JuJutsu Kaisen Abridged - Episode 1 — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:03hey hey time to wake up sleepy poo you
2. 0:08don't want to miss your execution now do
3. 0:10you my [ __ ]
4. 0:14[ __ ] did you say execution yeah we're
5. 0:18going to kill you going to cut off each
6. 0:21and every one of your toes going to use
7. 0:23a hacksaw to slice off those precious
8. 0:25little ears but now before we pluck out
9. 0:28your eyes and Spoon out your good KN eh
10. 0:32could be
11. 0:33worse yes we're going to make a
12. 0:36delicious human smoothie out of you oh
13. 0:38look at that it got worse and then we're
14. 0:40going to make you drink it better at
15. 0:42least give me a straw uh also I'm vegan
16. 0:45so not for
17. 0:52long find out in the next episode of I
18. 0:54just [ __ ] my [ __ ]
19. 0:58head
20. 1:04[Music]
21. 1:11hello sugas our hospital we keep dead
22. 1:14people slightly less dead catchy slogan
23. 1:17anyway uh it's itadori again how's my
24. 1:19Gramps doing please put them on a phone
25. 1:21for me baby oh on my God I'm so sorry he
26. 1:26actually died this
27. 1:28morning
28. 1:32what no fam I'm just judging your gam
29. 1:35balls he's fine I mean maybe I don't
30. 1:36know I haven't checked him in days I'll
31. 1:38go check right now yeah I will find a
32. 1:40way to choke you through the [ __ ]
33. 1:41phone you're old guy you're live in
34. 1:44there or what get the [ __ ] out I told
35. 1:46you if you ain't wearing the [ __ ]
36. 1:47stormtrooper outfit then you ain't
37. 1:49[ __ ] coming the [ __ ] in hey hey hey
38. 1:51what the [ __ ] hey
39. 1:54hey well he he's dead never call her
40. 1:57again yeah I'll stop by tomorrow word
41. 2:00hey can I borrow 40 bucks
42. 2:12no I can't believe these idiots would
43. 2:14keep a cursed object here out in the
44. 2:17open didn't even padlock the sucker at
45. 2:20at least stuff a Twizzler through the
46. 2:22latch maybe some twine a shoelace for
47. 2:25[ __ ]
48. 2:28sake
49. 2:31hold
50. 2:34up no no no no are you [ __ ] kidding
51. 2:38me no no
52. 2:44no so did you find the cursed object no
53. 2:48it's not here someone must have replaced
54. 2:51it replaced it with what I I don't want
55. 2:56to talk about
56. 2:57it looks like I got to find this thing
57. 3:00on my own I just want to beat my [ __ ]
58. 3:03meat till I don't feel feelings anymore
59. 3:06you know you didn't actually hang up
60. 3:09[Music]
61. 3:13right yeah that I told that [ __ ] to
62. 3:16suck my [ __ ] all right are you [ __ ]
63. 3:17[ __ ] stains ready let's do this come on
64. 3:20for all the marbles one two
65. 3:25three my toaster is moist
66. 3:31that's such a stupid [ __ ]
67. 3:33name ghost freak [ __ ] nuts yo what's up
68. 3:36you [ __ ] dingdong strictly stated in
69. 3:39the club room rules article 17 section B
70. 3:41if your Club room is not actively
71. 3:42engaging in substantial classroom
72. 3:43activities then you must forfeit your
73. 3:50Club as strictly stated in the this book
74. 3:53I just found section [ __ ] article 4269
75. 3:57LOL XD you're a massive dick rude [ __ ]
76. 4:00hurtful [ __ ] I don't like you guys
77. 4:02anymore I never like you you [ __ ]
78. 4:04[ __ ] breath [ __ ] stained [ __ ] magnet yeah
79. 4:06what she say kichi what the [ __ ] is up
80. 4:08[ __ ] coach mcer you [ __ ] sack what do
81. 4:11you want this time huh itadori your
82. 4:13clear Gifts of physical prowess are
83. 4:15wasted in the spooky little flipflop
84. 4:17gred cheese [ __ ] Club join the
85. 4:20sports club by sweet little tender
86. 4:21sausage do it man I crush a bowling ball
87. 4:24with my ass cheeks one time I am not
88. 4:26joining your stupid [ __ ] Sports Club
89. 4:29C then let's come to an agreement no
90. 4:31throw a metal ball farther than I can
91. 4:33and you could stay in your little Club
92. 4:35how many times do I got to say no do it
93. 4:37I will kiss you on the mouse with my
94. 4:39moue oh [ __ ] but when you put it like
95. 4:45that this place absolutely reeks of
96. 4:48cursed energy it's got to be around here
97. 4:52somewhere oh ew ew ew ew ew ew e
98. 4:58ew
99. 5:03[Applause]
100. 5:06beat that you little [ __ ] now that your
101. 5:08pathetic little ape brain could possibly
102. 5:10even begin
103. 5:16to you think we should leave yeah we
104. 5:18should
105. 5:23leave what in the sweet sugary breast
106. 5:27milk get the [ __ ] out of my way hey you
107. 5:30wait hey damn he's fast hey hey that guy
108. 5:34owes me money someone stop it please
109. 5:38well [ __ ] what kind of line is that
110. 5:39that's a throwaway line [ __ ]
111. 5:45you itadori my young fresh juicy son I'm
112. 5:49your grandson you wrinkled [ __ ] prune
113. 5:51listen to me you have to promise not to
114. 5:54end up like me a bedridden skidm Mark
115. 5:56with no Ambitions and a lifetime full of
116. 5:57regrets I was going to say lonely but
117. 6:00yeah I uh yeah okay ha I have acquired
118. 6:04him invest in your Ambitions don't ever
119. 6:07be afraid to take a risk on the things
120. 6:09that bring you Joy and remember that
121. 6:12it's okay to not be okay we're all human
122. 6:16and we all experience quit the Hallmark
123. 6:18[ __ ] and die
124. 6:20already hey hey hey hey hey I was
125. 6:24[ __ ]
126. 6:27kidding yo Mr sexy's Pizza what
127. 6:31up uh hello my my Gramps uh he's
128. 6:40he's he's finally dead isn't he I
129. 6:44[ __ ] knew it Sharon you owe me 40
130. 6:50bucks
131. 6:53[ __ ] well thank god Japan has universal
132. 6:55healthcare am I right you sure you're
133. 6:58all right I mean
134. 7:00I'd be pretty bummed if my grandpa just
135. 7:02died oh yeah I'm fine I pushed that [ __ ]
136. 7:05to the back of my brain I like to ignore
137. 7:06the bad things that happen to me in life
138. 7:08because I just don't know how to deal
139. 7:09with negativity that's that's healthy
140. 7:13right yeah no oh well that sucks so
141. 7:17anyway like I get off work in 5 minutes
142. 7:19hot Stu if you're looking for a prostate
143. 7:21exam or hey
144. 7:24you who me no him who me no her wait but
145. 7:30thought you said him I'm talking to him
146. 7:32shut the hell up
147. 7:34rude [ __ ] dude your sarcasm is confusing
148. 7:37as [ __ ] I'm mumi fushiguro from
149. 7:40Jiu-Jitsu Tech okay you have a cursed
150. 7:42object in your possession cool you ran
151. 7:44by me earlier outside your school and I
152. 7:46felt its presence give it here you're
153. 7:49really just going to talk to me while
154. 7:50you're on your phone huh yes okay this
155. 7:54is the object no not that not that this
156. 7:58oh yeah little wooden box little wooden
157. 8:00Shrine right had to break the lock to
158. 8:02get it though 10 bucks and I'll give it
159. 8:05to you the item you possess has the
160. 8:07potential to destroy countless lives and
161. 8:09wreak Untold damage upon the world damn
162. 8:13that sounds pretty important
163. 8:17huh 20 bucks I don't think you
164. 8:20understand no not really the object you
165. 8:22have it's a cursed finger and it's
166. 8:24classified as special grade whether or
167. 8:27not you actually believe in curses make
168. 8:29makes no difference to
169. 8:31me wow this really is some important
170. 8:34[ __ ]
171. 8:36huh 30 bucks [ __ ] fine I I'll venmo
172. 8:39you whatever sweet now I can finally pay
173. 8:41an Editor to do my [ __ ] lip flaps
174. 8:43thank you now we can wait what it's
175. 8:47empty anyway my email is my toaster
176. 8:49don't you dare bamboozle me where's the
177. 8:52finger whoa dude chill maybe uh uh maybe
178. 8:57what uh maybe uh my friends at school
179. 9:00have it now they did say they were going
180. 9:02to try opening it at my school tonight
181. 9:04uh why is is that bad it's worse than
182. 9:08bad it's [ __ ] your friends are going
183. 9:11to die and it's your
184. 9:16fault really what you don't think a long
185. 9:19wet fart makes a good scene transition
186. 9:21oh okay just yeah just cut me off okay
187. 9:23whatever [ __ ]
188. 9:26you damn this stuff is hard to get off
189. 9:29do you really think we should be doing
190. 9:30this we're the spooky ghost Club of
191. 9:32course we should I I think I'm going to
192. 9:35go you [ __ ] sit your fat ass down
193. 9:37tubby ah I got it wa it's a finger or
194. 9:42maybe it's a toe I don't know these
195. 9:44aren't even my glasses man I'm getting
196. 9:46the nervous shits here
197. 9:49[ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] speaking of
198. 9:58[ __ ]
199. 10:01what the hell is this DLC stay here ay
200. 10:06no way those are my friends in there if
201. 10:07something bad's happening then I got to
202. 10:10sit
203. 10:11sit good
204. 10:13boy man [ __ ]
205. 10:22you what the [ __ ] is that
206. 10:28thing
207. 10:30the
208. 10:31help
209. 10:37[Applause]
210. 10:39me go big
211. 10:49boy I hope you have a license for being
212. 10:52this [ __ ] ugly I know I'm trying to
213. 10:54kill you and all but that's really
214. 10:56[ __ ]
215. 10:57rude yeah I'll just uh I'll be here if
216. 11:01you need me uh okay oh okay yeah yeah
217. 11:06yeah no that's totally necessary yeah
218. 11:08definitely not gross at
219. 11:10oh he [ __ ]
220. 11:14sh bro what the
221. 11:21[Applause]
222. 11:23[ __ ] now when they said cursed finger
223. 11:26action this isn't exactly what I had in
224. 11:28mind
225. 11:32dude did you seriously just leap like
226. 11:34three stories up from the [ __ ] ground
227. 11:37yeah I wore my Air Jordans
228. 11:39today those dogs like do they can I yes
229. 11:43they bite and no you can't pet them a
230. 11:46what the [ __ ] why not oh hey is this the
231. 11:50uh cursed wiener you were talking about
232. 11:52yes thank God it didn't get swallowed or
233. 11:54we'd be up paddle creek without a
234. 11:56[ __ ] I I mean wait swallowed I mean I
235. 11:59used to drink a lot of paint thinner as
236. 12:01a kid but why would anyone want to
237. 12:02swallow a cursed finger swallowing would
238. 12:05Grant the swallower more power than
239. 12:06they'd know what to do win you know
240. 12:08actually it's pretty similar to
241. 12:12move similar to what
242. 12:23though hey you can't fight this thing on
243. 12:26your own like hell I can't I'm the main
244. 12:34no don't you even think about swallowing
245. 12:37that you said this thing gives you power
246. 12:41that's exactly what I need right
247. 12:44now bad dog spit it out you get the
248. 12:47squirty
249. 12:58squirt
250. 13:05I'm finally
251. 13:08free oh you got to be absolutely [ __ ]
252. 13:11[ __ ] my dick in half right now I
253. 13:14finally have a meat body to control as
254. 13:16my
255. 13:19own where all the hot anime babes at
256. 13:23it's been way too long since I've gotten
257. 13:27my fat curs C F some fat cursed
258. 13:33action oh my god oh no ew oh hey who
259. 13:37gave you a free pass to rent my meat
260. 13:39body what the [ __ ] is that give it back
261. 13:42now you human you're actually fighting
262. 13:46for control you don't just get a sweet
263. 13:48pod like this without paying for it come
264. 13:50on now baby get the [ __ ] out don't move
265. 13:52under Chuchu regulations I am required
266. 13:54to exercise SL [ __ ] your [ __ ] up as a
267. 13:56cursed being whoa what are you talking
268. 13:58about only ate a cursed finger damn dude
269. 14:00don't make this weird if I don't do
270. 14:02something the curse inside of him could
271. 14:04gain complete control and go on a total
272. 14:06Rampage barely have any strength left
273. 14:09but I have to Kakashi Sensei Gojo Sensei
274. 14:14what's up dude thought you could use a
275. 14:16hand or in this case a finger but it
276. 14:19looks like that kid over there took care
277. 14:20of all the heavy lifting for you so
278. 14:24where's the cursed finger yo fun fact I
279. 14:27really expected that finger to taste
280. 14:28like jerky but uh another fun
281. 14:32fact it didn't oh so you you ate the
282. 14:36curs finger didn't you why is that
283. 14:41bad
284. 14:45um hey do me a favor let him take
285. 14:48control of you for a bit okay I want to
286. 14:51have a little chat with him no way it
287. 14:53feels weird to have another dude crawl
288. 14:55around inside my meat like that I'm so
289. 14:57gross I don't like it do it or I'll kill
290. 14:59you where you stand
291. 15:04okay me
292. 15:06horny is this all you have to offer talk
293. 15:10[ __ ] when I rip off your dick and jump
294. 15:12rope with it you shriv
295. 15:18sprout damn you Jiu-Jitsu [ __ ] are
296. 15:21always a pain in the
297. 15:26ass though a little pain in the yes
298. 15:29could be enjoyable if
299. 15:31you all right you can take control of
300. 15:33your body again kid get out get out get
301. 15:36out damn this kid is really something
302. 15:41different
303. 15:49than what's up what' I miss well we
304. 15:51talked things over and uh yeah we're
305. 15:54going to have to kill you yeah that's
306. 15:56great Hold Up Wait what the [ __ ] did you
307. 15:57just say to me I don't agree with you
308. 16:03no what' you do to him I killed
309. 16:07[Laughter]
310. 16:10him I just knocked him out we may have a
311. 16:13particular use for him as a vessel this
312. 16:15dude saved my life a total bro move
313. 16:18please bro return the favor for me and
314. 16:21save this bro I mean if you really
315. 16:23wanted to return the favor just tongue
316. 16:24punch his fart box when he wakes
317. 16:26up what peace out [ __ ]
318. 16:31so yeah you ate a cursed demon finger
319. 16:33and have an unspeakable evil living rent
320. 16:35free inside that meat body of yours and
321. 16:38we totally have to execute you
322. 16:41unless o you really drew that out I
323. 16:43don't like that you drew that out the
324. 16:44cursed finger you ate that was one of 20
325. 16:47in total we at Jiu-Jitsu Tech which
326. 16:50you'll be acquainted with soon enough
327. 16:51have six of them so far imagine getting
328. 16:53fingered by something like that though
329. 16:55and as you can
330. 16:57see
331. 17:00we can't exactly destroy these things
332. 17:03much too powerful however we're going to
333. 17:05use you to our advantage a you really
334. 17:08like me don't you so instead of killing
335. 17:11you now we'll just kill you once you've
336. 17:13helped us locate and absorb all 20
337. 17:17fingers wow yeah that uh that really
338. 17:20[ __ ] sucks the [ __ ] out of my ass
339. 17:21dude oh just wait until we start making
340. 17:24you absorb the cursed
341. 17:26penises what
342. 17:30[Music]
343. 17:51this