Improve Your Emotional Intelligence — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00welcome to today's video today I'm going
2. 0:01to teach you how to get better with your
3. 0:03emotional intelligence so that you can
4. 0:06improve your life your relationship to
5. 0:08yourself but also your relationship to
6. 0:10other people as well let's dive in you
7. 0:12know when we look at being a human
8. 0:14what's great about being a human and
9. 0:15what makes humans different than almost
10. 0:17all other animals that are on the planet
11. 0:20is our depth of emotions now animals do
12. 0:23have emotions for years many scientists
13. 0:26thought they had no emotions but the
14. 0:28difference between us and most an
15. 0:30is that we have a much deeper level of
16. 0:34in depth to our emotions and the other
17. 0:37difference is how we can imagine a fake
18. 0:40scenario in the future and get an
19. 0:43emotional reaction about that fake
20. 0:45future in this moment right now whether
21. 0:47it's a good future that we're imagining
22. 0:49whether it's a bad future that we're
23. 0:51imagining so we can think about how
24. 0:52amazing that is we can think about
25. 0:54something a future that doesn't exist
26. 0:56yet and it can make us feel something
27. 0:59right now that's the the depth of our
28. 1:01emotions that we can feel and so today
29. 1:03we're going to talk about something
30. 1:04called emotional intelligence which is
31. 1:05basically just the ability to identify
32. 1:09and understand and manage your emotions
33. 1:12both of your emotions and emotions of
34. 1:14others and so this is really important
35. 1:16for everyone listening if you're a
36. 1:18parent oh my God this is super important
37. 1:20for you to understand because if you
38. 1:21don't fix this within yourself you're
39. 1:22going to pass it on to your children so
40. 1:24this is important as a parent if you're
41. 1:27a spouse or you have someone you're in a
42. 1:29relationship with this is extremely
43. 1:31important to understand if you're a
44. 1:33business owner this is extremely
45. 1:35important for you to understand this is
46. 1:37a skill set that everyone who's
47. 1:39listening should want to get better at
48. 1:41so that you can make better decisions
49. 1:43you can have better relationships you
50. 1:44can get better with your conflict
51. 1:46resolution and you need to learn how to
52. 1:48understand and resolve your emotions not
53. 1:52act like they don't exist but how to
54. 1:54understand okay why am I feeling this
55. 1:56way and if I want to feel this way great
56. 1:58if I don't want to feel this way how can
57. 1:59I resolve these emotions instead of just
58. 2:02sweeping them under the rug like most
59. 2:03people tend to do but actually working
60. 2:06through them and understanding them and
61. 2:08there's a a lot of experts that say that
62. 2:10emotional intelligence is more important
63. 2:12than cognitive intelligence when it
64. 2:14comes to overall success overall
65. 2:16happiness and overall well-being and so
66. 2:19a lot of people are trying to improve
67. 2:21their cognitive intelligence and put
68. 2:23more information in their brain but in
69. 2:25reality if you want to be more
70. 2:26successful more happy and have a better
71. 2:28well-being you need to actually improve
72. 2:30it's your emotional
73. 2:32intelligence but unfortunately unlike IQ
74. 2:36emotional intelligence is not something
75. 2:38that people really focus on most of the
76. 2:40time people are like I want to get
77. 2:41smarter I want to get more intelligent
78. 2:43but yeah what about emotional
79. 2:45intelligence and so when you look at it
80. 2:46emotional intelligence is something that
81. 2:48you can improve IQ really isn't
82. 2:50something that you can improve and so if
83. 2:52you can improve it it is kind of a skill
84. 2:54set which is why I call emotional
85. 2:56intelligence a skill set and so we're
86. 2:59going to go through basic basically a
87. 3:00three-step process to help you develop
88. 3:02your emotional intelligence so the first
89. 3:05one is self-awareness is to understand
90. 3:08yourself understand your emotions I feel
91. 3:11like I talk about self-awareness pretty
92. 3:13much every episode at some point and the
93. 3:16reason why is because I think that it
94. 3:17might be the most important skill for
95. 3:18someone to have because you cannot
96. 3:21change something that you're not aware
97. 3:24of so if I'm not aware of how my
98. 3:27emotions are affecting me and affecting
99. 3:28other people around me
100. 3:30then I can't change it but as soon as I
101. 3:32become aware of something well then now
102. 3:34I can change it on top of that I feel
103. 3:36like there's so much technology and so
104. 3:38much stimuli and there's phones and
105. 3:40there's TVs and there's Netflix and
106. 3:42there's social medias and there's ads
107. 3:44everywhere that most people have just
108. 3:47become so unaware of themselves because
109. 3:49they're always focusing on the outside
110. 3:52they're always focusing on what's going
111. 3:54on around them around their phone and
112. 3:56around their TVs and work very few
113. 4:00people I feel like nowadays take time to
114. 4:02actually look in the mirror and go
115. 4:03within and so in turn because of the
116. 4:06fact that there's so few people that are
117. 4:07doing that a lot of people are very just
118. 4:09unaware of themselves and if you're
119. 4:11unaware of your deep unconscious
120. 4:13reactions then you're not going to be
121. 4:14able to fix them so many people are just
122. 4:17out there just unaware of their deep
123. 4:20unconscious reactions and actions and
124. 4:22they don't know how it's affecting
125. 4:24themselves they don't know how it's
126. 4:25affecting other people around them and
127. 4:27it's kind of like I always say like when
128. 4:28you're in the jar you can't read the
129. 4:29label you've got to get out of the jar
130. 4:32every once in a while and look back at
131. 4:33yourself and say huh what's going on
132. 4:36with this Rob guy is he happy is he
133. 4:39fulfilled is he you know are there
134. 4:41certain aspects of him that maybe we
135. 4:43could change to make him even better and
136. 4:46so that's really this aspect of
137. 4:47self-awareness it's the Cornerstone of
138. 4:49emotional intelligence you can't become
139. 4:51more emotionally intelligent if you
140. 4:53don't even know what's going on inside
141. 4:54of your own head and inside of your own
142. 4:56body and so you have to understand it's
143. 4:58the capacity to recognize and understand
144. 5:00your own emotions your motivations your
145. 5:03behaviors your patterns all of that how
146. 5:06it's affecting you how it's affecting
147. 5:08others we all have patterns but the
148. 5:10question really comes down to are you
149. 5:12aware of your patterns you know and so
150. 5:15it means like are you aware of what
151. 5:16you're feeling are you aware of why
152. 5:18you're feeling that way are you aware of
153. 5:20how those emotions can affect your
154. 5:22decisions and actions are you aware how
155. 5:24those emotions and decisions and actions
156. 5:26are affecting other people around you I
157. 5:29always say that if if everybody on this
158. 5:31Earth had extreme self-awareness the
159. 5:33whole world would be better everything
160. 5:35would be better if people were just
161. 5:36extremely aware of themselves and so
162. 5:39then you get start to ask yourself well
163. 5:40how do I become more aware of myself
164. 5:42then one of the things I think is really
165. 5:44important is journaling for Stress
166. 5:46Management so I recommend getting a
167. 5:48stress journal and this is going to
168. 5:50sound kind of weird but it's just a
169. 5:51small Journal you know it can fit in
170. 5:53your pocket and just keep it in your
171. 5:54back pocket and just write stuff down
172. 5:57okay whenever it it the reason why this
173. 6:00works really well is because a stress
174. 6:01Journal really helps you identify your
175. 6:02triggers it helps you understand your
176. 6:05emotional responses more and eventually
177. 6:07develop coping mechanisms help you work
178. 6:09through it and so the idea is to learn
179. 6:11yourself and so you know you sit down
180. 6:13you ask yourself what is triggering you
181. 6:15how do you feel why do you feel that way
182. 6:17what can you do about it so it's like
183. 6:20I'm aware I'm pissed off right now okay
184. 6:23let me get my journal about Journal out
185. 6:26what's making me pissed off right now
186. 6:28well this is what's making me pissed off
187. 6:29how do I feel this way how do I feel
188. 6:33what can I do about it right now and you
189. 6:35will learn more about yourself than
190. 6:38you've ever known if you do this you'll
191. 6:40start to see triggers because you'll get
192. 6:42so clear by writing it down by taking it
193. 6:44out of your head and taking it out of
194. 6:45your body and writing it down you'll
195. 6:47start to see the triggers before they
196. 6:50come up so that you can navigate your
197. 6:52life better and you'll develop coping
198. 6:55mechanisms when you do get stressed out
199. 6:58and so what I recommend for for people
200. 6:59is when you're triggered get
201. 7:03curious hey real quick I want to
202. 7:05introduce you to something called
203. 7:06mindset Mentor plus if you love this
204. 7:08podcast you will absolutely love what
205. 7:10I'm about to talk about I designed
206. 7:12mindset Mentor plus to help you actively
207. 7:14integrate every one of these episodes
208. 7:16into your life and here's how it works
209. 7:18with every episode of this podcast that
210. 7:20comes out mindset Mentor plus
211. 7:22subscribers get more you're going to get
212. 7:24multiple page detailed printable
213. 7:26worksheets effectively in mini Master
214. 7:29Class that's way more in- depth than
215. 7:31just this podcast they also come with
216. 7:33journaling questions challenges
217. 7:34assignments and so much more so that
218. 7:36you're not just listening to these
219. 7:38podcasts passively but you're actively
220. 7:40integrating them into your life that way
221. 7:43you improve much faster I also do
222. 7:45monthly Q&A sessions in there and much
223. 7:47much more if you want to learn more
224. 7:49about it go to mindset mentor.com or
225. 7:51click the link that's down in the
226. 7:53description when you're triggered by
227. 7:55somebody by Something by A circumstance
228. 7:57get curious write down on a pen and
229. 8:00paper just start asking yourself
230. 8:01questions about what's going on there
231. 8:03shouldn't be any judgment instead it's
232. 8:05like take a really compassionate and
233. 8:08curious approach to yourself and this
234. 8:10journaling can be a really good
235. 8:11emotional release as well so you can
236. 8:12dump all of your feelings onto a piece
237. 8:14of paper and start to work through them
238. 8:16because when it's in your head it's
239. 8:17really hard to work through things when
240. 8:19it's on paper you can plan it out you
241. 8:21can start to work through it and as I
242. 8:23say I've said it many times in this
243. 8:25podcast everything in this world is
244. 8:27figureoutable so you know figureoutable
245. 8:29probably not a real word but everything
246. 8:30is figure out B so if it's emotions you
247. 8:33want to work through you can figure out
248. 8:34if it's thoughts you want to work
249. 8:35through you can figure it out and so
250. 8:38sometimes you just need to slow down and
251. 8:40you just need to be in the moment not
252. 8:41run from everything you know sometimes a
253. 8:44subconscious brings up automatic
254. 8:46thoughts that we don't even recognize a
255. 8:48lot of times we usually don't recognize
256. 8:50a thought we us just recognize how we're
257. 8:52feeling so it's like okay let me take up
258. 8:54my journal let me write down like what
259. 8:56am I feeling right now I'm feeling piss
260. 8:59pissed okay cool nothing wrong with that
261. 9:03every emotion is welcome at some point
262. 9:05in time we have emotions for reasons
263. 9:07okay well what is this what am I pissed
264. 9:09about what is this being pissed trying
265. 9:10to tell me why am I feeling this way and
266. 9:13then another really good thing if you if
267. 9:15you this is a hard one but if you really
268. 9:18really want to learn yourself start
269. 9:21asking people around you what they
270. 9:23notice about you because they notice
271. 9:25things about you
272. 9:27patterns ways that you react that you
273. 9:30don't even notice and so you think you
274. 9:32know yourself but a lot of times you
275. 9:34don't know yourself until you start
276. 9:35getting feedback from other people and
277. 9:37then you're like oh my God that hurts
278. 9:40but they're right so I would recommend
279. 9:43just every once a while just ask people
280. 9:45that you really trust people that you
281. 9:47love whether it's friends family members
282. 9:49whatever it might be for feedback just
283. 9:51be like
284. 9:52hey what do you think I need to work on
285. 9:55what do you think are my downsides what
286. 9:57do you think's good about me what do you
287. 9:58think is bad about me how can I get
288. 10:00better are there you know triggers or
289. 10:02emotions you think I need to work
290. 10:04through and they might be able to give
291. 10:05you some insights about your emotions
292. 10:07that you are completely unaware of and
293. 10:09when they say it you'll go o that hurts
294. 10:13but it resonates so it must be something
295. 10:15I need to work through so that is the
296. 10:17first thing is you need to be get you
297. 10:19need to get really good at your
298. 10:21self-awareness to start to understand
299. 10:22yourself because you can't change
300. 10:23anything that you're not aware of the
301. 10:25second thing after self-awareness is
302. 10:28self-regulation okay now that I am aware
303. 10:31of my emotions how do I regulate my
304. 10:32emotions some people out there listening
305. 10:35have really short fuses or you know you
306. 10:37have a really long fuse but then when
307. 10:39you blow up you blow up and so we're not
308. 10:42taught how to self- soothe by our
309. 10:44parents you know we're not really most
310. 10:46people are not taught emotions by their
311. 10:48parents at all or very well a lot of
312. 10:51people who are angry are angry because
313. 10:53your parents were angry so self-
314. 10:55soothing is really really natural like
315. 10:57babies naturally suck on their thumbs
316. 10:59they naturally want a pacifier and when
317. 11:01they do they calm down so much it's
318. 11:04crazy to see young children what do they
319. 11:07have to help them self sooe sometimes
320. 11:08they have a stuffed animal they bring
321. 11:09around sometimes it's a blanket that
322. 11:11they carry around as adults we still
323. 11:13need to self sooe I just don't recommend
324. 11:15that you suck your thumb or bring a
325. 11:16blanket around with you everywhere you
326. 11:17go right we're not taught how to do it
327. 11:20because frankly if I'm being completely
328. 11:22honest most people's parents are not
329. 11:24good at their own emotions and they
330. 11:26don't know how to work through them and
331. 11:28it's not their own fault they just this
332. 11:29isn't something that was taught you know
333. 11:32like my parents parents had to go
334. 11:35through the you know Great Depression
335. 11:37like that's they weren't really thinking
336. 11:39about their emotions when they were
337. 11:40trying to survive and trying to eat and
338. 11:42feed their family right so I want you to
339. 11:44understand that so it's like maybe we
340. 11:45should just become the more evolved
341. 11:47generation at this point in time and
342. 11:49start figuring out how to self sooth
343. 11:50oursel because maybe our parents didn't
344. 11:52really understand emotions because they
345. 11:53were never taught by their parents how
346. 11:55to understand emotions because their
347. 11:56parents never taught them and it's just
348. 11:57a vicious cycle until somebody decides
349. 11:59to break it which hopefully is us and so
350. 12:02self soothing is just a practice to be
351. 12:04able to get yourself from a heightened
352. 12:07State pissed emotional crying whatever
353. 12:10it might be to a calm and relaxed State
354. 12:13it's the it's it is being able to
355. 12:15regulate your emotional state regardless
356. 12:17of whatever circumstance are happening
357. 12:20okay and so how do we really start to
358. 12:22develop this self soothing and start to
359. 12:24work through this
360. 12:25right first thing you want to do is get
361. 12:29better at pausing before you react when
362. 12:33you feel a really strong emotion
363. 12:34especially a negative one don't react
364. 12:37immediately and you might say oh my God
365. 12:39Rob but I I don't know how to not react
366. 12:41well there is a space there is a second
367. 12:42like Victor Frankle who was a
368. 12:45psychologist he wrote a incredible book
369. 12:47called man search for meaning I
370. 12:48recommend everyone read it and he was an
371. 12:50incredible psychologist who lived
372. 12:52through uh living in Nazi prison camps
373. 12:54he lived in owitz he saw the worst
374. 12:56things that could possibly happen to
375. 12:57humans and what he says is he has this
376. 12:59this my favorite quote of his says
377. 13:01between stimulus and response there's a
378. 13:04space and in that space lies our freedom
379. 13:07and our power to choose our responses
380. 13:10and in our response lies our growth and
381. 13:13our freedom so when you notice oh my
382. 13:17gosh I'm about to feel an emotion I can
383. 13:19feel it ramping up pause for a second
384. 13:22when you start to notice your your state
385. 13:23changing the first thing you want to do
386. 13:26I say it all on the podcast if you've
387. 13:28been listen for a long time you can
388. 13:29probably answer this for me first thing
389. 13:30you want to do
390. 13:32breathe our breath rate the depth the
391. 13:36pattern is the first thing to change
392. 13:38when your emotional state changes
393. 13:39there's a Japanese study that researches
394. 13:41at oswa University in Yokohama found
395. 13:44that six deep breaths over a 30second
396. 13:47period can help you lower your bre blood
397. 13:49pressure and slow down your heart rate
398. 13:52so Dr Herbert benser Benson at Harvard
399. 13:55Medical School coined the phrase
400. 13:57something called a relaxation response
401. 13:59and that relaxation response that our
402. 14:01body has is triggered and stimulated
403. 14:05through deep conscious breathing so it's
404. 14:06just in through the nose out through the
405. 14:09mouth in through the nose out through
406. 14:12the mouth so that's what I would
407. 14:13recommend is as soon as you notice your
408. 14:15State starting to change go in and start
409. 14:17breathing and say okay I'm going to I'm
410. 14:19going to calm myself down it's not
411. 14:21saying I'm going to uh ignore the anger
412. 14:24or ignore the sadness it's I'm going to
413. 14:27breathe first so that I can go into the
414. 14:29anger I can go into the sadness with a
415. 14:30little bit more curiosity and start to
416. 14:33say he I'm just going to I'm going to
417. 14:34calm myself down before I let myself get
418. 14:36you know ramped up and and blow up
419. 14:39there's some people I know that that
420. 14:40they just basically black out when they
421. 14:42get mad okay well hey it'd be a really
422. 14:44good idea for once you start to feel
423. 14:46that ramp up maybe you breathe so that
424. 14:49you don't go into that right another way
425. 14:51that you can really start to train
426. 14:52yourself to to go from heightened state
427. 14:54to to calm state is during workouts if
428. 14:57you work out like I do this is I'll work
429. 14:59out really hard during sets and I'll do
430. 15:02this when I'm at my house and I'm alone
431. 15:03and my trainer's not there and then what
432. 15:04I'll do is I'll set 60 seconds for a
433. 15:07rest timer and that's pretty average but
434. 15:09what I'll do is I'll close my eyes and
435. 15:10I'll take deep breaths and I try to calm
436. 15:12so I I'll get really heightened and I'll
437. 15:14I'll calm myself and I'll put on 60
438. 15:16seconds I'll close my eyes and I'll
439. 15:17breathe and I'll try to bring my heart
440. 15:19rate and my my breath rate slow as
441. 15:22possible I try to calm myself and so I'm
442. 15:24practicing heighten state to calm
443. 15:27heighten state to calm and so work out
444. 15:29is actually a really good strategy for
445. 15:30emotional training and regulation as
446. 15:32well so that's how you kind of start to
447. 15:34get better at it and then the third part
448. 15:37is adaptability you need to become
449. 15:39flexible with your emotional responses
450. 15:42and so emotional strength is like a
451. 15:44muscle the more that you train it the
452. 15:46stronger that it gets so you don't try
453. 15:47to change the world around you you try
454. 15:49to get better at reacting to the world
455. 15:51around you most people don't get this
456. 15:54most people see the world and they point
457. 15:55out there and they say this world needs
458. 15:57to change and those people need to
459. 15:58change and they need to change your
460. 15:59beliefs no no you can try to change the
461. 16:01world and you can try to make good
462. 16:03changes and I'm okay with that but it's
463. 16:05not about looking out into the world
464. 16:06being like the world has to be different
465. 16:07it's about getting better at reacting to
466. 16:10the world around you I bet that you can
467. 16:12think of someone who you know that no
468. 16:14matter what happens to them they're
469. 16:15almost always calm that's a skill set
470. 16:18that is a muscle that has somehow been
471. 16:20developed over years and years and so
472. 16:23what you got to get better at is going
473. 16:25okay yeah the world is crazy there's a
474. 16:26lot of change there's always change that
475. 16:28happens the only constant in this world
476. 16:30is change so instead of resisting it
477. 16:32maybe I can just use that as just an
478. 16:34opportunity to grow because change can
479. 16:36lead to to New Opportunities it can lead
480. 16:39to learning it can learn to lead to
481. 16:41development of yourself so Embrace
482. 16:44change it might be out there also like
483. 16:46when you mess up which you will mess up
484. 16:48you will blow up at someone you will not
485. 16:50be perfect you're going to blow up at
486. 16:51someone you're going to say something
487. 16:52you didn't mean you're going to react in
488. 16:54a defensive way you're going to get too
489. 16:56emotional how can you learn from it how
490. 16:59can you react better next time instead
491. 17:00of guilting yourself and shaming
492. 17:02yourself and calling yourself a POS oh
493. 17:03my God I can't believe you did that you
494. 17:05do this all the time so stupid that's
495. 17:07that doesn't help you at all it's going
496. 17:09okay I messed up that's not me I'm still
497. 17:11a good person I'm going to distance
498. 17:13myself and my identity from the behavior
499. 17:15and go okay let's look at the behavior
500. 17:17and let's see how I can start to change
501. 17:18that behavior don't guilt yourself and
502. 17:20shame yourself use it as a lesson and a
503. 17:22chance to get better and so analyze what
504. 17:25went wrong in that moment when you
505. 17:27reacted a way you didn't want to and
506. 17:28just say how can I get better next time
507. 17:30and it's only when you really start to
508. 17:32understand yourself and understand your
509. 17:33emotions can you start to do the same
510. 17:36for other
511. 17:37people when you start to do this you
512. 17:39become a better parent and you start to
513. 17:40teach your children how to have
514. 17:42emotional regulation you start to be
515. 17:44able to help your friends your family
516. 17:45members your spouse your emotional
517. 17:47regulation is one of the most important
518. 17:49things that you can get better it's one
519. 17:50of the most important skill sets for you
520. 17:52to focus on because everyone around you
521. 17:55is being affected by your emotions
522. 17:56whether they're good emotions or bad
523. 17:58emotions and your children are learning
524. 18:00from you the question is what are they
525. 18:02learning and if it's not what you want
526. 18:04them to learn well then that's just
527. 18:06something that we need to work on and
528. 18:07improve upon so that's what I got for
529. 18:09you for today's episode if you love this
530. 18:10episode please share it on your
531. 18:11Instagram stories tag me in at robd Jr
532. 18:14Rd i a l Jr and with that I'm going
533. 18:17leave you the same way I leave you every
534. 18:18single episode make it your mission make
535. 18:19somebody else's day better I appreciate
536. 18:21you and I hope that you have an amazing
537. 18:23day