I Got Tricked Into A Robbery — Transcript

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1. 0:00All right, bro.
2. 0:01>> [clears throat]
3. 0:01>> Let me paint the scene of my life at the
4. 0:03time.
5. 0:04So, I had just broke up with my
6. 0:06ex-girlfriend and I was working in the
7. 0:08kitchen, Hell's Kitchen, you know,
8. 0:10fighting the fire and [ __ ] glorified
9. 0:12SpongeBob [ __ ]
10. 0:14And all I'll say is a large part of us
11. 0:17breaking up, I was pretty broke cuz she
12. 0:20wanted all this fancy [ __ ] She wanted
13. 0:21to go out. I had to pay my car bill. I
14. 0:23had to pay my phone bill, my insurance.
15. 0:25Hell's Kitchen don't pay me that much.
16. 0:27If anything, they pay me like the
17. 0:28minimum, you know what I'm saying? And I
18. 0:31guess after we broke up, I was like,
19. 0:32"Damn, how do all these dudes get their
20. 0:34money up and I'm not and I'm busting my
21. 0:36ass? It's like some [ __ ] ain't adding up
22. 0:38here." And it's one of these nights
23. 0:40where I'm just in my head, I'm sitting
24. 0:41in my room and I'm thinking like, "Yo,
25. 0:43how am I going to get some motion, bro?
26. 0:45Why don't I got no motion?"
27. 0:48On a specific night, bro I ain't talked
28. 0:50to him in a while called me. And
29. 0:52we'll call him we'll call him Deadpool.
30. 0:55Feel like he low-key resembles Deadpool.
31. 0:57He's like, "Yo, I heard about what
32. 0:58happened with your ex, bro. And I got a
33. 1:01little offer for you." I'm like, "What,
34. 1:03bro?" He's like, "Listen, all you got to
35. 1:05do is help me with something tomorrow
36. 1:06morning. It'll take you 1 hour. Just hop
37. 1:08in the car, drive somewhere. I'll give
38. 1:10you a band, bro. You can go hit the
39. 1:12club, flex on your ex, pop some
40. 1:14bottles."
41. 1:16You know what I'm saying? And I'm sure
42. 1:18everyone is like,
43. 1:19"What the fuck?" But
44. 1:20I'm a [ __ ] idiot, bro. I hear that
45. 1:22[ __ ] I'm like, "Hell
46. 1:24okay. Watch this [ __ ] Henny XO
47. 1:26popping ass." And so me and him are
48. 1:28going back and forth for like a long
49. 1:30time, bro. We're going back and forth
50. 1:32for maybe an hour and a half. I'm like,
51. 1:34"Bro, I don't know, bro. It sounds like
52. 1:36it sounds like there's going to be
53. 1:37something that comes up. It sounds a
54. 1:39little too good to be true." Cuz if it
55. 1:41was that easy, bro, like why me? Why
56. 1:43don't you do it yourself? He's like,
57. 1:45"Bro,
58. 1:45it gets down to the point where he's
59. 1:47like, 'Bro, please, bro. Just just let
60. 1:49me give you a thousand dollars,
61. 1:51[laughter] bro.'" He keeps saying he's
62. 1:52like, "Bro, just let me give you a
63. 1:54thousand dollars."
64. 1:56At at point it's like 4:00 in the
65. 1:57[ __ ] morning. I'm like, "Fuck it, you
66. 1:59know?"
67. 1:59>> This is to take place at 7:00 in the
68. 2:01morning. I was dead broke at the time,
69. 2:03so he sent me like $30 for gas. He's
70. 2:05like, "Go fill up your car. I'mma text
71. 2:07you the address. Pick this person up,
72. 2:09drive them here, you'll be done in like
73. 2:1030 [music] minutes." So, no sleep?
74. 2:12>> No sleep.
75. 2:13>> Damn.
76. 2:13>> deprived, and I guess being sleep
77. 2:15deprived helped with the nerves a little
78. 2:16bit cuz my brain just wasn't firing as
79. 2:18much or some [ __ ]
80. 2:19>> don't got enough neurons.
81. 2:20>> On god, bro. Jimmy Neutron was gapping
82. 2:23me. And so, basically
83. 2:25>> [laughter]
84. 2:26>> World's shittiest joke.
85. 2:29Jimmy Neutron I don't I [ __ ] with it.
86. 2:31Jimmy Neutron gapping me. Okay, so
87. 2:33basically, it's time. Mhm. I chug a Red
88. 2:36Bull, and it's like I'm sleep deprived,
89. 2:38but the Red Bull kind of brought me up.
90. 2:39>> Yeah, wings, bro. Yeah, but like it
91. 2:41wasn't like wings, bro. It was more like
92. 2:43Like cardboard wings, maybe? Uh maybe
93. 2:46like very thin sheet metal aluminum or
94. 2:48something. [laughter] Okay. You know
95. 2:49what I'm saying? Yeah. Not wood, but
96. 2:51like
97. 2:52>> Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so, I drive to the
98. 2:54first spot. First thing I notice, bro is
99. 2:56not low-key. I pull up to the spot, this
100. 2:58guy is like 6'6",
101. 2:59>> Yeah.
102. 3:00>> maybe 300 lbs
103. 3:01>> Yeah. [laughter]
104. 3:02with a hat on God damn.
105. 3:03>> and a hood on
106. 3:04>> God damn.
107. 3:05>> wearing all black.
108. 3:06>> Yeah, you could not miss this
109. 3:07[ __ ] bro.
110. 3:08>> You can't. He hops in my car. Keep in
111. 3:10mind, small ass Honda coupe. Yeah. Big
112. 3:12ass [ __ ] man hops in my whip. Jolly
113. 3:15as hell.
114. 3:16>> Really?
115. 3:16>> He's like, "Hey, man. How's your day
116. 3:18going? Yeah, it's a beautiful day
117. 3:22today." It's like you You ever meet
118. 3:24somebody who's just too like happy Yeah.
119. 3:29in like a weird situation that it just
120. 3:31gives you like you're like, "What the
121. 3:32fuck?"
122. 3:33>> Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Albert giant hops
123. 3:35in my whip.
124. 3:35>> Yeah. And we pull off out of this little
125. 3:38uh this alleyway where we're at, right?
126. 3:39>> The whip's probably scraping the floor,
127. 3:41bro.
128. 3:41>> On god, bro, already. And then, we pull
129. 3:43out to the main road, and we're stopped
130. 3:45at the red light.
131. 3:46>> Yeah. And I look at him. His seat is
132. 3:48moved all the way up. Like, you You an
133. 3:50old grandma drives?
134. 3:51>> Yeah. Like that, but he's not even
135. 3:52driving. Big ass man. I'm like, "Yo,
136. 3:55lose the hat, bro." Yeah, yeah, yeah.
137. 3:56"Lose the hat." He's like, "Oh, lose the
138. 3:58hat?
139. 3:59Okay." I'm like, "Thank you." And he's
140. 4:02like, "Oh,
141. 4:03so Deadpool told you about what's going
142. 4:06on today, right?" I'm like, "Bro,
143. 4:08I'm I'm just a delivery driver, bro.
144. 4:10Like, you know what I'm saying?" He's
145. 4:11like, "Delivery?" I'm like, "Yeah."
146. 4:14[ __ ] He's like,
147. 4:16"Nah."
148. 4:17>> [laughter]
149. 4:17>> I'm like, "Bro, what?" I'm like, in my
150. 4:20head I'm like, "Fucking Deadpool, bro.
151. 4:22Like, I should have known."
152. 4:23>> Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so, he goes on to
153. 4:25explain. He's like, "Well, basically
154. 4:27like
155. 4:29we're just hitting the stain." I'm like,
156. 4:32"Bro,
157. 4:33I'm already locked into this [ __ ] You
158. 4:35know what I'm saying?"
159. 4:35>> too late, bro. It's 7:00 in the [ __ ]
160. 4:37morning. I haven't slept. And to make
161. 4:40things worse, I'm like, "All right, so
162. 4:43it's just you and me, right?" He's like,
163. 4:45"Nah, there's two more people to pick up
164. 4:47in a coupe." In my coupe. And I have my
165. 4:49full license at the time, so I can only
166. 4:51drive one person.
167. 4:52>> Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I'm like, "Great.
168. 4:54[ __ ] it." Yeah. You know what I'm
169. 4:55saying? And so, pick up the next dude.
170. 4:58No better, bro.
171. 4:59>> Yeah. Most suspicious guy I've ever seen
172. 5:01in my [ __ ] life, bro. Pulls up, all
173. 5:04black,
174. 5:04>> Yeah. shiesty on, Mhm. mittens on. Not
175. 5:07even gloves, bro. Mittens.
176. 5:09>> Like, what?
177. 5:10>> Like, did your grandma give YOU THIS
178. 5:12[ __ ]
179. 5:13MITTENS?
180. 5:14>> [laughter]
181. 5:14>> BRO, YEAH. that is not efficient at all.
182. 5:17>> Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, what the [ __ ]
183. 5:18you think you're going to fat finger the
184. 5:20[ __ ] Glock and shoot my Again, he
185. 5:22didn't say that. Like, bro, anyways,
186. 5:24finally, Mhm. we go to the last person.
187. 5:27>> Yeah. And the last person, it isn't even
188. 5:28an address. We're just It's a parking
189. 5:30lot.
190. 5:31>> Right.
191. 5:31>> We're all sitting there, making like
192. 5:32small talk. And like, the [music] thing
193. 5:34with these things is like, nobody's
194. 5:35looking at each other. Cuz you're not
195. 5:37supposed to really look at each other's
196. 5:38faces. You know what I'm saying?
197. 5:40>> So, I look down the street. I see this
198. 5:43guy with a [ __ ] doo-rag on.
199. 5:45>> Yeah. And a shiesty.
200. 5:47>> Yeah.
201. 5:47>> So, it's like I don't know what two legs
202. 5:49over the shiesty. No, no, no. He had the
203. 5:51shiesty pulled down with the durag on.
204. 5:53Oh, okay. Okay. Just put the shiesty on,
205. 5:55gang. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Extra as hell.
206. 5:57Bro, pants are like at his ankles, twin.
207. 6:00Yeah. Gloves again. Yeah. I think he
208. 6:02actually had gloves, not no mittens.
209. 6:03>> Right.
210. 6:04>> Pulls up to the whip. And he's like,
211. 6:07Let's get
212. 6:08Yeah.
213. 6:08>> I'm like, oh. Yeah. This is the crash
214. 6:10out one.
215. 6:11>> Yeah, yeah, yeah. But bro, this guy is
216. 6:12like I got Albert the giant. Yep. The
217. 6:15passenger. I got just like average Joe
218. 6:17in the back. Yeah. You got me driving.
219. 6:19Yeah. Bro, this guy is like Tiny Tim.
220. 6:22Mhm. Like just like this Bro, this guy
221. 6:24is like 5'2. Right.
222. 6:25>> what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's
223. 6:26all It sounds [laughter] like [ __ ]
224. 6:27the Home Alone team about to go hit a
225. 6:29lick. Oh my god. Like the goofy ass
226. 6:31Disney villains.
227. 6:32>> Yeah, literally. Basically,
228. 6:34I'm just looking at all these guys Mhm.
229. 6:36next to each other. And I'm trying to
230. 6:37find a universe in my [ __ ] brain that
231. 6:40these guys can actually get away with
232. 6:42this [ __ ] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm
233. 6:43not The odds aren't looking good, bro.
234. 6:46I'm not getting impressed. Right.
235. 6:47>> So I'm like, yo.
236. 6:49Y'all got a plan? Yeah.
237. 6:50>> done this type of [ __ ] together before?
238. 6:52Yeah. They're like, yeah. So basically,
239. 6:54the house that we were all going to go
240. 6:56and hang out at Yeah. hang out was this
241. 6:59um kid that they weren't really friends
242. 7:01with and he just happened to have like a
243. 7:04lot of gift cards in his room. Mhm. Like
244. 7:07way more than any kid any kid should
245. 7:09have.
246. 7:09>> Yeah. And he would always post his gift
247. 7:11cards online.
248. 7:12>> Right. Just like showing his uh his
249. 7:14Steam codes to everybody else. You know
250. 7:16what I'm saying?
251. 7:17>> So on the way there, I'm asking them
252. 7:18questions. Oh, how do you know this kid
253. 7:20has so many gift cards? Right. Where do
254. 7:22you get these gift cards?
255. 7:23>> Yeah.
256. 7:23>> Oh, do you know if um he's going to be
257. 7:25there when we go to hang out with him or
258. 7:27not?
259. 7:27>> Yeah. Do you know if uh his parents have
260. 7:29cameras? Do you know if Do you know
261. 7:30[ __ ] anything, gang?
262. 7:32>> Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're like, yo.
263. 7:33Of course Albert the giant ass Yo. Yo.
264. 7:37We hired guys to go look and they They
265. 7:40They're professional, bro. Like like
266. 7:42serious proper, bro. Like they really
267. 7:44did a good job. And we're getting
268. 7:47closer. We're getting closer. And I
269. 7:48can't believe this is real, man. Right.
270. 7:50>> And the [ __ ] the guy in the backseat
271. 7:52is like, "Yo, put on that Chief Keef."
272. 7:55Yeah.
273. 7:55>> I don't know why, bro. I put on the
274. 7:57Chief Keef for them. And these guys
275. 7:59start like jumping up and down like
276. 8:00we're about to go to a [ __ ] house
277. 8:02party. Yeah, yeah. Have you no
278. 8:03professionalism, bro? Yeah, [laughter]
279. 8:05yeah. What the [ __ ] Yeah. And at this
280. 8:07point I'm like 2 minutes away from the
281. 8:08crib. And let's just say these guys all
282. 8:11have ray guns inside my car. Yeah. Bro,
283. 8:14let's just say Oh, no, I can't say gold
284. 8:16star. I said mhm mhm.
285. 8:17>> [clears throat]
286. 8:18>> Okay. Let's just say we're four deep in
287. 8:20my car, maybe like 2 minutes away from
288. 8:22the spot. And these guys all have
289. 8:24bananas
290. 8:25like IN THEIR PANTS.
291. 8:27>> [laughter]
292. 8:31>> THIS [ __ ] IS LEAVING. THIS
293. 8:32[ __ ] IS exiting the [ __ ]
294. 8:34apartment, bro. Now, he's gone.
295. 8:37>> [laughter]
296. 8:38>> Bananas in their pants on the plane.
297. 8:41Come back, bro.
298. 8:44>> [laughter]
299. 8:44>> He's locked in.
300. 8:48He's
301. 8:49We got four guys with bananas in the
302. 8:50pants.
303. 8:51>> [laughter]
304. 8:52>> All right, so let's just say we're like
305. 8:542 minutes away from the spot.
306. 8:56>> Yeah. We got four guys in the whip, and
307. 8:59they got ray guns.
308. 9:00>> Mhm. But like not the COD [ __ ] like the
309. 9:03real [ __ ] You know what I'm saying?
310. 9:04>> ray gun. Yeah, the real ray guns. And
311. 9:07we're like 2 minutes away from the spot.
312. 9:08Four ray guns in the whip. I was only
313. 9:10supposed to be driving one person. Yeah.
314. 9:12It's super private as [ __ ] It's a
315. 9:13coupe. You can't even [ __ ] move your
316. 9:15[ __ ] to fart in that [ __ ] And he's
317. 9:18like, "All right, turn left." And then
318. 9:19he's like, "Yo, turn into this
319. 9:21alleyway." I'm like, "Okay." Before I
320. 9:24turn in, I'm looking around. I'm like,
321. 9:25"Yo, you scouted You said you came here
322. 9:27before and scouted for cameras and [ __ ]
323. 9:29right?" He's like, "Yeah." I'm like,
324. 9:30"What the [ __ ] is that right there,
325. 9:32gang?" Big ass [ __ ] 360 camera right
326. 9:36in front of the alleyway.
327. 9:37>> Oh. And at this point, bro, I'm like is
328. 9:39so desperate, bro, for money and this is
329. 9:41actually like
330. 9:43one of the biggest mistakes of my life,
331. 9:44like dead ass.
332. 9:45>> Yeah. I'm like, [ __ ] it.
333. 9:47You wrote, cuz. Uh-huh. I reverse into
334. 9:50the alleyway and I see the three of them
335. 9:52walking off, right? Like watching them
336. 9:55walk away, like I couldn't find a sliver
337. 9:57of [ __ ] hope in them, bro.
338. 9:58>> Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not one, bro. It's
339. 10:00like sending like like three kids from
340. 10:03Little League to [ __ ] play the MLB
341. 10:05finals, bro. Like dead ass, no, worse,
342. 10:07bro. This [ __ ] is like, you know, you
343. 10:09know when the boss has like the the two
344. 10:11dumb ass [ __ ] like sidekicks.
345. 10:13>> Like Butthead and Beavis.
346. 10:15>> Yeah, Beavis and Butthead. Imagine there
347. 10:16was another one called like [ __ ] Meat
348. 10:18Ass or some [ __ ] That was [ __ ] Andre
349. 10:20the Giant, bro. Beavis, Butthead, and
350. 10:22Meat Ass.
351. 10:24>> [laughter]
352. 10:24>> [ __ ] the the big three, bro. So, the
353. 10:26big three walk up to the crib, try to
354. 10:29kick the door down, kick the handle off.
355. 10:31Finally, Meathead comes through with
356. 10:33Meathead kick, [ __ ] extra 100 damage,
357. 10:36kicks the door open.
358. 10:37>> Yeah. Bro, there's like a little ass
359. 10:40[ __ ] poodle dog Yeah. barking at
360. 10:42them. What would anybody do in this
361. 10:44situation, right? Grab the dog, put it
362. 10:46in another room, Yeah. close the door.
363. 10:48Yeah. You don't even got to do nothing.
364. 10:50These guys get scared at the poodle dog.
365. 10:52Bro, it's like a [ __ ] Andre the Giant
366. 10:55looking [ __ ] and Meathead and
367. 10:58two like other grown ass men.
368. 11:00>> Right. These guys just start running
369. 11:02from the [ __ ] little poodle dog.
370. 11:03>> No sir. They get back in my car and I'm
371. 11:05hoping to see like some gift cards. You
372. 11:08know what I'm saying? I'm hoping to see
373. 11:09the files. Yeah. And I don't see [ __ ]
374. 11:12and they break it down to me and they
375. 11:13tell me what happened. I'm like, "Yo,
376. 11:15are you [ __ ] serious, bro? [laughter]
377. 11:17Like are you for real right now?"
378. 11:18They're like, "Yeah." And you know how I
379. 11:20felt, bro? Have you ever like lost a
380. 11:22soccer tournament and your mom's driving
381. 11:24you and like your friends home and it's
382. 11:26like the vibe in the car is just like Oh
383. 11:27god, yeah. Man, if Connor if Connor just
384. 11:31crossed it, I could have [ __ ] I could
385. 11:33have hit a volley kick in. Yeah, yeah,
386. 11:36yeah, I know what you mean. Bro, this
387. 11:37[ __ ] kid in the back is talking
388. 11:39about, "Bro, I would have been the first
389. 11:41kid from my neighborhood with the AMG."
390. 11:44Oh, hell no, bro.
391. 11:45>> guy is like, "Oh, we were so close."
392. 11:47Like
393. 11:47Like It actually felt like I was like a
394. 11:50soccer mom and my kids just lost the
395. 11:51[ __ ] the state finals, bro. Like
396. 11:54>> Yeah, except your kid is 300 [ __ ]
397. 11:56pounds.
398. 11:57>> Yeah, meathead fuckboy. Yeah. So, I drop
399. 12:00all these guys off.
400. 12:01>> Yeah. And the last dude, the tiny dude,
401. 12:03I'm driving him home and he's just like,
402. 12:06bro, he's genuinely like so bummed out.
403. 12:08I got to like [laughter] make him feel a
404. 12:09little bit better. He just has his
405. 12:11leaning his head on his [ __ ] fist
406. 12:13>> Yeah.
407. 12:13>> and his his elbows resting on the window
408. 12:16and he's just looking out of the window
409. 12:17probably [ __ ] I don't know what song
410. 12:19he's picturing in his head, bro. Some
411. 12:20sad [ __ ]
412. 12:21>> Yeah. And I'm like, "Bro, you good?"
413. 12:24"Don't worry. Blah, blah, blah." Happens
414. 12:26to the best of us. Yeah, you could say
415. 12:28that. And then I drop them off. I hit up
416. 12:31Deadpool. I'm like, "Yo, guys you hired
417. 12:33[ __ ] suck, bro. Can I still get my
418. 12:35money, bro? At least half cuz like I did
419. 12:36what I was supposed to do."
420. 12:37>> Facts. You know what I'm saying? Like
421. 12:38it's not my fault that you hired [ __ ]
422. 12:40Beavis, Butthead, and [ __ ] Meat Ass
423. 12:43to go on a [ __ ] CIA type operation,
424. 12:45bro. Like I don't know what you
425. 12:46expected.
426. 12:47>> he's like, "Yeah, bro, don't [music]
427. 12:48worry.
428. 12:49Bro, I got you." Never got that money,
429. 12:51bro. Mhm. Uh the next couple days, bro,
430. 12:54I was so paranoid driving home from
431. 12:56work. I thought I was undercover police
432. 12:57cars following me. Crazy, bro. For real.
433. 13:00That [ __ ] is one of the luckiest days of
434. 13:02my life that like You got to thank God
435. 13:04for that poodle, bro, cuz if they
436. 13:05actually went inside and hung out
437. 13:07>> Yeah, if they hung out, bro, I wouldn't
438. 13:09be doing no hanging out except with one
439. 13:11dude in a [ __ ] concrete box.
440. 13:14>> For real. Or a [ __ ] black dick. The
441. 13:16moral of the story is have morals, gang.
442. 13:18>> Yeah, no, literally. Sometimes, even if
443. 13:20you remember your morals after the fact,
444. 13:23you're already in a position where you
445. 13:24can't fix it. And you don't want to be
446. 13:25in that position where you have to do
447. 13:27something you don't want to do. Mhm. And
448. 13:29you're going to look back on it and
449. 13:30regret it.
450. 13:30>> Yeah. [ __ ] can have serious
451. 13:31consequences. And stay true to yourself
452. 13:34always. It's not worth a little bag.
453. 13:36Mhm. The motion going to come. Mhm.
454. 13:38>> Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. Mhm.
455. 13:42Damn.
456. 13:49Damn. We trying to get some gift cards.
457. 13:52Three stooges, we won't make it far.
458. 13:54I would eat head in the car. I would eat
459. 13:57butt head in the car. I would eat beaver
460. 14:00in the car. Damn. This [ __ ] ain't going
461. 14:02to [ __ ] work.
462. 14:03I can't
463. 14:05stop.
464. 14:06Damn. He's a [ __ ] [ __ ]