I've Coached 1000s. This Is What Real Strength Looks Like — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00So, in this video we're going to break
2. 0:01down a clip of uh Ted Lasso where Ted
3. 0:05Lasso has just been attacked by a good
4. 0:07friend of his
5. 0:08and he's being questioned about it in a
6. 0:10public interview.
7. 0:12And it's a perfect expression of what
8. 0:15happens when somebody is non-defensive
9. 0:17and the strength and power in being
10. 0:19non-defensive and keeping your heart
11. 0:21open.
12. 0:22>> Uh next question. And if it is, why is
13. 0:24the giraffe wearing a top hat? Don't ask
14. 0:26me, man. Go ask the giraffe.
15. 0:28>> [laughter]
16. 0:28>> True. Yeah, Marcus.
17. 0:30Mark Sidebottom, The Independent.
18. 0:34Congrats on the new gig. Thank you. What
19. 0:36do you got for me? Do you have any
20. 0:37response to the comments made earlier
21. 0:39today by your former assistant coach
22. 0:40Nathan Shelley?
23. 0:46Uh yes, I do.
24. 0:48Yeah.
25. 0:49Yeah, hold on a second. So, what's cool
26. 0:51there is there's an an actual moment
27. 0:53where the actor allows the sadness in.
28. 0:56What's happening typically when we get
29. 0:58defensive, when somebody attacks us and
30. 1:00we get defensive,
31. 1:01is the attack happens and then there's a
32. 1:03feeling that we don't want to feel,
33. 1:04maybe a hurt or a fear or a frustration,
34. 1:08even an anger.
35. 1:10And we think what we're doing is we are
36. 1:13defending against what the person's
37. 1:14saying, but really what we're doing is
38. 1:15defending against
39. 1:18the emotion that we're having.
40. 1:20And you got to see just for a minute
41. 1:22there that Ted Lasso actually
42. 1:25has sadness in his eyes and he's
43. 1:26allowing himself to feel it. And what I
44. 1:29notice is one of the things when people
45. 1:30are like, "Oh, I don't want to be as
46. 1:31defensive as much." The idea that they
47. 1:33have is, "Oh, I'm going to stop being
48. 1:35defensive."
49. 1:36But that doesn't work cuz it's just
50. 1:38another stopping. First, you're going to
51. 1:39stop the emotion that you're having and
52. 1:42now you're going to stop being
53. 1:43defensive, which is stopping a secondary
54. 1:45emotion.
55. 1:47And to really unwind defensiveness, what
56. 1:49needs to happen is you have to
57. 1:53allow the emotion to to stop stopping
58. 1:56stuff and to actually start allowing
59. 1:58yourself to feel stuff.
60. 2:00And so he did that, which is really
61. 2:01great. So let let's let's keep going and
62. 2:03see what what he does next.
63. 2:05>> I thought it was hilarious.
64. 2:09I mean, he came and got us, didn't he?
65. 2:11No doubt about that.
66. 2:12Hey, but that's [music] Nate the Great
67. 2:13for you. You know, he's the same way on
68. 2:15the pitch. You know, he'll find the
69. 2:16tiniest little weakness in a team and
70. 2:18[music] just want to attack that. Yeah.
71. 2:20I mean, he's a junkyard dog, man.
72. 2:22And smart. They're really lucky to have
73. 2:24him over there at West Ham. I wish him
74. 2:26the best of luck.
75. 2:27>> So
76. 2:28So I've seen this happen where people
77. 2:29use it as a tactic
78. 2:31and people say it with authenticity. So
79. 2:34he's being asked, "Oh, hey, this person
80. 2:36that you care about just attacked you."
81. 2:38It seems like it's a genuine, "Hey, like
82. 2:41yeah, he's doing what he does. He's
83. 2:42really smart. He knows how to attack a
84. 2:44weakness. He's trying to attack our
85. 2:46weakness." And if it's done genuinely,
86. 2:48if there's an actual like, "Oh, yeah, I
87. 2:50can see the wisdom in what they're
88. 2:51saying. I can see the wisdom of what
89. 2:53this person is saying instead of getting
90. 2:55defensive, and I can acknowledge that."
91. 2:59Something happens where all of a sudden
92. 3:02you're stronger. You can immediately
93. 3:04feel in the room like, "Oh, wow, that
94. 3:06other person seems like a complete dick
95. 3:08and weak
96. 3:10because they had to attack somebody and
97. 3:12I I I'm I'm strong because I don't need
98. 3:15to. I can admit, "Oh, yeah, there's a
99. 3:17way that that's true."
100. 3:20And in that, you become impervious to
101. 3:22the attack.
102. 3:24So there's a lot of great studies about
103. 3:26this in in bullying in schools where
104. 3:29when a kid is getting attacked, it's
105. 3:31really what it is is a power struggle.
106. 3:32And if they don't react, right? "You're
107. 3:35a You're a dweeb." If they're like, "Oh,
108. 3:37yeah, I'm a dweeb."
109. 3:39then the bullying stops. They might have
110. 3:41to do it two or three or four times,
111. 3:43but the bullying stops.
112. 3:45As soon as they resist, then this person
113. 3:48feels like they have power over them and
114. 3:49they'll keep on bullying.
115. 3:53>> Okay.
116. 3:56I guess I'm a little surprised that's
117. 3:57all you could come up with, especially
118. 3:59against me.
119. 4:00You know, not one joke about me being a
120. 4:01dumb American. Come on, man. Sitting
121. 4:03there. I mean, I'm so dumb.
122. 4:10Y'all supposed to say, "How dumb are
123. 4:12you?"
124. 4:13Gary.
125. 4:14Why?
126. 4:15Well, I mean, it's just a classic joke
127. 4:16structure. Give it a shot. I mean, I'm
128. 4:18so dumb.
129. 4:20Lloyd. How dumb are you?
130. 4:22>> [laughter]
131. 4:23>> Okay. Well, I'm so dumb that the first
132. 4:25time I heard y'all talking about
133. 4:27Yorkshire pudding, I thought it was a
134. 4:27fancy word y'all had for dog poop.
135. 4:30>> [laughter]
136. 4:31>> Yeah. I mean, I'm so dumb.
137. 4:34How How dumb are you?
138. 4:36Yeah, all right. Well, you know. Well,
139. 4:37whenever I text someone over here about
140. 4:39money,
141. 4:39>> [music]
142. 4:39>> I still spell pounds lbs.
143. 4:42>> [laughter]
144. 4:43>> It's a beautiful, if not, you know,
145. 4:46dramatic animated version of this. But,
146. 4:48uh let's say you're in a fight with your
147. 4:51husband or wife, and they're attacking
148. 4:54you.
149. 4:55And
150. 4:57you say, "No, no, no, that's not true.
151. 4:59You're wrong. That's bad." In response,
152. 5:02like you get defensive.
153. 5:04Then, you feel like you're protecting
154. 5:06yourself, but in actuality, what you're
155. 5:08doing is having the other person feel
156. 5:10attacked, right? You feel like you're
157. 5:12saying, "I'm not wrong."
158. 5:14They feel like you're saying that
159. 5:15they're wrong.
160. 5:17And so, the the argument continues.
161. 5:20But, if you can stop for a second and
162. 5:22say, "Oh, hey.
163. 5:25I can see how you're right about this. I
164. 5:27I get I get that point."
165. 5:30Then, all of a sudden, they don't feel
166. 5:32attacked. They actually can feel heard.
167. 5:35And you can actually see something about
168. 5:38yourself that maybe you don't want to
169. 5:39admit, right? Because anytime that we're
170. 5:40getting defensive,
171. 5:42there's something that we aren't
172. 5:43feeling, something that some thought
173. 5:46that we have that makes us feel a
174. 5:47certain way that we don't want to admit
175. 5:48to ourselves.
176. 5:50And so you're actually learning to take
177. 5:52something that some part of yourself
178. 5:54that you aren't willing to love or
179. 5:57accept and learning how to accept it.
180. 6:00So most people when they hear this
181. 6:01they're like, wait, wait, hold on a
182. 6:02second. I need to defend myself because
183. 6:04they're wrong, right? They're they're
184. 6:05telling me
185. 6:07that I'm I'm stupid and I'm not stupid.
186. 6:10Right? This guy's doing it right now.
187. 6:11He's like, I'm so dumb. But he's clearly
188. 6:14not dumb. Right? You like if you look at
189. 6:17the strategy or the way he's handling
190. 6:19this, he's clearly has a lot of human
191. 6:21intelligence. He's clearly is
192. 6:24quick-witted. He clearly can make a joke
193. 6:26of himself. By making a joke of himself,
194. 6:29he's showing the world that he doesn't
195. 6:30really particularly care about somebody
196. 6:32else's quips.
197. 6:34And so
198. 6:35he's clearly not dumb. But he's sitting
199. 6:37there
200. 6:38admitting that he is dumb because we are
201. 6:40all dumb.
202. 6:41There's every single person has done
203. 6:43something stupid. When you're saying,
204. 6:45no, I have to be defensive, what you're
205. 6:46saying is like, no, I'm not dumb. Well,
206. 6:49he's not dumb. Great, but we're also all
207. 6:51dumb. And so if you can actually accept
208. 6:53all parts of yourself, there's nothing
209. 6:55to defend. There's so much freedom in
210. 6:57that. Freedom isn't gotten by other
211. 7:00people's reaction to you. Freedom is
212. 7:01gotten
213. 7:03by you accepting yourself. Oh yeah, I am
214. 7:06dumb. I can accept that part of myself
215. 7:08as well.
216. 7:09And that's where your freedom actually
217. 7:10lies.
218. 7:11>> Look man, I'm not a great coach.
219. 7:13Probably ain't. You know, I'm doing this
220. 7:15sport now for 3 years and I still get a
221. 7:16chuckle every time someone talks about a
222. 7:18handball violation.
223. 7:20>> [laughter]
224. 7:21>> And not one crack about my appearance?
225. 7:23About this mustache? I I
226. 7:25I look like Ned Flanders is doing
227. 7:26cosplay as Ned Flanders.
228. 7:28>> [laughter]
229. 7:30>> And when I talk it sounds like Dr. Phil
230. 7:32hasn't gone through puberty yet.
231. 7:36I'm more corny [music] than Kevin
232. 7:38Costner's outfield.
233. 7:40Yeah.
234. 7:41Ooh, I lost y'all on that one.
235. 7:43>> Yeah.
236. 7:43>> Mhm.
237. 7:44>> Swing and a miss.
238. 7:45>> Yeah. Uh Field of Dreams?
239. 7:47No?
240. 7:49I I guess y'all don't really like
241. 7:50baseball here, so why would you like
242. 7:51movies about it? They uh
243. 7:56>> Well, hey, how about this one? Regarding
244. 7:57my panic attacks, I've had more
245. 7:59psychotic episodes than Twin Peaks.
246. 8:02>> [laughter]
247. 8:02>> So, now he's doing something that's
248. 8:05really like taking the cake in the fact
249. 8:07that he's now making himself making fun
250. 8:09of himself for stuff that isn't even
251. 8:11hasn't even been approached by the other
252. 8:13person, which is basically saying,
253. 8:15"Look, you're not particularly able to
254. 8:17hurt me. I I will accept myself." And
255. 8:20so, to some degree, there's this great
256. 8:22phrase that says,
257. 8:24"If somebody hurts you, it requires your
258. 8:26agreement." That you have to agree to be
259. 8:28hurt.
260. 8:29And that's a That was a incredibly hard
261. 8:31thing for me to admit to myself.
262. 8:34Uh obviously, somebody can punch you in
263. 8:36the face and you can get hurt, but as
264. 8:37far as emotionally be hurt, there is
265. 8:40some agreement. You have to agree that
266. 8:42the part of you that they're calling bad
267. 8:44or wrong is bad and wrong.
268. 8:47And if you don't agree with that,
269. 8:50if you're like, "Yeah, that's how I am.
270. 8:51This is human. This is how we all are."
271. 8:54And I don't have to beat myself up for
272. 8:55that. I don't have to flog myself for
273. 8:57that.
274. 8:58Then that's actually
275. 9:00makes you
276. 9:02incredibly strong,
277. 9:04and it's done through vulnerability. It
278. 9:06isn't done
279. 9:07through,
280. 9:08you know, being armored.
281. 9:11And it's it's a beautiful I think that
282. 9:12my favorite phrase on this I is a Taoist
283. 9:15phrase, and it says, "If you're attacked
284. 9:17by a sword, be the ocean."
285. 9:20Right? It's a You doesn't matter how
286. 9:22sharp the sword is, how strong the sword
287. 9:24is. If it's attacking the ocean, it it
288. 9:26makes no difference at all. And you're
289. 9:28watching that happen.
290. 9:30You're And it And it only comes through
291. 9:32self-acceptance.
292. 9:34>> I I [music] I'm so crazy.
293. 9:36>> How crazy are you?
294. 9:38There we go.
295. 9:40>> [laughter]
296. 9:45>> Yeah.
297. 9:52Yeah.
298. 9:57Right. And that mirror
299. 9:59when it's the funniest thing is that
300. 10:01last piece is
301. 10:03the guy who attacked him now having to
302. 10:05look in the mirror of himself. And
303. 10:06that's the amazing thing, right? If you
304. 10:08attack back, if you defend yourself, and
305. 10:11the person feels attacked, then then
306. 10:13they can keep on making it about you.
307. 10:15You can still be the problem. You can be
308. 10:17the one to blame. But if you
309. 10:19are
310. 10:22defenseless, if you can say, "Oh, hey.
311. 10:24Yeah, I can totally see the truth in
312. 10:26what you're saying."
313. 10:27Then they have nothing to attack anymore
314. 10:29but themselves.
315. 10:39>> [music]