Lecture 59- Communication Skills — Transcript

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1. 0:16Namaskar friends,
2. 0:19we are here to learn some more life
3. 0:22skills as a part of your behavioral
4. 0:26toolkit in lecture 4 of module 12 of the
5. 0:31stress management course. I'm Shubra Sha
6. 0:35and this particular segment is going to
7. 0:38be devoted for learning about
8. 0:41communication skills.
9. 0:45Friends, this is an era in which
10. 0:49everybody is busy with mobile phones,
11. 0:52social media and things like that.
12. 0:56we have forgotten
13. 0:58to talk to real people around us in real
14. 1:02time frame. So even if we want to wish
15. 1:08uh if we want to congratulate people who
16. 1:11are our own family members for their
17. 1:14achievements, we rely on Instagram or
18. 1:18WhatsApp instead of just meeting them
19. 1:21physically and congratulating them for
20. 1:25their achievements. This is the kind of
21. 1:28situations we are having and the
22. 1:32generation
23. 1:34which is most affected by this
24. 1:36digitization of everything is the youth.
25. 1:42Most of the researchers nowadays
26. 1:44indicate that young people are doing
27. 1:47wonders in their academics, in their
28. 1:50jobs, in their scientific temperaments,
29. 1:53in every aspect except social skills.
30. 1:57They don't know how to be with a large
31. 2:01group of people. They don't know how to
32. 2:04stay with people who are less known to
33. 2:07us.
34. 2:09They fail to make adjustments even small
35. 2:12adjustments which are required for
36. 2:15leading a peaceful and happy life.
37. 2:20That is why it is important to turn our
38. 2:23attention back towards the social
39. 2:26skills.
40. 2:27Social skills and interpersonal
41. 2:30relationship is a big segment. It's a
42. 2:33big area in which there are thousands of
43. 2:36things to learn about. Of course,
44. 2:39learning everything in this particular
45. 2:42lecture is beyond its capacity. So, I
46. 2:46have today picked up communication
47. 2:49skills which is the most important part
48. 2:53element of the interpersonal
49. 2:56interactions that we have in day-to-day
50. 2:59life.
51. 3:01Friends, what happens that when we enter
52. 3:04into the school or when we are in higher
53. 3:07education institutions or we are
54. 3:09preparing ourself for some sort of job,
55. 3:13we learn a lot about uh formal
56. 3:16communication that we have to do at the
57. 3:18workplace with our superiors or the
58. 3:22written form of communication. Yeah. uh
59. 3:25children are uh taught how to write
60. 3:27application, how to write letter to so
61. 3:30and so asking for this and this. Okay,
62. 3:34everything happens. Then you learn how
63. 3:36to make your resumeumé. This is also a
64. 3:38form of communication. And you also
65. 3:42write to um learn to write emails.
66. 3:46But we always fail to understand the
67. 3:50importance of informal communication
68. 3:53that we are going to have with our
69. 3:56family members, with our householders,
70. 3:59with people that we come across on road,
71. 4:03with shopkeepers and even at workplace
72. 4:07with our subordinates, with our
73. 4:08colleagues, during lunch hours, during
74. 4:12informal interactions.
75. 4:15Much of our day is filled with this
76. 4:18informal communication
77. 4:20and trust me friends this informal
78. 4:24communication is the root cause of all
79. 4:27stress that we experience at home or
80. 4:31even at workplace.
81. 4:33Even the style of this informal
82. 4:36communication that we gradually learn,
83. 4:39that we gradually embibe, that we
84. 4:42gradually evolve greatly affects the
85. 4:45style of our formal communication
86. 4:48because informal communication or the
87. 4:51routine habitual way of interacting with
88. 4:54other is something which represents our
89. 4:57true self. And the formal communication
90. 5:01that we do intentionally, consciously
91. 5:05uh specifically for a particular purpose
92. 5:08is something which refers to our
93. 5:12polished self. The side of ourselves
94. 5:16which we I want to show to other people.
95. 5:19Okay. So what happens the moment my
96. 5:22alertness went low
97. 5:26whenever it goes down my alertness goes
98. 5:29down what will happen my true self my
99. 5:32true style of interaction will start
100. 5:34penetrating my interactions. Now if that
101. 5:38true style of communication is
102. 5:40ineffective, it is if it contains faulty
103. 5:44uh strategies,
104. 5:47ineffective techniques or things which
105. 5:50can make me maladjusted.
106. 5:53This is surely going to happen no matter
107. 5:57how hard I have worked upon the formal
108. 6:00communication part.
109. 6:02Moreover, if I'm not good at this
110. 6:05informal communication part that I do in
111. 6:09my daily life with people around me,
112. 6:13um I'm not going to be happy because all
113. 6:17those small small unpleasant
114. 6:19interactions are going to be at the back
115. 6:21of my mind whenever I try to focus
116. 6:24myself at my workplace. Okay. So
117. 6:28effective communication is important at
118. 6:32both domains. At your workplace as well
119. 6:36as at your home, okay, with your boss,
120. 6:41with your colleagues, with your
121. 6:42subordinates as well as with people
122. 6:45around you which are important to you no
123. 6:49matter you acknowledge their importance
124. 6:52or not. Okay. So this particular lecture
125. 6:56is going to address both these type of
126. 6:59communications in totality. Whatever we
127. 7:02discuss can be applied to both domains
128. 7:06of life.
129. 7:09So the first step I have tried to put it
130. 7:12in a very step-wise manner so that you
131. 7:16can simply
132. 7:18take the important lessons out of it. uh
133. 7:21there are seven steps which are
134. 7:23available in this process and the very
135. 7:26first step of it is cultivating
136. 7:29selfawwareness and preparation for
137. 7:32interaction.
138. 7:34What happens that uh most of the time we
139. 7:38don't even bother to have a reflection
140. 7:42over
141. 7:44the way I talk to other people or the
142. 7:47way or the purpose for which I'm going
143. 7:50to interact to someone. That is why our
144. 7:54tone of interaction and the purpose of
145. 7:56interaction
146. 7:58do not match with each other. For
147. 8:01example, I may ask for a glass of water
148. 8:04from my children but in a very very
149. 8:07authoritative manner in a very bossy
150. 8:10manner as if I have all right to ask
151. 8:12them to do so whereas I'm asking for
152. 8:15help. So my tone must be little polite.
153. 8:19So this politeness is not going to
154. 8:21reduce my authority over my children but
155. 8:24it will give them a nice feel and once
156. 8:28they do it for me I must thank them also
157. 8:32because these are the basics which are
158. 8:35being taught in the nursery classes in
159. 8:38every school. So we all learn it and
160. 8:42then we forget it. And whenever we start
161. 8:45practicing things in our act real life
162. 8:49so many times we see we think that it is
163. 8:52not so important to follow them. What if
164. 8:55I do not follow them? What if I do not
165. 8:58say thanks to uh my gardener or to my
166. 9:02house helper? How does it harm? They
167. 9:05will keep on doing the same job for me.
168. 9:08So I take everything for granted. No,
169. 9:11everything should not be taken for
170. 9:13granted. Rather I should be aware of my
171. 9:16interactions completely. Now what should
172. 9:19I be aware about? First my style of
173. 9:24communication. How do I actually
174. 9:27communicate? whether it is passive or it
175. 9:29is aggressive or it is passive
176. 9:31aggressive switching between the two or
177. 9:34assertive where I'm not getting uh
178. 9:37aggressive but I am uh firm enough about
179. 9:41my statements about my ideas whatever
180. 9:43I'm trying to communicate to other
181. 9:45people then if I recognize my default
182. 9:49style I can make modifications in that
183. 9:53if I find myself most of the time in
184. 9:57situation s which do not require
185. 9:59aggressive communication style and I
186. 10:02have one. I have to work upon it so that
187. 10:07I can modify it in the desired way. Then
188. 10:11I must also be aware of my emotional
189. 10:13triggers while interacting with other
190. 10:15people. Knowing about emotional trigger
191. 10:18means identifying the situations or
192. 10:21topics that can evoke strong emotional
193. 10:24reactions in you. Okay. So when I am
194. 10:29aware of the things which can make me
195. 10:31emotionally aroused, emotionally
196. 10:33charged, which can make me little angry
197. 10:36or annoyed, I will try to be more
198. 10:39conscious while talking about those
199. 10:42things, while indulging in those kind of
200. 10:46discussions. And this consciousness will
201. 10:49help me manage my emotions in a much
202. 10:52better way. And I must set an intention.
203. 10:56I must decide the intention of
204. 10:59conversation before starting. Okay. What
205. 11:02I want to achieve whether I want help or
206. 11:05I want to guide someone or I want to
207. 11:09resolve a conflict or I want to make a
208. 11:11deal with somebody. What kind of
209. 11:14communication I'm going to engage in?
210. 11:16Okay, that must be uh decided
211. 11:20beforehand.
212. 11:21then I should master the active
213. 11:24listening technique. That means I am
214. 11:27completely focusing my attention to what
215. 11:30the other person is telling me. I'm not
216. 11:34thinking about anything else. I'm not
217. 11:36preparing my own arguments while the
218. 11:39other person is speaking to me. Instead,
219. 11:42whole of my attention is targeted
220. 11:44towards what is being said by the other
221. 11:47person. And I'm going to listen to all
222. 11:51these things without any kind of
223. 11:53judgment or interruption from my own
224. 11:55side.
225. 11:57To check whether I have understood the
226. 12:00thing correctly or not, I can make use
227. 12:04of paraphrases.
228. 12:06that is I can simply put the thing in my
229. 12:09own words and ask the other person to uh
230. 12:14check whether I have understood it
231. 12:16correctly or the other person wanted to
232. 12:19tell me something else and then I can
233. 12:22ask clarifying questions instead of
234. 12:25taking everything for granted.
235. 12:29The step three is the power of
236. 12:31non-verbal communication. Friends, most
237. 12:34of the meaning is delivered through
238. 12:37non-verbal communication. I can give you
239. 12:40a very interesting example. We all have
240. 12:43been to schools and colleges and even uh
241. 12:46if you are at your workplace, you are in
242. 12:49job, you must be attending meetings in
243. 12:52big committee or conference rooms,
244. 12:54right? What happens if you see the
245. 12:58speaker? You find yourself better able
246. 13:02to understand what is being said. But if
247. 13:06you are not able to see the speaker, you
248. 13:09find as if something is lacking. The
249. 13:13meaning is not being delivered to you
250. 13:15completely. So looking at the speaker,
251. 13:19making an eye contact makes you better
252. 13:22able to comprehend what is being said.
253. 13:25Now the sight of the speaker has no
254. 13:28verbal content. It is purely non-verbal.
255. 13:32But why do we feel like that? Because
256. 13:35the speaker has certain body language
257. 13:38and that body language can convey a lot
258. 13:41of meaning to you. When you are
259. 13:44restrained to see the speaker, you are
260. 13:47devoid of those nonverbal uh you know
261. 13:51signs and symbols and you know small
262. 13:54small things which are coming to you
263. 13:57through the visual route and you find
264. 14:00that you are struggling with meaning
265. 14:02making. So uh nonverbal communication is
266. 14:07something very important when we when it
267. 14:10comes to oral communication. Then what
268. 14:13happens that even there are even when we
269. 14:17indulge in verbal communication mostly
270. 14:20we attend the words we try to understand
271. 14:23the meaning behind them but while
272. 14:25understanding the meaning we also
273. 14:30take care of the tone in which the words
274. 14:33are being said.
275. 14:35Change of tone can completely change the
276. 14:38meaning of the words which are spoken.
277. 14:42Sometimes very simple
278. 14:45things spoken in a very satarical manner
279. 14:49can give you a very bad feel instead of
280. 14:52feeling good. So attending the tone, the
281. 14:57facial expression, the body language of
282. 15:00the speaker tells you a lot about the
283. 15:04meaning of that message and then you are
284. 15:06able to better understand it. Then you
285. 15:10can you should strive for clarity and
286. 15:13conciseness in your own expression. When
287. 15:16you are the speaker, when you are the
288. 15:18sender of the message, what you should
289. 15:21try to you should try to convey a
290. 15:24message which is clear, which is
291. 15:26unambiguous, which is uh
292. 15:30easy to understand for others
293. 15:34and which should not give you a
294. 15:37provision or a scope for multiple
295. 15:40interpretation.
296. 15:42Then it must be concise. If you deliver
297. 15:45a big message which contains a lot of
298. 15:48redundant aspect also people are going
299. 15:51to uh miss the actual important message
300. 15:57contained in it. So keep it short. Avoid
301. 16:00fillers while talking to other people
302. 16:03and make your message and communication
303. 16:06as clear unambiguous as possible.
304. 16:11We can also practice assertive
305. 16:13communication if I find myself incapable
306. 16:17of uh saying what I want. Sometimes
307. 16:21people cannot speak up what they
308. 16:24actually feels what they actually want
309. 16:27to say because of a number of reasons.
310. 16:30You know sometimes we are very much
311. 16:31worried what other people are are going
312. 16:34to think of me if I speak like this or
313. 16:37they may get hurt. uh by my words but
314. 16:41then
315. 16:44bringing assertiveness to communication
316. 16:47at least to a certain extent is
317. 16:50necessary otherwise uh you will find
318. 16:54yourself in trouble all the time okay so
319. 16:56use I statements please do not shift
320. 16:59your own responsibilities on others
321. 17:02shoulders okay so you are speaking about
322. 17:06your own perspective so you should begin
323. 17:08your statement with I. Okay. And then uh
324. 17:13it is important to say no to activities
325. 17:16which are not so important for you, not
326. 17:19so interesting for you but respectfully.
327. 17:23Sometimes it is not your no which hurt
328. 17:26others rather the way you say it. So
329. 17:30learn to say no respectfully which does
330. 17:35not hurt the esteem of the other people.
331. 17:39Uh we must learn to communicate maturely
332. 17:42even if we do not agree with other
333. 17:45people.
334. 17:46I can have my own opinions. I can have
335. 17:49my own needs which may or may not differ
336. 17:53from other people I'm with. But uh I
337. 17:57must learn to express my own opinions
338. 18:00without being hostile. If I'm expressing
339. 18:03my opinion, of course, I think my
340. 18:06opinions are correct. But it my style of
341. 18:10communication should not give a feel to
342. 18:12others as if I'm criticizing them or I'm
343. 18:16trying to make them feel inferior
344. 18:18intellectually than me. So I have all
345. 18:21right to give voice to what I feel or
346. 18:24feel correct but at the same time I must
347. 18:26not be uh humiliating others for having
348. 18:30their opinions. Okay. Standing up for
349. 18:33your own right is good but without
350. 18:36curtailing the rights of other people.
351. 18:38And finally the very important message
352. 18:41that we all should keep in mind focus on
353. 18:44the topic not on the person. You can
354. 18:48criticize the idea, action
355. 18:51or opinion of someone but please do not
356. 18:55criticize the person himself.
357. 18:58We mostly forget the difference about
358. 19:01these two things. And what happens?
359. 19:03Instead of criticizing the idea or the
360. 19:06opinion, we start criticizing the person
361. 19:09by blaming the person for many other
362. 19:12things by indulging into the character
363. 19:15analysis and bringing out the
364. 19:17shortcomings of one's character and so
365. 19:19and so forth. So this is something which
366. 19:22must be avoided at all cost.
367. 19:27Step six is to develop empathy and
368. 19:29emotional intelligence. We have already
369. 19:32talked about it. Empathy simply means
370. 19:35adopting the other person's perspective.
371. 19:38If I'm capable of looking at something
372. 19:41from my own perspective first and then
373. 19:44from the perspective of the other
374. 19:46people, I will get to know the
375. 19:49difference of opinion, the root cause of
376. 19:51this difference which we are finding and
377. 19:54then we will be better able to resolve
378. 19:57the conflict between the two persons and
379. 20:00arriving at a more acceptable solution.
380. 20:04This will spare turning discussions into
381. 20:08heated arguments and convert it to a
382. 20:12more meaningful discussion which ends up
383. 20:16with a with an acceptable solution.
384. 20:20Finally, we must be ready to give and
385. 20:23receive feedbacks. We should give honest
386. 20:27feedbacks but in a respectful manner.
387. 20:30And we should be ready to receive
388. 20:32feedbacks even if they are difficult to
389. 20:35receive even if they are uh undesirable
390. 20:38even if uh uh receiving such feedbacks
391. 20:41can uh hurt my self-esteem because I
392. 20:46thought I have done my best but I got
393. 20:48remarks which was which were not really
394. 20:51matching with my expectations. Still, I
395. 20:54must be able to listen to them openly
396. 20:57and carefully and I must focus my
397. 21:01attention to what is correct in them,
398. 21:05what is genuine in them, what can be
399. 21:07implemented in order to improvise my own
400. 21:11part of communication.
401. 21:14Uh we should also navigate through
402. 21:17conflicts with skills. Uh what are those
403. 21:22skills? Whenever we find ourselves in
404. 21:24conflict, we should stay calm. We should
405. 21:27focus on resolution, not winning. H the
406. 21:32uh what it means whenever two people are
407. 21:35discussing or are in a situation of
408. 21:38conflict, we must focus on arriving at
409. 21:41an outcome which is maximally beneficial
410. 21:45for both the parties.
411. 21:47instead of insisting upon my solution to
412. 21:52be implemented because it was proposed
413. 21:54by me. Even if the solution proposed by
414. 21:57the other person is a better one, it can
415. 22:00maximize the benefits for me also and
416. 22:03for the other person also I'm not ready
417. 22:05to accept it because it comes from the
418. 22:08other person not from me. So instead of
419. 22:12winning that is proving myself correct
420. 22:14at all cost and giving arguments and
421. 22:17misarguments to do that or sticking upon
422. 22:20my own solution because they are the
423. 22:23brainchild of my own self. I must be
424. 22:27focusing on these solutions which are
425. 22:30maximally beneficial for all the parties
426. 22:33involved. Whenever I feel something
427. 22:37unwanted,
428. 22:39I must try to clarify the issue
429. 22:42immediately
430. 22:44in order to avoid misunderstandings.
431. 22:47What happens? Sometimes people uh are
432. 22:50not able to communicate correctly
433. 22:54what they want or what they mean. And
434. 22:57the way they communicate the whole thing
435. 23:01gives it an entirely different meaning
436. 23:03which can be highly uh humiliating for
437. 23:06the other person sometimes which can
438. 23:09create a lot of misunderstandings. So in
439. 23:11order to keep such things away I must
440. 23:15try to clarify the thing immediately
441. 23:17instead of ruminating upon the idea
442. 23:20getting emotionally charged and then
443. 23:23coming back to fight with the person
444. 23:25after a day or two. And finally, if both
445. 23:29parties are very much charged
446. 23:31emotionally, it is better to take a
447. 23:33short break from the discussion and come
448. 23:36back to the table again when the uh
449. 23:39involved parties are relatively
450. 23:42comfortable. And finally, your
451. 23:45commitment to continuous improvement in
452. 23:49communication skills pays off. If I look
453. 23:53at all these things once and then I uh
454. 23:57shut down my laptop and then I opened it
455. 24:00again after an year when I suddenly
456. 24:03found myself in a conflicting situation
457. 24:05and remembered okay there was something
458. 24:07important about the communication skill
459. 24:11in the course I attended last year. It
460. 24:14is not going to work. If you really find
461. 24:17this particular segment important or at
462. 24:19least some elements of it important for
463. 24:23us, important for yourself, you can just
464. 24:27take them out separately. Think of the
465. 24:30ways in which you can incorporate those
466. 24:32elements in your daily interactions and
467. 24:35try to practice them again and again and
468. 24:38then see whether those changes, those
469. 24:41modifications really do some nice things
470. 24:44for you or not. So your continuous
471. 24:49uh emphasis on improvement pays off and
472. 24:52you better a very skilled communicator.
473. 24:56Here is the recap of what we have
474. 24:58learned in this segment. We have talked
475. 25:01about the effectiveness of communication
476. 25:04skill with respect to the pleasant and
477. 25:06successful experience of interpersonal
478. 25:09relationships. We talked about the nine
479. 25:11steps in which we can improve our
480. 25:14communication skills and we also
481. 25:17reiterate the fact that continuous
482. 25:20effort is necessary to improve one's
483. 25:24communication skill.
484. 25:26One more thing we all can remember is
485. 25:30all these things can be applied to both
486. 25:33personal and professional lives.
487. 25:37These are the readings
488. 25:40for further knowledge.
489. 25:43These are some more references.
490. 25:46Thank you very much. Thank you.