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how to VALIDATE YOURSELF | stop seeking external validation, grow your self worth and level up! — Transcript

by Cherrelle Nichole · 2,639 words · 395 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00The way that you see yourself can
0:01definitely affect what you go after,
0:03what you believe you can do, and how
0:04quickly you let other people's opinions
0:06change your mind. So, hey, hello,
0:08welcome or welcome back to the channel.
0:09If you're new here, my name is Sherell,
0:11and on this channel we're all about
0:12identity-based personal development. And
0:14in today's video, we're going to use the
0:16lens of Elle Woods to look at why you
0:18might not believe in yourself until
0:20people believe in you first. So, if
0:22you're tired of needing other people to
0:24make you feel good about yourself and
0:26the choices that you make, take a second
0:28to subscribe and let's get straight into
0:29the video. Before we can change how
0:32in ourselves, we have to look at how we
0:33learned to see ourselves in the first
0:35place. Self-concept is what you believe
0:37about yourself, your abilities, your
0:38personality, and how you see yourself in
0:40different situations. Your self-esteem
0:43is how positively or negatively you feel
0:45about yourself based on those beliefs.
0:47Those two things can look very
0:49different. You can feel good about
0:50yourself overall and still believe that
0:52you're not smart enough to succeed,
0:54disciplined enough to stick to your
0:56goals, or serious enough to go after the
0:58life that you desire. You can see this
1:00play out in the movie Legally Blonde.
1:02And hopefully you've seen this movie for
1:03this to make sense. After Warner tells
1:05Elle that she isn't serious enough for
1:07the future that he wants from himself,
1:09she decides to get into Harvard Law and
1:11prove him wrong. But once she gets
1:13there, she's still being underestimated
1:15because of how she looks and because of
1:16the things that she likes. And this is
1:18basically how Elle's story connects back
1:20to the point of this video. When other
1:22people's opinions start shaping how you
1:24see yourself, you can start looking
1:25outside of yourself to determine if
1:27you're actually good enough for the life
1:29that you desire. So, at first,
1:30validation can seem pretty simple. You
1:33want other people to tell you that
1:35you're doing well. So, you look for
1:36approval, attention, or reassurance. And
1:39their reaction gives you some idea of if
1:42you're on the right track. But the
1:43problem starts when you rely on those
1:45reactions to decide how you feel about
1:47yourself. If someone approves of you,
1:49then you feel good. But if they don't,
1:51then you start questioning yourself. And
1:52the problem with this is the more
1:54important their reaction becomes, the
1:56harder it can be to trust your own
1:58judgment. In Legally Blonde, Elle
2:00reaches a point where she wants people
2:02who underestimated her to realize that
2:04they were wrong. Their opinion is a part
2:06of why she's pushing herself so hard.
2:09She wants them to see and to believe
2:11that she truly does belong at Harvard.
2:12But as she really begins to lock in with
2:14the process of becoming the kind of
2:16person who can succeed at Harvard
2:18without changing the true essence of
2:19herself, their reaction becomes less
2:21important. She starts understanding what
2:23she can do because she's the one doing
2:26it. What we see is that her focus shifts
2:27from I'm going to prove them wrong to
2:29this is what I want for myself. So what
2:31I want you to do is to take a second and
2:33ask yourself, are you pursuing something
2:34because you actually want it or are you
2:36pursuing it because you want someone
2:38else to finally see you differently?
2:40Once you stop using someone else's
2:42reaction to measure yourself, you'll
2:44have more room to question the limits
2:46that you've placed on who it is that you
2:48can become. The way that you see
2:49yourself can put limits on what you
2:51expect from yourself. So if you think of
2:53yourself as someone who isn't
2:55disciplined, isn't confident, or isn't
2:56good in certain situations, then that
2:58view can definitely influence what you
3:00expect yourself to do. You may not even
3:02question those assumptions because they
3:04have become a part of how you describe
3:06yourself. So changing your self-concept
3:08doesn't mean pretending that you're
3:09already something that you're not. It
3:11means that your understanding of
3:13yourself can expand as you develop new
3:15abilities and new behaviors. So Elle
3:17doesn't have to stop being feminine,
3:19fashionable, or social to take her
3:21academics more serious. So as her story
3:24unfolds, we see that she can keep the
3:26parts of herself that she loves and
3:27values while developing new qualities
3:30and becoming a more well-rounded version
3:32of herself. She becomes more disciplined
3:34and more academically serious without
3:36deciding that person that she was before
3:39was the problem. And this is really
3:40important because changing your
3:42self-concept doesn't necessarily mean
3:44replacing one identity with another. It
3:46means realizing that one part of who you
3:48are doesn't have to define what else you
3:50can become. And once idea becomes less
3:53restrictive, it can start changing the
3:55choices you make in your everyday
3:57situations. And how you see yourself
3:59really does affect what you're willing
4:00to do. It can change how much effort you
4:02put into something, how you respond when
4:04things get difficult, and which
4:06opportunities you even consider. So, if
4:08you believe that something isn't for
4:10you, you're more likely to hold yourself
4:12back before you even give yourself the
4:13chance to see what you are capable of.
4:15And those choices can definitely
4:17reinforce the way that you already see
4:18yourself. So, Elle Woods shows us
4:20clearly once her academic success
4:22becomes really important to her. She
4:24changes how she uses her time. And this
4:26is really important when we talk about
4:27building a routine around the person
4:29that you want to become. So, studying
4:31for her isn't something that she only
4:33does during a set hour. She studies
4:35while exercising, while getting her hair
4:38done, and whenever she can really fit it
4:40in. And at the same time, she doesn't
4:42put the rest of her life on hold to
4:43become academically serious. She finds
4:46ways to make the goal fit into the life
4:48that she already has. The important
4:50lesson here is that growth doesn't
4:52require you to reject parts of yourself
4:54that you already like. You can become
4:56more disciplined without neglecting
4:57yourself care. You can become more
4:59ambitious without becoming someone that
5:01you don't recognize or someone that you
5:03don't even like. And you can become more
5:05serious about your goals without losing
5:07the very things that make you you. A lot
5:09of the time, we carry an old version of
5:12ourselves into new situations without
5:14questioning it. We might think, "I've
5:15never been disciplined." And that turns
5:17into, "I am just not a disciplined
5:18person." Or you've avoided doing
5:20something before and decide, "I'm just
5:23not someone who can do that." But if you
5:25truly want change for yourself, you have
5:26to separate who you've been from what it
5:29is that you want to become. And that's
5:30where deciding who you want to be comes
5:33in. So, instead of letting your past
5:35behavior make the decision for you, you
5:37can decide which qualities you actually
5:39want to develop. And Elle gives us a
5:41great example of why deciding who you
5:43want to be has to go deeper than proving
5:45something to someone. So, getting into
5:47Harvard didn't automatically make her
5:49more serious. She had to become a
5:50serious student. She had to change how
5:52she uses her time. She had to put in the
5:54work and develop the discipline that
5:56Harvard required. And that's really
5:58important for you as well. If the only
6:00reason why you want change is to prove
6:02someone wrong, their opinion is still
6:04controlling the direction that you're
6:05going. Instead, ask yourself, "What
6:07qualities do I actually want to develop,
6:09even if no one else claps for me or
6:11approves?" That's going to give you
6:13something to work towards that isn't
6:15dependent on someone else's approval.
6:16Once you've decided what you want to
6:18develop, it helps to look at the
6:19different parts of who you are instead
6:21of letting one label define all of you.
6:23You can care about your appearance and
6:25still take your career seriously. You
6:27can enjoy having fun and still hold
6:29yourself to high [music] standards. Elle
6:31gives us a great example of how this
6:32works. So, people see her interests in
6:34beauty and fashion and assume that that
6:36tells them everything that they need to
6:38know about her. But, during Brooke's
6:40case, those interests become relevant in
6:42a way that no one expected. So, Elle
6:44knows that getting a perm wet too soon
6:46can ruin it. So, when the daughter says
6:48she came home and took a shower and
6:50washed her hair after getting a perm,
6:52Elle realizes something about her story
6:54that just doesn't add up. Her interest
6:56and knowledge in beauty, something that
6:58people dismiss as superficial, became
7:00the very thing that helped Elle win the
7:02case. And you can use this same idea
7:04when you are defining yourself. Instead
7:06of focusing so much on the person that
7:08you are, look at what you already bring
7:10to the table. What parts of yourself do
7:12you want to keep? What parts of yourself
7:13do you want to develop or add to? And
7:15what parts of you can you stop treating
7:17as a contradiction? You don't have to
7:19decide that one part of you cancels out
7:21another. You can build on what's already
7:23there. So, your confidence grows
7:25stronger when you have the experiences
7:27where you actually handle something
7:28difficult. You try something, you figure
7:30out what works for you, and that
7:31experience gives you more reason to
7:33trust yourself the next time. [music]
7:34And Elle gets an early opportunity to
7:36build that kind of confidence with her
7:38friend Paulette. So, Paulette is afraid
7:40to confront her ex about keeping her dog
7:42Rufus, and Elle steps in to use that
7:44legal knowledge that she's been learning
7:46to help her out. So, yeah, she's still a
7:47law student, she doesn't know
7:49everything, but she takes what she knows
7:51and she actually applies it. And that
7:52experience shows Elle that what she's
7:54learning can definitely help her in
7:56situations outside of the classroom. And
7:59you can do the same for yourself.
8:00Instead of waiting until you feel
8:01confident, give yourself small
8:03opportunities to practice the qualities
8:05that you want to develop. If you want to
8:06trust yourself more, make a decision and
8:08act on it. If you want to become more
8:10disciplined, set one goal for the day
8:12and make sure that you actually complete
8:14it. Then pay attention to how you feel
8:16after you've done what you said you were
8:17going to do. That's how you build trust
8:19in yourself instead of waiting for
8:21someone else to tell you what you can
8:23do. All right, so this next part is
8:24really important because from my
8:26experience, no matter how much work
8:28you've done to detach from the need of
8:30other people's approval, this is
8:32something that's probably going to
8:33continue to challenge you. So, you might
8:35hide parts of yourself, you might change
8:37how you present yourself, or you might
8:39avoid doing something because you're
8:40already thinking about how other people
8:42will react. The problem is when their
8:44reaction starts changing the way that
8:46you see yourself. So, psychologists have
8:48a term for this and it's called
8:50self-verification. Once you have a
8:51certain idea about yourself, feedback
8:54that supports it can feel like
8:56confirmation that you were right all
8:57along. [music] And that's what happens
8:59to Elle after her professor hits on her.
9:01So, of course, she rejects him and then
9:02she starts questioning everything that
9:04she's accomplished while at Harvard. So,
9:06she goes to the salon and she tells
9:08Paulette that people will only see her
9:09as a blonde with big boobs and that no
9:11one will ever take her seriously. This
9:13one experience brings an old insecurity
9:15back to surface and suddenly Elle is
9:17questioning the future that she's been
9:19working so hard for. And this is where
9:21you have to learn how to separate what
9:23someone thinks about you from what you
9:25know you're working hard toward. You're
9:27going to be misunderstood. Someone is
9:29going to underestimate you. They're
9:30going to criticize you or decide that
9:32you're not worthy of something. None of
9:34that has to stop you from continuing to
9:36build the qualities that you want for
9:37yourself. So, when someone's perception
9:40gets to you, bring the attention back to
9:41yourself. Focus on what did you actually
9:44accomplish through this season of
9:45becoming? Because you cannot control how
9:47people perceive you, you can only
9:49control how much their perception
9:51influences what you do next. As you
9:53continue your journey to becoming the
9:55best version of yourself, you're going
9:56to feel rejected, embarrassed, [music]
9:58frustrated, or even disappointed.
10:00Failing at something doesn't
10:01automatically mean that you're
10:02incapable. Having a hard time with
10:04something doesn't mean that you can't do
10:06it. And someone rejecting you doesn't
10:08mean that nobody wants you. It just
10:10means that a particular situation didn't
10:12go the way that you wanted it to go. You
10:14can be disappointed and still deal with
10:16what actually happened instead of
10:18turning it into a judgment about
10:19yourself. And that's the skill that I
10:21want you to practice. When something
10:23goes wrong, separate the event from the
10:25conclusion that you're making about
10:26yourself. Ask yourself, what actually
10:28happened? What part of this needs my
10:30attention? And what can I do differently
10:32next time? If you did something poorly,
10:34work on the parts that you need to
10:35improve. If you made a mistake, just
10:37correct it. But whatever it is, don't
10:39turn that one experience into a
10:41definition of who you are. And this is
10:43what true mental control is. It's not
10:45controlling what happens so that you can
10:47keep deciding on what to do next. As
10:49your self-concept changes, that starts
10:51to shift. You still care about what
10:53people think, but you don't need their
10:54approval to feel sure about every
10:56decision that you make. Someone can
10:58disagree with you without making you
11:00think that you've made the wrong choice.
11:01Someone can underestimate you without
11:04making you lower your expectations of
11:05yourself. You're still going to have
11:07moments where criticism gets to you. The
11:09difference is that you have your own
11:11standards [music] to come back to. You
11:12know what you're working towards, what
11:14matters to you, and what kind of person
11:16you want to become. That's what you can
11:18expect to change. Other people's
11:20reactions stop caring so much weight
11:22because you're no longer using them to
11:24decide who you are. So, the bottom line
11:25is you have to stop handing other people
11:27the power to decide how you feel about
11:29yourself. And that's going to take
11:31practice. Some days you'll make choices
11:33that you're proud of, and other days,
11:35you may feel like you're falling back
11:36into old habits. What matters is that
11:38you keep coming back to yourself,
11:40[music] and you keep doing the work.
11:41Eventually, you'll reach a point where
11:43you can look at your life and see how
11:45much you have changed. You understand
11:47yourself better, you trust yourself
11:49more, you're no longer waiting for
11:51someone else to tell you that you're
11:52enough. You'll realize that all the days
11:55that you've spent learning, growing,
11:57struggling, starting over, and choosing
11:59yourself were actually taking you
12:00somewhere. And when you finally get
12:02there, you finally become the woman that
12:03you desire to be, you'll understand why
12:06it was all worth the wait. So, thank you
12:07so much for watching this video. I
12:09really hope that you guys found it
12:10helpful. If you did, be sure to like,
12:12comment, and subscribe, and I will catch
12:14you in my next upload.

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