How to Look and Sound Confident | Cara Hale Alter | TED — Transcript

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1. 0:01We all have a fundamental desire to be seen and understood.
2. 0:05And to have other people see us the way we see ourselves:
3. 0:08capable, competent,
4. 0:10intelligent, playful, charismatic --
5. 0:13you get to choose the adjectives that fit you.
6. 0:17But that's why when there's a disconnect, when we feel misjudged,
7. 0:22it can be very disconcerting,
8. 0:24even painful.
9. 0:26Several years ago, when I was teaching at Stanford,
10. 0:29one of my students, Lauren,
11. 0:30came to me for help unraveling some confusing feedback
12. 0:36she'd received at her new job.
13. 0:38Lauren said of herself that she was painfully shy and timid,
14. 0:43especially around new people,
15. 0:45so she was taken aback
16. 0:47when her manager told her
17. 0:48that her new coworkers were finding her aggressive and judgmental.
18. 0:53She could not wrap her head around how that could possibly be true.
19. 0:58In observing Lauren, I did notice
20. 1:00that when she was feeling particularly nervous or intimidated,
21. 1:04she took on a pretty extreme poker face
22. 1:07and her posture became rigid and locked down.
23. 1:10So what felt to Lauren from the inside like deer-in-the-headlights panic,
24. 1:17looked from the outside like a cold, hard stare.
25. 1:24So I encouraged her to try to loosen up her facial features
26. 1:27and try to literally reach out rather than close up
27. 1:31when she was feeling uncomfortable.
28. 1:34How we feel on the inside can be very different
29. 1:38from how we come across on the outside.
30. 1:40There's a common misconception that how we come across to others
31. 1:45is very subjective in the eye of the beholder.
32. 1:48But I've spent 25 years studying nonverbal communication,
33. 1:52researching the predominant cues that we as human beings use
34. 1:57to assess credibility, confidence, leadership presence.
35. 2:01And the bottom line is that there are ground rules, metrics.
36. 2:05Certain behaviors lead to very predictable assessments
37. 2:09on the part of the listener.
38. 2:11So if you can better understand
39. 2:13what behaviors lead to what types of assessments,
40. 2:17you can just be more in charge of the image that you project.
41. 2:21And today, I'd like to address two very specific behaviors
42. 2:26that have an outsized impact on what I call visible credibility.
43. 2:31And that's your ability to project confidence and competence
44. 2:35so that other people just immediately recognize your true potential.
45. 2:40These two keystone behaviors are strong posture and strong voice.
46. 2:46And I know that seems cliché --
47. 2:48sit up straight and speak up --
48. 2:50but it is precisely because these behaviors
49. 2:53seem so much like common knowledge
50. 2:55that we don't feel the need to actively cultivate these good habits.
51. 3:00So let me be explicit.
52. 3:02Strong posture means that if you are standing up,
53. 3:05your weight is balanced equally over both feet.
54. 3:08And whether you're standing or you're seated,
55. 3:10your spine and your shoulders form a T.
56. 3:12This area has literal core strength.
57. 3:15There's no wishy-washiness in my spine.
58. 3:18Notice what happens to my appearance of leadership presence
59. 3:21as soon as I allow more flexibility in my spine.
60. 3:25So this has literal core strength,
61. 3:27even if I take a couple of steps.
62. 3:30Then your head moves independently on your shoulders,
63. 3:33like a camera on a tripod,
64. 3:35and your nose and eyes should align and track in the same direction.
65. 3:38Which means that if I look at you,
66. 3:40both my nose and eyes point directly toward you.
67. 3:43And if I look at you, eyes and nose directly toward you.
68. 3:46Notice what happens right now
69. 3:48when my eyes and nose move a little bit more independently.
70. 3:52I'm very likely to look uncomfortable.
71. 3:55But I could also look sneaky.
72. 3:59Or mischievous.
73. 4:00Or judgmental.
74. 4:02Or skeptical.
75. 4:04So here's the takeaway for posture.
76. 4:08If you’d like someone to describe you as having a strong spine and a level head,
77. 4:13I encourage you to have a strong spine and a level head.
78. 4:17If you'd like someone to describe you as being straightforward and direct,
79. 4:22try to be straight on.
80. 4:24And if you'd like to create a closer connection to whoever you're speaking to,
81. 4:29try to literally open up and reach out.
82. 4:34So it's not accidental that we describe someone
83. 4:37who has great influence
84. 4:39as having a powerful voice.
85. 4:42I like to demonstrate the power of the speaking voice
86. 4:45on a scale from one to five.
87. 4:47For volume, one on the scale would mean you can't hear a word I'm saying.
88. 4:51So I'm actually not going to do that.
89. 4:53Two is a bit like this.
90. 4:55It's below average.
91. 4:57Now you can hear me --
92. 4:58it's just that you're doing all the work.
93. 5:01Level three is about like this.
94. 5:02Level three is average, and most people, by the way, speak at average volume.
95. 5:07It's fine.
96. 5:08It's adequate.
97. 5:09But it's just adequate.
98. 5:11I'm missing a lot of opportunities to make a connection and to have influence.
99. 5:15Level four is hopefully where I've been speaking all along.
100. 5:18Now at this volume, I’m trying to come all the way to you,
101. 5:21but it's a sliding scale.
102. 5:23It depends on the size of the room
103. 5:25and the acoustics and the situation itself.
104. 5:27But four means optimal for that situation.
105. 5:33(Very loudly) Level five is that one step too far.
106. 5:36(Laughter)
107. 5:37Where if, at level four,
108. 5:38I was really making a connection with you,
109. 5:41at level five, you begin to put up some boundaries.
110. 5:44So it's a really big drop from four,
111. 5:48getting you a perfect connection,
112. 5:50to that one step too far,
113. 5:52getting you the opposite of what you want.
114. 5:55People will put up barriers.
115. 5:57And most people intuitively know this.
116. 5:59So most people gravitate to the safety of the average zone.
117. 6:05And that is the most common mistake I see with any group that I work with --
118. 6:09people who are willing to be average.
119. 6:11But this is a situation where good is the enemy of great.
120. 6:16Because if your average with any one of your skills,
121. 6:20you won't get any feedback because you're fine.
122. 6:23But you might miss the opportunity to be exceptional.
123. 6:28It sometimes happens that someone will have what I call a meter issue,
124. 6:33and that's that their internal meter or measure
125. 6:36of how loud they are
126. 6:38is out of sync with the external measure,
127. 6:40so they just think they're talking far louder than they are.
128. 6:44And this is a very common problem,
129. 6:46but I experienced a pretty extreme case of this
130. 6:49in one of my seminars.
131. 6:52Eugene was frustrated that his ideas were not being acknowledged in meetings.
132. 6:58He'd bring up a point that he thought was pretty important,
133. 7:01but receive no reaction.
134. 7:04In giving him feedback,
135. 7:05I asked him if he was aware that his volume was significantly soft,
136. 7:10a level two or below on my scale,
137. 7:14and that I was missing about 50 percent of everything he was saying.
138. 7:18He looked up at the other participants and he said,
139. 7:22"Is that true?"
140. 7:24And every person in the room nodded yes.
141. 7:27They had all noticed, but had been too polite to mention it.
142. 7:32In that moment, Eugene had a realization.
143. 7:36He'd been carrying around this burden,
144. 7:39that the problem was his character,
145. 7:42that his ideas were weak,
146. 7:44or that he wasn't worth listening to.
147. 7:47But it finally clicked.
148. 7:49They couldn't technically hear him.
149. 7:53It's important to note that when we receive feedback,
150. 7:56it often comes to us on the character-trait level.
151. 8:00Even well-meaning mentors will offer advice like,
152. 8:04“You need to show more confidence” or “Try to be more assertive”
153. 8:08or "try to be more approachable."
154. 8:12And then you're just left wondering what exact behavior you need to adjust.
155. 8:17What I know as a coach
156. 8:18is that what is often described as a character flaw
157. 8:22is really just a straightforward skills gap.
158. 8:26And if you could identify the specific behavior that needed to be addressed,
159. 8:30it might be relatively easy to fix.
160. 8:33So, for example, so far in this conversation,
161. 8:36I have been trying to follow the guideline
162. 8:39of keeping my head and shoulders level.
163. 8:41But if I were to change that behavior
164. 8:43and have a lot of extraneous movement,
165. 8:45it's possible that the feedback I'd get,
166. 8:47that in order to show more leadership presence,
167. 8:49I should tamp down my enthusiasm or my passion.
168. 8:52(Laughter)
169. 8:54And you can imagine what that would do to my psyche
170. 8:56if my takeaway for how to show more leadership presence
171. 9:00was be less enthusiastic.
172. 9:02When the actual straightforward behavior
173. 9:04that needed to be adjusted just then was”
174. 9:07Can I speak with my head and shoulders level?
175. 9:10That's a relatively easy thing to do.
176. 9:13These skills -- strong posture, strong voice --
177. 9:17they're not that complicated.
178. 9:19And I'm not in any way suggesting that this is the only way
179. 9:24to project credibility and confidence.
180. 9:27If you cannot follow one of these guidelines
181. 9:30for whatever reason, no worries.
182. 9:33There are many ways to demonstrate visible credibility.
183. 9:37It's just that most people find these behaviors relatively easy to adopt,
184. 9:42and they can be game-changing.
185. 9:47I had a young woman in one of my programs, Jamie,
186. 9:51and she thought of herself as a real go-getter,
187. 9:54highly capable, leadership material.
188. 9:57But she wasn't advancing as fast as she thought she should.
189. 10:00The higher-ups just didn't seem to believe in her.
190. 10:05When I sent her to the front of the room for some interactive, on-camera coaching,
191. 10:10I noticed she was sending some pretty mixed signals.
192. 10:14So let me demonstrate.
193. 10:16She started in a very small, asymmetrical posture,
194. 10:20eyes cast down,
195. 10:22and she had a tendency to speak with a thin voice,
196. 10:25using upward inflections.
197. 10:28So I started by asking her to stand with her weight balanced over both feet
198. 10:32and her shoulders level.
199. 10:33And she did.
200. 10:35Then I asked her to pick up her gaze so that her head was level.
201. 10:38And she did.
202. 10:40Then I suggested she open up her gestures
203. 10:43so they'd be a little more interactive.
204. 10:45And she did.
205. 10:47Then I encouraged her to use a full voice
206. 10:50with downward inflections.
207. 10:52And she did.
208. 10:54And then finally,
209. 10:55I suggested she really focus on eye contact
210. 10:59and try to see the people in front of her.
211. 11:02And she did.
212. 11:04And in that moment, she looked like the self-assured,
213. 11:08aspiring leader she thought herself to be.
214. 11:12And I said, "Jamie, that looks great.
215. 11:14How does it feel?"
216. 11:16And she said,
217. 11:18"Phony.
218. 11:21This isn't me."
219. 11:25When we step outside of our usual habits,
220. 11:29it can feel so unnatural.
221. 11:32But there is nothing more natural about being in this position
222. 11:35or being in this position.
223. 11:36They're just habits.
224. 11:38And also, I have to ask, what is you?
225. 11:43Are you how you feel about yourself from the inside?
226. 11:47Or are you what others perceive about you from the outside?
227. 11:52Even though I guide people to use these nonverbal signals intentionally,
228. 11:57I am a fierce advocate for authenticity.
229. 12:00But I don't believe being authentic means you in your raw state,
230. 12:06or you not trying very hard or not caring what other people think.
231. 12:11My definition of authenticity
232. 12:13is when the adjectives you would use to describe yourself
233. 12:18are the very same adjectives someone else would use
234. 12:21to describe you.
235. 12:23There's alignment.
236. 12:25But if you see yourself one way,
237. 12:27and let's just say that's brimming with potential
238. 12:30and ready to take on more responsibility,
239. 12:33but other people are not seeing that about you,
240. 12:36changing your behaviors
241. 12:38so that they would see that about you,
242. 12:40that's not inauthentic.
243. 12:42That's alignment.
244. 12:44That’s you representing yourself accurately.
245. 12:48And there is no tool more helpful for getting this alignment
246. 12:53than the video camera.
247. 12:55When Jamie had a chance to see herself from the outside,
248. 12:58both the before and after versions,
249. 13:00she was very surprised,
250. 13:02but she became immediately motivated
251. 13:06to cultivate those new behaviors until they felt [like] second nature.
252. 13:11It is fairly universal
253. 13:13that people do not like to watch themselves on video,
254. 13:17but the reason people show so much improvement
255. 13:21with just a small amount of on-camera feedback
256. 13:26is that it's not really about ability.
257. 13:29It's about awareness.
258. 13:31Nearly all of us are fully capable of changing a behavior.
259. 13:35We just may not know that we need to.
260. 13:38If we are not coming across at our best,
261. 13:41it is usually because of a blind spot.
262. 13:45And though it is a bitter pill to swallow,
263. 13:48no one, including me,
264. 13:50is immune to a blind spot.
265. 13:55One day, many years ago,
266. 13:58I played with my children in the morning
267. 14:00and then I took them off to preschool.
268. 14:02And that day, as I went around running all of my errands,
269. 14:07everyone I came upon greeted me with these big beaming smiles.
270. 14:12It’s like magic dust had been sprinkled over the Earth
271. 14:16and everybody was in a fantastic mood.
272. 14:18But they seemed especially happy to see me.
273. 14:22When I got home,
274. 14:23I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror,
275. 14:26and I had forgotten that when I was playing with the children in the morning,
276. 14:30I [had] drawn a kitty nose and whiskers on my face.
277. 14:33(Laughter)
278. 14:35So I had been going around all day long
279. 14:38with a kitty nose and whiskers on my face,
280. 14:40and no one had mentioned it.
281. 14:43Not a single person.
282. 14:45And why do you think?
283. 14:48Because they assumed I knew.
284. 14:51I mean, so obvious a signal on my face
285. 14:53could not have been accidental on my part.
286. 14:56So it taught me a couple of lessons
287. 14:58that apply very well to our conversation here today.
288. 15:02First, you cannot trust that you will get outside feedback
289. 15:08because more often than not, people assume you know.
290. 15:12But second, people react to the signals that we send out,
291. 15:17whether we are aware of them or not.
292. 15:20And it can create a reciprocal reaction.
293. 15:23By the time I got home that day,
294. 15:25I was kind of bubbling over with positive energy,
295. 15:28and my rationalization was that the world had changed.
296. 15:33Not that I had anything to do with it.
297. 15:36So this brings me to my call to action.
298. 15:39Be courageous.
299. 15:42Seek out outside feedback.
300. 15:45Intentionally get an outside view of yourself.
301. 15:48Even if it's on your cell phone, in your living room.
302. 15:51And now that you know some of the key signals
303. 15:53for projecting visible credibility --
304. 15:55grounded stance, strong spine,
305. 15:57level shoulders, level head, full voice --
306. 16:01you have some tools to guide you.
307. 16:03Because the good news is that qualities like leadership presence,
308. 16:08credibility, confidence,
309. 16:11these are not special talents that some people have and some don't.
310. 16:15These are skills.
311. 16:17Skills that any one of you can develop.
312. 16:23(Applause)