I guess they let American ignorance through customs. #canada #roast — Transcript

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1. 0:00I had a friend bet me money that I
2. 0:02wouldn't roast Canadians in Canada.
3. 0:08And I would like to make some money
4. 0:09tonight. So, here we go.
5. 0:11You guys have one of the largest
6. 0:13countries by landmass, but the lowest
7. 0:15population density in the world. For
8. 0:17people who say more than anyone,
9. 0:19you guys don't.
10. 0:20>> [laughter]
11. 0:25>> The dudes in Canada are so ugly that
12. 0:27even the women consent by saying, "Yeah,
13. 0:29no, yeah."
14. 0:35>> [cheering]
15. 0:36>> I love how passive-aggressive you guys
16. 0:38are.
17. 0:40You guys built a whole country on
18. 0:41awkwardly apologizing to someone's face
19. 0:43and then later getting angry about it
20. 0:45behind their back.
21. 0:47Up here, I guess it's called being
22. 0:49Canadian, but down in the states, we
23. 0:50call that autism, just so you know.
24. 0:56Almost half the population in Canada was
25. 0:58born in other countries, which is wild.
26. 1:01Canada's mostly frozen, but you still
27. 1:03don't have any ice.
28. 1:05>> [cheering]
29. 1:08>> The women up here are crazy, dude. One
30. 1:10time I gave this Canadian chick a dollar
31. 1:12to stop following me, and I gave her
32. 1:14friend $2 for never leaving her
33. 1:16hometown. That day I gave a loonie a
34. 1:18loonie and a toonie a twooney.
35. 1:22>> [applause]
36. 1:23>> The Hawaiian pizza was invented in
37. 1:25Canada. Congrats on the only war you
38. 1:27ever started.
39. 1:29>> [laughter]
40. 1:31>> Canada produces about 90% of the world's
41. 1:34maple syrup. You guys have so much pride
42. 1:36for sucking off a bunch of trees.
43. 1:38>> [laughter]
44. 1:41>> Canada has something called MAID, which
45. 1:43is a program where you can ask a doctor
46. 1:44to help you end your life. You guys have
47. 1:47more assisted dying than you do in
48. 1:48hockey.