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How to Go From Chasing to Being Chased in 28 minutes — Transcript

by Aaron Doughty · 4,589 words · 699 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00What if you could go from chasing to
0:02being chosen like this? Like imagine
0:07going from wanting someone to text you
0:10back, wondering if you're good enough.
0:13And imagine [music] you went from that
0:15energy to feeling grounded, safe inside
0:19of your body, curious if you have a
0:21connection with someone, but not chasing
0:24or [music] wondering.
0:26In this video, I'm going to show you
0:28what is called the magnetic identity
0:30ladder. When you become aware of what
0:34identity you are in and the values that
0:36come with it, it will then free you and
0:39allow you to start to be the most
0:42magnetic version of you. By the end of
0:44this video, you will know which ring you
0:47are on. You will know how to get to the
0:50upper levels and you will learn what to
0:52let go of so that you stop seeing trap
0:55and attracting [music] the same kind of
0:57people over and over again or keeping
1:00you from love and connection in [music]
1:01your life. So this video is going to
1:04show you how to escape that trap. And if
1:07you skip this video, that's when
1:08normally you'll stay stuck at these
1:10bottom layers [music] for the next 5 10
1:1215 years because that pattern is still
1:15under the surface.
1:17So the first thing to understand about
1:19this in general is when we talk about
1:22identity realize you don't always get in
1:25life that which you want but you always
1:29get in life a reflection of who you are
1:32being.
1:34So who you are being is what this is
1:36rooted in understanding.
1:38Your identity is what creates your life
1:43because you think, feel and act equal to
1:45whatever that identity is.
1:48So the first thing to become aware of is
1:51what is your self-image?
1:54Like for me back in the day, especially
1:57dating, even after I was on YouTube
2:00doing what I love full-time, there was a
2:02part of my identity where subconsciously
2:06I saw myself as someone that wasn't
2:09worthy of love.
2:11Saw myself as someone that had quite a
2:14bit of unprocessed shame from the past.
2:17So when we look at this layers and this
2:20identity, realize there's a certain
2:22level of either shame or anger under the
2:25surface that keeps us at these bottom
2:27layers. So for me, the first layer and
2:30for in general on this magnetic identity
2:33ladder, the first layer is that of the
2:35chaser.
2:37It's that of the person that's wanting
2:40love, connection, but not even. It's the
2:44ver it's the part of us that actually
2:46wants approval. The part that wants
2:48validation because as a kid if it did
2:51not feel normal to get love and approval
2:55then what'll happen is that will be one
2:57of the top values. So when we look at
3:00these identities as well realize that
3:02they're rooted in certain values.
3:05Like I remember very clearly one of the
3:08most powerful shifts I had in
3:10recognizing my relationship patterns was
3:13actually right over here where I'm at.
3:14I'm in Sedona right now and I have this
3:17balcony that's right out here that's
3:18like overlooking the view of Sedona. And
3:21I was hanging out with my best friend
3:23and we were talking about relationship
3:24patterns and one of the things that I
3:27was in at the time, this is like so many
3:29years ago, like five or six years ago.
3:32Um, I was recognizing that there was
3:34this energy where I didn't feel chosen
3:37and there was this energy where I was
3:39trying to get someone else on board. It
3:43was almost like I was in the fix it
3:44dynamic where I was holding space for
3:46them and just kind of waiting around.
3:50And one of the insights, one of the
3:52things that really began to snap me out
3:54of it was this. And this is what will
3:55begin to free you out of this layer.
3:59Okay, this is the deeper inner child
4:01stuff that we talk about here on this
4:02channel.
4:04There was this moment where I realized
4:07with my friend, we had this conversation
4:09and I realized that this person not
4:12coming around
4:13there was not it's not my fault. There
4:16was nothing wrong with me.
4:19And what this realization is was a
4:23realization that also in childhood it
4:27wasn't my fault if mom wasn't able to
4:30meet my needs especially earlier on. So
4:34it's like unless we process and look at
4:36the energy underneath this identity
4:39which in a way think about it like this.
4:41Here's a huge shift that will help you
4:43understand your patterns in a much
4:45deeper way and really get the most out
4:46of this video.
4:48See each of these identities as a inner
4:52child part of you.
4:55I really think this will shift it for
4:56you. So every one of us has a part of
5:00ourselves that may feel a certain level
5:03of shame. And what happens is as a kid
5:07there was this initial split. It's like
5:10the split of authenticity.
5:12There is you playing in the sandbox just
5:15being yourself.
5:16Your parents are off to the side and
5:19it's like they're witnessing you play,
5:21do your thing, but there might be a part
5:23of you that just like you feel safe
5:24because you're able to play, but then at
5:26a certain moment something shifted.
5:29Maybe a parent got mad. Maybe someone
5:31wasn't around. Maybe you got in trouble.
5:34And all of a sudden, a split. Who do I
5:38have to be in order to receive mom and
5:41dad's love? As a kid,
5:44I need to be hyper alert. I need to be
5:47quiet. I need to be perfect. I need to
5:50please. That split is what causes these
5:56bottom two level identities to be
5:59trapped.
6:01And until you process this energy, you
6:04will attract people into your life that
6:07reflect back the identity layer you are
6:09at.
6:12So think about this for a minute. If you
6:14are at the level of the chaser,
6:17you are leaning in and hoping to be
6:19chosen.
6:20As the level of the chaser of that
6:23identity, who does the chaser attract to
6:26play out the dynamics with?
6:30The chaser will attract the runner.
6:33It's almost like because there's this
6:35unresolved energy from the past, you
6:38will then attract people that reflect
6:39back that energy.
6:42So it's about realizing that this is not
6:45who you are. This is a layer of identity
6:48that as you begin to process begins to
6:50completely transform your life.
6:53So for me back in the day, one of the
6:55realizations was was it's not my fault.
7:00It's not my fault if somebody doesn't
7:02come around. Somebody doesn't
7:04reciprocate love. wasn't my fault as a
7:07kid because I was two or three years old
7:10and my mom's dad died and she wasn't as
7:13present with me during those times.
7:16Wasn't my fault. But as a kid, we
7:17internalize it.
7:20You see? So, the deeper layer here and
7:22the surface level identity is you might
7:25be looking and you might be texting, you
7:27might be wondering like what's
7:29happening. You might be um hoping they
7:31like you. The identity itself is trapped
7:35because there's unprocessed energy there
7:37around validation and approval and you
7:40will look for it on the external up
7:43until
7:45you give it to yourself on the internal.
7:48So for me I had to accept that shame. I
7:51had accept that emotion and actually let
7:53it be there. I had to see here soothe
7:55the nurture that inner child part of me.
7:58And as I did and I realized it wasn't my
8:00fault. It was like then whether they did
8:03choose or not, it didn't matter because
8:05it didn't have anything to do with my
8:07sense of selfworth.
8:10So as the chaser identity, you might
8:12stay trapped because you think that
8:15someone else choosing you or not is
8:17going to choose is going to show
8:18something about you.
8:21But the thing to realize here is that
8:24just in the same way whether someone
8:25chooses you or not is not something you
8:27need to manage. It's not your fault if
8:30dad or mom wasn't physically or
8:32emotionally present as a kid.
8:34Okay. So, who do you need to be to lean
8:38into the parts of yourself that you may
8:40have been avoiding? Which leads us to
8:42the very powerful level of the second
8:43ring. Are you ready?
8:46This right here is the level of the
8:49performer.
8:50The performer. This is the person that
8:53you might not be chasing, but you might
8:55be still in some performance mechanism
8:58as a kid.
9:00And these are also connected to the
9:02patterns which is some of the deepest
9:04layers of transformation that I teach.
9:06It's about it's around identity and
9:07patterns. When you shift this, you will
9:10raise what is called your baseoint
9:11vibration and you will begin to embody a
9:14completely new version of you. But let's
9:17talk about those core patterns for a
9:18moment.
9:20Now the first core pattern that we can
9:22look at is there are six core patterns.
9:27Okay, the six core patterns are patterns
9:31that are rooted in childhood patterns of
9:33of that split I was mentioning.
9:36So, one is people pleasing,
9:39one is overgiving.
9:42I'm just going to do these little pee pe
9:43OG. One is perfectionism.
9:48One is invisible.
9:52Then we have that of controlling
9:57which some of these are other versions
9:58of control but then we have
9:59self-reliance.
10:02Self-reliance these are some of the six
10:04core patterns and what happens is these
10:07core patterns are developed as survival
10:11strategies for who you had to be as a
10:14kid to receive mom and dad's love and
10:16approval.
10:17Well, down here at this level, the
10:21belief is that I'm not worthy and I need
10:24to chase to get what I want. And there's
10:26a certain level of valuing because
10:28values make up an identity. Valuing
10:30validation and approval. For a long
10:33time, I was valuing validation and
10:35approval and wanting that from who I was
10:38dating because I wasn't giving it to
10:40myself.
10:41And when I began to validate and approve
10:43of myself
10:45and recognize that their actions do not
10:48determine how I feel on the inside,
10:51that was when a big shift started to
10:53happen.
10:55Now, this level right here
10:58is more based on what do I do? I need to
11:01do I need to add value. I need to
11:04provide for me to be worthy. For women,
11:07that might be a certain type of um
11:09energy, certain level of femininity. for
11:11man it's a certain level of provided
11:12safety but still at the same time it's
11:15like I am only what I do and a lot of
11:18times these patterns are versions of
11:20that doing
11:22so at the level of performing this is
11:24also where a lot of people tend to get
11:26into the area of what you could call
11:29independence
11:31this might be I'm an empath I feel other
11:33people's energies and it's almost like
11:36subconsciously there's a little bit more
11:37of a victim dynamic where it's like this
11:39is happening to
11:41At this level, it's a little bit more
11:43empowering because you've taken
11:45responsibility for your story
11:47and also you're like perform. I can take
11:50action.
11:52I can um I can provide value and and do
11:57cool things in the world and create
11:58success for myself. Certain level of
12:01independence. And what happens is then
12:04that level will get you quite a bit of
12:05success,
12:08but it's still rooted in the pattern.
12:11And one of the most powerful things I
12:12teach is that the pattern that got you
12:15into the situation or level of
12:17consciousness is not the pattern that
12:18gets you out of it.
12:21So you can't o ever people please enough
12:23to get out of people pleasing. There's
12:25some other part of yourself that you
12:27have to embrace.
12:30Now there's a process that I have that's
12:32also called shift.
12:36It stands for seeing the pattern,
12:38healing the root, integrating the
12:40shadow, feeling the frequency now and
12:44transformation. And if you want to
12:46learn, by the way, step by step how to
12:47apply that, I'm going to be running a
12:49free 5-day identity magnetic identity
12:52shift challenge. I'm going to be doing
12:54live breath work, live workshops,
12:56teachings, and coaching to help you
12:57transform. It's completely free. I'm
12:59going to go and link it below. You can
13:00sign up for the next one. But this is
13:03exactly what we do, by the way. We begin
13:04moving up this ladder so that we get
13:06more into these layers over here. So
13:09then I can look at myself, by the way,
13:10and see that I performed and I've
13:12created success on YouTube and done all
13:14of these things, but still there's a
13:17certain level of independence that was
13:19also, I think, rooted in a self-reliant
13:22pattern that was like, I don't need
13:24anybody else. intimacy at times would
13:27feel a little bit scary.
13:30So, it's interesting how you can rock
13:32back and forth a little bit too because
13:34people tend to believe that if you are
13:37anxious or chasing that you are
13:41emotionally available.
13:43You're not because you're chasing
13:46normally an avoidant person and then
13:48what happens is that person is not
13:51emotionally available but subconsciously
13:53somehow that feels safe. And really what
13:56you can think of emotional availability
13:58as it's your ability to feel the emotion
14:01under the surface and accept it.
14:05And think about it anxious attachment
14:08versus avoidant attachment. Two sides of
14:11the spectrum. Then there's secure
14:13attachment which is more balanced.
14:16Anxious leans in doesn't feel
14:18comfortable and as a control mechanism
14:20needs to lean in to get the needs met.
14:22Avoidant does not feel safe and
14:24comfortable in intimacy. So they must
14:27control and pull back and that creates
14:30the pull.
14:32Sometimes you can [clears throat] move
14:33from this dynamic into independence and
14:36it's like there's still a layer of
14:37self-reliance and a layer of energy
14:40underneath the surface of being afraid
14:41of intimacy.
14:43It's very interesting cuz for a while on
14:45my journey back like 5, seven years ago,
14:49I could look at certain dynamics and
14:50see, oh, there's more anxious energy
14:52there. And then after that I moved
14:54through to a level to where then it was
14:56like my my opportunity then was actually
15:00to lean into love and intimacy because
15:03then I was like I'm safe by myself which
15:06is connected to what do I do?
15:08So this layer as well values what do I
15:12do values independence
15:15values um a lot of alone time and could
15:18be definitely a more empowering level to
15:20be than to be at the level of the
15:21chaser.
15:23But where where things really begin to
15:25change is when there's an identity shift
15:27that happens where you begin to go
15:29beyond the identity and into
15:31authenticity.
15:34And for this level, this is the level of
15:37grounded
15:39grounded in sense of yourself to where
15:41you are literally good either way.
15:45At this level, there's an acceptance
15:48that other people don't determine your
15:50sense of selfworth.
15:52There's an acceptance that you can
15:54express the real you knowing that how
15:57other people respond.
16:00It doesn't matter.
16:02It is not your thing to manage.
16:06When I got to this layer, this was a
16:07certain level of authenticity when I
16:09learned something called the frame
16:10technique.
16:12I remember that when I was meeting
16:15someone for the first time that was a
16:17ex-girlfriend of mine for a while. I
16:20remember this person was vegan and I
16:22remember that she was coming to meet me
16:25and I remember in a moment that I had a
16:28choice because I was like, "Oh, she's
16:29vegan. We have different values because
16:30I'm not vegan. I at the time wasn't
16:32vegan. I was vegan for years and then I
16:34started to eat like meat again and it
16:36was something it was like as I was going
16:38more into being more grounded for
16:41myself." this. I'm not saying that you
16:42need to eat meat to be grounded at all,
16:44by the way. But nonetheless, I was going
16:47through my own transformation and it was
16:48something like I I remember I had a
16:51moment to where I was like, do I express
16:53this or is she going to like it or not?
16:55And I was like, you know what? I'm just
16:56going to express who I really am or you
16:58know what I I'm not going to lie or or
17:00put anything else to the side. This is
17:02how I choose to be. And I remember that
17:05in different moments, the more I was
17:06grounded in my inside of myself, the
17:08more authentic I was because to be
17:11outside of the pattern, by the way, it's
17:13extremely unattractive because it's not
17:15authentic. It's back to that split,
17:17right? So in the performing, that's also
17:21people pleaser dynamic. It's a part of
17:23people pleasing.
17:25So for me, I had to look at that pattern
17:27and realize it's not actually authentic.
17:30And by the way, if you want a easy way
17:33to begin shifting your identity, here's
17:36something that works so powerfully.
17:39You know how you say maybe if you are um
17:42like imposttor syndrome, right? Back in
17:45the day when I sold women shoes, I
17:47remember imposttor syndrome would come
17:48up as I started to make videos on
17:50YouTube. And at one moment I recognized
17:54that the version of me that was selling
17:57women shoes would say or as as I was
18:00being a YouTuber I was like this feels
18:02fake. This isn't the real me. The jobgo
18:05go version of me is the real me. I
18:07recognized that wasn't true. The real
18:10impostor was the part of me that was
18:12pretending to be a nineto-ive jobgo.
18:15It' become familiar but it wasn't really
18:17me.
18:18I could see that it was like a coping
18:20mechanism and I was just being settled
18:23with a job I didn't like talking to
18:25corporate politics etc. And then instead
18:28I viewed that as like the past condition
18:31me and I viewed the YouTuber me as the
18:33real me even though it came with blocks.
18:37It came with fear around putting myself
18:39out there and everything.
18:41I redefined what that identity was and
18:43what it felt like. The excitement was a
18:46part of the identity.
18:48In the same way as you are shifting out
18:50of an old performing pattern which could
18:52be one of these.
18:55Think about it like I the people pleaser
18:58version of me was not the real me. That
19:01was the conditioned me that was trying
19:03to get the needs met. But what I was
19:05able to do was to see it, accept it
19:09and then at the same time integrate the
19:11other side of that which is what happens
19:13at this level. This is where integration
19:15happens.
19:20When you integrate your shadow,
19:22integrating your shadow means as a
19:25people pleaser, it was not safe to feel
19:28the tension of other people or to get
19:31their disapproval.
19:34It was not safe to have a perspective
19:37cuz pain would come from actually having
19:39like giving someone else feels tension.
19:42Someone else's energy felt like yours to
19:44manage. The powerful part of leaking
19:47into or stepping into the groundedness
19:49part of you is developing a new
19:52relationship with your shadow
19:54which means stepping into
19:57the authenticity. Knowing their tension
20:00is not your thing to manage.
20:03Whether someone likes you or not is not
20:05your thing to manage.
20:08So for me, what I learned to do is I had
20:11to learn how to have a new relationship
20:13with anger and a new relationship with
20:16fear.
20:18And the more repetitions I put in on
20:20embracing what I call the dark side, the
20:24bad side,
20:26in fact, think about this bad part of
20:28you. The bad part of you leaning against
20:31the lockers back in high school with a
20:32toothpick in your mouth, a leather
20:34jacket, the bad boy
20:37is bad. But here's the thing. Each of
20:42these parts of you are a part of you
20:44that as you begin to see, hear, soothe,
20:46and nurture, and accept are part of you
20:49you can realize that this isn't really
20:51only who you are. And the bad part of
20:54you is a part you've been rejecting. So
20:57if someone's a people pleaser or an
20:59overgiver, it is bad
21:02to express the real you. It is bad to be
21:05vulnerable.
21:07If you are self-reliant and
21:09hyperindependent, it is bad to not take
21:12action. It is bad to sit with those
21:15emotions. It is bad to ask for help.
21:19If you're invisible, that's your pattern
21:21to be invisible. It is bad to be seen.
21:24It is bad to be loud. It is bad.
21:28I'm thinking of the song right now. Bad
21:29and bone. And you got to you got to
21:32embrace that bad and bone mentality.
21:35That's how you integrate. You become
21:36free. This is how you become magnetic.
21:40Bad is polarizing.
21:42You want to be bad. And by bad, I don't
21:45mean be some like raging narcissistic
21:47a-hole,
21:49but I mean like as a kid, because I
21:51think I experienced as a kid an
21:52ex-stepmom that was controlling and
21:54manipulative. She had a lot of power,
21:56but it was manipulative power. I had
21:58disowned the power inside of myself,
22:01the assertiveness inside of myself. I
22:04had to learn to see it in a healthy way.
22:08And this meant I went through a phase of
22:09this magnetic identity part of me of
22:11like being okay either way with if
22:14people liked me or not. Okay either way
22:18with whether they chose me or not. And
22:21this was a layer that really is like
22:24empowering and is the layer that I
22:26really teach inside my six week cohorts
22:30live events and my free 5day challenges.
22:34I show you how to raise up this level
22:37and to the most magnetic you.
22:40So at the level of groundedness, you're
22:42then good either way. But still there's
22:46a layer even above this. Okay, this is
22:48where you start focusing on
22:49authenticity.
22:51This is where you start focused on
22:53connecting to yourself and your passion.
22:56This is where you realize that other
22:57people's tension many times is I mean
23:00it's not your thing to manage but then
23:01you start to realize that polarity is a
23:03good thing. If you polarize people and
23:06some people like you, some people don't,
23:08that is better than you trying to be in
23:10a performance mechanism to get everyone
23:11to like you.
23:14You ever met someone before that even if
23:16you did not agree with them,
23:19you respected them because they were
23:21authentic?
23:23As I started to express myself more
23:25authentically a few years ago out of
23:27this pattern into this energy,
23:30I noticed that I had to have
23:31uncomfortable conversations with some
23:33people to reestablish dynamics.
23:36Even though there wasn't maybe
23:38validation, approval, or the good feel
23:39behind it, guess what? There was
23:41respect.
23:43sometimes for the first time in years.
23:45So remember then you're focusing the
23:48each of these layers are like a
23:50different aspect of yourself with if
23:52you're stuck at this layer there's a
23:54part of you you need to see here soo and
23:55nurture.
23:57So as you move from chasing to
23:59performing to then being grounded what
24:01do you think the top layer is? What do
24:04you think it is?
24:08You go from the chaser to being chosen
24:12or to being the chooser. Let's talk
24:14about that. The chooser.
24:17Here's the the the joke of the whole
24:18thing is that
24:21if you look at abandonment or
24:23self-abandonment versus authenticity,
24:26every layer below this requires some
24:29layer of self-abandonment
24:31or tuning to others to gain validation,
24:33approval. At this layer, you are focused
24:38on recognizing that your relationship
24:41with other people is a direct reflection
24:43of your relationship to self.
24:46And that as you can become aware of
24:48that, you then see that your actual work
24:51is in your ability to love yourself and
24:54your ability to love others.
24:57Which also means your ability to accept
25:00yourself and your ability to accept
25:02others.
25:04Think of the difference of an energy on
25:06a date. If you go on and you're like, I
25:08hope they choose me.
25:11What do I have to do to be chosen?
25:14Maybe I don't need it. I'll just be
25:16myself. But then recognizing that you
25:20are the one that chooses you. And the
25:22way in which you choose you is you
25:25choose to be vulnerable, which is scary.
25:28By the way, in the performance
25:29hyperindependent level,
25:31it is scary to be expressive and to
25:35express your emotions and to be
25:36vulnerable.
25:38But this is where the magic is.
25:41This is where, you know, at a certain
25:42level of grounded, you're like, I don't
25:44need nobody. I don't need anybody. It's
25:47safe over here. I'm going to meditate in
25:49a cave. If I meditate in a cave, I don't
25:52need nobody. There's not that much
25:53issues. Nobody's nobody's like being
25:58messy. Nobody's doing this. Nobody's
26:01doing that. But guess what? True degree
26:04of transformation comes when you
26:07actually embrace intimacy.
26:10Part of this doesn't mean just choosing
26:12you. It means choosing
26:16love, choosing connection.
26:20Now also when you get to this magnetic
26:22level as well for men and women,
26:24feminine and masculine,
26:26feminine normally becomes focused on
26:28realizing this is about embodying love.
26:32Men or masculine focus on embodying
26:35truth.
26:36that becomes a high priority
26:39in connected to the values and self
26:43versus looking
26:45for love on the outside or looking for
26:48truth on the outside.
26:50It's a level of identity shift that
26:52really begins to happen in a very deep
26:54powerful way.
26:57So moving up these layers is really
26:59about letting go of the values and the
27:01frame of the prior layers. And one of
27:03the ways you do that is by seeing,
27:05hearing, soothing, nurturing, and
27:06accepting that part of you that's like
27:08the inner child part of you that might
27:10have what might have buried shame and
27:12[music] anger.
27:14And as you see, why do you need to see
27:16it? By the way, many [music] people try
27:18to change their inner child. Ew. Chaser
27:22performer, [music]
27:25right? Chase, I'm going to change you
27:26cuz this is embarrassing.
27:28But guess what?
27:30It's about actually accepting it.
27:32Remember the pattern that got you here
27:34is the pattern that gets you here. You
27:35must observe and accept the pattern. Be
27:38aware of it. But as you begin to get
27:40more authentic through integration and
27:43feeling the emotions of what you want to
27:44experience now, because you recognize
27:46those emotions are in your body, you
27:48begin to prime yourself and mind and
27:49heart coherence for a new version
27:50[music] of yourself. And outer reality
27:54is a reflection of your inner reality.
27:56This is why you must change at the being
27:59level.
28:00So, if you do want to join that 5day
28:03magnetic uh identity shift challenge,
28:05I'll go and link it below. And then
28:06also, if you want a meditation for
28:08looking at this identity, one of the
28:10most powerful meditations I have is on
28:11raising your dominant vibration. It
28:13literally has to do with you associating
28:15to a new image version of you to be it
28:18and embody the emotions. Now, [music]
28:19one of my most popular meditations I
28:21have on my channel. Read the comments to
28:23even see what's possible and check it
28:25out right here. Listen to it for 21
28:26days. Watch what [music]
28:28happens.

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