La storia della mia depressione — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00Hello, I don't exactly know how to start
2. 0:02this video and I'm sorry it's the first
3. 0:04one on this channel which, as you can
4. 0:05see, is brand new.
5. 0:07Both to help those going through it
6. 0:10right now and to help them recognize the
7. 0:14signs, and to explain why for almost 2
8. 0:17years my online presence, as well as
9. 0:21with friends and family, has dropped
10. 0:24drastically.
11. 0:26Let's start right away. Well, the way
12. 0:28I've been feeling for so many years is
13. 0:30that
14. 0:32my brain was literally eating itself.
15. 0:37What do I mean?
16. 0:39I think my brain chemistry has changed
17. 0:42since I was about 13, because in the end
18. 0:45, depression is just that, the inability
19. 0:48to feel happiness or any kind of
20. 0:51positive feelings, which are ultimately
21. 0:54what keep you going in life, right?
22. 0:58So, let's start right from childhood,
23. 1:01from my adolescence.
24. 1:04I don't have very happy memories of my
25. 1:06adolescence; actually, if I'm being
26. 1:07honest, I don't have many memories of my
27. 1:09life in general.
28. 1:12Since I was 13 I've had some thoughts
29. 1:14toward myself; I never hurt myself, but
30. 1:17you know, that thought was always there
31. 1:20.
32. 1:21I know, they are very dark thoughts, but
33. 1:23they have always been a part of me, so
34. 1:25much so that I thought they were normal
35. 1:27, but they are not normal, guys. So,
36. 1:30first warning sign, let's say my family
37. 1:32wasn't exactly the classic perfect
38. 1:35family.
39. 1:36The thing that definitely hurt me the
40. 1:39most was that there were never any real
41. 1:41memories together, like vacations or
42. 1:43even just a simple trip to the park or a
43. 1:46movie.
44. 1:48Furthermore, due to the financial
45. 1:50difficulties we always had, I never had
46. 1:52the chance to cultivate my hobbies, my
47. 1:54interests, sports, or musical
48. 1:56instruments.
49. 1:58And that's kind of how I started gaming
50. 2:01and why we are here now, precisely
51. 2:03because my only ally at home was the
52. 2:06computer and uncontrolled access to the
53. 2:09internet at a very delicate age, but
54. 2:11anyway.
55. 2:15So I started collecting a lot of small
56. 2:18traumas from age 13 to 17 due to
57. 2:21cyberbullying, a bit of school bullying
58. 2:24, and even revenge porn.
59. 2:28Yes, my internet was hacked and my
60. 2:31address was doxxed simply because I had
61. 2:34become a source of amusement for some
62. 2:37young men on the internet who were twice
63. 2:40my age, and then unfortunately at 17 my
64. 2:43father passed away in a way that wasn't
65. 2:46very nice, let's put it that way.
66. 2:50And here is the first real breaking
67. 2:53point, because from the age of 18 on, I
68. 2:55always had to do everything by myself.
69. 2:58Everything I achieved, I achieved on my
70. 3:01own.
71. 3:02For instance, I paid for my first PC
72. 3:05with my university scholarship, and at
73. 3:0721, watch out, here comes the first
74. 3:10truly happy moment, I think the moment
75. 3:13that gave me the most peace of mind at
76. 3:16the start, which was streaming on Twitch
77. 3:19.
78. 3:20So what was the problem, though?
79. 3:22I mean, you might say, "Man, you're a
80. 3:24streamer, you do what you like, you turn
81. 3:27on the camera, talk some nonsense, and
82. 3:30people pay you."
83. 3:32Um,
84. 3:34I mean, it must really be a dream job,
85. 3:36so why are you complaining? Well, it's
86. 3:38not really a complaint, because in the
87. 3:40end, it’s all tied to mental health
88. 3:42issues. This escalation is important to
89. 3:44fully understand the situation.
90. 3:47So, at the beginning, I didn't see
91. 3:48Twitch as a career because it all
92. 3:50started during the pandemic, so we
93. 3:52didn't know how it would turn out, we
94. 3:54didn't know if I would continue, if I
95. 3:56would find something else, maybe I would
96. 3:58go back to university, I didn't know
97. 4:00anything.
98. 4:01So I lived every day with uncertainty.
99. 4:06I wasn't like, "Oh yeah, maybe it's
100. 4:08going well now, but who knows, in two
101. 4:10months they'll forget about me because
102. 4:12the quarantine will be over."
103. 4:15Um, I literally used this platform just
104. 4:18to have some company, okay? Maybe I just
105. 4:21said something really parasocial.
106. 4:23My Twitch chat, the community that
107. 4:26formed there, was fundamental for my
108. 4:28mental well-being at that time, because
109. 4:30I knew someone was waiting for me every
110. 4:33afternoon.
111. 4:35I knew they were happy to be there and
112. 4:37it was their choice to be there with me
113. 4:39, and at the same time, I wasn't alone
114. 4:41with my thoughts.
115. 4:43So what was the problem?
116. 4:45My mom, unfortunately, being a woman of
117. 4:47the old school, didn't understand at all
118. 4:50what I was doing and considered it a
119. 4:51waste of time.
120. 4:55So she started to grief me—sorry, I
121. 4:58can't find the word in Italian—to
122. 5:00sabotage, there, my live streams; she
123. 5:03made sure to annoy me actively, knowing
124. 5:06I was live.
125. 5:10Um, obviously, every day she told me to
126. 5:12go find a real job, even though I paid
127. 5:15the bills, did the grocery shopping,
128. 5:17paid for everything I consumed, trips,
129. 5:19and so on, all out of my own pocket.
130. 5:23But for her, it still wasn't...she just
131. 5:25couldn't understand how it could be a
132. 5:27job and what kind of future it could
133. 5:29have.
134. 5:31And obviously, not having the support of
135. 5:33a parent—in this case, the only parent
136. 5:35you have left—at 21 years old really
137. 5:38creates a lot of problems.
138. 5:41And in fact, this is the second breaking
139. 5:43point.
140. 5:45From age 21 onwards, I don't remember a
141. 5:48single moment where I felt true
142. 5:51happiness; I mean, many good things
143. 5:54happened, tons of opportunities, many
144. 5:57fun moments, and many nice memories, but
145. 6:01I was sad.
146. 6:03I couldn't find happiness or gratitude
147. 6:06within myself for everything that was
148. 6:09happening to me.
149. 6:11My brain chemistry had been worn down by
150. 6:14all the trauma, abuse, and worries I had
151. 6:17to endure at such a young age.
152. 6:21I was very stressed, I didn't have
153. 6:24stability, and I was terrified of the
154. 6:27future, which made my brain want to shut
155. 6:31down, let's say.
156. 6:34It just wanted to shut down.
157. 6:36In fact, I spent my days live on Twitch
158. 6:39only to go back to bed, in the dark,
159. 6:41crying.
160. 6:43I probably cried a lot of times a day,
161. 6:46multiple times a day.
162. 6:48And yet, on Twitch, I was a rising star
163. 6:50; I had lots of contacts, sponsorships,
164. 6:52and gifts.
165. 6:55Yet I only focused on the negative
166. 6:57things, the criticism, the insults, or,
167. 7:00I don't know, an out-of-place comment.
168. 7:03To me, it was the end of the world. And
169. 7:05that’s when I started to completely
170. 7:07isolate myself. I played alone, I
171. 7:09stopped going out, I didn't reply to my
172. 7:12online friends anymore, I ghosted
173. 7:14everyone, I was angry at my mother every
174. 7:16day, screaming, crying.
175. 7:18Even going to my friends 'birthday and
176. 7:20graduation parties was the worst thing
177. 7:22for me.
178. 7:23An unbearable burden. I found myself
179. 7:27surrounded by happy, accomplished people
180. 7:30, united families, serene people, while
181. 7:32inside I was broken, feeling like a
182. 7:35failure and miserable.
183. 7:38I even had to run away from a couple of
184. 7:40graduation parties because I couldn't
185. 7:42handle such a positive environment
186. 7:44anymore.
187. 7:45But how could I explain it to my friends
188. 7:48?
189. 7:49Even back then, "depression" was a bit
190. 7:52of a buzzword that people used to say "
191. 7:55I'm sad."
192. 7:57I didn't have any official diagnoses
193. 7:59because I couldn't afford doctors, but
194. 8:01in reality, it never even crossed my
195. 8:03mind that with the life I was living, I
196. 8:05might have depression.
197. 8:07So that was it; my way of dealing with
198. 8:10it was simply not showing up to outings
199. 8:13, parties, or coffee dates, coming
200. 8:16across as the absent, indifferent, and
201. 8:19slightly jerk-like friend.
202. 8:21Because of this, I felt terribly lonely
203. 8:24because, um, I was struggling, but I
204. 8:27didn't feel I had the right to struggle
205. 8:30and, above all, I was convinced I didn't
206. 8:33even have the right to complain to the
207. 8:36very people I ignored, ghosted, didn't
208. 8:39treat as they deserved, and who were let
209. 8:43down by me in some way.
210. 8:45Now, however, comes the fourth and final
211. 8:48, I believe, breaking point. Moving to
212. 8:51Naples ruined me forever.
213. 8:55I thought, I want to leave home, I have
214. 8:57these friends in Naples who have an
215. 8:59extra spot in their place.
216. 9:02I say, "Okay, cool, let's go, let's move
217. 9:04in with them, it'll be fun."
218. 9:08I'll finally leave home and I'll be able
219. 9:09to be the person I've always wanted to
220. 9:11be without all the toxic dynamics with
221. 9:13my mother.
222. 9:15Yeah, a wrong and fatal choice.
223. 9:18The point is that running away doesn't
224. 9:20solve your problems, especially running
225. 9:22away to Naples—at best, you run away
226. 9:23from Naples.
227. 9:25Anyway, the point was that the problems
228. 9:27I had at home I obviously brought with
229. 9:29me there, but without the comfort of my
230. 9:31own home, the people I knew, my pets, uh
231. 9:34, my own space.
232. 9:35However, I was at the peak of my career
233. 9:38on Twitch, everything was really going
234. 9:40well.
235. 9:41I was finally truly happy with what I
236. 9:42was doing.
237. 9:44I was proud of it, I started working for
238. 9:47real and off-camera it was the same old
239. 9:50crap, but at least I could focus more on
240. 9:52my work.
241. 9:53But here is the fifth breaking point.
242. 9:56At the beginning of 2025, everything
243. 9:58changes.
244. 10:00Agreements, projects, promises, unpaid
245. 10:03sponsorships.
246. 10:05I'm still waiting since November 2024.
247. 10:08I was promised a PC, but in exchange, I
248. 10:11would have had to send some explicit
249. 10:14photos, let's say, so yes, actual sexual
250. 10:17blackmail, and obviously I don't have a
251. 10:20new computer, so from then on, doing
252. 10:23literally anything in my daily life
253. 10:26became impossible.
254. 10:29I lost all strength to fight, all
255. 10:33confidence, let's say I can explain it
256. 10:36well by saying that the light had gone
257. 10:40out.
258. 10:42I didn't see a light at the end of the
259. 10:44tunnel, I didn't know how I was supposed
260. 10:45to get out of there, how could I get out
261. 10:46of this tunnel if I couldn't even get
262. 10:48out of bed?
263. 10:50I literally didn't know what to do and I
264. 10:52was in such a bad place that I even
265. 10:54abandoned Twitch for a while.
266. 10:57I developed a lot of psychosomatic
267. 10:59health problems, um, which led me to
268. 11:02spend a lot of money on doctors, we're
269. 11:04talking thousands of euros.
270. 11:09I was literally lost.
271. 11:12I even tried to return to Twitch,
272. 11:14thinking that by resuming my social
273. 11:17media career, things might get better.
274. 11:22But I really had no idea what I wanted
275. 11:25to do in the future, still, because I
276. 11:27was lost; I mean, I didn't know who I
277. 11:30was anymore, I didn't recognize myself
278. 11:33in the mirror, nothing had changed: I
279. 11:35still just hid in bed, in food, and put
280. 11:38everything off.
281. 11:40I realized that Naples was making the
282. 11:42situation worse.
283. 11:44So, with a heavy heart, I returned home
284. 11:47and my burnout really skyrocketed there
285. 11:50.
286. 11:52I decided to start a psychological
287. 11:54journey because I can't quite explain
288. 11:56how I felt during that time, I can't
289. 11:58tell you any specific signs, I just know
290. 12:01that I felt like a non-person.
291. 12:05I didn't think I was alive, I don't know
292. 12:07how to explain it.
293. 12:09I had many moments where I lived life in
294. 12:12the third person.
295. 12:15It’s literally as if I left my body and
296. 12:18watched myself from another point of
297. 12:20view, and therefore, I wasn't living my
298. 12:22own life.
299. 12:24Not to mention the fact that I started
300. 12:26sleeping terribly at night, um, having
301. 12:29constant nightmares, uh, having daytime
302. 12:32hallucinations, having constant stomach
303. 12:34aches from anxiety. All because I didn't
304. 12:37know what to do in the future, I didn't
305. 12:40know who I was, in reality, I didn't
306. 12:42want to exist. Finally, the genius
307. 12:44decides to go to a psychologist.
308. 12:48Good job! How did you figure out you
309. 12:50needed a psychologist? You're a genius.
310. 12:52Uh!
311. 12:53By the way, this isn't sponsored, but I
312. 12:55recommend "UnoBravo"—that's actually
313. 12:57what the site is called.
314. 12:59I got along really well with my
315. 13:01psychologist from there.
316. 13:02And if you don't have much money or
317. 13:05professional help nearby, doing it
318. 13:06online is great.
319. 13:09Okay.
320. 13:10The psychologist definitely improved me
321. 13:13a lot, she gives me a hand, uh, she
322. 13:16helps me reason and make clearer
323. 13:18decisions and also think more clearly at
324. 13:21a certain point.
325. 13:24But, when I moved again, this time back
326. 13:27to Puglia, but alone, without pets,
327. 13:29without friends, without anyone nearby,
328. 13:32thinking that this time it would be
329. 13:34different, it wasn't.
330. 13:37It was my biggest dream.
331. 13:39I mean, this was literally my biggest
332. 13:41dream, so much so that I wanted to use
333. 13:43this Dakimakura—no, not Dakimakura, I
334. 13:46literally Googled "red Japanese wish
335. 13:48thing."
336. 13:49Okay, Daruma, a little off-topic. I've
337. 13:52seen other videos of people talking
338. 13:53about depression and they weren't
339. 13:55laughing. I don't know what the hell my
340. 13:56problem is. Anyway, I used my Daruma I
341. 13:59got in Japan. Basically, how does this
342. 14:01thing work? You draw one eye on it, make
343. 14:04a wish that you write on the back, and
344. 14:06when it comes true, you draw the other
345. 14:08eye. My wish was this: to live alone.
346. 14:12I did it on August 30th and by the end
347. 14:14of February I managed to make it happen
348. 14:16.
349. 14:17Never mind that I broke my foot during
350. 14:19the move and didn't really enjoy it that
351. 14:21much.
352. 14:22Anyway, living alone and being even more
353. 14:25isolated than I already was, my mental
354. 14:27health started plummeting, literally,
355. 14:30because now I also had a significant
356. 14:32financial responsibility on my shoulders
357. 14:35.
358. 14:37However, it didn't push me to do better
359. 14:39, it didn't take away any bad habits.
360. 14:43I stayed exactly the same, always in bed
361. 14:45, or rather even more so, even more in
362. 14:48bed.
363. 14:49And do you know why depressed people
364. 14:51spend so much time in bed? Because
365. 14:53staying in bed is a way to simulate
366. 14:56death.
367. 14:58So, being horizontal in the dark, not
368. 15:01existing, is literally like being dead,
369. 15:04which is what the brain unfortunately
370. 15:07seeks: total darkness so that it stops
371. 15:09suffering.
372. 15:12And I, unfortunately, was starting to
373. 15:15have an urgent desire to no longer exist
374. 15:18.
375. 15:19And that's how, the day before my 27th
376. 15:21birthday, my therapist told me that this
377. 15:24absolutely had to be treated by a
378. 15:27psychiatrist, and that’s when I realized
379. 15:30for the first time that it wasn't
380. 15:32actually normal; I was a bit shocked
381. 15:35because I thought, psychiatrists are for
382. 15:38crazy people.
383. 15:40I'm not crazy, I just have a somewhat
384. 15:42sad past, I'm just a bit unlucky, I'm
385. 15:45just...better times will come.
386. 15:49No, honey, no, they would have never
387. 15:50come if I hadn't turned to a
388. 15:52professional. And here opens a huge
389. 15:54chapter that I want to address in other
390. 15:57videos, because I also discovered I have
391. 15:59ADHD, the inattentive type, not the
392. 16:01hyperfixation one, and I also want to
393. 16:03talk to you about my history with
394. 16:05medication.
395. 16:07I’ll just tell you that, um, those are
396. 16:09two things that brought me down even
397. 16:11more, especially finding out I have ADHD
398. 16:14, because I was never a model student in
399. 16:16school.
400. 16:17I was smart, I was very smart, but I
401. 16:19couldn't, I couldn't study, I couldn't
402. 16:22understand things right away, even
403. 16:24though I wasn't stupid.
404. 16:26Maybe it was a little bit. Anyway, to
405. 16:27make a long story short, I was
406. 16:29prescribed two types of medication.
407. 16:30Sertraline, which is used to regulate
408. 16:33mood, and I actually haven't had any
409. 16:36severe depressive or down episodes since
410. 16:39I started taking it.
411. 16:42And another medication to help me focus
412. 16:45and find motivation.
413. 16:48Sertraline was very easy, very simple,
414. 16:50but the one for ADHD unfortunately
415. 16:51caused me significant problems, but I'm
416. 16:53doing well now.
417. 16:55Anyway, we'll talk about it in another
418. 16:56video if you're interested in the topic
419. 16:58. Okay, we’ve reached this long life
420. 17:02journey, this summary of my last 14
421. 17:06years on this planet. Um, what is the
422. 17:10point of this video?
423. 17:12To have people tell me, "poor thing."
424. 17:15No, the point of this video is that I am
425. 17:17a healthy, young person, I lack nothing
426. 17:20, I can do whatever I want.
427. 17:23And yet, there has always been an "and
428. 17:25yet."
429. 17:26Right now, I’ll tell you, I’m still a
430. 17:29bit fragile, also because today marks 4
431. 17:32months since the diagnosis.
432. 17:35I tell you that I am rediscovering
433. 17:37myself, I am no longer the person I was
434. 17:39before, and I think positively, and for
435. 17:42the first time in my life, I know what I
436. 17:44want and I know which direction to go.
437. 17:48And it is so important to me that, in
438. 17:51fact, it’s the only part of this
439. 17:54monologue of mine that truly moved me,
440. 17:57that affected me.
441. 18:01I really want this video to help people
442. 18:04understand that if they are where I was
443. 18:06just 4 months ago, after 14 whole years
444. 18:09of suffering, you must understand that
445. 18:12if everything in your life is going well
446. 18:14and you feel like [ __ ], it’s okay.
447. 18:19If everything is going to [ __ ] and you
448. 18:21feel like [ __ ], it’s okay, but you must
449. 18:22realize that you have to do something to
450. 18:24get out of this shitty feeling, because
451. 18:26if you don't see the light at the end of
452. 18:28the tunnel, it's because your eyes are
453. 18:29closed.
454. 18:31You shouldn't feel behind just because,
455. 18:33unfortunately, we are now bombarded on
456. 18:35social media by perfect lives,
457. 18:36successful people, and happy people.
458. 18:39Know that people only show what they
459. 18:41want to show, because by human nature we
460. 18:44want to appear better than others, but
461. 18:46at the same time, you shouldn't think
462. 18:49you don't have the right to feel bad
463. 18:51just because you are luckier than others
464. 18:53. I mean, what's the point of working
465. 18:56hard to achieve your dreams, fulfilling
466. 18:58them, but not having the tools to be
467. 19:00able to enjoy them? If there is one
468. 19:02thing I have learned and that I feel
469. 19:04like recommending to everyone, it is
470. 19:06that you cannot get out of these
471. 19:08situations alone. It's impossible, guys
472. 19:10.
473. 19:11Even friends can't truly help you,
474. 19:13because quite simply, they don't have
475. 19:14the tools to pull you out.
476. 19:17They certainly help in the moment, but
477. 19:19they don't lead you to a resolution.
478. 19:21Rely on professionals. I don't feel
479. 19:24crazy because I go to a psychiatrist at
480. 19:2627.
481. 19:27I don't feel wrong, and I don't feel
482. 19:29it's a reason for shame, also because
483. 19:31it's a perfectly normal doctor like all
484. 19:33the others.
485. 19:34I know there is a huge taboo regarding
486. 19:36psychotropic drugs; I had it too, but I
487. 19:39want to reassure you. Um, and you should
488. 19:41know that more people than you think use
489. 19:44it, it's just that with this taboo still
490. 19:46surrounding mental health, not everyone
491. 19:49admits it because they fear others'
492. 19:51judgment.
493. 19:52What I want to say as someone who spent
494. 19:54their whole life feeling wrong, is that
495. 19:56you are not.
496. 19:57I know it sounds like a cliché, but we
497. 19:59are not all the same. The world is built
498. 20:02around a standard, but we aren't all at
499. 20:05that standard, or not everyone can be
500. 20:08valued by that standard.
501. 20:11So guys, if you're struggling, talk
502. 20:13about it openly, with anyone, you don't
503. 20:15necessarily have to go to a psychologist
504. 20:17right away, even just with a friend, and
505. 20:19although I said it doesn't really solve
506. 20:21the problems, at least it makes you
507. 20:22realize you have them.
508. 20:25A way, a way out always exists; the
509. 20:27light at the end of the tunnel exists. I
510. 20:30see it, even if it's still very far away
511. 20:32, but I’ve started to. see it, but
512. 20:35taking the first step and not facing it
513. 20:38alone is the thing I regret the most,
514. 20:40and above all, I really regret waiting
515. 20:43so long.
516. 20:45Anyway, I'm better now and I can't wait
517. 20:47to see where the new Giulia will take me
518. 20:50.
519. 20:50I don't know what she's capable of, I
520. 20:52don't know what a life is like without
521. 20:54this ugly illness, because we are
522. 20:55talking about an illness.
523. 20:57I hope I'll also be able to work around
524. 21:01my ADHD, and I send you a hug if you are
525. 21:04going through something even remotely
526. 21:07similar or if someone close to you is.
527. 21:12Thank you for watching the video this
528. 21:14far, and remember that you are not alone
529. 21:17and that you are not wrong.
530. 21:19You just need to, you just need to spend
531. 21:22money on professionals.
532. 21:25See you in the next videos, hoping there
533. 21:27will be some, maybe worse. No, I’m
534. 21:29kidding.
535. 21:31Big kiss.