How Your Childhood Influence The Way You Express Love (love styles) — Transcript

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1. 0:00when it comes to relationships everyone
2. 0:02has their own way of showing love
3. 0:04sometimes these behaviors and thought
4. 0:06processes can be negative rather than
5. 0:08positive
6. 0:09[Music]
7. 0:10according to a study children who had a
8. 0:12secure relationship with their parents
9. 0:14growing up tend to have better
10. 0:16interpersonal relationships later on
11. 0:18while children who had more unstable
12. 0:20relationships are more likely to have
13. 0:23unhealthy behaviors and instability in
14. 0:25relationships
15. 0:27dr milan and yurkovich determined that
16. 0:30there are five different love styles
17. 0:32that often are determined by your
18. 0:34childhood
19. 0:35so what does each love style say about
20. 0:37your childhood
21. 0:391. the avoider
22. 0:41people with the avoider type love style
23. 0:43often come off as distant or unengaged
24. 0:46they don't allow themselves to feel
25. 0:48emotions in order to protect themselves
26. 0:50and often feel uncomfortable when other
27. 0:52people around them get emotional
28. 0:55avoiders value their personal space away
29. 0:57from other people
30. 0:59if you have the avoider love style as a
31. 1:01child you may have grown up in a home
32. 1:04that didn't show a lot of affection that
33. 1:06put more focus on being independent and
34. 1:08self-reliant
35. 1:10if you are upset by something you may
36. 1:12not have gotten the comfort you needed
37. 1:14whether it be emotional or physical
38. 1:17maybe at some point you stopped paying
39. 1:20attention to your own feelings and needs
40. 1:22so that you could deal with the stress
41. 1:23and anxiety from having little to no
42. 1:26comfort from your parents or caretakers
43. 1:292. the vacillator
44. 1:32the term vacillate means to alternate or
45. 1:35waver between different opinions or
46. 1:37actions or in other words to be
47. 1:39indecisive
48. 1:41if you have the vacillator type love
49. 1:42style you may tend to idealize new
50. 1:45relationships
51. 1:46however when the other person shows any
52. 1:49trait or behavior that you didn't
53. 1:50imagine you begin to doubt the
54. 1:52relationship and may even consider
55. 1:54ending the relationship altogether
56. 1:57as a child you probably grew up with an
57. 2:00unpredictable parent
58. 2:02maybe they were always finding a reason
59. 2:04to leave home going out often or meeting
60. 2:07new people often
61. 2:08even when you needed them
62. 2:10whatever the case may have been your
63. 2:12needs weren't your parents first
64. 2:14priority
65. 2:16because of this you may have developed a
66. 2:18fear of abandonment due to the fact that
67. 2:20you didn't receive consistent affection
68. 2:22from your parents
69. 2:24as both a child and an adult you also
70. 2:27probably were very sensitive and
71. 2:29perceptive
72. 2:30noticing even the slightest sign that
73. 2:32someone in your life was distancing
74. 2:34themselves
75. 2:373. the controller
76. 2:39if you have the controller love type you
77. 2:41probably feel the need to have control
78. 2:43in a relationship to avoid the
79. 2:45vulnerable negative feelings you
80. 2:47experienced as a child
81. 2:49by being in control you can ensure that
82. 2:52you limit your exposure to feelings like
83. 2:54humiliation fear and helplessness
84. 2:58the one emotion that doesn't make you
85. 2:59feel vulnerable is anger so you may use
86. 3:02anger to express your emotions
87. 3:05you probably have a particular way you
88. 3:07like things done and when those
89. 3:08expectations aren't met you may get
90. 3:10angry or stressed
91. 3:13if you identify as a controller you
92. 3:15probably grew up in a home where there
93. 3:17wasn't a sense of protection
94. 3:19when there was some sort of harm in your
95. 3:21life no one was there to make sure you
96. 3:23were kept safe
97. 3:24you didn't like stepping out of your
98. 3:25comfort zone and did whatever you could
99. 3:28to keep yourself from experiencing
100. 3:30negative feelings
101. 3:32you learned to be emotionally tough and
102. 3:34how to take care of yourself
103. 3:36because if you didn't you were
104. 3:38susceptible to being hurt
105. 3:40four the pleaser
106. 3:43someone with the pleaser love type has
107. 3:44the main focus of making sure others
108. 3:46around them are happy
109. 3:48even if it means sacrificing their own
110. 3:50wants and needs in order to do so
111. 3:52pleasers have a habit of monitoring the
112. 3:54moods of those around them to make sure
113. 3:56they are kept happy
114. 3:58if someone has a negative change in mood
115. 4:00the pleaser may have an internal
116. 4:02struggle with feeling anxious upset or
117. 4:05stressed
118. 4:06if you're a pleaser you don't enjoy or
119. 4:08handle conflict easily
120. 4:10so you may lie or do or say what the
121. 4:13other person wants just to avoid
122. 4:14conflict
123. 4:16it's often hard for a pleaser to say no
124. 4:19as a child you grew up with a parent who
125. 4:21was overly protective angry or critical
126. 4:25they may have had overly high standards
127. 4:27they wanted you to meet and if you
128. 4:29didn't do as well as they wanted you
129. 4:31wouldn't get a positive response from
130. 4:33them
131. 4:34people usually saw you as the good kid
132. 4:37rather than receiving comfort from your
133. 4:39parents you may have actually been
134. 4:40giving them comfort when they were being
135. 4:43reactive or apologizing for things that
136. 4:45were out of your control
137. 4:47because your parents reacted in such
138. 4:49ways you may have done whatever you
139. 4:51could to avoid getting a negative
140. 4:53response from them even if it meant
141. 4:55lying about something
142. 4:57[Music]
143. 4:585. the victim
144. 5:01victims often lack self-worth and more
145. 5:03than likely suffer from depression or
146. 5:05anxiety
147. 5:07rather than living they just tend to go
148. 5:09through the motions
149. 5:11in relationships it's not uncommon for
150. 5:13them to gravitate toward a controller as
151. 5:15they mimic what they experienced in
152. 5:17childhood
153. 5:18victims are used to complying they find
154. 5:21it easier or even comforting to be with
155. 5:23a controller in order to get by as
156. 5:26that's what they're used to
157. 5:28if you have the victim love style you
158. 5:30probably grew up in a chaotic home
159. 5:32you had parents that would be angry or
160. 5:34even violent
161. 5:36learning to be compliant helped keep any
162. 5:38attention off of yourself
163. 5:40did you ever use your imagination to
164. 5:42escape the negativity surrounding you
165. 5:45that's common with victims as being
166. 5:47fully present is too painful for them
167. 5:50these five love styles help us
168. 5:52understand more of the negative way we
169. 5:54react and behave in relationships and
170. 5:57also why we are this way due to our
171. 5:59childhood experiences
172. 6:01did you relate to any of these styles
173. 6:03leave a comment below and let us know if
174. 6:06any of these love styles describe you
175. 6:08and your childhood
176. 6:10if you find this video insightful share
177. 6:12it with someone who would benefit from
178. 6:13it
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182. 6:19thanks for watching and we will see you
183. 6:21soon