How to stop screwing yourself over | Mel Robbins | TEDxSF — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00Transcriber: Judith Matz Reviewer: Tatjana Jevdjic
2. 0:11Bigger welcome! Hello, San Francisco!
3. 0:15TEDx – oh my God, blinding light!
4. 0:18Hi, everybody! How are you?
5. 0:20(Audience cheering) Fine?! Oh my gosh! Okay, so...
6. 0:23My name is Mel Robbins, and for the last seventeen years,
7. 0:27I have done nothing but help people get everything that they want.
8. 0:35Within reason! My husband's here.
9. 0:38So, I've done it in the courtroom, in the boardroom, in the bedroom,
10. 0:44in people's living room, whatever room you want to be in,
11. 0:47if I'm there, I will help you get whatever you want by any means necessary.
12. 0:52For the last three years – I host a syndicated radio show.
13. 0:56Five days a week, I go live in forty cities
14. 0:59and I talk to men and women across America who feel stuck.
15. 1:03Do you know that a third of Americans feel dissatisfied with their lives right now?
16. 1:11That is a hundred million people!
17. 1:15That's insane!
18. 1:18And I've come face to face with it in this new show that I'm doing,
19. 1:21which is also insane, it's called "In-laws".
20. 1:24I move in with families across America – (Laughter)
21. 1:29You guessed it!
22. 1:31– who are at war with their in-laws.
23. 1:35We move them into the same house, I verbally assassinate everybody,
24. 1:40we open up Pandora's box,
25. 1:42and I get people to stop arguing about the donuts
26. 1:46and who is hosting Thanksgiving dinner,
27. 1:47and talk about the real stuff.
28. 1:51And that's what I want to talk to you about.
29. 1:54I'm here for you.
30. 1:56I'm going to tell you everything I know in less than eighteen minutes
31. 2:00about how to get what you want.
32. 2:02So I want you to take a millisecond right now
33. 2:05and think about what you want.
34. 2:06You!
35. 2:08And I want you to be selfish.
36. 2:10Screw Simon and the "We" thing. This is about me, right now!
37. 2:13(Laughter) (Applause) Sorry, Simon.
38. 2:17What do you want? And here's the deal.
39. 2:21I don't want it to sound good to other people.
40. 2:24Being healthy will not get your ass on a treadmill.
41. 2:28Losing your manboobs, so you can hook up with somebody,
42. 2:32now that's motivation. (Laughter)
43. 2:35So, I want to know: What do you want?
44. 2:39Do you want to lose weight? Do you want to triple your income?
45. 2:43Do you want to start a nonprofit? Do you want to find love?
46. 2:47What is it? Get it, right here.
47. 2:49You know what it is, don't analyze it to death, just pick something.
48. 2:52That's part of the problem. You won't pick.
49. 2:57So, we're going to be talking about how you get what you want.
50. 3:03And frankly, getting what you want is simple.
51. 3:08But notice I didn't say it was easy.
52. 3:12It's very simple.
53. 3:14In fact, if you think about it,
54. 3:18we live in the most amazing moment in time.
55. 3:21So that thing that you have up here, whatever it may be,
56. 3:25you want to use healthy eating to cure your diabetes,
57. 3:28you want to figure out how to take care of the elders
58. 3:32and start a new hospice center,
59. 3:34you want to move to Africa and build a school... Guess what?
60. 3:38You can walk into a book store – right now! –
61. 3:41and buy at least ten books written by credentialed experts
62. 3:44on how the hell you do it.
63. 3:46You could Google it.
64. 3:48And you could probably find at least, I don't know - a thousand blogs
65. 3:54documenting the step, by step, by step transformation
66. 3:57that somebody else is already doing.
67. 3:59You can find anybody online and cyber-stalk them!
68. 4:04(Laughter)
69. 4:06You can just walk in their footsteps – just use the science of drafting.
70. 4:10Follow what everyone else has done, because somebody is already doing it!
71. 4:14So why don't you have what you want,
72. 4:16when you have all the information that you need,
73. 4:19you have the contacts that you need,
74. 4:22there are probably free tools online that allow you to start a business,
75. 4:26or join a group, or do whatever the heck you want!?
76. 4:30It all comes down to one word:
77. 4:33F*©#.
78. 4:38Shut the front door, you know what I'm talking about?
79. 4:42The f-bomb. It's everywhere!
80. 4:46You hear it all the time!
81. 4:48I honestly don't understand what the appeal is of the word.
82. 4:51I mean, you don't sound smart when you say it.
83. 4:54And it's really not expressing how you really feel.
84. 5:00It's sort of a cheap shot to take.
85. 5:03And of course you know I'm talking about the word "fine".
86. 5:09"How you doing?" "Oh, I'm fine."
87. 5:12Oh, really? You are?
88. 5:14Dragging around those extra forty pounds, you're fine?
89. 5:17Feeling like roommates with your spouse, and you're fine?
90. 5:20You haven't had sex in four months, you're fine?
91. 5:23Really?!
92. 5:26I don't think so!
93. 5:29But see, here's the deal with saying that you're fine: It's actually genius.
94. 5:34Because if you're fine, you don't have to do anything about it.
95. 5:39But when you think about this word "fine", it just makes me so angry.
96. 5:45Here we are at a conference about being alive
97. 5:47and you're going to describe the experience of being alive as "fine"?!
98. 5:52What a flimsy and feeble word!
99. 5:55If you're crappy, say you're crappy!
100. 5:57If you're amazing say you're amazing!
101. 5:59Tell the truth!
102. 6:01And this not only goes for the social construct:
103. 6:04"Oh, I don't want to burden you with the fact that I hate my life",
104. 6:07or: "Hey, I'm amazing! But that would make you feel terrible."
105. 6:10The bigger issue –
106. 6:12The bigger issue with "fine" is that you say it to yourself.
107. 6:17That thing that you want, I guarantee you,
108. 6:20you've convinced yourself that you're fine not having it.
109. 6:26That's why you're not pushing yourself.
110. 6:28It's the areas in your life where you've given up.
111. 6:31Where you've said,
112. 6:32"Oh, I'm fine. My mom's never going to change,
113. 6:35so I just can't have that conversation."
114. 6:37"I'm fine. We've got to wait until the kids graduate, before we get divorced,
115. 6:40so we'll just sleep in separate bedrooms."
116. 6:43"I'm fine. I lost my job, I can barely pay my bills,
117. 6:46but whatever – It's hard to get a job."
118. 6:51One of the reasons why this word also just annoys me so much is,
119. 6:57scientists have calculated –
120. 7:01Oh yeah, I'm coming down! (Laughter)
121. 7:03Scientists have calculated
122. 7:05the odds
123. 7:08of you
124. 7:09being born.
125. 7:12That's right. They've crunched the numbers. I see you up there.
126. 7:17They've crunched the numbers on you –
127. 7:18Yeah, you guys standing up, you want to sit down for this.
128. 7:22They've crunched the numbers on you being born.
129. 7:25And they took into account all of the wars,
130. 7:29and the natural disasters, and the dinosaurs,
131. 7:33and everything else.
132. 7:35And do you realize that the odds, the odds of you,
133. 7:41yeah, right here, put your computer away,
134. 7:43stand up for me, Doug! (Laughter)
135. 7:47So the odds of Doug here, turn around, say "hi" to everybody –
136. 7:50the odds of Doug being born
137. 7:54at the moment in time he was born,
138. 7:57to the parents you were born to, with the DNA structure that you have,
139. 8:03one in four hundred trillion!
140. 8:08Isn't that amazing? Doug: I'm so lucky!
141. 8:11Mel: Yes! You're not fine, you're fantastic!
142. 8:15You have life-changing ideas for a reason, and it's not to torture yourself.
143. 8:21Thank you. Thank you, Doug. (Applause)
144. 8:26Christine was right when she said all of you could be on stage.
145. 8:30Because all of you – we're all in this category.
146. 8:33One in four hundred trillion.
147. 8:37All day long you have ideas that could change your life,
148. 8:41that could change the world, that could change the way that you feel,
149. 8:45and what do you do with them? Nothing!
150. 8:49(Grunts) Hopefully I won't moon you. (Laughter)
151. 8:52You didn't pay for that. (Laughter)
152. 8:58And I want you to just think for a minute, because we all have –
153. 9:03I love to use the analogy "the inner snooze button" –
154. 9:06you have these amazing ideas that bubble up.
155. 9:09You've been watching people all day
156. 9:10and I guarantee you, like ping pong balls – bam-bam-bam
157. 9:15and everytime you have an idea, what do you do? – Hit the snooze!
158. 9:19What's the first decision you made this morning?
159. 9:22I bet it was to go back to bed.
160. 9:26"Yeah, first decision today, I'm one in four hundred trillion,
161. 9:30I'm going to go back to sleep."
162. 9:32And I get it! Your bed is comfortable! It's cosy, it's warm!
163. 9:37If you're lucky, you've got somebody that you love next to you,
164. 9:40or in my case, I've got my husband and my two kids and possibly the dog.
165. 9:47And the reason why I'm bringing up this first decision that you made today,
166. 9:52and the inner snooze alarm, is because
167. 9:57in any area of your life that you want to change,
168. 10:03any – there's one fact that you need to know.
169. 10:07This one:
170. 10:12You are never going to feel like it.
171. 10:16Ever.
172. 10:19No one's coming, motivation isn't happening,
173. 10:22you're never going to feel like it.
174. 10:24Scientists call it activation energy.
175. 10:27That's what they call the force required
176. 10:30to get you to change from what you're doing
177. 10:32on autopilot to do something new.
178. 10:34So try this test tomorrow.
179. 10:37You think you're so fancy, I know, you're attending TED.
180. 10:40(Laughter) Try this.
181. 10:43Tomorrow morning, set your alarm for thirty minutes earlier.
182. 10:48And then when it goes off, take those sheets,
183. 10:51throw them off, and stand up and start your day.
184. 10:56No snooze, no delay,
185. 10:59no, "I'll just wait here for five seconds because Mel's not standing here" –
186. 11:03Do it.
187. 11:05And the reason why I want you to do it is because you will come face to face
188. 11:10with the physical, and I mean physical force
189. 11:14that's required to change your behavior.
190. 11:19Do you think that somebody who needs to lose weight
191. 11:23ever feels like going on a diet?
192. 11:25Of course not!
193. 11:27You think they ever feel like eating boiled chicken and peas
194. 11:30instead of a croissant?
195. 11:32I don't think so!
196. 11:35The activation energy
197. 11:37required to get your ass away from your computer and out the front door,
198. 11:43to go on the walk, you said that you were going to go on,
199. 11:46is the exact same amount of force that it takes you
200. 11:49to push yourself out of a warm bed and into a cold room.
201. 11:54What's interesting about being an adult
202. 11:57is that when you become eighteen,
203. 12:01nobody tells you that it's now going to be your job to parent yourself.
204. 12:07And by "parent yourself",
205. 12:09I mean it's your job to make yourself do the crap you don't want to do,
206. 12:15so you can be everything that you're supposed to be.
207. 12:20And you're so damn busy waiting to feel like it.
208. 12:24And you're never going to!
209. 12:26My son never feels like getting off his DS. That's my job!
210. 12:30Get off the damn DS!
211. 12:33Kendall, clean up the Barbies!
212. 12:35If you're going to have a nude party in my bathroom, at least clean it up!
213. 12:39(Laughter)
214. 12:42God, chew with your mouth closed! We're not a barn, for crying out loud!
215. 12:48Alright, dinner is coming, get out of the pantry.
216. 12:54As parents, and you were a kid,
217. 12:57your parents make you do the things you don't feel like doing.
218. 13:00Because you won't. Ever.
219. 13:03Not now, not then, not ever!
220. 13:07And even when you get good at something,
221. 13:09you'll figure out something else you don't want to do.
222. 13:11And then you'll plateau out, get bored, "I hate this job. Blah blah boring."
223. 13:15But will you look for a new one? No! You'll just bitch about that one.
224. 13:19It's very, very simple to get what you want.
225. 13:23But it's not easy.
226. 13:28You have to force yourself.
227. 13:32And I mean force.
228. 13:36And the reason why I use the word "force" –
229. 13:38when Roz was up here and talking about the emotion tracking,
230. 13:42and she had the picture of two sides of the brain –
231. 13:45I look at the brain the exact same way.
232. 13:49Only I describe one side of your brain as autopilot
233. 13:52and the other side as emergency brake.
234. 13:54That's the only two speeds you get: autopilot, emergency brake.
235. 13:58And guess which one your brain likes better: autopilot.
236. 14:02You've had the experience where you've driven to work and you get there
237. 14:05and you're like, "Oh my God, I don't remember ever driving here."
238. 14:08(Laughter)
239. 14:09You weren't drunk! That was your brain on autopilot.
240. 14:13It was functioning just at this level.
241. 14:16And the problem with your mind is that anytime
242. 14:19you do anything that's different from your normal routine,
243. 14:22guess what your brain does — emergency brake!
244. 14:26And it has that reaction for everything. Everything!
245. 14:29You walk into the kitchen and see
246. 14:30everybody's left their breakfast dishes for you.
247. 14:33And you think for the hundredth time, "I'm going to kill them.
248. 14:36In fact I'm gonna leave it here and I'm going to make them do it."
249. 14:40But that's not your normal routine, is it?
250. 14:42So your mind goes: emergency brake!
251. 14:44And you go right into autopilot.
252. 14:46"I'll just load it, and be pissed, and then not have sex.
253. 14:48That's what I'm going to do." (Laughter) (Applause)
254. 14:54So, when I say "force",
255. 14:56anything that's a break from your routine is going to require force.
256. 15:02And if you think about your life,
257. 15:04it's kind of funny because we are kids and then we become adults,
258. 15:09and we spend so much time trying to push our life
259. 15:11into some sort of stable routine,
260. 15:13and then we grow bored of it!
261. 15:15You wake up at the same time every day, you have largely the same breakfast,
262. 15:19you drive to work the same way, show up at work, look busy,
263. 15:22avoid making calls, update Facebook,
264. 15:24you attend a meeting and doodle the whole time,
265. 15:27go back and update Facebook, make plans for the evening,
266. 15:29you look busy some more, then drive home the same way,
267. 15:32you eat largely the same dinner or a variety of it,
268. 15:34you watch the same kind of media,
269. 15:36and then you go to bed, and do the same thing all over again!
270. 15:39No wonder you're bored out of your mind!
271. 15:41It's the routine that's killing you.
272. 15:44I have this theory about why people get stuck in life.
273. 15:48So, most of you've probably taken your Basic Psych 101 class,
274. 15:51and you've bumped into Abraham Maslow's "Hierarchy of Needs"?
275. 15:56Well, your body is kinda cool. Because you have these basic needs.
276. 16:01And your body is wired to send you signals.
277. 16:06If you need food, what do you feel?
278. 16:11If you need water, what do you feel?
279. 16:14If you need sex, what do you feel? (Laughter) Thank you.
280. 16:20I think when you feel stuck or dissatisfied in your life,
281. 16:24it's a signal.
282. 16:26And it's not a signal that your life is broken.
283. 16:30It's a signal that one of your most basic needs are not being met.
284. 16:35Your need for exploration.
285. 16:37Everything about your life, about your body, grows!
286. 16:41Your cells regenerate, your hair, your nails,
287. 16:43everything grows for your entire life.
288. 16:47And your soul needs exploration and growth.
289. 16:51And the only way you'll get it is by forcing yourself to be uncomfortable.
290. 16:57Forcing yourself to get outside,
291. 17:02out of your head. Thank you.
292. 17:04If you're in your head, you're behind enemy lines.
293. 17:07That is not God talking, okay? It's not!
294. 17:10In fact, if I put a speaker on it and we broadcast what you say to yourself,
295. 17:14we would institutionalize you. (Laughter)
296. 17:18You would not hang out with people that talk to you
297. 17:20the way you talk to yourself.
298. 17:22So get out of your head!
299. 17:25Your feelings! Your feelings are screwing you!
300. 17:29I don't care how you feel! I care about what you want!
301. 17:33And if you listen to how you feel,
302. 17:36when it comes to what you want – you will not get it.
303. 17:41Because you will never feel like it.
304. 17:44And you need to get outside your comfort zone.
305. 17:47It's not about taking risks,
306. 17:49it's about getting outside your comfort zone.
307. 17:53Those first three seconds when you push yourself out of bed, they blow.
308. 17:58But once you're up, it's great.
309. 18:02Those first three seconds when you're sitting here in a stadium like this
310. 18:06and somebody says, "Get up and come dance,"
311. 18:09and you think, "Oh, I should do that,"
312. 18:11and then you're like, "Uhmm."
313. 18:14That experience that you had when you had the impulse to do it
314. 18:20and then you didn't do the activation energy
315. 18:23required to force yourself,
316. 18:26your emergency brake got pulled – "I'm sitting right here.
317. 18:29I'm not going up with those crazy people, I don't like to dance..."
318. 18:34What happened for me is I came up, and I bumped into Rachel,
319. 18:37and then we started talking, and next thing you know, she's tweeting.
320. 18:41And we're friends. And – boom! Get outside.
321. 18:45That's where the magic is.
322. 18:47That's where the one in four hundred trillion exists.
323. 18:54So everything I do – oh, OK, this is the last part. Sorry.
324. 18:58So one more thing that you can use, I call it the five-second-rule.
325. 19:02Your mind can process a facial expression in 33 milliseconds.
326. 19:10It can move pretty damn quick.
327. 19:13The other thing that it does very quickly
328. 19:16is if you have one of those little impulses that are pulling you,
329. 19:21if you don't marry it with an action within five seconds,
330. 19:25you pull the emergency brake and kill the idea.
331. 19:27Kill it!
332. 19:29If you have the impulse to get up and come dance while the band is playing,
333. 19:33if you don't stand up in five seconds,
334. 19:35you're going to pull the emergency brake.
335. 19:38If you have an impulse about,
336. 19:41you were inspired by somebody's speech today,
337. 19:43and you don't do something within five seconds
338. 19:46– write a note, send yourself a text –
339. 19:49anything physical to marry it with the idea,
340. 19:52you will pull the emergency brake and kill the idea.
341. 19:56Your problem isn't ideas. Your problem is you don't act on them.
342. 20:00You kill them. It's not my fault. It's not anybody's fault.
343. 20:06You're doing it to yourself. Stop it!
344. 20:10I'm counting on you. One in four hundred trillion.
345. 20:15You got stuff to do!
346. 20:17And it's not going to happen in your head.
347. 20:20So I want you to practice this today.
348. 20:24When we go off to party, thank God it's coming soon,
349. 20:26because I think we all could use a cocktail,
350. 20:30I want you to practice the five-second-rule.
351. 20:33You see somebody and you think you have an impulse,
352. 20:36they look interesting? Walk over there!
353. 20:39You were inspired by somebody and you have a request?
354. 20:42Make it!
355. 20:44That's why you're here!
356. 20:48Experiment with it, and I think you'll be shocked about what happens.
357. 20:52And one more thing, I want you to know that everything that I do,
358. 20:56whether it's the radio show, or the television show,
359. 20:58or the book that I wrote, or the column,
360. 21:01it's for you.
361. 21:03And if there is anything that I can do,
362. 21:07if I can do anything to make you do the things you don't want to do,
363. 21:12so you can have what you want, I will do it.
364. 21:16But you need to walk over, you need to open your mouth,
365. 21:20and you need to make the request.
366. 21:22You got it? Good. Go do it.
367. 21:26(Applause)
368. 21:32Thank you! Thank you, yes! Stand up!
369. 21:35You have the impulse, stand up! Thank you!