Lou Sanders: Dating Older Men - Live At The Apollo 2019 | Jokes On Us — Transcript

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1. 0:01hello lovely to be here
2. 0:04um when you do comedy what you've got to
3. 0:06do is set yourself up at the start so
4. 0:08everyone gets your Vibe you know because
5. 0:10you're looking at me yeah you're
6. 0:11thinking I'm fit but what's a vibe
7. 0:14and all the comedians do it they come
8. 0:16out and they'll tell you a little
9. 0:18anecdote and you'll be like oh yeah he's
10. 0:19the Posh one there's loads of them or
11. 0:22she's the one with OCD or he's the one
12. 0:25that pretends he's a feminist to get
13. 0:27more purse
14. 0:30all of them
15. 0:32straight ones so I guess the thing to
16. 0:35tell you about me so you get my vibe is
17. 0:37a little while ago I put on makeup to
18. 0:41Skype a baby
19. 0:47I used to be and this is going to sound
20. 0:49really braggy but it used to be honestly
21. 0:51I used to be the prettiest cleverest
22. 0:53girl in my class
23. 0:54if I was homeschooled so
24. 0:58I wasn't that academic at school
25. 1:00actually but I loved philosophy and I
26. 1:02still love philosophy like I'm always
27. 1:03thinking about life's big questions the
28. 1:06other day I was thinking what if all
29. 1:08this time it was Shaggy
30. 1:16I am I've been in a man band uh well
31. 1:19it's over now I can't stress that enough
32. 1:20let the dog see the rabbit
33. 1:23but I wasn't a man band for a year right
34. 1:25and that was to reset my patterns so
35. 1:27they didn't fancy skateboarders
36. 1:29I had like commitment issues with guys I
37. 1:32would say not as bad as my friend
38. 1:33Shannon though oh my God my friend
39. 1:35Shannon the biggest a-hole in the room
40. 1:37she would identify him and be like yeah
41. 1:38I love him
42. 1:43to other people with commitment issues
43. 1:44because like attracts like but you don't
44. 1:46realize you're part of the problem
45. 1:49one day she decided right I want to go
46. 1:51to the good guy I want to get married
47. 1:53right so she popped herself on Guardian
48. 1:55soul mates just popped herself on and
49. 1:57she was still attracting hookups so I
50. 1:59said well let me have a look at your
51. 2:00profile because I'm very emotionally
52. 2:01intelligent and
53. 2:04you are
54. 2:06actually because straight away I spotted
55. 2:08the problem right so she's on Guardian
56. 2:10soul mates and she hadn't written enough
57. 2:11about herself and I think that was
58. 2:13problem number one because I think
59. 2:14you've got to give of yourself you've
60. 2:16got to be a bit vulnerable and she
61. 2:17hadn't really written a lot that was the
62. 2:18first problem second problem was really
63. 2:20what she'd written so I'll tell you what
64. 2:23she's written you see if you can see the
65. 2:24problem okay so she'd just gone with
66. 2:26this
67. 2:27for a penny in for a pounding
68. 2:33[Applause]
69. 2:37mixed messages
70. 2:39oh also once you set up my cousin John
71. 2:42and she kept her coat on
72. 2:44mixed messages
73. 2:47the thing that I would do like when I
74. 2:48had commitment issues what I would do is
75. 2:50I went through a phase where I'd go out
76. 2:52with men like way younger than me I
77. 2:54think just because they're around like
78. 2:55they're not married they don't know any
79. 2:57better
80. 2:58and they're easier to catfish
81. 3:00um how do you know if a man is too young
82. 3:03for you I tell you this this is
83. 3:04something I learned right okay you're
84. 3:06out and about you're on the town and um
85. 3:09he just asked you to buy him a chocolate
86. 3:11milkshake
87. 3:14that actually happened
88. 3:18to his I know I went back anyway
89. 3:23his hand soap is flat was Jelly Baby
90. 3:26flavored
91. 3:34so yeah so I want to go with older guys
92. 3:36now or age-appropriate you know like 35
93. 3:38to 45 big hands
94. 3:41show hands
95. 3:46your taste changes as you get older you
96. 3:49know once I'm unkind obviously you know
97. 3:51I want someone funny you know I want
98. 3:53someone creative but not by the truth
99. 3:56um
100. 3:57you know the sort of guy that yeah maybe
101. 4:01he plays the guitar but he waits to be
102. 4:04asked
103. 4:07I'm very wise actually I've got some
104. 4:09wisdoms I just put them over here
105. 4:17number one you might know this one
106. 4:19actually I think quite a lot of people
107. 4:20knew this already but apparently if you
108. 4:22buy a new car you lose half the value of
109. 4:25the car as soon as you drive it off the
110. 4:28four court and into a tree
111. 4:33oh this is a really good tip this is a
112. 4:35really good tip to get out of any sort
113. 4:36of trouble because I cycled into
114. 4:38someone's car and she was like
115. 4:40um
116. 4:42Sox I had this on my sleeve okay so
117. 4:43anytime someone has a go at you for
118. 4:45anything at all this is what you do you
119. 4:48put your hand on their shoulder you tilt
120. 4:50your head to one side so that bit's
121. 4:52optional but it's a nice touch
122. 4:53can you say
123. 4:56I don't think this is about me is it
124. 5:02what's going on for you at home
125. 5:05into your new lives
126. 5:07um this is a really good tip at work if
127. 5:09you haven't done your work right okay so
128. 5:12what's your name
129. 5:14Chris what do you do
130. 5:16um you work in banking
131. 5:18okay
132. 5:20I like money fine Chris imagine okay
133. 5:24this is what you do if you haven't done
134. 5:25your work we're gonna do a role play so
135. 5:27you can all use this at work imagine
136. 5:28we're in a bank Monday morning
137. 5:30um Chris you're there I'm there our
138. 5:32bosses are there right you just say to
139. 5:33me have you done the reports and this is
140. 5:35what you'll say back if you haven't done
141. 5:37the reports because you've been busy
142. 5:38I've been a legend like me
143. 5:46about us sleeping together
144. 5:50and then Chris might say we haven't
145. 5:52slept together and I go exactly
146. 5:58right I think um we're screwed in a way
147. 6:02I think we've all become So Vain and
148. 6:04narcissistic right I think Instagram is
149. 6:06the death of us having said that do
150. 6:08follow me online because I'm very funny
151. 6:11I don't mind when people are thirsty on
152. 6:13the ground we all want attention right
153. 6:14but what is interesting at the moment is
154. 6:16there's a sort of trend to be sort of
155. 6:19narcissistic but to pretend it's for
156. 6:21charity you know or to pretend it's
157. 6:23about a cause there was a guy on
158. 6:24Instagram the other day right tops off
159. 6:26selfie flexing his muscles I think it
160. 6:29oiled up as well for the occasion fine
161. 6:32live your life
162. 6:34so he's like that fine but then
163. 6:36underneath what he'd written was um
164. 6:40can we just talk about Mental Health
165. 6:45yes but can you pop a top on because I'm
166. 6:46finding it hard to focus
167. 6:49and there was this woman right I had to
168. 6:51unfollower she put post about eight
169. 6:53pictures a day like bikini shorts
170. 6:55underwear shorts she's a journalist so
171. 6:57this is just a hobby
172. 6:58fine you're raising morale and a few
173. 7:01other things
174. 7:03but it should always be there so she'd
175. 7:05be there in her bikini like this
176. 7:06whatever and then she'd always put
177. 7:07underneath something like recycling
178. 7:14now to be fair is usually about feminism
179. 7:16but I don't think you and your bikini
180. 7:18like this is helping girls in Pakistan
181. 7:19get an education
182. 7:21do you know what I mean like malala's
183. 7:23not there in her bikini going oh I love
184. 7:24women
185. 7:26not where she lives
186. 7:30actually she lives in Oxford now so
187. 7:31maybe that's why
188. 7:34I forget I just think like if you want
189. 7:35to be like thirsty be thirsty say oh you
190. 7:37can see my nipples in picture four have
191. 7:39a lovely time
192. 7:42cool put that lovely
193. 7:45I'm going to talk about feminism maybe
194. 7:46now and again put a picture of someone
195. 7:47else up put a picture of Anita Hill up
196. 7:49the African-American human rights lawyer
197. 7:52who changed rape laws yes for the better
198. 7:58and no I didn't know who Anita Hill was
199. 8:00before this bit and that's because she's
200. 8:02not being thirsty on the gram so I do
201. 8:04see
202. 8:06before I go I'm going to tell you who
203. 8:07put me on the Man Band because you'll
204. 8:09all be wondering I'm sure
205. 8:11um okay get ready for this the person
206. 8:13that put me on the man band was my
207. 8:15healer
208. 8:16big word for a comedy show let's dial it
209. 8:18down and call her an energy worker
210. 8:22I know it's not relatable When you
211. 8:23mention your healer I do know that give
212. 8:25me a chair if you've got a Healer yeah
213. 8:27[Applause]
214. 8:29we haven't got time
215. 8:32but look at how well balanced she
216. 8:33sounded
217. 8:35it works
218. 8:38um no I have got a Healer and she's
219. 8:40called Jill in the Pyrenees which is
220. 8:42called Jill she lives in the Pyrenees I
221. 8:44call her Jill in the Pyrenees
222. 8:47can be spiritual and have a bit of fun
223. 8:49okay
224. 8:51and I don't go to the Pyrenees I just
225. 8:53WhatsApp audio call her because energy
226. 8:55works through space and time
227. 8:57and that's quantum physics okay don't
228. 9:01let me explain it anyway when I heard
229. 9:03that that you're not in the room with
230. 9:04them I thought that sounds mad but now I
231. 9:06sort of get it because I don't think you
232. 9:07need to be in the same room as someone
233. 9:09to read their energy like I don't need
234. 9:10to be in the same room as Donald Trump
235. 9:12to know if I was in the same room as
236. 9:14Donald Trump I'd find him a very sexy
237. 9:16guy
238. 9:17yeah
239. 9:18no she's got little hands isn't he
240. 9:22so Jill in the Pyrenees put me on a man
241. 9:24band right and at the start of it I was
242. 9:26like what I can't even get off with
243. 9:27anyone even if they put the Fuji's album
244. 9:29on and tell me I'm Different to other
245. 9:30girls
246. 9:32she said yeah I think she actually said
247. 9:34correctamundo
248. 9:36because you can be spiritual and have a
249. 9:38bit of fun
250. 9:40and about six months into the Man Band I
251. 9:42met this guy there was a bit of a Vibe
252. 9:44right and he wasn't my normal type like
253. 9:46not even in a band and I said to Joe
254. 9:49look this guy's making me dinner can I
255. 9:51sleep with him
256. 9:52and this is honestly what Jill said Jill
257. 9:55said no you you cannot sleep with him
258. 9:57but you can give him a BJ
259. 10:00oh Shanty love and light
260. 10:04isn't that lovely I didn't even use it
261. 10:06but it's nice that it's there in case of
262. 10:07emergencies right and then
263. 10:10um it was about 10 11 months into the
264. 10:12ban and nothing had happened no kissing
265. 10:14no nothing and I said to Jill look I'm
266. 10:16getting a bit fed up like I'm a human
267. 10:17being I'm Flesh and Bones I said look is
268. 10:20it going to be any sort of movement in
269. 10:21that area
270. 10:22and this is what Jill said she said um
271. 10:25the angels I know she said the angels
272. 10:29are just purifying your sacral chakra
273. 10:34we've all been there
274. 10:37sick case off she said the angels are
275. 10:39just purifying
276. 10:40before I said so don't put anything up
277. 10:42there for the moment
278. 10:45and the weirdest thing overall is my
279. 10:46first thought was ah that does make
280. 10:48sense thank you Jill
281. 10:51purify because in the naughties as an
282. 10:53absolute massive Legend
283. 10:56I was a but I was doing it for
284. 10:58feminism you're welcome
285. 11:00I did I slept around a lot when I was
286. 11:02younger right and I honestly thought I
287. 11:03was doing it for feminism because my
288. 11:04brother could do what he wanted and he
289. 11:06wasn't judged or ashamed and women were
290. 11:07held to a different regard and I thought
291. 11:09the patriarchy won't tell me what to do
292. 11:11thank you I will sleep with more people
293. 11:13thank you very damaging time
294. 11:17because sex is bad but bad sex is bad
295. 11:19you know and that age you don't know
296. 11:21what you want you don't know how to ask
297. 11:22for it and sometimes you're just doing
298. 11:24it because the arcades are closed
299. 11:28and looking back now I don't know how
300. 11:31much it did for the movement
301. 11:37Lou if you read third wave feminism
302. 11:38critique I'm
303. 11:40just orange I'm busy out here doing my
304. 11:42own work in the field but
305. 11:46um I will say this before I go I read a
306. 11:48statistic recently that 30 of men that's
307. 11:51quite a lot have a look around
308. 11:5430 of men have paid for sex
309. 11:57that's so many isn't it because I've not
310. 11:59received a penny
311. 12:03[Applause]
312. 12:23foreign