How to ungaslight kids — Transcript

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1. 0:06how many of you have watched a child get
2. 0:09gaslighted
3. 0:11right in front of you
4. 0:13and not known what to
5. 0:14do let's talk a little bit about that
6. 0:17and let's talk about how we un-gaslight
7. 0:19children
8. 0:20if you're new to this channel i'm dr
9. 0:22romini and this is youtube channel where
10. 0:24we talk about narcissism
11. 0:26if you're new please subscribe i would
12. 0:28love to have you be part of this
13. 0:29community and if you do like this video
14. 0:31please give it a thumbs up by doing that
15. 0:33you actually help other people get told
16. 0:35about these videos and this particular
17. 0:37topic actually could be one that's
18. 0:38useful for a lot of people to hear about
19. 0:41so let's talk about it how do we
20. 0:43un-gaslight children
21. 0:45this issue of gaslighted children
22. 0:49is an issue that many people in
23. 0:52narcissistic and antagonistic
24. 0:54co-parenting situations have asked me
25. 0:57about and people who have nieces
26. 1:00nephews grandchildren children of
27. 1:03friends or acquaintances any children
28. 1:05that they care about and that they are
29. 1:08witnessing being gaslighted
30. 1:11first
31. 1:12if you were gaslighted as a child it can
32. 1:15be even more upsetting to see a child be
33. 1:19gaslighted when you are an adult because
34. 1:22you know what it felt like
35. 1:24and this is particularly pronounced if
36. 1:26it's a child you really care about and
37. 1:29really profoundly if it is your own
38. 1:31child and perhaps the gaslighting is
39. 1:34happening from a narcissistic co-parent
40. 1:37secondly our systems are terrible at
41. 1:40protecting gaslighted children things
42. 1:42like authoritarian structures
43. 1:45telling children to accept stuff at face
44. 1:47value family systems that protect
45. 1:49abusers instead of children and often
46. 1:52feeling that we have to protect the
47. 1:54image
48. 1:55of manipulative adults to children even
49. 1:57when the adults are behaving like
50. 1:59a-holes
51. 2:01children's attachment needs mean that
52. 2:04they will never feel emboldened to be
53. 2:07able to call out gaslighting and
54. 2:09honestly why would a child even
55. 2:10understand what gaslighting is most
56. 2:12adults don't get it
57. 2:13their baseline is trump's assumption the
58. 2:15child's baseline assumption is that they
59. 2:17can trust the adults around them
60. 2:19especially parents mostly because they
61. 2:21have to children need attachments to
62. 2:24survive and to be safe in the world so
63. 2:26if they roll up and believe that the
64. 2:29caregiving adults around them are not
65. 2:31safe or do not have their best interests
66. 2:34in mind that really leaves the child in
67. 2:37a perilous space and that is where the
68. 2:40trauma bonds and justifications begin
69. 2:43the child becomes an expert rationalizer
70. 2:47mommy's just mad she doesn't mean it
71. 2:49daddy's just working hard really they
72. 2:51didn't mean it maybe it's my fault or
73. 2:53maybe it's my baby brother's fault for
74. 2:55crying so much and frankly all of that
75. 2:58makes me sick the idea of a child
76. 3:01blaming themselves for a parent or
77. 3:04caregivers narcissistic and manipulative
78. 3:06behavior because too often that child
79. 3:10will grow up into an adult that will
80. 3:12continue to blame themselves and keep
81. 3:15justifying you know the drill now the
82. 3:18gas siding of children can really happen
83. 3:20in two ways
84. 3:22the child themselves being gaslighted
85. 3:25for example an adult telling the child
86. 3:27that things didn't happen that clearly
87. 3:29did happen or telling the child that
88. 3:32their feelings are wrong or literally
89. 3:35contradicting the facts about school or
90. 3:37peers
91. 3:38the parents may deny their abuse i
92. 3:40didn't hit you or they may even tell a
93. 3:42child to lie don't tell the doctor or
94. 3:44the teacher or any other parent or
95. 3:46family member what happened
96. 3:48and this can draw the child into a sort
97. 3:50of collusion around the gaslighting and
98. 3:53abuse that obviously they don't want the
99. 3:55other form is when other adults call the
100. 3:58gaslighter out so another adult may
101. 4:00witness deceitful behavior or abuse
102. 4:03towards the children and call the
103. 4:05gaslighter out hey i saw you yelling at
104. 4:08the children that's not okay
105. 4:10and the gaslighter saying something like
106. 4:12i wasn't yelling mind your own business
107. 4:15denying that the abusive behavior is
108. 4:17even happening
109. 4:19that means that the gaslighter may
110. 4:21shroud their behavior even more
111. 4:24isolate the child from the person who is
112. 4:26calling them out and that can result in
113. 4:29the child having less support
114. 4:32we know that being gaslighted has
115. 4:35numerous downstream impacts for children
116. 4:38can mean that the child doesn't trust
117. 4:40their own instincts they may become
118. 4:42isolated they may endure an escalation
119. 4:46of abuse become anxious have behavioral
120. 4:49issues in school become distracted
121. 4:52and they will often blame themselves and
122. 4:55doubt themselves the child will which is
123. 4:58what the gaslighting adult wants from
124. 5:00everyone child and adult
125. 5:01and then it's likely though those
126. 5:04patterns will get continued into
127. 5:05adolescence or adulthood making the
128. 5:07child more vulnerable ultimately to
129. 5:10entering into gaslighted relationships
130. 5:12and toxic relationships in adulthood
131. 5:15now siblings can be gaslighting too a
132. 5:18sibling maybe may do something and blame
133. 5:21it on another sibling and especially if
134. 5:24the parent is overly aligned with the
135. 5:27gaslighting sibling or the guest
136. 5:28lighting sibling is clever
137. 5:30and then scolds the child who didn't do
138. 5:33the bad behavior and this is something
139. 5:34we often see in scapegoated dynamics as
140. 5:36well
141. 5:37obviously this can be a confusing
142. 5:39frustrating and quite harmful dynamic
143. 5:42for a child
144. 5:44the challenge is that we are not going
145. 5:48to be likely to stop the gaslighted
146. 5:50behavior by the adults in a child's life
147. 5:53and you know why that is these
148. 5:54personalities don't change
149. 5:56but the question may be how can we
150. 5:58support and at least make a good faith
151. 6:00effort
152. 6:01at on gaslighting children
153. 6:04well number one never gaslight a child
154. 6:06ourselves right if a child says
155. 6:08something happened hold space for that
156. 6:11and hear their experience don't doubt
157. 6:13them
158. 6:14initially you have to give space to the
159. 6:17child's experience as plausible and let
160. 6:19them talk it through believe them
161. 6:22this is particularly important with
162. 6:24feelings
163. 6:25never tell a child that they shouldn't
164. 6:27feel a certain way a child feels the way
165. 6:30they feel
166. 6:31number two if you see it happen you do
167. 6:34not need to go up to the child and say
168. 6:36hey
169. 6:37kiddo you were just gaslighted the kid's
170. 6:39not going to know what you were talking
171. 6:40about
172. 6:41instead if you see it happen say hey you
173. 6:45okay
174. 6:46i want to know i just i want to let you
175. 6:47know i saw that or just checking in
176. 6:49whatever it is that's being denied you
177. 6:51can say i i just want you to know that i
178. 6:53just saw you were yelled at i just want
179. 6:55to see if you're okay and ask if you can
180. 6:56be helpful to them
181. 6:58this is also useful if you see them
182. 7:00being blamed by a sibling for something
183. 7:03they didn't do and the parent believes
184. 7:06the lying sibling
185. 7:07even as adults we know that even having
186. 7:10just one person un-gaslight us can be a
187. 7:12game changer and leave us more confident
188. 7:15in our judgments and instincts i do
189. 7:17remember hearing about a child who's
190. 7:19being chronically gaslighted it was very
191. 7:22clear what was happening in that
192. 7:23situation and honestly all that child
193. 7:26needed was one person to let her know
194. 7:28hey i see what's happening here and
195. 7:30sometimes adults just aren't able to see
196. 7:32things clearly but what you're seeing
197. 7:35and what you're thinking
198. 7:37all that stuff it seems right on point
199. 7:39adults aren't always right anything like
200. 7:42that would have gone a long way for that
201. 7:44little girl
202. 7:45you don't have to say things like the
203. 7:46gaslighter is a bad person or even call
204. 7:48them out
205. 7:50you merely need to confirm the child's
206. 7:52reality and say i see you
207. 7:55number three check in with the children
208. 7:57in your world regularly and ask them how
209. 7:59they are feeling
210. 8:00and let them answer and talk to them
211. 8:03about it with younger children you may
212. 8:06be able to pull this out in other
213. 8:08modalities for example through play art
214. 8:11music dance or other forms of expression
215. 8:14for their feelings
216. 8:16instead of just
217. 8:17asking them how they're feeling
218. 8:19gaslighted children are often
219. 8:21deprogrammed of their ability to express
220. 8:24their feelings so having those safe
221. 8:27spaces to express feelings can go a long
222. 8:29way
223. 8:30number four consider confronting the
224. 8:33gaslighter when the children are not
225. 8:34around but be very careful with this
226. 8:37now remember that concept of true north
227. 8:39i've talked about that there's no point
228. 8:42in calling out a narcissist unless
229. 8:44something is worth the fight
230. 8:46i think quite often children are worth
231. 8:48the fight so you don't need to roll up
232. 8:51to the gas lighter and say hey you need
233. 8:53to stop gaslighting the children
234. 8:55but you can call them out on the
235. 8:57behavior for example yelling or
236. 8:59something in ninety percent of cases
237. 9:01it's going to get you nowhere and in
238. 9:03some cases it could actually result in
239. 9:05risk because the gas lighter may simply
240. 9:07become sneakier or take it out worse on
241. 9:10the children or wonder if the children
242. 9:12dropped a dime on them so again be very
243. 9:14careful
244. 9:15if you are concerned that that may
245. 9:17happen that the child may become more
246. 9:18isolated then don't do it it's really
247. 9:20not worth the risk
248. 9:22people who gaslight children
249. 9:24also gaslight adults so odds are that
250. 9:27they will gaslight you or already are
251. 9:30number five if you have any ability to
252. 9:32do so or you are able to access any of
253. 9:35this the decision makers around a child
254. 9:37or if you're the decision maker for the
255. 9:39child you may want to consider getting a
256. 9:41child into therapy if that child is
257. 9:42being gaslighted the child does need
258. 9:44some safe spaces to talk and you just
259. 9:47have another adult who has eyes on them
260. 9:50sadly gaslighting parents in particular
261. 9:53will often not support this
262. 9:55but it is worth pursuing if there is a
263. 9:58possibility
264. 9:59number six use other modalities film tv
265. 10:03stories to sort of check in with
266. 10:06children about how they think characters
267. 10:07may be feeling could be a way to
268. 10:09un-gaslight a child because you give
269. 10:11them different ways of validating
270. 10:13emotion and let them reflect on how a
271. 10:15character may be feeling and validating
272. 10:17the experience that they think that
273. 10:19character is having may make them more
274. 10:21confident in their own experiences
275. 10:23number seven obviously if there is a
276. 10:25suspicion that a child is being abused
277. 10:28work with health care providers teachers
278. 10:31or other mandated reporters and above
279. 10:34all ensure that the child is safe
280. 10:36it is essential that if a child is in a
281. 10:39circumstance where it is suspected that
282. 10:41abuse or neglect is occurring we'll have
283. 10:43some links in the video notes with
284. 10:45information on that
285. 10:47now gaslighting is often a part of abuse
286. 10:49profiles and it is essential that if
287. 10:52there is a suspicion that everything is
288. 10:54done to ensure that a child is safe
289. 10:57on gaslighting children is very
290. 11:00difficult especially if the gaslighter
291. 11:02has regular time spent with the child
292. 11:05the child will still have a rough go of
293. 11:07it because i can tell you someone who
294. 11:08was gaslighted as a child it still
295. 11:11messes with my mind because it was
296. 11:14primal right and self-doubt still
297. 11:16remains something that plagues me
298. 11:18i know where it came from
299. 11:21but when i saw my childhood gaslighters
300. 11:24try to gaslight my own children i went
301. 11:27off on them
302. 11:28my healing process actually was
303. 11:30protecting my children from
304. 11:32intergenerational gaslighting cycles and
305. 11:34there was something fortifying about
306. 11:36finally doing something about it after
307. 11:38all of these years
308. 11:40but for all children
309. 11:42just one person somehow connecting with
310. 11:45a child
311. 11:46and without necessarily telling the
312. 11:48child that they're being gaslighted but
313. 11:50saying hey i see you and i see reality
314. 11:54and i'm here to validate that for you
315. 11:56can be more important than you know