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I Trained as a Spy — Here's How to Control Your Emotions — Transcript

by Aliia Roza · 2,567 words · 402 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:06Picture a spy sitting in an
0:09interrogation room, cold face, no
0:11reaction. Someone is firing hard
0:14questions at them and they don't even
0:17blink. Think about someone like James
0:19Bond. And here is what almost nobody
0:22tells you. That's not the real skill.
0:26The real skill is not feeling nothing
0:29because that's not even possible. Fear
0:32still shows up. The heart still speeds
0:34up. The body still reacts every single
0:37time. The real skill is something else.
0:40It's what you do in the first few
0:43seconds after that fear shows up. And
0:45that's exactly what I was trained to do.
0:48Today, in this episode, I'm going to
0:51show you the exact principle behind it.
0:54And it's not just useful in an
0:56interrogation room. It's useful when
0:59your boss messages you, "Oh, we need to
1:01talk right now." Or when your partner
1:03says, "We need to talk about our
1:05relationship." Or when you walk into an
1:08interview and just suddenly forget your
1:12own name. Or when someone says something
1:14to you and every part of you wants to
1:17snap back immediately. So, let's get
1:20into it. Hi, my name is Alia Rosa and I
1:23am a behavioral analyst and a certified
1:26coach. And before this, I worked as a
1:29secret agent fighting human and drug
1:31trafficking. Staying calm under real
1:34pressure during questioning, during
1:37high-stakes moments wasn't optional in
1:40that job. It was trained into me piece
1:44by piece. Now, on this channel, I break
1:47down that same training so you can use
1:50it, too, in everyday life, in hard
1:53conversations, job interviews,
1:56conflicts, anywhere your emotions try to
1:59take the wheel before you do. So, let's
2:02talk about what people get wrong about
2:04emotional control, and let's start with
2:06something most people misunderstand. We
2:09think emotional control means not
2:12showing emotions, not getting angry, not
2:15showing fear, talking in a calm voice
2:18even when everything inside you is
2:21boiling. And yes, sometimes that
2:25genuinely necessary, but here is the
2:27problem. If you are already furious, and
2:31you just tell yourself, "Okay, stay
2:34calm.
2:35Don't show it to anyone." You haven't
2:37actually calmed yourself down. You've
2:39just added a second job on top of the
2:42first one. Now your brain has to do two
2:45things at once, feel the emotion and
2:49make sure nobody notices. Control your
2:52voice, your face, your hands, your
2:55posture, your words. This is exactly why
2:59after some hard conversations, you walk
3:02away and realize, "I don't even remember
3:05half of what he said." Because the whole
3:07time you weren't actually listening to
3:10the conversation. You were busy trying
3:13not to lose it. And this is where it
3:16gets interesting. How an emotion
3:19actually shows up. An emotion doesn't
3:22appear just because something happened.
3:25There is a very important step in
3:28between the event and your reaction. You
3:31tell yourself a story about what
3:33happened. Picture this. Your boss sends
3:36you a message. "Come see me, please,
3:39right now." That's it. That's the whole
3:41message. But your brain can build an
3:44entire story out of it in about 2
3:47seconds. Okay, something is wrong. I
3:50probably messed something up. This is
3:53going to be serious. Maybe I'm getting
3:56fired. And that's it. 1 minute later,
3:59you are anxious, stressed, even though
4:03your boss might just want to talk to you
4:05if you are free for a meeting. One event
4:08happened, but the story told yourself
4:11about that event was something
4:14completely different. And that gap right
4:16now, right there, is exactly where you
4:19get the chance to influence your own
4:22reaction. And there are two completely
4:24different approaches here. The first is
4:27suppression. You're already angry,
4:30already scared, already spiraling, and
4:33now you're trying to act like everything
4:36is fine. Don't show it, don't react,
4:39smile, keep your voice calm. In the
4:42short term, this can look like great
4:45self-control, but the emotion hasn't
4:47actually gone anywhere. You've just put
4:50a lid on it. It's a bit like holding a
4:53door shut against the wind that's
4:55already blown it open.
4:58You're using a lot of energy, and the
5:00pressure behind the door never actually
5:03goes away. The second approach is
5:05reappraisal. This one starts much
5:08earlier. You're not trying to get rid of
5:11the emotions, you're changing how you
5:13see the situation in the first place.
5:17For example, before a hard conversation,
5:19instead of thinking, "This is about to
5:22be disaster," you can think, "Okay, this
5:25is an uncomfortable conversation, but
5:29it's just a conversation." Before an
5:31interview, instead to tell yourself,
5:33"They are judging every word I'm
5:35saying," you can think and say to your
5:37brain, "I'm here to talk about my work,
5:41and I'm also deciding whether this
5:44company is right for me." This situation
5:47hasn't changed, but the story your brain
5:49attached to it has changed. And because
5:52of that, your reaction can change, too.
5:55Let's talk about example almost everyone
5:58recognizes. Let's say you send someone a
6:00message,
6:01they read it, and they don't reply.
6:04Maybe just because they're busy. An hour
6:06passes, then two, then three, and your
6:09brain starts working overtime.
6:12He or she is ignoring me on purpose. I
6:15annoyed him or like her. That's it. It's
6:20over. He probably doesn't want to talk
6:23to me anymore. And now you are upset,
6:26even though objectively, only one thing
6:29actually happened. Someone read a
6:31message and hasn't replied yet.
6:33Everything else is your own guesswork.
6:36You can believe that first story and
6:38start spiraling, or you can pause and
6:41say to your brain, "I don't actually
6:44know yet why he hasn't replied, but
6:48maybe they're busy." That doesn't mean
6:50forcing yourself to think positively.
6:52Maybe he or she really is ignoring you,
6:56but until you actually have that
6:58information, it's just a one possible
7:01version of events, not a fact. And that
7:04small pause between the fact and your
7:07interpretation of it can change a lot.
7:10Another thing, which is quite
7:12interesting, why the poker face doesn't
7:15actually solve anything. So, let's go
7:18back to that spy in the movie, sitting
7:22in interrogation room, face perfectly
7:25calm, voice steady, zero visible
7:28emotion, and it looks like real control.
7:31But you can just switch the body off. If
7:34you're panicking on the inside while
7:37forcing calm on the outside, your body
7:40still reacts. Your heart still race.
7:43Your breathing gets shallow. Your muscle
7:47tense up. And meanwhile, your brain is
7:50burning energy trying to hide all of it.
7:52So, someone can look completely calm and
7:55walk out of that room completely wiped
7:59out. They won't calm. They were working
8:02incredibly hard to look calm. Those are
8:05two different things. There is another
8:08problem here, too. When you suppress a
8:10reaction, part of your attention gets
8:13pulled away to manage it. Picture a
8:15conflict. Someone says something
8:17hurtful, and in that exact moment,
8:20you're thinking, "Don't respond. Don't
8:22respond. Don't roll your eyes. Stay
8:24calm. Don't raise your voice. Don't let
8:27them see this got to you." Then, they
8:31ask, "So, what do you think?" And you
8:33realize you don't actually remember half
8:36of the conversation. Why? Because the
8:38whole time, part of your attention was
8:42busy controlling your own reaction
8:44instead of actually listening. This is
8:48especially costly in situations where
8:51you need to listen carefully and
8:53remember details. Negotiations,
8:56interviews, an important conversation
8:59with a partner, or conflict with someone
9:01who has information you actually need.
9:04So, let's talk about how spies train for
9:07high-pressure situations. And this is
9:10where it connects back to intelligence
9:12and military training. People who have
9:14to operate in extreme situations aren't
9:17trained to feel nothing. They're trained
9:21so that stress isn't a completely
9:24unfamiliar feeling anymore. There is a
9:26principle sometimes called stress
9:29inoculation. The idea is fairly simple.
9:33A person is gradually exposed to
9:34controlled stressful situations not to
9:38break them, but to help them learn how
9:41to move through pressure and recover
9:43from it afterward. Think of it like
9:46training for anything else. If you have
9:49never spoken in front of people before,
9:52the first few seconds on stage can feel
9:54terrifying, heart pounding, hands
9:58shaking, mind completely blank. But, if
10:01you have already rehearsed the talk a
10:03few times in front of the camera,
10:05friends, or small group of people, the
10:08real stage isn't total unknown anymore.
10:12Your brain gets a very specific signal.
10:15I have been in something like this
10:18before. I know what to do, and that
10:21changes your reaction completely. So,
10:24practice makes it perfect. Here is a
10:27tool that sounds too simple to actually
10:29work, breathing.
10:31When we are nervous, breathing always
10:34gets faster and shallow. So, before a
10:36hard conversation, it's often more
10:38useful to skip repeating, "I'm calm. I'm
10:41calm. I'm calm." to yourself, and
10:43instead just slow your breathing down
10:47and make the rhythm more even. A slow,
10:50longer exhale helps the most. You're not
10:54solving the problem, and you're not
10:56forcing yourself to stop being nervous.
10:58You're simply sending your body one
11:01clear signal, "I don't need to run right
11:04now." And sometimes that genuinely
11:06enough to stop anxiety from spiraling
11:09any further. Now, we can circle back to
11:14interrogations. If someone just sits
11:16there with a blank face, that doesn't
11:19mean they're actually calm. The body
11:22still reacts to stress, and the face is
11:25far from the only source of information.
11:28This is exactly why just don't show
11:30anything works a lot worse in real life
11:33that it does in the movies. What matters
11:36far more is how the person perceives the
11:40situation itself. And every question
11:42feels like you are about to catch me or
11:46one mistake and everything falls apart.
11:48Stress will just keep building and
11:50building. For example, in my military
11:52training, we supposed to train our brain
11:57not to think about any failures. So
12:00there was never plan B, what if I will
12:04fail? It was always important to focus
12:08on the success. But if someone has
12:11already rehearsed situations like this
12:13and sees what's happening as a familiar
12:15script, I'm being asked questions, I
12:18answer them
12:20one at a time, direction can be
12:22completely different. Not because they
12:25don't care, but because the brain is
12:28interpreting the exact same event in a
12:30completely different way. And here is
12:34where this whole idea becomes genuinely
12:37useful for you. You don't need to be a
12:40spy to use this exact same principle. A
12:43hard conversation with your partner is
12:45coming up. You can walk in thinking,
12:47"Oh, this is about to be huge fight." Or
12:50you can walk in thinking, "We are both
12:53frustrated right now, but we need to
12:56work through one specific issue
12:59together." A job interview, for example,
13:02you can think, "Oh, they're going to
13:05judge every single word I say."
13:07But instead say to your brain, "This is
13:10a conversation between two people. They
13:13are evaluating me, which is normal, but
13:15I'm also evaluating them."
13:18For example, for public speaking,
13:20instead of saying to yourself,
13:21"Everyone's going to notice I'm
13:24nervous." You can think instead, "I'm
13:27nervous because this actually matters to
13:29me." And that doesn't stop me from
13:32speaking and share my knowledge to
13:34people. You're not changing reality.
13:38You're changing the meaning your brain
13:40assigns to that reality.
13:43Now, here is the interesting part,
13:46manipulation.
13:48If this mechanism works on us, that
13:52means it can also be used against us.
13:56And honestly, you've probably run into
13:58this already. And
14:01advertisement, for example, says,
14:03"Today only sales 50%. Tomorrow it will
14:07be ended."
14:08A normal purchase suddenly turns into an
14:12urgent decision.
14:13Or
14:15"Only three spots left. Get it now."
14:19And now you are not asking, "Do I
14:22actually need it?"
14:24You're asking, "What if I miss out?"
14:28You're not just being shown a product.
14:31You're being handed a ready-made
14:33interpretation of the situation. This
14:36isn't pressure. It's an opportunity. If
14:39you don't decide now, you will regret
14:42it. And the faster you accept that
14:44story, the less time you leave yourself
14:47to ask the much simpler question, "Do I
14:51actually want or need this at all?" The
14:54same mechanism that helps you manage
14:56your own reaction can be used to manage
14:59someone's else's reaction.
15:01And that's exactly why it's worth
15:03understanding. So, let's talk about four
15:05things you can try today. Number one,
15:08when you feel a stronger reaction coming
15:10on, ask yourself, "What actually
15:12happened?" Not what it means, not why
15:16this person is doing this to me, just
15:18literally, "What happened?" This helps
15:20separate the fact from your
15:22interpretation of it. Second, ask
15:25yourself, "What story am I telling
15:27myself right now?" For example, they're
15:30going to ignore me on purpose, they are
15:33trying to humiliate me, I'm definitely
15:36going to fail this, this is about to go
15:39bad. Then try to find at least one other
15:42possible version. It doesn't have to be
15:44a positive one, just a different one.
15:47The third one is breathing. If you feel
15:49yourself starting to spiral, don't force
15:52yourself to stop being nervous. Just
15:55slow your breathing down, make the
15:57rhythm calmer, and focus especially on
16:00the exhale.
16:03>> [sighs and gasps]
16:05>> Fourth, rehearse the things that scare
16:07you. A hot conversation coming up? Talk
16:10through it out loud beforehand, in front
16:12of the mirror, for example. Or like a
16:14job interview? Answer the uncomfortable
16:17questions out loud in advance. A speech?
16:20Run through a public speech a few times.
16:23The more experience you build, the less
16:26unfamiliar the real moment will feel.
16:29So, let's get back to where we started.
16:32A secret agent, a spy, sitting in an
16:35interrogation room, completely calm on
16:38the outside. That's a beautiful image
16:41from the movies, but real emotions
16:43control is far more interesting than
16:46that. It's not I feel nothing, it's I
16:50feel this, and I understand exactly
16:53what's happening inside me. I can notice
16:56fear, I can notice anger, I can notice
16:59the urge to snap back immediately. But,
17:02between that emotion and my next action,
17:06I give myself at least a few seconds.
17:08And sometimes, those few seconds are
17:11enough to completely change the outcome
17:14of a conversation. So, next time you
17:16feel yourself getting swept up, don't
17:19tell yourself "Calm down."
17:20[clears throat] Ask yourself instead,
17:22"What actually just happened? What story
17:25have I started building around it? And
17:28do I really need to react the way I want
17:31to right now?" Because real control was
17:33never about having no emotions at all.
17:36It's about having the space to choose
17:39what you do next. If this changed how
17:42you think about pressure, please comment
17:45below and tell me which situation you
17:47want to handle differently. An argument,
17:51a job interview, a hard conversation
17:53with your partner, or with someone you
17:55love. And if you want to actually train
17:57this, not just understand it, but
18:00practice it, please join our Rosa Club
18:03and join our Zoom question and answers
18:07on a regular basis, where I walk you
18:10through the exact techniques I used in
18:12the field, adapted for real life.
18:15Staying steady under pressure, reading
18:17manipulation before it works on you, and
18:20choosing your response instead of
18:22reacting on autopilot. Please comment
18:25"control" below this video, and we will
18:27send you the link to join a Zoom call.
18:30Thank you so much for being here. Thank
18:32you for watching. Please subscribe, and
18:35see you in the next video.
18:38>> [music]
18:41[bell]

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