I feel more
17:35responsibility to do things the right
17:36way. When we value his role as leader,
17:41he will lead better and will feel
17:45respected,
17:47which is what we are trying to achieve,
17:48right? Now, that is regarding leading.
17:51It also lets him feel that he has
17:53leadership when you recognize his
17:55effort to provide. Look, that is
17:58another thing that God put in us. When
18:01we make an effort to provide and you
18:03recognize it for us, that is when we
18:04want to put in even more effort. God
18:08placed the desire to provide in the
18:10soul of the man, and you don’t know
18:13how susceptible we are to feeling hurt
18:15or belittled in that area of our life.
18:19That is where it hurts us the most.
18:21Yes. And when you are about to enter a
18:25discussion or a talk to make a decision
18:28, before you speak, think: is what I am
18:32going to say something constructive or
18:35destructive? will build the
18:40relationship I have with my husband,
18:43the words I am going to use in those
18:46moments when we might be arguing about
18:49something, a topic in wanting to win
18:52the point, we did things that later we
18:59regret. It says in the Bible in
19:05Proverbs 14: 1," The wise woman builds
19:08her house, the foolish one tears it
19:11down with her own hands. "The words we
19:17use should always be edifying for our
19:20relationship. If we want a relationship
19:25, a marriage based on love and respect,
19:29well, we have to accept my husband's
19:32leadership and give him the respect he
19:36needs.
19:39And look, eh, something we have seen in
19:41marriages where they are fighting for
19:44the position of leadership. Look, a
19:47marriage without a head is a headless
19:49marriage. That is to say, there is no
19:53healthy planned direction, they spend
19:55their time fighting and never move
19:57forward anywhere. Recommendations in
20:00this regard.
20:02First, never ridicule his effort to
20:04provide. You, the wives, we should be
20:10the best cheerleader and primary
20:12cheerleader for our husbands. you must
20:17support him in those moments. When
20:19difficult moments arrive, you must be
20:21there as support for him. When we got
20:26married, we made promises, we took vows
20:29that we were going to be with him in
20:31health and in poverty,
20:35in sickness,
20:36in sickness,
20:38poverty, wealth
20:42and also in good times and in bad. we
20:45were going to be, we made the promise
20:47that we were going to be there with him
20:49.
20:51Look, if at this moment your husband is
20:53not being the leader you expect him to
20:55become, eh, believe me that criticizing
20:58and humiliating him does not help, eh,
21:00quite the opposite. I mean, if you want
21:04him to start leading, what you have to
21:05do is praise him and appreciate what he
21:07does, the few things he does, praise
21:09them for him, because we repeat the
21:10behavior that is recognized.
21:13And if there are problems in a marriage
21:15, maybe he is not being the leader you
21:17expect, the best thing we can do is
21:19look at ourselves.
21:23We should look and say, is there
21:25something I should change in my
21:27behavior that will help him be the
21:30leader. that God created him to be
21:33instead of criticizing, evidently.
21:36Number three, your husband feels
21:38respected when you appreciate his
21:40desire to analyze and advise. Analyze
21:43and advise. Look, eh, we mentioned this
21:46last week. We men are by nature fixers
21:50of things, and so many times we want to
21:52fix our wife's life, we want to give
21:53her advice on how to do things, even if
21:55it's not what she needs or what she
21:57wants. Okay. But believe us, when we do
22:01it, we feel like we are helping in some
22:04way, right? Uh, the problem is this,
22:08look, when the cycle of love and
22:09respect is functioning negatively, when
22:11you are in the alienating cycle, if the
22:13husband suddenly gives advice when
22:15it’s not being asked for, the wife
22:17explodes easily, right? She rejects the
22:20husband's advice and then the husband
22:23feels useless, he feels unappreciated,
22:25less motivated to love his wife, and
22:27then we grow further apart. And when we
22:30grow apart, what we do is lose out on
22:32the natural gifts of our partner.
22:35Because look, women, uh, have a natural
22:37intuition for relationships. And when
22:40we are separated, the man misses out on
22:42that intuition, and women, when they
22:44are separated from their husband, lose
22:46the practical discernment that God
22:48gives to men. It would be very helpful
22:52for us to remember, when you are
22:55talking about something with your
22:57husband and he immediately starts
22:59wanting to fix your life for you. He
23:04isn't necessarily saying he doesn't
23:06think you are capable of handling the
23:09situation. Rather, it’s his way of
23:13saying that he loves you and wants to
23:16serve and take care of you. And you
23:19know what, that helps a lot because we
23:20make mistakes, don't we? I mean, it’s
23:23a natural instinct that a man has to
23:25want to tell a woman things, how she
23:27has to do things, but they don't know
23:29how wonderfully it works when you
23:31respond in a loving way instead of
23:33ironically or aggressively. Look, let
23:35me tell you, when we are driving,
23:37usually when Karine and I are in the
23:40car, I’m the one driving, right? I
23:42don't know if it's out of habit or
23:43because I want to control the universe,
23:45but usually I’m driving, right? When
23:48it’s more practical for her to drive,
23:50maybe she’s dropping me off somewhere
23:51or something, then she drives, I’m in
23:53the passenger seat, and when we arrive,
23:54I just get out and she keeps going,
23:56right? Obviously, even though she is
23:58driving, I’m also driving, right? I
24:00mean, I don't know if that happens to
24:01you, right? But you're accelerating,
24:03you're braking, right? I say the other
24:05day, uh, we were about to enter an
24:07avenue, right? We were stopped to turn
24:09onto the avenue and a truck was coming
24:11slowly in the first lane. I saw that
24:12Karina saw she had time to go, but on
24:14the other side of the truck a car was
24:15coming fast, right? So I immediately
24:17said," Careful, because a car is coming
24:18fast on that side, "right? And Karina
24:20turned and said to me," Thank you, my
24:22love. "I mean, instead of saying to me,
24:24" Do you think I'm blind? "No, or
24:26something worse, right? Or saying, I
24:28don't know how I could've survived all
24:30these years when you aren't around,
24:31right? I mean, she could've said
24:33anything to me, right? No, but she
24:35turned and said," Thank you, my love. "
24:38And that’s when it fully hits me that
24:40she already saw the car, that I don't
24:41need to tell her, but you appreciate it
24:43, right? I mean, you say," It's so cool
24:46that instead of attacking me, she says
24:47thank you, right? "Or or consider
24:49another situation. Some time ago she
24:52decided to change the place where she
24:54got her hair done because no matter how
24:55much she tried to explain, they did
24:57different things, and the last time we
24:58were there I picked her up, in fact she
25:00came out of the salon, got in the car
25:02and I saw she was upset, right? I said,
25:04" What happened? "She said," Well, I
25:06told them clearly I wanted this and
25:07this and I didn't want this. "And it
25:08was exactly what they did. Right then I
25:10stopped the car and said," I'm going to
25:11talk to him. "And she grabbed my arm
25:13and said," No, you're not going to talk
25:14to anyone. "I said," But you tell me
25:16yes. I can fight my own battles
25:18perfectly well. I'm telling you so you
25:20know how I'm feeling right now. So, you
25:22don't know how much it helps. For us to
25:25be told clearly.
25:30Yes, he still hasn't grasped this
25:32mind-reading thing. I'm still waiting.
25:36Recommendations.
25:40Recommendation one. Tell him in advance
25:43. I want to tell you what happened. You
25:46don't need to, I know what I'm going to
25:48do, it's fine. You don't have to tell
25:50me what to do or how to do it, how to
25:52fix the situation. I just want to tell
25:55you.
25:55And men, if she doesn't ask you, if she
25:57doesn't say what would you do? Or
26:01however much you want to. And second,
26:04recognize that this fixing things is
26:08part of a man's DNA and it's their way
26:13of empathizing with us.
26:16It is our way of connecting, wanting to
26:18tell you what to do. Okay. Well, four.
26:20Let's see if they believe that one.
26:22Your husband feels respected when you
26:25value his need for friendship and fun.
26:30If your husband has a need for
26:32friendship and fun in his relationships
26:34, and obviously the most wonderful
26:36thing is that you are his best friend.
26:39Look, in this part, we talked at the
26:41beginning of the series: how unfair
26:43things happen to both sometimes, or at
26:45least to one of the two? Because at the
26:48start of a relationship, we are always
26:49willing to do things the other likes,
26:51even if I don't like them much, because
26:53we are in the chase; but then we get
26:54married and that starts to change,
26:56right? So, for the relationship to work
26:59, there should be flexibility on both
27:01sides. In fact, Philippians 2: 4 says,
27:05"Do not look only to your own interests
27:07, but also to the interests of others."
27:10So, we should take an interest in the
27:12interests of the other. But look, this
27:15is where it applies especially to men.
27:18Women need to understand us. We are
27:20little boys in big bodies. We like to
27:23have fun, and for many of us, the
27:25things that were fun when we were much
27:27younger don't amuse us anymore, and
27:29some we can no longer do. So, we have
27:31fun watching them. That's why we like
27:33sports so much, because we often live
27:35through seeing other people doing the
27:37things that excite us most. But do you
27:39know what we want in a relationship?
27:42For me, what's most fun is when I see
27:44something that excites me with her,
27:46when she sits down with me to watch it,
27:48right? And those things are so much fun
27:51for me to watch together, to enjoy
27:53together, to talk about what's
27:54happening together. Look, things we
27:57sometimes see in counseling. We had a
28:00couple where he was explaining to us,
28:02saying, "I was waiting for this game
28:03with excitement, and we were going to
28:05watch it together, and the game starts
28:06and I tell her, 'The game started, come
28:08sit down.'" She says, "I'm finishing
28:10cleaning the kitchen.""As soon as I
28:12finish, I'll go." And he was saying, "
28:13What does the kitchen matter?""Leave
28:15the kitchen, come sit next to me, I
28:16want us to watch it." And she thought,
28:18"My message of love is to have the
28:20house clean for him." But he was
28:22telling her, "That's not what I need
28:24right now.""I want to have fun with you
28:26." So, we need to make that connection
28:29with you through fun. But also men,
28:32just like women need time to be with
28:36other women and enjoy the company of
28:39women, men also need to have that time
28:43with friends and enjoy the company of
28:46other men. Exactly. No, we need to
28:50release male energy and tell jokes that
28:52we don't tell in front of our wives. No
28:54, that's not true. Um, no, but look, in
28:57this matter, men and women need to have
28:59, uh, groups of friends, uh, where we
29:02can release male energy, but there is a
29:05word of caution I need to give to all
29:07men and to women as well. This applies
29:10to both sides. You have to be careful
29:13who your group of friends is, who your
29:15group of girlfriends is. We have seen
29:19many marriages end very badly when one
29:22of the two has a group of friends who
29:24are perhaps all single. Whether maybe
29:27you were the first in the group to get
29:29married and your friends are still that
29:30group, or people who have been married
29:32for many years and suddenly their
29:33friends are mostly divorced. Look, I
29:36want to be very careful with this
29:38because I am not suggesting in the
29:39slightest that because you are married
29:41you cannot have single or divorced
29:42friends. That's not what I am saying,
29:46but if your primary circle of influence
29:48is a group of people who do not have
29:50the same family responsibilities as you
29:52and they influence you, you will end up
29:55with a bad marriage and we have seen it
29:571,000 times. Okay? If you are a
30:01positive influence for them, then what
30:03a blessing. But if they are an
30:06influence on you, they will start to
30:08pull you toward things that will end
30:09your marriage. Okay? Another thing to
30:14take care of in our marriage is that we
30:16need balance. You need balance in your
30:20marriage. We saw again, like the ping
30:24pong game, how external factors once
30:27married start to enter, like the house,
30:30work, children. All these practical
30:35things we have to take care of are
30:38necessary, but then what gets left
30:40behind is that time to have fun with
30:43your husband, like you did during your
30:46dating years. We have to purposefully
30:51make time to connect with our spouse as
30:55friends. Exactly. And look, in that
30:59sense, obviously for women, their way
31:00of connecting is talking, but for us,
31:02sometimes it is having fun. So, that is
31:04why there has to be that balance. It
31:07says: "Many marriages that we have seen
31:09end very badly are people who start to
31:12have fun but separately, where the
31:14husband always has fun with his friends
31:16, the wife with her friends, and then
31:19they start to make a mental association
31:21where fun is always without their
31:23partner and that starts to tear people
31:26apart terribly." See in Proverbs 5:18,
31:29we are given this instruction, may your
31:32wife be a source of blessing to you.
31:35Rejoice with the wife of your youth. It
31:37is saying it, have fun with the wife of
31:39your youth. But obviously you have to
31:42participate; you have to be a person
31:44who also wants to have fun with your
31:46husband. Recommendations regarding this
31:49.
31:50First, schedule dates to do fun things,
31:53because we know that with everything we
31:56have, the responsibilities we have, the
31:59realities, if we just say, yeah, we
32:02have to do that. And we have to do
32:06things together. One day we'll do it.
32:10It never happens. If you don't give it
32:14equal importance and put it on the
32:16calendar, the reality is that it will
32:19likely never happen, or there will be
32:21very little time to have fun together.
32:26Second, enjoy each other's company even
32:28while doing nothing. Sitting on a sofa
32:33in your living room, each reading a
32:36book or watching a television show is
32:39also part of spending time together.
32:44And in fact, look, at this point, if
32:46you have the hope of staying together
32:48until death do you part, after several
32:50years you will need to be able to sit
32:52with your partner without anything
32:54happening and simply enjoy their
32:56company. So start practicing it.
32:59And lastly, allow your husband to have
33:02activities with his friends too.
33:05Finally, number five. Your husband
33:07feels respected when you recognize and
33:10satisfy his desire for sexual intimacy.
33:13Pay attention, this is the most
33:14important one of all. They all have the
33:19same importance. But look, I’m going
33:21to tell you why this topic is so
33:23important and why it’s on the
33:24husband's side. Uh, obviously both have
33:28a need for sexual satisfaction, but for
33:32a man, it is a priority that is at a
33:35higher level. Now, the delicate thing
33:39about this matter is that the most
33:41satisfying sexual relations in marriage
33:44—that is, when both enjoy it—
33:46because there are many marriages where
33:48only one of the two enjoys it, and we
33:50already know who we are talking about,
33:53right? So, for both to enjoy it, the
33:57relations must be the product of an
33:59atmosphere of love and respect. That
34:03means both parties must be involved in
34:06this. Look, this is so important that
34:09we are going to have a message
34:11especially dedicated to sexual
34:12relations. In fact, it's the one for
34:14next week. We are going to have videos
34:16and graphics so you know well. But yes,
34:22we will talk specifically about sexual
34:24relations next week. That is why today
34:27there are only two things we need to
34:29touch on.
34:31First, your husband needs to release
34:34sexual energy. Just as you need to
34:38release that emotional energy, you need
34:41that emotional connection with your
34:43husband, he needs that sexual
34:46connection with you.
34:49Actually, those two things complement
34:51each other, as we will discuss next
34:53week, but look, see what First
34:54Corinthians 7: 3 says. It says, "The
34:58husband should fulfill his marital duty
35:00to his wife, and likewise the wife to
35:02her husband." The second thing is that
35:07it is unbiblical to use sex as a weapon
35:10of control. If your way of winning
35:16arguments or discussions is to withhold
35:20sex from your husband until he gives in
35:23and gives you what you want. You are
35:28using it as a weapon of war. And by
35:32using it as a weapon of war, you are
35:35saying that my marriage is going to be
35:39a battlefield.
35:40A battlefield. Exactly.
35:42And this leads to bad things,
35:44right? In fact, look, in many marriages
35:47where sex is used as a tool of
35:49manipulation for the couple, they often
35:52end in divorce, and the Bible is very
35:55clear about the risk they put each
35:57other in when that is what happens. In
36:01First Corinthians 7: 5, the apostle
36:04Paul says, "Do not deprive each other
36:06except perhaps by mutual consent and
36:08for a time, so that you may devote
36:10yourselves to prayer.""Then come
36:13together again so that Satan will not
36:16tempt you because of your lack of
36:18self-control." Look, this verse is not
36:22a justification for anyone to commit
36:24infidelity, but you need to understand
36:27that when you deny sexual relations to
36:29your partner, you are putting them in a
36:31very compromised situation because it
36:34is a need they have. So, we have to be
36:37very careful with how we handle these
36:39things. Next week we'll talk more about
36:41this, but for now, some recommendations
36:43.
36:43First, respond sexually to your husband
36:47. Don't just respond; it's possible
36:53that sometimes one takes the initiative
36:56with clothes, candles, whatever, to
36:59send him the message that you do want
37:02to be with him in that way too, and we
37:06can initiate it as well. We are very
37:10happy. And a second recommendation,
37:13look, a dose of respect is worth more
37:16than a dose of Viagra. And I know this
37:20sounds like a joke, but it isn't. Look,
37:23statistically, this is very well
37:25studied. The great majority of men who
37:29have a permanent extramarital affair
37:31with another woman is not because the
37:33other woman looks better than his wife,
37:35it's because of how she makes him feel.
37:40When a man at home feels humiliated,
37:43despised, ignored, and a woman outside
37:46his home starts to give him admiration,
37:48give him respect, he falls completely,
37:51because it is a need for us to feel
37:54respected. So, respecting your husband
37:58is the most powerful aphrodisiac there
38:00is for a man. Okay? And lastly, well,
38:04although we already said it, don't use
38:06sexual relations as a method of
38:08manipulation. That's right. Well, look,
38:11last week we analyzed two cycles; if
38:13you remember, we talked about the
38:15energizing cycle, where his love
38:18motivates her respect, her respect
38:20motivates his love, uh, which makes the
38:22relationship better and better. But we
38:27also talked about the alienating cycle,
38:29where without love she responds without
38:31respect, and without respect he
38:32responds without love, and so the cycle
38:34keeps getting worse. And we talked
38:38about how the way we have to break the
38:40alienating cycle is to start taking
38:42action. We men should be the ones, but
38:45the truth is that whichever of the two
38:47starts, things start to improve. But
38:50the cycle that we should all truly
38:52arrive at is a cycle called the
38:54rewarding cycle. And this is so
38:57important that I put a card in your
38:59program so you can see what it's about,
39:01take it with you, and remember what it
39:03means. Look at the rewarding cycle; it
39:07says, "His love does not depend on her
39:10respect, and her respect does not
39:12depend on his love." Right, that is the
39:17design of marriage according to the
39:19Bible, where we are asking both sides.
39:23For one, something we have already
39:25heard many times; for the other,
39:26something we had never heard, because
39:28the man is asked to love his wife
39:30unconditionally, but the woman is asked
39:32to respect her husband unconditionally.
39:35The Bible tells us that when we do this
39:37, that is when marriage works best. And
39:41I know, especially if right now your
39:43marriage is in an alienating cycle,
39:45that is, if you are having certain
39:47problems, I know because people tell us
39:49in counseling, they say, "But I'm
39:51afraid to do that." I mean, if I just
39:56start giving and giving and giving,
39:57won't they treat me like a doormat,
39:59won't they walk all over me, and abuse
40:01that? Look, you have to believe in the
40:05principle of reciprocity. From our own
40:08experience and 16 years of marriage
40:10counseling, we have seen that when one
40:12person in a couple starts to love their
40:14wife unconditionally, or a wife starts
40:16to respect her husband unconditionally,
40:18even if the relationship is in a bad
40:20place, it is only a matter of time
40:22before the other starts to respond
40:24positively, and that is when marriage
40:26is at its most beautiful. Look, for us,
40:29you have no idea how heartbreaking it
40:32is to see married people suffering in a
40:35relationship that could be so fun, so
40:37wonderful, but we also understand what
40:40the biggest problem we have is. In
40:43other words, to love unconditionally
40:44and respect unconditionally, for us
40:46fallen beings, is impossible. We do not
40:49have within us what is necessary to be
40:51able to do that. We love conditionally,
40:53and that is why it is so important that
40:56you understand how crucial your
40:58relationship with God is. He is the
41:01only source of unconditional love in
41:03the universe. And when you are truly
41:06connected to Him through His son Jesus
41:08Christ, a transformation comes into
41:10your heart that allows you to truly
41:11love unconditionally and keep giving
41:13and keep giving, because the place you
41:15get it from is God. But if you do not
41:18have that connection, this is
41:20impossible. Jesus Christ told us
41:22clearly in John 15: 5. He says, "He who
41:25remains in me, as I in him, will bear
41:28much fruit; apart from me......you can
41:31do nothing." And, look, this refers
41:34specifically to spiritual things. Jesus
41:37Christ is saying, "Apart from me, you
41:39cannot do anything spiritually." And
41:43that is why we have to understand that
41:45a truly healthy marriage is not just a
41:46physical or practical thing; it is a
41:48spiritual thing. And if you do not have
41:52that connection with Jesus Christ,
41:54spiritually you cannot do anything. But
41:58, holding His hand, consistently
42:00receiving from Him, you can start to
42:02love your wife as she is, you can start
42:05to respect your husband as he is, focus
42:07on the positive things, on the things
42:10he does do, and start to motivate him
42:12so that, more and more, that cycle
42:14becomes rewarding. And when that
42:17happens, marriage is beautiful.
42:21Two final recommendations. First, this
42:26is an assignment for the wives. You are
42:30going to write a letter to your husband
42:32. It can be a text if you want, an
42:36email, or handwritten, but you are
42:39going to write your husband a letter
42:41telling him that you are proud of him.
42:46What things you are proud of him for,
42:49that you respect him. That you are
42:52happy he is your husband, that you have
42:56a life together. And second, every week
43:00we have asked you to plan an activity
43:02for different things. This week is time
43:05for a fun or romantic activity. You
43:08have to plan it this week—I mean, it
43:10doesn't have to happen this week, but
43:13you must plan it this week—so that
43:15soon you'll have an activity together
43:17that is something fun, something
43:19healthy, or something romantic. Look,
43:22these things we're telling you, the
43:23truth is that sometimes women don't
43:25realize the power they hold in their
43:27hands when giving those messages of
43:29respect to their husbands. A few years
43:32ago, we talked about this same topic of
43:35love and respect. And a couple here
43:37from the church, Raimundo Acosta and
43:39his wife Argelia, who are good friends
43:42of ours, she surprised Raimundo by
43:44sending him a note, and Raimundo was so
43:46moved by the note she wrote him that he
43:48started sharing it; he shared it with
43:51me, he shared it with his dad, right?
43:54So I asked him for permission back then
43:55to share it, and he said yes, so I hope
43:57that permission still applies, Ray,
43:58wherever you are, because I’m going
44:00to share it again. But look at the
44:03beautiful note that Argelia wrote to
44:06him. She writes it like this, she says,
44:08"Hi, love. It came to my mind when we
44:10got married and what we said at the end
44:12of the wedding. Do you remember it?" He
44:14got nervous there. No, he said, "But no
44:17." She says, it’s even recorded. And
44:20well, from what I remember I said—
44:23notice how she focuses it on herself
44:25and not on him. She says, "From what I
44:28remember I said was that apart from
44:30communication there must be admiration,
44:32and believe me, I admire you, Ray. I
44:35admire you when we run together because
44:37I know you don't like it, yet you do it
44:38anyway. I admire you when you sleep
44:41because it shows you enjoy that rest. I
44:43admire you when you work because of the
44:45dedication you put into your work. You
44:47like it. I admire how you are with your
44:49daughters when you draw them pictures,
44:51when you make them read. I admire how
44:54you love me. Thank you for giving me
44:56your love. I adore you. I love you.
44:58Argelia." Can you imagine how Raimundo
45:01felt? Raimundo was walking on air that
45:06day, right? I mean, he shared it with
45:08his dad, and his dad called him and
45:10said, "Well, what are you celebrating
45:12or what? No, what happened?" And when
45:15Raimundo shared it with me, I called
45:17Argelia the following week and said, "
45:19Hey, how did he respond? How did he
45:21behave?""She told me," No, man, you
45:22don't know the most loving person in
45:23the world. In fact, this weekend he
45:26cleaned the house, made us food, right?
45:29I mean, you don't realize the power of
45:32words of respect towards a man. When
45:37you truly care about meeting that need,
45:40no matter how strange it may seem, that
45:43is when we men respond best. And so, if
45:47both of us—mind you, men do the tasks
45:50from last week and women start doing
45:52the tasks from this week—and you hold
45:54onto God’s hands, we are going to
45:56have wonderful marriages in this church
45:59and we are going to shine with the
46:01light of God before a world so dark
46:03that needs it so much. Uh, so let's
46:06place ourselves in His hands in prayer
46:09to finish this message. Father, uh we
46:12thank you, Lord, for your love. Uh, we
46:15thank you for your word, Lord, which is
46:18so clear, so practical, that it guides
46:21us so closely to knowing what things we
46:23have to do so that our marriages shine
46:26with your light. But we know, Lord,
46:30that the most important ingredient for
46:32this marriage to work is our
46:34relationship with you, Lord. Help us,
46:37Father. We need you to be permanently
46:40connected, so that we can bear
46:42wonderful spiritual fruit. I ask you
46:46for each of the couples that are here,
46:48for the people who at some point you
46:50know will be married, ah, for the
46:51people who are not married and are not
46:53going to be married, Lord, but who you
46:55know this information also has a
46:57positive impact on. Help us to be
47:00humble, Lord, to focus on ourselves and
47:02not on the other side, not on our
47:04partner. Ah, to encourage instead of
47:07criticizing, Lord, to be a light
47:09instead of bringing darkness to our
47:11relationships. I ask you especially,
47:14Lord, for those couples who are
47:15suffering right now, that they may know
47:17, Lord, that you are suffering with
47:19them, that what you want is to heal
47:21their hearts and resurrect their
47:22relationship. Uh, give them, Lord, the
47:25courage to make the decision, to take
47:28action, to draw closer to you and start
47:30working on these things that very
47:32quickly can start to transform the
47:34dynamics in their relationship. We want
47:37to place ourselves all in your hands,
47:39Lord, so that we may powerfully feel
47:41your presence and be able to live as
47:43you teach us to live and shine with
47:45your light, Lord, in this city that
47:47needs it so much. We ask and offer all
47:50these things unto thee, O Lord, in the
47:52powerful name of thy son Jesus Christ.
47:55Amen.

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