How to Speed Run Getting Cancer - Goblins Guide — Transcript

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1. 0:00So, you need to get cancer and fast.
2. 0:02Maybe you've dreamed of dying a slow,
3. 0:04painful death since childhood. Or maybe
4. 0:06you're just bored and want attention.
5. 0:08Well, I hate to break it to you, but
6. 0:09those microplastics and carcinogens
7. 0:11you've been guzzling just won't cut it.
8. 0:14But don't worry, as a content creator,
9. 0:16it's my responsibility to ensure my
10. 0:18viewers are constantly exposed to
11. 0:20cancer. So, today, I'll be showing you
12. 0:23how to give yourself cancer as fast as
13. 0:25possible.
14. 0:27Cancer happens when a cell loses its
15. 0:29moral compass and reproduces
16. 0:31uncontrollably like a Catholic bunny on
17. 0:33Molly. But to get there, you'll need to
18. 0:35mutate your cell's DNA.
19. 0:41Now, normally that takes years of aging,
20. 0:43but we don't have time for all that. So,
21. 0:45let's expedite the process with a buffet
22. 0:47of carcinogens. Smoking is a great way
23. 0:50to look badass, but did you know it's
24. 0:53also a leading cause of lung cancer?
25. 0:55Smokers are 25 times more likely to
26. 0:57develop lung cancer than non-smoking
27. 1:00losers. So, I suggest you start chain
28. 1:02smoking menthols as soon as possible.
29. 1:04They're better than your standard reds
30. 1:06because they numb your throat, allowing
31. 1:08a deeper inhale. Doctors even used to
32. 1:10recommend menthols to relieve stress and
33. 1:12treat asthma. But the soberards over at
34. 1:14the FDA had to come in with their
35. 1:16clipboards and science. Luckily, they
36. 1:19haven't ruined alcohol yet. A great way
37. 1:21to shorten your life and boost your risk
38. 1:23of cancer is regular alcohol
39. 1:25consumption. When you drink, your body
40. 1:27converts alcohol into acetalahhide,
41. 1:30which is basically paint thinner for
42. 1:31your DNA, but tastes slightly worse.
43. 1:34Acetalahhide is more toxic than alcohol.
44. 1:37So, our livers turn booze into something
45. 1:39worse than what it started with. Great
46. 1:41job, evolution. Slamming for locos
47. 1:44doesn't just ruin your chance at
48. 1:46employment, it can mess up your DNA,
49. 1:48causing mutations that slow cell repair.
50. 1:50But if you're constantly binge drinking,
51. 1:52you're more susceptible to drunk
52. 1:53driving, overdosing, and suicide, which
53. 1:56would end the cancer speedrun on a
54. 1:57technicality. I suggest going easy on
55. 2:00alcohol if you're going for a pure
56. 2:02cancer build and focus on other
57. 2:04carcinogens to make up the difference.
58. 2:06For example, processed meats are a great
59. 2:08alternative. In 2015, the World Health
60. 2:11Organization classified processed meats
61. 2:13as a group one carcinogen. That puts hot
62. 2:15dogs on the same list as cigarettes and
63. 2:18uranium, which are the three things a
64. 2:20growing boy needs. Bacon, ham, and deli
65. 2:22meats are coated with preservatives that
66. 2:24turn into nitroamines when cooked. And
67. 2:26because that word has a bunch of
68. 2:28syllables, it's considered a carcinogen.
69. 2:30With that being said, make sure you are
70. 2:32eating as much gas station food as
71. 2:34possible while supplementing soilent and
72. 2:36vegetables with red 40 Mountain Dew.
73. 2:38Preparing a poor diet without exercise
74. 2:40will drastically increase your risk of
75. 2:42cancer, but you were probably already
76. 2:44doing that. But if you want to make your
77. 2:46situation way worse, doctors recommend
78. 2:50playing ranked Counterstrike and eating
79. 2:51chicken nuggets all day. Your body will
80. 2:54become a beautiful fertile garden in
81. 2:56which the only thing that grows is
82. 2:58tumors. More fat cells means more
83. 3:00estrogen means more inflammatory
84. 3:02chemicals that can develop into breast,
85. 3:04pancreatic, and colon cancer.
86. 3:06Non-processed meats can still be
87. 3:07carcinogenic if you fry, smoke, or char
88. 3:10them since they'll contain polyocyic
89. 3:12aromatic hydrocarbons and heterosyic
90. 3:15amines. That's over 19 syllables. Uh
91. 3:18well, well, at least your drinking
92. 3:20water's safe.
93. 3:22The great people over at DuPont made a
94. 3:25beautiful product called Teflon that can
95. 3:27be found everywhere, even in your own
96. 3:29blood. Coincidentally, Teflon is known
97. 3:31to cause cancer and was thrown into
98. 3:33every product, including water. possibly
99. 3:35as a joke. Now, this kind of upset the
100. 3:38entire world. So, they did a rebrand to
101. 3:40PFOA, which also caused cancer. And now
102. 3:43they're on their third rebrand, Gen X.
103. 3:46New name, same cancer. There's hundreds
104. 3:48of mega corporations rapidly diluting
105. 3:50our food, water, and air with chemicals.
106. 3:53I suggest moving to an area around one
107. 3:55of these chemical manufacturers to
108. 3:57ensure you're getting the most
109. 3:58contaminated water as possible.
110. 4:01Whoa. Better yet, work at one of these
111. 4:04factories. That way, you can inhale as
112. 4:06many horrible fumes as you want.
113. 4:08Blending water with plastic can make a
114. 4:10fantastic microlastic cocktail. And if
115. 4:13you can't afford a blender, don't worry.
116. 4:15Our entire water supply is already
117. 4:18irreversibly filled with microlastics
118. 4:20and forever chemicals that have made
119. 4:22their way into our bloodstream. While
120. 4:23you might think our world has only
121. 4:25recently become a fish tank loaded with
122. 4:27carcinogens, it's been this way for over
123. 4:29a century. The 1900s introduced amazing
124. 4:32products like leaded gasoline, X-ray
125. 4:34machines for fitting shoes, and Adam
126. 4:36Sandler. Oh, and asbestous, which was
127. 4:38practically seasoning back then.
128. 4:40>> Hey, sweetheart. The the steak's pretty
129. 4:42dry and and awful, frankly. Also, I hate
130. 4:45you. Can you pass the asbestous? Oh,
131. 4:48honey, you can get it yourself if you
132. 4:51It's next to the X-ray machine. Hi, Dad.
133. 4:55X-rays pass through soft tissues but get
134. 4:57absorbed by dense materials like your
135. 4:59bones. But they can also knock electrons
136. 5:01off of atoms in a process called
137. 5:03ionization. This creates charged
138. 5:05particles that can wreck havoc inside
139. 5:07your cells. Even nonionized waves can
140. 5:09cause problems. For example, the sun
141. 5:11blasts UV rays at our skin that excites
142. 5:14electrons and breaks down chemical
143. 5:16bonds. So throw away your sunscreen and
144. 5:18head on down to your nearest nude beach.
145. 5:20For any aspiring super villains out
146. 5:22there, you could simply destroy the
147. 5:24electromagnettosphere that protects
148. 5:26Earth from cosmic rays. This can only be
149. 5:29done if you cool down the Earth's core,
150. 5:31which generates the magneettosphere. You
151. 5:33could do this by either pumping
152. 5:34trillions of gallons of liquid nitrogen
153. 5:36into the core or crashing a planet into
154. 5:38the Earth.
155. 5:41You could also just move to a planet
156. 5:43without an electromagneettosphere like
157. 5:45Venus or Mars, but that that's a little
158. 5:47less fun. I know a lot of you guys
159. 5:49aren't big fans of the sun. It's too
160. 5:51bright and it's kind of condescending.
161. 5:52So, tanning booths can be used instead
162. 5:54here. They actually emit 15 times more
163. 5:57UV radiation than the sun. Now, I
164. 5:59typically don't care for
165. 6:00microtransactions like this, but if
166. 6:02you're really committed to cancer
167. 6:04maxing, it's kind of worth the
168. 6:05investment. Let's move on to some
169. 6:07heavier stuff. Specifically, the
170. 6:09heaviest elements in the periodic table.
171. 6:11These guys are bad news and are
172. 6:13radioactive because they have no stable
173. 6:15isotopes. Think of them like
174. 6:1612-year-olds. High energy,
175. 6:18unpredictable, and likely to explode if
176. 6:21left unsupervised. Take plutonium for
177. 6:23example. It's one of the most deadly
178. 6:24elements on Earth. Hanging out with
179. 6:26plutonium for seconds is worse than
180. 6:28chain smoking inside a tanning bed
181. 6:30stuffed with asbestous. Its nucleus is
182. 6:32too bloated with protons and neutrons to
183. 6:34stay together. And like your
184. 6:36ex-girlfriend, it doesn't want to exist.
185. 6:38So, it makes sure everyone around them
186. 6:40suffers. But if you really want to max
187. 6:42out on radiation, I got to recommend
188. 6:44gamma rays. They're way more harmful
189. 6:46than any other ray, and you can access
190. 6:48gamma rays from nuclear bombs or take a
191. 6:51bite out of Chernobyl's elephant's foot.
192. 6:53This doesn't even look like an
193. 6:54elephant's foot.
194. 6:58Chernobyl's elephant's foot is
195. 7:00considered the most radioactive place on
196. 7:02Earth. It's a mass of melted nuclear
197. 7:04fuel formed during the meltdown. It
198. 7:06originally emitted over 10,000 redkins
199. 7:08per hour, enough to kill someone within
200. 7:10minutes. For context, that would
201. 7:12probably kill an elephant within at
202. 7:14least 5 to 10 minutes. To this day, it's
203. 7:16still hot and glows in the dark a bit.
204. 7:18While most elephants feet weigh about
205. 7:20100 lb, the one in Chernobyl weighs
206. 7:22almost 4 million lb. But to be exposed
207. 7:25to the most gamma rays, you'll need to
208. 7:28visit a black holes accretion disc.
209. 7:30We're running a little low on time and
210. 7:32all these tumors are making it extremely
211. 7:35hard to talk. So long friend of the
212. 7:37channel Ellie Andrews and his little
213. 7:39buddy St. Aiden wrote a rap to cover
214. 7:41everything else.
215. 7:49>> I chanced
216. 7:56fine wood dust in your nose and throat.
217. 7:58Put popcorn butter on your burnt ass
218. 8:00toast. Use hair dyed top from alahhide
219. 8:02makeup. Fire the stove a well done stick
220. 8:05up fall to the floor. Quick lick the
221. 8:07vinyl. If you're really on a mission and
222. 8:08it isn't survival. If it's laundry day,
223. 8:10do a laundry week and each time h bleach
224. 8:13snip dry a sheet. Light a scented candle
225. 8:15for the sweet benzines. Put your head by
226. 8:17a dick sauce and breathe. Sunny days try
227. 8:20to spend outside without sunscreen but
228. 8:22bug spray fine. do all of the above and
229. 8:24it won't be observable till the calls
230. 8:26back and it tells you it's terminal. No
231. 8:34heat.
232. 8:40[Music]