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It’s easier to be single when you’re in love with your life. — Transcript

by Andriana Nik · 4,336 words · 648 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00Most people assume that as soon as
0:02[music] they finally get into their
0:04dream relationship with their dream
0:05partner, their life will [music] finally
0:09begin, that they will finally finally
0:12feel whole, that they will finally feel
0:14[music] complete, and that they will
0:17finally feel like they have found that
0:19missing piece that they have been
0:22looking for, they have been searching
0:23for all their lives. But here's the
0:25ironic part. You know the saying that
0:27love finds you when you're not looking
0:29for? Well, [music] that saying is often
0:31true. And I don't think that is because
0:32the universe then magically [music]
0:34decides that now it's your turn. But I
0:37think it's because love finds you when
0:40you have already built a life that feels
0:42full even without it. When you are
0:45already in love with [music] your life,
0:46when you are already having fun. When
0:49you are already feeling whole. when a
0:52relationship becomes [music] something
0:54that you desire and not something that
0:56you depend on. Hi guys, I'm Andrea.
0:59Welcome back to my channel. Today we're
1:01speaking about the lesson that literally
1:02[music] changed my life. The lesson that
1:05it took me many years to realize, but
1:07once it finally [music] clicked and when
1:09I finally integrated it, I saw the
1:12biggest change in my love life. And that
1:14was the lesson that [music] it is easier
1:16to be single and to attract as a healthy
1:20relationship when you are already
1:22[music] loving your life. So let's get
1:25into it. When I was younger, I [music]
1:27spent so many of my single years
1:30romanticizing relationships [music] and
1:32romanticizing the idea of being in one.
1:34So to me, being in a relationship meant
1:37that someone was finally [music] there
1:39to experience life with me. I genuinely
1:42believed that my life will suddenly
1:44become more meaningful simply because
1:48someone else [music] was there to
1:50witness it. And looking back, I realized
1:52that I was outsourcing the meaning of my
1:56own life to someone who didn't [music]
1:58even exist yet to the idea of someone.
2:00And I was waiting for someone [music]
2:02else to come and give me permission to
2:05fully live my life. So what happened is
2:08[music] that I spend years comparing
2:10myself. Spend years waiting for love,
2:12obsessing over dating and [music] trying
2:14to understand the rules of the game or
2:17how to do it. Feeling left behind and
2:20romanticizing relationships [music]
2:22and of course thinking that happiness
2:24was somewhere in the future where I will
2:26have the relationship [music] and where
2:28I will have the partner. It took me a
2:31long time to realize [music] one lesson
2:34that completely changed my life. And not
2:37only did it allow me to eventually
2:39[music] attract a relationship from a
2:41place of security instead of a place of
2:44neediness, but it also gave me
2:46permission to finally [music] start
2:48enjoying my life exactly where I was
2:52instead of waiting for some future
2:54version of it to [music] arrive. So the
2:56lesson was this. As long as you're
2:58waiting for someone else [music] to come
3:00into your life to make it exciting, to
3:03make it meaningful, to make it
3:04enjoyable, you will never learn how
3:06[music] to create those feelings on your
3:08own. You will always be outsourcing your
3:11own happiness. Honestly, you will always
3:14be outsourcing your own life. And if you
3:15think about it, if [music] someone else
3:17is responsible for making your life
3:20exciting, then every day that they are
3:23not [music] doing it, it automatically
3:25feels like a day that your life hasn't
3:28really [music] started. It hasn't really
3:31begun. And so this is dangerous because
3:33without realizing it, I had turned my
3:36present [music] into a just a waiting
3:38room for my future. I was constantly in
3:41a place of waiting [music]
3:43for my future to begin. And then I
3:45slowly started asking myself questions
3:48and I got into a question that really
3:50changed [music] everything. And that was
3:51the question of what exactly am I
3:54waiting for? Why was I waiting to
3:56[music] fully enjoy my life? Why was I
3:58waiting to romanticize it? Why was I
4:01waiting to [music] start creating
4:03memories? Why was I waiting to become
4:05the main character of my own story?
4:07[music] Why was I giving so much power
4:10over today's happiness to someone that I
4:13haven't even met yet, [music] to someone
4:14that I haven't even got to know yet? And
4:18honestly, that's when it finally [music]
4:21hit me. When I finally saw what I was
4:24doing so clearly, I finally [music]
4:26understood that I don't need someone to
4:28come into my life before I'm allowed to
4:30start living [music] it. I saw that I
4:33need permission from myself that I can
4:35start romanticizing my life right
4:37[music] now. That I can make my ordinary
4:40simple days feel beautiful now. And that
4:44I can fill my life with experiences,
4:46[music] with adventures, with
4:48friendships, with hobbies, and with
4:50moments that make me genuinely [music]
4:52excited to wake up every morning. One
4:54day I asked myself something that
4:55genuinely changed everything for me and
4:58that was the question of what exactly am
5:01I waiting [music] for? Why was I waiting
5:03to fully enjoy my life? Why was I
5:06waiting to romanticize it? [music] Why
5:08was I waiting to start creating
5:10memories? Why was I waiting to [music]
5:12become the main character of my own
5:14story? Why was I giving so much power
5:17over today's happiness to someone
5:19[music] that I haven't even met yet? And
5:21honestly, I think that's when it really
5:23hit me that I don't need someone. I
5:27don't need [music] someone to come into
5:29my life before I'm allowed to start
5:31living it. I can romanticize my life
5:33now. [music] I can make ordinary days
5:36feel beautiful now. I can fill my life
5:40with experiences, with [music]
5:41adventures, with friendships, with
5:43hobbies, and with moments that make
5:46[music] me genuinely excited to wake up
5:48every morning. Why was I waiting for
5:50someone else [music] to come into my
5:52life to do that? Because why am I really
5:55waiting? [music] I honestly think that
5:56this is a false narrative that so many
5:58of us were fed growing up. Think about
6:02almost every romantic movie or every
6:05romantic TV show that [music] you've
6:06watched growing up. The exciting part of
6:09the girl's story usually begins when the
6:12guy enters her life. [music] He becomes
6:14the adventure. He becomes the plot. and
6:16he becomes the [music] reason that her
6:19life suddenly feels so exciting and so
6:21alive and so adventurous. It's not
6:24really surprising that so many of us
6:26grow [music] up believing that this is
6:29exactly how real life works, too. we
6:31come to the conclusion that that our
6:33storyt [music] begins when someone
6:35chooses us. That we're finally worthy of
6:37taking up space when someone validates
6:40[music] our existence. That our life
6:43finally becomes exciting [music]
6:45when someone else walks into it. So, no
6:48wonder so many women feel like they are
6:50in between chapters while they're
6:52single. But I feel thankfully more and
6:56more women are waking [music] up to
6:57these. The more time women spend on
7:00their own, the more they come out of
7:01this illusion and they realize [music]
7:03the most freeing realization that fun
7:06doesn't exclusively belong [music]
7:08inside a relationship. Neither does love
7:10and neither does fulfillment. They start
7:12to realize that you don't need a
7:14relationship to become [music] the main
7:16character of your own story because you
7:19already are. What a relationship does is
7:21[music] that it simply introduces
7:23another character. So when I finally had
7:25the realization myself that [music] my
7:28life could have meaning that my life
7:30could have joy, adventure and
7:32fulfillment simply because of me and
7:35simply of of how [music] I decided to
7:38handle my life and how I created my
7:40life. It completely changed the way that
7:43[music] I also approached love and how I
7:46approached relationships. It completely
7:49took [music] them off the pedestal and
7:52it just completely set me free. And this
7:54also led me to another [music] big
7:56realization. It led me to a realization
7:58that relationships [music] are not a
8:01need. But it's a nice addition. And this
8:04is a huge difference because when your
8:06life already feels full, you stop
8:08looking for someone to come in to
8:11complete it. You feel that fullness,
8:13that wholeness of your life on your own.
8:16You feel like [music] your life has
8:17meaning and has purpose, has excitement,
8:20adventure, fun on your own. So what
8:23happens then is that you start looking
8:25for someone [music] who compliments. And
8:27that means not just anyone gets access
8:30to the life that you worked so [music]
8:32hard to build. That limits the amount of
8:35people that they have access to enter
8:37your life. Because you've already
8:39created something beautiful. Why would
8:41you allow just anyone [music] to walk
8:42into it and have access to that? We're
8:45only doing that when there's scarcity
8:46[music]
8:47and fear that there's not enough that
8:50what we're going to find that we don't
8:53want to be alone and therefore [music]
8:54I'm just willing to accept anyone in my
8:56life to make sure that they give some
9:00meaning to it because [music] I can't
9:02find that a bit of a meaning on my own.
9:04So when you switch to that, whoever
9:07enters your life now has to add [music]
9:10to it. It's not to just take away from
9:12it and you just give, give, give. So
9:15that realization removed so [music] much
9:17of the neediness that I honestly didn't
9:19even realize that I was carrying and how
9:21much pressure [music] I was
9:23subconsciously subconsciously bringing
9:25to my dating and to my relationships
9:28because before every [music] person that
9:31I met subconsciously felt like they had
9:34the potential [music] to save me from my
9:36single life. they had the potential to
9:38be the one that might be that might take
9:42me away from this miserable experience.
9:44[music]
9:45So that's a lot of pressure to place on
9:48another human being. But once I stopped
9:51needing [music] someone to rescue me, it
9:53just freed so much of that energy and
9:56allowed [music] dating to become so much
9:59lighter without any burdens, without any
10:01expectations, without [music] any
10:03pressure, without any scarcity. And that
10:06was because I wasn't secretly trying to
10:09make every connection become a
10:11relationship. [music]
10:12I wasn't trying to control where things
10:14were going. I was able to finally
10:17[music]
10:17be detached. I wasn't rushing the
10:20process and I was [music] simply getting
10:22to know another human being and asking
10:25myself one simple question. Does this
10:28person actually [music] add to the life
10:30that I have already fallen in love with?
10:34If they add, if they complement it, if
10:36they align and they [music] are on the
10:38same wavelength, then great. But if they
10:41withdraw, if they take away, [music]
10:44then what I've spent so much time
10:46building is way more valuable and worthy
10:49to me [music] than just having anyone in
10:51my life to fill that gap. There was no
10:54longer a gap to fill. So [music]
10:56that person didn't become a need. And
10:59that's the shift that changes every
11:01decision that you make after. [music]
11:03Because when you already know that your
11:06life is beautiful with or without them,
11:09you're not really afraid of losing them.
11:11[music] So what happens is that it frees
11:13a lot of your energy. You stop chasing.
11:16You stop forcing. You stop trying to
11:18convince people to choose you. And
11:20instead [music]
11:21you are quietly observing. You're
11:24observing [music] whether they are
11:26someone you actually want to choose.
11:28whether you like [music] them, whether
11:31you align with them, whether you want
11:33them and not whether they like you and
11:36want you so you [music] so they approve
11:39of you to come into your life. One of my
11:41favorite realizations [music] was this.
11:43It was the realization that the magic
11:45that I was looking for in another person
11:48to bring, they never really belonged to
11:50[music] them. It never really came with
11:52them. It belonged to the feelings that I
11:55imagine I will experience with them. So
11:58I was the one that was creating [music]
11:59those feelings for myself and I was just
12:02simply attaching them to that person.
12:04[music] So instead of waiting for
12:06someone else to create those feelings
12:09for me, I started creating them myself.
12:12Because once you become the magician in
12:14your own life, you stop [music] relying
12:16on clowns for cheap tricks that are only
12:19going to keep you entertained for a
12:21[music] moment. So now, how do you
12:24actually do this? For me, the way it
12:26started was with [music]
12:28permission. The moment that I realized
12:31that I don't need someone [music] to
12:33save me from my single life. I gave
12:36myself permission to enjoy it, I took
12:39[music] away the power from them and I
12:41gave it to me. And once I gave myself
12:43that permission, I suddenly became aware
12:46of all of the possibilities that
12:48honestly they had been sitting [music]
12:50in front of me the whole time. Once I
12:53took radical responsibility [music] and
12:55accountability of my own happiness, of
12:57my own fulfillment, of my own enjoyment,
13:00I saw all of the things that [music] I
13:01could do to create that for me. So what
13:04I did was I started following my
13:06intuition [music] more. I was doing more
13:08of the things that genuinely brought me
13:11joy, the things that I knew that brought
13:13me personal joy. I [music] was trying
13:15new experiences. I was spending time
13:17with people who made me feel alive. I
13:21started romanticizing the ordinary small
13:24moments. [music]
13:24I started being so grateful for what
13:27already existed instead of like focusing
13:29and obsessing over what was missing. And
13:32I [music] stopped trying to force my
13:34life into looking a certain way. I
13:37finally was able to [music] detach. I
13:40was able to let go of control. And I
13:42trusted that my life wasn't on pause. It
13:45wasn't on waiting mode. [music] It was
13:48already happening. It was already being
13:49created. And ironically, I [music] think
13:52that's exactly why relationships become
13:55healthier because
13:58you're no longer asking another [music]
14:00person to carry that impossible task,
14:03that impossible [music] responsibility
14:05of making your life meaningful. You are
14:09simply inviting them into a life that
14:11already is. [music] A big misconception
14:14is that love is going to give you life.
14:17It's [music] going to give you meaning.
14:19Love isn't supposed to give you life.
14:21It's just supposed [music] to meet you
14:22in one. You have already fallen in love
14:25with. It's not loves and a
14:27relationship's responsibility to make
14:29you love your [music] life. And
14:31honestly, the biggest reward of this
14:34entire shift wasn't just that [music] I
14:37fell in love with my own life. It was
14:40what it allowed me to bring into my
14:42relationship and the energy that I was
14:44in [music] when I started dating. So
14:46around 4 years ago when I started dating
14:49my boyfriend, there was genuinely no
14:52pressure [music]
14:53in my mind or in my heart. I wasn't
14:55trying to make it become something or
14:57rushing it to define where it was going.
14:59[music] I was so detached that I simply
15:03allowed it to unfold naturally while I
15:05was remaining fully present and in the
15:08moment. And that [music] was the biggest
15:11gift for myself and my relationship
15:14because it [music] made the beginning of
15:16our relationship feel so light, feel so
15:19fun, so effortless, so open to
15:21possibilities, so bubbly, so [music]
15:23exciting instead of feeling anxious or
15:26rushed and full of questions and doubts.
15:28[music]
15:29Because in my head, I was like, why
15:31would you be in a hurry to make someone
15:34[music] your someone when you already
15:37know your life is amazing? when you
15:39already know your life is [music]
15:40beautiful and fulfilling with or without
15:42them. And you know how people say like
15:44the beginning of a relationship is the
15:46best part is the honeymoon. [music]
15:48Why would you want to rush and fast
15:50forward? One of the best parts of your
15:53relationship where you're going to look
15:55back to [music] and look with so much
15:58nostalgia. When you're already in love
16:00with your life, dating stops being about
16:03trying to [music] secure someone. It
16:04becomes about simply discovering whether
16:08[music] they are someone who genuinely
16:10adds in the life that you have already
16:12built. [music] Whether they're someone
16:13who genuinely connects, aligns, and
16:17matches with who you are. These are the
16:19[music] mindset shifts that completely
16:22changed the way that I experienced my
16:24own life. The first one was that I
16:26stopped making my relationships my
16:29source of aliveness.
16:31>> [music]
16:31>> We need to realize that we are not
16:32really craving a partner. What we're
16:35craving is adventure, [music] is
16:36excitement, is intimacy, is a novelty,
16:39is purpose, [music] and is laughter. The
16:42mistake that we've done is that we have
16:44attached all of those feelings to
16:47relationships or [music] to a
16:48relationship. So, this makes us realize
16:51that I wasn't really missing a
16:53relationship. I'm was missing those
16:56emotions. So if that's what I'm really
16:58craving, [music]
16:59why do I have to wait for a relationship
17:02to provide that for me when I [music]
17:04actually can add those emotions in my
17:07life in other ways? You can have
17:09laughter [music] not only through a
17:11relationship, you can have it with
17:12friends, with family, with literally
17:15[music] yourself. So if you take it with
17:18any of those emotions that you're
17:19looking for to add into your life, you
17:22[music] can find how many other ways are
17:24out there where you can create those
17:26emotions for [music] yourself and add
17:28them into your life. The second thing
17:29you need to do is that you need to build
17:31a life that [music] you do not want to
17:34escape from. Here you'll need to ask
17:37yourself, if my soulmate arrived
17:39tomorrow, what life would I [music]
17:41actually be inviting them into? There
17:44are so many things that you can add into
17:46your life that will create a life that
17:48you're [music] in love with. Things like
17:51hobbies, routines, friendships, [music]
17:54passions, goals, travel, creativity.
17:58[music]
17:58A relationship really should just
18:00complement your life and not become it.
18:02There's so [music] many other aspects of
18:05life that can contribute and create a
18:08life that [music] you are in love with.
18:09The third point is that you need to stop
18:12postponing your life. And this is really
18:14huge [music] and was really huge for me
18:16to understand as well because most of us
18:19we think [music] that okay I will travel
18:21when I have the partner so we can travel
18:23together and we can remember our time
18:25together [music] or I'll decorate my
18:27apartment and I will make changes when I
18:29have a partner. I'll go to that
18:31restaurant when [music] I have I'm in a
18:33relationship and we celebrate something.
18:36I will take photos when I have a partner
18:38to [music] take photos with. I will
18:39dance when I have a relationship and my
18:42partner asks me to dance. I will feel
18:44alive when [music] I finally am in a
18:47relationship and I find my dream
18:49partner. So instead [music]
18:52become someone who says that why am I
18:55waiting? What am I waiting for? [music]
18:58Life is literally happening right now.
19:00And presuming that a relationship will
19:02come and [music] will save you is a big
19:04assumption. What if it takes years for
19:07that relationship to come? Does that
19:09mean that those years will be devoid of
19:13happiness, [music] fulfillment, passion,
19:15laughter, and fun? Just whatever there
19:18is that amount of [music] time where
19:20you're going to be without a
19:21relationship, being single, being with
19:24yourself, make it fun, make it worth it
19:27[music] because at the end of the day,
19:29it's still your life. And when you're
19:31looking back at that part of your life,
19:33that life will have happened. So why do
19:35you want it to have be looking back to
19:38that [music] part of your life and
19:39feeling that part of your life was
19:41meaningless and devoid of love and
19:43[music] meaning and passion and laughter
19:45and enjoyment when you will be able to
19:48see at that [music] age that you could
19:50have done something different about it.
19:53Point four is to romanticize [music]
19:55your own life. And I know this is so
19:57cliche and everyone is talking about it.
19:59Romanticize [music] your life,
20:00romanticize your life. But I don't mean
20:02it in the cliche way. I did it by
20:05[music] starting to noticing the beauty
20:07that is all around you. I'm a person
20:10that is really influenced by my
20:12environment, by [music] textures, by
20:14music, by smells, by what I taste. So,
20:18what I did is that I started enjoying
20:21those [music] simple like fully going
20:23into my senses and fully enjoying and
20:26romanticizing the [music] things that
20:27make me feel more connected to my
20:30ordinary life. And I saw the beauty in
20:32it. I saw it through like those slow
20:34mornings where [music] I didn't have to
20:36rush myself and I was fully present with
20:38me with flowers, with cooking [music]
20:40myself a nice home-cooked healthy dinner
20:43with coffee or matcha whatever like you
20:46love with sunsets with walking walks in
20:50nature [music]
20:51by the beach with music with
20:53conversations with creating or with even
20:57[music] creating memories with friends
20:59and with loved ones. So these are just
21:01an example of ways where you can start
21:04romanticizing [music] your life. There's
21:06so many other thousands of ways where
21:08you can do that based on who you are and
21:11[music] what you like doing and what you
21:12like surrounding yourself with. And when
21:14you start romanticizing your life,
21:17[music] you instantly stop waiting for
21:19someone else to create those meaningful
21:22moments because you already do that. You
21:25already do that [music] in your everyday
21:27life. So they don't come into your life
21:29and completely change it and they make
21:32it feel like it's uh a change of 180 but
21:35it feels like oh yeah like I already
21:38[music] had that before but like this is
21:40a different type of addition. Point five
21:43was needing to realize what secure
21:45people know. Secure [music] people don't
21:48need relationships to regulate their
21:50happiness. They don't want relationships
21:52to regulate their nervous system. Yes,
21:55they want love. Everybody wants love.
21:57It's not about denying [music] our
21:59desire for love. But becoming secure
22:02means that you aren't emotionally
22:05surviving [music] or depending on
22:07whether you have love. And that is a
22:09massive difference. When you feel your
22:11nervous system being completely [music]
22:13disregulated and completely being on
22:16survival because you don't have love,
22:19then [music]
22:20you your emotional survival is dependent
22:23on another person and that makes you
22:25attached [music] in one way or another.
22:27When you are most importantly able to
22:30not emotionally rely on someone else
22:33[music]
22:33to be that person to regulate you,
22:36regulate your emotions, [music] your
22:38survival state, then you are able to be
22:42in relationships and be in love for a
22:45[music] complete different reason rather
22:46than need. But it's as we said a want.
22:50is not a survival need anymore, [music]
22:52but is your your baseline is already
22:55satisfied with yourself. And ironically,
22:59this is usually when dating becomes
23:01[music]
23:02so much easier because you are no longer
23:05dating [music] from the place of I
23:07needing someone. Oh my god, I can't be
23:09alone. But you're [music] doing that.
23:11You're dating from a place where you are
23:14thinking that I already love my life. my
23:16[music] life is already so full and so
23:18complete and so amazing. And that is
23:21huge because it removes pressure, it
23:23removes anxiety, it removes the feelings
23:26of [music] scarcity and pedestalizing
23:28people. If you're in a place where
23:30you're doing that, this is your sign
23:32that there's [music] something that
23:33needs to change. So the goal isn't to
23:36convince yourself [music] that you don't
23:38want love, that love is for needy
23:40people, that love is something that if
23:42you have in your life is [music] bad or
23:44if something that you want in your life
23:46is bad. The goal here is to build a life
23:49that is so full that love becomes
23:52[music] something that you get to share.
23:54Something that your glass is already
23:56full that you be able to share and not
23:58it's not empty that you need from
24:01[music] someone else to fill in your
24:02glass. is not something that you're
24:04waiting for to finally begin leaving.
24:07It's not something that you need for
24:10someone [music] to come and take you
24:11from surviving to finally thriving. It's
24:14something you can offer to yourself. And
24:17by denying that, [music] taking that
24:19accountability and responsibility for
24:21yourself, you are giving your power
24:23away. You are denying yourself one of
24:25the most freeing [music] experiences a
24:28human being can can have. And that is
24:30the experience of [music] wanting love
24:33without needing love. Of having love
24:35being something that is a beautiful
24:37addition to your already beautiful
24:40fulfilling life. So yeah, that's it for
24:42today guys. [music] Thank you so much
24:44for being here and listening. If you've
24:46watched this video and this resonated
24:48with you and you have questions [music]
24:50or you want help with this, you can
24:52always contact me. You can always reach
24:54out to me [music] either through
24:56Instagram or through the link below
24:58where you can book a session with me.
25:00You can book a discovery call with
25:02[music] me to finally help you get to
25:04where you want, becoming free in love
25:07instead [music] of bound to love, in
25:10need of love. And yeah, thank you so
25:13much for being here. I appreciate you.
25:15[music] And stay tuned for more. I'll
25:17see you on the next one.

About this transcript

This page contains the full transcript of It’s easier to be single when you’re in love with your life. by Andriana Nik, generated from the public captions YouTube serves with the video. The transcript has 4,336 words across 648 segments, with the original timestamps preserved so you can click any line to jump to that moment in the embedded player.

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