How Women Nag Their Way Into Men's Spaces — Transcript

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1. 0:00So, this story really annoys me and I
2. 0:03will try and contain my frustration with
3. 0:06it, but it's one of those things where
4. 0:08it's just so unreasonable and so
5. 0:11selfish, so self-centered that I I'm
6. 0:14honestly probably going to end up
7. 0:16swearing and I'm going to try not to,
8. 0:17but I this just really bothers me. So,
9. 0:20there is a project uh and a series of
10. 0:23local groups called the Men in Sheds and
11. 0:25as they tell us on ageuk.org.uk, UK. Uh,
12. 0:28Men in Sheds is a service run by some
13. 0:30local AUK to support old men who want to
14. 0:33get together, share, and learn new
15. 0:34skills, all in the welcoming space of a
16. 0:36shed. Now, the shed is, of course, not
17. 0:38necessarily a shed. Could be an old
18. 0:40workshop, an office, whatever it is, but
19. 0:42it's a space where men can get together.
20. 0:44And they say, "Look, go find a shed."
21. 0:46And that brings you to this page where,
22. 0:49and you notice that it's all completely
23. 0:51tailored around men, right? It's the
24. 0:53whole point of it is men. And what
25. 0:55they're doing, if I can uh show you, is
26. 0:58building stuff together, right? So, they
27. 1:00get around and they're just building
28. 1:01things. It's just men doing wholesome
29. 1:04men things, manly things. Just older
30. 1:06guys who clearly are either married or
31. 1:08divorced or widowed maybe. And they just
32. 1:11they don't want to be lonely. And so,
33. 1:13they get together on like whatever night
34. 1:14of the week it is or the weekend or
35. 1:16whatever. And they they're just making
36. 1:18stuff, right? And this is really
37. 1:20meaningful to them. And so, you know,
38. 1:22they end up making a birdhouse in this
39. 1:25case and stuff like this. And this this,
40. 1:28I think, is just totally necessary, a
41. 1:31space for men to just be men and not
42. 1:34have to worry about judgments or gender
43. 1:36politics or and that just means being
44. 1:40around members of the opposite sex. Uh,
45. 1:43not worry about like, you know,
46. 1:46anything outside of this. just come to
47. 1:51this particular little community and do
48. 1:53a thing. So, you're working with your
49. 1:54hands, you're constantly physical,
50. 1:56you're building something, so you're
51. 1:57being constructive. This is a really
52. 1:59nice outlet in in order to just spend
53. 2:02your time and spend your energy uh being
54. 2:04among some mates and make some friends
55. 2:06in the process. And so, you can go to
56. 2:08men'ssheds.org.uk
57. 2:10UK. And if you're a chap who finds
58. 2:13himself in this age bracket and this
59. 2:15sounds appealing to you, I fully endorse
60. 2:17you getting involved because of course
61. 2:19it's not like I said a shed, but they're
62. 2:21all over the country and that's a that's
63. 2:23great. This is something that I only
64. 2:25learned about the other day because of a
65. 2:28BBC article, which we'll talk about in a
66. 2:30minute. So all over the country, men
67. 2:32have been getting together and been
68. 2:32like, "Yeah, so we've got the quote
69. 2:34unquote shed and we're just going to do
70. 2:36we're just going to build things in it.
71. 2:37It's going to be great fun. spend a bit
72. 2:39of time together, hanging out, chatting,
73. 2:41shooting the breeze, and uh you know,
74. 2:43you'll be able to find your regional
75. 2:44shed networks where we do just just
76. 2:47build stuff. I mean, doing woodworking
77. 2:49as a hobby with your mates on like a
78. 2:52Friday night or something. I mean, that
79. 2:54sounds fun, right? That sounds genuinely
80. 2:56appealing to me. If I didn't have
81. 2:59wargaming, this is what I would do. This
82. 3:02sounds like a brilliant idea. And you
83. 3:05can understand that there are there are
84. 3:07there is a reason that there are women
85. 3:09only spaces. And I fully support women
86. 3:12only spaces. And I fully support the
87. 3:14Supreme Court's decision to say that no
88. 3:16actually trans women are in fact male
89. 3:18and therefore may not go in women only
90. 3:20spaces because women are adult human
91. 3:21females. And so okay, yeah, that's fine.
92. 3:24So women who are adult human females get
93. 3:28to have spaces away from adult human
94. 3:31males where they get to curate it. They
95. 3:33get to create the atmosphere of it. They
96. 3:35get to decide the tone and tanner of it.
97. 3:37And they get to enjoy it in a way that
98. 3:39is
99. 3:40non-judgmental from a woman's point of
100. 3:42view. And that's what these sheds I
101. 3:45really think they are for men. And so I
102. 3:47I just hate to see this. We put the
103. 3:50pressure on to join men in
104. 3:53sheds. Why? Why did you do this? Why
105. 3:57couldn't you just let them have their
106. 3:59thing? Why couldn't you just let them
107. 4:01have their goddamn thing? That is such a
108. 4:04profoundly selfish thing. Brenda here
109. 4:07said, "A lot of women put the pressure
110. 4:09on to join men in sheds." Well, the
111. 4:11answer should have just been no. The
112. 4:12answer should have been flat no. And it
113. 4:14was for a long time. We'll go through
114. 4:15this. It started out as a gathering to
115. 4:18reduce loneliness and combat social
116. 4:20isolation amongst elderly men. Yeah.
117. 4:22It's a man's space for men built by men.
118. 4:25And suddenly, can we come in, please?
119. 4:28No, you can't come in. Now, there are
120. 4:30more than a thousand men in sheds
121. 4:32projects running across the country
122. 4:33where members get men get together, talk
123. 4:35and learn new skills. But while they are
124. 4:37aimed many, sorry, many are aimed
125. 4:39exclusively at men. One group in
126. 4:41Lothborough, Leicester has taken the
127. 4:43decision to admit women and members
128. 4:46wives. Member Brenda Needam said, I kept
129. 4:49asking my husband all the while, why
130. 4:51can't we join? And the answer is, of
131. 4:53course, because you're a woman and it's
132. 4:55called the men in sheds. It is a space
133. 4:57for men. And instead of going, "Yeah,
134. 4:59you know what? When you're doing that on
135. 5:01Thursday or whatever, I'm going to get a
136. 5:02hobby of my own and do a hobby for
137. 5:05myself," you like, "hm, how can I barge
138. 5:07in on my husband's thing? I'm sure that
139. 5:09he doesn't get enough of me all day,
140. 5:11every day, cuz these people look like
141. 5:13retirees. Let's be honest. I'm sure he
142. 5:15doesn't get enough of my company when
143. 5:17he's going to hang out with the men in
144. 5:19sheds. I need to be there as well." And
145. 5:21this is just so goddamn selfish because
146. 5:23if you really wanted to do woodworking,
147. 5:26well, why don't you set up a women in
148. 5:27sheds thing? Why don't you just do it on
149. 5:29your own? No, you have to be invading
150. 5:31their space. That's the point of this.
151. 5:34Invading someone else's space because
152. 5:37you were defined as not being allowed
153. 5:39into it. So, you've just No, no, no.
154. 5:40Come on, let us in. Let us in. Let us
155. 5:42in. No. Really annoys me. Really,
156. 5:45really. I am trying to keep my calm,
157. 5:47right? The 74y old again. She's got
158. 5:49nothing to do all day. She's got nothing
159. 5:51to do all day. Right. The men were like,
160. 5:54"Yeah, no. We've set this thing up. Go
161. 5:55and set your own thing up." Like, there
162. 5:58was no way before he started doing this,
163. 6:00you were interested in woodworking,
164. 6:02right? I'm absolutely certain that's
165. 6:04going to be the case. And it's just that
166. 6:05you saw him doing it, you're like,
167. 6:06"Okay, well, I'm going to go along and
168. 6:07do it cuz I'm bored at home on my own."
169. 6:09No, get a get a hobby. Go join a
170. 6:11knitting circle, whatever it is. But
171. 6:13anyway, she says, "Eventually, they just
172. 6:15let us in. Just one morning. Eventually,
173. 6:17it became all the time and now it's 50%
174. 6:19women and we absolutely love it. So,
175. 6:20don't give them an inch is what she's
176. 6:22saying. They let them in one morning,
177. 6:23then it became all the time and now half
178. 6:26of the club is women. Brilliant. I'm
179. 6:28glad they absolutely love it. But notice
180. 6:31for ages she kept asking, "Why can't we
181. 6:33join?" And the husband was like, "No,
182. 6:34it's for men. No, it's for men. No, it's
183. 6:35for men." Eventually, they just
184. 6:37capitulated. Eventually, they're like,
185. 6:38"Yeah, okay, fine." You nagged your way
186. 6:40in. You nagged your way into a space
187. 6:42that you weren't welcome in. and for
188. 6:45some reason you didn't take this as like
189. 6:48a a form of a hint like I if if I asked
190. 6:52to join a space whatever the space is
191. 6:54and they're like no sorry you don't fit
192. 6:55the criteria for this space right if I
193. 6:57was like look I really want to join like
194. 6:59I don't know some women's knitting
195. 7:01circle or whatever or reading group and
196. 7:03they were like sorry this is for women
197. 7:04only I wouldn't start nagging my wife
198. 7:07was going I'll be like look why can't I
199. 7:08come because you're a man this is for
200. 7:10women and I wouldn't keep nagging until
201. 7:12eventually they just let me in for one
202. 7:14morning and then all the time until half
203. 7:16the group was male. I'm like, I think we
204. 7:19may have taken over here, guys. And it
205. 7:22seems that the women probably aren't
206. 7:23getting what out of this what they were
207. 7:24getting originally because whenever any
208. 7:26Oh, and again, it takes a single man or
209. 7:28a single woman to be added to a male or
210. 7:30female space to change the dynamic
211. 7:31entirely. So, anyway, the group which
212. 7:34has been renamed men and women in sheds,
213. 7:36why didn't you set one up? You could
214. 7:38have set that up it separately and I'm
215. 7:40sure that people would have gone to it.
216. 7:41Now, has 80 paid up members. It allows
217. 7:43them to learn new skills such as
218. 7:44repairing and refurbishing furniture and
219. 7:46other household items. Then the group
220. 7:48then sells them with £800 being made at
221. 7:50recent farmers and crafts market. That's
222. 7:52very good. Karen says joining the group
223. 7:55has helped improve her mental health and
224. 7:57she was never interested in what was
225. 7:58seen as traditional female skills. Okay,
226. 8:00but you could have set up your own
227. 8:02women's version of this. Not everyone
228. 8:04likes sewing and baking. That's true.
229. 8:07But the men wanted a space away from
230. 8:09you. She says, "I think the men were
231. 8:11maybe a little concerned at the
232. 8:12beginning because they came here to get
233. 8:14away from their wives and were worried
234. 8:16that we were going to take over, but we
235. 8:18haven't done that. We work well
236. 8:19together." No, it sounds like you've
237. 8:21taken over and they're just too polite
238. 8:23to tell you. They wanted to get away
239. 8:27from their wives as you said. And the
240. 8:29wives
241. 8:30like, "Let me in, let me in. Let me in."
242. 8:33No, absolutely not. And the funny thing
243. 8:36is the men are just the very nice
244. 8:40chaps look look of quiet desperation in
245. 8:44their eyes. When the women were allowed
246. 8:46into the workshop members decided to
247. 8:48keep a quiet room with a model railway
248. 8:50display in it just for men. And this is
249. 8:54the part that shows me that the women
250. 8:56actually were not welcome and they nag
251. 8:58their way in which is a kind of form of
252. 9:00social bullying to a man of a certain
253. 9:02age. a man who is a lot more chivalous
254. 9:04than I am, I imagine. And they still
255. 9:08have to keep a quiet room just for men.
256. 9:10So when they're like, "Okay, no, I I
257. 9:13just want some time away from women. I
258. 9:16can go to the model railway room." Until
259. 9:21suddenly, let me in. Let me in. Let me
260. 9:23in. Let me in. No, you have to say no.
261. 9:26You have to be bold and have boundaries.
262. 9:29Andrew says, "Admitt." He admitted.
263. 9:31Andrew 70 admitted there was initial
264. 9:34initially some resistance to becoming a
265. 9:35mixed group. There was apprehension but
266. 9:37in all honesty it turned out well. Why'
267. 9:39you need the separate quiet room just
268. 9:40for men then? If it turned out so great
269. 9:43all you've done is conceded your own
270. 9:44space and had to remake another smaller
271. 9:47space away from the women cuz really
272. 9:48that's what you're after. And I'm not
273. 9:50saying as he says here it's a lovely
274. 9:52atmosphere. Of course, men and women's
275. 9:54shared spaces are can also be lovely,
276. 9:58obviously, right? When you go to a pub,
277. 10:00men and women are there. It's a lovely
278. 10:01space. Everyone likes being there. But
279. 10:04we, the men, escape now again to the
280. 10:06quiet room and have a chat and weigh
281. 10:07things up. Isn't that
282. 10:10fascinating? We, the men, escape now and
283. 10:14again to the quiet room to have a chat.
284. 10:16We want to have a conversation that
285. 10:19doesn't involve a woman's input. And why
286. 10:22shouldn't they be entitled to it? But
287. 10:23again, they've been hected out of the
288. 10:25men's clubs. They've been hecked out of
289. 10:28any single sex political sphere of life.
290. 10:31And now they set up their own little
291. 10:32clubs so men of like mind can go and
292. 10:35hang out and do woodwork or whatever.
293. 10:36And even there the women have arrived.
294. 10:38And so now they've got they've got the
295. 10:40train room. And it's like no guys, you
296. 10:43and this is just the Lester group just
297. 10:45to be clear. But guys, I'm sorry. If
298. 10:48they want a mixed sex uh shed group,
299. 10:52then set that up and then set up the
300. 10:54men's group and see what happens. But
301. 10:56like I said, gentlemen of a certain age,
302. 10:59from a certain era, are far more
303. 11:00chivalous than I am. I would be a lot
304. 11:02more hard on the boundaries on this. I
305. 11:04would just say no flat out. It would be
306. 11:07absolutely not. Tony Donovan, the
307. 11:09executive director of the Leicester,
308. 11:11Shia, and Rutland, Rutland one, says,
309. 11:14"Everyone has a story to tell about what
310. 11:15life was like before they came here, and
311. 11:17in many cases, it wasn't great. It's a
312. 11:18brilliant, brilliant project, and we're
313. 11:19incredibly proud of it." And I agree
314. 11:21that the men in shed's product is a
315. 11:23really brilliant thing. It's a I'm
316. 11:24really glad to see something like this,
317. 11:27but I really I hate to see these guys
318. 11:30just getting henpecked and henpecked and
319. 11:32henpecked further and further back.
320. 11:34Look, we just sometimes we have to
321. 11:36escape to the train room to get away
322. 11:39from our wives, to get away from the
323. 11:41other women that have been let into the
324. 11:42group, which is why we set up these
325. 11:44groups in the first place. It's just
326. 11:45like, man, I I just I just think that's
327. 11:49very frustrating. I think it's deeply
328. 11:52deeply selfish on the part of the women
329. 11:54to have badgered their way in, henpecked
330. 11:57their way in, and not given any
331. 12:00consideration to the men who set these
332. 12:01groups up. That's what really annoys me
333. 12:03the most about this. You don't deserve
334. 12:06to be in it. You You literally nagged
335. 12:08them into allowing you to have to join
336. 12:12their club. And now they have to quote
337. 12:14unquote escape from you to another tiny
338. 12:17little model railway room so they can
339. 12:19have a conversation between men that
340. 12:22you're not privy Okay.