I’ve been struggling - Theo Von “This Past Weekend” — Transcript

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1. 0:00You know, I've been struggling, man.
2. 0:02I've the past like couple years I've
3. 0:03had, you know, it's been a struggle in
4. 0:06in certain ways with certain behaviors
5. 0:09that I'm just not proud of, right? Or
6. 0:11really just behaviors that I didn't want
7. 0:13to do anymore.
8. 0:15I couldn't change. I could I I tried
9. 0:17everything.
10. 0:18I tried everything to change I I would
11. 0:20tell myself I'm going to do it different
12. 0:22I'm going to do that and it wouldn't it
13. 0:23just I could I couldn't do it.
14. 0:27I couldn't do it by myself.
15. 0:30And my whole life I'd done everything by
16. 0:32myself. I thought
17. 0:34I thought I had.
18. 0:37So that's been just been something that
19. 0:39I've been having to ask myself is like
20. 0:40yeah, do I want to be healed?
21. 0:43Do I really want something different?
22. 0:49And sometimes a lot a lot of the answer
23. 0:52is no. I don't.
24. 0:54I want something different, but I don't
25. 0:56want to
26. 0:58I don't know if I'm if I'm scared of I
27. 0:59don't know what I am.
28. 1:01I don't know if I don't want to do what
29. 1:02it takes to get I I I can't even tell
30. 1:04what it is. It's hard for me This is
31. 1:06some of this stuff is a little bit hard
32. 1:07for me to say. I think I don't even know
33. 1:08why, but I I think I want a new
34. 1:11story.
35. 1:13It's been a good story and it's served
36. 1:15me well, but I don't want that story
37. 1:16anymore. You know, I want something
38. 1:18different.
39. 1:21Because the more I just tell that story
40. 1:23it's just like
41. 1:27you know, I stay in that world. I stay
42. 1:29in that cycle
43. 1:31for me and I think I
44. 1:33um
45. 1:34Yeah, so I want to have a I think I and
46. 1:35it's scary to say that I want to have a
47. 1:37new story because I'm so used to like
48. 1:39how those other feelings work. I know
49. 1:41who to be angry at. I know how to
50. 1:43operate here and I know how to operate
51. 1:44there and I know who to not give love to
52. 1:47and I
53. 1:49you know,
54. 1:51I know how to make like love like very
55. 1:53conditional. I know how to like do all
56. 1:55of these I know how to navigate
57. 1:57to get this [ __ ] up vehicle down the
58. 1:59street.
59. 2:01But I think I want a new story, dude.
60. 2:03And it's crazy for me to even say that.
61. 2:06But yeah, I think I want a new story.
62. 2:09And
63. 2:14And so that's one thing that I'm asking
64. 2:15God for.
65. 2:18Yeah, I'm asking God for a new story,
66. 2:19right? I'm asking God for the next part
67. 2:21of my of me.
68. 2:23I couldn't change it. I couldn't change
69. 2:25the cycle. And even as I say this, I'm
70. 2:27afraid that I'll fall back into those
71. 2:29behavior. And I never thought I would be
72. 2:31saying some of this stuff, but I'm glad
73. 2:33that I am because I just I'm ready for a
74. 2:35new story.
75. 2:37I'm ready for a new story.
76. 2:40And I'm ready for like
77. 2:44Yeah, and the scary part is I don't I
78. 2:45like is who will I be if I let go of
79. 2:47these things that I've always
80. 2:49done and known, some of these behaviors.
81. 2:51If I even can let go of some of them and
82. 2:54and I know I'm not going to get anything
83. 2:56right or whatever and there's no like it
84. 2:58just like uh
85. 3:01I don't know, man. I don't even know
86. 3:03what I'm saying. I'm kind of tired.
87. 3:05Um
88. 3:10What what can I
89. 3:11What can I suggest you think, Trev, or
90. 3:13offer some thought? Do you have any
91. 3:15thought about any of this?
92. 3:17>> I think it's it's really hard and I
93. 3:18think praying is a great first step if
94. 3:21you don't know where to go or how to
95. 3:22break this break a cycle.
96. 3:24>> Yeah. Yeah, that that that that's it. I
97. 3:26just like yeah, I just start like that's
98. 3:28that's something that's helped me is I
99. 3:29just started praying, but I started
100. 3:31praying like
101. 3:33like as honestly as I could.
102. 3:36Like I would God, please help me to I
103. 3:37don't want to do this anymore. I don't
104. 3:39want to have this behavior.
105. 3:41But there'll be a little part of me that
106. 3:42was like I know even as I ask ask
107. 3:46for God's help that
108. 3:48I'm going to do it again. I would know I
109. 3:50would know that.
110. 3:52So I started praying like this. I
111. 3:53started praying like, "God,
112. 3:58please help me
113. 4:00with this.
114. 4:01You know, this is a broken part of me
115. 4:03that I
116. 4:04bring to you. I need help with it." And
117. 4:06then I would add to my prayer, I would
118. 4:07say, "And even God, even as I pray to
119. 4:09you right now, there's a part of me that
120. 4:12knows I'm probably lying to you.
121. 4:15There's a part of me that knows I'm
122. 4:16going to do that behavior again. So, can
123. 4:18you come into that part of me
124. 4:21and help me there?
125. 4:25Help me in the part of me that knows as
126. 4:26I pray that I am
127. 4:28that I'm lying.
128. 4:30You know, sometimes I realized for
129. 4:32myself I would pray to God to tell me
130. 4:33get away from certain behaviors in my
131. 4:35life.
132. 4:36Uh but at the same time that I was
133. 4:38praying, there would be a part of me
134. 4:40that knew
135. 4:42I was probably going to do those things
136. 4:43again.
137. 4:44I don't know. I've like I've sat in
138. 4:46rooms and been in meetings and done this
139. 4:48for like I've done that cycle long time
140. 4:50and right now something's feeling a
141. 4:51little bit different and it's scary for
142. 4:52me to even say that because there's a
143. 4:54part of me that doesn't want things to
144. 4:56be different, but there's a part of me
145. 4:57that's growing that wants to have a new
146. 4:59story for me.
147. 5:01And I didn't think I could have a new
148. 5:02story.
149. 5:03You know, I think maybe in my head I did
150. 5:06and [ __ ] but I in my heart I didn't
151. 5:07think that.
152. 5:09So, that's something that's been helping
153. 5:10me
154. 5:11uh because some of it's been coming true
155. 5:14and um I'm for something's coming true.
156. 5:16I don't know if that's a term, but
157. 5:17uh
158. 5:19I don't know. I'm starting to just feel
159. 5:21something different.
160. 5:22And yeah, to get out of the cycle, man,
161. 5:24it's hard.
162. 5:26And to show up for myself, other things
163. 5:28that I've been doing is I've been
164. 5:29getting up early. I've been doing some
165. 5:31yoga. I've been doing a workout at home.
166. 5:34Started coming to my own rescue
167. 5:37a little bit. But I started just showing
168. 5:39up for myself and if I told somebody I'm
169. 5:41going to do something, then I came and
170. 5:42did it.
171. 5:46And I have a I've never done that a lot
172. 5:47in life, but for the past few weeks I've
173. 5:49been doing it. And
174. 5:52when
175. 5:53when I say something and then I do it,
176. 5:56there's a part of me that hears that,
177. 5:58right?
178. 6:00And there's a part of me that starts to
179. 6:01have like a okay, this guy is he's
180. 6:03somebody who says he's going to do
181. 6:04something and he and he does it.
182. 6:06And so that then part of me starts to
183. 6:08build up that it's like I'm it's like
184. 6:10I'm building somebody new, man.
185. 6:13Um and I'm not trying to challenge you
186. 6:15or anything. I'm just telling you kind
187. 6:16of what's been working for me.
188. 6:19I don't know the answer to how to get
189. 6:21out of the cycle. I don't know.
190. 6:24And if I ever get all the way out, I
191. 6:26promise I'll I'll share it with you.