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I Stopped Believing in "The One". Here's Why. (and book recommendations) — Transcript

by Andriana Nik · 6,887 words · 1,063 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00I think one of the biggest reasons I
0:01stayed [music] stuck in unhealthy
0:04relationships or even spending years
0:06>> [music]
0:06>> obsessing over finding love is because
0:09I, as so many other people, have been
0:12sold on very convincing [music] lie. And
0:14that is the myth that there is one
0:17person out there who is meant for you.
0:19That one person [music]
0:20that is your soulmate, your missing
0:23piece, your other half. [music] That one
0:25person that is the one. And I know it's
0:28very romantic, [music] it's beautiful,
0:30it makes for incredible movies, and even
0:32for bestselling novels. But [music] I
0:35also think that it's one of the most
0:36damaging beliefs that we have
0:38collectively normalized about [music]
0:40love. Because if you genuinely believe
0:43that there's only one person out there
0:45that is meant [music] for you, think
0:47about what that automatically creates.
0:50It creates pressure, it creates
0:52scarcity, it creates fear, [music] and
0:54it also creates a lot of anxiety. And
0:57that happens because suddenly every
0:59[music] person that you meet, they have
1:02enormous significance. They're either
1:04into the category of being the one or
1:07being [music] a waste of your time that
1:09is holding you back from meeting the
1:11one. So, what happens is that every
1:13breakup, [music]
1:14it becomes very devastating because what
1:18if you have just lost the one? What if
1:20you just did something that ruined
1:23everything with [music] that one person?
1:25Every dating experience, it becomes
1:27loaded with a lot of pressure because
1:29what if you are wasting your [music]
1:31time with the wrong person? Every
1:33disagreement that you have in your
1:34relationship, it becomes a reason for
1:37you to [music] question whether you have
1:39chosen correctly. And if you're still
1:42single, you begin wondering whether you
1:44have maybe somehow missed [music] the
1:46mark, maybe you missed your chance, you
1:48missed the boat, or whether your person
1:51[music] maybe simply doesn't exist.
1:53Because the difference between one and
1:55zero is very small. If [music] we think
1:57that some people, the luckiest of people
2:00are assigned one, you could see
2:01yourself, maybe I'm just unlucky,
2:03[music] maybe I don't have that one. The
2:05idea of the one doesn't make love feel
2:08[music] magical. It just makes it feel
2:10scarce. And I don't believe that's how
2:12healthy love is supposed to feel. Hi
2:14guys, I'm Andriana and welcome [music]
2:16back to my channel. So today I'm talking
2:18about the idea of the one and how I
2:21believe that is one of the most damaging
2:23beliefs that [music] we have
2:24collectively normalized and how we
2:27should be looking [music] at love
2:29instead from an angle that is more
2:32abundant and more [music]
2:34healthy in the way that it will allow us
2:36to see love with faith and like trust
2:40rather than from [music] scarcity and
2:42fear. When I was growing up, I really
2:45loved those romantic movies. And I've
2:48seen that the
2:49>> [music]
2:49>> you know, the entire plot is usually
2:52revolved around two people who were
2:55somehow destined [music] to be together.
2:57And these are the two people that
2:59against all odds, they [music] found
3:01each other and they stuck with each
3:02other and the moment that they did,
3:05their lives suddenly started making
3:07sense. So we have been taught that
3:09[music] love is something that we
3:11discover, that we stumble upon rather
3:14than something that we can intentionally
3:15[music] create and add into our lives.
3:19We have been taught that there is just
3:20[music] one perfect person out there
3:22somewhere on this planet that we are
3:26waiting for to come into our lives so
3:28they can complete our story, [music] so
3:30they can help us make sense of our world
3:33and of our life, honestly. After a lot
3:36of years of thinking like that, [music]
3:37I eventually had to ask myself the
3:39question of, well, what if there isn't
3:41one soulmate? What if there thousands of
3:44people that you can just potentially
3:47build [music]
3:48a beautiful life with? What if love and
3:50relationships is something that you
3:52consciously
3:53>> [music]
3:53>> create, something that you create
3:56intentionally. These questions started
3:58to shatter
3:59>> [music]
3:59>> that those beliefs and assumptions I've
4:02made in the past. Seeing all of these
4:04romantic movies, and it really changed
4:07[music] the way that I approach
4:09relationships. Because instead of
4:11searching for the right person, I
4:14started focusing on becoming [music] the
4:16right person. And that is because I
4:19understood that they this is something
4:21that won't just out of destiny [music]
4:24happen to me, but it's something that I
4:26will have to take responsibility for to
4:29create [music] and to align with. So,
4:31while I was dating, I had to stop asking
4:33all of these questions of, "Well, is
4:36this my soulmate? Is this [music] the
4:37person that I'm supposed to marry? What
4:40if I miss my chance? What if I do
4:42something to ruin [music] it?" And I
4:44started asking questions more like,
4:48"Well, do our values align? Do we bring
4:50out the best [music] in each other? Are
4:52we able to communicate well? Are we
4:54willing to grow together? Do we both
4:56choose this relationship every single
4:58day?" I understood that healthy
5:00relationships [music]
5:01are not built on faith or on destiny. I
5:06was able to start [music] noticing the
5:07pattern that healthy relationships are
5:11built on compatibility, [music]
5:13on emotional maturity, on the right
5:15timing, shared values, and conscious
5:18choice. [music] And I personally started
5:20to realize that, "Wait, this is way much
5:23more romantic [music]
5:24than the idea of a soulmate." One of my
5:26favorite realizations actually about
5:28relationships [music] is that I
5:29genuinely believe that there's only two
5:32conditions that [music] are required for
5:34a relationship to work. The first
5:36condition is compatibility, is what we
5:38call chemistry and [music] alignment
5:40between two people, and the second one
5:42is the willingness to make [music] it
5:44work. Which means is like two people who
5:48align with each other, they are
5:50compatible [music]
5:51with each other, and secondly, they are
5:53willing after that to choose one another
5:56and [music] choose to make that
5:58relationship work. And that's it. I
6:00think that we have massively over
6:03complicated love. We are so confused
6:04[music] with so much information and so
6:07much noise about relationships. [music]
6:09We obsess without reason over soulmates,
6:13over timing, over zodiac signs, whether
6:16someone is meant [music] for us, whether
6:18the universe is sending us signs,
6:20whether we're supposed to feel some
6:22magical certainty [music] from the very
6:24beginning of a relationship. When you
6:27really look at healthy lasting
6:28relationships, [music]
6:29they all have one thing in common. And
6:32that is two people who are committed
6:34[music] to choosing one another. And
6:36that is two people who are compatible
6:39with each other, have that chemistry
6:40with each other, [music] and who are
6:42committed to choosing one another.
6:45Because here's what I failed to
6:47understand at the beginning of my
6:50relationship's journey. [music] And that
6:52is that every long-term relationship
6:55will eventually [music] experience
6:57difficult conversations,
6:59misunderstandings, stressful seasons of
7:01life, [music] moments where one person
7:03is struggling more than the other.
7:05You're going to experience inevitably
7:07[music] personal growth and change.
7:09You're going to experience
7:10disagreements, conflict, and honestly
7:13periods that don't feel [music] so
7:16effortless. And there is no soulmate
7:18exemption from being human. Finding the
7:22one doesn't suddenly [music] mean that
7:23you never have to navigate challenges
7:26together ever again in your lives. I
7:28genuinely don't think that relationships
7:31work because two people were magically
7:35[music] destined to be together. And
7:36because they were magically destined to
7:38be together, they are meant to believe a
7:40magical effortless drama-free life.
7:43[music] I think that the reason that the
7:45relationships work is because two people
7:47decide that they're willing [music]
7:50they're willing to figure it out and
7:52they're willing to figure it out
7:53together. And they continuously ask
7:56themselves, "How can we make this work?
7:59How can we make sure [music]
8:02we show up for this?" Instead of asking,
8:05"Oh, maybe we're not meant to be." and
8:07[music] doubting the relationship. And
8:09that is the truth. The truth is that
8:11almost every healthy, happy couple
8:14[music] that you admire, they could have
8:17easily become strangers by now had they
8:19made different choices throughout their
8:21relationship. Had one of them made one
8:25choice of not prioritizing the [music]
8:27relationship, giving up, or not willing
8:29to make it work anymore. They could have
8:31as easily [music] be done, could have
8:33been done right there and then. This is
8:36where it brings us to the realization
8:37that relationships are not maintained by
8:40[music] destiny. There's not a puppet
8:41master that we call God, that we call
8:44the universe, and is like [music] um
8:45holding the strings of our life and
8:47therefore controlling of how these two
8:49people are meant to stay together.
8:51[music]
8:51And no matter what happens, they're just
8:54going to stick around. We understand
8:56that we have power [music] over our
8:57relationships. Relationships are
8:59actually maintained by our thousands of
9:03conscious [music] decisions.
9:05Our decisions, our power to decide
9:08[music]
9:08what we do, how we react, our decisions
9:12to stay open, to communicate, to grow,
9:15and to choose one another. Love is much
9:18less about finding the right person,
9:20[music] and is much more about two
9:23people becoming the right people [music]
9:25for each other over time. I think this
9:28is infinitely more romantic than the
9:31idea of soulmates. [music] Because
9:32imagine this, someone is not with you
9:34because some invisible cosmic force is
9:38assigning them to you and therefore
9:39[music] there's no other option for them
9:41but to make it work with you. They are
9:43with you because every single day they
9:46wake [music] up and they choose you.
9:48They make the conscious choice to choose
9:51you. You do the same.
9:53>> [music]
9:53>> You consciously choose them. Out of the
9:56billions of people on this planet,
9:58[music] they consciously decide you are
10:00the person they want to build their life
10:02with and not because they have to and
10:04not because there's no other choice but
10:06because they are the one and you have to
10:08make it work. [music] Not because fate
10:10has assigned them to you but because
10:12they genuinely want to. They [music]
10:14genuinely decide consciously that this
10:17is what they want. One of the biggest
10:19mindset shifts that changed [music] my
10:20life was also realizing that
10:23compatibility isn't something [music]
10:25that is found. Isn't something that
10:27again you stumble upon. It's also
10:29something that you create. People
10:31[music] spend so many years looking for
10:33that perfect person that has all the
10:36qualities that they're looking for and
10:38they have no flaws. And I'm not saying
10:40that for [music] you to then understand
10:42from this that oh okay then maybe I
10:44should just focus on the potential of a
10:46person. [music] But I want you to
10:47understand that the right relationship
10:50will feel effortless, yes, [music]
10:52but not because you have found the one
10:54but because you have found the one that
10:56is willing to do the right thing by the
10:58relationship. Again, every healthy
11:01relationship requires [music]
11:02communication, requires compromise,
11:05vulnerability, emotional [music]
11:06intelligence, effort, growth, and
11:10choice. All of these relationships will
11:12face these realities [music]
11:14and believing in the one can sometimes
11:17become an excuse for us to avoid doing
11:20the work that [music] healthy love
11:22actually requires from us because we
11:24think that if something [music] becomes
11:26difficult, people immediately assume
11:28that okay well maybe they're not my
11:30soulmate because soulmates are supposed
11:32[music] to feel effortless and magical
11:34and dreamy. Instead, what we need to be
11:36asking is what can we learn from this?
11:39What is missing actually? What is
11:41missing from [music] me? And am I
11:43willing to do the personal work that is
11:46required [music] to add in this
11:47relationship, to add my part? You should
11:50always understand your partner [music]
11:52relationship and understand the part of
11:54the other person. Understand the part
11:56that you have control over.
11:58>> [music]
11:58>> And that's the only thing that you can
12:00work on and you can change and you can
12:02improve. When you have reached your own
12:03personal maximum, then you can decide,
12:06[music]
12:06"Well, why is this person not working on
12:09it? Why is this person not adding to
12:11it?" Um of course, there's [music] some
12:13relationships that they shouldn't be
12:15saved. And this is where the first
12:17condition comes in where we speak about
12:19compatibility because compatibility
12:21matters
12:22>> [music]
12:22>> tremendously. But, again, compatibility
12:25is very different from perfection. So,
12:29the idea of the one also creates [music]
12:31this one another dangerous belief. And
12:33that is the belief that love happens to
12:36us. So, instead of something that we
12:38actively participate [music]
12:40in creating. So, think about the
12:42language that we generally use around
12:44love. We use [music] phrases like, "Oh,
12:46I fell in love. I found my soulmate. I
12:49met my person." It's almost like
12:51something that happened to us. [music]
12:53Really do we talk about love as
12:56something that we intentionally build,
12:58something that we intentionally add in
13:00our lives. I want you to remember that
13:02lasting [music] love is not found in one
13:06single magical moment. Love is going to
13:09be created [music] through through
13:10thousands of ordinary moments, thousands
13:13of mundane moments. And [music] it's
13:15choosing that kindness during those
13:17difficult conversations, it's choosing
13:20vulnerability when it's [music]
13:21uncomfortable and your ego comes up,
13:23it's choosing to grow together, it's
13:25choosing to stay curious about one
13:27another no matter how long you've been
13:29with each other. [music] It's choosing
13:30each other over and over again, no
13:32matter how difficult [music] or
13:35uncomfortable or unfamiliar it can feel.
13:38It is just makes us understand that love
13:40is far [music] more intentional than we
13:42have been taught to believe. And so,
13:44ironically, letting go of the idea of
13:47the [music] one actually made dating so
13:49much easier for me. And that is because
13:52suddenly I wasn't placing [music] every
13:55person that I was meeting on the
13:57pedestal. I wasn't wondering whether
13:59this could [music] have been my future
14:01husband, and we were just, you know, on
14:03the second date. I wasn't any longer
14:06[music] terrified of making the wrong
14:08choice. I wasn't catastrophizing every
14:11single breakup and thinking that this is
14:13the end, because if things didn't work
14:16[music] out, I no longer understood it
14:19and interpreted it as, "Oh, I've lost my
14:22one chance at love." [music] Instead, I
14:24understood it from the perspective,
14:27"Well, we were just not aligned, and
14:28that's okay." [music] When you see it
14:30from that simple perspective, it just
14:33relaxes you so much. [music] Like, you
14:35stop blaming yourself. You stop seeing
14:38yourself as the reason of your
14:40suffering. Someone not being right for
14:42you and you not being right for them
14:44doesn't mean [music] something has gone
14:46wrong. Doesn't mean that they are um
14:49faulty [music] or you are faulty. It
14:51simply means that two humans weren't
14:53compatible in that particular season of
14:56their lives. And that realization is
14:58incredibly freeing [music] and also
15:00helps tremendously to release all of
15:03that pressure that we put on ourselves
15:05to make sure that we [music] don't do
15:08anything to break things and fail at
15:11things. So, I want to share with you the
15:13mindset shifts that completely changed
15:15the way that I think about [music]
15:16soulmates and the way that I think about
15:18relationships in general. And I'm also
15:20going to recommend you the books that I
15:22read that helped me establish [music]
15:24these mindset shifts because I know that
15:28to rewire ourselves, we need to have a
15:30new experience. And sometimes we don't
15:33have to wait for that experience to
15:35happen to [music] us to understand and
15:37to make that shift internally. We can
15:40create [music] that shift internally,
15:42that is what we need, through other
15:44experiences. So, books, whether they're
15:47whether you read about the story [music]
15:48of other people or whether you read
15:51books that explain to you a perspective
15:54in such a way that really like clicks
15:56[music] inside of you, I believe that
15:57they have the power to create that
16:00internal change on their own. For each
16:02point, for each mindset [music] shift,
16:04I'll recommend to you a book. So, if you
16:07feel like, "Oh, okay, with this one I'm
16:08struggling [music] a bit and I can't
16:09understand it because I understand it
16:12consciously, but I need it to go deeper
16:14than that. I want to understand it
16:15subconsciously." Then, by reading more
16:18about it and reading like books about it
16:21and journaling more about it, of course,
16:23can help that point sink in. I think
16:26these mindset shifts have the potential
16:28[music] to really free you as well from
16:31all this false propaganda that we were
16:33fed [music] about relationships, and it
16:35will finally allow you to create them,
16:37create your relationships from [music]
16:39an intentional space that comes from
16:41inside of you, like a personally
16:43intentional space. So, the first mindset
16:46shift was to stop looking for [music]
16:48the one. Was realizing that I need to
16:50stop being in the search for the one and
16:53instead to start looking for alignment.
16:55[music]
16:56So, after some failed talking stages, I
16:59was able to see that I'm not going on
17:01dates and dating people under that one
17:04strict condition [music]
17:05that they are the perfect one. But, I
17:08finally was able to see that, well, I'm
17:10going [music] on dates because I simply
17:12put myself out there to see how much I
17:15align with this person. And [music] I
17:17knew that based on probabilities that
17:19well, the people that I would end up
17:21aligning [music] with wouldn't be as
17:23many. But instead of letting that defeat
17:26[music] me, I simply saw it well, okay,
17:28well, this is a chance for me to go out
17:31there and to learn what I like and what
17:34I don't like from people. [music] To
17:35learn from this person what I connect
17:38with and what I don't connect with. And
17:39[music] see what are the things that I
17:41didn't realize were important to me in a
17:43partner. So, that and also seeing the
17:46date more from an angle that well, this
17:48[music] is a chance for me to make a
17:51potential friend rather than [music]
17:53just putting that huge expectation of
17:56finding your one person from this one
17:58single date [music] that is going to be
18:00the person for the rest of your life. It
18:02just puts too much pressure, too much
18:05expectation [music]
18:05on someone that literally you wouldn't
18:08even Maybe you don't even connect with.
18:09[music] Maybe you don't even have com-
18:11compatibility or chemistry with. So,
18:13when you go with simply the intention
18:15well, let me see if I will connect with
18:16this person [music] from a place of
18:19friendship, then it just drops all that
18:22pressure. You see that there are
18:23benefits from here [music] that for you
18:26that are not necessarily connected to
18:28fulfilling your need for a relationship.
18:31It's more fulfilling in the sense of
18:32having fun, making friends, [music] and
18:34also learning more about yourself. And
18:36it doesn't have to be that serious. So,
18:38what I did was I started to ask these
18:40questions
18:41>> [music]
18:41>> for the people that I will be dating. It
18:43wasn't that I was on a date and I wasn't
18:45running these questions, [music] but
18:46they were um I was getting the cues that
18:50will then be the answer to these [music]
18:52questions that I would be answering
18:53after a date, for example. So, I would
18:55ask well, do we share similar values?
18:57[music]
18:58Do we Did we seem to communicate well?
19:01Do I genuinely like who I am around this
19:03[music] person? Are we both emotionally
19:05available? Can we build a beautiful
19:08[music] life together? And these are the
19:09questions that focus on compatibility.
19:11And compatibility will always matter
19:13more than the idea of destiny, [music]
19:16the idea of faith. Being aligned and
19:18compatible is the first condition to a
19:21healthy relationship. And then comes the
19:23willingness to make it work. But if
19:25you're not first and foremost [music]
19:27aligned or compatible and you don't have
19:29neither share that chemistry with that
19:31person, then it doesn't matter how much
19:33you both [music] are trying to make it
19:35work. It simply won't. So, this mindset
19:38shift really became solidified by one
19:40[music] book that completely changed the
19:43way that I viewed relationships. And
19:45that was a book
19:47The Course of Love by Alain [music] de
19:49Botton. Alain de Botton? Alain de
19:51Botton. This book is probably one of the
19:53most realistic depictions of love that I
19:55have ever read because it really
19:56dismantles the idea that love is
19:58something that [music] we find. And
20:01instead it's teaching us that it's
20:03something that we build, something that
20:05we create. So, this is a novel that
20:08explores [music] what happens after a
20:11couple falls in love. And it's focusing
20:13on the lives of the two main [music]
20:16characters after marriage and the
20:20long-term [music] realities of having a
20:22shared love. So, this is a book that has
20:26a mix [music] of fictional story and
20:28also it has a lot of
20:30philosophical commentary that is really
20:32trying to show that love is really is a
20:36skill that we must [music] learn rather
20:38than just a feeling. It's not just
20:39something that we feel and something
20:41that it we stumble upon and we find, but
20:44it's something that we need to learn.
20:45[music] The key ideas that I took from
20:47this book
20:48is firstly that it's talking about the
20:50flawed ideals that we were given.
20:52Basically, the author explains that
20:54[music] the traditional romantic stories
20:56that we were sold, they do us a
20:58disservice because they make [music] us
21:01think that love should always be easy,
21:03it should be magical, it should be
21:05effortless, [music] right? The second
21:07key idea that I took from it is that
21:09love is a skill. So, real and [music]
21:11lasting love survives not by the magic
21:14that we're talking about, but [music]
21:16through that patience, the forgiveness,
21:18and the emotional maturity of the people
21:21involved. And the third key idea [music]
21:24that he's talking about is
21:26um the idea of our inner baggage and how
21:29in
21:29>> [music]
21:29>> our adult fights, in our adult
21:32relationships, they actually usually
21:34come from our childhood [music]
21:37wounds and our old insecurities that we
21:40end up projecting into our [music]
21:41partners. Because of those childhood
21:43wounds we see that we haven't healed
21:46[music] yet, we still feel like the
21:49child, we still feel like the wounded
21:51child that is inside of us, and we see
21:53our partners as our parents [music]
21:55that are our caregivers that created
21:58that wound, and we project that onto
21:59them. So, the second mindset shift is
22:02[music] understanding that love is a
22:03choice and not a cosmic assignment. So,
22:06this is the second condition where the
22:08willingness to make the relationship
22:10work comes [music] in. So, healthy
22:11relationships aren't sustained and kept
22:15by fate and kept by destiny, but they're
22:18actually sustained by the [music] two
22:19people who continuously choose one
22:22another. The most romantic thing in the
22:24world isn't someone being destined for
22:26you. It's someone consciously [music]
22:28choosing you every single day. And trust
22:31me, you will know the difference [music]
22:33between someone that is there because it
22:36is convenient and someone that [music]
22:37shows up every single day for the
22:39relationship because it is one of their
22:42priorities, because it's one of the
22:43things they care about. The one [music]
22:45book that changed my perspective on on
22:48this uh it was a book called [music]
22:50Everything I Know About Love by Dolly
22:53Alderton. And ironically, this is not a
22:55book about finding [music] romantic love
22:57at all. It's uh about growing up and
23:00realizing that life was never about
23:03waiting for that one [music] person to
23:04arrive before it could be beautiful, it
23:07could be experienced. So, it really
23:10talks about all of the chaos [music] of
23:12our early adulthood. Talks about the
23:14value of female friendships, and it
23:18speaks a lot also about self-discovery
23:21[music] and healing. And in this part
23:23that relates to our point is really
23:25talking about [music] overcoming deep
23:27insecurities and the that intense urge
23:30to seek validation through men, through
23:33the other gender. Is she speaking about
23:35surviving [music] painful breakups and
23:37learning those vital lessons from that
23:39rejection. And also about realizing that
23:43self-worth [music]
23:44comes from within and finding also that
23:48comfort from being alone and finding the
23:50value of that. The third mindset [music]
23:53shift that really dismantled the idea of
23:56the one was understanding that there are
23:58actually many people that you could
24:00potentially be [music] happy with. And I
24:03know this idea makes some people very
24:05uncomfortable because we have been
24:08really taught and [music] we have been
24:10drilled with this idea that soulmates
24:12are romantic and and they are making
24:15relationships unique and special.
24:16[music]
24:17Um and that, you know, that we are
24:19assigned one right person each of us and
24:22that's it. And that if we ever get to
24:25experience [music]
24:25a love that is so strong and so
24:27passionate and so emotionally charged
24:30that nothing else or no one else will
24:33ever measure [music]
24:34up to that or up to them. But, the truth
24:37is this idea is a construct of our mind.
24:40What I mean by that is that we [music]
24:41choose to assign so much meaning, so
24:45much potential, and so much future on
24:47one single person. And it's not [music]
24:50the universe that does that, it's us.
24:52And if we actually open up ourselves
24:54[music] to the possibility, we will see
24:56that love can be built with others. It
25:00could be created with another person.
25:03And obviously not in the same way
25:04[music]
25:05that you have created it with the last
25:07person, but maybe that's exactly [music]
25:09what we need. Honestly, shattering the
25:12idea of the one was very hard for me to
25:14understand at first, and I thought it
25:16really didn't make any [music] sense.
25:18But as I started digesting it more, I
25:21actually started to find this incredibly
25:24comforting. And that is because it means
25:26that love is not fragile. It means that
25:29you haven't missed [music] your chance.
25:31It means that if you break up, that is
25:33not the end of your story, [music] the
25:34end of your love story. It means that no
25:36matter how old you are and how many
25:39breakups you go through, the potential
25:41of love is still there. [music] And it
25:42means that your future isn't dependent
25:45on finding one specific person among
25:48[music] 8 billion people on this planet.
25:50It just proved to me that love is far
25:53more abundant [music] and for far more
25:55expansive than we have been taught to
25:59believe. And so, if you have ever
26:01struggled with understanding [music]
26:03this idea, and you also like really
26:06believe that there's only one person
26:07[music] that's meant for you, I would
26:09recommend the book One True Loves. And
26:11honestly, it's just a reminder that our
26:13hearts [music]
26:14are actually capable of loving more than
26:17once, and that love is often much more
26:20abundant [music] than we have been
26:22taught to believe. So, this is a book
26:25by [music] Taylor Jenkins Reid. It
26:28follows the story of Emma, who is a
26:30woman that is torn between [music] her
26:33long-lost husband who returns after who
26:37returns alive [music]
26:38after many years where they assumed that
26:41he died in a helicopter crash, [music]
26:42and her new fiance Sam, who is a
26:46childhood friend who helped her heal.
26:48This book explores the deeper meaning of
26:51how people change and [music] it's
26:53showing that a person can have more than
26:56one great love during different [music]
26:58stages of their lives. So, the next
27:00mindset shift that really helped me
27:02dismantle [music] the belief of the one
27:04was to stop romanticizing effortless
27:08love. And I really want to be clear
27:10about this one because [music] I do
27:12believe in love feeling effortless and
27:14and I do believe in not having to force
27:16things in relationships, not having to
27:18force things to happen, to unravel, to
27:20unfold, to just
27:22>> [music]
27:22>> try to control it. But, there is a
27:26distinction to be made. I believe that
27:28the verb of love is not [music]
27:30effortless. The action of showing love
27:34every single day in one way or another
27:37requires [music]
27:37some effort. Maybe not the same amount
27:40every single day, but it does require
27:43some effort some effort. That's what I
27:45mean by healthy love is not [music]
27:47effortless and that healthy love is
27:49intentional. I think that right
27:51relationship will feel obviously easier
27:54than toxic ones [music] in so many ways,
27:57especially in the amount of effort that
28:00if you have to add and put, but it will
28:03still require effort. [music] It will
28:05still require communication and it will
28:07still require growth from you. I think
28:10these are like fundamentals of
28:12relationships and [music] if you do not
28:14have them, then you do not have a
28:16relationship. And again, I want to
28:18clarify this because there's so many
28:20people that could [music] take this
28:22point and they can't understand it in a
28:24way that, "Oh, you see that well, love
28:27is not effortless.
28:28>> [music]
28:28>> That means that love has effort that
28:31therefore I'm supposed to try, I'm
28:33supposed to do things to prove my
28:35[music] worth, I'm supposed to prove
28:37myself, to prove my love to my partner,
28:40[music] otherwise they're not going to
28:42stay." And to that, I want to say that I
28:44completely disagree with. This is just a
28:47mindset that [music] comes from a place
28:49of scarcity, of fear and doubt, rather
28:52than from a place of true love and
28:55[music] true security. And you only do
28:57that because you feel that you need
28:59[music]
29:00to be useful. You feel like you need to
29:02be of constant service and action
29:06towards your partner in order to be
29:08deserving of love, in order to prove to
29:10yourself that [music] now I get to be
29:12loved back because I have earned it. And
29:16to me that is just a limiting belief
29:17that you [music] need to work on. Love
29:20doesn't have to be earned and it doesn't
29:22have to be proved.
29:23>> [music]
29:23>> It is something that is felt, it is seen
29:25and is noticed and that is entirely
29:27[music]
29:28different. So, one of the books that
29:30completely transformed the way that I
29:33think about [music] long-term
29:34relationships is a book by Esther Perel
29:37called Mating in Captivity. So, this
29:40book is explores the tension [music]
29:42between love, desire, commitment and it
29:45really reminds us that relationships are
29:48not [music] successful because they are
29:51effortless. They are effortless because
29:53two people continue to nurture them over
29:56time. The fifth mindset shift is [music]
29:59to learning to become the person that
30:01you are hoping to find. So, I remember
30:04the day that [music] I came to this
30:05realization. I was thinking of the
30:07person that I wanted to attract. So,
30:09[music] I came up with all these amazing
30:10qualities that I realized that I wanted
30:13and I needed in a partner. And then I
30:16realized that wait, if [music] I
30:18attracted this person tomorrow, then if
30:21there is someone that is secure in
30:23themselves and knows their worth, they
30:25will expect the same things [music] in
30:28return and they will expect these things
30:30from me. That made me question well,
30:32this person that I want to attract,
30:34[music] will that person be attracted to
30:36me and to that insecure version of me
30:39that I am [music] now. I was able to see
30:41that gap then and there of who I was and
30:44who I needed to be in order to attract
30:46[music]
30:47and to be in the same vibrational level
30:50as the person that I wanted to attract.
30:52I think a lot of us make the mistake of
30:54spending years trying [music] to
30:56identify who our soulmate is and who our
30:59soulmate will be while investing very
31:01little time becoming [music] someone who
31:04can create a healthy relationship while
31:06coming someone that that person we want
31:09to attract is going to be attracted
31:11[music] to in return. So, I took that as
31:13my sign to ask myself, well, [music] am
31:16I emotionally available? Do I
31:18communicate well? Can I regulate my
31:20emotions? Do I have [music] healthy
31:22boundaries? Have I created a life that
31:25I'm proud of? Do I have the [music] same
31:27healthy habits and the same healthy
31:28values that I expect from my person?
31:31Because the quality of your
31:32relationships [music]
31:33will always be limited by the quality of
31:36your relationship [music] with yourself.
31:39I was able to change that relationship
31:41that I had with myself, the way that I
31:43behaved, the way that I acted, the
31:45habits [music] and the beliefs that I
31:47had, I started becoming the version of
31:50me who was in the same vibrational level
31:52with the person [music] that I wanted to
31:53attract. And from there, it's easy,
31:56right? It's like it's a matter of
31:57physics to attract [music] them. The
32:00thought I really love that really hits
32:03this point, I'm sure a book that you
32:06have heard or maybe [music] even read
32:07before called Letters to a Young Poet.
32:10So, this is less of a self-help book
32:12[music] and is more of a conversation
32:14about becoming who you're meant to be.
32:16[music] And what it told me really was
32:18that maybe it was never about finding
32:22love, but it was becoming [music]
32:24the person that is capable of receiving
32:26it. So, this book is a collection of 10
32:28letters that is written [music] to a
32:31young military student called Franz and
32:34that is between 1903 and 1908. And Rilke
32:38[music] really advises him to ignore any
32:41external criticism and to embrace deep
32:45solitude and look
32:46>> [music]
32:46>> inward rather than going outwards and
32:49asking others if his poetry is good.
32:51Honestly, I don't think this book is
32:53really a book about poetry at [music]
32:55all. I think it's a book about learning
32:58how to trust yourself. And one of the
33:00biggest lessons that I took from it was
33:02[music] that we are constantly looking
33:05outside of ourselves for answers. We are
33:07constantly asking people, well, am I
33:09good enough? [music] Am I making the
33:11right decision? Am I lovable enough? Is
33:14this person right for me? Am I on the
33:16right path? And
33:18>> [music]
33:18>> this could be like us asking questions
33:21about our relationships, about our
33:23career, about everything. [music] And
33:24Rilke's answer over and over again is
33:27essentially, well, go inward. He talks a
33:30lot about embracing solitude [music] and
33:33learning how to be alone with yourself
33:36instead of constantly needing that
33:38noise, needing that distraction, [music]
33:40or that external validation for you to
33:43for you to feel like in peace. It really
33:46taught me to stop rushing life [music]
33:48and to be more patient with that
33:50uncertainty, with those phases of
33:52uncertainty. One of his most famous
33:54ideas [music] is to leave the questions
33:56instead of desperately trying to find
33:59all of the answers immediately [music]
34:01and panic from the fact that you don't
34:03have the answers. And perhaps my
34:06favorite [music] lesson from this book
34:07is that life is not happening to us, but
34:11is [music] shaping us. You know, all of
34:13the difficult seasons, all of the
34:15heartbreak, all of the loneliness, all
34:17of the [music] uncertainty, all of it is
34:19part of becoming and it's all forming us
34:24into ourselves. And reading this book
34:27genuinely [music] felt like you're
34:29sitting down with someone much wiser
34:31than you. I was being reminded that
34:33[music] I don't need to have everything
34:35figured out right now. I don't have to
34:37have the answers right now. [music] It's
34:39okay to be in the phase of questions and
34:42uncertainty, and that I'm it should be
34:44okay to be in the phase of becoming and
34:48[music]
34:48figuring things out. And the final
34:51mindset shift was to stop treating love
34:53like a treasure [music] hunt. This was a
34:55hard realization because I've spent so
34:57many years spending so much energy,
35:00spending so much time, being on [music]
35:01the lookout wherever I would go off that
35:04maybe I would potentially find [music]
35:06and step into my future boyfriend. And
35:09let me save you some time and some
35:11energy right now by telling you that you
35:14will never find them that way. You know
35:16the saying [music]
35:17that goes that love will find you when
35:19you're not looking. Well, that saying is
35:22true. And even though you might be sick
35:24of hearing this again and again, I'm
35:26sure like [music] you heard this in the
35:28past and you were thinking maybe this
35:30won't be true for you. In my personal
35:32experience and from the patterns of
35:34other healthy relationships that I have
35:36[music] seen, love happened when they
35:39were not looking. When two people were
35:42happy and they were content [music]
35:44being where they were in their lives and
35:46they were in love with their lives, they
35:48naturally and [music] they organically
35:50attracted love. And I know that a lot of
35:53people [music] when they hear this, they
35:55think, "Okay, like I'm going to say that
35:57I'm not looking, but you know, I'm just
36:00going to keep one eye on the lookout. I
36:02want to keep one of my eyes closed and
36:03one of my [music] others open." And I
36:06guarantee you that won't work [music]
36:08either because it doesn't matter if you
36:11have like one eye closed, like your
36:14energy is still on the lookout. For
36:17[music] me, personally, it changed
36:19everything when I understood that. I'm
36:21not trying to locate one hidden human
36:23being on this planet who holds the power
36:26[music] to my happiness and holds the
36:28key to my happiness, but I'm here to
36:31learn how to build healthy, secure, and
36:34fulfilling [music] relationships. And
36:36first and foremost, one with myself. And
36:39that, doing that, [music] requires skill
36:42and not luck. So, if what I need to be
36:45focusing right now [music] is not
36:47finding them and like making sure I'm
36:50open to them and like on the lookout for
36:51them, but focus on building the skill,
36:54the [music] cap capacity, the space for
36:56them. And that is a skill. That requires
37:00knowledge, filling your knowledge
37:01[music] gap, exercising that knowledge,
37:05and becoming that person, becoming the
37:07version of you that is ready for love
37:09and acts [music] in that healthy and
37:11secure way. So, if I could recommend one
37:14book to [music] anyone who feels like,
37:16well,
37:17they're running out of time, I think the
37:19right book for this [music] is It's a
37:22book by Cheryl Strayed called Tiny
37:25Beautiful Things. And this book has this
37:27incredible way of reminding you that
37:30life unfolds [music] in ways that we
37:32could never predict. And that, honestly,
37:35some of the most beautiful things happen
37:38>> [music]
37:38>> when we stop trying to force them, when
37:41we stop trying to make them happen. And
37:43yeah, I really think that it changed
37:45[music] so much of my perspective and
37:47really helped me to detach and let go.
37:50Ironically, letting go of [music] the
37:51idea of the one made me feel more
37:54hopeful about love than ever before. And
37:58that is because it reminded me that love
38:00isn't something [music] that is reserved
38:02for a lucky few people who happened to
38:05find their soulmate, they [music] were
38:07lucky to find their one. But it just
38:10helped me understand that, well, love is
38:12something that is available to [music]
38:13every single one of us. It doesn't
38:15matter how much, how late we are, how
38:20like much we fail,
38:22>> [music]
38:22>> it's something that is going to happen
38:24and it's possible to every single one of
38:27us. And the condition for that is for us
38:30to be willing to build it, [music] to be
38:33intentional, to be intentional enough to
38:36create it. So, the goal isn't to find
38:38[music] that perfect person who
38:41magically completes your life, but the
38:43goal is to become [music] someone that
38:45is capable of creating beautiful
38:48relationships
38:49>> [music]
38:49>> and finding someone equally willing to
38:52create one with you. Because I really
38:53don't believe that there's one person
38:55out there that is that is meant for you.
38:58I believe that there are many people
38:59[music] that you could potentially build
39:01a beautiful life with, but a
39:03relationship only works when two people
39:06are willing to [music] continuously
39:08choose one another and make it work.
39:11Personally, I think that's much more
39:12romantic than the idea of fate could
39:15ever be. So, [music] that's it for
39:17today. Thank you so much for being here.
39:20I appreciate you. I really hope this
39:22video like clicked or resonated [music]
39:24with you. And as always, if you have any
39:27questions, you can always reach out to
39:30me [music] at my Instagram or at the
39:33link below. So, I will see you very soon
39:36on the next one.
39:40>> [music]

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