How To Talk To Difficult People Without Making It Worse — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00Have you ever tried to have a hard
2. 0:01conversation with a person and they
3. 0:03freeze? They say, "I don't know." Or
4. 0:05even worse, they completely reject the
5. 0:06idea of the conversation and you. This
6. 0:08video explains why we do it and what you
7. 0:10can do about it.
8. 0:12>> [screaming]
9. 0:13>> Conversations like these require an
10. 0:14amount of vulnerability and you've
11. 0:15probably had to do some level of ego
12. 0:17dropping to talk to them about something
13. 0:19and that didn't go well. And now that's
14. 0:21frustrated you and you probably think
15. 0:22they don't care. Maybe they do, maybe
16. 0:24they don't. Regardless, each one of
17. 0:25these circumstances means something
18. 0:27entirely different and I'm going to
19. 0:28explain them. When they freeze, most
20. 0:30times you see this happen and you think,
21. 0:31"Wow, they're shutting down. They don't
22. 0:33want to talk to me. Why are they making
23. 0:34this so difficult?" That's not always
24. 0:35the case and one of the most common
25. 0:37mistakes people make in these
26. 0:38circumstances is assuming that silence
27. 0:40means guilt. And that might be the case
28. 0:41sometimes because if a person isn't able
29. 0:43to speak up about something, you're
30. 0:45thinking, "Okay, you definitely did it.
31. 0:46That's why you can't." But I do need to
32. 0:47let you know that more often them
33. 0:49freezing just means they are overwhelmed
34. 0:51in the situation. As much as you are
35. 0:53trying to confront them about what
36. 0:54happened, they are having such a hard
37. 0:55time processing this because for them,
38. 0:57their brain is trying to process
39. 0:58everything you just said in that moment.
40. 1:00Every question you asked, every
41. 1:02confrontation you made, every statement
42. 1:03you proclaimed. And for them, they're
43. 1:05trying to find the words, manage
44. 1:06emotions, and respond correctly all at
45. 1:08the same time. So, you can imagine for
46. 1:10you, if you found this easy to do to
47. 1:11talk about your feelings, but on the
48. 1:13other hand, you have someone who doesn't
49. 1:14actually know how to do these things,
50. 1:15that's a lot going on for them all at
51. 1:17once and that's going to make anyone in
52. 1:19those situations freeze. So, what do you
53. 1:21do? You stop filling the silence because
54. 1:24when a person is going through all this
55. 1:25all at the same time, they're
56. 1:26overwhelmed. When you start asking more
57. 1:28questions, start trying to make things
58. 1:29feel harder than they should, that is
59. 1:31putting unnecessary strain on the
60. 1:32individual. So, give them a minute. Give
61. 1:34them some time. Literally openly say,
62. 1:37"Hey, I'm going to give you a second.
63. 1:39Let's come back to this." You are doing
64. 1:41the best thing you could possibly do in
65. 1:42that situation because some people
66. 1:43genuinely need time to think before they
67. 1:45actually know what to say. So, if you
68. 1:47can't find it in you to actually give
69. 1:49these people some form of grace,
70. 1:51that makes their lives easy. Second one,
71. 1:53which I think is kind of famous, when
72. 1:54they say, "I don't know." And no, most
73. 1:56of the time they're not lying because we
74. 1:58confront a person, we say, "Hey, why'd
75. 1:59you do this?" "I don't know." And
76. 2:02instantly you're going to think, "Okay,
77. 2:03why are you lying?" That's not really
78. 2:04the case all the time. Sometimes these
79. 2:07people genuinely don't know. Because for
80. 2:08these group of people, I'll be honest
81. 2:10with you, no one has actually taught
82. 2:11them how to identify their feelings. And
83. 2:13if they've never learned how to do this,
84. 2:14there's no way they're going to be able
85. 2:15to do it on the spot, on the fly, at
86. 2:17your beckoning, at your convenience.
87. 2:19They know something's wrong. They know
88. 2:21you don't feel good. They know they're
89. 2:22upset, they know you're upset. They just
90. 2:24don't know why. They understand that
91. 2:26these feelings are emerging for them.
92. 2:27They but they just can't pinpoint it.
93. 2:29They can't figure it out. They can't map
94. 2:30it out. Some of us are gifted. Some of
95. 2:32us are capable of doing this on the fly
96. 2:34easily. We're self-aware. But you have
97. 2:35to understand that there are individuals
98. 2:37out there in the world who have no
99. 2:38processing, no understanding of how this
100. 2:39works. So for them, they actually don't
101. 2:41know. So rather than bombarding a person
102. 2:43with multiple questions trying to figure
103. 2:44them out, I want you to try this
104. 2:46instead. Ask them a simple,
105. 2:48straightforward question.
106. 2:49Okay.
107. 2:50What do you know? And you start from
108. 2:52there. Because that is a much easier
109. 2:53question to answer.
110. 2:55And again, going back to the first one,
111. 2:57if you still feel like things aren't
112. 2:58going right, you can always ask for
113. 3:00space. You can always ask to reconvey.
114. 3:02You do not have to hash things out in
115. 3:03the moment. Side note, there are people
116. 3:05in the world just like myself, when
117. 3:06something happens in the moment, I need
118. 3:08resolution. I do not function well when
119. 3:10there's nothing good going on. I do not
120. 3:11function well when I'm in a negative
121. 3:13space. I find that if I'm in a negative
122. 3:15space, I can process my feelings, I can
123. 3:17process my emotions. I know the right
124. 3:18things to say, I know how I feel about
125. 3:19things. But I need to understand that
126. 3:20the other person, well, I've come to
127. 3:21understand that the other person I'm
128. 3:22dealing with might not be in the same
129. 3:24position as I am. They might not be able
130. 3:25to process these things, process their
131. 3:26feelings. So I've come to learn that
132. 3:28it's okay, you know? Some people just
133. 3:30have different timelines for different
134. 3:31emotions. And the ultimate hack for this
135. 3:33is giving them space. It might be hard
136. 3:34for you because for you in the moment
137. 3:35you want to fix it. But for them, they
138. 3:36are processing. So if you can learn and
139. 3:38manage to give them grace and space, you
140. 3:40will be doing them the biggest service
141. 3:42and yourself. Because if a person comes
142. 3:44to you when they are fully coherent,
143. 3:45when they are fully ready and processed,
144. 3:47the conversation will go much more
145. 3:48easier and you will get the answers
146. 3:49you're looking for. Okay, the third and
147. 3:51most important, when they reject the
148. 3:52conversation. This might be the most
149. 3:54infuriating part of anything because
150. 3:57it's like you're trying to talk to a
151. 3:58person and and it's just not working.
152. 4:00They get defensive, they change the
153. 4:02subject, they walk away. All these
154. 4:04actions can do nothing but infuriate a
155. 4:06person and and you might not even want
156. 4:07to talk to them anymore and heck, I
157. 4:09don't blame you. And the honest truth is
158. 4:11with all these things they do, sometimes
159. 4:12they flat out tell you, "I'm not doing
160. 4:14this. I don't want to do this. I just I
161. 4:16don't want to talk about this
162. 4:17conversation." And this is a specific
163. 4:18one I want to talk about because when
164. 4:19this happens, this is a very different
165. 4:21thing entirely. Because see, the thing
166. 4:23is now we're dealing with people who are
167. 4:25avoidant. And avoidance happens for one
168. 4:27of two reasons. They're scared of the
169. 4:28conversation or they don't value the
170. 4:31conversation. And those are two very
171. 4:33different problems entirely. People are
172. 4:34scared for multiple reasons, but if I
173. 4:36were to sum it up and boil it down to
174. 4:37one simple thing, they just have past
175. 4:39experiences either with other people or
176. 4:41you and they find it hard to want to be
177. 4:43open or actually face those things
178. 4:44because they fear certain outcomes. And
179. 4:46if they don't value it, they're just
180. 4:47telling you to your face that it look,
181. 4:48this is not important to me. And I think
182. 4:50for you, it's just at that point you
183. 4:52have to know your standards. You have to
184. 4:54know what your boundaries are and you
185. 4:55have to be able to enforce them. I plan
186. 4:56to make a video on that, so stay tuned.
187. 4:58So, let's talk solutions. If you're
188. 5:00faced with a person who shows you
189. 5:01they're not interested in a conversation
190. 5:03or they want to walk away, you need to
191. 5:04only ask one question and that's how you
192. 5:06know how you move forward. You ask them,
193. 5:08"Do you need time or are you refusing to
194. 5:11have this conversation?" Because the
195. 5:12answer to that will give you all the
196. 5:14clarity you need. One deserves patience
197. 5:17because they might just not be in a
198. 5:18space to be able to talk to you. The
199. 5:19other deserves attention. When a person
200. 5:21shows you and makes it very clear they
201. 5:23don't they don't want to talk to you,
202. 5:25boundaries
203. 5:27and standards.
204. 5:28Again, we'll talk about that. But But
205. 5:29that's what you need to keep in mind
206. 5:30because you cannot force a conversation
207. 5:32out of those people. Here's the formula,
208. 5:34let's run it up one more time. If they
209. 5:35freeze, give them space. They are
210. 5:37struggling with processing their
211. 5:39emotions and feelings all at the same
212. 5:40time and you cannot force a conversation
213. 5:41out of them. Give them the space to get
214. 5:43it all together and come back. If they
215. 5:45say "I don't know", help them explore.
216. 5:47They are not sure what their options
217. 5:48are, they're not sure what they're
218. 5:50thinking. Help them. Ask them, "What do
219. 5:52you know?" And from there, you go on.
220. 5:55And again, if they don't have anything
221. 5:57to give in the moment, let them get
222. 5:58their thoughts together. If they reject
223. 5:59the conversation, figure out if it's
224. 6:01fear or if it's avoidance. Because see,
225. 6:03when a person tells you they don't want
226. 6:04to talk to you, understanding the
227. 6:06reaction is how you get past the
228. 6:08reaction. Because them not wanting to
229. 6:10talk is never the real thing. They're
230. 6:12just having a hard time talking. And if
231. 6:14they want to talk, you'll know. If they
232. 6:16don't, you'll also know. Most people
233. 6:18fail hard conversations because they're
234. 6:19reacting to the behavior. They're not
235. 6:21trying to understand it. They're not
236. 6:23trying to understand what caused it. So,
237. 6:25I hope you implement these and I hope
238. 6:27you throw them in because again, no
239. 6:29conversation is hard, especially when
240. 6:31you want to have it with someone you
241. 6:32actually care about. They might just be
242. 6:34having a hard time. And if you can get
243. 6:36through that, if you can find it in you
244. 6:37to apply these and actually show up,
245. 6:40you're going to be able to have that
246. 6:40hard conversation.
247. 6:41As always, I'm Cam. I'll see you in the
248. 6:43next one. Okay, really quick, in the
249. 6:45last two videos, I've I've I've gotten a
250. 6:48lot of new people who have been
251. 6:50subscribed or followed. And if you have
252. 6:52any questions about me, put them in the
253. 6:54comments. Preferably, if you see this on
254. 6:56YouTube, I'd appreciate that.
255. 6:58Bye.