How to Rebuild Self-Identity After Years of Shame — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00What comes out of this shame, this maskearing,  this peopleleasing is such a common problem for
2. 0:08most people with complex trauma and that is  they don't know who they are. I have had so
3. 0:13many clients say to me, Tim, I'm 50 years old.  I don't have a clue who I am. I have spent all
4. 0:20my life fawning, wearing masks, adopting roles,  being a chameleon. I don't have a clue who I am.
5. 0:30So that is a huge challenge for people in  recovery. So let me just take that characteristic
6. 0:38and kind of go to what do I do about it? What's  the path forward in recovery to get to know who I
7. 0:47am? Because that's really what we want to come out  of these understanding these characteristics is
8. 0:55yeah that's an issue to be 50 years old and don't  have a clue who you are. How do I change that? So
9. 1:02what I want you to think about is this. The child  who's in complex trauma, they're wearing masks,
10. 1:09they're fawning, but more than that they're in  survival mode. And when a child's in survival
11. 1:16mode, the focus of their brain is surviving.  It's not exploring. It's not having fun. It's
12. 1:25not going, "Oh, I wonder what I like. It's how  do I not get hurt? How do I get my needs met?"
13. 1:32So when it comes to the other thing for many  children in complex trauma is they were expected
14. 1:39to conform to being the hero child, being the  invisible child, being on a path to becoming a
15. 1:45doctor or lawyer to to kind of fit the the the  roles that the and jobs that the parents had
16. 1:52decided the child should have. So if they decided  to pursue their interests or their passions,
17. 2:00they got shut down for that. They got criticized  for that, shamed for that. So they weren't allowed
18. 2:06to explore, they weren't allowed to pursue  their passions on top of having to fawn and
19. 2:11be a chameleon. So how does a child normally in a  safe healthy environment get to know who they are?
20. 2:22And so this is so important to understand in  recovery. You first have to have safe people who
21. 2:27aren't going to judge you. A safe environment.  What does a child do in that safe environment?
22. 2:33They play. They explore. They're curious. And  they try hundreds of different things. All kinds
23. 2:39of sports, all kinds of hobbies, all kinds of  different interests. One day they want to be a
24. 2:44doctor. One day they want to be a fireman.  One day they want to be a hockey player.
25. 2:48They are trying all kinds of different things. As  they do that without fear of judgment, they don't
26. 2:55even see failure as a problem. That's just part of  all of this. They get to realize what I'm good at,
27. 3:00what my talents are, what my skills are, what  connects to my deepest passions, what connects
28. 3:06to a life purpose that I want that I didn't even  know I had. And out of that, they begin to know
29. 3:15who they are. But think about that. That can  take 20 years. So if you come into recovery and
30. 3:23you don't have a clue who you are, don't expect  that you're going to figure it out in a week or
31. 3:29a month. Give yourself lots of time to figure it  out. But then with safe people and a safe non-jud
32. 3:38judgmental environment, begin to explore all kinds  of hobbies, all kinds of interests. Find out what
33. 3:45you're good at. Find out what your passion is.  So most people after they go through our program,
34. 3:53they begin to have a a vague sense of who their  authentic self is. It's kind of a fuzzy, blurry
35. 4:00image, but they're starting to get a vague sense.  Over the next years, they begin to try different
36. 4:07things. They volunteer in different places. They  try different hobbies. and they get a clearer and
37. 4:13clearer picture. One of the things that helps  many people is they can take a personality
38. 4:19test. They start to read different books that  help people understand some of their desires,
39. 4:25some of their talents, and they begin to get a  clearer and clearer picture of who they are. So,
40. 4:32don't beat yourself up that you might be  50 and don't know yourself. Just go, okay,
41. 4:38this is where I'm at now. I'm going to give my  p self permission to be a child and to begin
42. 4:44to explore and to begin to try all kinds of  different hobbies. Now, for a lot of people,
43. 4:49this triggers another part of complex trauma,  which we're going to get to later, and that is
44. 4:55fear of failure. So, they start a new hobby and  they go, I need to do it perfectly the first time,
45. 5:01but they can't. They're uncoordinated. They make  mistakes. It's it's kind of awkward. And they go,
46. 5:07oh, I I quit. No, get through that. Get past  that fear of failure. It takes time to learn
47. 5:15and that's a gradual process where things aren't  perfect the first time. Then you start to get a
48. 5:21clearer clearer picture of who you are. And  once you do that clear clarifying sense of
49. 5:29self-identity as your shame is also healing is  so wonderful. Something inside changes. Something
50. 5:39inside feels lighter. There's a light there now  that wasn't there before. Okay, let's go to the
51. 5:46next characteristic that comes out of shame. And  that is people with shame tend to judge themsel
52. 5:54harshly. They tend to be very hard on themsel. So  if you were to get inside their brain on any given
53. 6:02day, you would hear hundreds of messages in their  brain that are criticizing everything they do,
54. 6:10that are putting themsel down in every situation.  And if they fail, then they beat themsel up
55. 6:19royally. Part of that is a belief that that's  how you motivate somebody to improve is you
56. 6:26put them down. that comes out of their parenting.  Also, part of that comes out of if I fail, then I
57. 6:34need to serve the time. Justice needs to be done.  I need to be punished for my crime and I can't be
58. 6:41let out of jail till I've served the time, which  is I got to beat myself down for a couple days.
59. 6:49So if we go back to our diagram, what you have  with you hide the true self, you create these
60. 6:56personas, then you have this internal critic.  Now the internal critic is actually doing two
61. 7:04things. He is criticizing everything that you  do because it doesn't match the ideal self. Oh,
62. 7:12you could be better. You could have been done  that better. If only you had like this. So it's
63. 7:18constantly comparing the persona to the ideal  self and constant failure. So constant criticism,
64. 7:27but it's also being critical by saying you're  fake. This is a false persona. This is not the
65. 7:35true you. You have impostor syndrome. If people  knew the true you, they would never love you.
66. 7:44And so this internal critic has constant fodder  to feed the mill that basically says you're phony
67. 7:53and everything you do is never good enough. And so  this internal critic for most people with complex
68. 8:00trauma is very loud. It's very constant. And it  just constantly feeds shame. It constantly makes
69. 8:09them feel even worse. it constantly seems  to confirm that negative identity that they
70. 8:16aren't good enough and so it becomes this loop  that just feeds off itself. Now let me take you
71. 8:24back to where some of this began. So what happens  for many children in complex trauma is they have
72. 8:33parents who neglect them or they're critical. They  abuse them. They're negative. They find fault.
73. 8:40whatever the child does doesn't seem to be  good enough. They're constantly sending verbal
74. 8:46and nonverbal negative messages to the child. So  what is happening in the child's brain is they're
75. 8:55absorbing those messages. They're believing those  messages and they're developing an internal parent
76. 9:02in their brain. the IP that is basically pariting  what their actual parents say and how they act
77. 9:13toward them. That's basically shame. And so that  internal parent just expresses the shame belief.
78. 9:23But then there's another piece to this and that  is this usually happens gradually. So let me give
79. 9:29you an example. So the child is crying and parents  get frustrated with the crying and saying big boys
80. 9:37don't cry that's so weak go to your room and don't  come out to you stop crying or if you're going to
81. 9:42keep crying I'm going to punish you for give you  something to cry about and so all of a sudden
82. 9:46crying to them is such a weakness it causes them  to get hurt and punished and shamed and so they
83. 9:54hate that weak part of themsel that they're so  that they cry so much that they're so sensitive
84. 10:00And so now they go, I hate this part of myself.  Let's lock it away. Then they get told they're
85. 10:09too fat. I hate that I I'm fat. I I hate my body.  Then they get told that they're too angry. I hate
86. 10:19that I'm too angry. Then they get told they're  too sensitive. I hate that I'm too sensitive. So
87. 10:25gradually piece by piece of their personality they  develop a greater negativity towards it. So now
88. 10:34they hate their body, they hate their personality,  they hate their emotions, they hate their skills,
89. 10:39and they're trying to hide more and more of  themsel and replace it with a mass that they
90. 10:46think will gain them acceptance. But there's more  and more of themsself that they don't like. So
91. 10:55shame just has grown gradually through childhood.  But also the internal parent has found more and
92. 11:04more things to be negative about in themsself and  that is what has happened inside a child. What is
93. 11:13so important to understand moving forward is there  have been a whole bunch of tests that have been
94. 11:18done to basically figure out what is it that is  the best longlasting motivation that brings about
95. 11:27longlasting change and growth in people for people  from complex trauma they thought it would be
96. 11:34critical shame the person and what they found is  that that brought about some shortterm improvement
97. 11:42But if they kept getting criticized, if they kept  getting shamed, after a while it actually made
98. 11:48things worse. The child gave up growing. They  felt hopeless. What brought about longlasting
99. 11:57growth and healing and change? Self-compassion.  What I want you to understand is what is actually
100. 12:06needed to grow is the exact opposite remedy that  shame has produced. Shame has produced shame and
101. 12:15criticize and be hard on yourself when the actual  remedy, the actual healthy solution is be kind to
102. 12:23yourself. To a person who's always been hard on  themsself, that feels wrong. That feels weak. that
103. 12:29feels like how can that produce any good results.  So you have to work through what feels very
104. 12:37wrong. It feels weird. It feels awkward. It feels  like you're being soft. But that is the path to
105. 12:45healing. The next one and that is shame basically  says I don't have value. So I don't want to feel
106. 12:55that way. I want to feel valued. I want others  to value me. So I must gain value somehow. I
107. 13:05don't feel I have it inherently. I must earn it. I  must gain it through externals. So let me show how
108. 13:15this develops with shame. So what a what a child  then will do is look for ways that cause them to
109. 13:24feel they have value. So they compare themselves  to others and they find kind of an arena where
110. 13:32they seem to compete better based on kind of  what culture values. So if they're very pretty
111. 13:39and they go, "Wow, I'm prettier than everybody  in this class." And culture values prettiness,
112. 13:45then that's what gives me value is my prettiness.  And then if they get validated from others that
113. 13:52wow you're pretty then they go the whole basis of  my value now is my prettiness my beauty or then
114. 14:03as they develop my body or how good I am in bed my  ability sexually that's what gives me value or my
115. 14:13brains I'm smarter than everybody I get awards I  get recognized So everything is on my ability to
116. 14:22use my brains. That's what gives me value. Or I  am very talented in sports. I'm very talented in
117. 14:31music. I'm very talented in acting. So everybody's  validating that they're respecting me because of
118. 14:38my talent. So my talent is what gives me value  or my accomplishments. I am a hard worker. I can
119. 14:48produce a lot of positive things and accomplish  a lot of stuff and people respect me for that
120. 14:55and like me for that. So my accomplishments based  on my constant hard work is what gives me value
121. 15:04or if I get positions where I have power then I  have value. So I need to work towards significant
122. 15:14positions or if I have lots of possessions that  must prove that I'm significant. So I need big
123. 15:23house, big car, lots of toys. That's what's going  to give me possessions. or I'm going to be part
124. 15:31of a culture or religion that says if you act a  certain way that's proper, that's sophisticated,
125. 15:40that's spiritual, then you're going to get  respected, then you're going to be better
126. 15:45than everybody else. All of those it's trying to  gain value and therefore solve shame. Some people
127. 15:55though go to the other extreme and they go, "Well,  I can't compete in the brains. I can't compete in
128. 16:00the body. I can't compete in the possessions,  but I'm going to be the baddest of the bad and
129. 16:05that's going to get me respect from certain  people. That's where my value will come from."
130. 16:15So they're trying to solve shame by gaining all  of their value through externals since they don't
131. 16:24feel they have anything internally. And it's all  based on comparing themsel with others. But do
132. 16:34you realize what comes out of that? What happens  if a prettier girl comes to school? Now I feel
133. 16:40insecure. Now I see that person as the enemy,  as a threat. Now I must prove that I'm prettier
134. 16:47than them. Now I must put them down somehow to  reestablish that I'm superior, my dominance. Now I
135. 16:56must always point out the flaws in others. It sets  up an unsafe society. It sets up a deep insecurity
136. 17:06and always needing to prove something all the  time. The next thing that happens for a lot of
137. 17:13children in complex trauma is they head down a  direction of gaining value based on the first
138. 17:19thing that their parents or relatives or friends  validated about them. So if they were told they
139. 17:26were funny, oh you're so funny, all of a sudden  they're heading down that road and that's my sense
140. 17:32of value. That's where it comes from. So I'm going  to be the funniest around. I'm going to be funny
141. 17:38all the time. Or if they got told, "You're so  pretty." And that was constantly the focus every
142. 17:44time people met them. Wow, you're so pretty.  Then that became the focus of their life. Then
143. 17:51other children, every time they help somebody, oh,  you're such a helpful person. And then the people
144. 17:58that they help, they go, oh, thank you so much.  You're such a wonderful person. And so now their
145. 18:03value comes from helping people. others. You're  so sacrificing. You're always giving. You You
146. 18:12never make demands. You never express your needs.  You never push. You just give, give, give. Wow,
147. 18:18you are just a saint. They go, "Wow, okay, then  I'm going to never have needs. I'm just going
148. 18:24to give and sacrifice constantly because that's  what gives me my value." or others all of a sudden
149. 18:33seemed to realize that they gained value every  time they were sick. So mom and dad neglected them
150. 18:39nor normally, but when they were sick or they had  a problem, mom and dad came rushing in, gave them
151. 18:45all kinds of attention. All of a sudden, they were  super valuable. So if they're in pain, if they're
152. 18:50sick, if they're in need, that's the way to gain  value. Many, as soon as they got a job, then they
153. 18:58got status. They got money. They got recognition.  People noticed them. So their whole value came
154. 19:06from their career. Problem is when they lose their  career, when they retire, then who am I? Where
155. 19:12does my value come from? So what comes out of all  of these things? What I'm wanting you to see is
156. 19:18in a healthy home, a child is able to be a human  being. Their value comes from just being. It's
157. 19:25inherent. Complex trauma. You have to come become  a human doer. All your value comes from externals
158. 19:33by you doing something. That is the wrong way  to approach value. But that is what they think
159. 19:40is their only option. Let me add a couple others.  Some people lived with shame for so long and then
160. 19:48they become a parent and all of a sudden they have  a little life that adores them, a little life that
161. 19:56wants them, a little life that they feel such love  for. They realize this child is totally dependent
162. 20:03on them and that gives them a sense of value. And  so the solution in their brain is I need to be a
163. 20:10parent. I always have to have my child dependent  on me. I need to create a relationship with my
164. 20:18child where they're not actually allowed to grow  up and become independent of me. They always need
165. 20:24to depend on me in some way. And then others,  they just go, I need validation. I need others
166. 20:35to notice me. That will give me a sense of some  value. So they begin to pursue the spotlight to
167. 20:43try to get others to notice them. They begin to  tell sensational stories. They whenever anybody
168. 20:50shares something with them, they share a one-up  story to try to look a little bit more impressive
169. 20:55than everybody else. They tell you regularly  about all of their accomplishments, just hoping
170. 21:02people go, "Wow, you're impressive." They're  longing for value. Let me add one final one
171. 21:10that comes out of shame and that is they isolate  and build walls. So the ultimate way to hide shame
172. 21:19to hide my authentic self is to isolate. But  to understand isolation there's geographical
173. 21:27isolation and there's internal isolation through  building walls around your heart. So some people
174. 21:34go to geographical isolation. They withdraw from  people. They convince themsel that they don't need
175. 21:40anybody and they kind of live all by themsel  alone, self-sufficient and really don't have
176. 21:47relationships. So, some go that route, but at most  they go to building walls around their heart. And
177. 21:56these can be people who have tons of superficial  friends. They're very sociable. They can be the
178. 22:02life of the party. They they're just constantly  surrounded by people. But nobody's getting close
179. 22:08to them. Nobody's going to get to know the real  them. They're not going to reveal who they really
180. 22:16are to anybody. They're going to let people know  them to a degree, but then they're those people
181. 22:22are going to bump into a wall. Those people  are going to try to get to know them better,
182. 22:26but aren't going to be able to do that. So let me  take this back to develop it a little bit further
183. 22:33because there's another piece that happens with  this isolation. So in complex trauma, one way to
184. 22:40understand it is the child is desperately trying  to connect with mom and dad, but for some reason
185. 22:47they can't have secure attachment with mom and  dad. Mom and dad, neglect them, abuse them,
186. 22:54they're too busy. So there's insecure attachment.  The child concludes, "It's my fault." So,
187. 23:00shame develops. The child then says, "I must hide  my authentic self. I must isolate from people cuz
188. 23:08I'm bad. Anybody gets to know me is going to  reject me. So, I'm going to prevent that from
189. 23:13happening by just isolating from people. That's  going to be the best way to hide." But what then
190. 23:20is happening inside the child because of shame  is I don't even want a relationship with myself.
191. 23:27So it's not just about me avoiding relationships  with others and isolating from them. I don't even
192. 23:33like me. So I'm going to isolate from myself. I'm  going to abandon myself. So mom and dad kind of
193. 23:40abandoned me. That's what it felt like because  they didn't want to connect with me. So if they
194. 23:46didn't want to connect with me and abandon me,  well, I'm going to abandon myself. And so there's
195. 23:52this self-abandonment that begins to happen. And  as a result of that is there's a deep loneliness
196. 24:00that sets in, a deep feeling of not belonging, of  not fitting in. So these people can be in a crowd
197. 24:08where everybody's laughing at their stories, but  they don't feel they belong. They feel very alone.
198. 24:15And what happens for so many people with that  is it leads to addiction. There's such a deep
199. 24:24emptiness, a deep loneliness. They have to  medicate it. They have to try to fill it
200. 24:29with something that makes them feel a little bit  better. And so it leads to addiction. But it leads
201. 24:35to for many to deep depression, to mental health  issues. Because they've abandoned themselves.
202. 24:41There's a deep deep loneliness. So what I  want you to see is this isolation, this deep
203. 24:50loneliness is really about deep shame that came  out of lack of connection. The brain was trying
204. 24:58to prot protect the child from getting hurt. And  so what it thought was just isolate. That's the
205. 25:07best way to protect the child. But it actually  made things worse. What you have to understand
206. 25:17is the brain was trying to protect the child from  unsafe people. To continue to live in isolation
207. 25:26is hurting you. What you are trying to protect  yourself from is unsafe people. But what happen?
208. 25:34What you need is connection with safe people. But  your brain fears anybody I try to connect with,
209. 25:41I'm going to get hurt. And what you have to fight  against is I need connection. It's a key factor
210. 25:48to my healing, to a healthy, meaningful life.  I have to find safe people. It's going to get
211. 25:55scary because I'm I'm going to be afraid this  going to play out like it always has, but it
212. 26:00always was unsafe people. So with safe people,  it should be a different outcome. And I have to
213. 26:06trust that even though I'm feeling fear, if I stay  in continued isolation, it's just going to lead
214. 26:14me to darker and darker places. Thanks for being  with us. Have a great weekend. See you next time.