How to Rewire the Beliefs Controlling Your Life — Transcript

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1. 0:00What actually controls everything we do,
2. 0:03every thought we think, every emotion we
3. 0:05feel, every action we take?
4. 0:09Two things. Your beliefs and your
5. 0:12values. Everything you think, everything
6. 0:15you do, everything you feel is
7. 0:16controlled by your beliefs and your
8. 0:18values. What is a belief? If you say I'm
9. 0:22a loser, and you believe that,
10. 0:23absolutely, of course, you'll live that
11. 0:25way. I'm a winner. I'm a lover. I'm a
12. 0:27friend. Your identity beliefs are your
13. 0:28strongest beliefs. So beliefs are
14. 0:30feelings of certainty. Because you
15. 0:32believe it doesn't mean it's true. It
16. 0:33just means you're certain. And certainty
17. 0:35can created by repetition, intensity,
18. 0:38listening to the wrong people. And all
19. 0:40of us have beliefs that empower us and
20. 0:42beliefs that disempower us. We're going
21. 0:43to uncover which ones are which here and
22. 0:45make a real shift. Now, one thing I want
23. 0:47you to understand though is some people
24. 0:48thought, "What? I can't change it. I
25. 0:49don't know how to change it." Let me
26. 0:51explain something to you. How is never a
27. 0:53question. The problem is people look for
28. 0:56how. And if you've never done something
29. 0:57before successfully, you will feel
30. 0:59uncertain. And even if you have a how,
31. 1:02you won't execute it. So you want to
32. 1:04avoid, I said the other day, the tyranny
33. 1:06of how. Well, you want to focus on what
34. 1:08is you want. And here's what I can tell
35. 1:09you beyond a shadow of a doubt. Change
36. 1:11is never a matter of ability. It's
37. 1:13always a matter of reasons. Change is
38. 1:16never a matter of ability. Anyone can
39. 1:18change. If you have strong enough
40. 1:20reasons, do you have a strong enough
41. 1:21motive? Do you have the motivation to
42. 1:23change, per se? So you have to find the
43. 1:25right reasons to get someone to change.
44. 1:26The process I'm going to take you
45. 1:28through came about because I was doing
46. 1:30an event about 35 years ago actually
47. 1:33here in LA, believe it or not. And I was
48. 1:36on stage and during the break several
49. 1:38people came up and asked me questions.
50. 1:40And one of the questions I kept hearing
51. 1:42from different people was, "Can you
52. 1:44change someone who doesn't want to
53. 1:47change?" Yes or no. Quick. Of course you
54. 1:50can. The answer is yes. All it takes to
55. 1:52change someone is find the right amount
56. 1:53of what?
57. 1:55If you can make change a must for them,
58. 1:58not a must for you. People change how
59. 2:00fast, my friends? How fast? In a
60. 2:02heartbeat. Cuz change is not a matter of
61. 2:04both. You can change in a heartbeat. And
62. 2:06you learned yesterday in order to create
63. 2:08change, you got to get what? Leverage.
64. 2:10Enough reasons to push it over the edge.
65. 2:12And then you got to interrupt the old
66. 2:14pattern and you got to create a new one
67. 2:16and then reinforce it till it's
68. 2:17automatic. And then you have a new way
69. 2:19of looping. All it takes is the right
70. 2:20leverage. All it takes is associating
71. 2:23enough pain to something and you will
72. 2:25avoid it.
73. 2:26Everything human beings do is based on
74. 2:29what we call their neuroassociations.
75. 2:31It's big words. It just means what you
76. 2:32associate to things in your nervous
77. 2:34system, not your intellect.
78. 2:36Intellectually, you know you shouldn't
79. 2:37have the chocolate, but if you have
80. 2:38pleasure for it, you're still going to
81. 2:40go for it. Intellectually, you know you
82. 2:42should do something, but you don't.
83. 2:43Intellectually, you know you shouldn't
84. 2:44do other things, but you do them anyway.
85. 2:46If you link enough pain to something,
86. 2:48you're going to avoid it. It takes no
87. 2:49willpower. If you think enough pleasure,
88. 2:50you're going to go for it, even if it's
89. 2:52not good for you. So, of course, you can
90. 2:53change someone who doesn't want to
91. 2:54change. But after I gave the answer that
92. 2:57day, I went home that night. So, to slow
93. 2:58down, I usually turn on some white noise
94. 3:00in the background, some old movie or
95. 3:02news or something, and I'm flipping
96. 3:04around looking for CNN or something, and
97. 3:05I come across this black and white old
98. 3:07movie that I recognize from my
99. 3:09childhood, and it's The Christmas Carol.
100. 3:11And I realize as I start to watch it,
101. 3:13all day I've been talking about changing
102. 3:15your neuro associations. If we change
103. 3:17what you say so pain and pleasure to
104. 3:19will change your behavior instantly. And
105. 3:21I watched this guy that didn't want to
106. 3:23change. In fact, he's certain that the
107. 3:26way he is is the way that is best. And
108. 3:29his way is I don't care about anyone but
109. 3:31myself. All I care about is money and
110. 3:33success. And I want it all for me. And
111. 3:35I'm not sharing any of it.
112. 3:38Why? He got hurt. He had a best friend.
113. 3:41There was his partner. Some problems
114. 3:43happened and then he died. And so he
115. 3:45linked being close to people, being
116. 3:47generous equals pain. And so his brain
117. 3:49said, "Never again." Now, by the way, we
118. 3:52do this, too. How many have ever had an
119. 3:54incredibly passionate relationship
120. 3:55totally over head over heels in love?
121. 3:57It's the most incredible feeling in the
122. 3:59world. But if it suddenly ended harshly,
123. 4:01your brain experiences more pain than if
124. 4:03you hadn't have it. So some people say,
125. 4:04"I'll never love again." But of course,
126. 4:07your nervous system needs it. Wants it.
127. 4:09Your soul needs it. See, when it's only
128. 4:11pain, you avoid it. When it's only
129. 4:12pleasure, you go towards it. But what do
130. 4:13you do when it's mixed? You're going to
131. 4:16have this inner conflict because your
132. 4:17whole nervous system wants to have love.
133. 4:20But the wall that protects us is the
134. 4:21wall again that imprisons us. So we have
135. 4:23to learn to change under association. So
136. 4:24I'm watching this movie and I'm thinking
137. 4:26this man is certain. He doesn't just
138. 4:29believe, he has conviction that the way
139. 4:30he lives is perfect and he's not
140. 4:32changing, but he changes very quickly.
141. 4:34How does it happen? Three neuroscive
142. 4:37conditioning specialists show up at his
143. 4:38house.
144. 4:41three special ghosts that understand how
145. 4:43to change neur associations.
146. 4:45And the first one takes him and takes
147. 4:47him into his what? Past. And he gets him
148. 4:50to feel all the pain he has by being not
149. 4:54generous, not loving, not connected,
150. 4:56only focus on himself.
151. 4:57>> I'd rather not.
152. 4:58>> Have you ever noticed someone can be
153. 5:00told you got to stop smoking, you got
154. 5:02lung cancer, you're going to die, and
155. 5:05there are many people that will still
156. 5:06keep smoking. How could they do that?
157. 5:08Because if you have pain in the moment,
158. 5:11our brains have the ability to escape
159. 5:13the pain that would give us leverage to
160. 5:14change by changing time zones. Go. I
161. 5:17smoked in the past and I was okay. Or
162. 5:19the future. I know somebody lived to be
163. 5:2292 and smoked cigars his entire life,
164. 5:24but you forget the facts. I'll give you
165. 5:26an example. How many of you in this room
166. 5:28have ever stayed in a relationship way
167. 5:31too long?
168. 5:33Say I.
169. 5:35Why did you stay? because it's what you
170. 5:38know changing could be even more
171. 5:40uncertainty. At least I know what this
172. 5:42is. So notice if you stayed in that
173. 5:44relationship until what? How many of you
174. 5:47had a day when finally you ended it
175. 5:49because your brain went it's been
176. 5:51painful IN THE PAST. IT'S painful now.
177. 5:53It'll be more pain IN THE FUTURE. I'M
178. 5:55OUT OF HERE. That's what you're going to
179. 5:56do to your beliefs today. Cuz what
180. 5:58Scrooge did, he didn't do it was done to
181. 6:00him. All of a sudden these little ghost
182. 6:02angels come by and he get massive pain
183. 6:04in the past so much he can't handle it.
184. 6:06And then he tries to escape back to the
185. 6:08present and they bring him the present
186. 6:09and he feels all the pain. Then he tries
187. 6:11to go to the future and it's even more
188. 6:12painful. And right at the edge where
189. 6:13he's dying and he can't take it, he gets
190. 6:16realizes he has a new choice. He's got
191. 6:18one choice and he wakes up and makes it
192. 6:20and changes his whole life in a
193. 6:22heartbeat. That's why I call it the
194. 6:23Dickens process.
195. 6:25You all know what a belief is. Let's so
196. 6:27let's start with values. What's a value?
197. 6:29A value is something that you think is
198. 6:31most important for you to experience. We
199. 6:34also value certain things we want to
200. 6:35avoid. We call those away from values,
201. 6:37the things we know are most important to
202. 6:39avoid. Now, what does that mean? Well,
203. 6:42there's certain emotions that we want to
204. 6:44experience more of because they're so
205. 6:45darn pleasurable. There are certain
206. 6:47emotions we want to avoid at all costs
207. 6:48cuz they're so painful. When you ask
208. 6:50people what's most important to them,
209. 6:52they might say my car or my family.
210. 6:55Well, your car is a vehicle. So is your
211. 6:57family. Meaning, it's something you
212. 6:59value to get to your deeper value, which
213. 7:01is an emotional state. If I said, "What
214. 7:03do you value about your family?" You
215. 7:04might say, "Love, connection,
216. 7:06spirituality, intimacy." Those are
217. 7:08feelings. The kind of values I'm looking
218. 7:10for are the ones that actually control
219. 7:12you, which are the emotions you're
220. 7:14after. So, I'm after what we call your
221. 7:16ends values. Your ends values are the
222. 7:18emotions you're trying to get through
223. 7:20all your vehicles. Whether the vehicle
224. 7:21was money, whether the vehicle was
225. 7:23family, whether the vehicle was your
226. 7:24car, whether the vehicle was anything
227. 7:25else. Let's make a list as a quick
228. 7:27example. Tell me some emotional states
229. 7:30that are really important for you to
230. 7:31feel that you want to experience regular
231. 7:33that you value immensely. I just want
232. 7:35you to notice this list for a second.
233. 7:36Success, love, joy, peace, adventure,
234. 7:38security, passion, gratitude. Okay. How
235. 7:40many of you in this room value all those
236. 7:44emotional states? But do you value them
237. 7:46equally? Yes or no? And the fact that
238. 7:49you don't value them equally is why you
239. 7:50make decisions differently than the
240. 7:52person next to you, even if they're your
241. 7:53friend. Our beliefs and values control
242. 7:55everything. where you're sitting in the
243. 7:56room is based on your values. What
244. 7:58you're wearing right now is based on
245. 8:00your values and beliefs and it affects
246. 8:02the way you make decisions. Do you think
247. 8:04somebody who values, let's say, peace
248. 8:06the most is going to make the same
249. 8:08decision as someone who values success
250. 8:10the most? What if you got someone whose
251. 8:12number one value is adventure versus
252. 8:14someone whose number one value is
253. 8:15security? Are they going to drive their
254. 8:17car the same way? Are they going to want
255. 8:19to go on the same kind of vacation? Are
256. 8:22they going to raise kids the same way?
257. 8:25What if they're married? You go, "No,
258. 8:27Tony. Come on. That never happens." Cuz
259. 8:29as soon as you're with someone and you
260. 8:31feel chemistry, the first thing we ALL
261. 8:33DO IS GO, "STOP." BEFORE I GO ANY
262. 8:36FURTHER, show me your list of values in
263. 8:38order so I know we're aligned.
264. 8:42No. What happens? Chemistry takes over
265. 8:44and you think they're just like me or
266. 8:47just like how I would like to.
267. 8:50And one day you wake up and go, "Who the
268. 8:52are you?" Right? Right? Cuz people
269. 8:55don't understand what's going on. Most
270. 8:57of the conflicts my relationships end
271. 8:59are about values. They value things
272. 9:01differently in a different way or they
273. 9:02have different beliefs about a me to
274. 9:04value, which we'll talk about in a
275. 9:05moment. Okay. By the way, I got an
276. 9:07interesting question for you. Let's
277. 9:08circle adventure and security for a
278. 9:10second. It's just a simple example. What
279. 9:12do you think would happen if you could
280. 9:14take someone whose number one value was
281. 9:16security and the last thing on their
282. 9:17list was adventure and you could swap
283. 9:19them not intellectually in their body
284. 9:22where all of a sudden adventure is the
285. 9:23thing they wanted the most on earth and
286. 9:25security the least would it change their
287. 9:27life a smidge
288. 9:30or completely which one quick
289. 9:33so when I first figured this out I
290. 9:35figured how to establish people's values
291. 9:37I I was showing people how to live their
292. 9:39values then one day I figured out holy
293. 9:41There would be nothing more profound
294. 9:44because if adventure is your highest
295. 9:46value, you're going to see and hear and
296. 9:47experience life totally different than
297. 9:48the security is. But who the f am I to
298. 9:51tell you what should be at the top of
299. 9:52your list? I don't. But the reason I
300. 9:55created Date with Destiny is so people
301. 9:57can make those changes.