I Nearly Died in the Holocaust. This Is How I Survived | Dr. Edith Eger — Transcript

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1. 0:00Because I remembered what my mother told
2. 0:02me in the kettle car and I
3. 0:06quote, she says, "Honey, we don't know
4. 0:09where we
5. 0:10going. We don't know go what's going to
6. 0:13happen. Just remember, no one can take
7. 0:17away from you what you put in your
8. 0:19mind." Thank you very much, Dr. eager
9. 0:22for inviting me to your home, this
10. 0:25beautiful home, um, and agreeing to be
11. 0:28interviewed on behalf of the Jewish
12. 0:31Learning Institute. It is a honor and a
13. 0:35privilege really to be spending time
14. 0:38with you. you're coming and uh you were
15. 0:41sent to me and I will honestly as well
16. 0:45as I can let you
17. 0:48know what
18. 0:50happens when good people do bad
19. 0:55things very bad things. People ask me
20. 0:58where was God and I say God was with me.
21. 1:03In what way was he with you? God was my
22. 1:09guide. God I
23. 1:12think without that
24. 1:15God I wouldn't have turned the hatred
25. 1:19into pity as I did. I was able to look
26. 1:24at the guards. They were wearing a
27. 1:27uniform and I I didn't hate them. I felt
28. 1:31sorry for them that they believed or a
29. 1:35lie because I was called a
30. 1:38pariah. I was called cancer to
31. 1:43society. Thank God I'm here to tell you
32. 1:46about it. This will to meaning this the
33. 1:50will to
34. 1:51survive to be able to look at everything
35. 1:55in life as an
36. 1:57opportunity for an opportunity.
37. 2:00not for recovery but for discovery.
38. 2:04And I think Ashitz gave me the
39. 2:08ability to look at the gods feeling
40. 2:11sorry for
41. 2:12them instead of hating them. They were
42. 2:16totally
43. 2:18brainwashed and I was told I'm never
44. 2:21going to get out of here alive. The only
45. 2:23way I will get out of here is as a
46. 2:26corpse.
47. 2:28You see, and there is a difference
48. 2:31between reacting or responding.
49. 2:35Let me come back to that point you made
50. 2:37before. You said because of God, you
51. 2:41were able to instead of hating the
52. 2:45oppressors, Yeah. you had pity in them.
53. 2:48Yes. Can you just explain or clarify how
54. 2:51because of that belief in God, you're
55. 2:54able to transcend the hate and instead
56. 2:58have compassion? I have no
57. 3:02idea how to tell
58. 3:07you that I looked at the
59. 3:13enemy. So my
60. 3:16suffering made me
61. 3:20stronger. That is not what happens to
62. 3:22us. It's what we do with
63. 3:25it. And so
64. 3:27now I
65. 3:29remember I asked my
66. 3:33sister that I'm going back to Awitz and
67. 3:37I would like her to to come with me
68. 3:40because we were there together. and she
69. 3:43told me I'm an idiot. As a Holocaust
70. 3:46survivor, yes. Do you feel especially
71. 3:50lonely? And is it something how have you
72. 3:55dealt with that? Well, first of
73. 3:58all, I am not a Holocaust
74. 4:01survivor. I'm a human being who went
75. 4:05through an
76. 4:06experience. It's not my identity. It's
77. 4:10not who I am. It's what was done to me.
78. 4:14So I think there is a big difference not
79. 4:16to put labels. We do a lot of labeling
80. 4:20especially in my my profession. You
81. 4:23didn't want to see yourself as a
82. 4:25Holocaust survivor. You try to transcend
83. 4:30that and retain your human dignity. Was
84. 4:34that a struggle? And how did you manage
85. 4:37to overcome that struggle?
86. 4:40I don't think I ever
87. 4:42overcame, but I like to use the word I
88. 4:46came to terms with
89. 4:49it. I don't think I ever
90. 4:52overcome or ever
91. 4:56forget. I I I run
92. 4:59away. I run
93. 5:02away. And
94. 5:04then it seems
95. 5:08that I was forced to ask
96. 5:12myself, who am I? What am I going to do
97. 5:16with my
98. 5:17life? And Avitz was
99. 5:22hell because I never knew 4:00 in the
100. 5:25morning what's going to happen today.
101. 5:30They told me, "If I don't feel good,
102. 5:32stay behind. You're going to go to the
103. 5:35to the hospital." There was no hospital.
104. 5:38There was only the gas chamber. So, we
105. 5:41were holding on to each other. When we
106. 5:44took a shower, we did not
107. 5:48know. We did not know whether water or
108. 5:51gas is going to come out.
109. 5:55Actually, I tell you something very
110. 5:58interesting. In the latrine, I was
111. 6:01sitting next to a girl and she found a
112. 6:04mirror. I mean, it was amazing finding a
113. 6:09mirror and pretty
114. 6:12soon she looks at me and
115. 6:15said, "I am Marie
116. 6:19Antonette and I'm fixing my hair in
117. 6:23vers." I thought to myself that takes
118. 6:27imagination and a lot and have shreds to
119. 6:32look at yourself as
120. 6:34Marto. So I think it's very important to
121. 6:38think about your
122. 6:41thinking because what you think can
123. 6:44change your body chemistry.
124. 6:48So when I get up in a morning and I look
125. 6:51at life as one day that morning sunshine
126. 6:56will not come
127. 6:59back. I live in a
128. 7:02present. I can only touch you
129. 7:07now. You talk about getting up every
130. 7:11morning. What gets you out of bed? What
131. 7:15is the primary motive?
132. 7:19Curiosity.
133. 7:21Curiosity was what helped me to survive.
134. 7:26Awitz. Well, I didn't know what's going
135. 7:28to happen next. I didn't know whether
136. 7:31I'm going to end up in a gas
137. 7:34chamber. I could have. I didn't know. I
138. 7:38didn't know any of it.
139. 7:41I was told I'm never going to get out of
140. 7:43here alive. The only way I will get out
141. 7:46of here as a corpse. So I
142. 7:50learned that I cannot change what
143. 7:52outside of me, but I can change the way
144. 7:56I think about it and learn to respond
145. 8:00rather than react.
146. 8:03So that's why forgiveness has nothing to
147. 8:06do with me forgiving you for what you
148. 8:09did to
149. 8:10me. To me it means that I give myself a
150. 8:14gift and get rid of the part in
151. 8:19me that may be still holding me
152. 8:24hostage and a prisoner of the past.
153. 8:28Does faith in God help in overcoming
154. 8:32loneliness? People come to me. I
155. 8:34believe. I believe. I
156. 8:36believe. I want to know what kind of
157. 8:39life you lead. Love is not what you
158. 8:42feel. It's what you do. And that's what
159. 8:45you do, Rabbi Fogle. You commit yourself
160. 8:48to others. You transcend your the me and
161. 8:52I I I. If you did that in awitz, you
162. 8:55didn't make it. All we had was each
163. 8:58other
164. 8:58then. So when when Mangala came and
165. 9:02wanted to be entertained and the girls
166. 9:05just put me in front of him, my teacher
167. 9:08was there from my Jewish
168. 9:11school with the finger. Wow. With the
169. 9:15finger. Bony big big finger
170. 9:20said do as I tell you.
171. 9:25She didn't give me a choice. Do as I
172. 9:28tell you. And I ended up dancing for Dr.
173. 9:33Mangala. But I was able to close my eyes
174. 9:37and imagine that the music was
175. 9:41Chaikovski and I was dancing the Rome
176. 9:43and Juliet at a Buddha house. I can
177. 9:47still know. I can still dance for you. I
178. 9:50can still do the high kick. And when I
179. 9:54was done, he gave me a piece of
180. 9:57bread. Imagine how I looked at that
181. 10:00bread. And I wanted to eat it so
182. 10:03badly. But then I noticed my
183. 10:06sister in the third higher
184. 10:11up. And thank God I climbed up. I shared
185. 10:16the
186. 10:16bread. And when I was in the death march
187. 10:21from Mount House and Austria to Girian
188. 10:24where I was
189. 10:26liberated, cannibalism broke out
190. 10:30and then people were eating other
191. 10:32people's
192. 10:35flesh. I think it's good for you to
193. 10:37watch the sound of music because I'm
194. 10:40talking to
195. 10:42God for help that I don't want to touch
196. 10:45human flesh and God told me to look down
197. 10:49and I still had grass to eat. So I can't
198. 10:54is none never ever in my vocabulary.
199. 10:59When I go to a classroom, I run to the
200. 11:01blackboard. I put I can't equals I am
201. 11:05helpless. And I then I take the
202. 11:09apostrophe and the T and I say I can.
203. 11:15Why? Because I think I can. So when I
204. 11:18was liberated, I saw people walking
205. 11:23out and then after a while they would
206. 11:27come
207. 11:28back and sit
208. 11:31down. And I worked with better wives.
209. 11:34That's exactly what they do. The husband
210. 11:38touches them, they leave, and then calls
211. 11:43two, three weeks later. I miss you. I
212. 11:45love you. And she goes
213. 11:48back thinking that things are going to
214. 11:51be
215. 11:53different because she is brainwashed by
216. 11:57him.
217. 11:59That without him she's
218. 12:03nothing. And I think that's why it's
219. 12:06important that to know that we can be
220. 12:08too dependent, too independent.
221. 12:12And I like to talk about
222. 12:15interdependence that you can be you and
223. 12:18I can be I but together we're going to
224. 12:20be much stronger than you alone or me
225. 12:24alone. What are the most underlying
226. 12:27causes of pain and trauma in society
227. 12:31today especially amongst the young
228. 12:35anxiety doesn't exist.
229. 12:39what does exist that you're thinking
230. 12:44anxiously. So if you change your
231. 12:48thinking
232. 12:50that is something to concentrate on that
233. 12:54I look at Awitz as an
234. 12:58opportunity for me to discover my inner
235. 13:02resources by not to allow to talk back
236. 13:05to the
237. 13:08enemy.
238. 13:10When they took my blood, I asked, "Why
239. 13:13do you take my blood?" And he said, "To
240. 13:16aid the German
241. 13:18soldiers, so we can uh we
242. 13:23can win the war and take over the world,
243. 13:27especially
244. 13:30America." And I said to
245. 13:33myself, "With my blood, you're never
246. 13:36going to win the war." I still had a way
247. 13:41for me to respond and not to allow
248. 13:44anything or
249. 13:48anyone to change my thinking, my feeling
250. 13:53and my
251. 13:54behavior. If you touch your guard, God
252. 13:58forbid, you were shot right
253. 14:00away. If you touched the bar wire, you
254. 14:04were electrocuted. and I saw the blue
255. 14:08bodies. So I learned not to fight and
256. 14:11not to flee, but learn how to flow and
257. 14:15stay in the
258. 14:17situation and say to myself, I don't
259. 14:20like it. It's inconvenient and it's
260. 14:23temporary. No. Yes. But give me the but.
261. 14:27I give you an and yes and it's temporary
262. 14:30and I can survive it because everything
263. 14:34is temporary. There is something between
264. 14:37birth and death called
265. 14:40life. The
266. 14:43faith. The faith that
267. 14:47somehow I don't have to like it. It's
268. 14:50inconvenient. It's very uncomfortable
269. 14:54and it's temporary.
270. 14:56So I would ask everyone, tell me about
271. 14:59my eyes and tell me about my hands
272. 15:03because that's what my boyfriend told me
273. 15:05that I have beautiful eyes and beautiful
274. 15:09hands. And I said to myself, if I
275. 15:12survive today, then tomorrow I'll be
276. 15:16free. Tomorrow was such an important way
277. 15:19for me to
278. 15:21know that this is temporary.
279. 15:26kind of one day at a time we and that I
280. 15:31remember I said to myself if I survive
281. 15:35today then tomorrow I'm going to meet my
282. 15:38boyfriend and show him my
283. 15:40eyes
284. 15:42unfortunately he was killed the day
285. 15:44before
286. 15:46liberation so when I found
287. 15:49out and my parents didn't come back and
288. 15:53I'm in a
289. 15:55hospital and I become very
290. 15:57suicidal after I was
291. 16:01liberated and I wanted to die because I
292. 16:05didn't have meaning. I didn't have any
293. 16:07purpose in my life. This is what Victor
294. 16:09Franco refers to as the existential
295. 16:13vacuum that I see very much today among
296. 16:17others.
297. 16:19I think it was very
298. 16:21important for me to
299. 16:24listen to my
300. 16:27God and sometimes I call my God Tinker
301. 16:31Bear because of the free spirit that
302. 16:36that this is temporary and I can make it
303. 16:39that uh you know I'm coming to you
304. 16:42sometimes as a
305. 16:43cheerleader that uh uh that suffering
306. 16:47makes you stronger.
307. 16:51And I
308. 16:53know
309. 16:54suffering makes me
310. 16:58stronger because it's easier to die than
311. 17:02to live.
312. 17:04How did you find your purpose during
313. 17:07that
314. 17:09suicidal moment?
315. 17:12That this is my
316. 17:15calling. It's not a job.
317. 17:19that this is why I
318. 17:21survived to be able to guide others to
319. 17:25be survivors and never a
320. 17:29victim. I'm not a victim. It's not my
321. 17:32identity. It's what was done to me. So
322. 17:35that's why it was important for me to do
323. 17:38my work what I do to revisit the places
324. 17:42where you've been relieved that
325. 17:45experience and then you change like you
326. 17:48change gears in a car remember when it
327. 17:51makes noises but then you have to
328. 17:54release the clutch. So the question is
329. 17:57what are you holding on to and what are
330. 18:00you willing that's a very good word
331. 18:02willing to be willing to let go of like
332. 18:07I ask people let go of the need for
333. 18:10other people's
334. 18:12approval. So if I come to you after our
335. 18:15interview and I tell you I really would
336. 18:18like to get to know you. I hope you
337. 18:20would like to get to know me too and you
338. 18:23tell me I'm really not
339. 18:26interested. It doesn't mean that I'm
340. 18:29rejected. The word rejection is an
341. 18:33English word that people make up to
342. 18:36express a feeling when you don't get
343. 18:38what you want. It's all about your
344. 18:42expectations to be
345. 18:44idealistic or
346. 18:46realistic. When idealistic people come
347. 18:49and they don't find that what they're
348. 18:51looking for, they become very cynical.
349. 18:55Any Holocaust survivor
350. 18:58has had to develop a level of re
351. 19:01resilience that is unfath fathomable?
352. 19:07Do you think people today have a
353. 19:11particularly low level of resilience?
354. 19:16I I know that
355. 19:18suffering makes you stronger. That I
356. 19:21know and I come from the strength that
357. 19:25will to live that
358. 19:28will that I
359. 19:30become the person who doesn't believe
360. 19:35the person who has
361. 19:37faith. I have faith that
362. 19:41Awitz was my best education in many ways
363. 19:49because there was no place to run.
364. 19:52Would you say you had more faith coming
365. 19:55out of Awitz than before Awitz?
366. 20:00Absolutely. If you did it in
367. 20:03awitz, you came
368. 20:05out as a woman or man of
369. 20:10strength. We
370. 20:13women had to have that
371. 20:15inner voice within
372. 20:19us. I know my
373. 20:22God is a loving
374. 20:25God. I don't talk about yes, but I'd say
375. 20:28yes and
376. 20:31I don't have to like
377. 20:33everything. I don't like many many
378. 20:37things. I when I go to a
379. 20:40restaurant, I um I don't order certain
380. 20:44things, but I do order other things like
381. 20:48beets. Many people don't care for beets.
382. 20:52I love beets and a beet salad is the
383. 20:55first thing I look for. And uh I also
384. 21:00think
385. 21:01that it's good to
386. 21:04have the feeling, the thinking, the
387. 21:09doing. To have a good way of looking at
388. 21:13life as a challenge, not a problem.
389. 21:18There are no problems, there challenges.
390. 21:21And of course, midlife is not a crisis.
391. 21:26Midlife is a transition
392. 21:29and you're not going back. You have a
393. 21:31new beginning. And I hope that couples
394. 21:34can renegotiate.
395. 21:38Let's talk about guilt for a second.
396. 21:41Yes.
397. 21:42Is there such a thing as productive
398. 21:44guilt?
399. 21:47Wow. I never heard of that. But guilt is
400. 21:51in the
401. 21:53past. And my self dialogue goes with
402. 21:56guilt. What I could have done and should
403. 21:59have done. My parents had tickets to go
404. 22:03to
405. 22:07America that they took with them
406. 22:12to
407. 22:14ours. They had no
408. 22:18idea what will happen, could happen,
409. 22:21will happen.
410. 22:23Things happen so fast.
411. 22:27So those are that's looking back and
412. 22:30feeling regret for maybe a lost
413. 22:34opportunity. Yes. Do you as a survivor
414. 22:37ever feel guilty for surviving when so
415. 22:41many died? Yes. I had tremendous
416. 22:43survivors guilt. I graduated with honors
417. 22:46and I never showed up for my
418. 22:49graduation because uh I had tremendous
419. 22:54way of thinking that I didn't don't
420. 22:57deserve it even though I worked for it
421. 23:00hard. I think it's very important for
422. 23:03you to practice self love and tell
423. 23:07yourself if I knew then what I know now
424. 23:11I would have done things differently. Of
425. 23:13course I
426. 23:15would if I knew
427. 23:19then. You see, I have three children. I
428. 23:24have five grandchildren. I have seven
429. 23:27great
430. 23:33grandsons
431. 23:35and and they never had grandparents.
432. 23:40I'm very proud to be a Jew because my
433. 23:46ancestors were slaves. I know that. I
434. 23:49studied that. But when they were
435. 23:53liberated, they were on the desert. My
436. 23:56understanding is and you know much more
437. 23:59about it that they they found this guy
438. 24:02called Moses and they were on the
439. 24:08desert more than 40 years and they never
440. 24:12gave up.
441. 24:14I carry that blood. I'm a very proud
442. 24:18Jew. A woman of strength. Not a strong
443. 24:22woman. a woman of strength that comes
444. 24:26from the inside.
445. 24:29So you are the quintessential Jew by
446. 24:32being the ultimate
447. 24:35survivor and in in one word or a few
448. 24:39words, what keeps you
449. 24:44going?
450. 24:46God. The God that is my guide.
451. 24:52I turn to God for
452. 24:55everything. What now? Rather than by me.
453. 25:01To to some people who have who
454. 25:06don't are not aware that they have God
455. 25:09in their lives. Yeah. What would you say
456. 25:12to them? How do you inspire them to
457. 25:16faith? Well, whatever they doing, I
458. 25:18would ask, "How's it working for
459. 25:21you?" Because people many times
460. 25:26blame. And while you blame, you're still
461. 25:29a
462. 25:30child. Children blame. You made me
463. 25:33angry. You, you know, it's No. No. I
464. 25:37think it's very important to to take
465. 25:41freedom with
466. 25:44responsibility. Freedom without
467. 25:47responsibility is
468. 25:49energarchy. And I know that because I
469. 25:52saw people, as I told you, going outside
470. 25:55and then coming back, sitting down,
471. 26:00waiting, waiting because we were
472. 26:03brainwashed and told that we're never
473. 26:06going to get out of here alive. And
474. 26:08after a while, unfortunately, you
475. 26:10believe it.
476. 26:12You mentioned that the day you were you
477. 26:16went off to eventually the camps and
478. 26:19Awitz. Yeah. Was the day of Pesak,
479. 26:23Passover. What does
480. 26:26freedom mean to you? What does the
481. 26:28festival of Passover mean to you?
482. 26:31Particularly in light of the fact that
483. 26:34you were taken out of your freedom. You
484. 26:37lost your freedom on the day of
485. 26:38Passover.
486. 26:40I I lost the freedom
487. 26:46externally but not internally. I became
488. 26:50stronger and I kept feeding
489. 26:54myself that I don't like it and it is
490. 26:58inconvenient and it's temporary
491. 27:01and I can survive it. I change the but
492. 27:05into. Yes. And
493. 27:08furthermore, so I think it's good to pay
494. 27:11attention what you're paying attention
495. 27:13to because any behavior you pay
496. 27:16attention to, you reinforce. I don't
497. 27:19want to think about it. You're going to
498. 27:21think about
499. 27:24it. You can think of anything you want
500. 27:26to think of, but don't think of an
501. 27:29apple.
502. 27:34You're thinking of an apple, don't you?
503. 27:36I told you not to think about. You're
504. 27:38going to think about because nobody
505. 27:40wants to do what you're told. They you
506. 27:45want to be your own intelligent one of a
507. 27:48kind unique authentic self. That's
508. 27:53that's Do you think making sacrifices in
509. 27:58life has helped you grow as a person?
510. 28:04I wanted to leave no matter what uh I
511. 28:08had to do. But I was very young and very
512. 28:12much in
513. 28:13love. And so
514. 28:17I I
515. 28:19I began to work with Vietnam
516. 28:23veterans and one of them was in a fetal
517. 28:26position. Why me? and screaming. And
518. 28:30conversely, the other
519. 28:32one says to me,
520. 28:36"Hey,
521. 28:37hey, I'm sitting in a
522. 28:40wheelchair." And you know
523. 28:43what? God gave me a
524. 28:46gift because I can see my children's
525. 28:49eyes much
526. 28:51closer. I can see the flowers. And here
527. 28:55I am wearing a white coat.
528. 28:58Department of Psychiatry Dr. Editiva
529. 29:01Eager and I
530. 29:03feel like an
531. 29:08impostor because I
532. 29:11never
533. 29:13ever faced a
534. 29:1716-year-old in
535. 29:19me and that's when I decided to go back
536. 29:22to Awitz. I wish I could meet those
537. 29:26wonderful Vietnam veterans. I still work
538. 29:30with some of them who are homeless
539. 29:34because when they came back, nobody
540. 29:36really welcome them and they still feel
541. 29:39like a victim. I was victimized. I
542. 29:43refused to be a victim. I think it's
543. 29:46important for us to give
544. 29:48birth to the real person that we were
545. 29:51meant to be free. Freedom. Freedom.
546. 29:55Freedom. The other effort is from
547. 29:59freedom from the concentration camp that
548. 30:02is in your own mind and the key is in
549. 30:05your pocket.
550. 30:08After 120 years when you meet God. Yeah.
551. 30:13What is the first question you'll ask
552. 30:15him?
553. 30:17Thank you for being with me and our I
554. 30:22would probably say I'm so happy to be
555. 30:26here because I
556. 30:29know without
557. 30:31you I wouldn't be here.
558. 30:35Are you is any part of
559. 30:38you angry with God?
560. 30:45I went through my
561. 30:47anger. I went through my
562. 30:51rage before I even
563. 30:55think of anything
564. 30:57else. I thought of
565. 31:00revenge. I thought of great deal of
566. 31:02anger.
567. 31:05But I had to go through
568. 31:07it to even begin the idea of
569. 31:12forgiveness. It's not me forgiving you
570. 31:15for what you did to me. It's forgiving
571. 31:18myself to put judgment on me.
572. 31:24I think it's very
573. 31:26important not to put
574. 31:29judgment and say yes, but it's better to
575. 31:33say yes and I'm here now. Whatever
576. 31:38happened, I could have died and I
577. 31:41didn't. It's easier to die than to
578. 31:45live. I could have cured myself and I
579. 31:48did
580. 31:50not. So, I'm grateful to have three
581. 31:53children, five
582. 31:55grandchildren, and seven great
583. 31:59grandsons. And that's my revenge to
584. 32:03Hitler. In telling your great-grandson,
585. 32:06please God, at his
586. 32:10baritzvah, what can you say to him in
587. 32:13terms of what it means to be Jewish?
588. 32:18that he is going to be a
589. 32:20survivor and not a victim of anything or
590. 32:25anyone or any circumstance
591. 32:30ever. We
592. 32:32are not rigid. We are
593. 32:36flexible. Our ancestors didn't give
594. 32:40up even though they were in a desert for
595. 32:43over 40 years and they never gave up.
596. 32:47That's the blood you carry. That's what
597. 32:50I will tell him.
598. 32:52The Roar Jewish Learning Institute has
599. 32:54the largest collection of Jewish media
600. 32:56online. Hit subscribe for more.
601. 32:59[Music]