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How to Master Your Emotions & Never Get Angry or Bothered by Anyone — Transcript

by Mel Robbins · 11,231 words · 2,023 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00Emotions pile up like a debt.
0:03>> They pile up like a debt.
0:05>> And if we don't know how to express them
0:06in ways that are healthy,
0:08what happens?
0:10The debt comes due.
0:11>> Dr. Brackett is the founding director of
0:13the Yale Center for Emotional
0:15Intelligence. He's a professor at the
0:17Child Study Center in the Yale School of
0:19Medicine. Dr. Brackett and his
0:21colleagues at Yale developed an
0:22evidence-based [music]
0:23framework that has been implemented in
0:25more than 5,000 [music] schools and is
0:28used by over 10 million students.
0:31>> Our emotions are guiding us
0:34through the day
0:35and oftentimes we're making a judgment
0:37based on the mood we're in
0:39that's not necessarily the best
0:40judgment.
0:41>> Do you ever hit send on [music] a text
0:42you know is going to start something,
0:46but you do it anyway? Or what about when
0:48you talk yourself out of a great date,
0:51or a great job, or fun night out with
0:53your friends because you just get up in
0:55your head and you get all negative?
0:56[music] It's like an emotional tsunami.
1:00And you completely lose control of how
1:02you react and how you feel.
1:04>> Emotional intelligence is a set of
1:05skills
1:06that helps us to use our emotions wisely
1:09to achieve our goals in life.
1:10>> Where does negative self-talk come from?
1:12>> Our negative self-talk starts early and
1:15it doesn't come from within.
1:17It comes from without.
1:19I wake up every single morning with a
1:21mindset that today is the first day of
1:23the rest of [music] my life. I mean, I
1:24just think we have to have that mindset
1:26about life.
1:27>> What is the one takeaway that you would
1:30want somebody to walk away with
1:32after listening?
1:33>> I want people to leave
1:36knowing that
1:37>> Okay, before we jump into this
1:39extraordinary episode about emotional
1:42intelligence and how understanding your
1:44emotions is going to change your life
1:46for the better. You're going to love
1:47this. But my team was showing me
1:48something. They brought up a lot of
1:49emotion.
1:5158% of you who watch the Mel Robbins
1:53podcast here on YouTube are not
1:54subscribers.
1:55It would make me feel so supported,
1:58seen, and grateful
2:00if you would subscribe. If that
2:01subscribe button is lit up, it means
2:03you're not a subscriber. Will you help
2:05me achieve my goal of getting that
2:07number to 50%?
2:09It's free. That way you're not going to
2:10miss a thing, and most importantly, it's
2:12one way that you can tell me and the
2:15team here at the Mel Robbins podcast
2:16that you love all the content that we're
2:19putting here on YouTube for free. And
2:21that you also love the experts that are
2:23flying in from around the world today.
2:24We got Dr. Brackett coming in from Yale
2:27for you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you
2:30for hitting subscribe. All right, get
2:31ready. This episode is going to be one
2:33of your all-time favorites. I can just
2:36feel it. So, let's jump into it.
2:38Dr. Mark Brackett, welcome to the Mel
2:41Robbins podcast.
2:42>> I can't believe I'm here.
2:43>> [laughter]
2:44>> I have had you at the top, top, top of
2:47the list for a long time because your
2:49work has made a big difference for me,
2:50particularly as a parent and for myself.
2:54And I would love to have you explain, if
2:56I take everything to heart
2:58that you're about to teach me today,
3:00what is going to change about my
3:02experience of life?
3:04>> I think most importantly is that you're
3:07going to learn how to use your emotions
3:09wisely
3:10to have freedom,
3:12to have good relationships, to have
3:14well-being,
3:15to achieve your goals, and honestly, to
3:18achieve all the dreams you have and want
3:20in life.
3:22>> If I use my emotions wisely?
3:25>> Correct.
3:25>> I can achieve my goals, dreams, and be
3:27happier?
3:28>> 100%.
3:30>> What do you mean by that? Because most
3:32of us feel like emotions are something
3:33we have to endure or overcome or we're
3:35subject to or dictated by.
3:37>> Yeah, that's the problem.
3:39The problem is that we didn't get an
3:40emotion education.
3:42Emotions pile up like a debt.
3:45>> They pile up like a debt.
3:47>> They do. Those strong, unpleasant ones.
3:49And if we don't know how to express them
3:50in ways that are healthy, what happens?
3:54The debt comes due.
3:55It's denial, it's suppression, it's
3:58repression, it's
4:00perfectionism, it's control, it's shame.
4:04>> Mhm.
4:05>> And we need ways to process our
4:07emotions, we need skills to do that, and
4:09we need skills to be able to communicate
4:11them, and we need skills to be able to
4:13manage them effectively. That's the goal
4:14of this work is that emotional
4:17intelligence is a real set of skills
4:19that can help you navigate all emotions
4:23and then apply that knowledge to achieve
4:25your goals in life.
4:27>> How does somebody who's really thinking
4:30about I want what Dr. Brackett's talking
4:33about. I don't want my emotions to run
4:36me over. How do you begin this?
4:38>> It starts with permission to feel.
4:40It always starts going back to the
4:42basics.
4:43>> Okay.
4:43>> So, let me explain some of this
4:44research.
4:45>> Okay.
4:46>> So, a little bit of my background. I
4:48grew up in northern New Jersey, two
4:50parents that love me.
4:52Uh
4:52my father was that tough-it-up kind of
4:54guy, my mother was very anxious, and
4:56neither one of them knew how to deal
4:57with their own emotions, nevertheless
4:58mine.
4:59Unfortunately, I had two older brothers.
5:03And fortunately, I love them, but they
5:04also had their own problems.
5:06And my parents, by the time I was around
5:09six, they were raising me alone, meaning
5:12my brothers had left.
5:14They were desperate, they had a lot of
5:16struggles,
5:17and unfortunately, the person who was my
5:19caretaker was a pedophile.
5:21>> Mhm.
5:22>> And so, from age 5 to 10, I was abused
5:24by my parents' closest friend.
5:26And I never
5:28shared it.
5:29I share this now in my 50s with courage.
5:32I didn't I I suppressed it, denied it
5:35until I was 48 years old. I did not
5:37share it publicly.
5:39And then something magical happened.
5:42I had an uncle named Uncle Marvin.
5:45He was my mother's brother.
5:47He was a band leader by night in the
5:49Catskill Mountains and a sixth grade
5:51teacher by day who by some wave of a
5:53magic wand
5:55was developing a curriculum to teach
5:57kids about feelings.
5:59Who by another wave of a magic wand
6:01lived with us when I was 11 years old
6:03for a summer cuz he was going to
6:04graduate school near my hometown.
6:06Who ended up rehearsing and practicing
6:09his curriculum with me in the backyard
6:10when I was 11.
6:11>> Wow.
6:13>> And he was the first adult who said to
6:14me Hey Mark,
6:16how are you feeling?
6:18No one had ever asked me how I was
6:19feeling.
6:21Ever.
6:22It was always like go to your room, wait
6:24till your father gets home, you know,
6:25like toughen up. No one actually sat
6:28with me
6:30and literally
6:31had presence.
6:34Now fast forward, you know, that's
6:37So I was 11, I'm 56, that's 45 years
6:40ago.
6:42I mean my whole career is based on that
6:45moment in my life to be frank.
6:49So I dedicate my work to this remarkable
6:51human who gave me permission to feel.
6:53And I became very curious as a
6:55scientist.
6:56What percentage of people have an Uncle
6:58Marvin or an Aunt Maria?
7:01And so for people who are listening,
7:03just take a moment and think about that.
7:07Was there an adult while you were
7:08growing up that created the conditions
7:10for you to be your true full feeling
7:12self?
7:16And again, my research shows that only
7:181/3 of us say yes and 2/3 of us say no.
7:22The next step is are What are the
7:24characteristics of these Uncle Marvins
7:26and Aunt Marias? So the research shows
7:29there are I call them the big five
7:31characteristics.
7:32The first one is just general warmth.
7:36The second is non-judgmental.
7:39The third is an incredible listener.
7:42The fourth is compassionate.
7:45And the fifth is steady presence or
7:47reliability.
7:51Notice what's not there.
7:53Brilliant, problem solver, fixer, advice
7:56giver.
7:58Cuz what I find in my research is
8:00something remarkable that most people
8:02say they're afraid to be the emotional
8:04ally for somebody else. Cuz they don't
8:05feel confident and capable.
8:08I don't know what to say or do.
8:10But notice the characteristics. I'm not
8:12asking you to do very much except be
8:13present.
8:16It's amazing to me. People say I'm
8:18afraid because I'm not sure what if they
8:20say something what I don't know what I'm
8:21going to do. I'm not going to be able to
8:22fix their problem or give them the
8:24advice that they need.
8:25And I said no one's looking for it. No
8:27one's looking for advice. No one's
8:28looking for fixing.
8:31Now what my research shows also
8:36is that people who report having had
8:38this emotional ally in their childhood
8:39as adults,
8:41they are more emotionally intelligent.
8:43They have better physical health, better
8:45mental health, they have better sleep
8:47quality.
8:49They have greater life satisfaction and
8:51they have greater purpose and meaning in
8:52life.
8:53And it's funny cuz one of my closest
8:55friends from like childhood came to hear
8:58me speak.
8:59And he had this reaction to my
9:01presentation. He's like, "I hated your
9:02presentation." I'm like, "You hated it?
9:03I got a standing ovation. You know, what
9:05are you talking about?" He's like,
9:06"Well, I didn't have an Uncle Marvin and
9:07I realize that's why I don't have
9:08purpose and meaning in life." And I'm
9:10like freaked out about it.
9:13And I said,
9:15"Maybe you can be your own Uncle
9:16Marvin."
9:18At some point,
9:21we have to look in the mirror
9:23and be those things to ourselves.
9:27We have to look in the mirror and have
9:29warmth for ourselves.
9:31No more judgment.
9:33Listen to our feelings.
9:35Self-compassion.
9:36And just be reliable, you know, to
9:38yourself.
9:40We can all be our own Uncle Marvins,
9:41too.
9:44And here's something even more
9:46remarkable, Mel. So, I'm giving it I do
9:49a lot of speaking and I'm out in
9:51somewhere in New York State and I'm
9:53giving this speech about this deep data.
9:57And all of a sudden this man stands up
9:59and he looks at me like, "Are you
9:59talking about Marvin Moore, the
10:00sixth-grade social studies teacher from
10:01Monticello, New York?" I said, "I am."
10:03He's like, "Mark, you're not going to
10:04believe this, but your Uncle Marvin was
10:06my Uncle Marvin."
10:07I'm like, "What are you talking about?"
10:09He's like, "Your uncle was my
10:10sixth-grade teacher and he transformed
10:12my life."
10:14And
10:15we had this amazing conversation
10:17afterwards for 45 minutes.
10:19And he said, "Clearly he's transformed
10:22who you are as a person today." I said,
10:24"I give him all the credit."
10:26And then he looked at me and he goes,
10:27"Well, Mark,
10:29for whom are you an Uncle Marvin?"
10:31>> Mhm.
10:34>> It was so eye-opening for me. I'd never
10:36been given that kind of in my face, "For
10:39whom are you paying it forward?"
10:42It transformed my relationships that day
10:44because I realized that
10:47I just was not giving it.
10:50>> Mhm. So beautiful.
10:52Really, really beautiful.
10:55And
10:56as you were going through that list of
10:59attributes, I'm like, this is why our
11:02kids always go to my husband.
11:05>> [laughter]
11:06>> I'm not kidding.
11:07>> He can be your emotional ally now and he
11:09probably is.
11:10>> Yes, 100%. Dr. Brackett, I would love to
11:13start with some more of the fourth-grade
11:16level stuff about emotions since I feel
11:19like I'm definitely in that camp of
11:22okay.
11:23>> What are we talking about here?
11:24>> we talking about here? Is this going to
11:25be one of these weird episodes where I'm
11:27thinking about my feelings, but I'm not
11:28sure what we're talking about? How do
11:31emotions
11:33shape our lives?
11:35>> So, in my work I talk about five reasons
11:37why emotions matter.
11:39The first is that emotions drive our
11:40attention, memory, and learning.
11:43Now, you're looking at me now as a
11:46tenured professor of psychology. I grew
11:49up in northern New Jersey.
11:51I was terribly abused as a kid. I had
11:54terrible bullying as a kid. I was a
11:55failing student.
11:57I didn't realize until I was in graduate
11:58school that I was in fight-flight mode
12:00all day long.
12:01>> Mhm.
12:01>> I was in I couldn't How could I learn
12:03when I'm getting punched in the face on
12:05the bus or made fun of in school? My
12:07brain was in survival mode, not learning
12:09mode. Emotions drive our attention,
12:12period.
12:13The second,
12:15emotions drive our judgments.
12:17Mel, have you ever made a bad decision?
12:19>> Oh my gosh, my name Mel.
12:21>> [laughter]
12:22>> I mean
12:23We all make decisions. What we don't
12:25like to own is that how we feel
12:29often times drives the choices we make.
12:32>> Mhm.
12:32>> I'll give you an example. So, in my
12:34research we do studies where we ask
12:35people to think about a good day versus
12:37a bad day. So, going to my work with
12:39teachers, I want you to think about the
12:41best day you've ever had in the
12:42classroom. I want you to think about the
12:43worst day you've ever had in the
12:44classroom. You can apply this to any
12:45setting.
12:47Immediately thereafter,
12:48I gave the teachers the exact same essay
12:52to grade.
12:53And my question was,
12:55would there be differences in how the
12:57teachers evaluated the exact same essay
13:00just after thinking for 5 minutes about
13:02a good day versus a bad day?
13:04What do you think?
13:05>> Oh, no.
13:06>> One to two full grade differences.
13:08>> One to two full grade differences based
13:10on the mood of the professor?
13:12>> Correct.
13:14Now, when I asked the people at the end
13:15of the study, "Do you believe that how
13:17you felt had any influence?" Of course
13:19not. Like, I do all I do all day long is
13:21grade papers and make decisions. I said,
13:23"Well, here's the data. One to two full
13:25grade differences."
13:26>> Wow.
13:27>> So, what this tells us is that our
13:29emotions are guiding us
13:32through the day
13:33and often times
13:35what's happening is we're making a
13:36judgment based on the mood we're in
13:38that's not necessarily the best
13:39judgment. Now, what's the antidote to
13:42allow our emotions to
13:44subconsciously influence our judgments?
13:47>> And the antidote means you change it?
13:49>> Yes. [laughter]
13:49>> Okay.
13:50Um
13:51uh you allow the you you you you name
13:56the emotion.
13:57>> See how she's writing it?
13:58>> Oh my god, I was actually panicking a
13:59little bit [laughter] there. I'm like,
14:00"Oh my god, I'm going to get it wrong on
14:02my own podcast."
14:04You just name it. Because what happens
14:05when you name it?
14:06>> You attribute it to its cause.
14:09When I can attribute my emotion
14:12to its actual cause it will no longer
14:15have that subconscious influence over
14:17the future judgment.
14:19>> I
14:20really struggle with this.
14:23And I am not proud to say this
14:25but I'm a very leaky emotional person.
14:28Meaning that it has been a challenge for
14:31my entire life
14:33to be able to
14:36separate myself
14:38from the thing that happened and the
14:40emotions that I feel and instead I
14:42wouldn't say leak, I'd say there have
14:45been times I've been more like a tidal
14:46wave.
14:46>> Yeah. Me, too.
14:48>> And I'm not proud of that and I I can
14:50even say that this morning that there
14:52was something that happened in our
14:53studios yesterday that really made me
14:56angry. Not with our team, somebody
14:57coming in from the outside.
14:59>> Yeah.
14:59>> I walked into a meeting
15:01that was a great like collaborative
15:03meeting and within 2 minutes I could
15:07feel my intensity, so the leakiness
15:09>> Yes.
15:10>> that wasn't about the meeting I was in
15:12it was about how I felt even talking
15:15about something
15:17that happened yesterday. That had
15:20nothing to do with that meeting.
15:21>> Correct.
15:22>> And
15:24it's very useful
15:26to understand that a simple thing that
15:28you could do in that moment if you
15:29notice that the volcano or the tidal
15:31wave or all of this is leaking,
15:34to just say, "Oh, I'm really irritable."
15:37>> That's it.
15:37>> And I could have just said, "I don't
15:39mean to be intense, everybody. I realize
15:41it's from the thing yesterday."
15:43And let me just take a beat. Cuz it's
15:45not about you because I think what
15:46happens is your emotions feel like you
15:49have no choice.
15:50>> That's exactly right. And that's the
15:51>> of my life, Dr. Brackett, I and I I I
15:53apologize for for talking over you. I
15:56I just feel like I feel I'm the kind of
15:59person that was ruled by my emotions to
16:01the detriment.
16:03>> We're the same people because
16:06I just did not like life as a child or
16:10an adolescent.
16:12And I remember even in high school
16:14crawling up in a ball
16:16crying and thinking, "Who am I? Where am
16:18I going with my life?" and thinking,
16:21"Oh my gosh, this is who I am. There's
16:23no There's no way out."
16:25I didn't know there were skills to
16:26learn, and that's why I've dedicated my
16:28whole life to helping people realize
16:30that emotions are impermanent.
16:32There are no bad emotions,
16:34and we can learn to use our emotions
16:36wisely to achieve our goals in life.
16:38>> I want to make sure that we got all five
16:40of the reasons why emotions matter, and
16:43we have attention.
16:44We have judgment.
16:45>> Yes.
16:47The third is relationship quality.
16:49Emotions drive the quality of our
16:51relationships. Here's a simple phrase.
16:54Emotions are signals
16:55to approach
16:58or avoid.
16:59Period.
17:00>> You just described my childhood.
17:02>> [laughter]
17:04>> Emotions are signals to approach or
17:07avoid.
17:07>> That's right.
17:09So, my facial expression, my body
17:10language, my vocal tone, my presence is
17:13either going to send a signal to you,
17:16Mark likes me, Mark's with me, Mark
17:18respects me, or it's going to say stay
17:20away. I got you know, I don't respect
17:22you. Like, who are you? I don't I don't
17:24need you.
17:25Um that's critical. And that's from the
17:27micro to the macro.
17:29>> Mhm.
17:30>> I mean, just a vocal tone.
17:32Um I always joke that I can literally
17:35influence how a room feels by lifting my
17:37right nostril.
17:39>> [laughter]
17:39>> I mean, literally. If I I mean,
17:44well, people who are listening can just
17:46imagine this. And if you're watching,
17:47you can see it. So, if I look at you
17:49right now and I do this.
17:51>> Uh-oh.
17:52Oh.
17:53Yeah, you're a little bit of disgust and
17:55judgment. Whoa.
17:56>> Isn't that amazing? Like, I just
17:57literally lifted my right nostril a
17:59little bit, and all of a sudden you're
18:00like, "Esh, like I'm not comfortable
18:02anymore."
18:02>> Yes.
18:03>> Like that.
18:05That's how fast emotions impact our
18:06relationships. So, that was an example
18:09of me showing an emotion that makes
18:11people not want to approach me. But
18:13then, the same thing applies to myself.
18:14I wake up in the morning and I think,
18:16"What's happening today? Oh my god." And
18:18that dread or that fear or that
18:20loneliness is going to drive how I
18:22communicate. So, it's both internal and
18:25it's both external.
18:27>> So, we've got attention, judgment, and
18:28relationships. What are the other two
18:30ways that emotions really
18:32run your life?
18:33>> The fourth is mental and physical
18:35health. So, think about this. Little
18:38emotions become big emotions if they're
18:40not dealt with.
18:41Sad becomes hopeless. Hopeless becomes
18:44despair.
18:45>> Mhm.
18:45>> Despair becomes depressed. Peeved
18:47becomes irritated, becomes angry,
18:49becomes livid and enraged.
18:52And if we don't recognize the little
18:53emotions and find strategies for dealing
18:55with them,
18:56all of a sudden they tear away at our
18:58mental and physical health.
19:00>> That makes a lot of sense. And what's
19:02the fifth way?
19:04>> The fifth one is that emotions influence
19:06our performance, our everyday
19:07performance.
19:09I think about this all the time because
19:10I grew up with two blue-collar parents.
19:13Neither one of my parents had a college
19:15education.
19:16And then all of a sudden I ended up in
19:17this job
19:18at Yale. And so every one of my students
19:20had higher SAT scores than I had,
19:22greater grade point averages, they
19:23played instruments I've never heard of,
19:25they traveled to countries I didn't know
19:26were on the map. And I'm their teacher.
19:29And I had imposter syndrome for years
19:31thinking they're going to find out that
19:32I didn't go to an Ivy League school
19:33myself. I didn't even get in to an Ivy
19:35League school. I didn't even know what
19:36one was, to be frank.
19:38And I just had this assumption for so
19:40many years that oh my gosh, they have
19:43These are the brightest crayons in the
19:44box who have all this background
19:47knowledge and parents who read to them
19:49and parents who are senators and
19:51producers.
19:53And then I've gotten to watch for 25
19:55years what happens.
19:57And so many people don't achieve their
19:59goals in life.
20:00And it's not because they're not smart.
20:03You know what it is?
20:05>> No.
20:05>> They can't deal with their feelings.
20:06>> Mhm.
20:07>> They can't deal with feedback.
20:09They can't deal with disappointment.
20:11They can't deal with the anxiety.
20:13And so there's a point in our lives when
20:15our brain power, we need it, of course.
20:18The more academically skilled we are,
20:20the better.
20:21But it's insufficient.
20:24It's insufficient. So here I am, I got
20:26500 students in my class. Every one of
20:28them
20:29looks the same on their CVs.
20:31They all got the same grades, they all
20:33got the same SAT scores. So I look at
20:35them and I say,
20:36"Who's going to make it?"
20:38Cuz you're all going to apply for the
20:39same job. Who's going to get hired?
20:42And it's not going to be about your
20:44intelligence. Just like when you're a
20:45basketball player, it's not about your
20:47height. Everybody's tall.
20:49It's going to be another set of skills.
20:52And those skills are emotional
20:53intelligence.
20:55>> Dr. Brackett, what is emotional
20:58intelligence?
20:59>> If I were to define emotional
21:00intelligence in its simplest form,
21:02emotional intelligence is a set of
21:03skills
21:04that helps us to use our emotions wisely
21:07to achieve our goals in life.
21:09Now, of course, that's very broad. So,
21:11you say, "All right, well, what exactly
21:13are the skills?"
21:14And I have an acronym,
21:16RULER, which helps describe the five
21:18skills of emotional intelligence. And
21:19the first skill is recognizing emotions.
21:22Number two is we understand emotions.
21:25Number three is we label them.
21:27Number four is we learn how to express
21:29them in ways that help us achieve our
21:30goals,
21:32cuz we've all expressed them in ways
21:33that have not helped us.
21:35>> That's been the norm for me.
21:36>> And then the final one is regulation.
21:38So, recognize, understand, label,
21:41express, and regulate.
21:43>> I would love for you to walk us through
21:46each one of those five things of the
21:49acronym RULER. And the first letter is
21:52recognize.
21:53What does that mean?
21:55>> So, you've created these wonderful
21:56blocks for me to show everybody.
21:57>> Yes. It's a big R. If you're listening,
22:00I don't want you to miss anything. He's
22:01putting a yoga block in front of him,
22:03and it's got a big R, and it says
22:05recognize.
22:07>> Recognizing emotions.
22:10Think about it. What are we doing here?
22:12We're paying attention.
22:14Like me right now, I'm laser-focused on
22:16you, and I'm paying attention to your
22:19facial expression,
22:20your body language,
22:22your vocal tone,
22:23and your behavior. That's the social
22:25awareness piece of it.
22:26>> Okay.
22:27>> Then there's the introspective piece of
22:28recognition. Mark, what's going on in
22:30your body?
22:31>> Mhm.
22:32>> What's going on in your mind right now?
22:33It's that It's that basic basic piece.
22:36>> Yeah.
22:37>> Well, let me ask you this question,
22:38everyone listening. On a scale from 1 to
22:4010,
22:41how skilled are you at recognizing
22:44emotions? One being terrible, 10 meaning
22:46you're great.
22:47>> I think I'm 10 at recognizing an emotion
22:50is happening.
22:52I think I'm probably a four at
22:53understanding what exactly the emotion
22:55is.
22:55>> Okay.
22:57So, my research shows
22:58that the correlation
23:00between our belief in our skill is next
23:03to zero.
23:05>> Meaning what you can actually do versus
23:07what you think you can do?
23:09>> Is not related at all.
23:10>> Okay. [laughter]
23:13>> Because like how much feedback have we
23:15gotten in our development? Like when you
23:16were coming down the stairs at home,
23:19did your father say, "Oh my gosh, honey,
23:21I'm noticing your facial expression
23:22today."
23:23We didn't do that kind of conversation.
23:25Nobody taught us
23:26how to read happy, sad, fear, surprise,
23:28all that stuff.
23:29>> Right, cuz nobody taught our parents
23:30either.
23:31>> Exactly.
23:32So, we tend to get pleasant, unpleasant
23:34right. Like approach, avoid kind of
23:36feelings. But the specific emotions, we
23:39tend to be very poor at guessing.
23:42We tend to attribute emotion to people
23:46as opposed to actually recognize their
23:48feelings.
23:49>> Mhm.
23:50>> So, let me give you an example. Like
23:51right now, you would you would mhm.
23:54If I had some kind of
23:58terrible thing that happened this
23:59morning or I heard weird things about
24:02Mel,
24:03I would come into the meeting and she'd
24:04go, "Mhm." And I'd be like, "Oh, she's
24:06judging me."
24:07She's not curious. That's a judgment
24:09signal.
24:10I have no clue what the hell's going on
24:12in your head or your mind, but I am
24:14projecting my own issues or the other
24:17issues that people said
24:19onto your facial expression all of the
24:21time. I mean, have you ever been
24:23misread?
24:24>> Well, I've been misread and I was
24:25thinking when I made that sound of a
24:28thing that I did with our daughter
24:30Sawyer
24:31who for a while I was misreading
24:35her expressions and she would get very
24:38rigid and her face would go cold and I
24:41would immediately feel like she was
24:43judging me.
24:44>> Mhm.
24:45>> And what I've come to learn in those
24:47moments, which makes me really sad,
24:49is that she actually was becoming
24:51emotionally flooded
24:53>> Mhm.
24:53>> and felt overwhelmed
24:57and didn't know what to do
24:59because it seemed like I was getting
25:02angry about something. And so here we
25:05were two people
25:07in constant situations where we are not
25:11actually getting each other
25:14because I'm not angry at all, but my
25:16voice is going in a direction that cues
25:17it.
25:18>> Yeah.
25:18>> She then stiffens and I think she's
25:21getting combative.
25:22And in fact, it's the opposite. She's in
25:25fear.
25:25>> There you go.
25:26>> And
25:27we miss each other and we misunderstand
25:30each other and I can see how
25:33I I was attributing something that then
25:36of course affects my emotions.
25:39And understanding that the first
25:41response for her typical and same as
25:43with my husband actually
25:45is I would always get so mad cuz he
25:47would go silent when I was pissed off. I
25:50mean, smart dude. And then I would be of
25:53course walking behind him going, "What
25:55what now you going to talk?"
25:56>> Mhm.
25:57>> And what I thought was he was
26:01trying to control the situation and pull
26:04a power move and dominate and the truth
26:07is he was shutting down
26:09because in those moments he felt like
26:11there's absolutely nothing I can do to
26:13like
26:16nothing I can do here.
26:16>> You're like so clearly showing why we
26:20need skills.
26:21>> Yes.
26:21>> Because otherwise we're just projecting
26:23all the time.
26:24>> Mhm.
26:25>> And so
26:26using that antidote word again
26:29the antidote is what?
26:30>> To name it.
26:31>> There you go.
26:32>> Cuz that's what changed everything in
26:34the dynamic with my daughter.
26:35>> You have to say how you're feeling, but
26:37you also have the courage to ask her how
26:38she's feeling.
26:39>> How how would you
26:41advise us
26:43to ask somebody else because I do feel
26:46like especially with couples
26:48my husband and I are celebrating our
26:4930th wedding anniversary and the
26:51question I've asked him the most in our
26:53marriage, "What are you thinking?"
26:55>> [laughter]
26:55>> There you go.
26:56>> Ironically, doesn't typically lead to an
26:59answer that tells me how he's feeling or
27:01what he's thinking.
27:02What is the best way to ask somebody as
27:04dumb as a question
27:06that is?
27:06>> It's not that dumb because we just don't
27:08do it because I think that we are
27:09intimacy-phobic.
27:11>> Mhm.
27:11>> So, it's easier to say, "What are you
27:13thinking?"
27:14>> Mhm.
27:14>> There's less connection involved in it.
27:17And so, when you are in this weird place
27:19with your husband or your daughter, you
27:20just say, "You know,
27:22I'm in a weird place right now. I'm not
27:23even sure how I'm feeling. I'm kind of
27:25this odd mixture of frustration and
27:26overwhelm right now,
27:28and I just want you to know that. And
27:30I'm really curious about how you're
27:31feeling about this situation."
27:32>> Mhm.
27:35That's it.
27:36It seems so easy.
27:38>> It is, but we're afraid to hear the
27:40response cuz we don't want to own the
27:42fact that we might have created an
27:44emotion,
27:45>> Mhm.
27:45>> which is more complicated than,
27:47you know, it's said. But, we do
27:51support other people in experiencing
27:52unpleasant feelings.
27:54And we don't want to own that.
27:56So, it's easier to just not ask the
27:57question.
27:58>> Wow.
28:00So, the next letter
28:02is U.
28:05And you say, you wrote in your mega
28:08best-seller Dealing With Feeling that
28:10this is the hidden driver
28:13>> Yeah.
28:13>> for emotional intelligence.
28:15>> Because this is where we build
28:16relationships and connection.
28:18>> Okay.
28:19>> Understanding emotion,
28:21we define it as understanding the causes
28:24and the consequences of emotion,
28:27including how our emotions impact all
28:29the things that we've talked about,
28:30thinking, judgment, and behavior.
28:34But, here's the kicker.
28:36And this is where I think most people
28:38get it wrong.
28:39We have to have a common understanding
28:42of emotion. So, anger, for example.
28:44If If to ask you, "What is the
28:46general cause of anger, what would you
28:49say?
28:51>> I would think
28:53uh either sadness
28:56Oh.
28:57Uh injustice.
28:59>> Thank you.
29:00>> Okay.
29:00>> Anger
29:01is a result of a perceived injustice or
29:04unfairness.
29:06Now,
29:07you're a woman,
29:09I'm a man.
29:10We have different upbringings, we have
29:12different religions, we have different
29:14belief systems.
29:16So, the things that I see in society
29:18that may trigger me to make me feel
29:20angry may not trigger you.
29:22>> Mhm.
29:22>> Vice versa.
29:24I don't need to prove to you why you
29:26should or should not feel angry. You
29:28don't need to prove to me why I should
29:30or should not feel angry.
29:31The goal of emotional understanding is
29:33to have connection and empathy.
29:35I want to be I want to know, tell me,
29:37why do you feel this way about this so
29:39that I can be supportive of you.
29:41That's the key to understanding.
29:43>> Wow, and that means more intimacy.
29:46>> Sorry.
29:46>> Which is why we don't ask.
29:49>> I mean, that's why we go to AI to get
29:50help with our feelings because we're so
29:52afraid of having the connection with a
29:53human that we just think it's easier to
29:55ask a chatbot.
29:57>> Now, what I found interesting about the
30:00understand part of this is that it was
30:04both understanding
30:06the cause of it
30:08and then understanding
30:10what it's impacting in your life. How do
30:13you understand the cause of it?
30:15>> The cause is going back to the theme.
30:17So, injustice.
30:18>> Oh, got you. Okay, so oh, I got it. So,
30:20if you're angry
30:22and you don't know why, ask yourself
30:24what has happened that makes me feel
30:27like something's unfair.
30:28>> Correct. Or if you are disappointed, it
30:32would be what?
30:34>> Um
30:36what was my expectation?
30:37>> Exactly. Disappointment is about unmet
30:40expectations. Now, here's the deal.
30:42You're with your kid, you're with your
30:44partner, you're out and about, and
30:46someone says, "I can't take it anymore."
30:49I just said that to you.
30:51I can't take it anymore.
30:52>> Oh my god, okay, I just had like a
30:53little bit of a
30:54>> [laughter]
30:54>> flashback or something. Go ahead.
30:56>> Sorry. How am I feeling?
30:58>> Um
31:01you are feeling frustrated.
31:04>> How do you know?
31:05>> Uh you grit your teeth.
31:07You raised your hands. You had a face
31:11that was very angry.
31:12>> Freeze.
31:14What are you doing right now?
31:16>> Um
31:17>> You're making the what error?
31:19>> I am attributing.
31:21>> Thank you.
31:22>> Something I actually don't know how you
31:23feel.
31:23>> Of course not.
31:25I'm a dude. I'm not going to tell you
31:26that I feel shame or disappointment. I'm
31:29going to act out like I'm angry to get
31:31my needs met.
31:32>> Oh, so for example, father in a toy
31:36aisle,
31:37and kids want the expensive thing. You
31:40can't afford it. The deeper emotion is
31:42shame, but you're going to just erupt at
31:46your kids, and it's going to read anger
31:47and frustration.
31:49>> Great example. Hence, why we need to
31:51deactivate, get curious, find out what's
31:54happening
31:56to build the connection so that we can
31:57be helpful to each other. Emotions are
31:59data.
32:01So, when I'm feeling an unpleasant
32:03emotion, it's legitimate.
32:05There's nothing wrong with that.
32:08As a matter of fact,
32:10I've been really thinking about this
32:11around my anxiety.
32:13And a friend of mine who studies
32:14anxiety, we had this long conversation
32:16about it, and she said to me, Mark,
32:18"Tell me all the things that make you
32:19anxious."
32:20Well, I'm anxious about fundraising. I
32:22got to constantly raise money to keep my
32:23research center alive. What else?
32:26I'm anxious about the quality of our
32:27center's work. I always want it to be
32:28the top quality. What else are you
32:30anxious about? And I named all these
32:31things, and she said, "Well, what do
32:33those things have in common?"
32:36I'm like, "What are you talking about?
32:38She would not listen to me. What do
32:40those things have in common?
32:44And I had an epiphany.
32:47I said,
32:48they're all the things that I care about
32:49in my life.
32:51And she said, exactly. So, why would
32:53anxiety be a bad thing?
32:55It's telling you that something may not
32:57be going exactly right with something
32:59that you care about. So, now it's an
33:00opportunity to look deeper into that.
33:04>> Okay, that's
33:05personally
33:07why you're here for me.
33:09That one story and that one reframe
33:12around anxiety is exactly what I needed
33:15as a parent right now
33:17to send to one of my adult kids. That
33:19was like a gift. The third letter of
33:23ruler is label. What does that mean?
33:26>> And we have got a block for that.
33:27So, labeling emotions,
33:30so before in understanding, we talked
33:32about understanding the causes and the
33:33consequences.
33:35The differences between, let's say,
33:37anger
33:39and
33:41anxiety. Anger is about injustice.
33:44Anxiety is about uncertainty.
33:46But now with labeling, we're going to
33:48get super precise with our words.
33:51>> Mm, okay.
33:52>> I'm going to ask everyone who's
33:53listening to take a little quiz.
33:55>> Okay.
33:57>> We have anxiety,
33:58stress,
34:00pressure,
34:02fear,
34:04overwhelmed. This is a big quiz.
34:06Anxiety,
34:07stress,
34:09pressure,
34:11fear,
34:12overwhelmed. What's the difference
34:14between anxiety, stress, pressure, fear,
34:15and overwhelmed?
34:16>> Anxiety is about the future.
34:20>> I gave you that one already.
34:21>> Okay, I know. [laughter] Okay, but
34:22still, that means I'm learning.
34:24Uh, stress
34:26is about your body state.
34:30>> Keep going.
34:31>> Okay,
34:32uh uh
34:34overwhelm.
34:39I'm I'm I'm like now starting to panic
34:41and I forgot the other two. Overwhelm is
34:43I don't know what to do.
34:45Pressure is I I I can't handle this.
34:49And fear is something bad's going to
34:51happen.
34:52>> You're pretty good.
34:54B+.
34:55>> Okay.
34:56>> So, anxiety, perceived uncertainty.
34:58>> Yep.
35:00>> Stressed.
35:01Too many demands, not enough resources.
35:04>> Mhm.
35:06>> Pressure.
35:07Something at stake is dependent upon my
35:09behavior.
35:12Fear.
35:13Impending danger.
35:15Overwhelmed, saturated with emotion.
35:18>> Mhm.
35:19>> Now, why does that matter? Why am I
35:21trying to get you to be, as we call it,
35:22so granular about your feelings?
35:25>> can see why this matters and it's very
35:27helpful because it applies to something
35:29I'm dealing with at work.
35:31Where it feels like all five of those
35:33things are present. Anxiety, stress,
35:37overwhelm, pressure, fear.
35:39>> Yep.
35:40>> And I think in some way all of those
35:42things are present
35:45in this situation.
35:46>> They could be.
35:47>> taking
35:49stress, which is too much to do and not
35:52enough resources,
35:54that is a very different operational
35:57problem
35:59than having you feel overwhelmed, which
36:01is emotionally flooded and I can't do
36:03anything.
36:04>> Exactly.
36:04>> Yes.
36:05>> And so that precision is a guide to
36:08healthy regulation.
36:11That precision is a guide to healthy
36:13regulation. Anxiety is about
36:16uncertainty around the future. You can
36:18take all the deep breaths. You can take
36:20all the walks. Guess what?
36:22You're going to come back and you're
36:23going to ruminate about all all
36:25uncertainty.
36:27Stress is having too many demands and
36:28not enough resources. You can go to the
36:29gym and pump it out. Maybe it'll be some
36:32immediate relief, but at the end of the
36:33day, you got too much on your plate and
36:35you can't handle it.
36:37So,
36:38if you're stressed,
36:39either you're going to have to say,
36:40Mark,
36:41your job never ends.
36:43You're going to have to accept this. Or
36:45you're going to have to distribute more
36:46and get more people to support you.
36:47>> Mhm.
36:48>> Otherwise, the stress is not going to go
36:49away. Period. Here's a quick one for
36:52you. So, I did a study with my own
36:53students
36:54on
36:55how they feel.
36:57And it's sad. 70% of say they're tired
37:00and stressed and bored.
37:02And then by the way, this parallels with
37:04a big study I did with high schoolers
37:06across the nation. 77% of time tired,
37:08bored, and stressed.
37:09>> [sighs]
37:11>> But then, I got really interested in
37:13well, do they really know how they're
37:14feeling?
37:15>> Mhm.
37:16>> So,
37:18I had them journal.
37:20Journal about all the reasons that
37:22you're tired and bored and stressed and
37:24overwhelmed and all this.
37:25What do you think their real emotion
37:26was?
37:28>> Um
37:33despair.
37:35>> Their real emotion was envy.
37:37>> What?
37:38>> Envy.
37:40Cuz everything they wrote about about
37:41being stressed
37:43was social comparisons.
37:46They study for less hours and get better
37:47grades. They've got better hips. They've
37:48got better lips. This one's parents have
37:50more connections.
37:52And so, they go to the university
37:54counseling center
37:56and they get treated for stress and
37:58anxiety
38:00and doing breathing exercises and yoga.
38:03And I keep on thinking to myself, I
38:04don't know what yoga pose is going to
38:05decrease envy. But, no offense to the
38:07yoga people out there. I love yoga.
38:10Um but the point is is that if we don't
38:13really know what we're feeling,
38:15then we don't know what to do with our
38:16feelings. And if we're kind of
38:17un-self-aware,
38:19then we're just like, bring me breathing
38:20exercise. Like, I don't know what the
38:22breathing exercise going to do when
38:23you're sitting around thinking like, "Oh
38:25my god, everybody's better than I am.
38:26Everybody's better than I am." Like, you
38:27need cognitive strategies for that. You
38:29got to change the dialogue in your head
38:32and stop comparing yourself. That's the
38:33only thing that's going to decrease the
38:34envy.
38:35>> So, Dr. Brackett, what is the thing that
38:38you need to do if it is envy and
38:42comparison that's making you feel sad,
38:44stressed, bored, and tired?
38:46>> How about gratitude?
38:48>> Now, if I'm sad, stressed, bored, and
38:50tired, I'm like, "How about you go
38:52yourself?" Like, I'm literally, you
38:53know, just like you know, cuz you know
38:55how people How do I access gratitude
38:59if I'm in that spiral?
39:02>> You take a deep breath and you say to
39:04yourself,
39:06"Look at me.
39:08Look at where I'm at.
39:10What's going right for me?
39:11What are the three things today that
39:13happened
39:14that are actually positive?"
39:16And I would tell students like, you
39:18know, all respect, like you got great
39:19freaking professors. Like, come on,
39:21let's have some gratitude here.
39:22>> [laughter]
39:23>> You hate yourself, but you know, you
39:24>> Exactly. Like, let's be honest about who
39:26I am.
39:26>> It's about exactly.
39:27>> [laughter]
39:27>> Um, you know, it's not like the food is
39:29bad here. It's not like the dorms are so
39:31bad. Can we just take a moment and pause
39:33and just think about what's going right?
39:36Again, that negativity bias just pours
39:38over us.
39:39Just take a minute
39:41and think about something you're
39:42grateful for. It just changes the
39:44chemistry in your brain.
39:46>> Mhm.
39:46>> We need to reflect on what's going right
39:48and not always on what's going wrong.
39:50>> Mhm.
39:50>> That's a skill. It's a practice. Just
39:52like you brush your teeth in the
39:53morning,
39:54at the end of the day, when we have
39:56dinner together, we do, it sounds
39:58cliché, but you know what? We do a
40:00gratitude reflection.
40:01>> That is so insanely helpful.
40:04If you start adopting a practice, if you
40:08recognize yourself
40:10and being in this loop that we've all
40:12been in where you're sad, you're
40:14stressed, you're bored, you're tired,
40:17maybe the next time you're in that
40:19self-criticism beat down spiral, you go,
40:23"Whoa, hold on.
40:25Let me remember what Dr. Bracket said.
40:27Let me look around and find three things
40:30that are going well."
40:32>> Or it might just be simpler than that.
40:34Mark,
40:36this feeling is impermanent.
40:39You're 56. There have been rainy days,
40:41there have been sunny days. Today's a
40:43rainy day for legitimate reasons. It's
40:45not going to rain forever. But we have
40:47to recognize the key element is that all
40:49emotions are impermanent.
40:52>> They're impermanent.
40:53>> They're impermanent.
40:54The law of physics says that emotions
40:57are ephemeral. They are impermanent.
41:00>> Mhm.
41:01>> I just say that and I just
41:03it makes me feel at ease because I I
41:06lean into rainy days more than sunny
41:08days.
41:09That's a whole, you know, that's a
41:10therapy session we won't get into right
41:12now.
41:12But the point is
41:14that I have to use that language. I have
41:17to talk to myself and say, "Mark,
41:20today is a rainy day.
41:22You've had some beautiful sunny days
41:24over the last couple of years. Remember
41:25they're they're there, too."
41:27And how
41:28relieving that is.
41:29>> Mhm.
41:31>> We've gone from recognizing to
41:33understanding to labeling, and I want to
41:35get to expressing. Can I do that one
41:37now?
41:37>> Please.
41:38>> So expressing emotions,
41:40this is bringing us to that last big R,
41:43a regulating.
41:44Is that there's a lot of discernment
41:47in expressing emotions. There's a lot of
41:49discernment in me feeling safe
41:52psychologically with you, Mel, right
41:53here, right now, to be my true self.
41:56Like you create the context. I'm in your
41:58home right now.
41:59And so you're creating a context for me
42:01either to be completely open or guarded.
42:05Every home is that way. Every classroom
42:07is that way. Every workplace is that
42:09way.
42:10So when we want to express our emotions,
42:12we can't just do it.
42:14It's It's a skill that is embedded in a
42:17context.
42:18>> Mhm.
42:20>> We also have to know how and when to
42:21express emotions. I've gotten this
42:24pushback, too, about like, "You're just
42:25saying that permission to feel means
42:27permission to say whatever you're
42:28feeling whenever you want to say." I'm
42:29like, "I never wrote that, just to let
42:31you know." There are norms in our works
42:34there in our workplaces, there are norms
42:35in our homes and society.
42:38Um and yes, you can be your true self,
42:41but is that
42:42the most helpful self?
42:45You know, if I said everything I was
42:46feeling to everybody I was with, I would
42:49be a very lonely person.
42:50>> I'd be fired
42:51>> So.
42:51Exactly.
42:52>> There you go.
42:53>> [laughter]
42:53>> The question here is,
42:56are we in relationships with people
42:59with whom we can be our authentic
43:00selves?
43:02I can't tell you how many people I talk
43:04to, people who are listening right now,
43:07and if I said, "Can you tell your loved
43:10ones how you really feel?
43:13Can you be open and say, 'I'm feeling
43:15sad
43:16or feeling lonely'?
43:18Do you have the courage to talk about it
43:19with someone?"
43:21Do you know that most people say no?
43:23My research shows that about two-thirds
43:25of us say no.
43:28And this is why we need to help people
43:30learn the skills because
43:32they don't feel
43:33like there is an actual person in their
43:35life with whom they can be their true,
43:37full-feeling self.
43:39>> What is the final R?
43:42>> So, the final R of ruler is regulate.
43:45It's about regulating our emotions to
43:47achieve your goals.
43:48>> What does that mean to be regulating
43:50your emotion?
43:51>> Well, let me ask everyone who's
43:52listening and you, what's your
43:54definition of emotion regulation?
43:56>> Um
43:59for me,
44:00I think it means to recognize what's
44:02happening and to basically try
44:06to [laughter] let it
44:08rise up
44:10and dissipate.
44:11>> Okay.
44:12>> To try
44:14to not let it be
44:16leaking all over other human beings.
44:18>> Mhm.
44:19>> To try to
44:22not let my mood or my feelings in the
44:25moment dictate the actions that I take
44:27next. That's what it means to me.
44:31>> Yeah, and that's a great way of thinking
44:32about it.
44:34Mark the scientist's definition is it's
44:37about the thoughts
44:39and the actions. So, the things we can
44:41do in our heads. I can prevent the
44:43anxiety before the presentation because
44:45I can get ready for it.
44:47I can reduce an unwanted emotion.
44:50I can initiate an emotion.
44:53I can intentionally try to help you
44:54savor your emotions.
44:56I can maintain a pleasant emotion. So,
44:58like when I leave here today,
45:00I'm going to assume that we all think
45:02this went well, and I'm going to call
45:04people. And I'm going to say, like I had
45:06an amazing experience with Mel. And ask
45:09me some questions, please. You know, and
45:11so that I can think back and and savor
45:13it. I think that's important. We tend to
45:15just move on. Why? Let's savor it.
45:18>> Mhm.
45:18>> Or we can boost or enhance emotions.
45:21And we do that in the service of all the
45:23things that I do my work for, which is
45:26we regulate so we have better attention.
45:28We regulate so we make better decisions.
45:31We regulate so we can have better
45:32relationships. We regulate so we can
45:33have better mental health. And we
45:35regulate so we can achieve our goals in
45:36life.
45:38And so there are strategies.
45:40Should we go through them?
45:41>> Yeah, let's start with the ones that are
45:42unhelpful that people may reach for and
45:45don't realize it's not actually working.
45:47And I'll share one.
45:48>> Go.
45:48>> I recently started to realize that when
45:52I would kind of become a volcano or I'd
45:54get angry
45:56because I feel
45:58a sense of injustice.
46:00>> Yeah.
46:00>> Or I get frustrated because I have unmet
46:03expectations, usually by the way that
46:05I've not expressed.
46:06Um
46:08that in the venting, like I just need to
46:10get it out. I'm a verbal processor.
46:12That's why
46:12>> Yeah.
46:13>> it just stirs up even more.
46:15>> Yeah.
46:16>> And so that's one thing. Another one
46:19that has been very unhelpful that I used
46:21for decades
46:22was [laughter]
46:23telling myself to not be anxious or
46:26telling myself I shouldn't be this way.
46:29>> And really rejecting the thing that I
46:31was feeling and trying to ignore it.
46:35>> Yeah, welcome to America. I think those
46:38are many people's go-to strategies. My
46:40research shows that there are three big
46:42ones that are unhelpful. For everybody
46:44who's listening, take a moment and think
46:45about it. When you're overwhelmed, when
46:47you're stressed, when you're pissed off,
46:48what's your automatic go-to unhelpful
46:50way of dealing with your emotions? Just
46:52think about it.
46:53>> an email and venting on people.
46:54>> Yeah.
46:55>> Bitching to my husband about what some
46:56idiot did. Yes, talking about the state
46:59of the world and why this is still
47:01happening.
47:02>> Exactly.
47:03>> Yes. Now I'm already feeling actually
47:05quite cracked [laughter] up.
47:06>> Totally. I'm I'm I I I can't believe I'm
47:09going to say this. I get mean.
47:11And I hate myself for it, but I just get
47:13when I get triggered, I like want to
47:14retaliate.
47:16And I'm working on it for years, but
47:19if I get low enough and angry enough or
47:22frustrated enough, it just
47:25and I'm like this I'm like I always say
47:26to myself, "Mark, you're the director of
47:27the center for freaking emotional
47:28control. Don't say it. Don't do it,
47:30Mark. You have the strategies. You're
47:31the expert."
47:33And I go for it and it's like ah.
47:36But here is the big ones.
47:38Avoidance.
47:41It's like the person you're having a
47:43difficult time with at work, you're
47:44like, "I'm just going to not go into the
47:45lunch room. I'm going to avoid that
47:46person in the hallway."
47:48Or I'm just not going to tell the person
47:49how I really feel and just it's going to
47:51I'm going to bury it. That that also
47:53includes the kind of denial, the
47:54suppression stuff.
47:56The second is eating and drinking.
47:59>> Mhm.
48:00>> How many of us have
48:03had one too many chips or scoops of ice
48:05cream
48:07or one too many alcoholic beverages?
48:08>> Yeah, what do you think the odds are
48:09that I had a martini last night after a
48:11stressful day?
48:12>> [laughter]
48:14>> There you go.
48:15>> And then I walked in here this morning
48:17and leaked all over a bunch of people.
48:19>> [laughter]
48:20>> Self-awareness is a gift.
48:22And the other masterful one, I say that
48:25jokingly, is just negative self-talk.
48:26>> Mhm.
48:27>> We are self-saboteurs.
48:29Yeah. Well, I don't think we want to use
48:31it.
48:31>> Right.
48:32>> I think we are gaslighted to use it.
48:35Give you a really concrete one of a an
48:37example. So, I have a niece who is the
48:39love of my life. Her name is Esme. She
48:41was adopted from Guatemala.
48:43And I speak Spanish and I went to bring
48:45her home back 21 years ago. She just
48:47graduated college. I'm very proud of
48:49you, Esme.
48:50She is dark-skinned. She's Latina.
48:53She was in a very white area of New York
48:54State. And in kindergarten,
48:57some kid said to her, "You're a
48:58different color than your mother. That's
49:00disgusting."
49:02Now, of course, her mother called me and
49:04said, "You better get up here cuz I'm
49:06going to get in my car and I'm going to
49:07run over that kid. I'm going to run over
49:08the mother." I'm like, "Take a deep
49:09breath. Uncle Mark, road trip."
49:13Now, when I got to their home,
49:15this is the love of my life, this
49:165-year-old girl. To And I know what it's
49:19like cuz I was terribly bullied as a
49:20kid.
49:21I knew that I had to be her emotional
49:23ally.
49:25I knew that I had to help intervene cuz
49:27she was already saying, "I don't want to
49:28go to school. I hate school. I don't
49:29want to go to school." She was already
49:30questioning her skin color, "Why am I
49:32this and who's Why are you my mother?"
49:33And
49:35in that moment,
49:38which was a difficult moment for our
49:39family,
49:40I had to figure out a way to connect
49:41with this young woman
49:43and in her 5-year-old language,
49:46tell her that no one has the right to
49:47define your reality.
49:49Now, if she were Uncle Mark in his 40s
49:52at the time,
49:53he would have the courage to say, "Wait
49:54a minute. Like, who do you think you are
49:56talking to me that way? I love myself.
49:59You don't have that power."
50:00She's five.
50:01>> Yeah.
50:02>> Do you see what I'm saying, how
50:03important it is?
50:04>> We have to build the skill early.
50:07And so, this young girl,
50:08with her uncle and her parents and other
50:10people were really trying to help her
50:12reframe,
50:14build more positive self-talk, recognize
50:15that our family has different skin
50:17colors and tones, and it's okay, and
50:20that we love her, and that she's going
50:21to be okay, and etc.
50:24But, imagine no intervention there.
50:27>> Mhm.
50:28>> Imagine no one noticing.
50:31We were intentional about providing her
50:33that support so she could reframe and
50:36have more positive self-talk. So, our
50:38negative self-talk starts early,
50:41and it doesn't come from within.
50:43It comes from without.
50:45It's our parents saying, "Why you
50:46wearing those pants? And why you doing
50:48that?" And all that negativity about
50:51color, about your height, about your
50:52weight, about the way you walk, the way
50:55you talk, the way you do your homework,
50:57everything.
50:58And from what I gather,
51:01other than the work I do and some others
51:02do, there's nobody intervening and
51:05helping parents and children
51:07notice and say, "Wait a minute.
51:09We need to not be self-sabotaging. We
51:11need to be self-compassionate."
51:14I wake up every single morning
51:18with a mindset that today is the first
51:19day of the rest of my life.
51:21>> Mhm.
51:22>> Today is a day that I can
51:24start the journey to be the best version
51:26of myself.
51:27I mean, I just think we have to have
51:29that mindset about life.
51:31Otherwise, we just get stuck, and we're
51:32endlessly stuck, and we're endlessly
51:34like trying to fix. There's nothing to
51:35fix.
51:36>> Mhm.
51:37>> Only learning.
51:39>> Why is that mindset so important? What
51:41has it done for you?
51:44>> What it does for me is it allows me to
51:46set goals to be the better version of
51:49myself that day.
51:51>> And it's like, you know, Mark, you said
51:52that to your partner, not cool. Like,
51:55let's think about that a little bit.
51:56Like, what what what need
51:58did you have that was unmet
52:00that made you project or displace that
52:02crap on on him?
52:04And so,
52:06for me, it's an opportunity to grow.
52:08It's an opportunity to
52:10flourish.
52:11And
52:12as a kid who had a lot of trauma,
52:15and I I walk around the world and I see
52:17the data and how many people have
52:19experienced trauma,
52:21and how how many people have stay stuck
52:23in that trauma,
52:26I just feel
52:27like
52:29that's not the way life should be. Life
52:30is about moving forward.
52:31>> Mhm.
52:32What are the research-backed strategies
52:35that are effective for regulating an
52:37emotion?
52:38>> Yeah.
52:39Number one
52:41is the permission to feel.
52:43>> Okay.
52:43>> You got to just
52:45it's okay.
52:46I'm feeling it. No big deal.
52:48Number two,
52:50build the vocabulary.
52:52We got there.
52:53Number three,
52:55you have to learn how to deactivate. You
52:57do have to build the space. So, if you
52:59get annoyed with someone here before you
53:01go home,
53:02sometimes you don't have access to those
53:04cognitive strategies right away. So,
53:06maybe it's taking a walk around the
53:07block, maybe it's taking a deep breath,
53:09maybe it's a little meditation. It's
53:11whatever works for you.
53:12For me, it's breathing.
53:14I just take some breath and like
53:16>> [snorts]
53:17>> Okay.
53:18And then I can activate my best self.
53:21So, just to it goes from attitude of
53:23permission to feel
53:25to having the vocabulary
53:27to knowing how to deactivate to the
53:29cognitive strategies. One of my favorite
53:31go-to strategies is temporal distancing.
53:34It's a fancy way for saying
53:37how am I going to feel about this in a
53:38month?
53:39So, I'm triggered by everything, just so
53:41you know.
53:42Um I just I am. Like, I I especially I
53:44grew up with a father who was like
53:46cheap.
53:47Like, why are we buying that? That's
53:48ridiculous. So, we go shopping and, you
53:51know, my partner wants the organic
53:53organic almond milk. I'm like, that's
53:55ridiculous.
53:56>> [laughter]
53:56>> Why am I spending $7 on milk? Are you
53:59out of your mind?
54:00And then I realized like, hey, I'm not
54:02my partner's father. Oh, yeah. That's
54:04right.
54:05Everybody can buy whatever milk they
54:07want to buy. It's not like control
54:08freak, shut up, control freak.
54:11But sometimes I have to take go down
54:13another aisle, take a deep breath, and
54:15be like, Mark,
54:16is it worth your relationship? This
54:18freaking almond milk? Like, this is
54:19ridiculous. Are you really going to be
54:21even remember that you bought the almond
54:22milk in a week from now? No. Let it go.
54:26So, that It's like you build in time.
54:29Or you create the time.
54:30>> Mhm.
54:31>> One of my ultimate favorites is a
54:33relational one.
54:34I don't know about you. Have you ever
54:35been in a meeting with someone
54:37that you just their energy is really
54:41uncomfortable?
54:42>> Yeah.
54:44>> was like this a lot. He would get
54:45triggered when we were at family
54:46gatherings,
54:47and then all of a sudden he'd like go in
54:48the attack mode.
54:49>> And then you feel like, oh my god, what
54:51are we going to do? Oh my god. Yes, like
54:53I have no control here.
54:54>> Yeah. You create a picture frame. So,
54:56let's imagine right now, for listeners,
54:57I'm with Mel, and Mel is saying like,
54:59Mark, I think your stuff is
55:01And I'm like, I can't believe this is
55:03happening right now. And so, I could
55:05like just sit here and absorb it all,
55:07and be like, oh my god, my life is over.
55:105 million people are going to listen to
55:11Mel tell me that my life my my life's
55:13work is meaningless.
55:15Okay, Mark.
55:16A, she didn't say it. B,
55:19make a little picture frame. So, I
55:20literally make you into a movie.
55:22>> Okay.
55:23>> And I
55:24observe you
55:26as opposed to absorb you.
55:29Observe versus absorb.
55:32>> Wow.
55:33>> it?
55:33>> Yes. I
55:37need this.
55:38>> We all need it.
55:39>> And I especially need it
55:41when I see clips
55:44from the news.
55:45>> Yeah.
55:45>> Because it's so activating to see
55:49certain people
55:50>> Mhm.
55:51>> and certain headlines and I absorb it.
55:55>> Me too.
55:55>> versus observing.
55:58>> Yes.
55:59>> Where there is this distance.
56:01>> Correct.
56:02It's spatial distance.
56:05So when my father would say thing like,
56:07you know Mark, you think your blank
56:08doesn't stink now that you're a
56:09professor.
56:10And I would be like, okay, this is going
56:12to be a fun night. But this is going to
56:14be a B-level movie and I'm just going to
56:16watch my father go on his rampage and
56:18just wow.
56:20Gosh, I wish he had an emotion education
56:22when he was young. Gosh, it would have
56:24been nice for him to learn some skills.
56:25Wow.
56:26It's a great movie.
56:28And so I would just talk about it
56:30while I am observing it.
56:33>> Mhm. To yourself.
56:35>> him
56:37to
56:38bring that into my life.
56:40It's a beautiful technique and it works.
56:42>> beautiful and what I just realized is
56:45that when I'm saying let them
56:48in a moment where somebody is very
56:51triggering or they're activated,
56:54I've never thought about it like the
56:55movie, but I'm basically queuing myself
56:58to recognize
57:00who I'm dealing with
57:02>> Yeah.
57:02>> take a step back emotionally and remind
57:05myself, I can't control this. This
57:06person's acting like an 8-year-old
57:07throwing a tantrum. I'm just going to
57:08let them.
57:09>> So you're that's actually really cool
57:10because I've read your book, which I
57:12think is wonderful.
57:13And I have applied my own work
57:16to your work and I we're aligned 100%
57:19there because when you are letting them,
57:22you still have to regulate your
57:23feelings.
57:24It's not like you just let them and be
57:26like, whatever.
57:27You have to manage your own experience
57:30with that person and allow them allow
57:32the disengagement or or
57:35let them relationship go to in a
57:36different direction or
57:38whatever it is, but that takes some
57:40personal work.
57:41>> Well, what I realized is that
57:45before being able to say let them as a
57:47way to create the distance between me
57:50and somebody else and observe what's
57:51happening,
57:53I couldn't actually regulate my own
57:56emotions because I was so their
57:59leakiness
58:00>> Mhm.
58:00>> and my reaction to
58:02>> and now I'm just reacting to that.
58:04>> Yeah.
58:05>> I
58:06couldn't actually regulate myself.
58:08And it was it's the the distance that
58:11you're talking about of observing
58:12whether it's in yourself or someone else
58:15and these tools that you're talking
58:16yourself where you start to talk to
58:17yourself or you notice it in a picture
58:21frame. You go, "Okay, interesting.
58:23Acting like a toddlers, 6 years old.
58:26It's very interesting that a
58:2970-year-old person's doing this right
58:30now. Okay. And not my job to manage.
58:33Going to let them, you know? And and it
58:35helps me stay over here. I think about
58:37it like snow globes.
58:39Like when somebody gets super emotional,
58:41there's all this agitation that gets
58:43shaken up and the tools you're teaching
58:46us can allow you to keep that stuff in
58:50their snow globe from hitting you.
58:53And from recognizing that you can choose
58:56to try to comment, but you don't have
58:58to.
58:58>> I remember you know, back a a number of
59:01years ago, I was giving a speech and
59:03this other person who was mean
59:06gave a speech after me. I had given a
59:08speech and I was really being heartfelt
59:10about my bullying experience as a kid.
59:14For some reason the second presenter
59:15thought they were like a smart ass and
59:18before they began their talk which was
59:19right after mine, he got up he's like
59:21shows this video of a boy being bullied
59:23and he goes, "That was more before he
59:25got his black belt."
59:27Now, in that moment, I was crushed. And
59:29here was like a 40-something-year-old
59:31man in the front of 300 people. I was
59:33off to the side. I literally
59:34transgressed to being 12.
59:37It was mind-blowing. I'm like, "Wow, I
59:40just want to
59:42And so,
59:45I had a moment in my life
59:47where I had to make a choice. I wasn't
59:49going to run his Asian game. I was going
59:50to think I had this visual of me like I
59:51cuz I'm a fifth-degree black belt. I was
59:53going to run his Asian with a flying
59:54sidekick and
59:55knock him out. [laughter]
59:56That was like my like my authentic self.
59:59My best self, on the other hand, said,
1:00:01"Mark, let's wait."
1:00:03But afterwards,
1:00:06I really had to go up to this person
1:00:08and I had to make it clear
1:00:10that what they said
1:00:13was not only an embarrassment for
1:00:14themselves, but for the community. And
1:00:16that it was like
1:00:19like you're done. Like this will never
1:00:20happen again. I You know how much work
1:00:22that took? Oh my gosh. The courage
1:00:26to just be like, "I got to give this
1:00:28person feedback in terms of the way they
1:00:30treated me, and it was embarrassing and
1:00:32gross."
1:00:33Whether you do anything about it or not
1:00:35is not my control.
1:00:36But I have to have the courage and the
1:00:38skill to go up to you and say, "Never
1:00:40again."
1:00:41>> What I love about that is you
1:00:44are using all the tools you talked
1:00:46about,
1:00:47and then you're choosing a way to behave
1:00:50that makes you really proud of yourself.
1:00:52It's almost a way for you to be your own
1:00:54Uncle Marvin.
1:00:55>> Yes.
1:00:56>> It's so beautiful.
1:00:57Your work is so important, and I am
1:01:02grateful
1:01:04that you made the time to be here with
1:01:07us, to explain all this, and there's so
1:01:12much that I have absorbed, and I cannot
1:01:15wait to apply this.
1:01:17And so, just personally, I want to say
1:01:19thank you.
1:01:20If you
1:01:22after all of these incredible tools and
1:01:25insights that you've taught us today, if
1:01:27you
1:01:29could identify what is the one takeaway
1:01:33that you would want somebody to walk
1:01:34away with
1:01:36after listening?
1:01:37>> I want people to leave realizing they
1:01:39have the power
1:01:42to choose the response
1:01:45in their lives. I want people to leave
1:01:48knowing that emotional intelligence
1:01:51is not a fixed trait. You weren't born
1:01:52that way. It's a learned skill. We can
1:01:55learn to recognize our emotions better
1:01:58and other people's. We can learn to
1:01:59understand them. We can learn to label
1:02:01them, express them, and regulate them in
1:02:03ways that can help us to achieve all of
1:02:05our goals, to build the best possible
1:02:07relationships, to have the well-being
1:02:09that we want, and I do believe that
1:02:12these skills help us
1:02:14to ensure that our dreams come true.
1:02:17>> Dr. Marc Brackett, what are your parting
1:02:19words?
1:02:21>> My parting words
1:02:23are please give yourself permission to
1:02:25feel.
1:02:27Please give everyone you love and even
1:02:29the people you don't love that much
1:02:30permission to feel.
1:02:33And
1:02:35build that toolbox of strategies to help
1:02:37you manage the full range of emotions so
1:02:39that you can have emotional freedom
1:02:41and achieve your goals.
1:02:45>> Well,
1:02:46Dr. Brackett, I
1:02:49have such a deep admiration
1:02:53for you.
1:02:54>> I appreciate that.
1:02:56>> And I think your work is a real gift.
1:02:59Thank you for sharing it with us today.
1:03:02>> Thank you for giving me the opportunity.
1:03:04>> You're welcome.
1:03:05And I also want to thank you for giving
1:03:07us the gift of your time. I know there
1:03:10is so much that you took away from this
1:03:13and that you are going to share with
1:03:14people that you care about and that
1:03:16you're going to start applying in your
1:03:17life and I'm so excited for you to have
1:03:20these tools and to have all of the
1:03:22wisdom from Dr. Brackett.
1:03:25And in case nobody else tells you today
1:03:27as your friend, I wanted to be sure to
1:03:28tell you that I love you and I believe
1:03:30in you and I believe in your ability to
1:03:32create a better life. And as Dr.
1:03:34Brackett said, when you give yourself
1:03:37permission to feel, when you start to
1:03:39use some of the tools that you learned
1:03:41about today to better understand
1:03:42yourself, to better understand the
1:03:44emotions that you're feeling,
1:03:46you're going to experience a level of
1:03:48freedom that you deserve and you're
1:03:50going to start seeing yourself and your
1:03:52entire life in a different light.
1:03:53[music] I'll see you in the next
1:03:54episode. I'll welcome you in the moment
1:03:56you hit play.
1:03:57Alrighty, thank you for watching [music]
1:03:59all the way to the end on YouTube. And
1:04:02if you're wondering, Mel, what should
1:04:03[music] I watch next? You're going to
1:04:05love this episode. Check it out.

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