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Key & Peele - Text Message Confusion - Uncensored — Transcript

by Comedy Central · 288 words · 61 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube
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  1. 0:05- "BEEN TRYING TO REACH OUT TO YOU ALL DAY.
  2. 0:09ARE WE ON FOR TONIGHT?"
  3. 0:12[sighs] JEEZ.
  4. 0:14- WHAT? YOU CAN'T CATCH ME.
  5. 0:16YOU CAN'T CATCH ME.
  6. 0:17I'M LANCE MOORE. TOUCHDOWN, BITCH.
  7. 0:18WHAT? PAUSE.
  8. 0:22[phone chimes]
  9. 0:27OH, SHOOT.
  10. 0:30KEEGAN'S BEEN TEXTING ME.
  11. 0:33"SORRY, DUDE, MISSED YOUR TEXTS.
  12. 0:36"I ASSUMED WE'D MEET AT THE BAR.
  13. 0:39WHATEVER. I DON'T CARE."
  14. 0:43[phone chimes]
  15. 0:49- "SORRY, DUDE, MISSED YOUR TEXTS.
  16. 0:51"I ASSUMED WE'D MEET AT THE BAR.
  17. 0:53WHATEVER. I DON'T CARE."
  18. 0:56"WHATEVER. I DON'T CARE"?
  19. 1:00WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS PROBLEM?
  20. 1:03"DO YOU EVEN WANT TO HANG OUT?"
  21. 1:06- "DO YOU EVEN WANT TO HANG OUT?"
  22. 1:07OH, THAT'S CONSIDERATE.
  23. 1:11"LIKE I SAID, WHATEVER."
  24. 1:13- "LIKE I SAID, WHATEVER"?
  25. 1:15FUCK THIS GUY.
  26. 1:17JESUS, "YOU..."
  27. 1:19- "ARE FUCKING PRICELESS."
  28. 1:21AWW. "YOU'RE THE..."
  29. 1:24- "ONE WHO'S FUCKING PRICELESS"?
  30. 1:27THIS M--
  31. 1:29THIS MOTHERFUCKER HERE.
  32. 1:32OH, HE WANTS TO-- OKAY, MM-HMM.
  33. 1:34MM-HMM. OKAY.
  34. 1:37"YOU WANT TO GO..."
  35. 1:38- "RIGHT NOW?"
  36. 1:39HMM.
  37. 1:41GUESS I COULD DO THAT.
  38. 1:42[clears throat]
  39. 1:44"OKAY..."
  40. 1:45- "OKAY, LET'S GO"?
  41. 1:46HE SAID OKA-- "OKAY, LET'S GO"?
  42. 1:49ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
  43. 1:50YOU KNOW WHAT? "YOU WANT TO REALLY..."
  44. 1:52- "DO THIS NOW?" KEEGAN, YOU NUT.
  45. 1:56YOU'RE NOT PUTTING ME OUT.
  46. 1:57- "FUCK YEAH, LET'S DO IT"?
  47. 1:59OH, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!
  48. 2:01- "FIRST ROUND'S MINE."
  49. 2:03- OH, NO! OH, NO!
  50. 2:04THERE AIN'T GONNA BE NO ROUNDS, ASSHOLE!
  51. 2:06IT'S GONNA BE A FUCKING STREET FIGHT!
  52. 2:08THIS SON OF A--
  53. 2:09- ♪ 'CAUSE TONIGHT WE GONNA PARTY AND THE PARTY DON'T STOP ♪
  54. 2:12- YOU!
  55. 2:13- BUDDY!
  56. 2:14LIKE I SAID, FIRST ROUND'S MINE.
  57. 2:16A BEER AND A GIMLET FOR MY PARTNER RIGHT--
  58. 2:20WHAT'S THAT?
  59. 2:22- UH, I-I GOT YOU A BASEBALL BAT WITH NAILS IN IT.
  60. 2:28- FOR MY POST-APOCALYPTIC JACKIE ROBINSON COSTUME.
  61. 2:31HOW DID YOU KNOW?

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This page contains the full transcript of Key & Peele - Text Message Confusion - Uncensored by Comedy Central, generated from the public captions YouTube serves with the video. The transcript has 288 words across 61 segments, with the original timestamps preserved so you can click any line to jump to that moment in the embedded player.

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