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I Solved Poverty With Meteors — Transcript

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0:00Poor people. What can we do with them?
0:02I've got an idea.
0:08Today, we're playing Diplomacy is not an
0:09option. It's a game based on three
0:11simple premises. You have money, and no
0:13matter what they tell you, you do not
0:15have to share it with the local heroin
0:17addicts. In fact, if they so much as
0:18look in your general direction, it is
0:20perfectly acceptable to flatten them
0:22with a trevete. Our goal is to expand
0:24our empire and survive 100 days. But
0:26with each passing day, our drugaddled
0:28neighbors become increasingly violent
0:30and deranged. Can we leverage the
0:32military-industrial complex to subjugate
0:34the poor, or will they destroy society
0:36and cannibalize us? There's only one way
0:38to find out. But first, a word from our
0:40sponsor.
1:13Jesus Christ. Yeah, I uh I have one.
1:16I have a question for God.
1:19Why? [screaming]
1:22Okay. No, for real.
1:58the video. Now, I'm not going to lie.
2:00I've attempted this challenge several
2:02times before, and each time it ended
2:04something like this. Man, [ __ ] this
2:06game. [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] But I've
2:09learned from my mistakes, and I will no
2:10longer fall victim to esoteric game
2:12mechanics such as starvation. So, let's
2:15begin. We choose the Labyrinth of Pain.
2:17This map is known for having plenty of
2:18rock formations that will annoy the
2:20everliving [ __ ] out of me whenever I try
2:22to build literally anything, but they
2:24also create choke points which allow my
2:26trebushets to do this.
2:34[clears throat] As I was saying, day
2:36one, we load in with a lovely castle and
2:38a few units of archers. We are also
2:39greeted by a man with a surprising lack
2:41of eyeballs who informs us that we are
2:44going to die. But we should take some
2:45solace in the fact that we can take
2:47thousands of illiterate peasants with us
2:49by putting up a good fight. I like this
2:51guy. We did some scouting to find the
2:52south is almost entirely protected by
2:54rock formations with the west being
2:56forested and the east being mostly
2:58plains which will make it good for
2:59building. Now the economy of this game
3:01is very simple. There are six resources:
3:03wood, stone, iron, food, population, and
3:06most importantly, gold. By building
3:08workshops such as lumberm mills, our
3:09loyal servants will chop down trees,
3:12process them into planks, and then carry
3:13them to a stockpile. Honestly, it
3:15reminds me of Stronghold Crusader and my
3:17countless memories of the caiff
3:19repeatedly sodomizing me in the desert.
3:21And that makes me smile. PATHETIC DOG.
3:24YOU ARE LOSING US THIS WAR.
3:26NOW, there's nothing quite like slowly
3:27draining the resources from your
3:29surroundings like some kind of parasite.
3:31But everything is finite, which means
3:32we're going to have to expand outward
3:34and possibly relocate the native
3:36population. And by relocate, I mean
3:38we'll be taking them from their current
3:40position to a mass grave. I split my
3:42forces up and did some exploring to find
3:44plenty of shanty towns where the
3:46peasants like to congregate and compete
3:48to see who can smoke the most PCP. We
3:50need this land for building houses. So,
3:51I spent the next couple of days using a
3:53catapult to negotiate the terms of their
3:55surrender. Following this, we secured
3:58some stone, built a residential wing,
3:59and rushed an upgrade to our castle,
4:01which provides us access to new units
4:03and more resilient defenses. But before
4:05we could build either, I received a
4:07notification that my aggressive
4:08expansionism had angered a group of
4:10locals and a peasant mob was currently
4:12on route to kill me. Now, as much as I'd
4:14like to become acquainted with the
4:15feeling of having a rake lodged in my
4:17skull, I'd actually rather be alive. So,
4:20I decided to build a wooden tower and
4:21fill it with archers. Not long after,
4:23the peasants were upon us. They filtered
4:25out of the forest like feral beasts and
4:27began attacking our guard tower. We
4:29responded by launching rocks the size of
4:31microwaves directly at their heads. In
4:33fact, it's around this time a critical
4:35flaw of the peasant brain is
4:36illuminated. That is, their undying and
4:38rabid hatred for any form of
4:40architecture. Their building blood lust
4:42is so severe that they would rather
4:43spend the final moments of their life
4:45slamming their face against a wooden
4:47tower rather than walking an additional
4:4910 ft and destroying a nearby catapult
4:51which is currently pulverizing them. And
4:53that, my friends, is what makes them
4:55peasants and us kings. With the first
4:57wave now defeated, we expanded our
4:59stockpiles, built some fisheries, and
5:01constructed a city fountain. Wet. This
5:03building provides a buff to nearby
5:05houses, and if you achieve anything less
5:07than 100% coverage with it, I will
5:09personally kill you. I continued my war
5:11on poverty by demolishing several
5:13homeless camps to the south. But my
5:15progress was stifled when I encountered
5:16what the LGBT community would refer to
5:19as a bear. And much like a burly
5:21homosexual man, he wanted to pound my
5:23ass. Clearly, the peasants are evolving.
5:26And this is a problem that can only be
5:27solved with violence. In order to
5:29counteract the raw sexual energy
5:31radiating from these homeless freaks, I
5:33decided to expand our military with some
5:35axemen and healers. After repelling a
5:37few more enemy raids, we were on day 12,
5:39and the kingdom was expanding nicely. We
5:41have a hospital, a tavern, and several
5:43walls that I just forgot to finish.
5:45Actually, this is a learning opportunity
5:48because whenever you play a game like
5:49this, you will inevitably manifest
5:51several stages of grief, just in the
5:53wrong order. It all starts with denial.
5:55I'm surrounded by murderous psychopaths,
5:57but they wouldn't hurt me. Then
5:58bargaining. Okay, maybe I should build
6:00some walls, but really I'm going to
6:02expand here eventually, so the wall
6:04should go there. But if it goes there,
6:06it may as well go here, which is
6:07basically all the way over there. This
6:09mentally ill series of rationalizations
6:11ultimately results in you deciding that
6:13the only acceptable defensive formation
6:15looks something like this. Naturally,
6:18you never build these walls because your
6:20profound disconnect with reality causes
6:22you to lose the game on day 18 when you
6:24get attacked from two sides, neither of
6:26which have any protection whatsoever,
6:28which is when you finally manifest anger
6:30and quit the game. So, in short, it's
6:32time to build some goddamn walls. Here's
6:34the plan. Little walls here, here, and
6:36here. Big walls here, here, and here.
6:39Now, that's easier said than done
6:40because despite my best efforts to keep
6:42the peasants illiterate, they have
6:44somehow managed to construct their own
6:46catapults, which they are now using to
6:47temporarily and painfully invert gravity
6:50in a localized area around my archers.
6:52Truly, the arms race has begun. But
6:54luckily, we are winning because I've
6:56just produced five trebushets with a
6:58buff to their AoE. Needless to say, it
7:00has never been a worse time to be a
7:02grass-eing savage living in the ghetto.
7:04Anyway, we got to work on making some
7:06new walls, and we're going to need them
7:07because it's now day 19, and we're about
7:09to be attacked from two sides at once.
7:12The left side has most of a wall, and
7:14the right side has like a tower, I
7:16guess. So, I took four trebuchets to the
7:18right side and created a very compelling
7:20argument for not coming within 50 ft of
7:22my castle. The rest of my soldiers went
7:24to the left and tried to hold the
7:26peasants in this bottleneck here. It was
7:28difficult, but every so often, a
7:29trebushe would splash down and take out
7:31like 60 attackers, which certainly
7:33helped. The battle actually lasted over
7:3524 hours, but by day 20 it was over, and
7:38we had single-handedly reduced local
7:39unemployment by 100% by simply killing
7:42the jobless. Truly, my approval ratings
7:45are at an all-time high. By this point,
7:47our keep is now fully upgraded, and we
7:49can finally produce my favorite unit,
7:50hammer guys. I know they appear to be
7:52some kind of evolutionary transition
7:54state between a man who has legs and one
7:56who does not, but they're quite good.
7:58They're tanky, they take
7:59performance-enhancing drugs, and they're
8:01basically the ultimate life form.
8:02Personally, watching a hammer guy
8:04absolutely devastate 50 junkies at a
8:06time is fantastic, and it brings great
8:09meaning into my life. It's now day 31.
8:11Our walls are complete, thus forming our
8:13first layer of defense against the
8:15chronically unemployed. We may expand
8:17outward at some point, but right now,
8:19we're just focused on solidifying our
8:21position. Because every few days, the
8:22raids become larger, better equipped,
8:24and eventually they'll be attacking us
8:26with 10,000 units in every direction. In
8:28order to prepare for this, I did a
8:30little testing to determine the best
8:31unit for pacifying marginalized groups.
8:34And I've determined it to be this little
8:36fella. I've always known trebuchets were
8:37good, but I've just realized how good.
8:39Because by placing one in a tier three
8:41tower, we can take a unit with an
8:43already ridiculous range and increase it
8:45another 35%, thus allowing it to mangle
8:48confused farmers from over a kilometer
8:50away. This is basically the medieval
8:52equivalent of drone striking our
8:54enemies. And I absolutely love it.
8:56Furthermore, I can manually target areas
8:58for bombardment to produce a creeping
9:00barrage. When this is happening, I can
9:02say with 100% certainty that you won't
9:04be making it from here to here without
9:06undergoing a catastrophic rearrangement
9:09of your anatomy. Given this, I believe
9:10trebushets to be the pinnacle of combat
9:12engineering. In fact, you may be
9:14familiar with the scientific phenomena
9:16where every species is slowly evolving
9:18into crabs. Well, based on this, I'd say
9:20that every crab is slowly evolving into
9:22a trebushe. Needless to say, I'm now
9:24going to be devoting 95% of my military
9:27budget towards producing hundreds of
9:29these war machines. It's now day 40 and
9:31things are going well. We've built some
9:33stables to produce cavalry units and a
9:35university to allow us to research
9:37magic. But most importantly, a whopping
9:3923% of our population is now trebushes.
9:42And I have no regrets because we're
9:43about to get hit by another wave. I was
9:45a little concerned because the past few
9:47attacks have spawned in two armies, but
9:49the game is telling me there's only one
9:50coming this time. And that's because
9:52this one army is [ __ ] massive. They
9:54flooded in from the west thousands upon
9:56thousands of pitchfork wielding
9:58delinquents. Even with 40 trebushets
10:01working around the clock, it took us 3
10:03days of non-stop violence to finally
10:06finish the wave. After the first day, I
10:08just had to ignore it and start doing
10:09other things. But if this is how the
10:11rest of the waves scale, we may be in
10:13some trouble. Luckily, I have a trick up
10:15my sleeve. You may have noticed whenever
10:16we demolish the homeless shelters, they
10:18drop these funny little crystals. You're
10:21probably thinking, hm, they look
10:22important. And you would be right,
10:24because these are the crystallized souls
10:26that we have harvested from the vagrants
10:28who used to live in this little tent
10:29village. I didn't want to tell you about
10:31this earlier because it kind of makes me
10:33seem like a bad guy. But harnessing the
10:35souls of the poor is tremendously
10:37helpful because it allows us to use
10:38spells. This one summons in death
10:40knights. This is an orbital ion beam.
10:43And by building a giant monument to a
10:45certain death god, we can use this one.
10:47It summons a meteor that kills
10:48everything. For the past 40 days, I've
10:50been carefully collecting souls and
10:52saving them. I know you want to judge me
10:54for this, but reaping the souls of the
10:56poor to wield occult powers is and
10:58always has been the foundation of every
11:00world government. I mean, think about
11:02it. It's been how many thousand years
11:04and we still haven't solved
11:05homelessness. It's a goddamn soul farm
11:07and no one's asking questions. Anyway,
11:09I'm going to stop talking about this
11:11before a massage agent kicks down my
11:13door and puts a grenade in my mouth. So,
11:15my plan is to offset the increasing
11:17difficulty with a proportional amount of
11:19meteorological phenomena. I don't know
11:21how long our sole supplies will last,
11:23but for the time being, we should be
11:24okay. Apart from practicing the dark
11:26arts, we've also made some exciting
11:28agricultural advancements. On day one,
11:31we were surrounded by a beautiful, lush
11:33forest. That same forest is now neatly
11:35stacked in my stockpiles. So, it's time
11:37to fix that. I know earlier I said we
11:39had finite resources, but I am a
11:42bastard, and I lied. Because we are
11:43about to spit in the face of
11:45thermodynamics by creating infinite
11:47trees. All we have to do is place a few
11:49woodsman huts and they'll run around
11:51planting trees which we can then chop
11:53down. By striking the right balance of
11:54lumberjacks to woodsmen, we will have a
11:56constant and indefinite supply of wood.
11:58We can then take this one step further
12:00by totally ruining the world economy.
12:03Several weeks ago, I built a
12:04marketplace. We can use it to exchange
12:06resources with other kingdoms, and this
12:08little zeppelin will fly off and
12:10complete the trade. It's very cute, but
12:11also very powerful. Because by forcing
12:14these deals to go through, my infinite
12:16wood can become infinite food, stone,
12:18iron, and gold. And thankfully so,
12:20because by day 45, most of the resources
12:23in our borders have dried up. It's now
12:25day 50, and a few things about my base
12:27design have become clear. First, this
12:29wall is lovely. It's spacious and very
12:31easy to hold because all of the smelly
12:33transients become profoundly confused by
12:35this rock formation, and I can smoke
12:37them in the face as they attempt to
12:39navigate its intricacies. This wall is
12:41lonely. No one comes here, and with each
12:43passing day, I regret spending 3,000
12:45stone to build it. Finally, this wall is
12:48an absolute bastard. I don't really know
12:50why, but the game just loves hammering
12:51me over and over again in this exact
12:53location. Every wave, I bring down three
12:56meteors on these filthy little men, and
12:58still they persist. The assault on day
13:0057 really highlighted this issue because
13:03I was diverting so many trebushets to
13:05handle the corner from hell that the
13:06rest of my base was starting to falter.
13:08I've been using my soldiers to try to
13:10fill the gaps, but every time one of
13:12them dies, I experience a catatonic
13:14breakdown because I'm trying to save
13:16them for later. And watching this number
13:17go down is remarkably stressful. So
13:20clearly we need a better solution.
13:21Obviously more trebushets, but to be
13:23able to afford them, I had to expand
13:25into this area. It's worth it though
13:27because from this position, we can spawn
13:29camp the peasants as they load into the
13:31map. Is this a dirty tactic? Is it
13:33cheating? Does it possibly make me
13:35bisexual? Yes to all of the above. But
13:38I'm not going to stop because we still
13:40have 40 more days to go. Also, it's
13:42worth noting that a few of our soldiers
13:43have died in recent conflicts, and their
13:46rotting bodies are starting to stink the
13:47place up. So, I built a graveyard to get
13:49rid of them. Now, I'm going to tell you
13:51something that I wish someone told me.
13:52It might seem like placing a graveyard
13:54near the front line is a good idea
13:57because that's where all the bodies are.
13:58However, when that graveyard is
14:00inevitably destroyed by a band of insane
14:03Cromagnon men, all 200 bodies that were
14:06buried there will become zombies and
14:08they will kill you. This happened to me
14:09in a previous save and I almost cried.
14:12So, graveyards in the back. Now, I'd
14:14like to say we have really entered into
14:16something of a renaissance by day 61.
14:18Yes, we are being invaded by seven
14:20armies at once and it is terrifying. But
14:22by carefully abusing certain financial
14:24markets, we have managed to make 98
14:27trebushets which now account for 38% of
14:29our entire population. Truly, we live in
14:32a gilded age. Imagine being so clouded
14:34by jealousy that you even attempt to
14:36resist the beauty and splendor that is
14:38King Regginald's empire. I used to think
14:40these people belonged in cages, but now
14:42I weep for their lost souls, for they
14:44know not what they do. As with any
14:46Renaissance, ours was marked by several
14:48great scientific advancements. For
14:50example, we researched advanced soul
14:52stealing, which allows us to extract
14:54souls from inanimate objects, such as
14:56enemy catapults. This is very important
14:58for maintaining the soul economy. We
15:01also researched boiling oil. Now, all of
15:03our walls are capable of some basic
15:05level of self-defense by simply dumping
15:07a few gallons of scalding grease on
15:10their attackers. This might not seem
15:11like a big deal, but if you're an
15:13inattentive piece of [ __ ] like me, then
15:15this is a very big deal because there's
15:17nothing worse than your entire army
15:18being over here only for some jackass
15:21with a gardening tool to start his
15:23career in freelance demolition all the
15:25way over here. But now that same jackass
15:28has thirdderee burns on 100% of his
15:30body, and I don't feel bad at all.
15:32Finally, I tried using some horse
15:34archers because I know just how good
15:35they are in Mountain Blade. Turns out
15:37not so good in this game. I mowed
15:39through the next couple of waves without
15:41much trouble. And it may seem like we've
15:42got this in the bag, but after several
15:44failed attempts at this challenge, I've
15:46realized the difference between losing a
15:48wall and losing the game is very small.
15:51And if the peasants get past even our
15:52first layer of defense, they could
15:54destroy our farms and a starbust to
15:56death. So, we can't afford to become too
15:58complacent. By day 75, things were
16:00starting to get difficult again. Despite
16:02having over 120 trebushets firing at
16:04them, the peasants were just forcing
16:06their way in. I felt like the manager of
16:08a Best Buy on Black Friday, and it was
16:10stressing me out. There has to be at
16:12least 15,000 of them by this point, and
16:14there's only so much punishment a stone
16:16wall can take. Thankfully, I managed to
16:18pacify the crowd by calling down the
16:20entire solar system on their heads. Once
16:22the wave was over, I decided to renovate
16:24the battlefield by coating it in
16:26roadside bombs. I don't know what's in
16:27these little landmines, but whenever a
16:29peasant steps on them, they explode for
16:31200 AoE damage. For reference, a peasant
16:34has 10 hit points. So, it's safe to say
16:36that this minefield could be considered
16:38hazardous to one's health. I also
16:40started using a couple ballast for one
16:42reason and one reason alone. This tool
16:44tip says they're manned by children and
16:46child soldiers are very onbrand for me,
16:48so I simply couldn't ignore it. Apart
16:50from that, [screaming]
16:53they're all right. Day 86. Another wave
16:55of maniacal thugs is inbound. I brought
16:58the depths of my depravity to bear
16:59against my asalants, but they marched
17:01through my minefields without so much as
17:03flinching, and it terrified the poor
17:05children. Walls crumbled, towers
17:07decimated, and my poor baby boy. They
17:09killed him. Fortunately, I have 148
17:11others. But things are getting out of
17:13control. So, I decided to start doubling
17:15the walls in an effort to slow my
17:17attackers down. If we are going to make
17:19it to day 100, it's going to be by the
17:21momentum of our dead body sliding past
17:23the finish line, but that would still
17:24count. So, we fight on. It's now day 93
17:28and the second last wave is upon us. The
17:30south wall holds thanks to our spawn
17:32camping technique. The north does fairly
17:34well due to the terrain, but even with
17:36double walls, the east side gets
17:38absolutely pounded. I even had to bring
17:40the military out to prevent the peasants
17:42from pouring through the gaps and
17:43cannibalizing my farmers. It was getting
17:45pretty concerning, but a few well-placed
17:47meteors managed to quell the rebellion.
17:49Now, technically the next wave isn't
17:51until day 101. So, we could easily
17:54survive to day 100 and call the
17:56challenge complete. But personally, I
17:57think that would be pathetic and kind of
17:59cringe. So, we're going to take the
18:01attack on day 101 as our final test. And
18:03for this final test, I have studied very
18:06hard. More minefields, more military,
18:08and even triple walls. Yeah, I had to
18:11deconstruct the hospital to afford these
18:13bad boys, but there is no price too high
18:15in my kingdom. Our standing army is now
18:18300 units strong. And I've also added
18:20these [music] guys. They're basically
18:21just explosive barrels on wheels. I'm
18:23going to hide them in this little nook
18:25and deploy them into the enemy army as
18:27they come around the corner.
18:29Day 101. Within minutes, the final wave
18:32will come barreling down on us like an
18:34errant locomotive. And it is our job,
18:36nay, our moral responsibility, to throw
18:39rocks, landmines, and children at that
18:41locomotive until it comes to a grinding
18:43stop and explodes on the tracks. And
18:46look at that. Here comes the pain train
18:47speeding onto the map with three waves
18:49in our favorite corner. [music] Two
18:51waves from the south, one from the west,
18:53and two up top. I deployed my army to
18:55the top right to help alleviate the
18:56stress. Surely this won't be too bad, I
18:58thought to myself. Well, imagine my
19:00surprise when the entire population of
19:02India slowly filtered onto the map. This
19:05is only one of the seven waves currently
19:07attacking us. The peasant mob crashed
19:09against our walls like bags of raw meat
19:11being flung out of a centrifuge. But I
19:13had faith in my castle because it is a
19:15monument to hostile architecture. This
19:18is what those spiky park benches wish
19:20they could be. In the top right, my army
19:22was engaged in a razor close battle
19:24against approximately 10% of the enemy
19:26population. Meanwhile, the south was
19:28holding its ground thanks to an
19:30effective implementation of being a
19:32scumbag. However, up north, we were
19:34having less success. I managed to use
19:35one of these barrels to explode some
19:37peasants, which was nice. But then I
19:39kind of messed up the other one because
19:41it exploded too soon and set off a chain
19:43reaction that killed everyone else. An
19:45unpreventable tragedy if I ever saw one.
19:49Speaking of unfortunate situations, the
19:51West is undergoing something of an
19:53unconsensual renovation project, which
19:55is very problematic. While I was trying
19:57to sort that out, I failed to notice
19:59this number going down very fast. It
20:01represents my currently alive soldiers.
20:03I don't know what happened, but 200 of
20:05them are now dead. I tried to retreat my
20:07remaining army only to accidentally run
20:09it into an explosive barrel and kill all
20:1270 of my healers. Truly, this is our
20:14darkest hour. I'm a little worried, but
20:16I have one last secret weapon. I'm
20:18sitting on a stockpile of 400 human
20:21souls, which is enough to call in 40
20:23meteors. And that is what a sane person
20:25would probably do. But who are we
20:27kidding here?
20:29because I've spent the past 100 days
20:32gathering arcane knowledge to upgrade
20:34one of the worst spells in the game into
20:36a reality destroying cataclysmic event.
20:39It's this spell right here. Normally, it
20:41summons five death knights. Not great,
20:43not terrible, but I upgraded it. Now, 10
20:45death knights. And then I upgraded
20:47again. It now summons 30 undead warriors
20:50per cast. With a cost of two gems, we
20:52can afford to use this spell 200 times
20:55to summon a grand total of 6,000 dark
20:57knights anywhere on the map. So, you
21:00better believe I did just that. As my
21:02frame rate grinded to a halt, I snapped
21:04my head back in maniacal laughter
21:06because I knew the peasants stood no
21:08chance. The 6,000 Dark Knights made
21:10short work of pretty much everything on
21:12the west side, and they allowed me to
21:13gather more souls so I could afford a
21:15few tactically placed meteors in the top
21:17right. You could say it's all coming
21:19together. Once my frame rate had a pulse
21:21again, I surveyed the area to see the
21:23south was fine, the north pretty good,
21:26the west almost completely empty, and
21:28the top right kind of a shitow, but
21:30basically everyone's dead. Fun fact,
21:32this battle took so long to complete,
21:34some of the corpses actually reanimated
21:36as zombies and started attacking me all
21:38over again. But we killed them, too. And
21:40with that, we have finally survived 100
21:43days and completed our challenge. I want
21:45to thank this month's patrons for
21:46supporting me in my war on homelessness.
21:49And lastly, thank you for watching.
21:51Wait, don't forget to download Raid
21:52Shadow Legends using the link in the
21:54description to receive all these
21:55rewards. All right, see you later.
22:07I'm not bad as

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