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Is Your Identity Leading You To Failure? — Transcript

by HealthyGamerGG · 3,639 words · 498 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00right now your life is dictated by your
0:04sense of who you are we look around at
0:07our world and our brain automatically
0:10makes comparisons as it makes these
0:12comparisons it starts to damage our
0:15self-esteem because we are less than
0:17once we have a low self-esteem this
0:20becomes a destiny not a state of mind in
0:24this moment this actually creates our
0:26future today we're going to talk about
0:28why it's hard to develop confidence in
0:30the world that we live in as well as how
0:32to develop confidence in the world that
0:34we live in and it turns out that this
0:36actually comes down to a pretty simple
0:38solution which many of y'all probably
0:40haven't tried it's really easy all you
0:42have to do is The Impossible and once
0:44you do the impossible you will have a
0:46lot more self-esteem and confidence
0:49within yourself so now this may sound
0:50kind of weird right so like what is this
0:51guy talking about so let's start by
0:53understanding a little bit about what
0:55keeps us from developing a good sense of
0:58self-esteem and confidence in ourselves
1:00so we live in a world that is incredibly
1:02comparative right so the answer is like
1:04oh social media is rotting our brain
1:06like yeah like that's actually what's
1:07going on so what goes on right now is
1:09our brain is designed to make
1:11comparisons and this was sort of we
1:13evolved our brain in communities of
1:15about 200 300 people so there are like
1:17only so many people that you can compare
1:19yourselves to but now because of the
1:21Advent of social media our mental Social
1:25Circle we don't interact with these
1:26people but like the basis of our
1:28comparison and what we should be
1:30striving to be has actually increased
1:33like Way Beyond even exponentially right
1:36it's like exponents of exponents it's
1:38crazy so now we have people telling us
1:40that we should be in shape and this is
1:41what a 25-year-old should be able to do
1:44and a different 25-year-old should be
1:45able to like be an entrepreneur starting
1:47their third business and another
1:4925-year-old should be like married and
1:51having kids and another 25-year-old is
1:53like competing in the Olympics and so we
1:55look around at our world and our brain
1:59automat ically makes comparisons and as
2:02it makes these comparisons it starts to
2:04damage our self-esteem because we are
2:07less than now the problem with this is
2:09that once we have a low self-esteem this
2:12becomes a destiny not a state of mind in
2:16this moment this actually creates our
2:18future and there's a ton of science that
2:20supports this so we know is that once
2:22you develop a sense of identity the
2:24sense of identity becomes a filter for
2:28the way that you see the world so my
2:29favorite example of this was something
2:31that happened to me when I was 15 years
2:32old so I was sitting in the library in
2:34my school one day and the super popular
2:37girl who was supposed to be the hottest
2:38girl in my class came and sat next to me
2:41so there's a library table that has four
2:43chairs I'm sitting in one chair the
2:44other three chairs are empty she comes
2:46and sits across from me and I'm like oh
2:48my God what is happening so me having
2:51been bullied right and having low
2:53self-esteem and thinking to myself that
2:54I'm an ugly duckling and and no one
2:56would ever be interested in me I look at
2:58this girl and alarm belt Bells go off
3:00I'm like what's going on like is there
3:02some kind of trick I start looking
3:03around this was before the days that
3:05like cell phones were covertly recording
3:07everything but I was like looking around
3:08I was like something weird is going on
3:09and then she does something even weirder
3:11she starts talking to me and I'm like
3:13what the hell is this like what's going
3:15on why are you talking to me what are
3:16you and it turns out that in addition to
3:18being relatively physically attractive I
3:20think part of the reason that she was so
3:21popular is because she was a genuinely
3:23nice human being and in retrospect what
3:26I think happened is she saw that there's
3:27like this kid who has no friends and she
3:29was like oh like let me learn like let
3:31me get to know this person and like let
3:33me be kind to another human being who
3:35seems alone but because of my sense of
3:38identity I'm shaping the actions of the
3:41world I'm perceiving them in a different
3:44way and that's what the sense of
3:46identity does right so when someone says
3:48oh hey I got you a really nice gift and
3:50you're like why where's the other shoe
3:52like what are you planning like why did
3:53you get me a nice gift even simple
3:55things in life like the kind gestures
3:57from strangers or someone giving you
3:59gifts or someone giving you compliments
4:02which feel really really uncomfortable
4:03right cuz you don't deserve them and
4:06then think about what that does to your
4:07self-esteem this doesn't this isn't just
4:09in the moment when you start rejecting
4:11compliments what do you think is the
4:13destiny of your self-esteem it's going
4:16to stay low because you're actually
4:18filtering out the information that like
4:21would make you feel better but identity
4:23doesn't just filter our information it
4:26also shapes our actions and our
4:28motivations ident identity shapes our
4:30internal reactions to things as well as
4:33our actions when people hear that we
4:35offer coaching at HG their first
4:36question is like what on Earth even is
4:39that so here's the basic problem when
4:41you struggle with something in your life
4:44you don't see the problem from the
4:46outside you see it from the inside the
4:48value of a coach is that they can look
4:50at your life from the outside they can
4:52understand what's going on and they can
4:53help guide you to improve things like
4:56motivation accomplish short-term goals
4:59and even increase a sense of purpose in
5:01life and over the long term we also see
5:04improvements in feelings of depression
5:06and anxiety and the best part is we've
5:08had over 100,000 coaching sessions and
5:10we incorporate that feedback to
5:12continually improve our program so if
5:14y'all are interested in actually making
5:16a change in your life check out the link
5:18in the description
5:19below so this is something also that
5:22I've seen so much with my patients where
5:23I have so many patients who believe they
5:25can't do something right they'll say to
5:27themselves things like oh I'm not
5:28graceful therefore I can't dance or I
5:30have no rhythm therefore I can't dance
5:32I'm not an artistic person or all I am
5:35is a gamer and this is what Gamers do
5:37and Gamers don't do other things like
5:38Gamers don't eat healthy and Gamers
5:40don't get in shape and Gamers don't
5:42learn how to have healthy relationships
5:44lull meme videos and like uh like anime
5:47IRL kind of crap right like this is the
5:49world that we live in and we Embrace
5:51this culture and like I love that
5:52culture too the problem is that when you
5:55have a certain sense of identity it will
5:57literally shape your actions so if you
5:59believe that you are not a worthy person
6:02and you go into a date what'll happen
6:05and maybe all have had this experience
6:06either being this person or having been
6:08on a date with this person where their
6:10self-esteem is so low that they're like
6:12nagging themselves throughout the date
6:14and they're like I don't even know why
6:15you even chose to date me like I don't
6:17know why you're even here like I don't
6:19know like you know I I I'm confused like
6:22I'm not worth your time you're so
6:23amazing and I'm such a loser and it's
6:25sort of like this weird first date that
6:27turns into like a pseudo session where
6:29they're like throwing themselves a pity
6:31party and then what ends up happening is
6:33once you do that on a first date the
6:36person is like shockingly not that
6:38attracted to that and so then no second
6:41date happens and then that
6:43reinforces the sense of low self-esteem
6:46and so we developed this sense of low
6:48self-esteem and then like we're kind of
6:49stuck with it it shapes our actions and
6:51so then the question becomes how do we
6:53break out of this cycle and it turns out
6:56that you need to do something very very
6:57simple which is The Impossible all you
6:59have to do is something that's
7:00impossible now this is important to
7:02understand we're not saying do something
7:03that is impossible for all people right
7:06so I'm not saying you should fly to the
7:07top of Mount flap your arms and fly to
7:09the top of Mount Everest travel in time
7:11you know transmute lead into gold I'm
7:14not saying you should do those kinds of
7:15things this is critical what you need to
7:17do is something that is impossible for
7:19you right because understand this this
7:22very important to understand here is you
7:24you are capable of particular things and
7:26you are incapable of other things the
7:28problem is when once you make a decision
7:31that you are incapable of something that
7:33becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy it's
7:35kind of like this thing called the no
7:36sibo effect where if a
7:39patient believes that a medicine will
7:41not work for them the medicine actually
7:44has a lower efficacy it's the opposite
7:46of the placebo effect remember Placebo
7:48means if I believe something will work
7:50it does work nobo is also true if I
7:52don't believe something will work it
7:53won't work and so if I don't believe I'm
7:55going to get the job that will change
7:56the signals that I send empathically to
7:59the person who I'm who's interviewing me
8:02I'll come across as less confident
8:03because I am or I'll try to fake it
8:05until I make it at which point unless
8:07I'm very good at Faking It people will
8:09detect oh this person is faking but they
8:11really don't have confident in our
8:13confidence in themselves therefore we
8:14don't want them so then the question
8:15becomes how do we shatter this sense of
8:17identity because the whole problem is
8:19when we operate from the sense of
8:21identity it becomes a self-fulfilling
8:22prophecy and that's where all you need
8:24to do is the impossible so when I work
8:26with people who really struggle with
8:28confidence they
8:30first of all make a thousand comparisons
8:32based on social media or whatever right
8:34so we can try to tackle that we can try
8:37to tackle things like perceptions and
8:38actions and motivations we have a bunch
8:40of videos on that but honestly it's way
8:42simpler than that do the one thing that
8:43is impossible for you right so take a
8:46list of things that other people can do
8:49and you can't do and then do one of them
8:52I had a conversation recently with this
8:54guy named Doug Bop who's been sober for
8:5515 years and he's the host of this
8:57podcast called adversity advantage it's
8:59really interesting because when he tells
9:00the story of like he was in jail for
9:02selling drugs and he like turned his
9:04life around and I was like a podcaster
9:05and personal trainer and all this kind
9:07of stuff and his moment was like he did
9:08one push-up right so he was very
9:10overweight was in jail and he didn't
9:12believe he could do a single push-up cuz
9:14I'm not someone who can do a push-up now
9:16the moment that he does a push-up and
9:18the moment that you do something that
9:19you feel is impossible for you I want
9:21youall to understand what effect that
9:24has because right now your life is
9:28dictated by your sense of who you are I
9:31can't get a girlfriend I can't get a
9:33boyfriend I can't become a millionaire
9:35I'm a loser I'm a gamer or even I'm I
9:38I'm incapable of having friendships I'm
9:40alexithymic whatever it is some of y'all
9:42are super successful some of y'all are
9:43less successful but we're all
9:45constrained by our sense of self and so
9:48how do we break this sense of self we
9:51can't hypothetically work our way out of
9:53it right so this is where I mean I guess
9:55you sort of can but generally speaking
9:57this is the big problem that we have is
9:58that when we Str with something with
10:00self-esteem we try to Theory craft our
10:02way out of it right we try to convince
10:04ourselves and other people will support
10:06this they'll be like oh like use the
10:08power of positive thinking like believe
10:09in yourself man stop believing what
10:11you're believing you're so dumb you
10:13idiot believe that you're smart you
10:15dumbass right this is what people tell
10:17us and we can try to Grapple with this
10:20in our mind but that doesn't really work
10:23nearly as well as an experience because
10:25the moment that you do something that is
10:27impossible for you
10:29your brain has this new variable in the
10:32equation of self-esteem and this new
10:35variable means that all of the other
10:37variables change as well now that which
10:40you thought was impossible is now
10:43possible and I want yall to think about
10:45this for a second think about your life
10:47and think about what you want it to be
10:49and think about how many of those things
10:51you don't have because you believe
10:53they're impossible right and this is
10:55where everyone's like oh believe in
10:57yourself man like no you can't believe
10:58in yourself because you believe that all
11:01of this stuff is impossible this is the
11:02kind of stuff that other people can do
11:05but you can't do how do you change that
11:08how do you realize that you are just
11:10like everyone else or more importantly
11:12you aren't what you think you are it's
11:15very simple we have to G give the brain
11:17experience we have to give the brain
11:19data not Theory crafting that's why we
11:21need to do something that is impossible
11:23for you something that other people can
11:25do that you feel like you can't do so
11:27what I would recommend is yall make a
11:28list of five five things that other
11:30people can do that you feel are
11:32impossible for you out of those five
11:34things pick two as your primary options
11:38and then pick a time in a date to
11:40actually do those things and and this is
11:42where like it can be small it doesn't
11:43have to be big it doesn't have to be
11:44like make a million dollars it can be
11:46something as simple as a push-up and
11:47usually it starts when I've worked with
11:49people it usually starts something very
11:50small it's just like I didn't believe I
11:51could do a push-up I didn't believe I
11:53could ever ask someone out I didn't
11:55believe like I could wake up at 6:00
11:57a.m. and go to a 1-hour yoga class
11:59that's what like healthy people do but I
12:01can't do that so take all of these
12:03statements in your mind where you say I
12:05can't do this and the rest of the world
12:07can engage in these Solutions because
12:10I'm me it's not going to work for me
12:12make a list of those beliefs five of
12:15them take two of them these are your
12:17primary two and then pick a time and a
12:19place where you are going to do that
12:21thing and then do that thing it's as
12:24simple as that and this is important to
12:27understand because the more complex you
12:29make it the more that you will
12:31procrastinate see one time I was uh when
12:34I was in residency I had a medical
12:36student I was working with and the
12:37medical student you know was always late
12:40and like the med student was like always
12:41late and we're trying to figure out like
12:42hey like what's going on right so we can
12:44punish the student for it but there's
12:45like Psychiatry residency and there
12:47other Psychiatry rotation so like we
12:49care about your feelings right like we
12:51not just whether you're late or not it's
12:52like oh like how do you feel about being
12:54late like oh like let's talk about your
12:56feelings we're [ __ ] psychiatrists the
12:57student comes in I'm like hey what's
12:59going on you know like is something
13:00challenging right now like you seem
13:02really engaged when you get here and you
13:04know I've heard really good things about
13:05you like what's the difficulty cuz we
13:07want to be compassionate no be
13:09compassionate and understanding and the
13:11student came up with all these kinds of
13:12excuses oh like this happened and my dog
13:14is sick and then this happened and then
13:16the Train shut down and then this
13:17happened and this happened and this
13:19happened and so my [ __ ] meter is
13:20like rising Rising rising Rising rising
13:23and then I sort of realized that like oh
13:24no wonder this person is always late
13:26because there's all kinds of complex
13:28problems and as long as there are 15
13:30different things that are going wrong
13:33there's not one thing that you need to
13:35do to fix it so the more complexity
13:37there is the more you don't have to fix
13:39it today because you can't fix all these
13:4015 things at once that's impossible what
13:43you're expecting me to fix my dog's
13:44health and do this and fix like this
13:46public transport system in Boston all in
13:48one day that is impossible so the Mind
13:51loves complexity because when there is
13:54complexity you have an excuse not just
13:56one excuse right because if there's one
13:58excuse that's not really an excuse if
14:00there's one excuse you should be able to
14:02overcome it so the mind is like no big
14:04deal bro I got you we're going to come
14:06up with a lot of complexity we're going
14:07to give you a thousand reasons why this
14:09won't work and when I've worked with
14:11people as a psychiatrist who want to
14:13stay stuck this is what their mind does
14:15I say oh like why don't you try doing
14:16this or let's think about doing this oh
14:18that won't work because of this and that
14:19won't work because of this and that
14:20won't work because of this that won't
14:21work because of this and that's who they
14:23are that's who they become this becomes
14:27why someone is stuck in life why they
14:29can't progress why they can't build
14:31confidence because all of the steps to
14:33progress get shut down in this
14:36complexity so it's very simple just do
14:38the impossible take a couple of things
14:40that you can't do and try to do them
14:44right so be safe about it don't do
14:45anything like insane like oh like I
14:47don't know how to free dive right so
14:49don't like go 60 feet underwater and
14:51hold your breath for 20 minutes you'll
14:52die so don't do that but by all means go
14:55to a free diving class right so start
14:57the process of whatever you want to do
14:59do and something cool will happen so in
15:01my experience as a psychiatrist and the
15:03people that I've interviewed and worked
15:05with changing your sense of self starts
15:07with shattering your perception of
15:10yourself it's not about building
15:12something new we got to break apart this
15:15pot before we reform it right if I'm
15:17playing with a bunch of Legos and they
15:18are in a particular configuration and I
15:20want to build them into a new
15:22configuration what's the first step you
15:24have to break yourself before you can
15:26remake yourself and the simplest way to
15:28do that is to do something that's
15:30impossible so pick two tasks pick the
15:32time the how the where the when okay why
15:35can be important too but we should
15:37really focus on the how the where the
15:38when so I'm going to try this one at
15:39Wednesday morning at 9:00 a.m. I'm going
15:41to do this one Thursday at 2: P p.m.
15:43schedule it on your calendar and just do
15:45it make it small now if those first two
15:47things don't work then you can go to
15:50numbers three four and five but let's
15:52start with two and pick the ones that
15:53you are the most likely to succeed in
15:55which I know sounds kind of weird
15:56because they're all impossible right and
15:58this will be one major step in your
16:01ability to develop confidence because
16:03this also helps you with all this social
16:05media crap because the social media crap
16:07is about you relating to other people
16:09it's the rest of the world telling you
16:10what you should do and instead you're
16:12going to be focusing on yourself the
16:14targets that you set for yourself and
16:16once you set a target for yourself
16:17instead of a thousand different people
16:19telling you what you should do and you
16:20do that thing that will lead to
16:22confidence and the more important thing
16:24is once you do something that you think
16:27is impossible then then it will change
16:29your perception of you this is the Crux
16:32of it if this is impossible for me and I
16:36can do it what else am I wrong about
16:40what else are you wrong about hold on a
16:42second this changes the whole dynamic
16:44because I was so sure that I was
16:46incapable of doing this thing what else
16:49could I be wrong about and the moment
16:51you do that is the moment that you start
16:53putting together the pieces of your
16:55self-esteem and confidence
17:02B

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