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Junkies, Jail and Jesus: The Wildly Beautiful Conversion of John Edwards — Transcript

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0:00hi guys welcome to the art of catholic
0:02podcast i have
0:03a wild and woolly conversion story for
0:06you guys today you do not want to miss
0:08this i am interviewing john
0:10edwards who is one of the founders of
0:12virtual catholic
0:13conferences and i'm sure you've seen
0:15them online they've gotten huge since uh
0:17covet hit and they've had several
0:19conferences in fact they have another
0:20one coming up
0:21on january 8th to 10th called take and
0:24read it's a scripture
0:25conference and i'm going to be one of
0:27the speakers at that now if you want to
0:28register for that it's totally free
0:30conference lots of other speakers there
0:31pat madrid ralph martin
0:33teresa tomio and a whole host of other
0:36presenters and i'm one of them as well
0:38so
0:38if you want to register for that
0:40conference you can do so for free
0:41there's a link
0:42down below in the description you can
0:44check it all out there
0:46but this is a great story so stay tuned
0:48for it's a little bit longer of an
0:50episode but you don't want to miss it
0:51and as always please subscribe to the
0:53show
0:54and share with your friends enjoy the
0:56story
0:58welcome to the art of catholic i'm
0:59matthew leonard uh my guest today
1:02is john edwards and john is the founder
1:05and executive director of pew ministries
1:07a catholic apostolate that
1:09really seeks to bring people into an
1:12encounter with the person of jesus
1:13christ
1:14and just regular people not just uh you
1:16know the high and mighty types i mean
1:18everyday catholics his desire is to
1:21bring them into a relationship with the
1:23lord
1:23and he's a catholic speaker an
1:25evangelist he's also the host of the
1:27just a guy in the pew uh podcast which
1:29you can find at justa guyanapew.com
1:32he's also the co-founder of the virtual
1:34catholic conference
1:35uh ministry and maybe you've seen the
1:37big conferences online that just kind of
1:39exploded out of nowhere when cobit hit
1:41and all that
1:42john is one of the guys behind that and
1:44they're doing some great stuff
1:46uh he is a husband and a father and he
1:49lives you're never going to be able to
1:50tell from his accent but he lives with
1:51his family in memphis tennessee
1:53and it is my pleasure to welcome john to
1:56the art of catholic podcast
2:00hey thank you matthew it's great to be
2:01with you thanks for having me on you
2:03know just to kind of set the stage
2:04um you and i first of all never met in
2:07person and we've only really been in
2:09conversation
2:10for gosh a couple of weeks and
2:13i was down in south carolina a couple of
2:15weeks ago doing a parish mission
2:17and a few weeks before that someone had
2:19said to me you know
2:21uh you should hear this guy john edwards
2:23story and i can't remember who it was
2:25now but uh
2:26and they said you know that guy because
2:28i was talking about getting an invite to
2:29do virtual catholic conference
2:31and and i wasn't really all that
2:33familiar with you and he said no he's
2:35got a really powerful story
2:37and when i was in south carolina a
2:38couple of weeks ago at a speaking
2:39engagement
2:41we had the opportunity to speak on the
2:42phone and i was calling you with a
2:44question about the conference and all of
2:45a sudden
2:46i got to hear your story and uh as i
2:50told you on the phone you know i'm i'm
2:51not typically the crying type
2:53and uh i cried sports movies
2:56[Laughter]
2:59i was crying uh several times during
3:02uh during your story and it was so
3:05powerful that i just really
3:07i wanted to have you get the opportunity
3:09to share it
3:10with the people who listen to this
3:11podcast so i'm really grateful that
3:13you're here and you're willing to talk
3:14about it
3:15yeah well thanks for having me matthew
3:17and i mean i can i can start in the
3:19beginning i guess that's where you need
3:20to start all stories right
3:21so yeah now please do and the first
3:23thing i just want to say is uh you're a
3:25catholic now
3:25obviously but you weren't raised a
3:27catholic were you so give us a little
3:28bit of the backstory
3:30well i was born and raised in memphis
3:32tennessee as you said my accent's
3:33probably going to give that away at some
3:34point
3:35but uh yeah born and raised here in
3:37memphis tennessee i lived here all my
3:39life still live here now
3:40um and i was born and raised in the
3:42baptist church you know
3:43from the time i can remember uh my my
3:46parents had us in
3:47in church they were both from
3:48mississippi in a small town grew up um
3:51you know seventh grade on dating and
3:53married you know that kind of
3:54fantasy story you don't get to hear much
3:56anymore but it happened in their lives
3:57and they were both
3:58raised baptist and when they moved to
4:00memphis they found a church here locally
4:01and
4:02we started going there and i was there
4:04every day that the church
4:05was open i mean i can remember having
4:07the same friends at 18 i did at you know
4:10five or six years old
4:11that just went to that church and worked
4:13our way up through all the different
4:15sunday schools and departments and all
4:17of that through the baptist church
4:19and and just man summer's full of
4:22mission trips and
4:23and centrifuge camps and just
4:27doing all sort of things like that
4:28running vacation bible school things i
4:30love the lord
4:31and and i just i loved anything that
4:34involved him as a young man whether it
4:35was going to
4:36concerts christian concerts or going to
4:38trips like that but
4:40um you know we got to the age of about
4:4218 and here in memphis it's sort of a
4:45a melting pot of of of uh people's
4:48parents that have gone to all these
4:49different sec schools in the area you
4:51know mississippi state
4:52ole miss arkansas tennessee alabama
4:54wherever
4:55so a lot of people because memphis is
4:57one of the larger cities in the south
4:59they congregate here so a lot of
5:00people's parents were here they went
5:02uh they wanted to go where their parents
5:04went when it you know came time to go to
5:05college so
5:07you know this community that i'd
5:08surrounded myself with um all of a
5:10sudden was on the verge of disappearing
5:12now i went to an episcopal school too
5:14it's always funny i'm like i was raised
5:15baptist i went to episcopal school and
5:17now i'm catholic
5:18so you know i only got a few more rounds
5:20to make and then i'll be all three
5:22through most of them but but uh at the
5:24episcopal school you know i was a good
5:25athlete played basketball things like
5:27that and i generally was a popular kid
5:29when those sports were going on
5:30but when they weren't i just you know i
5:33was always living
5:34my life talking about christ and at the
5:36time that wasn't a real popular thing
5:37even at a christian school a lot of
5:39people kind of were talking about other
5:40things and you're sort of the dork
5:42you know for for talking about your
5:44faith and the way that you love christ
5:45so
5:46my community was at that church i mean
5:48that's where all my friends were growing
5:50up so when
5:51we reached the age of 18 uh and people
5:53started saying well i'm going to ole
5:55miss or i'm going to tennessee or
5:56wherever
5:57i started going oh no like what am i
5:58going to do you know i have no idea what
6:00i want to do in my life
6:02i'd started working at napa auto parts
6:04when i was 16 years old my father worked
6:06there 45 years and
6:08and he looked at me on 16 and said it's
6:10time for you to start doing something so
6:12get a job in the summer start making
6:13some money and pay for that car note or
6:15whatever so
6:16i was doing that but i had i wasn't ever
6:18one of those guys that knew what i
6:20wanted to do with my life you know i had
6:21friends that said i want to be a cpa or
6:23i want to be a lawyer or a doctor and
6:25you know dang it if 10 years later they
6:26weren't
6:27those things but i was never i hate
6:29those guys man
6:31yeah i'm like why is this so easy for
6:33you you know
6:35but uh so anyway we got to the age of 18
6:38and people started to leave and all of a
6:39sudden i was by myself
6:40for the first time in my life so i
6:42looked around i'd always been a
6:44university of memphis fan basketball and
6:46they were terrible in football they're
6:48pretty good now but basketball was my
6:50thing so
6:51i'd always sort of dreamed i was going
6:52to go there to play basketball that
6:54didn't work out so i said well i'll just
6:55at least try to go to school there and
6:56see if i can figure it out on the way
6:58um didn't know anybody except one guy
7:01left in memphis
7:02and he was in charge of a fraternity you
7:04know he was the russ chairman that year
7:06so that first year i walked on campus
7:08and i was surrounded by thousands of
7:10people i mean thousands of people all
7:11around me
7:12but i didn't know um i didn't know who
7:16they were you know i just i didn't know
7:18any of them and all of a sudden i was
7:19there by myself
7:20so i started going to class i'm in these
7:23in these rooms and i'm looking around
7:25and seeing all these people they're
7:26talking no one's talking to me
7:27and i'm an outgoing guy it wasn't like i
7:29wasn't trying but i just wasn't making a
7:31lot of headway
7:32beautiful girls that i would try to you
7:34know talk to and uh they were only
7:36talking to guys in those fraternity
7:37shirts so i figured
7:38you know what i'll call my buddy and the
7:39fraternity see if i can get one of those
7:41shirts and get somebody to talk to me
7:43so that's what i did i called him i
7:45pledged a fraternity
7:46made it in and uh you know matthew
7:49that's when
7:50i really quit going to church you know
7:52for 10 years of my life
7:54all of a sudden you know i realized that
7:57i'd had this identity in the faith in
7:58the church but without that structure
8:00without that community
8:01without that support it quickly went
8:03away
8:04i started to do the things in college
8:06that people did to
8:07to fit in to be popular to be cool
8:10started drinking a whole lot
8:12uh at this time i was still working at
8:14napa and i'd
8:16moved myself up i'd made my way up was
8:18making some good money
8:19a lot more money than a college kid
8:21should be making in college
8:23and so people knew that so all of a
8:25sudden i was the guy that
8:26you know could pay for gas to go places
8:28and pay to get people into clubs and buy
8:30all the beer you wanted and
8:32you know then i could start buying drugs
8:34which eventually worked its way
8:35into the rotation right people were
8:37smoking a lot of weed and i started with
8:39that and then
8:40next thing you know it was acid and then
8:44ecstasy there were some pills that you
8:46know i tried and took
8:48and uh one night that made the worst
8:51decision in my life it was a sunday
8:52evening i'll never forget it i was over
8:54to buddy's house
8:55and uh we were watching you know nfl or
8:57something like that all day drinking
8:58beer and
8:59and uh smoking some weed and i'd had too
9:01much and i was worried about getting
9:03home at that time there was an
9:04uber and all this cool stuff that you
9:06know we got now where you can hit a
9:07button and somebody will drive you home
9:08safely but
9:10um i got up to go to the back of the
9:12house go to the restroom and there was
9:13some of my guy
9:14my buddies had disappeared a while and
9:16as i went down the hallway
9:18um i heard some some guys talking open
9:20the door a little bit
9:21and there was go uh cocaine on this
9:23dresser and i'd never seen cocaine
9:26you know but it was one of those moments
9:27where like i flashed back to those like
9:30nbc after school specials or whatever
9:32where
9:32you got the scene of like oh my gosh i'm
9:34not supposed to be anywhere near this
9:36and
9:36you know you would think after doing you
9:38know that would have happened with acid
9:39and all that but for some reason cocaine
9:41was like the thing you're like
9:42don't ever do that because you'll never
9:43be able to stop and i had the flashback
9:46of like being in the car with my parents
9:48and just mom i'll never drink mom i'll
9:50never do drugs mom
9:52you know all those promises going out
9:53the window and
9:55these guys apparently had been doing
9:56this in my around me but had never
9:59you know they knew i didn't do it so
10:01they didn't invite me to do it
10:02this has been going on in the shadows a
10:04little bit in the in the group of
10:05friends
10:06in my fraternity so you know i start to
10:08walk away they call me back hey man you
10:11know why don't you try this and
10:12i can't tell you why i did it but i made
10:14the decision to do it i did a line and
10:16you know matthew i felt like i could run
10:18through a wall
10:19uh i never felt like anything like that
10:21in my life uh i was able to drive home
10:23that night and i told myself when i got
10:25home i was still living with my parents
10:26at the time
10:27i said i'll never do that again right
10:28like i'll that's it like
10:30never touched that again well the
10:32following friday i was at a buddy's
10:34house and one of the same guys we were
10:36hanging out
10:37and all of a sudden everybody i guess
10:38was like well now he's seen this and
10:40he's aware that we do this so
10:42it started to go on right in front of me
10:44you know in the den on a coffee table
10:46and everybody's
10:47and i'm going oh man like what am i
10:49going to do now and and i
10:50i gave in again and started doing and
10:52i'm not trying to blame them i'm
10:54you know in charge of my own decisions
10:55but for whatever reason i made those
10:57wrong decisions and
10:59so that started to become a big thing in
11:00my life um you know school
11:03became less and less of uh importance to
11:05me i couldn't figure out what i wanted
11:07to be
11:07i got a goose egg one semester my dad
11:09said that's it you know i'm not paying
11:11for school so you can just work full
11:12time for napa so i started doing all of
11:15that
11:16and hanging out with these same guys and
11:18you know we would sit there on a friday
11:20night and do cocaine and say well we're
11:22just gonna
11:22we're gonna drink a lot and then we'll
11:24do this it'll calm us down bring us down
11:26and then we can go out at 11 o'clock
11:28midnight at night to meet girls and all
11:30that stuff
11:31and be able to go out and party well
11:33then
11:34that worked for a while but then it
11:36became we get back from doing that and
11:38we do cocaine all night
11:40and then it moved from that to where we
11:42didn't go out at all anymore
11:43it was just us sitting around doing
11:45cocaine we were all getting more and
11:46more addicted to it
11:48and shortly after that the guys of
11:51attorney started figuring out that
11:52there's this group of guys that are
11:53doing this and so
11:54that kind of separated and then the guys
11:57who finally said you know enough's
11:58enough they kind of separated and it was
12:00just me and a couple other guys
12:02well i was functioning you know at a
12:04high level at this time of my life i had
12:06moved up to
12:06be a salesman in in the company of napa
12:09auto parts i was making a lot of money i
12:11was a salesman of the year
12:12for a fortune 250 company and nobody
12:15knew all this was going on in my life i
12:16i just
12:17i got to the point where i was buying
12:19the drugs myself i was doing them
12:21you know by myself at my apartment you
12:23know things that i'd always sworn i
12:25wouldn't do
12:26i'll do it but i won't do it by myself
12:27i'll do it but i won't buy it i'll do it
12:29but i'll never have the dealer's number
12:31all that stuff crumbled you know pretty
12:32quickly
12:34and i found myself going to work
12:36performing all day long putting on the
12:38mask and the facades that
12:40that so many guys in this world try to
12:41keep up right that these appearances
12:44but i was a broken mess inside and you
12:46know i didn't have girlfriends for a
12:48long time because i just kind of focused
12:50on work and partying and work and
12:51partying
12:53and uh one day in my life i was this was
12:55i guess i was about 25
12:5626 years old um i was really kind of
12:59depressed i hadn't been around any girls
13:01that sort of aged around out of the
13:03of the going out you know where you the
13:05college age of that stuff so
13:07um i i was pretty hopeless at the time
13:10right i was in between apartments i was
13:11back at my parents house for a minute
13:13and i was just sitting there going man
13:15like am i ever going to get married am i
13:16ever going to be able to stop the stuff
13:18i'm doing and then those
13:20voices would come in oh it's not a big
13:21deal you know no worries a lot of people
13:23do this
13:23you can handle it um well one night i
13:26went out to a bar my little sister was
13:28in town she was i had moved away at
13:30college age and
13:31came back every once in a while but it's
13:33been several years since uh she'd lived
13:35here
13:35so she came back for a visit and i took
13:38her out to this bar that we used to go
13:39to with my buddies
13:40on friday nights and we'd sit there and
13:42play golden tea golf drink some beer
13:44hang out all that kind of stuff
13:46well my sister uh comes in and she's
13:48hanging out the guys are there
13:50but for some reason this night everybody
13:52decides they're going home early like
13:53and i was disappointed like come on man
13:55it's friday we're gonna
13:56you know we're gonna do stuff we're not
13:57supposed to be doing but then we're also
13:58gonna have a good time and party and all
14:00that
14:01so my little sister uh winds up leaving
14:05and i'm sitting there a friend of hers
14:06comes in that you play volleyball with
14:08her and says hey
14:09john it's good to see you you know it's
14:11been a long time i speak to her and she
14:12goes and sits at this table this girl i
14:14knew from college named angela
14:16and a couple minutes later the same girl
14:18my sister's friend comes over and goes
14:20hey
14:20this girl at the table thinks you're
14:22cute wants to talk to you and uh
14:24and i said okay uh that girl that's
14:27angela she used to date one of my best
14:28friends in college like i don't what
14:30does she want you know what does she
14:31want to talk to me for
14:32so long story short she didn't realize
14:35who i was i'd grown a goatee i'd filled
14:37out you know in the last couple years
14:39so she didn't realize that we knew each
14:40other while i sit down at this table we
14:42start talking
14:43and we hit it off that night matt and uh
14:45and we started dating and shortly
14:47thereafter about a year later we get
14:49married
14:49and i'm thinking this whole time all
14:51right my life's getting on track it's
14:52time to stop this cocaine it's time to
14:54stop the nonsense
14:55i'm lucky i haven't been caught in a
14:57random drug test all these things
14:58it's time to grow up right as saint paul
15:00says like to put away childish things
15:02and
15:02and be a man well you know i just knew
15:05these these milestones in my life would
15:06stop
15:07they stopped what i was doing but they
15:08didn't um angela and i we started
15:10talking about getting married we start
15:12uh making the preparations for that i
15:14was baptist she had somewhere in a
15:16conversation
15:17said the man i'm gonna marry he's gonna
15:18be catholic so i thought i was the man
15:20for the job so i went to the first rcia
15:22class i could find and signed up and
15:25went through that you know just the
15:27intention to
15:28to uh to to marry her in my in my mind
15:31that was a chevrolet move right like i'm
15:33giving up
15:34what was my faith for yours and to marry
15:37you and
15:37hopefully that means something and but
15:39she didn't know really i hadn't been
15:40going to church in 10 years either
15:42right so but we wound up deciding to get
15:45married we get married in the church
15:46go through rcia my father-in-law was my
15:48sponsor the whole time i'm hiding all of
15:50this
15:50you know we're dating i'm still doing
15:51drugs hiding it
15:54and so we get married and and i'm
15:56thinking okay it's going to stop well it
15:57didn't
15:58uh i continue to work and and more
16:00stress piles on with work
16:02we start to talk about children i'm
16:04thinking okay this is it like i don't
16:05want to take the risk of doing drugs and
16:07while we're trying to have children and
16:09something happen to the baby because of
16:11of what i'm doing but that didn't stop
16:14me either
16:14i kept doing it uh our son jacob was
16:17born two years after we were married
16:18he's 11 today
16:20perfectly fine you know god blessed us
16:22in that regard
16:23but i thought okay great this is it i
16:24wanted to be a dad my whole life and i
16:26got a son the first time out like
16:28i can't wait to teach him all these
16:29things and and
16:31now i've got to stop doing cocaine right
16:32like look at this this bundle of like
16:35happiness how could i continue to do
16:36this but matthew like it had a hold of
16:39me at that point you know i couldn't i
16:41couldn't get rid of it i was still doing
16:42it
16:43and and it didn't stop it didn't change
16:45all this
16:46stress was coming on me i was now a
16:48father i had to provide i was 100
16:50commissioned salesperson year over year
16:52after i had to
16:53beat my number to continue to make what
16:54i made or more
16:56um i put so much pressure on myself well
16:59about a year three years later we're
17:00down the road i'm still doing the drugs
17:03in this time my mother passes away from
17:05cancer
17:07you know my mother was a very holy woman
17:09just loved the church loved her faith
17:12and she contracted breast cancer and it
17:15i remember when she did it was you know
17:17five years uh
17:19before the girl it was right before yeah
17:21five years before jacob was born
17:23she contracted this and she was like
17:25it's no big deal i'm gonna beat it women
17:26be
17:26breast cancer all the time but every
17:29year it seemed like it moved somewhere
17:30else and move somewhere else and
17:32at that time in my life i was sort of i
17:34would go visit them you know they
17:36retired down to their farm in
17:37mississippi i'd go visit but i was
17:38always quickly out the door because i
17:40didn't want to miss the party or
17:41miss whatever was going on and so i
17:44remember
17:45my mother one day i knew she had an
17:47appointment here in memphis at the
17:48cancer doctor
17:50and i'd never been to a doctor's
17:51appointment with her my dad always went
17:53but for some reason that day i said i'm
17:55gonna drive over there and meet him and
17:56surprise him
17:57so i walked in there and they told me
17:59she was in the back and i could go in
18:01well i didn't know what was going on i
18:03sat down and my father was sitting there
18:06he's what are you doing here and we were
18:07kind of catching up and
18:09and the doctor comes in and she just
18:11looks at us and says i'm sorry to have
18:12to say this but it
18:14has moved you know from your lungs and
18:16through your other systems and now it's
18:17in your brain and you may have a month
18:19or so to live
18:20this is the first time i've ever been to
18:22a doctor's appointment with my mother
18:23and
18:25sorry still kind of fresh but i
18:27understand man take
18:28take a second i lost my mom to cancer as
18:30well yeah and
18:32uh you know i'm sitting here going wow
18:35the first time i go to the doctor with
18:36my mom
18:37this is what i hear and i look over at
18:38my dad this mountain of a man that
18:40grew up on a farm and you know whatever
18:42a lot i love user i'm proud to use it
18:44was always sort of you should know
18:46about what i do for you and the way i
18:47live my life and provide for you
18:49see this mountain of a man just break
18:51down in tears you know and and
18:53i'm going oh my gosh well i tell angela
18:56i have to call and tell my sisters and
18:58and then i start to get angry right like
19:00i just start to get mad like god
19:02you know what what's with this right
19:04that she is so
19:05such a wonderful woman such a holy woman
19:07she loves everybody she
19:08she puts everybody first like no matter
19:10what she was always the last to eat
19:12always the last to
19:13you know she just took care of everybody
19:15and here i am this guy that
19:18that i just why am i
19:22why do i exist right like i all i do is
19:24do drugs and lie
19:26and and hide things and and and just you
19:29know i was i was struggling with porn
19:30and all kind of stuff at that time of my
19:32life
19:32i'm like why does somebody good like
19:34that have to die
19:36and you let people like me live you know
19:39i really
19:40it was just a hard time in my life and i
19:42began to cuss god i began to curse god i
19:44was like i'll never
19:45if this is the kind of god you are then
19:47i don't want any part of you right like
19:48i don't
19:49i don't want anything to do with you
19:50you're not allowed in my life i'll never
19:51worship you i'll never love you i hate
19:53you god
19:54i remember saying those things over and
19:56over and uh
19:58yeah and so i just began this hate
20:01relationship with god i quit going to
20:02church
20:02you know the only reason i was really
20:03going to the time was to keep my wife
20:05off my back
20:06i never really fully embraced the
20:07catholic faith didn't really ever
20:08understand it didn't have the best rcia
20:10class
20:12wasn't participating in the sacraments
20:13other than going up and
20:15taking communion and probably you know
20:17not rightly so
20:18the way i definitely not rightly so not
20:20probably
20:21but um this was all going in my life and
20:24you know all of a sudden amsoil tells me
20:26one day i've got my son jacob he's
20:28uh three at the time or two and we're at
20:31the memphis zoo i'm just taking him over
20:32there trying to do
20:33a dad thing because i'm guilty i feel so
20:35guilty for how i'm living my life
20:37and uh we're at the zoo and my wife
20:39calls and says hey i had that ultrasound
20:41today
20:42at her work she works at a hospital and
20:44uh
20:45and she goes there's two heartbeats and
20:47i said yeah yours and the babies and she
20:49goes no that would be three we're having
20:50twins and
20:52i went oh my gosh like what what am i do
20:54you know how much daycare is going to
20:55cost you know that was like my first
20:57stream
20:58and all this is going on now in the
21:00midst of this matthew i'm still doing
21:01all these drugs right like i'm
21:03i'm doing you know i'm buying a 40 bag
21:06of cocaine like every day
21:08and not always doing it all but but how
21:10are you doing like
21:11how are you maintaining yourself at this
21:13point i'm sitting here wondering how
21:15you're
21:16maintaining the facade it must have been
21:17exhausting it was
21:19it was matthew and that that's what i
21:21tell everybody is like it's such a
21:22prison cell you know it's such a prison
21:24telling because you you
21:25i lied to everybody and everyone i knew
21:28you know and it was to the point where i
21:30didn't know what anybody would i
21:31couldn't remember what i told anybody
21:33so if somebody walk up and go hey john
21:35did you and i'm going oh my god oh my
21:36god oh my god what did i say what did i
21:38say what are they going to ask what if i
21:39don't have the right answer what if i
21:40told them something different last time
21:42all the time every conversation i had
21:44but i would i could sit up like i saw i
21:46would go home i would play with jacob
21:48i would cook dinner but i would drink
21:50five beers before angela and jacob got
21:52home
21:53you know i would do a couple of lines
21:54like okay and i would do make dinner and
21:57all these things to kind of keep up the
21:58you know this facade that i was a good
22:00husband and a good father
22:02but then jacob would go to bed angela
22:04would go do her thing and i would you
22:06know drink 15 beers in a night you know
22:07i smoke a
22:08pack of cigarettes i would i would uh do
22:11you know no telling how many lines of
22:12cocaine and stay up to one or two in the
22:14morning
22:15and so the girls come and i'm thinking
22:17lord please don't let this happen you
22:18know where where something happens to
22:20them because of
22:20what i'm putting in my body and again
22:23blessed with two beautiful red-haired
22:25eyed identical twin girls uh allison and
22:27caitlin there's seven about to be eight
22:29tomorrow
22:30and uh and i'm thinking now i gotta
22:32change right now this is it this is
22:34gonna be the thing like i don't
22:35i don't get to mess around anymore this
22:37is the defining moment
22:39nope just continue to do it more and
22:41more
22:42you know i told you when my mother died
22:44it just threw me into a spiral like i
22:46continued to just say you know what i
22:47don't care
22:48i don't care like if this is the way god
22:50treats people then i'm just going to
22:51live my life the way i want
22:53the only time i ever mourn my mother's
22:54death was in the shower i would get in
22:56the shower in the morning
22:57and then we had watched a movie um gosh
23:00i'm gonna remember the name i forget the
23:01name of it but
23:02it's morgan freeman and uh jack
23:04nicholson the bucket list
23:06you know she wanted to watch that and
23:07then i didn't realize it was about
23:08cancer and you know we were in the room
23:10watching i remember this day
23:12but john mayer had a song in it called
23:14say and it would say you know say what
23:16you need to say say what you need to say
23:17and it talked about death and dying
23:19so that i would play that song and i
23:21would sit in the shower and just bawl my
23:22eyes out and i would punch the shower
23:24wall and just
23:25curse god and all those things and and
23:28so i was very
23:29obviously unhappy in my life and broken
23:32and lost
23:33i was carrying all this stuff i didn't
23:34really have any friends in my life
23:36i continued to do coke and a lot of the
23:37other guys just said you know what i
23:39i'm done with this i got a girlfriend i
23:41got a wife now like you know time to
23:42grow up
23:43well that wasn't me so i lost the
23:46friends i had in my life and i just was
23:48alone angel wanted to go out places she
23:50wanted to go to dinner she wanted to go
23:51enjoy a date something like that but i
23:53only wanted my couch and my beer and my
23:55drugs
23:56i had a fear now and as an extrovert of
23:58going out
23:59and having to to to interact with other
24:01people and fear that they might find out
24:03you know or be able to tell something
24:05about me that was off
24:06i was doing cocaine everywhere i went
24:08you know if i was at a ball game or
24:10something i was doing it all the time so
24:13um
24:14the event that that when it all came
24:17crashing down
24:19yeah yeah you know one night the girls
24:21are born we're doing that whole thing
24:23you know
24:23uh taking care of the babies taking care
24:25of jacob and
24:27work and start to get more stressed and
24:28stressed you know just more stressful
24:30all the time
24:31i had a big customer here in memphis
24:32that owned like you know a bunch of tire
24:34stores
24:35and they were just people that were
24:38difficult you know deal with like they
24:39were my number one customer if i lost
24:40that account
24:41then everything was gone like all my
24:43money the house of cards comes flying
24:45you know comes crashing down
24:46so there was a couple of nights where i
24:49got texts from them late at night where
24:50they looked at something wrong and
24:51thought that we had jacked up their
24:52pricing and i started getting those
24:54you know um blank blankety blank blank
24:57you know you text
24:58and you know i'm not buying from you
25:00ever again and the stress man i just
25:02it threw me into a frenzy because it
25:03happened a lot of nights in a row
25:05and so i just started turning it on and
25:07doing more and more this time in my life
25:09angel had sort of said i don't know
25:10what's going on with him
25:11i don't know that i want to know i'm
25:13just going to go do my thing you know
25:15um our marital like the the the
25:17relations of husband and wife
25:19uh were few and far between because i
25:20was afraid of going back there and not
25:22being able to
25:23to uh to to be able to do that with the
25:26way the drugs affected your body
25:28so there was this just total breakdown
25:30of intimacy all around
25:32not just in a sexual way but all kind of
25:34intimacy
25:35so i'm sitting there this one night and
25:37these techs come in and it's like one in
25:39the morning and i got some baseball game
25:41on repeat that i don't even
25:42i hate baseball so it's just on in case
25:44she walks in the room
25:46oh he's doing something so i i finish up
25:50with the drugs i throw the beer out and
25:51i go get in bed for some reason this
25:53night matthew like i
25:54i can go to sleep pretty quickly um was
25:56not the case if you've ever done cocaine
25:58hopefully
25:58no one listening has but it's hard to go
26:00to sleep well i'm laying there i go to
26:02sleep pretty quickly
26:03and then i'm thrown out of bed in the
26:04middle of the night like you know maybe
26:0730 minutes after i fell asleep just pop
26:09up out of the bed i'm sitting up my
26:11heart feels like it's going to explode
26:12out of my chest
26:14i crawl out of the bed fall and hit my
26:16knees i kind of look up
26:17and make sure that angel doesn't sit up
26:19and go what is that what's that noise
26:21i crawl into what you know was called
26:23the master bathroom but it was like the
26:25closet sized bathroom in my tiny house
26:27we had the time
26:28and i crawl up to the commode and i
26:30can't breathe matthew i'm sitting there
26:32just
26:32just going what's going to happen like
26:33oh no this is it i'm going to die like
26:35all these things you see in these movies
26:37with guys that do drugs like this is
26:38that
26:39my my heart's going to explode i'm going
26:41to have a heart attack right here
26:42and so i crawl up on this commode i'm
26:44sitting there i'm just rocking back and
26:46forth and
26:47and uh and i start to just say all right
26:49god like you know
26:50i'm not a fan of yours but i don't want
26:52my kids to be without a father i don't
26:53want my wife to be without a husband
26:55like if you'll just make this stop you
26:57know i promise i won't do it again i
26:59promise i won't do it again
27:00well it just kept happening kept
27:01happening so i grabbed a towel from the
27:03towel rack and threw it over my face and
27:05tried to slow my
27:06breathing and i did i was able to calm
27:08my breathing
27:09it slowed down my heartbeat slowed down
27:11and i got up
27:13i crawled back into bed and uh and went
27:15to sleep angela never woke up
27:17and i said i'll never do it again i'm
27:18going to get up in the morning i'm going
27:19to throw out the drugs i'm going to quit
27:21all this stuff
27:22and i did well 4 30 the next afternoon
27:25i was right back there buying the drugs
27:27again i was back there buying their 12
27:28pack
27:29and i was back at home doing the things
27:31that i did so at very next night
27:33same thing happens it's late at night i
27:35got some espn or something on you know
27:37repeat and i get through and i go
27:41back to bed and i lay down and go to
27:42sleep quickly wake up same thing
27:44panic attack heart about you know i was
27:46about to blow out of my chest fall out
27:48of the bed crawl the bathroom same exact
27:50events
27:51and this time i'm going all right like
27:52this is two strikes i don't know if i'm
27:54gonna get another one
27:55god you know how i feel about you but if
27:58you help me
27:59i know there's a men's conference this
28:00weekend that my father-in-law's been
28:01wanting me to go to
28:02i'll go to confession i'll go to that
28:04conference i'll be better
28:05i don't want i don't want to die i don't
28:08want to die i don't want my family lose
28:09their father
28:10i remember sitting there saying when i
28:12was worried about angela like i really
28:14felt like i needed to call an ambulance
28:16but there was a thought in my mind that
28:17said i would rather die right here than
28:18her find out
28:19i'd rather die right here in this
28:21bathroom than her find out what's going
28:22on in my life
28:23and have to deal with that because i
28:24knew she would take the children i would
28:26you know my life would be iraq and and
28:29she'd have every right to
28:31so you know i i i pray that prayer i'm
28:35saying god i'll go this weekend i'll do
28:37it i'll make you a deal
28:38i'll be better so i get up my heart
28:40stops i go back to bed
28:42and and i get up the next day so i go to
28:44this men's conference i didn't want to
28:45go
28:46i was trying to go back on my word but i
28:48just thought you know what i don't know
28:49if i'm gonna get another shot at this
28:51so i went to this men's conference in
28:52memphis that they put together every
28:53year
28:54about a thousand men go i think father
28:56mike schmitz no as the crossing the gold
28:58guys were there they were speaking and a
28:59witness speaker
29:00but i went for one reason to go to
29:02confession and so i did i did the thing
29:04where you walk out and they got
29:06you know a bunch of priests in the
29:07hallway and i'm walking down the hallway
29:09going nope i know him nope i know him
29:11nope i know him
29:12i'm not going in there he knows my
29:14family you know that kind of stuff
29:16and i found a guy from batesville
29:17mississippi which is a town outside of
29:19memphis of about 40 miles and so there's
29:21no way that guy's going to know me
29:22so i go in there it's this kind of
29:24crotch of the old priest he looks like
29:26he doesn't even really want to be there
29:27and i'm thinking well this you know i
29:29don't know what this is going to wind up
29:30like but
29:31i sit down i don't even know how to go
29:33to confession because the only time i've
29:35ever been is during
29:36rcia 10 years before i'm 37 years old
29:39now right
29:40and i and i don't even know how to
29:41practice my own faith that i'm married
29:43into
29:44so i go in here and he he starts it for
29:46me i go to tell him everything in my
29:48life
29:48and i finish with i i just want to stop
29:51but i don't want to get in trouble
29:53and he says to me man he just lit into
29:55me he says that's not up to you and if
29:57you really want to be
29:58forgiven you've got to be repented and
30:00you need to turn your life around and if
30:01you're not willing to do that
30:02then you just need to get out of here
30:04you know all that stuff i'm like hey
30:05buddy all right
30:06i'm trying to i'm trying to confess and
30:08i didn't expect you to be aren't you
30:10guys supposed to be loving and like
30:12compassionate and all that stuff and
30:14he's like no you need to figure out what
30:16you want in your life and if it's god
30:17then you need to figure out that out
30:19right now
30:20and so i'm sobbing i'm telling him
30:21everything i'm telling the truth and
30:23and he gives me absolution and i get up
30:25and i made the vow right there and then
30:27i wouldn't do drugs again i was gonna
30:29be better in my life that was that
30:30saturday night
30:32so i go home i pour out the booze i
30:34throw out the cigarettes i flush the the
30:36drugs
30:37and i held my promise together for four
30:40days
30:41um i made it monday tuesday wednesday
30:42and i got to tell you something matthew
30:44it was
30:45for somebody who's never been addicted
30:46anything when you stop like that your
30:49body
30:50it feels like the worst stomach virus
30:52you've ever gotten in your life
30:53like it feels like that time's ten i can
30:56remember
30:56i would get up and go to work and i was
30:58fine i would go do things i needed to do
31:00but 4 30 in the afternoon when that was
31:02usually the time i started kind of
31:03shutting down the day
31:05and heading towards the house if i had
31:07in my mind i'm not stopping by my
31:08dealer's house my body would go from
31:10feeling completely fine
31:11to wretching like literally physically
31:14wretching
31:15going like no you can't go home what are
31:16you going to do tonight you don't have
31:18any beer you don't have any drugs what
31:19are you going to do
31:20and just shaking and all this stuff that
31:22was just physical or demonic
31:24as well you know what looking back at it
31:27probably a little bit of both
31:29i've heard a lot of of addicts that you
31:30know famous people that have really you
31:32know
31:32uh actors and musicians and stuff that
31:34have really been bought into
31:36into drugs talk about the physical side
31:38of it is you telling your body no and it
31:40just freaks out you know
31:42but i do see where there was some
31:44demonic presence in it too i mean there
31:45had to be
31:46um but so i'm i am uh
31:50you know i'm starting to head home every
31:51night feeling sick i make it all the way
31:53to thursday
31:54now this is holy thursday it's easter
31:56week and uh
31:58and i go down to a place in her native
32:00mississippi a town in in mississippi
32:02uh about 20 minutes from memphis and
32:04i've got my oldest customer there who's
32:06been looking to renovate his shop
32:08it's about 200 000 worth of equipment
32:10i'm gonna make a ton of money off of it
32:11more money than i made all year long to
32:13that point
32:14in one sale and he tells me that day you
32:16know he gives me a po
32:18send it right i want it you know go
32:20ahead and bill it
32:21so i call my boss he's going nuts
32:22because it's going to make it his end of
32:24the year stuff
32:25i'm going to make a bunch of money and
32:26i'm heading up the interstate well that
32:28dealer lived
32:29off that interstate between that shop
32:30and my house so i just started all
32:33sudden in my head this euphoria goes off
32:34i'm going man
32:35i just man i'm so happy this i've been
32:37working on this a year i should
32:39celebrate how am i going to celebrate
32:41and then it came like i'll just get up
32:43some cocaine i'll just do a little bit
32:44of cocaine tonight like
32:46you know i know i promise god but it's
32:47not a big deal i'll just do it this once
32:49so i stopped by this guy's house i
32:51actually passed it because he wouldn't
32:52answer the phone i was supposed to be
32:53picking up my son jacob
32:55from my father-in-law's and he called me
32:58the drug dealer called back about
32:59halfway there
33:00i spun the car around like guys on the
33:02dukes of hazard you know like just
33:04flipped it around going the other way
33:06and and pull back to his house run in
33:08give him my 40 bucks i normally
33:10give them get back in the car i look
33:12down i have no gas like i've got a
33:13digital meter it's a zero
33:15and i'm going oh my gosh as you can
33:17imagine i'm not in a very nice part of
33:18town
33:19and so i hang a left i blow down the
33:22street going 60 or so
33:24and pulling this gas station glad to
33:25make it well as soon as i started
33:27opening the door to get out of here this
33:28whoop and there's a police car behind me
33:31it's a dea unit it's tahoe
33:33and there's cops on all sides of the car
33:34they're jerking me out of the car they
33:36throw me up against the back i had the
33:38cocaine in my sock
33:40um you know when i got when i realized i
33:41heard that noise i threw it in my sock
33:43well they throw me up against the car
33:45they've been watching this house all day
33:47and they're where's the drugs where's
33:48the drugs and if you don't tell us we're
33:50gonna rip this car apart and we're going
33:52to find them anyway so you better tell
33:53us now and
33:54and i just say it's in my sock it's in
33:56my sock i've never been in trouble
33:57before matthew never been arrested never
33:58you know i wasn't a problem kid
34:01and uh next thing you know one of the
34:03cops is getting mad at me because i
34:04don't have gas in my car i don't have
34:06money to get them to put gas in my car
34:07the other ones throw me in the back of a
34:09tahoe one of them takes off to impound
34:11my car and the other one takes me down
34:12to organized crime unit
34:14they throw me in there i'm chained by my
34:16leg to this bench and by my arm
34:18and next you know this this these cops
34:20that are dressed like clubbing guys you
34:22know undercover cops come in
34:23and just start grilling me you know
34:25who's the guy you're buying from all
34:26this stuff and i'm not saying a word
34:28and then they're telling me if you don't
34:30help us so they ask me their questions i
34:33answered what i could
34:34and they promised me like you're not
34:35going to go to jail you're just going to
34:37you know we're going to let you go
34:38well that didn't happen that didn't
34:40happen at all as soon as they left the
34:42room a uniformed officer came
34:44in you know unhandcuffed me from the
34:46bench and everything and said all right
34:47it's time to go and i'm thinking i'm
34:48going home
34:49well then he handcuffed me behind my
34:50back and he says we're going to my
34:51patrol car you're going to downtown
34:53the jail in downtown memphis now memphis
34:56is one of the most violent
34:57cities in the country you know as far as
34:59for crime so here i am going to this
35:01place that i've had guys who've got
35:02dui's and friends of mine things like
35:04that in college
35:05that had been there i personally had
35:07only been there to check you know to get
35:08somebody out
35:09bail a guy out one time but i'd heard
35:11stories of how horrible it was
35:13so i'm here i am in the back of this
35:14police car it's now probably seven
35:16o'clock at night all this transpired at
35:17about 4 30 in the afternoon
35:19my wife has no idea where i am i was
35:21supposed to get my my son i never showed
35:23up they have my cell phone
35:25so they pull up and there's this line to
35:27drop people off
35:28and the cops are getting angry because
35:29they wanted to get off work now they got
35:31two hours in a car with me
35:32waiting to get me out so i'm sitting
35:35back there and one of them looks in the
35:36mirror and he says man
35:37what's your deal you don't look like
35:39you've ever been in trouble in your life
35:40said i hadn't man i never have i made
35:42some mistakes i
35:43i started doing drugs in college i
35:44should have quit a long time ago
35:46you know all of that and he says well
35:48man like
35:49what you look really really worried and
35:51so well i'm about to go to jail man like
35:52i'm not
35:54of course i'm worried it's all i want to
35:55do is call my wife and tell him okay
35:57and he says to me he goes you know what
35:59we're not going anywhere i'll get your
36:00phone out
36:01of the trunk and i'll put it to your ear
36:02i can't i'm not i can't get you out of
36:03the car
36:04i can't on handcuff you but i'll dial
36:06the number and put it to your ear if you
36:07really want to speak to her
36:09now i remember saying well i do but i'm
36:10afraid of what she's going to say
36:12and matthew this i still think about
36:14this this day this cops look
36:15looks in the rearview mirror i can see
36:17his eyes from the back seat and he goes
36:19well are you worried about her are you
36:20worried about you and the thing was
36:22matthew in my life i had been worried
36:24about myself for so long
36:26how much money i made the stuff i bought
36:28and put around me the
36:29the what people thought of me all of
36:31that stuff it was always about what i
36:32wanted
36:33when i wanted it i was a selfish jerk of
36:35a husband i was a selfish father i was
36:37only a good father or a husband when i
36:39wanted to be which wasn't very often
36:41i just fell in the traps that a lot of
36:43men are in so he gets my phone and he
36:45puts it to my ear
36:46and he calls and she answers oh my gosh
36:48oh my gosh where are you john are you
36:50okay are you okay
36:51and i just said angela i'm fine i'm in
36:53the back of a police car i'm in downtown
36:54memphis i've been arrested
36:56and she says for what and i said amez
36:58i've been arrested for the possession of
36:59cocaine
37:01and at that point she just said john i
37:03knew it i knew something was going on
37:04with you she knew that some of the guys
37:06i ran with in college
37:07had done this i just she probably
37:09assumed that we had grown out of it or
37:11or stopped or whatever but she had her
37:12suspicions and she just said i hate you
37:15i hope you go to hell and i never want
37:17to see you again like i i don't
37:20i don't care you can rot in that jail
37:22and all i wanted was just to let her
37:24know i was all right you know i wasn't
37:25expecting it it's okay or anything like
37:27that
37:27you know i was fine with her response at
37:29that time i just wanted her to know that
37:31i was alive and i was okay
37:33so he hangs up the phone he gets in the
37:34car he drives me up to the place they
37:36take me out
37:37you know take me in there sign in my
37:38stuff they take your belt and your
37:40possessions like your keys and stuff
37:41throw them back there
37:43and then they release me into this room
37:45with all these guys
37:46some were in there for violent stuff
37:47some of them are dui's
37:49and i sit in there from about 7 30 in
37:51the evening to about four in the morning
37:53this whole time i think i'm getting out
37:55of this right i'm a salesman i'm really
37:56good at what i do i get out of things
37:58i can talk my way out of everything well
38:00they take me over i get the lug
38:02the mug shot like law and order right
38:04over there sideways forwards and i'm
38:06still thinking oh this is nothing i'll
38:07get out of it
38:08um four in the morning comes around they
38:10call me into these
38:12people that deal with the law you know
38:14with the courts and stuff and tell you
38:16your bail is going to be set in a couple
38:17of days or tomorrow maybe
38:19you're not getting out of here until
38:20that's done and then you've got a court
38:22appearance on this date
38:24so that's when it started to hit me it
38:25was real and then they take me back to
38:27this other room and they start saying
38:28okay here's your bag of stuff toilet
38:30paper
38:31blankets toothbrush scrubs they even had
38:34crocs in there like size 16 crocks
38:36i can't find shoes in a store that fit
38:38my size 16 feet
38:39but they had shoes in jail so i don't
38:42recommend you want shoes that bad to go
38:43to jail to get them
38:45but it just blew my mind like i'm
38:47sitting there at four in the morning
38:48going wow this is weird but
38:49i call angel there's one more chance for
38:51a phone call i call her
38:52and she says john i know where you are
38:54um and i don't care i've got to get up
38:56at a couple hours and get the kids to
38:58school and do everything by myself
38:59because you're not here
39:00so again i hang up the phone they line
39:03us up and this is when it really got
39:04real matthew like
39:05all of a sudden there's you're walking
39:07around this corner and there's cell
39:08there's cell blocks a b
39:10c d and then hallways of just jail cells
39:12so
39:13they take us down there i'm the last one
39:15i go down and they tell you to stand in
39:16front of this
39:17jail cell and these wrought iron bars
39:19and doors all of a sudden
39:21they start to slowly open and there's
39:23these you know bunk beds that are
39:25disgusting
39:26the masters mattresses have stains all
39:27over them god knows what's on them
39:29you know there's a six by six cell
39:30stainless toilet all that deal
39:32and they say inmates walk in i do i walk
39:35in there i turn around
39:36and that door starts to move just slowly
39:38boom boom boom boom and then that lock
39:40that hits the wall
39:41that lock clicks and i start to realize
39:43like this is it my life's over
39:45i'm going to lose everything i don't i
39:46don't know what's going to happen in my
39:48life from this point i can't go anywhere
39:50i'm no longer in control of my life
39:52and it was so much i hadn't slept in 24
39:54hours i was in the same clothes i hadn't
39:55eaten
39:56i was exhausted and so i just looked
39:58over they gave me two blankets i threw
39:59one on the bottom bunk bed
40:01laid down on it i grabbed the other one
40:03pulled it over my head
40:04and uh by the grace of god passed out uh
40:08just passed out the next morning i wake
40:10up and i'm still
40:11laying on my stomach which i never do i
40:13always sleep on my side it was weird but
40:15i woke up and um when i pulled the
40:18covers back
40:18it was still dark because i was under
40:20the covers and i thought oh good it's a
40:22nightmare thank god i will never do this
40:24again god thank you for your blessing of
40:26of giving me this image and this vision
40:27in my mind i'll never do this again
40:29well i stood up and that's when my head
40:31hit the top top of the bottom the bottom
40:33of a steel bunk bed
40:34matthew like i sat up and all of a
40:36sudden the covers fell off my
40:38head and i looked around and there's
40:39these yellow cinder block
40:41walls that they're about this far from
40:42my face and now
40:44i just threw my legs over the side like
40:46no no no no no no no no no no no like
40:48this isn't happening this is happening
40:50oh my gosh i'm going to lose my wife i'm
40:52going to lose my kids i'm going to lose
40:53my
40:53my my job everything everybody's going
40:55to know everybody's going to know
40:56everybody's going to know
40:57i mean it was like being in that
40:58bathroom again my heart was going to
41:00explode out of my chest
41:01i was crying i was trying not to cry
41:03because people could see me in the jail
41:05like just this mix of emotions and i'm
41:07rocking nine to nothing just freaking
41:09out
41:10and thinking what am i going to do what
41:11am i going to do there's moments of
41:13suicidal thoughts i started to look
41:14around to see if there's something i
41:16could take my life with in the jail cell
41:18because i just didn't want to deal with
41:19what i would have to deal with i
41:21and and all of a sudden is i'm rocking
41:23just as fast as my body will let me
41:26i stop like in the middle of that like
41:29back to my
41:30my regular upright position it just
41:31stops
41:33and this peace comes over me and i don't
41:36know why i can't explain to this day
41:38i just all of a sudden these words came
41:40out of my mouth and they're the truest
41:41words i've ever said in my life and it
41:42was
41:44at least now i don't have to lie anymore
41:47you know at least now everybody will
41:48know who i am
41:51and uh and in that moment matthew i
41:54began to realize like how much of my
41:55life was a lot
41:57like how much how much hurt i caused my
41:59wife and my children
42:01and and just how my whole life was about
42:04nothing but me
42:06and how i'd done everything in my life i
42:07could to to to hide everything and to
42:09make it only about me and
42:11and how i lost every bit of my faith and
42:13i started to see every bit of that
42:16and and i just started saying jesus i'm
42:20sorry
42:21i'm sorry like i don't i don't know what
42:23to do i can't help myself look at where
42:25i've gotten myself look at what's
42:26happened in my life
42:28i can't i can't do anything i need you
42:30in my life i'm so sorry for the things i
42:32said i'm sorry for
42:33saying i hated you i'm sorry for saying
42:35i'd never worship you again
42:36god all i want to do is stay with my
42:38family i don't care if i lose my job
42:40i don't care what else happens but i
42:41want an opportunity to be the man i
42:44should have been all my life
42:46and you know matthew i started to look
42:48back over
42:49over everything that had happened you
42:52know where i thought god had abandoned
42:53me
42:53you know with my mother and all these
42:55things i started to look at my life in
42:57these different places
42:58and see different ways where god was
43:00always there always trying to help me
43:02always trying to look out for me
43:03and in that moment i can i look back now
43:05and it was almost like he had my his arm
43:07around me
43:08saying john like it's okay that's what
43:10you needed me to be right that's what
43:12you needed me to be
43:13in your life i was that for you i was
43:15willing to take that for you
43:17you know but now i need you and i need
43:19you to be the man that i created you to
43:20be i need you to be the man
43:22that i always hoped you would be the man
43:23you were when you were younger
43:26and and i remember just thinking through
43:28all that and and i
43:29all of a sudden i said you know what i
43:31can't control anything right i can't
43:32control whether i'm gonna
43:34i'm gonna keep my job my wife my kids
43:35any of that all i can control is
43:38right now in this moment so i started to
43:40have those conversations with god and i
43:41prayed and we talked about everything
43:44that had happened in the last 15 years
43:45of my life or 10 years of my life
43:48and about that time a bailiff comes the
43:51door opens and i'm kind of looking out
43:52like was that supposed to happen what's
43:54going on
43:55and a bailiff comes down and she says
43:57all right you
43:58and you uh you get to go make a phone
44:00call and take a shower if you want
44:02well you know i've seen a lot of prison
44:04movies and i wasn't really interested in
44:06the shower
44:07so i was like i'm going to go try the
44:08phone call um
44:10you know sorry if that's a bad taste but
44:12it's just the truth
44:14so i walk over to this device they call
44:16a phone
44:17and it's a box on the wall with no
44:19headset and so here i am thinking they
44:21said you got 30
44:22minutes to do whatever it is you can do
44:23both or whatever you can get in this
44:24time limit
44:25so i go up this box and it's right
44:26beside a cell and there's this guy in
44:28there that's a mean looking dude that's
44:30sitting about three feet from this phone
44:32it's loud in there people are screaming
44:34and yelling you can't hear anything and
44:35all it is is these speaker holes no
44:37headset
44:38and numbers no one tells you how to dial
44:40out and so i'm sitting there frantically
44:42trying to tell
44:42trying to figure out how to do it
44:44putting my ear to the thing i can't hear
44:46anything
44:47in hopelessness right like this is my
44:49one opportunity
44:50to get in touch with somebody and get
44:52out of here and i can't hear a lick i
44:54can't i don't know if i'm what i'm doing
44:55is working
44:56i go to the bailiff we're not allowed to
44:57help you figure it out
44:59so i go back over there and i literally
45:01start to cry i'm like i'm not gonna i'm
45:02never getting out of here because i
45:03can't
45:04use this device all of a sudden this
45:07this thing comes out into my into my
45:09peripheral
45:10you know vision and i'm thinking oh my
45:12gosh what is that you know i'm in jail
45:13is that somebody trying to stop me or
45:15like
45:15what is it and it's this toilet paper
45:17roll empty toilet paper roll and it's
45:19this guy who i looked at
45:21is like this scary guy and he hands it
45:23to him he says hey man put this to your
45:25ear and put it to the speaker and you'll
45:26be able to hear
45:27wow and i look over and i'm like oh my
45:30gosh
45:31like thank you thank you so much and i
45:33dial out i call everybody i know matthew
45:35in my life
45:36everyone all these fraternity brothers
45:37brothers for life all the people i spent
45:39gosh knows how much money on in college
45:41nobody would answer nobody would answer
45:43nothing but answer machines
45:45i'm frantically dialing everybody my
45:46wife won't answer my dad won't answer my
45:49sister won't answer
45:50and it's the loneliest i've ever felt in
45:51my life well i call again to my dad's
45:54farm and my sister answers and she says
45:56john
45:57we know where you are angela's downtown
45:59she's across from the jail right now
46:01trying to bail you out and uh you if she
46:04gets it done you'll be out tonight
46:06but you you can't come home uh we're
46:08gonna have to dad or
46:10she said i'm gonna come get you from the
46:11jail we'll go by your house get closed
46:13and you're gonna have to stay down here
46:14until your court
46:15monday morning at that point i didn't
46:16care all i wanted to hear was like i
46:18want to get out of here like just get me
46:19out of this place
46:20so i get off the phone i go take a
46:22shower
46:23because they told me they were single
46:25cell stuff and it was cool so i went in
46:26there and took a shower
46:27i came out and i go back to my cell and
46:30i'm sitting there and i'm kind of
46:31concentrating on all right like
46:33i'm going to get out now what's next
46:35well here comes the bailiff again she
46:36says
46:36your mother-in-law you're she said you
46:38have a visitor here so i go out i go
46:40into this visitor's room it's just like
46:42you see on tv the glass the phones
46:44i sit down there's my wife and my
46:45mother-in-law they're both in tears i'm
46:48crying
46:49uh and i sit down i don't even know what
46:50to say right i'm just kind of like a
46:52child that's
46:52broken something in the house and you're
46:54standing in front of your parents with
46:55your
46:56your head down and uh and my wife just
46:59says look
47:00i'm so mad at you right now like i i'm
47:03i'm so hurt i'm mad
47:04i can't stand even to really look at you
47:06right now but i want you to know i'm not
47:08going to divorce you and it has nothing
47:10to do with you it has to do with the
47:12vows i made to god in the church
47:13wow and yeah and then my wife's a saint
47:17you'll hear some more of it in just a
47:18second but but she
47:20at that time i was just kind of like
47:22great you're not gonna divorce me that's
47:24all i heard in that comment right like i
47:26you're not gonna divorce me she gets up
47:28leaves my mother-in-law looks at me and
47:29says john we're gonna get you some help
47:31you know and you're everything's gonna
47:33be okay i hope
47:35so she leaves i go back to myself it's
47:36about five hours later about 9 30 at
47:38night
47:39they called me to get out they said
47:40you're going to be bailed out tonight
47:42they take me in the room i get my cell
47:43phone i look down i got 8 billion calls
47:46my work my boss has called like 15 times
47:48which told me
47:49great they found out and it turned out
47:51somebody saw a
47:52just busted magazine or something here
47:54in memphis with my picture in it and
47:56told people at work and everybody knew
47:58my customers and all of that
48:00so i'm getting out of jail i see that i
48:02walk outside
48:03and it's not my sister it's my father
48:06and you know my father like i said was
48:08this guy raised on a farm six brothers
48:10and sisters
48:10you know um just not a lot of it they
48:13were
48:14my dad would tell you they were almost
48:15farm hands in a way you know
48:17like there wasn't a lot i love using and
48:20i'm proud of using all that stuff so
48:22my dad was never a big hugger he never
48:24was any of those things he you know
48:25i don't think he told me he was proud of
48:27me until i was 18 years old and i
48:28basically forced it out of him
48:30i love my father he's a great man and he
48:31loved me it just was hard for him
48:33because he wasn't
48:34shown that in his own life um but here i
48:37come to this car and he's standing there
48:40and i'm like this little boy again right
48:42like oh gosh here's my father and what's
48:43the punishment going to be and how am i
48:45i'm so ashamed
48:47and here i am a six foot eight guy right
48:49i mean i i'm way bigger than my dad now
48:51and and way younger and
48:52but i'm still afraid right of what's
48:54gonna happen and uh
48:56and he looks at me and he says john are
48:57you all right and i said yes sir and i
48:59looked up
49:00and he was smiling and he said i love
49:01you i love you son
49:04and he grabbed me and he pulled me into
49:07his uh
49:07chest and he and he hugged me you know
49:10which i would have died for as a kid you
49:12know
49:12and uh that it was happening in this
49:14town looking back at it was almost like
49:16god the father saying like i don't care
49:18what you've done
49:18i just want you to come home you know
49:20and uh
49:22so we get in the car he takes me by my
49:24house i get my clothes i'm hoping my
49:26wife and kids are there
49:27but they're not my kids had not seen me
49:29in three or four days at this point
49:30um you know and i i i go in i get my
49:34clothes we go to my dad's farm it's
49:35about an hour and a half drive
49:37it's the realest conversation i've had
49:39in my life with him you know we start to
49:40talk about my mother and my mother's
49:41death and things that we hadn't talked
49:43about and
49:44you know i'll never forget he looked
49:45over and he said son is there something
49:47i did to cause this
49:49you know is he said was it was i'm not a
49:50good father did i did i
49:52was i too hard on you was i did i not
49:54love you enough and
49:55that was as crushing as is is going to
49:58jail and
49:58and the things that went on i mean just
50:00to think that my father thought it was
50:01this
50:02this was his thought his fault so
50:05it's almost like no dad you're you're
50:07you're you're a great dad right we all
50:08have our faults but you're a great dad
50:10this isn't your fault
50:11i'm a grown man i've made my own
50:12decisions you know this is not your
50:14fault
50:15and so we get down to the farm and i
50:17stay there through the weekend it's
50:18saturday morning
50:19i've got some relatives down there and
50:21they're all kind of going where's your
50:22family you know
50:23and and i just said look you know my
50:25wife's got that big italian family we're
50:26always up there every easter i just kind
50:28of said this year
50:29we're going to go down here i'm going to
50:31go down to my place and be with my
50:32family
50:33i didn't want to lie anymore i promised
50:34god that she'll sell i wouldn't but i
50:36didn't want to give my 80 year old aunt
50:38a heart attack either so i just kind of
50:41white lived that one and
50:43you know the next day was easter sunday
50:46like i went to jail and holy thursday
50:47came out on good friday
50:49and saturday um i'm sitting there and
50:52sunday's easter sunday
50:53so i wake up sunday morning for the
50:55first time in my life in 10 years i want
50:57to go to mass like
50:58my own volition want to go to mass and i
51:01look at my dad i say can i borrow your
51:02car i just want to go into town
51:04my dad lives in a town of 600 people
51:06there's a catholic room there's not a
51:08building
51:08there's a room in a building that's a
51:10catholic room they have a traveling
51:11priest that goes to five or six towns
51:13and usually he's not there it's a it's a
51:15sister
51:16that has communion services so angela
51:19and i had been there one time
51:20five years before on christmas and uh
51:23and so we're sitting
51:24i get in my dad's car i drive into town
51:26and i pull up at 11 when mass normally
51:28is and there's no one there
51:29and after i just start to beat the
51:31steering wheel i'm like come on god for
51:32real like
51:33all i want to do is go to mass i want to
51:35reconcile with you i want to
51:36i just want to be in your presence like
51:38i want to start this deal we've made
51:40off like right now and and i start to
51:42beat on the steering wheel and just
51:43get mad all sudden this jeep comes
51:45pulling in and this
51:46sister gets out of it and she's looking
51:48over and i'm sitting there beating the
51:49steering wheel and she's like what's the
51:51matter with you
51:52i just want to go to mass you know and
51:54she's probably like what's the matter
51:55with this guy
51:56man more people had that kind of
51:57excitement about math but
51:59you know she she uh she says well john
52:02there's she didn't say john but she said
52:03young man there's
52:04there's plenty of people uh down the
52:06road there's too many people here it's
52:08easter sunday
52:09we we're down at the 4-h club the
52:10agricultural building in the town over
52:12do you know where that is i said yeah
52:14yeah i know exactly where that is we had
52:15some family reunions there
52:17so i get in the car i rip down there i
52:19go in and there's all these people and
52:21immediately it sets in on me that like
52:23my family's not here and there's all
52:24these families and it's just hard
52:26i go in i sit down and this priest walks
52:28up you know he processes in and i'm like
52:30that's the same priest that uh was at
52:32that christmas mass
52:33you know five years ago so i sit down he
52:36does this beautifully
52:37beautiful homily there was a lot of
52:38hispanic people there a lot of a lot of
52:40people down there
52:41of all different uh races but he did the
52:43homily
52:44in um in english and spanish and it was
52:47beautiful like just
52:48every part of the mass was beautiful and
52:50so i get up and i've just got this
52:51conviction now like i don't care what it
52:53takes i'm going to turn my life around
52:54i'm going to go be the man i'm supposed
52:56to be
52:57and i get up to leave they're having a
52:58potluck i don't want to stay around all
53:00the families it's just too hard so i'm
53:01heading for the door
53:03i get to the door put my hand on it and
53:04i start to open it and uh
53:06this priest just all of a sudden his
53:08hand hits my shoulder and i turn around
53:09and says priest
53:10and he says hello john and it just
53:12caught me off guard i was like how did
53:14how do you know my name he remembered me
53:16from one meeting me one time five years
53:18before
53:19and he says i don't know why you're here
53:20by yourself or where your family is
53:22but god wants me to tell you that
53:23everything's gonna be all right
53:26and matthew i got to tell you like it
53:28just
53:30it rocked me like how could you know how
53:32could you i said father you don't know
53:34when he goes john have a mary uh he said
53:36have a happy easter and tell your family
53:37i said hello and he just walks off
53:40and i get in my dad's car and i'm just
53:42on fire i'm like that's it like i'm i am
53:44never going to screw up my life again
53:46i'm going to win my family back i'm
53:47going to be the man that god calls me to
53:49be
53:49i go back to my dad's um that night i
53:52realized i had court the next day and we
53:54didn't get
53:54a suit you know so my dad and i drive
53:57back to memphis i call my wife
53:59and uh she says yeah you can come by the
54:00house i'm not i'm gonna be in a room
54:02with a door shut
54:03you can come in that your daughters are
54:05asking if you're alive
54:06they haven't seen you and they my
54:08three-year-old daughter said is daddy
54:09alive
54:10so i go in the back i get to my house we
54:13had a dent on the back of the house
54:14where we all congregated and had our
54:15family time
54:16uh together and so i go to that door and
54:18i'm looking in and i see them on the
54:20floor watching
54:20barney or something and they're all just
54:24like the beauty of that moment you know
54:26and how many times i'd walk through that
54:27den or blown that off or
54:29and it just i was like i will never do
54:31that again like to just be in the floor
54:32with them right now
54:33i open the door they tackle me i mean
54:35i'm crying they're crying it's just this
54:38moment of
54:38of of you know being home
54:42but then i gotta leave right again right
54:43like i gotta leave right again because
54:45my wife's like you gotta go
54:46so i get my suit i get back in the car i
54:49go back to my dad's the next morning we
54:51come back to memphis
54:52um i have court first thing in the
54:54morning my father-in-law
54:56uh had procured me a lawyer um somebody
54:59he went to church with at
55:01his catholic church in germantown uh we
55:03go down there he tells me what's going
55:05to go on i go on the court
55:06i pled guilty and they had a judge here
55:08that had started a drug court and you
55:10can go on a thing called diversion
55:12where you basically pay for drug testing
55:14every month it's sort of like having a
55:15parole officer
55:16if you pass every month in a year's time
55:18you can get it removed from your record
55:20instead of sending just repeat offenders
55:22all the time back to jail
55:24trying to actually help them so um i
55:27signed up for that
55:28and then right after that my dad i said
55:30you got to take me to work i have a work
55:31meeting
55:32that my bosses told me when they found
55:33out you know that i had to come meet
55:35with them
55:35so i go in and they've got all these
55:37people all these hr people in from
55:38headquarters there's like 20
55:40bosses in different ways of of me at my
55:42work sitting there and and
55:44at this time matthew i'd made my mind up
55:46that i was going to check myself in a
55:48behavioral science center um the court
55:50didn't mandate it but i wanted to prove
55:52to my wife that i was serious about
55:54about being rid of this stuff so i go in
55:56this meeting which in my eyes is sort of
55:58in my way
55:59you know like keeping me from that and
56:01they're all peppered me with questions
56:03like did you do it at work did you you
56:04know
56:05have you ever done it in a customer's
56:06place and just one after another i'm
56:08going no
56:08no yes no yes no yes no and they say are
56:12you
56:12do you don't want your job do you not
56:14care about your job and i just looked at
56:15him i said look
56:16i've been here 23 years i've never been
56:17in trouble i've never been written up
56:19i'm a good employee i messed up but the
56:22most important thing to me right now in
56:23my life is getting my family back
56:25and i want to get to that i'm about to
56:27go check myself into a rehab center
56:28and i really want to get to that and so
56:31they said all right well we're going to
56:32deliberate and then you know
56:34you're off work until after the court
56:35date in a month you can't tell your
56:37customers you can't call anybody
56:39no contact with anybody said okay
56:41whatever let me just get in the car
56:43and my dad drove me down to the
56:45behavioral science center
56:47and we walk in there and matthew i've
56:49never seen anything like that in my life
56:50um you know this place i went to i
56:52actually grew up watching like the three
56:54stooges on tv and
56:55this commercial would come on for this
56:57place and i think man i hope i never
56:58have to go there
56:59here i was in this place and uh and my
57:03dad
57:03starts to go in and i'm seeing the
57:05people that are being brought in and i
57:06just bagged them i'm like dad please
57:08please don't go in here please don't go
57:09in here i can handle this just stay in
57:11the car
57:12and then depending on if they tell me i
57:14got to check in here or i'm an
57:15outpatient or whatever
57:17they'll let you know i'll let you know
57:18whatever so he decided to stay in the
57:20outer waiting room
57:21well they took me to a second waiting
57:23room and i sit down in there and i'm
57:25right beside this door that's coming in
57:28and where people are be you know being
57:29brought in it's over my right shoulder
57:32and one after the next or worse than the
57:33first matthew it's just
57:35family members that have their son or
57:37their brother or their daughter by their
57:39you know the color of their shirt and
57:40their shorts and just throwing them in
57:42the floor and saying take them i'm done
57:43like i'm done he's a heroin addict he's
57:45a meth head he's a i mean guys are
57:47sitting there scraping their skin
57:49because they think they've got bugs and
57:51insects on them and
57:52and their families just saying that this
57:53is the 12th time i'm done he's yours
57:55take them and so i'm sitting there
57:57watching this and i can't take it
57:59anymore i grab a paper and
58:00there's a newspaper beside me and i just
58:02pull it up to cover my eyes
58:04one after another people keep coming in
58:06same story then also the door opens one
58:09time and nobody walks by
58:10the paper doesn't billow or move and i
58:13close it
58:14and it's my wife i look up it's my wife
58:16now we did not talk since
58:18i saw her in front of that glass in the
58:20jail cell um
58:22when she came to visit me i look up and
58:24say angela what are you doing here
58:26like what what are you doing here and
58:28she said john
58:29i'm mad as hell at you but i can't let
58:31you go through this alone
58:35sorry um and that's what
58:38that's when god showed me what true love
58:40really looks like like what love
58:41looks like you know suffering joy all of
58:44it like
58:45love remains the love remains the same
58:47and my wife showed up and i was so
58:50awed of that i was so humbled of that
58:52and by that and
58:54and we sit down and she just says look i
58:57i don't know what's going to happen i
58:58don't know what's going to happen with
58:59us i don't know how long it's going to
59:00take me to get over this
59:01but i want to make sure you get the help
59:03you're supposed to and so they called us
59:04back
59:05this lady assesses me um you know
59:08and and she says look i think you need
59:1030 day outpatient now my wife wanted her
59:12to put me like in some hidden room below
59:13the building
59:14and keep me there for eight months or
59:16whatever until this was you know
59:18uh exercised or whatever but the lady
59:21said ma'am i'm a professional and this
59:22is what i think he needs so
59:24uh i'm walking out to the car expecting
59:27to go home with my dad for
59:28however many days i'm gonna go to uh
59:31inpatient therapy you know starting at
59:3210 o'clock every day for the next 30
59:34days
59:35uh and i'm sitting there wondering as
59:37i'm walking to the car like man my dad
59:38lives two hours away and now he's gonna
59:40have to drive four hours every day
59:42or at least stay up here kill time all
59:44day to take me back and forth
59:46um maybe i should look at getting a
59:48hotel room or whatever well my wife
59:49walks up
59:50and she says john your dad's not gonna
59:52i'm not gonna make your dad do that
59:54you can come home tonight um the kids
59:56miss you they need to be they need you
59:58i need you to take them to to school i
1:00:00can't do all this by myself
1:00:03this doesn't make things okay i'm not
1:00:05happy with you i'm hurt
1:00:06i'm not going to sleep in the same bed
1:00:08with you but you're allowed to come home
1:00:09and all i heard matthew was you're
1:00:11allowed to come home
1:00:12yeah right like that's all i heard and i
1:00:14was like oh my gosh thank you thank you
1:00:15so i get in the car with my wife and and
1:00:18you know we have a little conversation
1:00:20we get home
1:00:21my kids just tackle me again and i'm
1:00:23like daddy's here they had told him i
1:00:25was sick
1:00:26you know and i said i'm here i'm better
1:00:27i'm home i'm going to be better
1:00:29and we have this reunion that night and
1:00:31then it gets time to you know to go to
1:00:33bed
1:00:33and and i go back to my room it's my bad
1:00:36it's air conditioning it's tvs it's
1:00:38you know food that's not cornbread and
1:00:40slop you know and
1:00:41and so i have this excitement of man i'm
1:00:44free again
1:00:45but i look over in this bed that i'm
1:00:47laying in and my wife's not there
1:00:49it's this empty spot next to me and i
1:00:51look across the hallway and at the time
1:00:53jacob's bed was directly across from
1:00:55mine i could see his bed
1:00:57and my wife was in there sleeping with
1:00:58him and i could see her
1:01:00figure she doesn't like when i say lump
1:01:02but so her figure uh
1:01:03under in the bed on the other side of
1:01:05the of the hallway
1:01:07and all of a sudden all that joy kind of
1:01:08went off my face you know just
1:01:10disappeared the smile and everything and
1:01:11i thought
1:01:12i i can't just stop doing drugs i can't
1:01:15just stop drinking
1:01:16and and and doing the other things i was
1:01:18doing i've got to be different i've got
1:01:20to be better i can't this can't stay
1:01:22this way
1:01:23and so i i frantically started looking
1:01:25for a bible and i started looking on my
1:01:27side of the room which was a mistake
1:01:29i should have been looking on her side
1:01:30because she probably had 20 in her
1:01:32bedside table
1:01:33but because she's a devout devout
1:01:34catholic as you can tell about what i've
1:01:36said but
1:01:37i open the door to my bedside table and
1:01:39i find um
1:01:40this book right here father larry's be a
1:01:42man uh he actually signed it for me in
1:01:44here too but
1:01:46um like five years before my
1:01:48father-in-law had brow beat me into
1:01:50going to a men's conference before
1:01:52all that happened in my life and i went
1:01:54and this guy got up followed larry and
1:01:56i'm thinking this is going to be
1:01:57horrible and that it
1:01:58and he hit me right between the eyes and
1:02:00i thought i was going to change my life
1:02:01at that time
1:02:02he gave me this book when i met him and
1:02:04he said read this and be a better man
1:02:06well when i opened the book that night
1:02:08when i came home
1:02:10i found the first three or four pages
1:02:12underlined and that's where i'd stopped
1:02:14so that night i picked that book up and
1:02:16i read it cover to cover
1:02:17my wife got out of bed and came out of
1:02:19jacob's room the next morning it was
1:02:20like 5 45 or 6.
1:02:22and she said what are you doing up and i
1:02:23said angela i never went to bed
1:02:25i just finished this book and i'm going
1:02:28to change my life i'm going to be a man
1:02:29i'm going to be the man that you deserve
1:02:31and the kids and
1:02:32you know she wasn't in a frame of mind
1:02:33to receive that you know i'd hurt her
1:02:35tremendously but i made up my mind right
1:02:38then and there i'm gonna change my life
1:02:39and so i started picking up the
1:02:42scriptures again
1:02:42and all of a sudden matthew like my
1:02:44baptist roots started coming out
1:02:46when i was reading the bible i started
1:02:47going you know i know that passage
1:02:49i know this like this is familiar and i
1:02:51could finish the words before i ever
1:02:53read the verse that i finished the verse
1:02:55i read the bible four times
1:02:56by the time i was 15 years old in the
1:02:58baptist church and so
1:03:00i start to get involved in my kid's
1:03:01school i start to coach their sports i
1:03:03start to get involved in the men's club
1:03:05and
1:03:05fundraising arm of the church and i make
1:03:08friends but i never tell anybody what
1:03:09happened in my life i just like i'm
1:03:11afraid to what are they going to do i'm
1:03:12going to lose everything
1:03:13my kids are going to be kicked out of
1:03:15school all these thoughts that were in
1:03:16my head
1:03:17angel would ask me all the time these
1:03:18guys are running around with do they
1:03:19know nope not gonna know i'm not gonna
1:03:21tell them
1:03:22so a month had gone by since i got out
1:03:25and i'm reading the bible and doing all
1:03:26these things
1:03:27i'm driving my father-in-law suburb to
1:03:29these outpatient meetings
1:03:31or out yeah outpatient meetings and uh
1:03:34and
1:03:34dropping my kids off at school well it's
1:03:36getting close to when i've got to go
1:03:38back to court
1:03:39and so a lot of customers have found out
1:03:41at this time and they're starting to
1:03:42text me and they're starting to say
1:03:44you know hey i'm hearing things you
1:03:46better answer me you better call me back
1:03:47you piece of this
1:03:50and i'm sitting there i just dropped my
1:03:51kids off at school it's about 8 05 in
1:03:53the morning in my father-in-law suburban
1:03:54and i've
1:03:55i'm just going my life's never gonna be
1:03:57right again like i've never
1:03:59all these people are going to know what
1:04:00am i going to do when i have to go back
1:04:02how am i going to face this
1:04:03these people i've worked with for 20
1:04:05years that never knew who i truly was
1:04:07all of that was weighing on me and and i
1:04:10just was crying i began to cry and just
1:04:12sit there and go god what am i going to
1:04:13do in my life
1:04:14how am i nothing's ever going to be
1:04:15better and also i see the pastor of my
1:04:18church walk from his rectory over to the
1:04:20over the church all i wanted to do was
1:04:22hide from the world
1:04:23you know i was like i don't want to deal
1:04:25with this right now i can't tell anybody
1:04:27anything
1:04:27if i do i have to lie and i don't want
1:04:29to do that so
1:04:31i knew no one would ever look for me in
1:04:33daily mass you know i knew where he was
1:04:35going he was going to mass
1:04:36so i get out of the car i walk around i
1:04:38go in the side of the church and matthew
1:04:40when i grab the handle that door that
1:04:41church
1:04:42you talk about feeling like a hypocrite
1:04:44right everything i'd ever said to god
1:04:45came rushing back
1:04:47you know what are you doing going in
1:04:48there you hypocrite god doesn't like you
1:04:50any more than you ever liked him
1:04:52that kind of stuff and and i opened the
1:04:55door anyway i go in the church i sit on
1:04:57the on the joseph side of the church
1:04:59there's all these people there you know
1:05:01there's like 10 15 people there that are
1:05:02older
1:05:03you know probably in their 70s 80s
1:05:05retired people and here comes this six
1:05:07foot eight 37 year old guy and they're
1:05:09all kind of looking like who's he and
1:05:10why is he here
1:05:11and i go knee on the joseph side and
1:05:14i'm just you know i never really paid
1:05:16attention in mass i don't know what i'm
1:05:18doing i'm scared to death
1:05:19that i'm not going to know the responses
1:05:20and everyone in here is going to know i
1:05:22don't know because
1:05:22you can hear a pin drop so i'm kneeling
1:05:25i'm praying to myself i get up and here
1:05:27they come processing in
1:05:29the and the pastor gets up and he reads
1:05:31the readings and the reading starts
1:05:32speaking to me i'm like man that is
1:05:34weird
1:05:34they're talking indirectly how i feel in
1:05:36my life and exactly where i am
1:05:38then he gives a homily and he's like
1:05:40looking at me the whole time and the
1:05:41only relationship being this guy have
1:05:43is that he baptized my my kids and he
1:05:45came over my house for an hour one time
1:05:47like that's the extent of our friendship
1:05:49and so he starts to
1:05:51to give this homily and matthew
1:05:54it spoke right into my heart like i just
1:05:56i was in tears
1:05:57i started crying in the readings i was
1:05:59bawling during the homily
1:06:00then he moves into um into the liturgy
1:06:03of the eucharist
1:06:04and and he starts to do all of that and
1:06:07i'm just sitting there balling like
1:06:08openly disturbing the church and not
1:06:11able to control myself
1:06:12and i'm too afraid to move to get up to
1:06:15to leave
1:06:16so he gets through with the consecration
1:06:17he comes down and it's time for
1:06:19communion i'm the first
1:06:20on the on the joseph's side and he looks
1:06:22at me and i'm looking up at him
1:06:24and he waves me forward and i said no
1:06:26like i just nodded my head and he looked
1:06:28at me again and he said come
1:06:30and i got up and i walked up there and i
1:06:33put my hands i remember just shaking you
1:06:34know and feeling so unworthy and so
1:06:38and he put he put the the host in my
1:06:40hand
1:06:42and and i took it and something just
1:06:45came over me i just felt this warmth all
1:06:47over my body
1:06:48i felt like there was just this gigantic
1:06:51hug
1:06:52i was receiving from somewhere and i
1:06:54start to turn to walk back to the pew
1:06:56and he says
1:06:57don't he said something to me along the
1:06:59lines of the blood the blood you know
1:07:01and so i'll walk over and i receive that
1:07:04same thing again i go back to the pew
1:07:06and i'm just overwhelmed like i kneel
1:07:08and i am just fought i mean just bawling
1:07:11you know ugly crying it's not just just
1:07:13stuff happening everywhere
1:07:15and i don't even realize that mass is
1:07:18over
1:07:19like i never stop praying i never get up
1:07:21i'm sitting there sobbing
1:07:22and praying half out loud and half quiet
1:07:26and
1:07:27and next thing you know i look up and
1:07:29there's i feel a hand on my shoulder and
1:07:30it's
1:07:31it's just it's another priest it's his
1:07:33pastor and he
1:07:34and he he touches my shoulder i look up
1:07:36at him and i said yeah and he goes
1:07:38john what are you doing here which was a
1:07:40valid question right i was not a guy you
1:07:42would find in a daily mass
1:07:44and i couldn't speak and he said come
1:07:45with me and he took me back towards the
1:07:47confessional and when i realized that
1:07:49i was like man i don't know if i want to
1:07:51go in there last time i went one of
1:07:52those i went to jail like i'm not sure
1:07:54that this is the way
1:07:55i want to go so i walk in there with him
1:07:58i tell him everything
1:07:59and i start to get up and the great
1:08:01thing about this he's now one of my best
1:08:02friends in my life his name is father
1:08:04martel he's at my house every weekend
1:08:06he change he he was the light i needed
1:08:08in my life he was the spiritual director
1:08:10and the spiritual father i needed
1:08:12at the time i didn't know that he was
1:08:13just taking me through confession
1:08:15and every time i would try to beat
1:08:17myself because nope we're done with that
1:08:18we're done with that we're not talking
1:08:19about that anymore god's gonna forgive
1:08:20that in a minute
1:08:21you know we're gonna forgive that so we
1:08:23get through the confession he gives me
1:08:25absolution i said thank you father i
1:08:26start to leave and he drives me by the
1:08:27army is that where are you going
1:08:29i said well this is usually the part
1:08:30where you're supposed to leave right
1:08:31i've only done this twice or three times
1:08:33now but
1:08:34as i understand it i'm supposed to go
1:08:36now and he says sit down we're not
1:08:38done and i said okay and i sat down and
1:08:41he said all right john so as i
1:08:43understand it you're going to this
1:08:44uh outpatient thing that doesn't start
1:08:46till 10. you got to drop your kids off
1:08:48at 8 every morning
1:08:49we just happen to have 8 15 mass every
1:08:51day so you're going to start coming to
1:08:52815 mass every day
1:08:54and did you notice how i didn't have
1:08:55anybody reading the the readings today
1:08:57yep
1:08:58well i don't have anybody reading the
1:08:59readings hardly any day so
1:09:01that's called lecturing and you're about
1:09:02to find out how to do that as soon as we
1:09:04walk out of here
1:09:05and you're going to start doing that
1:09:06tomorrow and he said and by the way
1:09:08the last thing is you're going to come
1:09:10to confession i don't care what day you
1:09:12do it
1:09:12but you're going to come to confession
1:09:13to me once a week if you don't come to
1:09:15me i'm going to come to you
1:09:16and he said and then we'll look we'll
1:09:18check the frequency on it as we get
1:09:20further along and i just said okay
1:09:23you know i did what were you gonna say
1:09:25and so i started doing that in my life
1:09:27every day and matthew
1:09:29daily mass changed my life like
1:09:30receiving the eucharist every day
1:09:32receiving that strength from christ
1:09:34having that spiritual guidance i started
1:09:36to go home in matthew every night
1:09:38i would play with the kids i would do
1:09:39the things i was supposed to do i would
1:09:40work on reconciling with my wife
1:09:42my wife was very hurt there was a lot of
1:09:44times where i was hurt by things she
1:09:46said to me
1:09:47you'll never change the you know waiting
1:09:49for the other shoe to drop
1:09:50and i had to come at some point to the
1:09:52realization that
1:09:53i put her in that situation i i showed
1:09:56her that
1:09:57i showed myself to be that to her and so
1:10:00it was going to take a lot of time to
1:10:01show her something different so i
1:10:02couldn't be angry at her
1:10:03so i put my focus on there's one opinion
1:10:05in my life that matters right now
1:10:07and the only one that i can really deal
1:10:08with is god's
1:10:10so i would be the best father i could to
1:10:12my kids and the best husband
1:10:14that she would allow me to be to her and
1:10:16then i would come back to my room at 8
1:10:17o'clock every night or 7 30 or 8 and i
1:10:20would pray so my children would find me
1:10:21praying
1:10:22and i would get a bible out in the
1:10:23catechism and a crucifix
1:10:25this very one right here and i would sit
1:10:28in the floor and i would just pray and
1:10:30i'd say lord make me a better man i
1:10:31don't know what i'm doing i don't know
1:10:32where i'm going but
1:10:33show me something and let me learn from
1:10:35it and so this goes on for about a year
1:10:38making all these friends like i said
1:10:39before and doing all these things
1:10:41well that same men's conference rolls
1:10:43around a year later and uh
1:10:45and this time i'm ready for it right
1:10:46like the first time ever i'm ready to go
1:10:48to this thing i'm ready to receive i'm
1:10:49ready to take part
1:10:51we head in father mike smith is speaking
1:10:53and then there's a witness speaker
1:10:54that's a focus missionary
1:10:56and he gets up and he begins to speak
1:10:57about how he was on drugs he was
1:11:00uh had duis in his life and it just the
1:11:03courage this young man showed to get him
1:11:04from a thousand men and share this just
1:11:06blew me away
1:11:07i found him after his talk i told him
1:11:09that father mike smith sure did
1:11:10something awesome because he's amazing
1:11:12but it was that kid's talk that i was
1:11:14focused on
1:11:15and uh we're friends to this day still
1:11:18uh
1:11:18but we uh i talked to him and then that
1:11:20night there was a fundraiser in our
1:11:22parish it was a three-point shootout
1:11:24and that same pastor you know said you
1:11:25got to come to this you were a
1:11:26basketball player come and support it
1:11:28so i did i brought my son up there well
1:11:30it turned out there were some other men
1:11:31from my parents that went to that
1:11:32conference that day
1:11:33and one of them in particular was
1:11:35running around me and the holy spirit
1:11:37had bid him that day
1:11:38he had been to confession for the first
1:11:39time in 20 years and he was running
1:11:41around telling everybody
1:11:42everything he confessed like some things
1:11:44i was like hey man
1:11:46you know like you need to call there's
1:11:48women and children in here you need to
1:11:49quiet down
1:11:51and he comes up he's like john i don't
1:11:52know what's going on i don't know what's
1:11:54going on why am i feeling this way
1:11:56so jay you you've had an experience with
1:11:58the holy spirit man and he said i don't
1:11:59know i'm a cradle catholic
1:12:01i know about god i know about jesus but
1:12:02i don't know anything about the holy
1:12:03spirit
1:12:04so he starts to ask me and i start to
1:12:06tell him and then all of a sudden all
1:12:07that guilt right comes over me
1:12:09and i say you know what jay i have no
1:12:12business telling you this there's a
1:12:13priest over there
1:12:14go see him no no no man you were
1:12:15explaining it like i was getting which i
1:12:17was following what you were saying
1:12:18j i'm not your guy i can't do this all
1:12:20right but why like you can help me
1:12:22i'm not your guy like seriously i'm not
1:12:25i'm not doing this like i don't know i
1:12:26don't deserve to do this
1:12:28and he said please just let me take you
1:12:30to dinner one night this week and if
1:12:31it's just if it's the people around that
1:12:33you're worried about
1:12:33let just you and me go to dinner so he
1:12:36brow beat me into going and i was like
1:12:37yeah i'll meet you tuesday
1:12:39we go to a pizza place uh that tuesday
1:12:42night but that sunday after it
1:12:44that next day i'm sitting there going
1:12:45what have i got myself into what am i
1:12:46going to say to this guy
1:12:47who am i to talk to anybody about christ
1:12:49or anything and so i started
1:12:51my bible before i know it i got a legal
1:12:53pad three pages deep
1:12:54with everything on the holy spirit from
1:12:56the from the breath over the earth in
1:12:58genesis
1:12:59to to pentecost and beyond and when i go
1:13:02meet him tuesday night
1:13:03we sit down i look like a lawyer i got
1:13:04books everywhere i got legal pads
1:13:06everywhere
1:13:07you know i got a beer sitting there i'm
1:13:08like let's go you know for him
1:13:10and so he sits down and we start talking
1:13:13and i
1:13:14and i share all this stuff with him and
1:13:15he goes man this is amazing why aren't
1:13:17you leaving a
1:13:18leading a bible study why aren't you
1:13:19leading the men's group but i go dude
1:13:21out of the question like i just can't do
1:13:22that why why
1:13:24you're good at this you know what you
1:13:26just did for me so many men would enjoy
1:13:28and i said
1:13:29jay not your guy can't do it again again
1:13:32again he keeps asking and finally i said
1:13:34jay i can't
1:13:35i just can't if i do this then there's
1:13:38things people are gonna find out about
1:13:39me
1:13:40he said what could be that bad and i
1:13:42said you know what the hell with it you
1:13:44know
1:13:44blah and i told him everything i just
1:13:46told you and i expected him to get up
1:13:48you know knock the books off the table
1:13:50and go geez i can't believe you
1:13:52and he just looked at me that's amazing
1:13:54you should start a men's group
1:13:56and i went did you not just hear what i
1:13:58said like i did a lot of cocaine i was a
1:14:01terrible husband and father i was
1:14:03addicted to porn like what
1:14:04like what in that there's there's no
1:14:06resume things in there that say this guy
1:14:08is the guy we're looking for for a men's
1:14:10leader
1:14:10you know and he says john like seriously
1:14:13we know a lot of guys
1:14:14will call them together you do what you
1:14:16just did and we'll see what the lord
1:14:18does and i was like man you're nuts like
1:14:20this affects my wife and my kids and
1:14:21everybody else
1:14:22but he convinced me that we invited all
1:14:24these guys in our parish we had about 30
1:14:26guys
1:14:27and uh the night came it was a week
1:14:29later it was a wednesday night
1:14:31it was dark his time of year was dark
1:14:32outside uh really early
1:14:34i think the meeting started at like 5
1:14:3630. and jay was going to bring beers so
1:14:38it kept them in at least there long
1:14:40enough to listen
1:14:41and then uh and then i was gonna get up
1:14:43and do my thing
1:14:44so we walk up i go up to the family room
1:14:47and i walk up there's no j there's no
1:14:50beer and there's all these guys that
1:14:51look very disgruntled that they're
1:14:52sitting around this table and have no
1:14:53idea why they're there
1:14:54we didn't tell them so i reached for the
1:14:57door
1:14:58and matthew again like this voice comes
1:15:01over me
1:15:01and it was a devil man it was the devil
1:15:03he was saying
1:15:05if you open the store you're gonna lose
1:15:06everything if you open the store you're
1:15:08gonna expose who you really are
1:15:10you're gonna lose your friends the guys
1:15:11you've made in your life everything's
1:15:13gonna change
1:15:14it's comfortable in here stay where you
1:15:16are out there you're gonna have to be
1:15:17different
1:15:18you're what think about it your kids
1:15:20might get kicked out of the school you
1:15:21might be kicked out of this parish
1:15:23think about the embarrassment it's gonna
1:15:24it's gonna have for your wife how
1:15:26embarrassed she's gonna be for people to
1:15:27know that she stayed with somebody like
1:15:29you
1:15:29you know all of that just poured on me i
1:15:32let go of the door i turned around to
1:15:33leave
1:15:34and i got about three steps and it was
1:15:36like uh ezekiel right god in the whisper
1:15:39not the earthquake or the storm i just
1:15:41heard this quiet voice and said john
1:15:43you promised me you were going to be
1:15:44different you promised me you were going
1:15:46to be what i needed you to be
1:15:48so i turn around i open the door and i
1:15:50walk in there and all these guys like
1:15:51what are we doing here man like nobody's
1:15:53told us and
1:15:54why are we here on a wednesday night jay
1:15:57shows up like two minutes before the
1:15:58bell
1:15:59you know and comes in and throws down
1:16:01the beer and sits down and i said guys
1:16:03here's the thing we got a great men's
1:16:04club here
1:16:05we we raise money for the kids jerseys
1:16:07we do all of that but the only time we
1:16:09ever talk about god
1:16:10is when the priest is there and prays
1:16:12before the meals and that's it
1:16:14and most of the time the priest doesn't
1:16:15make it let me tell you the danger of
1:16:17that in your life
1:16:18and i just went blah and i told all
1:16:20those men that half of them i never met
1:16:22in my life some of them i was friends
1:16:23with
1:16:24everything i just told you i was crying
1:16:26sobbing balling
1:16:28and i said at the end i go look i know
1:16:30you didn't know why you're here
1:16:32there's a lot of bewildered looks on
1:16:34your faces right now if you want to go
1:16:36and there's no hard feelings i get it
1:16:37but if you want to stay i think we need
1:16:38to start something for men some
1:16:40spiritual thing here for men
1:16:41don't know what i'm doing but i think we
1:16:43need to do it we need to find some help
1:16:44and start something
1:16:45and i sat down well a sudden jay the guy
1:16:48that invited me stood up next to me and
1:16:50i thought you son of a gun you're going
1:16:51to leave you're the one that's going to
1:16:52leave you got me into this mess
1:16:54and he looks down at me he looks down at
1:16:57me and he goes or he looks down at
1:16:59everybody
1:16:59and i look when i looked up and he's
1:17:00crying he was sobbing
1:17:02and he said you know what i'm a terrible
1:17:05husband i'm a terrible father i care
1:17:07more about money in my job and my work
1:17:08than i do about my kids my wife
1:17:10because of the way that i spend my time
1:17:12and he sat down
1:17:13and the next guy stood up and he said
1:17:15i'm addicted to porn the next guy stood
1:17:17up and he said i'm an alcoholic
1:17:19i'm drunk i ubered here i've been in a
1:17:21hotel for 24 hours drinking a case of
1:17:23beer because my wife and i fight
1:17:25she stays at home i escape my work
1:17:27thinks i'm sick
1:17:28she thinks i'm at work and uh the next
1:17:31guy
1:17:31i'm smoking pot all the time my wife's
1:17:33gonna leave me if i don't quit
1:17:34another guy i'm getting a divorce and
1:17:36none of you who are my friends even know
1:17:37it
1:17:38all the way around this room every man
1:17:40stood up and shared something
1:17:41and matthew that was the night that god
1:17:43showed me the power of vulnerability in
1:17:44my life
1:17:45right like one man standing up and
1:17:48pouring his sins
1:17:49and his his just his his transgressions
1:17:52and his mistakes and his failures out
1:17:54had the opposite reaction of what the
1:17:56world tell you it would right the world
1:17:58would tell you
1:17:59that becoming vulnerable is weak and
1:18:00it's less masculine and you're
1:18:02susceptible to attack and all those
1:18:04things
1:18:05but saint paul tells us as you know well
1:18:07that my power is made perfect in
1:18:09weakness that's what god tells saint
1:18:10paul
1:18:10and say paul says that let me boast only
1:18:13my weaknesses my hardships my
1:18:15difficulties
1:18:16because when i'm weak i'm strong i
1:18:18figured out what that phrase
1:18:19meant in my life and it was so freeing
1:18:21matthew it was like
1:18:23all the times i reached for that door in
1:18:24my life remembering all those nights on
1:18:26the couch where i sat there weeping
1:18:27because i knew that i was
1:18:28i was killing myself i knew i was
1:18:30wasting my life i knew i was a terrible
1:18:32husband and father
1:18:33and i wanted out of that cell but every
1:18:34time i tried to open that door
1:18:36the devil just pushed me right back he
1:18:38came up and he pushed all those points
1:18:40people are going to find out about your
1:18:41porn problem people are going to find
1:18:42out about your drug problem
1:18:43people are going to think about how much
1:18:44you drink every night we're going to
1:18:46find out about how you talk to your wife
1:18:47and i would let go of that door handle
1:18:49and he does the same thing to every one
1:18:51of us in our lives
1:18:52each and every one of us with our sins
1:18:54and are things that we're shoving down
1:18:55in our heart
1:18:57and that night when i opened that door
1:18:59the devil had convinced me that all that
1:19:01waited for me on the other side was pain
1:19:03and torment and loss
1:19:04and all of this stuff and torture but
1:19:07what happened what i figured out was all
1:19:08of that
1:19:09was waited for me if i stayed inside
1:19:11that cell
1:19:12when i walked out that door there was
1:19:14nothing but the peace the hope the love
1:19:16and the mercy of jesus christ
1:19:18and that night this men's group was
1:19:20formed matthew we met last night
1:19:22it's five years now every wednesday
1:19:24night except for thanksgiving and
1:19:25christmas
1:19:26we've had eight men become or 13 men
1:19:28become catholic now
1:19:29they weren't even catholic protestants
1:19:31walking off the street going some
1:19:32catholic guy i worked with said
1:19:34you can be real and authentic here and
1:19:36men just started becoming catholic
1:19:38men started becoming the husbands and
1:19:39fathers they they you know that god made
1:19:42them to be
1:19:43i started i went to cursillo a bunch of
1:19:45us we had 10 guys from our group go to
1:19:46garcia it was the largest like
1:19:48number from a church here in memphis i
1:19:50think that they'd ever had
1:19:51these men started to transform we
1:19:53started to walk as brothers
1:19:55and uh and our parish started to change
1:19:57now my wife has started a women's group
1:20:00but so we we start to heal over through
1:20:02all this
1:20:03and i'm asked to be a witness speaker at
1:20:05men's morning spirituality the same
1:20:06conference that i've been to these
1:20:07these years and where these different
1:20:09events happen people found out about
1:20:11this group
1:20:12like what are you doing they heard my
1:20:14story and said you gotta speak
1:20:15so i get up in front of a thousand
1:20:16people never spoken like that in front
1:20:19of anybody i won an award at work one
1:20:20time i might have spoken in front of 200
1:20:22people and my knees were knocking so
1:20:23loud you could hear them
1:20:24in canada you know
1:20:27i'm sitting here on the stage and i get
1:20:30up there
1:20:31and and uh john sablan's following me
1:20:33you know he's the main guy and there's
1:20:35all these men
1:20:36and i got there and shared my story and
1:20:38matthew when i was done
1:20:40um i i knew for the first time in my
1:20:44life what i was supposed to do
1:20:45like like i told you i never knew in
1:20:47college i was never one of those people
1:20:48but i walked off that stage it wasn't
1:20:50the euphoria it wasn't the
1:20:52wow people appreciate me or any of that
1:20:54it was like
1:20:56this is what i'm supposed to do i'm
1:20:57supposed to share my story i'm supposed
1:20:58to share my life
1:20:59i'm supposed to help other men for some
1:21:01reason i'm good at this
1:21:03i don't know why the holy spirit works
1:21:04well through me in this it's a gift that
1:21:06i have
1:21:07and so chris cope was in the audience
1:21:10there that owns cardinal studios now
1:21:11cardinal the cardinal agency
1:21:13uh he was there promoting rise he knew i
1:21:16was a salesperson he said man would you
1:21:17come work for me
1:21:18started off part-time went to full-time
1:21:21started to travel the country speaking
1:21:23uh telling my story and then relating it
1:21:25to rise rise that had a big impact on my
1:21:26life and on my men's group
1:21:28and i did that until this past year uh
1:21:30until christmas
1:21:31um in the midst of that one of the
1:21:33deacons in memphis who has the show the
1:21:35catholic cafe on
1:21:36ewtn deacon jeff terzinski was a friend
1:21:39of mine and he was in my
1:21:40cursillo group and he kept hearing me
1:21:43talk about all these amazing things that
1:21:44were going on with men in our men's
1:21:45group
1:21:46and uh and one night he finally were
1:21:49walking out of this bowling alley where
1:21:50we had our cursillo group
1:21:52and this bar in the bowling alley we
1:21:53figured we'd meet people there that
1:21:55might need jesus so we started grouping
1:21:56there
1:21:57and uh we went outside and he stops me
1:22:00and he says you need an outlet
1:22:02i said what do you mean he goes you need
1:22:03an outlet like all this stuff you're
1:22:04doing
1:22:05these men are coming and the lord's
1:22:06working these just wonderful things to
1:22:08what you guys are doing
1:22:09you need an outlet i want to build you a
1:22:11podcast i said man jeff i don't
1:22:13know anything about that who wants to
1:22:14listen to me and he goes i'll build it
1:22:17for you don't have to do anything you
1:22:18know i'm school like i'll build it you
1:22:20just show up a dog
1:22:22and he said what would you call it and i
1:22:24said just a guy on the pew
1:22:26and he said where did that come from
1:22:28that was awful quick well matthew
1:22:30in those days when i was going to daily
1:22:32well i still go to daily mass but in the
1:22:33beginning
1:22:34when i was in there i would lecture so
1:22:35i'd sit right there in front of the ambo
1:22:37and my six foot eight self would stick
1:22:39out like a sore thumb
1:22:40in front of all these you know five foot
1:22:42nine elderly people or five foot four
1:22:44elderly people
1:22:45behind me and then after the masses i
1:22:47would hear the click clock of heels
1:22:48while i was up there praying
1:22:50and inevitably i could almost count like
1:22:51three two one and then it'd be a tap on
1:22:53my shoulder
1:22:54and an older lady or an older gentleman
1:22:56would say young man are you in the
1:22:58diaconate young man are you in the
1:22:59seminary
1:23:01and i'd say no i'm just a guy on the pew
1:23:03i'm just a guy in a pew
1:23:04so that's where that came from and we
1:23:06started the podcast two years ago
1:23:08while i was working for cardinal um this
1:23:10past christmas
1:23:11they went a different direction um i
1:23:14didn't know what i was gonna do
1:23:15so i get a phone call from them saying
1:23:17hey we're gonna have to do something
1:23:18different
1:23:19i'm going to be without a job you know
1:23:21at the end of christmas end of december
1:23:23a year ago in a week or so now this
1:23:25happened
1:23:26and and my kids were home with the flu
1:23:29all three of them my wife was home
1:23:31helping with that i get this phone call
1:23:33and i start tearing up
1:23:34my god i've given you everything i know
1:23:35to give you i left a 23-year job and
1:23:37401k and all that and
1:23:39now here i am with with what am i going
1:23:41to do i started crying i guess i'm a
1:23:43crier you know i just it hit me and
1:23:46and my wife comes through the room you
1:23:47know carrying like thermometers and all
1:23:49this stuff and she's like what's the
1:23:50matter with you are you sick too you
1:23:52know
1:23:53kind of but not because of that and she
1:23:55comes over and she kneels
1:23:57and she says what's going on i said i
1:23:58just lost my job like i told her i don't
1:24:00know what i'm going to do she goes john
1:24:01you've been talking
1:24:02about starting your own ministry you
1:24:03know your podcast has taken off you've
1:24:05been listening to around the world and
1:24:06stuff now
1:24:07different places like why don't you just
1:24:09do that why don't we start a non-profit
1:24:10and i looked at her i was like you're
1:24:11crazy like i don't know anything about
1:24:13that
1:24:14how am i going to do that because john
1:24:16maybe god's asking you to do that and
1:24:18maybe that's why he's freed your life up
1:24:19in this way
1:24:20my wife is a saint like i get to stand
1:24:22up and tell this story but she
1:24:24there's two heroes jesus and her i'm not
1:24:26one of them
1:24:27and and so we started a few ministries
1:24:29which houses just a guy on the pew it's
1:24:31a podcast
1:24:32um daily videos that we do i'm coming
1:24:34out with a with a uh
1:24:36a guide book for men that helps lead
1:24:38them through the scriptures and virtues
1:24:39and all those things next year
1:24:41um and then pew ministries is the
1:24:42non-profit that houses it and hopefully
1:24:44other ministries
1:24:46that all want to bring people into a
1:24:47relationship with jesus christ everyday
1:24:49catholics
1:24:50that feel like god has forgotten them or
1:24:52that they've done things in their life
1:24:54that
1:24:54that the father that god has turned away
1:24:56from them you know matthew and that's
1:24:58what we've been doing ever since and
1:25:00that was a long time to say all that but
1:25:02thank you for listening i hope no ears
1:25:03are bleeding out there no
1:25:04this is a there's no reason you know for
1:25:07me to say anything i'm enjoying the
1:25:08story as much as everyone else listening
1:25:10to this
1:25:10and i guess a question that i have that
1:25:13i was thinking about when you were
1:25:14talking is
1:25:16yeah how many men do you think and
1:25:20you know i've spoken at a you know a lot
1:25:22of men's conferences whether you stand
1:25:23up there and you're looking at the
1:25:24you know the crowd in front of you and
1:25:26you're like how many guys lives
1:25:28are broken in the same way how many of
1:25:31them were
1:25:31drug into this conference or you know
1:25:34whatever
1:25:36that's where the power i think of your
1:25:37story is because man
1:25:40it's like i'm sure there are people who
1:25:42had
1:25:43crazier situations right but if god can
1:25:46transform your life
1:25:47whose life can he not transform yeah
1:25:50yeah and that's what i try to tell men
1:25:53uh you know it's
1:25:54it gives you a it gives me a unique
1:25:56place because
1:25:57guys will say well i can't do that and
1:25:59i'm like i don't want to hear that
1:26:00i don't want to hear that because you
1:26:01can do it you know i was in a place
1:26:03where
1:26:03there was multiple times in my life
1:26:05where i thought about taking my life
1:26:07uh not only was i addicted to drugs i
1:26:08had a porn problem there was all kind of
1:26:10stuff
1:26:11and and god used me i mean look at look
1:26:14biblically at all the people he used
1:26:16right i mean he used all kind of people
1:26:18that it didn't make sense for him to use
1:26:20like why would you choose those guys but
1:26:22he chose the broken
1:26:23right he chose the ones that that needed
1:26:25healing he chose the ones
1:26:27that that needed him the most and then
1:26:29they went on to do beautiful things
1:26:31and if you're sitting here and and my
1:26:33guess is
1:26:34that there's someone around the world
1:26:37hopefully a lot who are listening to
1:26:38this and thinking
1:26:40what do i do you know yeah if if your
1:26:43story has spoken to their heart
1:26:45what would you say to them right now
1:26:48well i would tell you that
1:26:49you know vulnerability is a huge thing
1:26:51that we need in our lives
1:26:52and that was that that's the prison cell
1:26:55of addiction like there were so many
1:26:56times i wanted to tell people i wanted
1:26:58to reach out i wanted to be honest
1:27:00and i just was so afraid of people
1:27:02leaving me judging me losing everything
1:27:04and it's like that cell i talked about
1:27:06earlier you know the devil wants to keep
1:27:08you there
1:27:09and the way you get out of that is by
1:27:11being vulnerable and i always tell
1:27:12people
1:27:13there's three places you need to be
1:27:14vulnerable first of all you have to come
1:27:16to grips with what's going on your life
1:27:18you have to be vulnerable with yourself
1:27:20right because it's so easy there's so
1:27:21many nights where i'd say i got to stop
1:27:23like i'm going to ruin everything at
1:27:24some point
1:27:25this rug's getting pulled out from under
1:27:26me whether i do it or something else
1:27:29happens
1:27:30something i can't keep this up right i'm
1:27:31either going to die or i'm going to be
1:27:33found out or something
1:27:35um and but the the bad part about the
1:27:38addiction is
1:27:39it always conv it convinces you oh no
1:27:41you're fine man other people live this
1:27:43way
1:27:44you know when you convince yourself of
1:27:46that this event something eventually
1:27:47happened
1:27:48so you have to just come to grips with
1:27:49and go you know what i got a problem
1:27:51i got an issue in my life i don't care
1:27:53it's drugs or the way you talk to your
1:27:54wife
1:27:55or anything in your life you have to
1:27:57admit to yourself i got an issue and i
1:27:59need to be
1:28:00spiritually mature enough to deal with
1:28:01it right to to say
1:28:03i'm going to be different i mean that's
1:28:05what true repentance really is right
1:28:07it's like when i say
1:28:08i no longer want to offend god myself
1:28:10anyone else in my life i want to turn
1:28:12from this behavior
1:28:13and live a different way so you have to
1:28:15come to that moment and then make the
1:28:17decision
1:28:18to go do that so that's the second thing
1:28:20to become vulnerable with god
1:28:22i always tell people you got to take it
1:28:23to the confessional and you got to mean
1:28:25it you got to ask for christ
1:28:26help me with this right i can't carry
1:28:28this that's why jesus says like
1:28:30i you know i want to bear that yoke with
1:28:32you right a yoke has two places
1:28:34i want to carry that burden with you so
1:28:37you give it to him you let him you
1:28:38surrender it to him
1:28:39you admit it you apologize you say
1:28:41you're sorry and you leave out of there
1:28:43with that repentance
1:28:44so you become vulnerable with yourself
1:28:46and with god and then you have to
1:28:48have to have to have to become
1:28:50vulnerable with others in your life
1:28:53i would not be the man i am right now
1:28:54for the if it weren't for those men in
1:28:56that group
1:28:57they tell me all the time john your
1:28:59talks john what you do
1:29:00the night you've let me call you and
1:29:01you've talked to me they tell me all
1:29:03that and every single time i go
1:29:05no like you don't know what you've done
1:29:07for me
1:29:08like the support you've given me the
1:29:10belief you've given me
1:29:11the friends you've been to me in my life
1:29:13the friends i never had like
1:29:15you think this is a one-sided deal but
1:29:17it is not if anything it is way more
1:29:20received from you than it is me giving
1:29:22anything and so you got to have those
1:29:24people in your life to be vulnerable
1:29:25with
1:29:26and when you do you're fortifying
1:29:28yourself you you've reconciled with the
1:29:30father
1:29:30and now you have people around you that
1:29:33are going to shoulder shoulder with you
1:29:34in this battle every day that's how you
1:29:37do it
1:29:38you you you put it all on the table yeah
1:29:41i'd also say that
1:29:42um there are probably guys listening to
1:29:44going man i mean
1:29:46he was he was rock bottom my life isn't
1:29:48that bad
1:29:49so you know i'm doing okay that's a trap
1:29:52as well
1:29:52i mean yeah that is in some ways it's a
1:29:55bigger trap
1:29:56when you sit back and you make
1:29:57comparisons of your life to other
1:29:58people's lives
1:29:59well at least i'm not doing what that
1:30:01guy did or what that girl did you know
1:30:03and so i'm doing okay
1:30:04no we're all sinful we are all broken
1:30:08and we all need the grace of jesus
1:30:10christ and we all have to be vulnerable
1:30:12with the things that are in our lives
1:30:13that
1:30:14that are keeping us from from
1:30:17just living in the grace of jesus and
1:30:20being transformed in him
1:30:22yeah you're absolutely right matthew
1:30:24it's a prison and you're the one that
1:30:26holds the key
1:30:26i mean that's the thing you're the one
1:30:28that holds the key what i love about
1:30:30that that cell imagery
1:30:31is when the devil comes back now and he
1:30:34wants to poke those same places
1:30:36you know your porn problem your drug
1:30:37problem or whatever now
1:30:39you basically you're saying yeah it's
1:30:41okay i've already told them you know
1:30:42you have no power over me anymore
1:30:44everyone knows there's no dark secrets
1:30:46for you to hold over my head
1:30:48right that's what vulnerable means the
1:30:49root word is fullness which means wound
1:30:52it literally means wound
1:30:53and we try to wrap up that wound
1:30:55thinking it's going to heal but all
1:30:56you're doing is letting it fester
1:30:58you've got to pull back that scab expose
1:31:00that wound to god and others
1:31:02and let the divine healer take care of
1:31:05it what you can't take care of yourself
1:31:07and that's what you're doing when you
1:31:08when you come out and you say i want to
1:31:10take control of my life and i surrender
1:31:12and i trust in god to help me
1:31:14there's no way in my life i would have
1:31:15my family i would be in
1:31:17the situation that i'm in now if it
1:31:19wasn't for jesus christ if it wasn't for
1:31:21his love and his mercy and his healing
1:31:23graces no that's fantastic
1:31:25and uh you know speaking of daily mass
1:31:28i'm gonna have to wrap this up because i
1:31:29gotta go to daily mass sure
1:31:31very shortly yes
1:31:34no this is fantastic and i'm sure there
1:31:36are a lot of people are gonna be
1:31:37impacted by this
1:31:38and you know you mentioned it already
1:31:40but if you would again
1:31:41just mention where it is that people can
1:31:44find you now and what you're doing
1:31:46sure so uh just a guy on the pew.com is
1:31:49our main website
1:31:50um you can listen to all the podcasts
1:31:52there you can listen to
1:31:53um the the daily reflection videos i've
1:31:56started doing interviews now matthew
1:31:58you're going to come on hopefully in a
1:31:59couple weeks on sure
1:32:00on my show i get to interview you and
1:32:02and then we also have patron stuff there
1:32:04if you ever want to support the ministry
1:32:05you can do that there as well
1:32:07um but yeah you can find the podcast on
1:32:09it or any podcast platform
1:32:11out there well it's fantastic and
1:32:14i'd encourage people to support your
1:32:15work and uh thank you for being
1:32:17vulnerable thanks for sharing your story
1:32:19with us
1:32:20and uh man may the lord empower all
1:32:23you're doing and may lives be
1:32:24transformed so thank
1:32:26you very much john i appreciate it yeah
1:32:28no problem hopefully we can share a
1:32:29stage one day
1:32:30well that would be fantastic i look
1:32:31forward to it god bless you
1:32:34god bless
1:32:43you

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