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Jay Shetty: The 3 Simple Things A Happy Life Needs | E119 — Transcript

by The Diary Of A CEO · 21,694 words · 3,307 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00this is a really difficult question to
0:02ask but it is the best question you can
0:05ask yourself i don't need to tell you
0:06who he is because his reputation
0:09precedes himself i enjoyed being a monk
0:12as much as i enjoy understanding media
0:14and that's really paradoxical for a lot
0:16of people but that's just my truth i've
0:19always wanted to
0:21share meditation at scale with the world
0:23if you just keep trying to change your
0:25environment hoping that your life's
0:26going to improve you're going to feel
0:28dissatisfied at the next place and i
0:30feel we're just conditioned to say okay
0:31you don't like your job quit your job
0:32you don't like your relationship quit
0:33your relationship and i think we just
0:35keep saying that it's this external
0:37shell that we're in when it's actually
0:39this shell and what's happening inside
0:40of it that's defining all of these
0:42perspectives i believe that to create
0:45happiness
0:46day to day in one year in one month in a
0:49week you have to have
0:52quick one can you do me a favor if
0:54you're listening to this and hit the
0:56subscribe button the follow button
0:57wherever you're listening to this
0:58podcast thank you so much jay shetty is
1:01a household name all around the world
1:04he is someone that's provided
1:05inspiration
1:06wisdom and insight to billions of people
1:10using social media
1:12i don't need to tell you who he is
1:14because his reputation precedes himself
1:18in his early years he was lost becoming
1:20a monk helped him to find himself
1:23and through service he's gone on to
1:24touch the lives of billions of people
1:26through social media
1:28but who is he really
1:30who's the guy behind the following
1:33me and jay have a connection that i'm
1:34yet to experience with pretty much any
1:37guest that sat here with me and i know
1:39you're gonna feel that today this is a
1:42truly special honest open conversation
1:45between two men about so many things
1:48that i genuinely think the world needs
1:50to hear
1:52thank you jay and when i say thank you
1:54to jay you're going to understand why
1:56shortly
1:57so without further ado i'm stephen
1:59bartlett and this is the director ceo
2:01i hope nobody's listening
2:03but if you are
2:04then please keep this to yourself
2:07[Music]
2:13jay
2:14first of all you know i usually start
2:16this podcast in a much more serious way
2:17but it's good to see you back in the uk
2:20mate it's good to see you and i was just
2:21saying this to you offline that i think
2:23the first time we met was around three
2:25years ago three or four years ago in new
2:27york
2:28and i think we have this plan to become
2:29best friends
2:32we're like we're going to see each other
2:33this this is this and then all of a
2:35sudden i moved to l.a yeah and then you
2:37moved back to london too yeah it's so
2:39good to see you man no it's great to be
2:40reunited i do feel like we've got so
2:42much in common in so many unbelievable
2:44ways but the reason why i was so excited
2:45by this conversation is because we've
2:47also got so many we've walked a
2:49different path in our lives um
2:51and you're such an uh a self-aware sort
2:54of self-analytical human being so the
2:56wisdom that i've gained from watching
2:58you online over the years is someone
2:59that comes from london is from the uk as
3:01well and is speaking to the world
3:02through their content and channels i
3:04find i found truly inspirational
3:06so let's get into it
3:08so one of the things i always start with
3:09with people and i think this comes from
3:11my experience with like studying
3:12childhood psychology is trying to
3:14understand what it was in their early
3:16years that that has led them
3:19to go on the path they went on and
3:20ultimately to be sat here when you look
3:22back at those early years in your life
3:24in growing up in london um what were the
3:26formative things that
3:28you point at in hindsight and go do you
3:30know i wouldn't be who i am now a bit of
3:32an anomaly if that hadn't happened
3:36i think one of the biggest things would
3:38be that
3:39i felt
3:40i mediated my parents marriage when i
3:42was younger and so i was their go-to
3:45person
3:46for my mom and my dad
3:48and i have a really good relationship
3:50with both of them
3:51and loved them both
3:53and they would come to me with their
3:54challenges and their issues and their
3:57pain points
3:59and as i was growing up i felt that i
4:01was always trying to reconcile
4:04discuss
4:06converse negotiate for both of them on
4:08either side
4:09and one thing i realized very early on
4:11as a young child was i never wanted to
4:14take a side i never wanted to
4:17make one of them win and one of them
4:18lose i never saw one of them right and
4:20one of them wrong
4:22i really saw them both
4:24as two humans
4:26who were trying their best but just like
4:29me
4:30were naturally flawed and fallible and
4:33made mistakes
4:34and i think that gave me a sense of
4:36compassion
4:38that runs through to today for myself
4:40and for others and for people that i
4:42work with and the people that we
4:43communicate through
4:45the podcast and videos
4:47because i just saw very early on in my
4:49life that people could mean well
4:52people could try their best people could
4:54try to be loving
4:56and share kindness
4:59but they could still feel that things
5:01weren't working out for them so i look
5:03at that as a massive
5:05moment in my past
5:07because
5:09now when i look back at it i think i've
5:11i've just been doing this for so long
5:13like i feel like i started doing this
5:14when i was
5:15probably six seven maybe ten years old
5:18and so now to be still doing it today
5:21it feels like something that was a
5:23natural role that i embodied at that
5:25time
5:26and it's now a role that has evolved
5:28into
5:30looking internally for myself
5:32also looking at the things that i
5:34adopted from that time that were
5:35uncomfortable and
5:37things that made me question my own
5:39self-worth and my own meaning of life
5:41what were those things i would say that
5:45for me i realized that we either try to
5:48repeat
5:49or avoid
5:51what we saw in our childhood
5:53and that happens either unconsciously or
5:55consciously so you could be
5:57unconsciously
5:59repeating what you saw in your childhood
6:01or you could be consciously avoiding it
6:04and i found that there were parts of me
6:06that were really great at avoiding some
6:08of the negative things
6:10but there were also subconscious parts
6:11of me that adopted some of those
6:13behavior traits that i only discovered
6:15in the last two years
6:17and so i'll give you an example with my
6:19wife
6:20i sometimes played the role
6:23of
6:24sacrificing
6:26and over giving
6:28but then expecting her to give the same
6:30amount back
6:32now the way i see sacrifice now
6:35is that if you sacrifice something for
6:37someone and then you want it back
6:40it's not a sacrifice it's a transaction
6:43you can't give someone a discount and
6:46then ask them to pay full price
6:48and then say it was a sacrifice because
6:50it wasn't it was a transaction
6:53and i saw that in my life because of the
6:55way i'd received loved from extended
6:58families or love from school or teachers
7:00or whatever it may have been
7:02i was loved in that way where i was
7:04loved but then made to feel guilty if i
7:06didn't repay it in full
7:08and i saw myself
7:10adopting that in my own loving
7:12relationships with my wife with my
7:14family with my sister and i literally
7:16only spotted that two years ago wow and
7:18i thought to myself this has to stop i
7:21can't repeat this cycle
7:23what is the work you do to spot those to
7:25illuminate some of those kind of
7:26subconscious
7:28behavior patterns that because we all
7:30have them going on in the back room of
7:31our lives and our minds we have our
7:33childhood
7:35the lessons we learn and the limiting
7:36beliefs we learn
7:38almost acting as the puppet master of
7:40our adult lives and so how does one
7:42become get to a point where they can
7:44spot that and go do you know what that
7:46comes from that what is there an
7:47exercise you've done is that you know
7:49tell me i think the first thing is that
7:51when you experience conflict with
7:53someone or you experience a disagreement
7:55or a disconnect with someone
7:57our
7:58society version is blame them it's their
8:01fault they upset you they're wrong and
8:04our friends will agree with that when
8:05you go and tell your friend that so and
8:07so did something they'll say oh yeah
8:09well you know he or she is a xyz xyz
8:12sorry uh xyz
8:15the the the american spelling to his
8:16time in america uh the the xyz of their
8:19so and so they're like this they're like
8:21that
8:23and actually in that moment i think the
8:24best thing we can do is
8:27what's my accountability in this
8:29what part of this have i created for
8:32myself
8:33this is a really uncomfortable difficult
8:36question to ask but it is the best
8:39question you can ask yourself if every
8:41time something goes wrong
8:43or something doesn't work out
8:46instead of blaming someone else or
8:48blaming yourself
8:50if you can pause
8:52and say what part of this
8:55am i responsible for and i think the
8:57reason why that's difficult is because
8:59we see everything as binary we see it as
9:02it's either their fault or it's all my
9:04fault it's all your fault or it's all my
9:06fault and the truth is there is no all
9:10it's all parts it's partly your fault
9:13and it's partly my fault but if i don't
9:15understand what my part to play is
9:19then i can't actually understand it so
9:21the first step is what's my part that's
9:23the first part of the exercise
9:25the second part of the exercise is now
9:26that i know what my part is
9:29let me focus on what skill i'm missing
9:31let me focus on what growth i haven't
9:33had let me focus on what part of my life
9:36feels incomplete that makes me act in my
9:40incomplete way with others so what part
9:42of me is missing and i found that when i
9:45was over sacrificing or over giving
9:47that's because i was trying to demand
9:49love from someone else and demand
9:51validation from someone else so i was
9:53almost trying to achieve or earn that
9:55love and validation
9:57and so i realized i wasn't giving it to
10:00myself
10:01and so now i've realized that whatever
10:03you want from someone else
10:05give it to yourself first if you want
10:07compliments from someone else give them
10:09to yourself first if you want validation
10:12from someone else give it to yourself
10:14first because no matter how many of them
10:16they give you
10:17if you never gave it to yourself in the
10:19first place
10:20it will never be enough so that's the
10:22second step whatever you want from
10:23someone else give it to yourself first
10:25and the third step i'd say to get to
10:27that self-awareness
10:29is simply sitting down and plotting the
10:33three most difficult times in your life
10:36so sit down and write down what have
10:37been the three most difficult times in
10:39my life for the most
10:41painful
10:42decision making
10:45points of transition in my life
10:47and then ask yourself when you made good
10:49decisions
10:51what was the environment like
10:53who were you listening to
10:55what were people saying around you
10:57and when you made poor decisions what
11:00was the environment like what were
11:01people saying who were you listening to
11:04and you'll start to spot a pattern and i
11:06found that in my life anytime i make a
11:08good decision
11:09most people disagree with me
11:11i have to listen to my inner voice and
11:14i'm usually doing something against the
11:15grain now that's my pattern but everyone
11:18has to find their own
11:20you've reached a point of self-awareness
11:21where you can literally pinpoint the
11:23steps of doing that and obviously your
11:24coaching and all the work you do has um
11:27has exacerbated that extremely is there
11:29like a practical day-to-day habit you've
11:32installed in your life to be able to
11:35look back at how jay's behaving on like
11:37is it a notepad is it voice notes in
11:39your phone is it meditation what is the
11:41the day-to-day practice that's got you
11:43to this point
11:45so i would say that over time i've done
11:47journaling i love voice notes because i
11:49like speaking sometimes more than
11:51writing but i'd say the biggest one if
11:53i'm completely honest with you stephen
11:54like sitting here with you and you're
11:56looking in my eyes asking me that
11:57question i'm like the honest answer is i
12:00talk to myself a lot while driving
12:02i talk out loud to myself a lot and i
12:05will sit there while i'm driving and i
12:08will talk through
12:09that day
12:11about a situation where i didn't like
12:13how i behaved or a situation where i was
12:16really happy about how i behaved and so
12:18i'll pinpoint and i always think it's
12:20really powerful to pinpoint
12:21a point where you
12:23were below your expectation and a point
12:25where you were above your expectation
12:28and i'll sit there and ask myself
12:30why was it that i was above my
12:31expectation
12:33why did i have the ability in that
12:35moment to act in that way
12:37i'll give an example of where i was
12:38below my expectation the other day
12:40i was going to play tennis with a friend
12:42in the morning and i was running late
12:45because
12:46i woke up i was figuring things out that
12:48morning i had a few work emails from the
12:50night before i'm eight hours ahead of la
12:52right now so i had things to catch up on
12:54i'm running late to play tennis we've
12:56got the court booked and it's only
12:58booked for an hour so we might be late
12:59something really insignificant by the
13:01way
13:02i turn up and
13:05i meet the lady at the front and they
13:06haven't been able to give me a
13:07membership card because i'm only here
13:08for 10 days and then i'm like here's my
13:10membership number and and they can't
13:12figure it out and they don't know if i'm
13:14in the system and now we're getting
13:15later for the court
13:16and i'm holding my own
13:19and i'm on the verge of just being like
13:21get on with it like can't we
13:23this is not that complicated
13:25and i resist from that
13:28but in my head i'm thinking why did that
13:30even happen like why am i even feeling
13:32the urge to put a simple person trying
13:35to do their job why am i thinking to
13:38release my anger and anguish onto them
13:41and when i thought about that later that
13:42day it was all because i was late i was
13:44frustrated that my friend's gonna be
13:46upset that we're 30 minutes late for the
13:47court i was upset that we're going to
13:49get even less time and i was about to
13:51take it out on an innocent person who
13:54actually has nothing to do with any of
13:55it who's trying to do their job and so
13:57for me
13:59talking out loud
14:01when i'm on my own
14:03spending time actually now when i'm
14:05answering a question
14:07spending time alone
14:09is the only place where you get to have
14:11these conversations
14:13and most of us are spending time away
14:15from being alone because we're scared of
14:17having these conversations i'm sure
14:19you've seen they did that study
14:21where they asked men and women
14:23whether they either wanted to be alone
14:26with their thoughts for 15 minutes
14:28or give themselves an electric shock
14:32now the
14:33results will surprise you
14:3530 percent of women gave themselves an
14:38electric shock
14:39and 60 of men gave themselves an
14:42electric shark and the reason was
14:44because they didn't want to be alone
14:46with their thoughts for 15 minutes we
14:48struggle so much with the idea
14:52of being present in our own minds and
14:54bodies and hearts that we distract
14:56ourselves so really the habit
14:59is being present
15:01with myself with my thoughts
15:03and working through
15:05when i'm happy with myself
15:07and when i think i could have done
15:09better
15:10you know i really
15:12can relate to that point about
15:14um
15:15not wanting to be alone with with your
15:17thoughts not from my own experiences but
15:19because i've got friends around me
15:20specifically over the last year when
15:21we've been in this lockdown who have
15:23really struggled and even over the
15:24christmas period i've got a couple of
15:26friends who really really struggle
15:27because they are alone with their
15:29thoughts and you've spoken there to the
15:31value of sitting alone with your
15:32thoughts and silence and
15:33self-contemplation but what is it
15:36in the human in a human that makes them
15:38not want to
15:39be alone with their thoughts why for
15:41some are their thoughts so
15:43such an unpleasant place to be
15:46i think it's because we've equated
15:49loneliness
15:51and being alone
15:53with abandonment
15:56and those are two completely different
15:59ideas
16:01you can be lonely but that doesn't mean
16:03you've been abandoned
16:06and
16:07we confuse this so much paul tillich
16:10writes about this and he says that
16:12the challenge today is that we think
16:15that there's only one word
16:17for being alone and we call it
16:20loneliness and he says we've forgotten
16:22about a second word it's called solitude
16:25solitude and loneliness externally look
16:28the same
16:29but they're completely different things
16:31and he says that solitude is the
16:33strength of being alone
16:35and loneliness
16:36is the weakness and to me it's because
16:38being alone feels like abandonment it
16:40feels like everyone has left us it feels
16:42like we're alone at the end of the party
16:44and no one's gonna stay
16:47we've created a
16:48feeling of being enamored
16:52and being forced to admire
16:54being together
16:56my other half
16:58my better half
17:00the person who completes me it's like
17:03all of this language
17:05is
17:06phrased in a way to make you feel half
17:09and incomplete
17:11when someone came to school and they
17:12didn't have someone to sit next to them
17:14that person was considered the loner
17:16if you had a birthday party and no one
17:18showed up you were considered unpopular
17:21all of our self-worth since we were
17:24young has been defined by do you have
17:27people around you not the quality of
17:30those people not the depth of those
17:32people not how much those people
17:34actually love you just did you have
17:36people around you
17:38and so we've just been conditioned to
17:39believe that being alone
17:42means being lonely means being abandoned
17:45when actually
17:47being in solitude could be the most
17:49beautiful thing we could do so it's just
17:51as a society we've got to unlearn that
17:53conditioning
17:54that's made us forcefully believe
17:58that if you don't have someone else if
17:59you turn up to a wedding and you don't
18:01have a plus one yeah that's like one of
18:03the most stressful things for people i
18:06don't know who i'm gonna take
18:08why is it that prom if you don't have a
18:10date
18:11every single major life event graduating
18:14weddings they're all based around having
18:17someone else there
18:18to celebrate you
18:21why like why why why can't we just
18:23celebrate ourselves
18:25and i think that's where we've lost it
18:26we've lost the idea of celebrating
18:28ourselves do you think that i was just
18:30thinking that thinking that through and
18:31i was thinking you know if 10 000 years
18:33ago on the in the tribes of africa if i
18:35was without
18:36if i was without a tribe i would have
18:38been
18:39um from a reproductive standpoint less
18:41attractive no woman would want to have
18:43been with me because a tribe speaks to
18:45the resources i can provide in bringing
18:47up a you know a baby for our family but
18:49also you know i would have been in great
18:51danger my social status would have
18:53decayed and typically they see this in
18:54tribes i think in monkeys where if you
18:57if you fall out of the tribe eventually
18:58you get sick or die
19:00um so do you think that's a prehistoric
19:02part of our conditioning or is it like a
19:04social
19:05new age social um
19:07construct i think prehistorically it
19:10makes sense but i think the social
19:12construct has been that equating
19:16solitude or loneliness with isolation
19:19seclusion and separation
19:21and i think we confused the two ideas
19:23spending time every day in solitude is
19:26not me saying to you
19:28don't talk to anyone all year you're not
19:30good enough right yeah and it's not like
19:31me saying
19:32spending some time talking to yourself
19:34and being alone with your thoughts means
19:36never go to a party or an event like i
19:38think i just think we've got really poor
19:40as humans as entertaining two ideas
19:44that are supposedly conflicting but
19:47recognizing that there's a middle ground
19:48like we're poor at saying okay well jay
19:51and steven aren't saying be alone or be
19:54surrounded by people we're saying spend
19:56some time alone and be intentional about
19:58who you spend your time with and for
20:00some reason the human mind goes no no i
20:01think you're telling me that i have to
20:02go live in a forest and be away from
20:04everyone but that's not really what
20:06solitude is solitude is i am comfortable
20:10spending time with myself for a few
20:12moments a day enjoying my own company
20:15and speaking of spending time with
20:16people then so one of the concepts you
20:18write a lot about is this kind of 75
20:20rule
20:21um
20:23people often discuss the importance of
20:24the company you keep whether it's their
20:26wisdom their attitude their positivity
20:28their optimism whatever and the effect
20:30that can have on you as a human being
20:32what have you done in your life and also
20:33what is the importance from what you've
20:36experienced of surrounding yourself with
20:38people that have
20:39good values that are equally ambitious
20:41that share a sort of similarities
20:43as it relates to who you want to become
20:46is it important does it matter i i think
20:48one of the biggest mistakes i've made
20:51and i think we make as humans
20:54is we often look for
20:56divinity in humanity
20:58you're looking for that divine person
21:01that has all the answers and that is
21:04infallible and perfect
21:07and when you seek divinity in humanity
21:11you're left with
21:13insecurity and anxiety
21:15because no one fulfills that divine
21:18search and so for me what i really had
21:21to understand is i went down that road
21:23and felt like i was let down and felt
21:25like people
21:26made me feel unworthy or unequipped was
21:30i recognized that there were four
21:32pillars of relationships
21:34and they are care
21:36competence
21:38consistency and character
21:41every single person in your life
21:43is going to be able to give you or
21:45should be able to give you at least one
21:48of these four characteristics
21:50very rarely if ever will one person give
21:54you all four
21:55and if you're lucky you might have a few
21:56people in your life that give you two or
21:58three so let's talk about each of them
22:00care
22:02my mom there is no one in the world who
22:04cares for me more than my mom she would
22:06do anything for me she'd be there for me
22:09all she wants to make sure it doesn't
22:11matter what i've achieved or what i've
22:12done if she picks up the phone to me her
22:14first question is have you eaten
22:16what did you eat
22:18uh are you safe are you healthy right
22:20like that's all she cares about
22:22now my mom isn't the person that i go to
22:25for business advice
22:26or she's not the person i'm saying
22:28hypothetically that i go to for social
22:31media advice that's not her competence
22:34but she doesn't need to be she cares for
22:36me and that's what i get from her
22:38now let's go to competence if i'm
22:40thinking about
22:42starting a business
22:43new dragon over here
22:45right like you'd be a great friend to
22:47call up you're someone who understands
22:49what it takes to get investors scale a
22:50business build teams manage
22:53internationally grow scale sell like you
22:56have that journey and you have that
22:58network you have that career i'd also
23:00care about you i know you also care
23:02about me so i've got two out of four in
23:03you and you've got good character
23:05you don't have the consistency though
23:06because we don't see each other enough
23:08so
23:09so three out of four 35 yeah 75 percent
23:12and so for that for me is that perfect
23:14example of there's competence there and
23:16there is care there which is wonderful
23:17and there's character there i believe
23:18you're someone of good character and
23:20that's the next one character there are
23:22some people in our life that hold us to
23:24higher values
23:25they help us grow with greater integrity
23:28they help us see things beyond what
23:30we're chasing they make us look beyond
23:32our desires and make us recognize that
23:34there's so much more to life
23:36and those people are massively important
23:39and those people may not be the people
23:40we see every week they may not be the
23:42people we see every day they may not be
23:44the people that we call up but you need
23:46them as your compass the people with
23:48character are your compass
23:50and then finally you have the people
23:51that are consistent you have some mates
23:54that you just know are always going to
23:56pick up the phone
23:57you know that if you need to move house
24:00you've got a family emergency you know
24:01which friend you call
24:03they may not be the competent business
24:05advisor
24:06they may care about you but they don't
24:07care about you as deeply as your mom
24:09does but they are consistently always
24:12there for you
24:13and that's beautiful but the problem is
24:15when we look at our consistent friend we
24:17think why are you not competent we look
24:19at our competent friend we think why
24:21don't you have good character we look at
24:23our character friend and say well why
24:24aren't you always there and so we're
24:26always looking for which c they don't
24:28have
24:29rather than appreciating for them for
24:31exactly what they bring to our life
24:33you know i met your wonderful wife yeah
24:35you did yeah yeah honestly
24:38in a room full of hundreds and hundreds
24:40of people if there was a light
24:42like if she felt like a physical like a
24:44light in the room just her energy was
24:47just unbelievable and it's it's
24:50remarkable because she she felt so much
24:51like you in so many ways i'm guessing
24:54when you're talking about that third
24:56point about character and values and
24:58showing you things in life that are
25:00beyond what you might have thought in
25:01the meaning of life i'm i'm you know
25:03from my own 10-minute you know
25:05conversation with her i feel like she
25:06must be in that category right yeah
25:09right i always used to say to people
25:10like so people become friends with me
25:13and i hope they like me and then i
25:15introduce them to my wife and then i
25:17never hear from them again so she steals
25:19all my friends and i'm i'm not even just
25:21saying that like that's genuinely true
25:23she has stolen every single one of my
25:25friends as soon as they meet not
25:26surprised i can't
25:28but yeah she's just i don't know how and
25:31it's it's been interesting because my
25:33wife has taught me so much more
25:36about me
25:37and life
25:39than i ever thought a partner could and
25:42it's because
25:44as my so my wife and i've been together
25:46since before my external career took off
25:50and so she was with me
25:52when i had no money no job she
25:55introduced me to her family when i had
25:57no money no job i met her parents i met
26:00her extended family i had no career plan
26:03so i've been with her for around eight
26:05years now
26:06and
26:07far far before everything kind of took
26:09off externally and
26:11what was really really phenomenal was as
26:14my life took off externally
26:17i started to develop this need for
26:20validation from her
26:22for what i was achieving
26:24so if i'd get a big deal
26:26i'd be like look what i did like look
26:28what i did like isn't this amazing
26:30and she wouldn't be impressed by it
26:33and then if i did something and it went
26:35viral i'd be oh look at this look at
26:36this like look how cool this is like
26:37isn't this amazing
26:39and she wasn't impressed by it and then
26:41if i was on the front cover or magazine
26:43or something i'd be like oh look how
26:44cool this is like look look at this
26:46and she wouldn't admire it
26:49and for a long time i started to think
26:50did i marry the wrong person
26:53and i was thinking to myself did i am i
26:55with the wrong person because i know
26:57plenty of people who are telling me that
26:59that cover's amazing and that video is
27:01amazing and that podcast is amazing and
27:02that person's amazing like
27:04am i like am i not worthy of respect
27:08and i realized
27:09as i and i reflected on that as i said
27:11earlier i was like what part of this am
27:13i accountable for
27:15and the answer was really simple
27:19my life my wife loved me
27:22for everything that came before that
27:25she loves me despite all of that
27:28if all of that was to go away tomorrow
27:30she'd still love me
27:31and i was like isn't that the most
27:33beautiful thing
27:34like isn't that what we all want isn't
27:36that what we're truly craving is that we
27:39are loved beyond our appearance our
27:41achievements our ambitions
27:44and our goals
27:46and i had that but i wasn't seeing that
27:49because i wanted to be loved for my
27:50ambitions my achievements my goals and
27:52so yes when you talk about my wife being
27:54a light she's one of those people for
27:56sure because she's been my guide my
27:58coach my teacher without even knowing if
28:01you asked her this question
28:02she she wouldn't say that she was doing
28:04it intentionally
28:05but
28:06she's been such a great teacher in light
28:08in my life in so many ways and so i'm
28:10always just trying to
28:12anytime she annoys me i'm like there's a
28:14lesson in this for me and and there's
28:16going to be something really profound in
28:18this for me because
28:19she's she's she's cut from a different
28:22class she's she's remarkable i don't
28:24even know how she's like her parents her
28:25parents are incredible and you know
28:27they've they've given her a lot of love
28:28and so i see that kind of flow through
28:31her it's so funny i burst out laughing
28:33then because it reminds me a lot of my
28:34girlfriend
28:35and i i've said this on this podcast a
28:37lot and it's i've never actually
28:38realized
28:40the
28:41kind of fundamental truth in um what you
28:44said there
28:45but whenever i talk about my girlfriend
28:47i say
28:48she doesn't really care when i if i'm
28:50number one in the charts or if i'm
28:52number one here or that the reaction i
28:53get from her versus other people like my
28:55boys is kind of a bit more mute yeah
28:58i think maybe she just doesn't care
29:00about my you know my like prefer but
29:02you've what you've highlighted there is
29:04in fact that is somebody that values
29:07something else yes in you so my
29:09girlfriend would be very very happy and
29:11very very impressed with me doing a
29:13bunch of other things that would maybe a
29:14bit more pure in their values she would
29:16celebrate those things it's not like
29:18she's not celebrating me it's just i
29:20don't get the euphoria from the like
29:22number one in the podcast chart yes and
29:24it's a question of values and in fact as
29:26you say that's what we should all be
29:28looking for yes but society has taught
29:30me
29:31that you clap when you get big numbers
29:33on stuff or you go number one or the
29:34bank balance is big yeah so
29:37that's so interesting it's probably
29:39i guess someone's going to draw the
29:40conclusion from that they're going to
29:41look at their partner who's been
29:42clapping because they've got like a
29:43promotion at work and they're going to
29:45go you've got bad values
29:48and not at all we should we should we
29:50should be supportive partners about
29:52everything that our partners do but it
29:54is beautiful that
29:55you get an opportunity to learn about
29:57your partner's values by what they value
29:59in your own success
30:01and that doesn't mean that like you just
30:03said like your girlfriend or my wife is
30:05not happy when something goes number one
30:07or does great of course they're happy
30:09but there's something deeper than that
30:11that makes them happier yeah exactly and
30:13i think that's really special and that's
30:14that character in that light
30:16do you want to drink yes please
30:18what is this
30:19i know what huel is but i didn't i've
30:21never had this before is this vegan yes
30:23oh amazing all right
30:25yeah i'll try this vegan gluten-free
30:27it's like a
30:28yeah all your nutritionally
30:30complicatedness this this tastes so good
30:32you like it yeah it's rich it's really
30:34good for you it really is good for you
30:35and when i say when i say that how much
30:37sugar does it have in it i don't believe
30:39it has sugar i think it has sucrose or
30:40whatever the replacement is it's too
30:42good to feel healthy well you know they
30:44could have made it taste like nesquik
30:46and they i've been in the boardroom with
30:47them and they just refuse they refuse to
30:49compromise on the the goodness
30:52call all right
30:54whenever you're ready
30:55when i was reading through your story
30:57and from what i've observed with your
30:58story there was um some really
31:00interesting similarities that
31:02really reminded me of mine but um i feel
31:05like are an exception and it's it's you
31:08and you know what you said it before we
31:09started talking
31:10you said um
31:12we were talking about various business
31:14things and business decisions you've
31:15made
31:17and also you we were talking about you
31:18moving to l.a
31:20after just going there with your wife
31:22for a week
31:23and you said well it just felt like the
31:25right thing to do we were there for one
31:27week and it felt like the right thing to
31:28do so although you were leaving new york
31:29where you had all of this stuff and you
31:31were starting to build um your presence
31:33there
31:35you used your your compass became how
31:37you felt and when i looked through your
31:40your history
31:41from
31:42your very very early days from a
31:44teenager to school to university to
31:46going off and becoming a monk to
31:49getting a job at accenture then pick
31:50getting picked up by ariana huffington
31:52at huffington post and quitting after
31:54six months because you're doing this
31:56other thing you are a remarkable quitter
31:59and you seem to be one that's guided by
32:00this compass of how does this feel not
32:04what will people think
32:05talk to me about that and is that
32:07observation accurate
32:09it's such a hard way to live in one
32:10sense and such an easy way to live in
32:12one step
32:13that observation i i never put it in
32:15those words but i love those words and
32:18i've heard you talk about that before
32:19about being a good quitter and i love
32:21that
32:22i i i think what you're saying is true i
32:25i agree with you
32:26i've never articulated in the way you
32:28just did but it feels so true
32:31i from a very young age just felt
32:35there was this strong inner voice and i
32:39believe everyone has it this isn't me
32:40being religious or spiritual or woo-woo
32:43this is me saying that there is a voice
32:46that we all hear in our minds in our
32:48hearts in our heads wherever you want to
32:50say it is it's there
32:52and
32:53the challenge that happens is in our
32:55early years you're told to tell it to be
32:58quiet so every time that voice says well
33:00maybe no no no no just just do what
33:03they're saying do what they're told
33:05get on that conveyor belt
33:07get on that assembly line
33:09stick that bar code on your back become
33:11a machine go be a robot and and it's
33:14almost programmed and so that voice that
33:17is not machine like that voice is the
33:19human inside of us is being trained to
33:21be a machine
33:23and so we start treating ourselves like
33:25machines
33:26and machines you just program them and
33:28then press enter and then it gives you
33:30what it wants but we don't function that
33:33way we're a conversation in the universe
33:35we're not a program and so if you're a
33:39conversation and you're an interaction
33:41you're dynamic
33:43that inner voice becomes so squashed
33:46that now by the time we're 20 30 40 50
33:4960 70 whatever age you are you can't
33:51hear it anymore so you say oh that's
33:53some spiritual mumbo-jumbo stuff because
33:55i don't hear that voice
33:57but that's just because we quietened it
33:59so for me
34:00even till this day and by the way i have
34:03more things trying to quiet that voice
34:05today i had a
34:07conversation with my team recently
34:09i was talking about a few new things i
34:10wanted to try out this year and a lot of
34:13people said to me they said jay don't
34:14you think that's a risk to the brand
34:16you've created don't you think that's a
34:17risk to who you are and i said well i
34:21haven't worked this hard to not do what
34:23i truly want like i haven't got this far
34:26by being someone else i've got this far
34:28by being true to myself
34:31so i can only continue to do that and so
34:34yes there are things that i do that are
34:36slightly unconventional for people
34:37who've been monks in the past there are
34:39certain ways that i live my life and
34:41there are certain things that i enjoy
34:42and i always say this i enjoy being a
34:44monk as much as i enjoy understanding
34:47media
34:48and that's really paradoxical for a lot
34:50of people but that's just my truth i
34:53enjoy building a business and learning
34:55about what it takes
34:56as much as i learned trying to
34:58understand how to meditate deeper and go
35:00internal i under i enjoy and appreciate
35:03what i gain from all these pursuits
35:06and i see them as being this beautiful
35:11you know beautiful
35:12symbiotic synergetic combination of
35:15learning and life and experience but the
35:17problem is our mind has said no those
35:19things are paradoxical that's an
35:20oxymoron you can't connect those two
35:22things those two things are
35:24unconnectable and i'm like
35:26well steve jobs said that creativity is
35:28connecting things and
35:30connected thinkers will rule the future
35:32so
35:33if we can't spot connections in
35:36anomalies
35:38then i think we actually sell ourselves
35:39short and so when you say being a
35:42remarkable quitter i see that as me
35:44saying
35:44i only
35:46have trained myself to know that i can
35:48only do what i really feel like doing
35:50with the awareness that this could be a
35:53risk
35:54but i'm okay with that does that answer
35:55your question
35:56yeah and you know you you brought up
35:58another point now which i think is is
35:59equally this sounds a bit like a pun but
36:01equally connected which is
36:03you know society will give you a label
36:04they'll say okay you're a monk so act
36:07like and behave like a monk we know what
36:08monks are here's the instruction manual
36:10of being a monk and if you do anything
36:12other than the instruction manual there
36:14then they'll say contradiction yeah
36:15they'll say you're a monk how do you
36:16live in laj yes you have a you have a
36:18nice home you make money
36:21and then and so what is what is it about
36:23these labels that we give people and
36:25then we society then tries to enforce
36:27and if you step outside of the implicit
36:29instructions of the box that we've
36:30labeled you in we go fraud yeah yeah
36:33what is that there's a really good meme
36:36on social media that i've seen fly about
36:38for years and it says society says
36:42be yourself
36:44and then it says no not like that
36:47and i don't know who invented it but
36:49it's been out there in in the meme world
36:50for years and i love it because i'm like
36:52that's exactly it and i the way you just
36:54explained what you said i've actually
36:55never heard it said better than that so
36:57you've just explained in 30 seconds i've
36:59been trying to round about for the past
37:01three minutes uh but but that's exactly
37:03it that we want to label people we want
37:06to label things we want to label
37:08everyone now let's take the rock dwayne
37:10the rock johnson
37:12we lay we could label him a wrestler
37:15but that wrestler is one of the biggest
37:17actors in the world today and forget
37:18actors he's a brand beyond that
37:21now if we labeled him as a wrestler and
37:22said no no you just have to stay a
37:24wrestler you never get to see this if
37:26you look at steve jobs well you started
37:28by making computers you're a computer
37:30maker so just make computers why are you
37:32inventing itunes why are you inventing
37:34the phone now i think it gets harder
37:37when it gets to things that are
37:39spiritually intertwined
37:41and i grew up with a belief for a long
37:43time that if you were truly spiritual
37:46you had to be poor you had to have
37:49nothing you had to be completely
37:51detached and disconnected
37:53and i found that that's a worthy pursuit
37:56and has some beautiful rewards at the
37:58end of it as a journey
38:00but i also saw having lived that life as
38:02a monk that there were certain areas of
38:05impact certain conversations that we
38:07never got to be a part of there were
38:09certain things in mainstream society
38:12that we never got to shift and that's
38:14something that called out to my heart
38:16personally
38:17where i felt well what if mental health
38:20was mainstream that that was a
38:21mainstream conversation that everyone in
38:24the world had access to the tools to
38:26help themselves for free through
38:28podcasting through interviews through
38:30books through videos through content
38:32what if everyone in the world had access
38:35to what i have access to as a monk
38:37but what does that need that needs staff
38:40it needs employees it needs eight
38:42cameras it needs a microphone it needs
38:44people it needs teams it needs a
38:46business
38:47so what looks like a business on the
38:49outside is just purpose on the inside
38:52but we're so
38:54schooled and trained to judge things for
38:57what they externally look like not what
39:00they internally are
39:01that we don't give ourselves that
39:03expansive abundant mindset to say well
39:05maybe this could be more now i'm not
39:07saying that i don't have imperfections
39:09and i'm not saying that i don't love
39:11things as well like i i like nice things
39:14i like nice clothes i like fashion i
39:17like
39:19uh i like living in a nice space so i
39:21like i like nice things that i would
39:22never shy away from that but i'm also
39:25fully aware that i don't
39:27depend on my happiness on those things
39:29i'm not putting what i believe is going
39:31to make me joyful on those things but i
39:33appreciate having them but i've also
39:35appreciated life when i didn't have them
39:37so they've never defined whether i've
39:39worked hard or worked on my purpose if
39:42that makes sense 100 you know there's
39:43two times in this conversation where
39:45you've made points where where the kind
39:47of conclusion that my head has arrived
39:48at is we have to meet in the middle if
39:50we're going to make progress the first
39:52time you did that was when you were
39:53talking about um having like an argument
39:55with with a wife or a partner or
39:57whatever it might be and you've got to
39:58actually like meet in the middle and say
40:00this is maybe where i can improve and
40:01maybe this is where you know use step to
40:03file and then you said it again there
40:05with um with the example of spirituality
40:07and probably like the business world
40:09they're seen as polar opposites one is
40:11all about you know maybe a less a
40:14less of a desire for material possession
40:16and attainment and climbing and
40:17capitalism and the other is the
40:19the definition of it and you're saying
40:21well really if we are to spread the
40:23message of spirituality around the world
40:25we're going to need to learn a little
40:27bit from the other side about building
40:29and scaling and
40:30and i just think that phrase the truth
40:32is in the middle has haunted me for the
40:34last couple of weeks since i came back
40:35from indonesia because
40:37um it seems to be the nature of
40:39everything and we're actually moving
40:40away from that as a polarized society
40:41black white
40:42police the people rich poor you know and
40:45woman exactly
40:47and and it's beautiful you said that
40:49actually because the buddha always
40:50talked about the middle path
40:52so he called it the middle path
40:54interesting for that reason from what
40:55you just said that it was always about
40:57the middle path that the answer was
40:59somewhere i interviewed kristen bell
41:01recently and she wrote a book called why
41:03the world needs more purple people and
41:05that's because of the red and blue
41:06states so the idea of this idea of like
41:09meeting in the middle that there's some
41:11answers that you only come across if you
41:14can
41:14entertain this idea and this idea and
41:17look for the connection and what i love
41:20is that
41:21for everything we're talking about
41:22someone's thought about it and talked
41:24about it before
41:26and when i think of someone who defined
41:28what we're talking about really well and
41:30this is
41:31a quote a thought that an insight that i
41:33try and live my life by and it's from
41:35martin luther king
41:37and he said that the people that love
41:39peace
41:40need to learn to organize themselves
41:43as well as the people who love war
41:46and to me that's what's been missing so
41:48for so long in spirituality and wellness
41:52and health is that we can speak about
41:54these things in this really organic
41:56beautiful way
41:57but if it doesn't get organized and if
42:00it doesn't get strategic and it doesn't
42:02get focused
42:04it just kind of feels like splattered
42:06paint
42:07and it doesn't allow people to
42:09practically apply it in their life so
42:10sometimes when people say jay what
42:12you're saying is so simple it's so basic
42:15i'm like yeah i'm choosing to do that
42:17because
42:19that's what we all need like don't we
42:20all need to make this really simple and
42:22easy and practical i know that's what i
42:24need and by the way i love getting
42:26caught up in a heady intellectual
42:27conversation and i've studied the vedas
42:29that are five thousand years old and i
42:30can reel off verses and talk about
42:32philosophical intricacies but
42:35i don't think that's going to help
42:37people at this stage and that doesn't
42:39help me when i started so for me i like
42:42to focus in on how can we get focused
42:44around powerful simple ideas
42:47and a powerful simple idea that loads of
42:49my guests come here and talk about and
42:50it's interesting that they do because
42:51they are incredibly successful people
42:53typically um is this idea of meditation
42:57and the power of meditation now i've
42:58heard this word meditation for many a
43:01year and increasingly over time i've
43:03become more compelled by it and started
43:04doing it thanks a lot to my girlfriend
43:06as well
43:07um
43:08so
43:08and you write about it a lot in your
43:10book i mean a couple of the chapters
43:11mentioned i mean pretty much several of
43:13the chapters mention the power of
43:14meditation
43:16talk to me about this simple idea of
43:18meditation and what the impact has been
43:20for you and can be for those listening
43:23so in the book
43:24i present three different types of
43:28meditation
43:29that i was trained in as a monk and that
43:32i was exposed to
43:33and they are breath work
43:35visualization and mantra so if you look
43:38at all types of meditations that exist
43:39today in the world there are three tools
43:41or three formats in which you can do it
43:44breath work obviously naturally it says
43:46in the name it's all about your
43:48breathing and breath work is generally
43:50aimed at body
43:51and physical so if you're having
43:53physical anxiety physical stress if
43:55you're rushing around your heart rate's
43:57gone up breath work is a beautiful way
43:59to come back into alignment now
44:01visualization is really interesting
44:02because visualization is used by
44:04everyone from lewis hamilton when he's
44:06driving his car around a track through
44:08to david beckham before he took a free
44:10kick visualization was the art of
44:13sitting in one place closing your eyes
44:16and visualizing
44:18what's that track going to look like
44:20what's that turn going to feel like
44:22how's that ball going to move
44:24it's visualizing the process not the
44:26result and that's what's fascinating
44:27western society has made it all about
44:29visualizing the result visualize
44:31yourself at the top of the podium and
44:33the goal the smartest people in the
44:34world are visualizing the process and
44:36the work and the journey
44:38and that's where manifestations gone
44:39wrong we can get back to that and then
44:41finally mantra or sound
44:43so
44:44the oldest text on meditation believe
44:48that sound has the power to transport
44:51and connect us in a way that no other
44:53type of meditation can now we can we all
44:56have experience of this when you hear a
44:58song from your past
45:00you're taken back there immediately
45:03when you hear a song that has maybe some
45:06ego in it or there's a song that you
45:09that you listen to on your way to a
45:11party or a nightclub because it pumps
45:12you up and it makes you feel good there
45:14are songs that make you feel violent
45:17sound has the ability to wake you up in
45:19the morning you don't wake up by sight
45:21you don't wake up by scent you don't
45:24wake up by taste you wake up by sound
45:27sound has the power to awaken deeper
45:29parts of us depending on what level it's
45:31at so when you look at meditation you
45:33have breath work you have visualization
45:35you have sound
45:36you can try a mix you can try one or the
45:40other ultimately for me
45:42meditation is an opportunity to build a
45:45relationship with yourself that's truly
45:47what it is to build your relationship
45:49with your body with your mind with your
45:52heart and with your consciousness and as
45:54you continue to meditate through breath
45:56work through visualization through
45:58mantra and sound
46:00that's all that's doing it's just
46:02deepening your relationship with
46:03yourself it's almost like saying oh when
46:05i'm with my girlfriend or my wife what
46:06do i do
46:07oh there's few activities and
46:08experiences that you do you go out for
46:10dinner you watch a movie you go for a
46:12walk okay well what do i do on my own
46:14well when i meditate on my own i get to
46:16know myself better and that's the
46:17beginning of what meditation is but the
46:20greatest benefits of meditation come
46:22from using the right tool for the right
46:25part of your life so before i'm coming
46:27on a podcast like this or going on stage
46:29if i'm feeling nervous or my heart
46:31rate's going up i've recognized that
46:33that's because i care it's because i
46:36really really care what i'm about to do
46:37and i want to be of service to others i
46:40want what i say to help someone i want
46:42what i say to hopefully start someone's
46:45meditation journey potentially and if
46:47that's the case then i need to be
46:49aligned so i'll practice breath work
46:52i'll breathe in for four and out for
46:54four this simple practice just brings me
46:57back into alignment
46:58see stephen we all have this experience
47:01how many times have you ever woken up
47:03and you feel your mind is ahead of your
47:05body every day your body wants to go to
47:07bed and your mind is racing yeah or you
47:10experience the opposite
47:12your body
47:13is racing and your mind is still in bed
47:17so most of our stress
47:19and tension in life comes from a lack of
47:22alignment in our body and our mind our
47:24body's racing 100 miles per hour and our
47:26mind is slow or our mind's racing 100
47:28miles per hour and our bodies slow
47:30to bring them back into alignment you
47:32breathe in for the same amount of time
47:34as you breathe out
47:35simply doing that brings you back into
47:37alignment visualization i use for when i
47:41think i'm about to start a difficult
47:42journey and i think i may lose a bit of
47:45patience or i feel like i really need to
47:48practice this imagine this as i'm about
47:50to go on stage doing something that's
47:51really big deal and important for me i'm
47:53going to visualize myself pacing back
47:55and forth on stage i'm going to
47:57visualize myself communicating that
47:59message i'm going to visualize myself
48:01being really energetic on stage
48:03notice i'm not visualizing people
48:05clapping i'm not visualizing people
48:07saying that was amazing because that's
48:09just setting a false expectation i'm
48:11visualizing my performance being the
48:14best that it possibly can and the mantra
48:16and sound which is a big part of my
48:18meditation every day i do to connect
48:19with my deeper self i do to awaken parts
48:22of me that are forgotten and
48:24to
48:24feel a connection to a higher power in
48:26the divine there's so many people
48:28listening right and you said that so
48:30beautifully and eloquently um who i
48:32imagine listen to me doing these
48:33podcasts and they may be tuned in
48:35because they wanted a business podcast
48:36and they go here go steve again talking
48:38about meditation or whatever and the the
48:41react that reaction is probably caused
48:43by
48:45the
48:45i don't know
48:46the historic kind of snobbery that
48:48surrounds spirituality it can be quite a
48:51exclusive club right and the terminology
48:54can feel very exclusive to normal people
48:56and
48:57chakras and all of this stuff in
48:58alignment it can and when words like
49:01that are said to some people who are who
49:04aren't near the middle who are very much
49:05at the other end of the spectrum they
49:07just turn off to it so if i was just be
49:10someone who's listening to this now
49:11driving in my van on my way to work this
49:13morning and i see a lot of people in
49:14their vans driving listening to the
49:16podcast um what would you say is a
49:18really good just a first step to to
49:20investigate for themselves
49:22subjectively if um meditation can can
49:26add value to their life where would they
49:27start yeah i would say that the first
49:30thing you want to do
49:31is put something in your schedule in
49:33your calendar which is time for you
49:36if you look at your schedule you would
49:38never cancel an important meeting with
49:40someone else but we don't even schedule
49:42one with ourselves there is nothing in
49:44the calendar that time with myself time
49:46for me time for you time for just
49:49this this whole thing that's going on
49:51right now literally put it in for five
49:53minutes a day it's kind of five minutes
49:54do it for two minutes a day just put it
49:56in there because if you start putting
49:58that in there you might then tomorrow go
50:00okay well what am i going to do at this
50:01time i've got five minutes wow okay what
50:03am i going to do with it so start
50:04putting it in there that's the first
50:05step the second step i would say is
50:08definitely focus on your breath i think
50:10the breath is just something we can all
50:12relate to it's tangible by the way
50:14athletes have to learn how to control
50:16their breath musicians have to learn how
50:18to control their breath whether you're
50:19adele or whether you're a football
50:21player you have to learn how to breathe
50:24in order to perform me you and everyone
50:26we're all athletes in different ways we
50:29all use our bodies we all use our minds
50:30whether you're a business person or
50:32whether you're an actual athlete playing
50:34on a on a court or a pitch but he's
50:36saying that i don't know how to breathe
50:37i am saying you don't know how to
50:38breathe yeah and not you specifically
50:39i'm saying that most people don't know
50:41how to breathe and i didn't know how to
50:43breathe until i was taught how to
50:44breathe and i know that sounds
50:46ridiculous but how many times a day do
50:48you get out of breath
50:50i know there's times of days that i get
50:51out of breath how many times of the day
50:53do you feel that when you're
50:54experiencing an emotion your breath
50:57changes
50:58like when you're crying or you're sad or
51:00you're upset your breath changes when
51:02you're happy and elated your breath
51:04changes so our breath is connected to
51:06every single emotion
51:08so if we want to navigate our emotions
51:10and our life we have to train our breath
51:13so i would just say to everyone take out
51:14two to three minutes and just take a
51:16moment to breathe in and out and breathe
51:19in for four and out for four just try it
51:21as simply as that now if you're someone
51:23who struggles to get to sleep which can
51:24often be something that i think everyone
51:26struggles with that's when you want to
51:28breathe out for longer than you breathe
51:29in so if you're breathing in for four
51:31breathe out for more than four to relax
51:33and rest your body and if you're one of
51:35these people that goes jay i've got you
51:37know i've got like you said i've got to
51:38do a delivery today i've got to run to
51:39this meeting i've got to get to this and
51:42you need more energy
51:43breathe out for less time than you
51:45breathe in so you may breathe in for a
51:47second and breathe out for a millisecond
51:49it's a really sharp breath out and if
51:51you do that you'll feel this pumping
51:52energy in your body and so to me it's
51:54these are really practical tools that i
51:56think we all need to sleep so everyone
51:57knows their meditation for sleep we all
51:59need to get energized so that's a simple
52:01meditation to energize and we all need
52:03to just feel like we're not rushing yeah
52:06so i think those are hopefully quick
52:07things that feel practical to anyone and
52:09everyone yeah i mean i'm i think my
52:11natural position on things is to be a
52:13little bit of a skeptic and i when i was
52:15in indonesia the last time i my
52:18girlfriend brought me to see a breath
52:19work coach and before we did the breath
52:21work he explained it to me and so this
52:23is this is as a logical guy like i am
52:26the explanation matters a lot yeah and
52:28he was talking to me about um how we
52:30pretty much live most of our lives these
52:32days because of the over stimulation
52:34because of the stress because of the
52:35screens in this kind of like permanent
52:37state of fight or flight and when you
52:39look at what happens in fight or flight
52:40and i studied biology i know what
52:42happens to the body um and anatomically
52:44and physically
52:45what happens to your digestive tract and
52:48i mean this is what a lot of people say
52:49when they say i'm nervous and they've
52:51lost their appetite that's your body
52:53preparing and keeping
52:55the minerals and nutrients it needs to
52:57expend energy to help you in a situation
52:59on the serengeti when a lion is running
53:01at you that's a very prehistoric innate
53:03part of our conditioning and we do live
53:05on edge
53:06our notifications run our lives and all
53:08of these things so when we think about
53:10why people might be getting a little bit
53:11more anxious day-to-day
53:13it's probably because we're living in
53:15like a heightened state or fight or
53:16flight and one of the things that
53:17happens in fight or flight as well is
53:18your breathing changes so yeah and then
53:21i think about the moments where i'm
53:22feeling a little bit stressed and one
53:24thing i've done and i might find it so
53:26funny my head went straight to new york
53:27city as i'll go i'll stop and i'll just
53:29go
53:32and whenever i do that someone turns to
53:33me and goes are you okay
53:36okay i'm fine i'm just like i am now
53:37yeah yeah yeah yeah but no i completely
53:39agree and
53:40i think it's one of those things that i
53:42think everybody's listening regardless
53:43of who you are or how
53:44much of a tough guy you are you should
53:46um definitely you're a tough guy stephen
53:49so you know well not really no not
53:51really i'm a bit soft okay you know
53:52around the edges
53:53this let's talk a little bit about fear
53:55then because we talked about that there
53:57in your book
53:58in chapter three you you talk about
54:00there being good fear and bad fear
54:03how can fear be a good thing
54:06i
54:08realized that fear
54:10could be healthy or unhealthy
54:13based on how i used it
54:16and most of us don't realize
54:19that we get consumed by fear instead of
54:21using fear
54:22so fear becomes
54:24our
54:26being in the sense that
54:28fear becomes what controls us it tells
54:30us what we should do and what we
54:32shouldn't do it tells us how we should
54:33think and we shouldn't think it stops us
54:36from doing stuff that's really important
54:38to us
54:39and it makes us do things that we would
54:41never ever do it makes us say things to
54:44people that we love that we would never
54:46want to say to them and on the other end
54:48it stops you from saying things you
54:49really want to say to someone because
54:51you don't want to appear weak and your
54:53ego won't let you sophia takes this
54:56really magnetic controlling effect on
54:58our whole lives
54:59but fear at the same time can be one of
55:02the healthiest things because it's
55:04basically giving you a signal
55:07as to what's important it's basically
55:10giving you as a signal as to how you
55:12feel and when you use it as a signal
55:15not as a
55:16suggestion or a push it changes
55:19everything so let's let's make that
55:21practical when you are in your home and
55:24if the fire alarm goes off
55:26that gives you a signal to say check for
55:28the fire check if there's a fire right
55:31now if you go oh just turn it off it
55:32doesn't matter let's let's avoid my fear
55:36let's avoid it let's just turn it off
55:38let's forget about it
55:39your house could burn down or if you're
55:41lucky there was nothing and it's fine
55:44but the odds are that there could be a
55:46fire
55:47now if you're someone who goes well let
55:48me inspect it let me be curious about
55:51that i am scared that there's a fire in
55:53my house now that i've heard the fire
55:55alarm but let me be curious let me
55:57inspect let me check
55:59imagine we approached our fear in that
56:00way imagine every time i felt scared of
56:02something i said well let me get curious
56:04about this why am i scared of this
56:06why is it
56:08affecting me so much what about this
56:10scares me is it all of it or is it just
56:13a part of it when you start doing it you
56:15start to break that fear down and that's
56:17the healthy way of looking at fear
56:19rather than the unhealthy way of saying
56:21forget about it keep it away from me i
56:23don't want to go there and so for me i
56:26really feel that
56:28fear is what blocks us from these
56:30beautiful breakthroughs in life
56:33and it has such a choke hold on us like
56:35it's such a strong hold on us and i
56:37think most of us are living our lives
56:39because we're scared of what someone
56:41will say what someone will think or what
56:44someone will do
56:46and
56:47that feels
56:48like something that we're going to
56:49regret when we're
56:50at the end of our lives well they do
56:52they do right so they interview people
56:54as you know on their deathbed and this
56:55is the number one regret of the dying
56:57your dms they must be full of people
56:59that are exhibiting exactly that
57:01behavior because i know mine are yeah a
57:03young person saying i'm in this job i'm
57:05in this relationship i it sucks but
57:09yeah fear right yes fear of change fear
57:11of uncertainty whatever it might be what
57:13do you typically say to those people
57:15that you know
57:16they hate the situation they're in but
57:18the fear is kind of imprisoning them to
57:20to into an action
57:22i think i always meet i always i'm
57:24saying this to someone on my team this
57:26morning actually i i always try and meet
57:28everyone
57:30with compassion and not judgment
57:33because i know what it feels like to
57:34experience that and i still experience
57:36that in different areas of my life so
57:38it's always there and i think if you
57:40don't meet it with compassion you can
57:42kind of say something really energetic
57:44in the moment and kind of make them feel
57:45like they've solved it but that isn't
57:47really wearing it down i think for me
57:50the first thing is to acknowledge that
57:51that fear is real to acknowledge that
57:54there potentially will be backlash that
57:56there potentially will be someone who's
57:57upset because i think often we're told
57:59oh no just do what you want and it
58:00doesn't matter and i'm like well it does
58:02matter because
58:03maybe you are a good person and you
58:04don't want someone to be upset or you
58:06don't want to let your parents down or
58:08you don't want to hurt someone right or
58:09you don't want to
58:10uh ruin your reputation by quitting your
58:13job or whatever it may be
58:14and i think it's important to
58:16acknowledge that that's real and that
58:17may happen
58:19but i think what i try and do next is
58:21say okay well let's say you didn't
58:22change anything
58:24how are you gonna feel in five to ten
58:26years
58:26and that's my favorite question to ask
58:28someone let's not change anything about
58:30your life
58:32how does it feel in five to ten years
58:34and if it feels worse
58:36than what you think it is now
58:38chances are that even if you're going to
58:40hurt someone that's probably the better
58:41way to go but if you say you're going to
58:43feel the same or better
58:45then sure just accept that and most
58:46people will say well no if i if i don't
58:48change anything if i don't get out of
58:49this my life's going to be worse but
58:51here's the other thing i think we're
58:53always conditioned to think that we need
58:56to change our situation
58:59to create a change in our life
59:01and actually with what both of us
59:04believe it's all about a change in
59:05perspective and mindset i have learned
59:08things from jobs that i hated
59:12but that are so useful to me right now
59:14i have learned things from relationships
59:16with people i've had and those people
59:19that i didn't get along with but those
59:21lessons are still serving me today i've
59:23been in countless situations where i
59:25wanted to get out that situation but
59:27that situation was perfectly designed to
59:30show me something and the problem is
59:32we're constantly trying to just move and
59:34get away and so
59:35really what i say to everyone is i want
59:37you
59:38to find out
59:39what is the perspective shift that this
59:41situation is trying to create in your
59:43life because if you take that with you
59:46that perspective is going to stay with
59:48you no matter the situation but if you
59:50just keep trying to change your
59:51environment hoping that your life's
59:53going to improve you're going to feel
59:54dissatisfied at the next place and the
59:56next place and the one after that and i
59:58feel we're just conditioned to say okay
59:59you don't like your job quit your job
1:00:01you don't like your relationship quit
1:00:02your relationship
1:00:03it's not the job of relationship it's
1:00:05the way you see it and i think we just
1:00:07keep saying that it's this external
1:00:09shell that we're in
1:00:11when it's actually this shell and what's
1:00:12happening inside of it that's defining
1:00:14all of these perspectives
1:00:16so much i mean that was a unbelievably
1:00:18beautiful answer and i'm gonna 100 still
1:00:20that answer i want you to know
1:00:22especially that five year point because
1:00:24it is a really good sort of mental um
1:00:26game to to role play um one of the
1:00:29things i was thinking when you know you
1:00:31were talking then is about a lot of
1:00:33those messages that we'll get on
1:00:35instagram wherever it might be they're
1:00:36centered in insecurity some kind of
1:00:38insecurity and because we have a lot of
1:00:40followers you significantly more than me
1:00:42and because we have a big audience what
1:00:44people will assume is that we have all
1:00:46the answers but we've got it all figured
1:00:48out and that we live our lives like
1:00:50saints and i always want to be really
1:00:51clear on this podcast that i absolutely
1:00:53do not
1:00:54so let's talk about that how about we go
1:00:56back and forward and we just say
1:00:58a couple of things we're really really
1:00:59bad at and we want to improve on whether
1:01:00they are insecurities they are
1:01:03lessons wisdom we know but we don't
1:01:05follow et cetera et cetera you please be
1:01:07my guest
1:01:11this one's been the one that the
1:01:12universe keeps teaching me so when if i
1:01:13think about this question this is the
1:01:14first thing that came to my mind
1:01:17i
1:01:19keep believing
1:01:20that i'm going to meet someone
1:01:23who's going to help me take my work to
1:01:24the next level
1:01:26and so i always have had this belief and
1:01:28i don't know where it comes from it's
1:01:29it's one of those ones that i still need
1:01:30to figure out where every year i'll be
1:01:32like oh well yeah yeah if i'm working
1:01:34with that person that person like as a
1:01:36manager or an agent or whatever it was
1:01:38like that person's gonna help me get to
1:01:40another stage
1:01:42and the universe just keeps teaching me
1:01:43every year that it's you it's you it's
1:01:45you it's you like you've gotta do it for
1:01:46yourself there's not gonna be anyone
1:01:48that comes into your life and changes
1:01:50your life but my naivety
1:01:52every year
1:01:54is to try and look for that person
1:01:56and if someone asked me and said well
1:01:58jay who's going to be that person for me
1:01:59i would tell them
1:02:01no what do you think it's you that's
1:02:02what i would say to them off the bat i
1:02:04would say to someone stop depending on
1:02:06other people stop waiting for someone to
1:02:08change your life you have to change your
1:02:09life but then in my own life i keep my
1:02:11actions show that i'm still looking for
1:02:14that so that's the first thing i'm sure
1:02:15let's go back and forth i like this yeah
1:02:16there's there's going to be plenty more
1:02:18okay so the
1:02:19loads came to mind yeah so i'll just
1:02:21i'll try and start from the top so the
1:02:22first thing that came to mind that i
1:02:24i know
1:02:26the truth upon and i would preach about
1:02:27this podcast but i find it hard to do is
1:02:30i
1:02:31still kind of impose my own bias and
1:02:33beliefs on the world onto others and i
1:02:35still loosely
1:02:37don't understand why everybody doesn't
1:02:39want to do what i want to do with their
1:02:40life so i don't understand why everybody
1:02:42doesn't want to be successful and push
1:02:45and climb the ladder and pursue
1:02:47and have nice things and build wealth
1:02:49and build an empire so sometimes there's
1:02:51this real bias in the advice i give
1:02:54people and this real kind of like
1:02:55naivety and lack of understanding that
1:02:57happiness is the north star we all have
1:02:59our own path to getting there and i can
1:03:01even exhibit that as an employer i can
1:03:04my a voice can sometimes question why
1:03:07team members might not behave with in
1:03:08the same way as me
1:03:10and it's fundamentally because again the
1:03:12north star is happiness and their path
1:03:14to being happy is not the same as mine
1:03:16and that's a really dangerous game to
1:03:17play especially when you've got a big
1:03:18platform because you'll make people feel
1:03:21inadequate for their journey to
1:03:23happiness because it doesn't resemble
1:03:24your own
1:03:25and so i really need to get better at
1:03:27understanding we all have different
1:03:28paths and if i just say to myself the
1:03:30north star is happiness and we all have
1:03:31our own ways there then i can stop
1:03:34preaching upon people or assuming that
1:03:36because they are not following my path
1:03:38they are incorrect yes
1:03:40yes i love that i think one of the
1:03:42biggest things i obviously talk about is
1:03:45asking people to take time for
1:03:46themselves and make time for themselves
1:03:50you already know where this is going
1:03:52and and i think it's really interesting
1:03:53because
1:03:55i i think i try and i think i do but i
1:03:58know that this year
1:04:00when it came to
1:04:02so i i try and take a full month off
1:04:04every year for myself and usually i go
1:04:06to india and because of covet i haven't
1:04:07been able to go for the last two years
1:04:10and i usually go and live with the monks
1:04:11again and and take part in all the
1:04:13meditations and practices for a month
1:04:15and it's one of my favorite things to do
1:04:17and i haven't been able to do it for the
1:04:18last two years so i still decided i
1:04:19would take a month off
1:04:21and
1:04:22it came and i said i would do from the
1:04:2415th of december to the 15th of jan
1:04:27and then i found out a week before that
1:04:29i kind of had to stay for an extra week
1:04:31in la for work so i delayed it and i was
1:04:33like oh i'm going to do 22nd of
1:04:35december to the to the 17th of jan
1:04:39and then i i got to london i started
1:04:41taking that break off but it was like i
1:04:42got to a point where i could see that
1:04:44i'd been delaying
1:04:46my self-care
1:04:47and i kept delaying it even by that week
1:04:49and in that week before i left i could
1:04:52tell
1:04:53that i needed a break like i needed to
1:04:55switch off and my advice to everyone is
1:04:57don't let it get to that point you've
1:04:59got to take it just before that and i
1:05:01was planning on doing that it was
1:05:03scheduled but because of commitments and
1:05:05priorities and important things i had to
1:05:07push that extra mile and
1:05:09sure
1:05:10i'm fine and i'm okay and i feel great
1:05:12but i don't think that that's
1:05:14sustainable and i think it was a
1:05:16different journey
1:05:18and and this is being honest too
1:05:20i don't think i pro i'm a proponent of
1:05:23work-life balance although it may appear
1:05:25that way so this may actually be a
1:05:26perception thing i think people may
1:05:28perceive that jay believes in perfect
1:05:30work-life balance and the truth is i
1:05:33don't i believe in purpose and purpose
1:05:36to me is being obsessed about what you
1:05:38care about and what's important to you
1:05:40and so for me what i do is my purpose
1:05:43and so i'm obsessed about it i care
1:05:44about it i love it i breathe it i live
1:05:46it
1:05:47and
1:05:48when i was building i was working 18
1:05:51hours a day
1:05:52i was
1:05:53you know
1:05:54a couple of those were meditations sure
1:05:56but then i was sleeping for six hours
1:05:58but i was working 18 hours a days for
1:06:00two to three years straight seven days a
1:06:02week and i think the perception is often
1:06:05people may feel that no jay you live a
1:06:07perfectly balanced life and i'm like
1:06:09well no no i haven't like to there's a
1:06:12different skill required to go upwards
1:06:15then stay maintain create momentum like
1:06:17it's a different gear that you're in all
1:06:19the time and so today my life is far
1:06:22more disciplined in my health and
1:06:24wellness than it's ever been before
1:06:26but there have been periods of the years
1:06:28getting here that didn't look like that
1:06:30at all if that
1:06:33thank you for sharing that yeah that's
1:06:34super valuable um my next one would be
1:06:36what you described at the tennis court
1:06:38which was
1:06:39some days especially because
1:06:41i mean these are probably everything i
1:06:43say now is probably gonna be an excuse
1:06:44but i'm gonna say it anyway but i've
1:06:45presented it as an excuse so hopefully
1:06:47that kind of is okay
1:06:48but i think i've geared my mind to care
1:06:51so much about the like being time
1:06:53efficient yes that in situations where
1:06:55things aren't moving with the efficiency
1:06:57that i
1:06:59i i demand from my business life yeah
1:07:01because you put your hand up here
1:07:02that i might because because of my
1:07:04expectations are of efficiency and speed
1:07:07when i encounter a situation maybe like
1:07:09the people that were bumbling around
1:07:10with the clipboard at the tennis court
1:07:11that you described trying to find your
1:07:13membership or whatever
1:07:15my expectation goes unmet
1:07:16frustration arrives and then i might
1:07:18compromise on the way that i behave yeah
1:07:20and that might mean being abrupt being
1:07:22too too forward with somebody or being
1:07:24too too harsh or lacking compassion in
1:07:27the way that i say something
1:07:28people don't know this about me but when
1:07:30i'm alone
1:07:31i think about this it's probably the
1:07:33number one thing i think about i reflect
1:07:34on how i treated people that day yes and
1:07:36there's been too many days in a row
1:07:37where i've gone you [ __ ] that up again
1:07:39steve yeah be better tomorrow and then
1:07:41i'll come into tomorrow the expectation
1:07:43will go in matt
1:07:44i'll be i'll become a person i don't
1:07:46want to be and i'll say to myself in my
1:07:47private time i say you [ __ ] that up
1:07:48again yeah and i've been doing that too
1:07:50much for too long
1:07:52i think we all have i mean i talk about
1:07:54in my book i had this i had this moment
1:07:56same thing as you just said i uh this
1:07:59was a couple of years ago in l.a and i
1:08:01was traveling around in in ubers and
1:08:03going here and there and getting in or
1:08:04lyft and calling one and jumping in and
1:08:06going on and i got in and i was on my
1:08:10phone and doing whatever
1:08:11and then five minutes later i realized
1:08:13we hadn't moved
1:08:15and
1:08:16and that's how consumed i was on my
1:08:18phone whether i was scrolling or texting
1:08:20or emailing
1:08:21and i said to the driver i said is
1:08:23everything okay and he said you didn't
1:08:25say hello
1:08:27and he said i said hello to you five
1:08:28minutes ago and you didn't say hello
1:08:31and i just it it was such a like
1:08:35i was late for my meeting i was late for
1:08:36a big thing what i felt terrible
1:08:39i felt so so bad and i was like
1:08:43i really want people to connect with
1:08:45everyone as a human i said i'm so sorry
1:08:47what's your name
1:08:48like like and then and he started
1:08:50driving and he wasn't trying to he
1:08:52wasn't even trying to be abrasive like
1:08:54some people say oh well that's a bit
1:08:55he's not doing this i actually don't
1:08:57think it's his fault at all i think he
1:08:58taught me such a valuable lesson because
1:09:00i was just kind of like oh yeah it's a
1:09:01service i booked it treating him like a
1:09:03robot treating him like a machine and
1:09:05yeah one day we'll have driverless cars
1:09:07and i won't have to say hello sure but
1:09:09treating a human in that way
1:09:12it i i think that goes against
1:09:14everything i stand for is that i want us
1:09:17to become more human
1:09:18and i want us to not lose our humanity
1:09:21as technology advances and i love
1:09:23technology and it's great but let's not
1:09:25lose our ability to have human
1:09:28connection which is what brings so much
1:09:30joy to our lives and so yeah i you know
1:09:33that that's one of those moments that i
1:09:34was like
1:09:35you know you're really trying to teach
1:09:36me a lesson here because
1:09:38yeah you know what this this whole back
1:09:40and forward if it's taught us anything
1:09:42it's that even people that you presume
1:09:43to to have the answers from the from the
1:09:45outside
1:09:46um in fact maybe the correct answer is
1:09:49to understand one's own faults
1:09:52understand we're all really really
1:09:54imperfect to be self-aware about those
1:09:56faults and then make a commitment to
1:09:58being better every day i think i'll die
1:10:00imperfect but trying to be better i
1:10:02don't think i'll die perfect
1:10:04and i think um i think that is maybe
1:10:07there'll probably be people that view
1:10:09the work that you do and say god he's
1:10:10got it all figured out a hundred percent
1:10:13of things and i don't so i'm inadequate
1:10:15yes i need to be jay and if i'm not jay
1:10:18then i'm inadequate i'm morally wrong my
1:10:20value's about i'm a bad person
1:10:22so that's kind of i love that i'm so
1:10:24glad i love the back and forth too i you
1:10:26know for me it's it's always
1:10:28wonderful to talk about these things and
1:10:29i think that's what our generation has
1:10:31changed in this space because i think we
1:10:34did live at a time when gurus and guides
1:10:37and coaches were revered as flawless
1:10:40perfect and you never really saw
1:10:42the behind the scenes and i think i i
1:10:44always say to my team like i'm always
1:10:45trying to i don't want i don't even want
1:10:48that pressure
1:10:49it's it's pressure and it actually stops
1:10:51you from being sincere and genuine and
1:10:54authentic and i feel that pressure
1:10:56sometimes like i feel that pressure when
1:10:58someone has a question and i need to
1:10:59rush off and i'm like i want to answer
1:11:01it but i also need to rush off and i
1:11:02feel that pressure
1:11:04and it's just
1:11:05i've realized i don't want that pressure
1:11:07like because i'm not perfect and i don't
1:11:08want to try and pretend i am or i don't
1:11:10want to have to live up to it because it
1:11:12will just let someone down and it's
1:11:14really interesting because this was
1:11:16around probably around 11 years ago now
1:11:19and this was i was mentoring before i
1:11:21became a monk when i was a monk i was a
1:11:22mentor and then i became a coach and
1:11:24whenever i took on a mentee or a coach
1:11:27coaching client or anyone the one of the
1:11:30first things i'd say to them in our
1:11:31first meeting is i just want you to know
1:11:34that i will let you down
1:11:35i just want you to know that that there
1:11:37will be something i do
1:11:39that upsets you disappoints you or lets
1:11:42you down
1:11:43if you're okay with that let's get
1:11:44started let's get going
1:11:46and i saw the amount of people that
1:11:48walked out that door really yeah there
1:11:50were people that left
1:11:51because they were expecting divinity and
1:11:53humanity
1:11:54and they were expecting perfection and
1:11:56i'm really happy that they left because
1:11:58i would never have been able to live up
1:12:00to that and i don't even want the
1:12:01pressure and so i'm really clear with
1:12:03people even now like i work with so many
1:12:05clients and that's one of the first
1:12:06things i'll say to them and you see that
1:12:08the people that stay recognize that
1:12:09because they understand they have flaws
1:12:11and we all do
1:12:12and i also took off the pressure
1:12:14especially in coaching where
1:12:16a lot of people think you can change
1:12:18their life and as an immature coach or
1:12:21therapist you may think you can change
1:12:23someone else's life
1:12:25and the more i've coached and the more
1:12:27hours i've racked up with coaching the
1:12:29more i've realized
1:12:31i don't i can't change someone's life
1:12:33i don't have what it takes to change
1:12:34someone's life i
1:12:37don't have to say something profound
1:12:38every word i say
1:12:40and not everything i say is going to be
1:12:42perfect and incredible and insightful
1:12:45and if i can let go of that i actually
1:12:48might allow something beautiful to
1:12:49happen
1:12:51actually trying to do all those things
1:12:52trying to say something profound every
1:12:54sentence trying to magically solve
1:12:56someone's problems
1:12:58trying to be perfect all of these things
1:13:00actually block something beautiful from
1:13:02happening kind of interesting because it
1:13:04very much links to what you said about
1:13:06not not putting the expectation on the
1:13:07outcome you said that earlier i'm not
1:13:09going to try and change your life today
1:13:11but let's just focus in as you said
1:13:12earlier on the process of like what we
1:13:14can do today i guess part of my point
1:13:16the first thing that came to mind there
1:13:17was
1:13:19we both write quotes and put them out on
1:13:20the internet and that kind of thing but
1:13:22i'm going to be completely honest when i
1:13:23write quotes on instagram i have no
1:13:25expectation that it's going to change
1:13:26the life of pretty much i actually don't
1:13:28think even if people agree with it most
1:13:31of them won't actually do anything
1:13:32probably over 95 maybe 99 of them
1:13:36but what does it take to have an impact
1:13:38on someone's life is it something that
1:13:39you can do as a coach or is it something
1:13:42inside them that is you're just the
1:13:44oxygen to their flame what is it
1:13:47i believe that we need different
1:13:49language different perspectives
1:13:51different faces different voices to
1:13:54connect with every person on the planet
1:13:56you're going to say the same thing
1:13:59in your own way from your own mind and
1:14:01heart and your experience and that's
1:14:02going to touch someone in a way that
1:14:04what i said can't and then i'm going to
1:14:05say something in a context that's going
1:14:07to impact someone else that your words
1:14:09may not speak to because
1:14:12i've i've heard truth again and again
1:14:14and again and again and again
1:14:16and then i hear it again last week
1:14:18and it clicks
1:14:20because i heard it from someone that
1:14:22said it in a way that speaks to the
1:14:24language of my soul that speaks to the
1:14:26language of my mind and heart
1:14:28and i think that's what's so fascinating
1:14:30about needing more voices and more faces
1:14:32and more people trying to serve but when
1:14:34you talk about what creates change in
1:14:36coaching there's there's four steps to
1:14:39making a change in someone's life it
1:14:41goes theoretical
1:14:43meaningful
1:14:45practical and applicable so most people
1:14:48when they like a post on instagram
1:14:51or maybe they comment
1:14:53that's them saying theoretically i agree
1:14:55with this and i understand it i
1:14:57understand the theory that what you're
1:14:59saying is true and i like it and i agree
1:15:02with it theoretically but that
1:15:04theoretical understanding doesn't create
1:15:06transformation that theoretical
1:15:08understanding doesn't change someone's
1:15:10life it may hit them here and hit them
1:15:12here
1:15:13the next step actually is from here to
1:15:14here which is is it meaningful to them
1:15:17so i'll give an example let's say
1:15:18someone reads a quote but they just lost
1:15:21their parent
1:15:22or they just lost a family member they
1:15:24love
1:15:26i know i've had that happen to me in the
1:15:27last couple of years i'm sure many
1:15:29people listening have
1:15:30now it's not theory it's meaningful
1:15:33because it's hit your heart it's gone
1:15:35from here to here and you're like
1:15:37okay that really resonated
1:15:39but again that doesn't change your life
1:15:41because now it's meaningful it's
1:15:43emotional it's internal but that hasn't
1:15:45changed in your action or your behavior
1:15:47so the next step is making that
1:15:49practical
1:15:50okay steven wrote that amazing quote how
1:15:53do i make that practical let me reflect
1:15:55this is the work that the coachee or the
1:15:57client needs to do okay steven presented
1:15:59it beautifully it connected with my head
1:16:01it hit my heart
1:16:03how do i actually make that practical in
1:16:04my day-to-day life i'm not stephen i'm
1:16:06not jay how do i actually practically do
1:16:08that and then finally what's the part
1:16:10that i apply and take action on so as a
1:16:12receiver of wisdom and knowledge you
1:16:15have to do half that journey
1:16:17all you can do is the theoretical and
1:16:19the meaningful and you may even help
1:16:21with practical tips and application but
1:16:23someone still has to sit there and go
1:16:25how do i do that unless you're sitting
1:16:27there with them one-on-one obviously and
1:16:28you can't do the the practical bit for
1:16:31someone else forever ever yeah you could
1:16:33maybe help them today or tomorrow
1:16:34totally not for a lifetime it's not
1:16:36going to be the fishing rod
1:16:37quick one as many of you know i've been
1:16:39trying to make my life a little bit more
1:16:40sustainable as it relates to energy ever
1:16:42since i sold my range over sport and
1:16:44bought an electric bicycle and my energy
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1:17:38over the years i've tried to kind of
1:17:40simplify what happiness is and i sit
1:17:42here with my guests and mogada was great
1:17:44at that as well yeah of course is
1:17:45unbelievable
1:17:46kind of the concept of happiness what
1:17:48are the kind of simple fundamentals that
1:17:51jay shetty requires in his life to live
1:17:54a happy
1:17:55life i'm going to use the word happy i
1:17:57know it's a shitty word in many respects
1:17:58but i just want to use that as the
1:18:00the word yeah i'd say that i look at
1:18:03happiness as
1:18:06daily habits
1:18:07and then
1:18:09deeper purpose
1:18:10so there's things you can do daily
1:18:12that keep that happiness kind of moving
1:18:14and feel it's growing and then there's
1:18:16almost the objective the compass the
1:18:19reason why you live and why you exist
1:18:22and for me
1:18:24it's been really clear that
1:18:27finding your passion and using it in the
1:18:30service of others
1:18:31is what creates the greatest deepest
1:18:33happiness
1:18:34when you find what you love what you
1:18:36excel at what you're brilliant at and
1:18:38then you can actually use that
1:18:41to improve people's lives and you can
1:18:43use that skill that passion that energy
1:18:47to make a difference in someone's life
1:18:50there is no better feeling than that and
1:18:53what i find is i meet a lot of people
1:18:54who've mastered their passion
1:18:57but not for service they mastered it for
1:18:59business they mastered it for money they
1:19:02are mastered it for success
1:19:04and they have all of that but they
1:19:05haven't got the service element in their
1:19:07life they don't understand how to use
1:19:09their passion for a purpose
1:19:12and so they feel unequipped and then i
1:19:14know lots of people are trying to serve
1:19:16or trying to make a difference or trying
1:19:17to do charity work they're trying to do
1:19:19all this good work
1:19:20and they feel good about it but they
1:19:22still don't feel fulfilled because
1:19:24they're missing what is my special role
1:19:26like what's my position what's my
1:19:29offering in this space you kind of get
1:19:31lost after a while
1:19:33and so to me happiness is where both
1:19:34come together where it's like i know
1:19:36what i love and what makes me happy
1:19:39and when i do that for others to improve
1:19:41their lives it makes them happy so if
1:19:44you can do what makes you happy and do
1:19:46it for others and it makes them happy
1:19:48that's going to give you happiness and i
1:19:50have tested that principle time and time
1:19:52again with clients with friends with
1:19:54family with myself and i've seen it to
1:19:56be true again and again and again
1:19:58but that's that bigger happiness piece
1:20:01let's go to the daily habits like the
1:20:02daily stuff and i want to try and avoid
1:20:05the stuff that i think people have heard
1:20:06and people have probably come across
1:20:08before in many different places maybe
1:20:09i've spoken about that maybe other
1:20:10people have
1:20:12but one of the biggest ones for me is i
1:20:14read a book a few years ago about flow
1:20:16state and that book really transformed
1:20:19how i felt about things
1:20:21and it talks about how being in flow
1:20:24is the intersection
1:20:26where your skills and your challenge
1:20:29match
1:20:30so if your skills are higher than your
1:20:33challenge you'll feel bored lethargic
1:20:36and maybe feel stuck
1:20:38but if your challenge is greater than
1:20:39your skills you feel overwhelmed
1:20:42potentially depressed and disconnected
1:20:44and disappointed
1:20:46so most of us are living in one of those
1:20:49discrepancies
1:20:50and i find on a daily basis i'm playing
1:20:53around with that equation for happiness
1:20:55because that flow state of when you know
1:20:58you have a skill and your challenge is
1:21:00met and even if you lose you still get
1:21:02such a joy out of it because you know
1:21:04that you're still working in the right
1:21:05direction and i think that is an
1:21:08underplayed part of happiness
1:21:10because it doesn't sound like something
1:21:11predictable or obvious because people go
1:21:13well that's achievement that's ambition
1:21:15it's actually not it's just saying
1:21:18for most people it's either or their
1:21:20challenges are greater than their skill
1:21:21or their skills greater than their
1:21:22challenge so i would ask everyone to say
1:21:24look at your life
1:21:26do you need to improve your skills or do
1:21:28you need to broaden your challenge is
1:21:30this a year of expanding your challenges
1:21:32or is this a year of broadening your
1:21:34skills and i promise you if you start
1:21:36with that you're going to get so busy
1:21:38and active
1:21:39changing one of those the happiness is
1:21:41going to naturally flow
1:21:44this comes into a little little model i
1:21:46created of creating happiness for my
1:21:48year
1:21:49and
1:21:50that one sits in one of them so i'll
1:21:51explain which one it's in
1:21:53i believe that to create happiness day
1:21:56to day in one year in one month in a
1:21:59week
1:22:00you have to have
1:22:02three things
1:22:04you have to learn something every year
1:22:06you have to launch something every year
1:22:08and you have to love something every
1:22:09year
1:22:10and that's how i've lived for the last
1:22:12three to five years every year i'm
1:22:14learning something
1:22:15every year i'm launching something and
1:22:18every year i'm loving something and i'll
1:22:20give you an example so when i talk about
1:22:22flow state
1:22:23that comes into the idea of raising your
1:22:26challenge
1:22:27is like launching something the reason
1:22:29why launching something creates
1:22:30happiness is because it creates a
1:22:32feeling of nervousness it creates a
1:22:34feeling of butterflies creates a feeling
1:22:36of excitement like i don't know what's
1:22:38going to happen we all need a feeling of
1:22:40surprise in life we all need that
1:22:42feeling of i don't know the sense of the
1:22:44unknown can actually cause happiness
1:22:48and so
1:22:49launching something is such a powerful
1:22:51way and i think too many people will
1:22:52think for five years and think for ten
1:22:55years and maybe launch one thing in
1:22:57their whole life
1:22:58and me and you but i mean i'd love to i
1:23:00can't wait to interview on my podcast
1:23:02but
1:23:03i have launched so much stuff there
1:23:06but that launch creates so much joy it
1:23:08creates so much happiness so launch
1:23:09something and we can dive into that then
1:23:10there's
1:23:11learn something which is what we just
1:23:13talked about learning a skill so that's
1:23:14the
1:23:15that's the idea of creating your flow
1:23:17state by saying what skill do i want to
1:23:18learn and every year i pick a skill
1:23:21and it's usually based on what i want to
1:23:23launch the next year so i'll go okay i
1:23:25need to learn podcasting so 2018 i
1:23:27studied podcasting 2019 we launched the
1:23:29podcast uh so what you learn turns in
1:23:32what to what you launch and what you
1:23:34launch turns into what you love
1:23:36and what we try and do is we try and do
1:23:37it the other way around we try and love
1:23:39something before we learn and launch it
1:23:42it doesn't make sense you've got to
1:23:44learn about something first
1:23:46and then you can fall in love with it
1:23:48you can't love something and then learn
1:23:50about it you can but it doesn't always
1:23:52work that way so i try and plan my years
1:23:54out in that way i go what am i going to
1:23:56learn what am i going to launch and what
1:23:57am i going to love so
1:23:59yeah i think that's how i try and create
1:24:01happiness on a daily weekly monthly
1:24:03basis without diving into things like
1:24:05gratitude and meditation which are huge
1:24:07parts of my daily happiness but i think
1:24:10those are ideas that are out there and
1:24:11that we've talked about before probably
1:24:13and you've launched a lot of stuff
1:24:14a lot of stuff and uh we're going to
1:24:17talk a little bit about some of those
1:24:18things that you've launched i mean
1:24:19you've got your your genius community
1:24:21which you which has been going for a
1:24:22long time now brilliant
1:24:24a really brilliant business and really a
1:24:26standout business in this whole industry
1:24:29in terms of the way you um executed it
1:24:31and the i mean even the design of the
1:24:34the programs and i mean i remember going
1:24:36on the website and trying to thinking to
1:24:37myself
1:24:38would i be able to make something as
1:24:40quality as this um in the future and i'm
1:24:43sort of modeling myself on that you've
1:24:45got your certification school for
1:24:46coaches as well you've launched your tea
1:24:48business and there's also
1:24:50a really i guess this is a bit of an
1:24:52exclusive your partnership with calm the
1:24:55mindfulness meditation app and i think
1:24:57they also call themselves a sleep app as
1:24:59well now i think that's a more modern um
1:25:01description of them
1:25:02so why did you partner with calm
1:25:05so michael and i uh michael is one of
1:25:08the co-founders of calm he's been on
1:25:09this podcast yes exactly yes and uh we
1:25:13we got introduced probably around
1:25:16four years ago now
1:25:18and he came over for lunch to my place
1:25:20we were
1:25:21hanging out connecting getting to know
1:25:23each other he was being told that he
1:25:26should really connect with me and i was
1:25:27being told i should connect with him and
1:25:29finally we got together so we had lunch
1:25:30in my home my wife made us this
1:25:32incredible lunch uh and we sat down and
1:25:35he brought brought a friend and i had a
1:25:37couple of people there and we just hung
1:25:38out
1:25:39and
1:25:40in that meeting
1:25:42i met someone who i really believed was
1:25:45not trying to build an app
1:25:47and i met someone who's not trying to
1:25:49build a platform
1:25:51and i met someone who was not trying to
1:25:53build technology
1:25:55he was trying to build an experience he
1:25:57was trying to build a journey for people
1:26:00to go on he was trying to build
1:26:03a practical daily habit for each and
1:26:06every single person in the world and
1:26:08that was really beautiful for me to hear
1:26:10because i'd been an admirer of calm when
1:26:13it first started out and i first heard
1:26:15about it probably
1:26:17eight years before we met and i've been
1:26:20seeing what they were doing and creating
1:26:21and to meet the person behind it and for
1:26:23them to be
1:26:24as genuine sincere and wonderful as
1:26:26michael is you've met him so you know
1:26:27what he's like
1:26:28i was really blown away by that i was
1:26:30just blown away by that vision
1:26:32and
1:26:33having spent hours and years meditating
1:26:36in the monastery and then meditating
1:26:37afterwards i've always wanted to
1:26:40share meditation at scale with the world
1:26:43i think it's
1:26:44a habit that 80 to 90 of the world's
1:26:47most healthy wealthy and successful
1:26:49people
1:26:50live by
1:26:51so if we could make it accessible
1:26:54practical and relevant to each and every
1:26:56person's daily life
1:26:58can you imagine the transformation that
1:27:00they'll have
1:27:02and i've experienced that as a monk i
1:27:03saw it in for years and years and years
1:27:05i've seen it last year during the
1:27:07pandemic i
1:27:09went live for 20 days on instagram
1:27:12and taught meditation just to everyone
1:27:13and anyone because
1:27:15i felt quite inadequate i was like i'm
1:27:17not a frontline worker i can't save
1:27:19lives i'm not a delivery person i'm not
1:27:22helping people with their groceries and
1:27:23their food i was like what can i offer
1:27:24and i thought well maybe if people can
1:27:26have
1:27:27a minute of peace and calm then then
1:27:29that might be worth it and across 40
1:27:31days i ended up doing 40 instead of 20
1:27:32across 40 days with 20 million people
1:27:34tuned in and it was just so mind-blowing
1:27:37to me and most of the people were saying
1:27:39they'd never meditated before
1:27:42and i thought to myself how beautiful
1:27:43that was and one of the biggest pieces
1:27:44of feedback i get from my audience is
1:27:46well jay we want to meditate with you
1:27:47every day
1:27:49why can't we keep doing that and i was
1:27:51like wow those 40 days of live
1:27:52meditations were really intense and a
1:27:55lot of work went into them
1:27:57so i wanted a home
1:27:59for where i could share meditation
1:28:02every single day
1:28:04a new piece of meditation insight that
1:28:06each and every single person could build
1:28:08a daily habit every day every day what
1:28:12of seven minutes a day you're gonna do
1:28:14seven minutes a day every day seven
1:28:15minutes a day every day wow five days a
1:28:17week five days a week not weekends you
1:28:18get days off yeah everyone gets two days
1:28:20off you don't have to meditate on the
1:28:21weekends you can sleep in but you're
1:28:22gonna you've recorded a meditation
1:28:24income
1:28:25for 365. we haven't recorded all again
1:28:28we haven't recorded all of them because
1:28:29they're fresh and they're moving and
1:28:30they're based on my weekly inspiration
1:28:32so we record them monthly nice so we
1:28:34record them monthly so i've recorded for
1:28:36the next month ahead because i have to
1:28:37because everyone's going to need them
1:28:38but i'm
1:28:40basing it on like what my inspiration is
1:28:42that week and what my day is that week
1:28:43but it's a seven minute meditation and i
1:28:45truly believe that everyone can find
1:28:46seven minutes
1:28:48and if everyone could just find seven
1:28:50minutes in their day in their calendar
1:28:51as i said that they put aside for
1:28:53themselves i believe in those seven
1:28:55minutes everyone could build a beautiful
1:28:57habit now the difference with our
1:28:59meditation is the meditations we've
1:29:01created we believe they're meditations
1:29:03that inspire action
1:29:05so all of them are not just sitting
1:29:07there on your own with yourself
1:29:08breathing they're interconnected with a
1:29:11change in your daily behavior so each
1:29:13and every single one of them have a
1:29:15takeaway have an insight that you can go
1:29:17and apply no matter what you do across
1:29:19the world
1:29:20so the goal is when meditation meets
1:29:22action where meditation can actually
1:29:24help you
1:29:25change how you feel that day through
1:29:27your real life and so why i chose calm
1:29:30was i wanted a home
1:29:31i wanted to work with michael and the
1:29:34team who i just believe are
1:29:36dreaming
1:29:37beautifully about how to bring
1:29:38meditation to the world and so sincerely
1:29:41and genuinely care about each and every
1:29:43person
1:29:44and i just love how
1:29:47i would say i love how universally
1:29:50they approach meditation
1:29:52i think they approach meditation in this
1:29:55universal expansive abundant mindset way
1:29:59which makes story be a part of
1:30:01meditation which makes visualization be
1:30:04a part of meditation and that's how i
1:30:05was trained in meditation as a monk so
1:30:07it feels very philosophically aligned as
1:30:09well
1:30:10you know you've done so much
1:30:11and really from what i
1:30:14observed even
1:30:15you really started in 2000 and i'd say
1:30:18the the sort of external social media
1:30:20content journey started in 2016. yes
1:30:22that is mad
1:30:23that is mad you've gone from
1:30:252016 um
1:30:27making your first content tour in 2022
1:30:30now just and you're this global
1:30:33household name as it relates to content
1:30:35self-improvement meditation all of these
1:30:37topics right that's a short period of
1:30:39time when you look back and you try and
1:30:41connect the docs as steve jobs often did
1:30:44about how apple came to be in the little
1:30:46moments and the little things whether it
1:30:48was a moment of um good fortune or
1:30:50whether it was something that you have
1:30:53spotted in hindsight in your character
1:30:56why was jay shetty successful in such a
1:30:58short period of time in such a big way
1:31:00give me the honest practical answer i
1:31:02don't want anything i want why why were
1:31:04you successful so i'm going to give you
1:31:07the i'm going to give you my monk answer
1:31:09and then i'm going to give you then i'm
1:31:10going to give the media answer so and
1:31:12and i live by both right like you have
1:31:14to you have to see things as both and
1:31:15that's why i love
1:31:16my monk answer is
1:31:18i was really fortunate to meet
1:31:20incredible people when i was young i met
1:31:23a few people that absolutely transformed
1:31:24my life
1:31:25i'm eternally indebted to them grateful
1:31:27to them and
1:31:29i owe it all to them and so i give all
1:31:30my success to them you know without
1:31:32meeting
1:31:33those amazing mentors and those
1:31:36phenomenal thought leaders and thinkers
1:31:38who are not famous who are not known who
1:31:40are not
1:31:41present like they're not they're not in
1:31:42the social media world they're not big
1:31:44names or whatever
1:31:46those people you know those people
1:31:48if i never met them none of this would
1:31:49have happened i can see that's the
1:31:51emotion in your face when you say this
1:31:52yeah i just i i really you know we we
1:31:55skipped it earlier but i i just feel
1:31:57like
1:31:58the gratitude that i have for
1:32:01people who saw potential in me when i
1:32:04didn't see it in myself
1:32:06that is just the greatest gift you can
1:32:08give to someone like i today have
1:32:10self-awareness and i have confidence and
1:32:12i know who i am and i i wasn't always
1:32:14like that like there were tons of years
1:32:17where i was insecure and
1:32:19you know i was bullied for being
1:32:20overweight and i was bullied for being
1:32:22the only indian at school and there was
1:32:24so much like baggage to do with just
1:32:26my body my how the language i used and
1:32:29all this kind of stuff and to
1:32:31to have someone notice that you may have
1:32:34something
1:32:35i mean you've had that and that is just
1:32:38you you like honor that person for the
1:32:39rest of your life and the best thing is
1:32:40those people don't even want it so you
1:32:42know the best thing about all of this is
1:32:44the people there are not going oh yeah
1:32:45we did that they're they're actually
1:32:47saying no no it's not us like it's you
1:32:49and and i think that's the beauty of
1:32:51that so i i have to say that it's
1:32:52important that i share that answer
1:32:55not because i'm trying to
1:32:57give a more strategic answer but i think
1:32:59it's important because it is a big part
1:33:01of it
1:33:02and so that would be the monks that i
1:33:03met it would be the coaches that i met
1:33:05the guys that i met looking at it from a
1:33:07very practical strategic standpoint
1:33:08shifting now
1:33:10my parents forced me to go to public
1:33:13speaking and drama school when i was 11
1:33:15years old
1:33:16and
1:33:17i really didn't want to go because i was
1:33:19shy
1:33:20i was unconfident i was insecure about
1:33:22being on stage or being in a public
1:33:23setting i actually loved acting growing
1:33:25up i really enjoyed acting and doing
1:33:26theater and things like that where i was
1:33:28playing another character but being
1:33:30myself on stage
1:33:32that was the last thing i wanted to do
1:33:33and my parents saw that and they saw
1:33:35that as something that i should work on
1:33:37so they forced me and my school to
1:33:39enroll me in a public speaking course
1:33:42so from the age of 11 through to the age
1:33:44of 18
1:33:46for three hours a day three days a week
1:33:48so nine hours a week for seven years i
1:33:51went to public speaking school really
1:33:53for seven years of my life i went to
1:33:56public speaking school
1:33:57so when i look back at my ability to
1:33:59communicate my ability to understand
1:34:00ideas and by the way public speaking
1:34:02school is examination based too so we
1:34:04had exams where they would give you a
1:34:06topic 15 minutes before you have 15
1:34:08minutes to research a topic from the
1:34:09books in the room that they give you
1:34:11because there was no smartphone at the
1:34:12time when we were 11 12 years old
1:34:14and you'd have to create a speech in 15
1:34:16minutes about that subject from the
1:34:17books that were in the room
1:34:19you had to read from a book that you'd
1:34:20never read before they'd pick a random
1:34:22page and they'd ask you to read it out
1:34:23so the examination of a public and this
1:34:25was at the london academy of music drama
1:34:27and arts it's called lambda
1:34:29and that's where i studied for seven
1:34:30years so
1:34:31that's a very
1:34:33strategic skill set that i had the time
1:34:35to develop thanks to my parents you know
1:34:37like without my parents that none of
1:34:38that would have ever happened and i
1:34:40think that's a big part of why people
1:34:42hopefully appreciate how i communicate
1:34:43ideas because i've spent a lot of time
1:34:46understanding communication
1:34:48but when i was 18 i had nothing to talk
1:34:50about
1:34:50so even though i had all these tools and
1:34:52skills i didn't really use them because
1:34:54i didn't care about anything so sure i
1:34:56gave a good presentation at university
1:34:58and work experience and an internship
1:35:00but it was never something that brought
1:35:02me to life
1:35:03and so then when i met the monks and i
1:35:05got an opportunity to study the vedas
1:35:07which are 5 000 years old and again we
1:35:10were put through rigorous study we sat
1:35:12down we had to learn verses we had to
1:35:14analyze purports commentaries on ancient
1:35:17scriptures we had to do comparative
1:35:18analysis of religions and tradition like
1:35:21when i was a monk we were massively
1:35:22trained in philosophical analysis
1:35:25and that to me gave me a real strength
1:35:27and confidence in these ideas so some of
1:35:28the ideas i present today that may sound
1:35:30simple they're based on these really
1:35:32ancient deep truths
1:35:34that i've had the time to
1:35:37grapple with with the greats who really
1:35:39understand them so that to me is a big
1:35:41benefit i've had where i've had three
1:35:43years
1:35:44of
1:35:46complete dedication to studying
1:35:48philosophy and not just studying the
1:35:51intellectual areas but the practical and
1:35:53the applicable areas as well so thanks
1:35:55to my monk teachers who gave me that
1:35:58and then when i went to accenture
1:36:00where people were like jay you're just a
1:36:02monk why did you go to accenture i had
1:36:03to pay the bills i couldn't rely on my
1:36:05parents and you know my parents are not
1:36:06wealthy that they could pay my way
1:36:08through life and i moved back into there
1:36:11i moved back into my childhood bedroom
1:36:13when i was 26 wow living with my parents
1:36:15with 25 000 18 000 pounds worth of debt
1:36:19and just feeling that
1:36:21you know i was like what do i do now and
1:36:23i applied to 40 companies
1:36:26that would have given me a job i'm a
1:36:27first class honours degree student i'm a
1:36:29straight a student
1:36:30and i was rejected from 40 companies
1:36:33because surprise surprise no one wanted
1:36:34to hire a monk so everyone goes what are
1:36:36your transferable skills sitting quietly
1:36:38and sitting on the floor like no one
1:36:40needs that so 40 companies say no to me
1:36:42accenture finally give me a shot
1:36:44and i meet someone called thomas power
1:36:47and thomas power i don't know if you
1:36:48ever met him actually he's london-based
1:36:50uh he started up like an early linkedin
1:36:52kind of version called academy and he
1:36:54was he's very networked in london in the
1:36:56business space definitely want to
1:36:57introduce you guys he's awesome uh and
1:36:59he was brought in by accenture to train
1:37:01us in social media
1:37:03and train us in in this new wave of this
1:37:05new thing that was happening
1:37:07and it's really interesting because
1:37:08we've talked about it me and him many
1:37:10times i'm going to have him on my
1:37:10podcast soon
1:37:12and i realized i was like you didn't
1:37:13really teach me much about social media
1:37:15but you really taught me about
1:37:17breaking my mindset and he would always
1:37:18repeat napoleon hill you become what you
1:37:20think about and he'd always tell me that
1:37:22i'd be like keep saying that to yourself
1:37:24and i keep saying that to myself and you
1:37:25become what you think about you become
1:37:26and then i was like oh what am i
1:37:28thinking i'm not thinking about anything
1:37:29so what am i going to become nothing
1:37:31and it was just really interesting so he
1:37:32would give me these little tools and
1:37:34little things to play with he had
1:37:35another one called
1:37:36ors which he would say that successful
1:37:39people have to be open random and
1:37:40supportive
1:37:41and he'd say that most unsuccessful
1:37:43people are closed selective and
1:37:45controlling csc and he was saying that
1:37:48when you live in a csc mindset you limit
1:37:51your growth but when you live in an ors
1:37:53mindset open random and supportive you
1:37:55expand your growth so you'd encourage me
1:37:57to be open with strangers on twitter it
1:37:59encouraged me to be open with random
1:38:00people with me at a conference and he
1:38:02was just training me in behaviors and
1:38:04mindsets
1:38:05it wasn't like how to post and what time
1:38:07to post and this is how you make it
1:38:09wasn't how to make something go viral
1:38:11like that wasn't it it was how to engage
1:38:13how to push your comfort zone how to
1:38:14challenge your fear why are you so
1:38:16uncomfortable to walk up to that person
1:38:18and tweet them you know all of those
1:38:20kind of things
1:38:21and i saw that my mind just became
1:38:24just open to the idea so he would always
1:38:26tell me you're an entrepreneur i'd be
1:38:27like no i'm not no i'm not meant to work
1:38:28for someone and so he would keep pushing
1:38:30me until i'd get really angry with him
1:38:33like you don't even know who i am
1:38:35only for me to realize he saw something
1:38:37in me that i never saw
1:38:38and then i'd say from there on
1:38:41that's kind of what gets me to the
1:38:42beginning of it i would say that for 10
1:38:45years before 2016
1:38:47i was making content and delivering it
1:38:50in small venues in london so i had an
1:38:53event in london at university called
1:38:55think out loud every single week i would
1:38:58design a poster on photoshop i taught
1:39:00myself photoshop and i'd make a poster
1:39:03and i would talk about a movie from a
1:39:05philosophical psychological and
1:39:07spiritual perspective so i take a movie
1:39:09like inception and i'd break it down and
1:39:1210 students would come every week and
1:39:13then i teach meditation which i'd
1:39:15learned from the monks and then 20
1:39:16students would come and by the time i
1:39:18finished university 100 people came
1:39:19every single week to hear me break down
1:39:22and this was no followers the events
1:39:23were free i was preparing for free doing
1:39:25everything for free and i loved it and i
1:39:28got so much joy and then afterwards when
1:39:30i was accenture i ran an event in london
1:39:32called conscious living
1:39:34and it was just a it was an event which
1:39:36was probably like five pound on a friday
1:39:38night and again i was teaching
1:39:39philosophy spirituality and meditation
1:39:42and i was lucky if five people turned up
1:39:43it wasn't university anymore where you
1:39:45could go and deck the halls with flyers
1:39:48and posters in the common room and the
1:39:49community area so we'd get like five to
1:39:51ten people every friday night paying
1:39:53five to ten quid just for the food that
1:39:55we gave and you know the posters that we
1:39:57made just to cover the costs
1:39:59so for ten years before i ever made a
1:40:00piece of content online
1:40:03i've practiced rehearsed
1:40:06experimented
1:40:08grappled
1:40:10challenged these ideas again and again
1:40:12and again and again and again
1:40:14without any followers without any money
1:40:16and without anything else coming from it
1:40:17apart from the fact that i love it i
1:40:19love the idea of reading a book and
1:40:20trying to make it relevant so i would
1:40:22say that the biggest reason is because
1:40:23i've done this for 10 years offline
1:40:26before i ever went online so i've been
1:40:28doing it for like 16 years and that
1:40:29doesn't count the
1:40:3011 year old public speaking classes
1:40:32it's really there's something really
1:40:33beautiful about that because it i think
1:40:35it gives them a sense of it's incredibly
1:40:37inspiring but it also gives a sense of
1:40:39peace to people who are at stage in
1:40:41their journey where they're sat on the
1:40:43phones in a call center selling i don't
1:40:45know double glazing like i was and
1:40:46they're thinking
1:40:48um this is a waste of time
1:40:50they're thinking picking up this phone
1:40:52and trying to persuade margaret to buy
1:40:53some windows is a waste of time and it's
1:40:56not serving my where i want to go and
1:40:58it's only in hindsight when you speak to
1:41:00people like yourself or you hear about
1:41:01steve jobs journey or really anybody
1:41:03that sits here on this podcast
1:41:05yeah like so those are some of the most
1:41:06unbelievably formative and most pivotal
1:41:08experiences as it relates to
1:41:11the thing you will go on to do and you
1:41:13never know when that's going to happen
1:41:14right you never know when
1:41:16opportunity is going to meet preparation
1:41:18in your life totally and that also
1:41:20speaks to something you said earlier
1:41:21which is it's about the mindset you have
1:41:23when you're doing those things and if
1:41:25you believe i think if you believe that
1:41:27sitting on that phone is going to be the
1:41:29rest of your life forever
1:41:30you're increasing the chances of that
1:41:32being the case and i'm not putting down
1:41:34people that do center jobs it's actually
1:41:35one of my one of my favorite and the job
1:41:37i did the longest um
1:41:40but i just think that's such an
1:41:41important mindset shift that can inspire
1:41:43and not demotivate yeah i think we have
1:41:44to look at our life as a series of
1:41:46things that add up each other rather
1:41:49than like this is a waste this is a
1:41:50waste and that's not a waste and by the
1:41:52way you said call center that sparked a
1:41:54memory i had a internship when i was 16
1:41:57years old
1:41:58at the business design center in angel
1:42:01and i was working for a company called
1:42:02upper street events that sold
1:42:05event space to companies for these big
1:42:08exhibitions and events that happened in
1:42:10the venue
1:42:11and i remember at 16 having to call up
1:42:14nissan bmw vw audi
1:42:17vauxhall etc because they're doing a big
1:42:19car exhibition now by the way i was a 16
1:42:21year old kid
1:42:22who didn't really know i was doing but
1:42:24the people trained me really well and i
1:42:26would i was cold calling and i
1:42:28completely agree with you i think that
1:42:30gave me so much confidence to be able to
1:42:32pick up the phone to anyone and everyone
1:42:33to tweet anyone and everyone to dm
1:42:36anyone and everyone by the way cristiano
1:42:38ronaldo has the longest list of dms from
1:42:40me that he's never seen right he has the
1:42:42longest list of dm's for me that he's
1:42:44never seen but i'm hoping that one day
1:42:45he's going to see them and i'm going to
1:42:46get to interview him and it's the idea
1:42:48of like i don't i'm not worried if he
1:42:50doesn't see them i'm not upset if one
1:42:52day he sees 30 dms from me
1:42:54because i know that that's what it takes
1:42:56and i'm okay with that there's no ego
1:42:57there i'm so happy if christina went out
1:42:59to open it up and saw oh this guy's
1:43:01desperate
1:43:02i would take that all day because i
1:43:04think he's a i think he has a phenomenal
1:43:06mind and i would love to sit down with
1:43:08him what did you lose
1:43:09what did you lose right but that comes
1:43:11from when you're cold calling in the
1:43:12call center
1:43:13you learn that mindset of what did i
1:43:15lose if this person said no
1:43:17and there's 300 people on this list
1:43:19and that person might be the one that
1:43:21wants it now and that person might come
1:43:22back around and you get to develop those
1:43:24skills so
1:43:26i just i just hope that wherever you are
1:43:28listening to this right now wherever
1:43:29you're watching it
1:43:31you just take a moment to realize that
1:43:32that place can teach you everything you
1:43:35need to know about your purpose and if
1:43:36you just approach it in that way you're
1:43:38going to walk to work with a pep in your
1:43:40step and like this energy that's going
1:43:42to be so electric and so magnetic that
1:43:44everyone's going to know what's going on
1:43:46with you and all it is is that you're
1:43:47looking at life as an addition rather
1:43:49than a subtraction and you'll receive in
1:43:51a completely different way right correct
1:43:53yeah we have a long-standing tradition
1:43:55on this podcast um where the previous
1:43:57guest writes a question for the next
1:43:58guest in the diary that's genius
1:44:01i love that new addition
1:44:03the reason why we did it and i've never
1:44:04really explained this is we want to
1:44:06basically connect
1:44:07the the episodes together and the guests
1:44:09together in some way and doing that
1:44:11by a question written in the diaries our
1:44:13way um
1:44:14who came up with that great idea it's
1:44:16brilliant it's absolutely fantastic i'm
1:44:17going to tell my team
1:44:25it's funny because this question is
1:44:26actually one i think i asked you already
1:44:28so you can ask me another one if you
1:44:30want you can pick a pick a random one
1:44:31yeah i can just make one up no um so the
1:44:34question asked what is your
1:44:36definition
1:44:38of true
1:44:40success
1:44:49i'd say my definition of true success
1:44:52is that
1:44:56there are four important decisions we
1:44:58make in our life
1:45:00and if you can make every
1:45:02decision intentionally
1:45:06with the desire to
1:45:08learn and serve
1:45:10then that's all you can do
1:45:12so the four most important decisions we
1:45:13make in our life are how do i feel about
1:45:16myself
1:45:19what do i do for money
1:45:22who do i give my love to
1:45:24and how do i serve others
1:45:27and if you spend your life focusing on
1:45:29intentionally making those choices
1:45:32then your life is a success
1:45:34because all you can do is try to live
1:45:35intentionally and
1:45:37try to hope that it helps other people
1:45:40amen
1:45:41listen jay i can't thank you enough for
1:45:43coming here and doing this um i know you
1:45:45are a very in demand very um a very very
1:45:48successful man who's who's only in the
1:45:50uk for a short period of time so it's a
1:45:51true honor that you would come here and
1:45:52sit with me and have this conversation
1:45:53for me you've been a real role model in
1:45:56many many ways and you know you've led
1:45:58the way in the the content the
1:46:00self-development the helping people
1:46:02change their lives domain especially as
1:46:04someone that comes from the same country
1:46:05as me for the longest time so i've
1:46:07always looked looked at you for the last
1:46:08i don't know seven years since i've i've
1:46:10started doing this and i think your
1:46:11success has propelled and enabled mine
1:46:14from a point of inspiration but also
1:46:16from giving me a blueprint on how to
1:46:17serve so i've never got to say that to
1:46:19you before but i really want to say
1:46:20thank you because that's um you know
1:46:21you've helped you're probably the reason
1:46:23i get to help people as well in my own
1:46:24way so that means you know it means a
1:46:26ton to me that you would come here and
1:46:27sit with me and uh yeah it's just thank
1:46:30you that is probably one of the most
1:46:31humbling things anyone's ever said to me
1:46:32because i'm a huge fan of the podcast i
1:46:35think you do an incredible job and i
1:46:37think you have some amazing guests
1:46:38guests that i've never sat down with or
1:46:41you know may not be in my ra
1:46:43my radar or radius and you've
1:46:45shared things with them that have just
1:46:46been phenomenal
1:46:47and so when i'm listening and watching i
1:46:49want to get my haircut yeah i was
1:46:50talking to my um hairdresser about you
1:46:52and i was like i'm going this podcast
1:46:54tomorrow and and you know and he and he
1:46:55listens to you as well and knows who you
1:46:57are
1:46:58and
1:46:58and i was just like yeah and the the
1:47:00easiest thing that came back to me was
1:47:02just yeah stephen's a really nice guy
1:47:03like he's really down to earth he's
1:47:04really humble and i find that phenomenal
1:47:06because of your age because of what
1:47:08you've achieved
1:47:10i've never felt like even
1:47:14a drop of ego around you
1:47:17and whether that's in your online
1:47:19presence whether that's when we met in
1:47:21new york whether that's on twitter all
1:47:22those years ago whether it's today
1:47:25before we're on camera
1:47:26and and i really appreciate that i think
1:47:28as monks we were trained
1:47:31that the most
1:47:33admirable quality in a human is humility
1:47:35like that was seen as like the the if if
1:47:38we could say that in the material world
1:47:39the highest thing about someone is
1:47:41whatever it is
1:47:43the currency in monk life was humility
1:47:45and so when i meet people who have
1:47:46humility i really they're like my
1:47:49they're like the people that i get drawn
1:47:50to the most
1:47:51and and you just have it in bags for and
1:47:53i i just think you're
1:47:54gonna go off and do
1:47:56even more incredible successful
1:47:57phenomenal things for the world and i'm
1:47:59excited to watch i'm excited to be a fan
1:48:02a friend
1:48:03and hopefully we get to do stuff
1:48:04together too but uh this was beautiful
1:48:06man thank you so much thank you thank
1:48:07you for having me i wanted to come on
1:48:09this is this is beautiful this is
1:48:10brilliant i hope we hope we do it more
1:48:11and i can't wait to have you one i'm
1:48:12very excited
1:48:14now that you're coming to l.a
1:48:15we're gonna have you on it's gonna be
1:48:16amazing
1:48:19[Music]
1:48:26[Music]
1:48:31[Music]
1:48:38[Music]
1:48:42you

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