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I Became Secure in Love by 23 - Here’s the Real Secret — Transcript

by Andriana Nik · 4,383 words · 606 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00Why do some women feel secure in love
0:02and others feel like love is that one
0:05place that they can never quite get it
0:07right? Why do some women attract
0:09partners who are consistent, who are
0:12loving, who are emotionally available
0:13for them, and others keep ending up with
0:16people who are hot and cold that are
0:19unavailable or just not quite right? Why
0:22do some women know exactly how they feel
0:25and what they want and others find
0:28themselves completely dependent on
0:30someone else's mood just for them to
0:33feel okay? I don't know. Is it luck? Is
0:35it the type of men that they're meeting?
0:37Or is it that some women are just wired
0:39differently? I used to think so. I used
0:42to think that some women were just born
0:44with that natural ease in love and I was
0:47simply not one of them. And the reason I
0:50am making this video is because I was
0:52that woman. I was a woman who was
0:54confident in every other area of her
0:57life except this one. The one who hold
0:59herself together perfectly everywhere
1:02else and then fall apart the moment that
1:05she started caring about someone. And
1:07for a long time I thought that there was
1:09something wrong with me that maybe I was
1:11too much. I was too sensitive. I was too
1:14anxious. I wasn't one of those cool,
1:17effortlessly secure girls. And then I
1:19went through a year that changed
1:22everything. A year where I made every
1:24mistake possible. I reflected on all of
1:27it. I became the woman that I actually
1:31wanted to be in love. And I did that not
1:33by finding the right person, but by
1:36becoming the right person. And I'm
1:38making this video because I know you
1:40might be sitting exactly where I was,
1:43wondering why do this thing keeps
1:46happening to you. You're tired of the
1:47anxiety, the overthinking. And you're
1:50tired of the feeling of not being able
1:52to just be calm. And I want you to know
1:55that it is not you. It's not that you
1:57are broken or that you're too much or
2:00not enough. It's that nobody taught you
2:02this in life. And that's what I'm here
2:03for because I know one thing. I know
2:06women don't want that relationship. I
2:08know that what they want is the security
2:11that the relationship gives them. So if
2:14that's what we really want, then we
2:16don't have to wait for a good, healthy
2:18relationship to feel that. We can give
2:20that to ourselves. Now, in this video, I
2:23want to walk you through every single
2:25turning point that got me here. All of
2:27the mistakes, the realizations, the
2:30lessons, so you can actually understand
2:33what's going on. and what it takes to
2:36get to the other side. So, a little
2:38disclaimer before we start. I want to
2:41emphasize this that I don't think that
2:43you need a relationship or you need to
2:46be dating to have an amazing life and to
2:48feel good about yourself. These things
2:50should not be a need, but they should be
2:53a nice addition to your life. I know
2:55that collectively as women, we have
2:56leveled up massively. We are
2:58understanding our worth regardless of
3:00our relationship status. We are
3:03decentering men and we are raising our
3:06standards which it's great but I know
3:08that this is still a problem that so
3:11many women still struggle with no matter
3:13how amazing, how beautiful, how
3:15successful they are. And the reason why
3:18I also struggled with this as well had
3:20nothing to do with my value or my worth.
3:23The origin of the problem is something
3:25deeper and the origin it is our early
3:28attachment wounds that were either
3:30formed in our childhood or in early
3:34relationship experiences that have left
3:37a great impact on how we see ourselves
3:40and how we act in our relationships. I
3:44used to think that there must be
3:45something wrong with me for
3:46relationships to be so hard. But I
3:48realized that the only thing that was
3:51wrong was the way that I was seeing
3:53myself in relationships. I asked myself,
3:56was I seeing myself as worthy of
3:58unconditional love? Did I expect people
4:01to act in certain ways that hurt me or
4:04ways that showed respect? So, I want to
4:06share my experience with any girl that I
4:08can help. My intention is to never
4:11promote relationships, but to actually
4:14make you feel secure in yourself,
4:16whether you're in one or not, because it
4:18really doesn't have to be that hard. So,
4:20let's get into it. The first key moment
4:22that made me change how I see
4:25relationships was when I firstly started
4:28dating. And I can say I had a very
4:29expected dating experience. You know,
4:31the type of one where you get into it,
4:33you feel excited, you feel like
4:35chemistry, you're having fun, you have
4:37great dates, and you're knowing that
4:39there's that mutual attraction, but
4:42right at the peak, out of nowhere,
4:44something happens, and you start losing
4:46that momentum, and as expected, because
4:49usually the people involved in this
4:52experience are not really securing
4:55themselves. So what usually ends up
4:58happening is you both of you ruin
5:01something good because of your inability
5:03to emotionally communicate and to
5:05express yourself. And of course this was
5:07a big shock for me because I couldn't
5:10understand and I couldn't justify why
5:12was that happening and especially since
5:14I knew that we both liked each other.
5:16And it was at that moment of my life
5:18that I learned that liking each other is
5:21not enough to make something between you
5:24guys work. What really shocked me the
5:26most was my own emotional reaction to
5:29how the situation was going. I think
5:31when you're getting emotionally invested
5:34to someone, when you are not secure yet,
5:36when you're maybe anxious or
5:38disorganized, you get also attached to
5:41the outcome. So, I saw myself for the
5:44first time spiraling. I saw myself
5:46overthinking and going over everything
5:49and not being able to stop myself from
5:51overthinking and going over everything.
5:53I was feeling so uncertain and so
5:57doubtful and I was in that phase where
5:59your mood depends in your communication
6:02with that person. Of course, logically I
6:05knew better and I knew that and it
6:07bothered me that I knew better, but I
6:10emotionally I would still react and it
6:13bothered me and I hated how little
6:16control I had over myself and over the
6:19outcome of the situation which I think
6:21further triggered me and this was the
6:24first time that I realized wow this is
6:28really bad. I was so shocked by my own
6:32reaction and I understood that this is
6:36not a normal way to experience dating. I
6:41remember thinking if any person that I
6:44am dating has the power to unwrap me in
6:47such a level then I'm in really big
6:50trouble. I felt like I can't keep dating
6:53if this has the power to destabilize me
6:56so much. My mistake was that I was
6:59looking at how well the dating situation
7:02was going in order for me to feel stable
7:05within myself. And from that mistake, I
7:07learned a very invaluable lesson. I
7:09learned that I wasn't just reacting to
7:12the dating situation or the outcome, but
7:15I was mostly reacting to how unsafe and
7:18how unsettled it made me feel. You know,
7:21going through that moment in your life,
7:23you feel like this sucks. But I'm so
7:27grateful for the lesson that it taught
7:29me. It taught me that there is an
7:31unhealed part of me that is screaming
7:34for attention and until I face it and
7:37until I heal it, I will just simply
7:40continue hurting and getting hurt in
7:42relationships. And so that moment gave
7:45me something that I really needed. It
7:47gave me awareness. And awareness is key.
7:50If you don't know what is wrong with
7:51you, you can't figure out how to make it
7:54right. The second key moment came when I
7:57became aware of my patterns. But instead
8:00of fixing them and becoming deeply aware
8:02of them and understanding them, I
8:05instead tried the easy way out. I tried
8:09to control them. I remember thinking
8:11that, okay, if I'm acting like that,
8:14then I have to put on a mask hiding how
8:17I actually think and how I behave and
8:20how I actually act the opposite way. I
8:23thought that if I can't win the way that
8:26I was right now, I better fake it. And
8:29so that's when all the game started. You
8:32know, I acted more detached. I acted
8:35more composed. I tried to fake security.
8:39So what I did was to focus on the
8:41manipulation tactics. You know, the
8:43typical dating games that some people
8:46preach is a way to get a man. And I was
8:49thinking that you know if I become so
8:52good at those games then this is how I
8:54will be able to have control. This is
8:56how other women are so detached and so
8:59in control is because they play games
9:01too. And I wanted to have control. I
9:03wanted to feel like the person that was
9:06chased in the dynamic. Well, you can
9:07already probably tell that didn't really
9:10work either because the thing about
9:13dating games and tactics and all of that
9:16push and pull thing is that even if you
9:19do win the games, even if you win, you
9:21still end up losing. And the reason why
9:23you lose is because you only end up
9:27getting chosen and getting chased by
9:29that person by showing a mask by showing
9:33that inauthentic version of yourself
9:36that is not actually real. And you know
9:38that you know that the other person
9:41didn't fall for you but they fell for
9:43the games. And by the way, the only type
9:46of people that fall for the games are
9:50usually insecure and immature partners
9:52themselves because think about it who
9:55likes games is usually an avoidant type
9:59that likes the games because the games
10:02is what they expect and what they want.
10:04So basically you learn how to play the
10:06game of attracting avoidant partner as
10:08well. that you know that the moment you
10:12go back to your anxious self, the moment
10:14you lose a bit of control, they are
10:16going to be repelled. And so this leaves
10:19you with no other choice but to keep
10:22playing the game. And honestly, who has
10:23time for that? You reach a point in the
10:26game where you realize and you think,
10:28you know, this is a waste of my time and
10:30energy. You realize that I don't want to
10:32just attract an avoidant person and make
10:35them stop me. I want to attract a secure
10:37partner. I want to attract a secure
10:40person that is going to effortlessly
10:42choose to stay because they choose to
10:45stay for me and not the games. This
10:47moment in my life, it told me that I
10:50didn't want to play the games. I didn't
10:52want to participate in them. I didn't
10:55even care to win them. I didn't simply
10:57want to win and being chased, but I
11:00wanted to be really chosen for who I
11:03really was. and not because I played
11:05with someone's mind, but because they
11:07would choose me regardless, because they
11:09would choose me for who I am. This was
11:12the moment in my life that taught me
11:14that control is not security. You can
11:17control how you're perceived by others,
11:19but you can never fool yourself, can't
11:21fake feeling secure in yourself. Okay.
11:24So, this next phase, I don't actually
11:26hear a lot of people talk about this one
11:29enough because this is a phase where
11:32from the outside it looks like you made
11:34a lot of progress. It even feels like
11:36progress, but it has its own trap. This
11:39was the phase where I became more aware.
11:41I became more patient. I was less
11:43reactive. I stopped the games and also I
11:46stopped spiraling the way that I used to
11:48when I was dating. But I became
11:51something else. I became hypervigilant
11:54and the best way to explain it is that
11:57is like I had people under a complete
12:00microscope. So I was looking for the red
12:04flags everywhere. I was so focused on
12:07protecting myself that I was barely
12:10present and you know I was there on the
12:12date but I wasn't really. I was
12:14observing. I was assessing. I was like
12:17noticing the patterns and cataloging
12:19them and trying to find any potential
12:23you know threat and I was in that phase
12:25where I knew what I didn't want but I
12:28still didn't know how to just trust
12:31myself to be myself fully in it and
12:34that's the lesson from this phase. I
12:36understood that I was aware. But
12:38awareness without actually the security
12:41is just another way of you armoring
12:44yourself because you're still afraid to
12:46let yourself to be fully seen as
12:49yourself. And it's not only because you
12:51don't trust the other person, but mainly
12:53because you don't fully trust yourself.
12:55You want to be that detached, calm girl,
12:58but you still hold back and you are
13:01afraid to fully let go. I remember I
13:04could see everything clearly and I will
13:07still be emotionally unavailable to
13:09myself. So this made me realize that
13:11knowing your patterns isn't the same
13:13thing as being free from them. And
13:16that's also when I started asking myself
13:19something that completely changed the
13:21way of how I showed up. So everything I
13:24want in a partner realize am I being
13:28that first? Because if I'm asking for
13:31someone who is emotionally secure, who
13:33is calm, who is honest, who is loving,
13:36am I actually bringing that to the
13:38table? And that question made me click
13:41and it made me look at myself completely
13:45in a complete different way. I didn't
13:47see myself as a self-improvement project
13:49that I needed to start working on for
13:51the sake of attracting someone, but I
13:53saw it as a selfrespect thing. I saw it
13:55that as actually becoming the woman that
13:58I wanted to be, becoming the type of
14:00partner that I wanted for myself.
14:03Because if I wanted that for myself, I
14:06also wanted that for my partner, the
14:09person that I supposed to love
14:11unconditionally, they deserve to be with
14:14someone that is emotionally available,
14:18that is emotionally stable, secure in
14:20themselves. And so this was the moment
14:22that I realized that I wanted a secure
14:25partner but me myself I wasn't secure.
14:29How could I ask for something that me
14:32myself I couldn't offer back? And you
14:35know a secure person would want and
14:37would naturally be attracted to someone
14:39that is as secure. And here I was in the
14:43in between of who I used to be and who I
14:46wanted to become. And I knew in that
14:49moment that if I wanted to get into a
14:52secure relationship, I needed to learn
14:55how to become secure and to become the
14:58type of person that I was looking for
15:01and asking for and that was only fair.
15:04So after that realization, I became more
15:07interested in others, in the people that
15:09I was dating. And when challenges or
15:12things didn't work out, I started seeing
15:15them as signs that this is not meant for
15:17me. And it made me more detached. It
15:19made me more open-minded. This was the
15:21moment where I allowed myself to truly
15:24open up to myself first. And I had a lot
15:27of self-reflection and a lot of
15:29realizations that made me deeply aware
15:32of my own wounds and actually
15:34understanding why I was acting and
15:36reacting in the ways that I was. I came
15:39to understand myself better and have way
15:42much more compassion towards myself
15:45which also allowed me to show up like
15:48that for other people as well. I didn't
15:50see them as potential problems,
15:53potential red flags. I was able to be
15:55more open to get to know them and
15:58understand them better. Why are you like
16:00this? And I had genuine curiosity. So I
16:03was more willing to try and to
16:05experience new stuff and being more
16:08exposed to people. And that was because
16:10I was no longer afraid that they had the
16:14power to break me. So that allowed me to
16:16be more communicative, to be more
16:18direct, to be more authentic, to be more
16:20myself because I was no longer afraid to
16:23be the real me because for me the my
16:25priority at that point it became to
16:28never lose myself for the sake of any
16:31other person. So because I understood
16:34the person that was meant for me, they
16:36will be attracted to the real me. So my
16:38only job was to show up on dates as my
16:41real authentic version and not to
16:44interfere with the process. So this was
16:46the phase where things started to become
16:48lighter in dating. I stopped being
16:50afraid of things not working out. And I
16:53mean I want to be clear, this wasn't me
16:56becoming cold or indifferent. It wasn't
16:59that I stopped caring. It was more like
17:02I stopped needing the guarantee. I was
17:06truly more detached. So when things when
17:10something didn't work out, I just
17:11started to feel like, okay, it's just
17:13misalignment. It's nothing personal.
17:16It's not a verdict on me or on the other
17:18person. It's just two people who weren't
17:21the right fit for each other. And I know
17:23that sounds simple, like, okay, we've
17:25heard all that. But there's a difference
17:28between understanding something and
17:30actually feeling it. And when you
17:32actually feel it, not just know it
17:35intellectually, but feel it, like that's
17:38when everything really changes. I
17:40started showing up differently. And so
17:43that was what allowed me to show up and
17:46to be more open, to be more direct, to
17:49be more myself. I stopped showing up
17:53hoping, oh, I just want to be chosen.
17:55how is this person going to react to me
17:57and how I am and my worth? And I started
18:00showing up just to figure out if this
18:02was someone that was worth my time and
18:05not in the way of inspecting them
18:07anymore, but more like seeing it as an
18:09opportunity to meet a new person that I
18:12could potentially have fun with and
18:15learn something new from them, have a
18:17nice conversation. I no longer showed up
18:20on dates with that expectation of this,
18:22this needs to become something. I simply
18:25saw them as an opportunity of making a
18:28potential friend. And you know that is
18:31so powerful because people could feel
18:34that shift because it's undeniable.
18:36There's something about a woman who is
18:38genuinely present is genuinely herself
18:41and she's genuinely unbothered by the
18:43outcome. That is so completely magnetic,
18:46right? And it's not because she's
18:48playing any games. She's faking it.
18:50She's playing it hard to get, but
18:52because you reach a point where you're
18:54really not desperate to be gotten. So
18:57that moment taught me that, wow, this
18:59feels so right and this feels so light
19:02for a reason. It made me realize that,
19:04wow, this was how it was supposed to
19:07feel all along. It was supposed to feel
19:09effortless. It was supposed to be just
19:11me showing up as genuinely comfortable
19:14in myself, being my authentic self with
19:16no intention of forcing an outcome or
19:19forcing a connection, but with simply
19:23the intention of meeting someone, just
19:25having fun. I realized that it was
19:28supposed to be this simple and it was
19:30supposed to be this effortless all
19:32along, but we keep listening to the
19:34wrong advice because we expect it to be
19:37more complex and we expect it to be
19:39harder because if it was supposed to be
19:41that easy then everyone will be having
19:45an amazing healthy loving relationship.
19:47Usually the solution to our problems is
19:50always the simplest one. But yeah, I had
19:52to go through the journey and through
19:54the path for me to realize that it also
19:57clicked because I related to my
19:59friendships. I realized that I never had
20:01to force a friendship before in my life
20:04and I was just effortlessly able to
20:06attract my amazing friends that you know
20:09so why was I taking a completely
20:12opposite approach with relationships? So
20:16this really made me click and I realized
20:19then and there that well that means that
20:22there must be an amazing relationship
20:24out there for me and it's going to
20:25happen as easily as it happened for me
20:28to get into my amazing friendships. And
20:31so when I clicked that, it allowed me to
20:34relax and for the first time to fully
20:38let go, to fully let go of the outcome,
20:42to not care when it's going to come,
20:45when things are going to change, to just
20:47fully let go and enjoy where I am. So
20:50the last shift was the most important
20:54one, and honestly, it's the one that
20:56completely changed everything.
20:58Everything before was important, but it
21:02led me here to my final test to the
21:06thing that if I didn't figure out, I
21:08will have to go back in circles until I
21:11learned this lesson. The lesson was that
21:14I stopped waiting for someone to make me
21:17feel okay. And not in a way of
21:19suppressing it and performing calmness
21:22kind of way. Not in a cold, detached, I
21:25don't care kind of way, but in a real
21:27way. took full ownership of how I felt.
21:31I became the person that was responsible
21:34for my own emotional state and nobody
21:37else. And when I did that, I became more
21:41connected to myself than I had ever been
21:44in my life. I became more peaceful, more
21:47certain, and more at ease. And I was
21:50genuinely happy being single. and not in
21:52the performative kind of way that people
21:55post about, but like actually fully
21:58content. I wasn't sitting around waiting
22:01for the love of my life to come into my
22:04life so my life can start. I just
22:08started living it. So this moment of
22:11full responsibility and accountability
22:13taught me one very important thing that
22:16I still use to this day and that thing
22:18is that whenever I want or need
22:22something from someone else I firstly
22:25give that to myself. So for example I
22:29wanted to feel appreciated and respected
22:31by someone then I will go and give that
22:34feeling of appreciation and respect to
22:37myself. And how do you do that? You do
22:39that through genuinely feeling the
22:42feeling of appreciation, having thoughts
22:44and taking actions that reflect that.
22:48And so all of these will reinforce the
22:51identity that I am a person that is
22:54appreciated and that is respected. And
22:56so the most key thing was that I was no
23:00longer desperate and I was no longer at
23:02the mercy of someone else to be given
23:05what I needed because I gave that to
23:07myself. And of course once I was
23:11satiated with that feeling from myself,
23:14it just effortlessly came from others
23:16too. And to this day, whenever I'm in a
23:19mood and I think, "Oh, my boyfriend is
23:21not giving me attention." I immediately
23:24click and I think, "Wait, do I even give
23:26attention to myself first?" Because you
23:29can't ask for something when you do not
23:31even give it to yourself. Whether that
23:34is love, whether that is self-respect,
23:36whether that is self-worth,
23:38appreciation, understanding, adoration,
23:40I don't know whatever it is that you
23:42crave from someone, there is only one
23:45person and one person only that you
23:48should seek it from. And that person is
23:51yourself. If you don't give yourself
23:54first, just don't even bother asking it
23:56from someone else. Because the way the
23:58universe works, the way the reality is,
24:00whatever you want to call it, is that
24:02they are a mirror. The way that you
24:05treat yourself is the way that you're
24:07going to get treated. So, if you're
24:09going to remember one thing from this
24:10video, let it be this. Whatever it is
24:13that you want from someone else, give it
24:16to yourself. And I promise you, no one
24:19can fulfill you and complete you as much
24:22as you can. And that is how it's
24:25supposed to be. And yeah, that's how I
24:27ended up where I am now. Not by finding
24:29that right person, but by becoming that
24:33right person myself. So I went from
24:36falling apart over a text that wasn't
24:39there to dating from a place of genuine
24:41fullness to finally ending up to my
24:45dream relationship. And to be honest, I
24:47didn't think that was possible. I didn't
24:49think that it could happen to me that I
24:53could meet someone who actually will
24:56meet my standard, let alone exceed them.
24:58I didn't think that relationships could
25:01feel so calm, so certain, so easy. And I
25:05definitely didn't think that all of
25:06those things together were even
25:08possible, but they are. And that's
25:10exactly why I'm here, because I know
25:12that if it happened for me, I know that
25:15it can happen to you, too. So, the only
25:18standing between you and this is
25:21understanding what's actually going on
25:24inside of you. And that's exactly what I
25:26intend to keep breaking down on this
25:28channel. So if you are a woman who is
25:31smart, who is self-aware, who is doing
25:34the work, and you still find yourself
25:37completely undone by love, by an
25:40emotionally unavailable partner, by how
25:43you react when things and relationships
25:46don't work out and dating doesn't work
25:49out, you're at the right place because
25:51I'm going to walk you through everything
25:53that I've learned because I was exactly
25:56there. I'm going to teach you all of the
25:58psychology behind it, all of the
26:01patterns, but then how to actually
26:03implement them so you can actually shift
26:07and change things. Not just know things,
26:10but actually embody them. And that will
26:13allow you to finally stop being shaken
26:16by love and you can start choosing it
26:19from a place of strength. So, thank you
26:22for being here and I'll see you on the
26:23next

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