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it really was the damn phone: i stopped scrolling and remembered who i was — Transcript

by Nika Erculj · 2,682 words · 412 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00A few days ago I checked my screen time
0:01and did the math. At 4 hours a day, by
0:04the end of this year, I'll have spent
0:05the equivalent of 61 full days looking
0:08at a screen. Over the next 10 years,
0:10that becomes almost a year and 8 months.
0:12And if I'm lucky enough to live until
0:13around 85 and nothing changes,
0:15>> [music]
0:15>> I could spend almost 10 years of my
0:17remaining life this way. Years. Whole
0:20pieces of my life that I'll never get
0:22back disappearing so gradually that most
0:24days I don't even notice they're gone.
0:26But somehow that still isn't the part
0:28that scares me most because time isn't
0:30the only thing we're giving away. What
0:32scares me is what's filling it. Every
0:34day I absorb hundreds of other people's
0:36faces, thoughts, [music] opinions,
0:38desires, homes, relationships, bodies,
0:40fears, tastes. Before I have time to
0:42wonder what I think, there's already
0:44something else to think about. Before I
0:46know what I want, I've been shown a
0:48thousand things I could want. And
0:50somewhere inside all of that noise, I
0:52think something very quiet happens. You
0:54can stop noticing what came from you,
0:56what you actually like, what you would
0:58have thought about if nobody interrupted
0:59the thought, [music] what you might have
1:01made if you hadn't spent the evening
1:02watching other people make things, and
1:04who you are when all of that noise
1:06finally goes quiet. We talk a lot about
1:09social media stealing our attention, but
1:11I'm starting to wonder if it's taking
1:13something much harder to get back, the
1:14space in which we become ourselves.
1:17Chapter one, who are you without the
1:18noise? There's a genre of social media
1:20content that makes me irrationally
1:22annoyed. It's the I heard we're not
1:24wearing this anymore, this aesthetic is
1:26over, this is what we're wearing now. Or
1:28like my personal favorite, recently I
1:30heard we're dressing like Ravena signs.
1:33Obviously, trends have always existed.
1:35People have always influenced each
1:36other. Before TikTok, there were
1:38magazines and television, and before any
1:40of that, there were simply the people
1:41around you. None of us develops our
1:43taste in complete isolation, but I think
1:46what's changed is the magnitude of the
1:47influence and how little space now
1:49exists between one influence and the
1:51next. You used to close the magazine,
1:53the program ended, you You home from
1:55school, you stared out the car window,
1:57you laid in bed. There were gaps, and
2:00inside those gaps eventually there was
2:02you. Now there really doesn't have to
2:03be. Every empty second can be filled by
2:06another person's opinion, another
2:07recommendation, another version of what
2:09a beautiful or successful or interesting
2:12life is supposed to look like. Before
2:13you even get the chance to decide what
2:15you like, you can be told what everyone
2:17else likes. Not just what clothes are
2:19fashionable, but what kind of home is
2:20beautiful, what kind of relationship is
2:22healthy, what kind of person you should
2:24become. Sometimes I wonder what I'd
2:26actually choose if nobody had shown me
2:28any of it. Like, what would I wear? What
2:30would I find beautiful? What would I
2:31care about? What would I want? And maybe
2:34one of the more uncomfortable questions,
2:36at what point does the algorithm stop
2:38predicting our taste and start creating
2:40it? There's a difference between being
2:42influenced by the world and never having
2:44enough silence to actually hear your own
2:46response to it. I think we've become
2:48incredibly good at collecting references
2:50for who we might want to be and
2:51increasingly bad at sitting quietly
2:53enough to discover who we already are.
2:56Chapter two, a life spent watching other
2:58people live. There's another
3:00contradiction that's been bothering me.
3:02Never before have we had access to this
3:03many ideas or this many possible ways of
3:06living. Before breakfast, I can watch
3:08someone move abroad, paint a picture,
3:10start a business, renovate a house, or
3:11completely begin their life again. And
3:13somehow, instead of making us endlessly
3:16creative, I think sometimes it does the
3:17opposite. There's a strange way that
3:20watching something can begin to feel
3:21like doing something. You save the
3:23recipe instead of cooking it. You watch
3:25someone paint instead of taking out your
3:26own paints. You collect ideas for the
3:28life you want until the collection
3:30itself starts to feel like progress. You
3:32consume the feeling of possibility and
3:34for a moment it almost feels like you
3:36participated in it. Meanwhile, if you
3:38pull the camera far enough, you've just
3:40been laying in bed for the past 3 hours.
3:42Your thumb moved, your life didn't.
3:44[music]
3:44And obviously I don't say that from some
3:46superior position because I do it, too.
3:49I've watched people create things while
3:50ignoring my own urge to create
3:52something. I've watched people read
3:53books instead of actually reading a
3:55book. I felt inspired by watching
3:57someone else's life and then somehow
3:59been too overwhelmed to do anything with
4:01that inspiration. And that might
4:02actually be one of the strangest costs
4:04of all. We've never seen so much life,
4:07but seeing life and living it is not the
4:09same thing. There's a particular kind of
4:11sadness in having the urge to paint and
4:14deciding that painting sounds like too
4:15much effort. Painting asks something of
4:18you. You have to get everything out,
4:19make a mess, possibly be bad at it, and
4:22stay there when you don't immediately
4:23know what to do next. [music] Scrolling
4:25asks almost nothing. And once your brain
4:28gets used to receiving something new
4:29every few seconds, ordinary life starts
4:31asking for an uncomfortable amount of
4:33patience. [music] A book takes time
4:35before it becomes interesting, a hobby
4:36takes time before you become good at it,
4:38and creating something means spending
4:40long stretches of time with [music]
4:41nothing but your own thoughts. Maybe
4:43that's why it's possible to feel
4:45endlessly inspired and somehow create
4:47very little.
4:48Chapter three, everything becomes noise.
4:51Even advice annoys me these days, which
4:53is odd because I used to love that side
4:54of the internet. I built a career
4:56talking about ideas that helped me and
4:58things I've learned about life, but I
5:00think something happens when every
5:02meaningful thought exists in exactly the
5:04same stream as everything else. Someone
5:06tells you about the most important thing
5:08they've learned after losing someone
5:09they loved, seconds later you're
5:11watching a man fall over, then
5:12somebody's crying, then an ad, then
5:14something horrific happening somewhere
5:15in the world, and then an outfit you
5:17might want to buy. The content is
5:19completely different, but the experience
5:21of receiving it is exactly the same.
5:23Watch, react, move on. There's barely
5:26enough time for anything to land before
5:28it's replaced. A thought doesn't have
5:30time to become another thought. Sadness
5:32doesn't have time to become reflection.
5:34Inspiration doesn't have time to become
5:36action. And after a while, I think some
5:38part of you starts protecting itself by
5:40caring less. I've caught myself thinking
5:42I've seen it all, not literally of
5:44course, the world is enormous. There are
5:46people I haven't met, books I haven't
5:48read, places I haven't stood in, and
5:49parts of myself I haven't discovered.
5:51But sometimes the internet creates this
5:53strange feeling that nothing is really
5:55new anymore. You've seen so many
5:56beautiful things that one more beautiful
5:58thing barely registers. So many
6:00transformations that another before and
6:02after means almost nothing. So many
6:04supposedly life-changing ideas that even
6:07something genuinely profound can begin
6:09to sound like content. And I don't want
6:11to become so accustomed to seeing
6:12everything that nothing really reaches
6:14me anymore. Chapter 4, what happened to
6:17boredom? Somewhere along the way boredom
6:19became an emergency. Waiting for coffee,
6:21standing in a queue, arriving somewhere
6:235 minutes early, those moments now seem
6:26to require something to fill them. We've
6:28created a way to escape almost every
6:30moment in which absolutely nothing is
6:32happening. And for a long time I thought
6:34that was convenient, but now I'm
6:36starting to wonder if those moments were
6:37actually incredibly necessary. Because
6:39when there's nothing to consume, your
6:41mind starts wandering. A memory
6:43resurfaces, one thought connects to
6:45another, you realize why something has
6:47been bothering you, you get an idea that
6:49seems pointless at first and then 10
6:51minutes later becomes something you want
6:53to make. Maybe boredom was never empty.
6:56Maybe it was simply space. Space for an
6:58inner life to stretch out. Space for
7:00creativity.
7:01>> [music]
7:01>> Space for thoughts that weren't
7:03immediately interrupted by somebody
7:04else's. Maybe boredom was one of the
7:06places where we met ourselves and we
7:08filled it. This is what worries me more
7:10than losing the hours themselves. We're
7:12also losing the little unclaimed moments
7:15that used to belong entirely to our own
7:17minds. A quiet breakfast, a train ride,
7:19a walk home. Those moments seem
7:21insignificant, but when you remove
7:23enough of them, where exactly are you
7:25supposed to hear yourself think?
7:29Chapter 5, the disappearance of the
7:31private self. There's another change
7:33happening that's even harder to notice.
7:35We're becoming very accustomed to seeing
7:36ourselves from the outside. [music]
7:38There can be this imaginary audience
7:40hovering in the background of your life
7:42even when you have no intention of
7:43posting anything. You notice whether an
7:46outfit feels current, whether your home
7:47fits the aesthetic you thought you
7:49wanted, whether an experience would make
7:51a good photo, or whether your life looks
7:53like the life of someone who has it
7:54together. And I think humans need parts
7:57of themselves that nobody's watching.
7:59You need things you're bad at and never
8:00turn into anything, interests that make
8:02no sense with the rest of your
8:04personality, mornings nobody
8:05photographs, or beautiful days that
8:07produce no evidence. You need privacy to
8:10become someone. Because if you
8:11constantly experience yourself through
8:13the imagined eyes of other people,
8:15eventually you can start curating
8:17yourself before you even know what you
8:18actually feel. [music] I don't want my
8:20whole life to become a performance of
8:22myself. I want there to be a version of
8:24me that only I know.
8:26Chapter six, but I need it for work.
8:29This is usually the point where I start
8:30bargaining with myself. I need social
8:32media for work, and I genuinely do. It
8:34helps me to stay connected to people, it
8:36gives me ideas, it makes me laugh.
8:38Sometimes it even teaches me something
8:40that genuinely changes the way I think.
8:42I don't believe any of those things are
8:43fake excuses. I think the problem is
8:45that something can be useful, but still
8:47take more from you than you intended to
8:49give it. I tell myself that I use social
8:51media to stay connected, but there are
8:52friends whose lives I've watched through
8:54Instagram for months without actually
8:56calling them. I tell myself that I use
8:58it for inspiration, but at some point I
9:00have to ask how much inspiration I need
9:02before I make something. And it's for
9:04work is especially convenient when
9:06something begins as work and ends 45
9:08minutes later with me knowing way too
9:10much about a morning routine of a woman
9:11I've never met. There's also a
9:13difference between consciously deciding
9:15I want to spend the next hour doing this
9:17because it's fun, and looking up after
9:19an hour realizing it disappeared.
9:22I don't think the answer is pretending
9:24social media has no value. I have a life
9:26because of the internet that I could
9:28have never imagined. I've met people
9:29through it, learned from it, and built
9:31things because of it. I don't want to
9:33throw all of that away, but I don't want
9:35the thing that connects me to the world
9:36to disconnect me from myself.
9:40Chapter seven, what's all this
9:42replacing? That's the question I keep
9:43coming back to. Not just how much time
9:45am I spending here, but what is it
9:47replacing? Because time is never just
9:49time. An hour spent scrolling is also an
9:51hour in which something else didn't
9:53happen. And maybe I wouldn't have done
9:55anything extraordinary with it. Maybe I
9:57wouldn't have written a novel or done
9:59anything productive at all.
10:01Maybe I would have read while it rained
10:02outside, made tea and actually tasted
10:05it, sat in the grass with someone I
10:06love, walked slowly enough to notice
10:08someone playing music on the street.
10:11Maybe I would have done absolutely
10:12nothing. I think that matters, too.
10:15Because our life is mostly made of
10:16things that sound insignificant when you
10:18describe them afterwards. Making coffee,
10:21choosing what to wear, walking
10:22somewhere, eating dinner, looking out a
10:24window, talking to someone you love. The
10:26major events become the landmarks when
10:28we tell the story of our lives, but most
10:31of the actual living happens between
10:32them. And if we're not careful, we can
10:34become so obsessed with being
10:35entertained during the in-between that
10:37eventually we lose the in-between
10:39itself. Then one day the years have
10:41passed and I wonder what remains. If I
10:44live until 85 and spend years of that
10:46life looking at a screen, what exactly
10:48am I going to remember from those years?
10:50Probably not the reel that made me laugh
10:52on a Tuesday or the stranger whose life
10:54I watched religiously and then
10:56completely forgot existed.
10:58And yet those things will have taken
11:00real hours from a very finite life.
11:02That's the part that scares me. Not
11:04because every second needs to be
11:06meaningful or productive. In fact, I
11:08want the opposite. I want lazy mornings
11:10and stupid conversations and afternoons
11:12where absolutely nothing happened. I
11:15just want to actually be there for them.
11:18Chapter eight, coming home to yourself.
11:21There's a million solutions now. You can
11:22delete apps, you can set time limits,
11:24you can buy something that physically
11:26blocks you from opening them. And I
11:28think all of those things can help, but
11:29they can only stop you from reaching for
11:31something. They can't tell you what to
11:33return to, and I think that part
11:35actually matters a lot more. So, maybe
11:36the goal isn't simply to spend less time
11:39online. Maybe the goal is to actually
11:41remember what it feels like to be you
11:43when no one is telling you who to be.
11:45What do you naturally move towards when
11:47no one's watching? What do you like
11:49before you know whether other people
11:50think it's tasteful? Who makes you
11:52forget that your phone exists? And most
11:54importantly, when do you feel most like
11:56yourself?
11:57For me, coming back to myself looks
11:59incredibly ordinary. It's reading on a
12:01rainy afternoon, getting completely lost
12:04in something I'm creating, writing until
12:06some loose thought I've been carrying
12:07around finally makes sense, making tea
12:10without needing to fill the 2 minutes
12:11while it steeps, talking to the stranger
12:13beside me, hearing music somewhere and
12:16actually stopping to listen.
12:18It's less about constructing a better
12:19life and more about being present for
12:21the one that's already happening.
12:23And that's what gives me hope about all
12:25of this because as frightening as it can
12:27feel to realize how much of ourselves we
12:29can lose in the noise, coming back is
12:31actually incredibly simple. You don't
12:33need to reinvent yourself. You don't
12:35need to discover some hidden, perfectly
12:37authentic version of you buried
12:38underneath the algorithm. You just need
12:40to create enough room to hear yourself
12:42again. Enough room to follow a thought
12:44before somebody else's interrupts it. To
12:46become curious about something before
12:48you know whether anyone else finds it
12:49interesting. To make something without
12:52immediately wondering whether it's good.
12:54To sit in an ordinary moment long enough
12:56for it to become your life because maybe
12:58we haven't lost ourselves. Maybe we've
13:00just stopped being alone with ourselves
13:02long enough to remember who is there.
13:04And I don't want to reach the end of my
13:05life and realize that I spent it
13:07watching everyone else live theirs. I
13:09want to know what it feels like to live
13:11mine. I want to keep coming back to
13:13myself and I never want to forget her.

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