How To Stop Limerence: Why You’re Obsessed With Someone Who Doesn’t Want You — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00Hi. Hello. Uh, today we're going to talk
2. 0:03about limrance. And I'm sorry if I hurt
3. 0:05any of your feelings in the process. Any
4. 0:07feelings hurt are for your best good.
5. 0:09So, let's get into it, shall we? Do you
6. 0:12ever get stuck on someone who doesn't
7. 0:13love you? I'm not talking about a crush.
8. 0:16I'm not talking about butterflies and
9. 0:17flirtation and fun. I'm talking about
10. 0:20the spiral, the allconsuming
11. 0:23obsession, the I hope they text back,
12. 0:27checking your phone every two seconds
13. 0:28feeling. That that mental loop where
14. 0:30they say one nice thing and it lives
15. 0:32rentree in your head for the next 6
16. 0:35months. That's not love. It's lirance.
17. 0:37And lirance is both desperately wanting
18. 0:40to be loved and feeling like you do not
19. 0:42deserve to be. that contradiction,
20. 0:46that psychological split that keeps the
21. 0:48addiction going. Because that's what
22. 0:50lirance really is. It's an addiction,
23. 0:53not to a person, but to a possibility.
24. 0:56The possibility that if someone just
25. 0:59loved you enough, fought for you hard
26. 1:02enough, saw you deeply enough, maybe you
27. 1:05could finally stop hating yourself.
28. 1:08Because that's what hurts the most,
29. 1:10isn't it? It's not just that they don't
30. 1:13love you back. It's the meaning that we
31. 1:15make from that absence that maybe it
32. 1:19confirms what you've always feared to be
33. 1:22true. That love was never meant for you.
34. 1:25That connection, safety, and
35. 1:28reciprocation were luxuries that you
36. 1:31don't qualify for. Now, now let's get
37. 1:34into some psychology of limrance here
38. 1:35for a moment. In psychology, I have it
39. 1:38on my computer here. In psychology,
40. 1:40lirance is often tied to attachment
41. 1:42trauma, especially anxious attachment.
42. 1:45When love was unpredictable,
43. 1:47inconsistent or conditional. As a child,
44. 1:51we learned to chase it. That love was
45. 1:54not something given unconditionally. We
46. 1:57believed we had to earn love by being
47. 1:59enough, pretty enough, smart enough,
48. 2:03lowmaintenance enough, quiet enough. So
49. 2:05when someone shows us breadcrumbs, our
50. 2:08brains light up like we've hit the
51. 2:11jackpot. Intermittent reinforcement is
52. 2:14what it's called. The same system slot
53. 2:16machines use to hook people is exactly
54. 2:19what is going on in your brain during
55. 2:21lirance. It's one of the strongest
56. 2:23psychological forces and lirance thrives
57. 2:26on it. The push and the pull, the
58. 2:29almost, the mixed signals. It hijacks
59. 2:32your nervous system and calls itself
60. 2:34love. It's not love.
61. 2:37It's a compulsion to complete a
62. 2:38narrative that was never yours to carry
63. 2:40in the first place. That person, this
64. 2:43person that you claim that you are in
65. 2:45love with, that you want to love you
66. 2:46back, is filling a hole in you. It's
67. 2:50also taking the place in continuing the
68. 2:52cycle of begging for love and never
69. 2:54receiving it from a parent as a kid.
70. 2:56It's the same cycle. It's a compulsion
71. 2:59to carry a narrative that was never
72. 3:01yours to carry in the first place. It's
73. 3:03taking the place and continuing the
74. 3:05cycle of begging for love and never
75. 3:07receiving it from a parent as a kid. We
76. 3:09are repeating the cycle of what is, say
77. 3:12it with me now, comfortable, not
78. 3:15healthy. Because our nervous system gets
79. 3:17used to what we feed it. And if we are
80. 3:19fed the cycle of begging and wishing and
81. 3:23hoping that we will receive what we need
82. 3:25from a parent, the love we desperately
83. 3:28crave from a parent that should be given
84. 3:29to us unconditionally just by being
85. 3:32born. We look for that because it's what
86. 3:34we've always known. And what we always
87. 3:37know is not always what is healthy
88. 3:40because we think deep down we have been
89. 3:43taught that love is a game of endurance.
90. 3:47that if we just hold on long enough,
91. 3:49someone will finally give us what we
92. 3:52have always been missing. But true love
93. 3:55isn't earned through suffering. You
94. 3:59think that what you're craving is them,
95. 4:00but what you are craving is healing. If
96. 4:02you really wanted love, you would be in
97. 4:05a relationship with someone who loves
98. 4:08you, who texts you back, who shows up,
99. 4:13who is consistent. But instead, you are
100. 4:16obsessing over someone that gives you
101. 4:18nothing and that tells you something
102. 4:21about yourself. You choose
103. 4:23subconsciously to stay in this headsp
104. 4:25space because if you wanted to leave,
105. 4:28you'd say, "I deserve a love that loves
106. 4:32me back and leave." But you don't
107. 4:35because deep down you don't believe love
108. 4:37is safe. You don't believe you're worthy
109. 4:39of it. So you seek people out that
110. 4:42confirm that belief. Limrance tells you
111. 4:46that the absence of love is the only
112. 4:48love you deserve. So you wait, you
113. 4:50fantasize, you write, you write mental
114. 4:53stories about a version of them that
115. 4:55will never exist. And here's the thing,
116. 4:57you're looking for water in a dry well.
117. 5:00And that doesn't make this other person
118. 5:02a bad person. It means they're
119. 5:04exercising their free will and aren't
120. 5:06interested in you. Interest isn't cut
121. 5:08and dry. And there's so many reasons why
122. 5:10a person not might not be romantically
123. 5:12attracted to you. Someone not being
124. 5:15attracted to you doesn't say anything
125. 5:16about your worth. Let's say it again and
126. 5:19say it with me now this time. Someone
127. 5:20not being attracted to you doesn't say
128. 5:22anything about your worth. And liance
129. 5:25has so much more to do with you than it
130. 5:27ever does with that other person.
131. 5:29Because when someone doesn't like you
132. 5:31back, it's your duty to walk away and
133. 5:34find someone that does, but you stay.
134. 5:36Why? Because lirance doesn't care about
135. 5:40truth. It wants hope. It wants to keep
136. 5:44spinning the wheel just in case today is
137. 5:46the day that they finally see you. The
138. 5:48day you are finally heard, seen,
139. 5:50expressed, loved, carried, chosen. Treat
140. 5:54it like an obsession because
141. 5:55psychologically it is. And believe me,
142. 5:59I've been there. There's always been
143. 6:01someone in the back of my mind where I'm
144. 6:03like, "Oh, I can't go off and date
145. 6:04because what if this person finally
146. 6:07decides to love me today?" I didn't want
147. 6:10him to love me. I wanted him to notice
148. 6:14how lovable I was. I wanted him to give
149. 6:18me the permission and the evidence that
150. 6:21I was lovable. I wanted him to make me
151. 6:24lovable by choosing me. I've always been
152. 6:28lovable and it doesn't matter who
153. 6:30chooses me. I was lovable from the day I
154. 6:33was born. Philosopher Eric from warned
155. 6:37against this in the art of loving that
156. 6:41most people mistake the feeling of
157. 6:43falling for love as actual love. But
158. 6:46real love is an act of will, of
159. 6:49maturity, of presence. It's not
160. 6:52obsession. It's not chaos. It's calm.
161. 6:56It's grounded. It's mutual. It's a
162. 7:00decision that you make. And if you have
163. 7:02made the decision to be in a
164. 7:04relationship with someone, but someone
165. 7:06else has not made that same decision,
166. 7:08well, honey, you are living in delusion,
167. 7:09not reality. Because you would both make
168. 7:12a mutual decision to be in that space
169. 7:14together.
170. 7:15Love does not thrive only on feeling,
171. 7:18but action. You have to feel those
172. 7:21feelings for each other, but you also
173. 7:22have to make the conscious action to be
174. 7:24in that relationship. And here's the
175. 7:26thing. When you and another person
176. 7:28decide that you are in love, it is a
177. 7:29decision. It is a mutual agreement that
178. 7:32both of you choose to stay there. And
179. 7:33with limrance, you have the feeling of
180. 7:35love, but not the action. And the other
181. 7:37person does not have the feeling or the
182. 7:39action. It is a single-sided
183. 7:41interaction. And it's not that you are
184. 7:42actually in love with them or feeling in
185. 7:44love with them. You are in love with the
186. 7:46idea that someone could love you so hard
187. 7:48that maybe you could love yourself. That
188. 7:50maybe they could give you evidence that
189. 7:52you can finally stop hating all the
190. 7:54pieces of you that you do not know how
191. 7:56to love. That you can be seen in your
192. 7:59entirety by a person and be chosen
193. 8:02anyway. But no one can do that for you.
194. 8:05You have to do that for yourself. But do
195. 8:08not worry. The fact that you can love
196. 8:11someone as deeply as this person who did
197. 8:13not love you back is proof that you can
198. 8:16love yourself. Write yourself the poems
199. 8:19that you write them. Dye your hair for
200. 8:22yourself, not for them. Yearn and pine
201. 8:25for your own self-acceptance, not their
202. 8:27acceptance. So, my friends, how do you
203. 8:30get out of limrance? This is the
204. 8:32question that's probably been on your
205. 8:33mind since this video started. You stop
206. 8:36romanticizing starvation. You stop
207. 8:38confusing neglect with mystery and
208. 8:41inconsistency with fate. You remind
209. 8:43yourself that the person you're addicted
210. 8:45to is not real. Not in the way you
211. 8:48imagine. Real and true love is simple
212. 8:51and easy and calm. It is a mutual
213. 8:53decision. It is the same as ordering a
214. 8:56cup of coffee. You walk up to the
215. 8:57counter, you make the decision that you
216. 8:59are going to get that coffee, and then
217. 9:01you go and pick up that coffee. It's the
218. 9:02same feeling as falling in love with a
219. 9:05person. You have decided that you are
220. 9:07going to be each other's person for
221. 9:08life. You have decided that you are
222. 9:10going to be there for the other person
223. 9:12for whatever they might need. You are
224. 9:14now their person. And that is an
225. 9:16agreement that you could sign on paper
226. 9:17if you wanted to. Love is not earned
227. 9:22through suffering. And this person that
228. 9:25you think that you are in love with,
229. 9:27they're a character you wrote to solve a
230. 9:29story that started long before they
231. 9:31entered your life. And you need to stop
232. 9:33asking why don't they love me? And you
233. 9:36need to start asking why do I believe
234. 9:39that love must be earned through
235. 9:41suffering. Love is not supposed to feel
236. 9:44like obsession. It's not supposed to
237. 9:46feel like pain. It's not supposed to
238. 9:48feel like a million questions in your
239. 9:50head. And here's what you're going to do
240. 9:52about that person that you have built up
241. 9:54in your head. You're going to grieve.
242. 9:57And grieving sucks, but I want you to do
243. 9:58it anyway. You're gonna cry and rage and
244. 10:01let the fantasy collapse. Stop
245. 10:04protecting it and let it fall apart.
246. 10:06This is never going to happen. And you
247. 10:08know what you're going to do? You're
248. 10:10going to start choosing people who
249. 10:12choose you back, who would move
250. 10:13mountains for you. You begin the
251. 10:16terrifying, liberating work of becoming
252. 10:19your own mirror, of seeing yourself not
253. 10:22as a problem that has to be fixed, but
254. 10:24as a soul to be loved. You take the
255. 10:27energy you spent chasing them and
256. 10:29redirect it into creating a life that
257. 10:30feels like home. One where you don't
258. 10:33have to perform. One where you are safe
259. 10:35even if you are not chosen. And the
260. 10:37holes you're trying to fill, they don't
261. 10:40vanish, but they just stop controlling
262. 10:42you. It becomes a scar instead of an
263. 10:45open wound. Because truly,
264. 10:48philosophically, lirance is existential.
265. 10:53We're terrified of the void. terrified
266. 10:56of the silence within ourselves. So we
267. 10:58fill it with dreams,
268. 11:01projections,
269. 11:03imagine futures. We build shrines in our
270. 11:05head to unavailable people because it
271. 11:07gives us structure, something to orbit
272. 11:10around. It gives us a sense of meaning.
273. 11:12Like maybe I was made to love this
274. 11:14person and that's why I'm here instead
275. 11:16of admitting to yourself that you feel
276. 11:17meaningless on this planet. Because to
277. 11:19admit that there's nothing there would
278. 11:21be to face the abyss. But what if the
279. 11:23abyss isn't empty? What if it's the
280. 11:25space where you live? What if it's home?
281. 11:28What if it's where your real self is
282. 11:30waiting? You learn to sit with the
283. 11:32loneliness instead of escaping it. And
284. 11:33eventually, quietly, without
285. 11:36announcement, you realize you never
286. 11:38needed them to love you. You just needed
287. 11:43to come back to yourself.