How to Get Your Teen to Talk to You (NOT a Chatbot) | Dr. Becky — Transcript

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1. 0:00This might be the most important video I
2. 0:01make about your kid and AI. And weirdly,
3. 0:04it's not really about AI. When we worry
4. 0:06about our kids and AI, we tend to worry
5. 0:08about what the chatbot is going to tell
6. 0:11them. I'm a little worried about
7. 0:12something else. When our kids start
8. 0:14telling chat or Claude all the things
9. 0:16they used to eventually tell us. So,
10. 0:19here's what we're going to do today.
11. 0:20We're going to talk about why a teen
12. 0:22might find it easy to talk to AI and
13. 0:24more difficult to talk to you about the
14. 0:25hard stuff. I'm going to keep that super
15. 0:27concise because I want to get to the
16. 0:28next part ASAP. I'm going to give you
17. 0:30three simple things you can do to make
18. 0:32it more likely that your teen comes to
19. 0:34you with the really important emotional
20. 0:36stuff. I know how important this topic
21. 0:38is to parents. So, in addition, I've
22. 0:40created a free guide with all of this
23. 0:42plus more, so you can download it, keep
24. 0:44it, share it with others. Think about
25. 0:46what it was like being a teen before AI.
26. 0:48Something happens, you feel left out, or
27. 0:51you do something you're really ashamed
28. 0:52of, you know it was wrong. Your friends
29. 0:54are drinking and you don't really know
30. 0:56how to handle it. Maybe someone says
31. 0:58something awful about you or another
32. 1:00kid. Maybe you don't tell your parents.
33. 1:02In fact, you probably don't because
34. 1:03you're a teenager. You go to your room.
35. 1:05You think about it. You maybe talk to a
36. 1:06friend. But sometimes the feelings get
37. 1:09[music] big enough that eventually at
38. 1:1111:30 at night, you walk into your
39. 1:13parents' room and just say, "Can I talk
40. 1:15to you about something?" Today, there's
41. 1:16somewhere else to go first. And look,
42. 1:18talking to Claude or chat isn't always a
43. 1:21bad thing. Sometimes it can help your
44. 1:22kid find words for something they
45. 1:24couldn't name. It might even help them
46. 1:26think through something before they're
47. 1:28ready to say it out loud to you. It
48. 1:30could help them feel less alone.
49. 1:32>> [music]
50. 1:32>> But I don't want my kid growing up only
51. 1:35knowing how to be vulnerable with a
52. 1:36chatbot. Because being vulnerable with a
53. 1:38person is very different. People can
54. 1:41misunderstand you.
55. 1:42People often have reactions. They make
56. 1:44you clarify. You have to repair. You
57. 1:46have to figure out how to stay connected
58. 1:48when a conversation doesn't go
59. 1:50perfectly. These aren't inconveniences
60. 1:53of human relationships. These are the
61. 1:54skills of human relationships. And I
62. 1:57think we have to understand why talking
63. 2:00to a chatbot feels so appealing to a
64. 2:03teen. Because we have to understand
65. 2:05something before we even have a chance
66. 2:07to change it. Think about being 15.
67. 2:09Something awful just happened. Okay, you
68. 2:12could tell your parent, but before you
69. 2:14do, you know you're going to think, are
70. 2:15they going to freak out? Are they going
71. 2:17to ask me a million questions? Are they
72. 2:18going to punish me? Am I going to have
73. 2:21to manage [music] their reaction on top
74. 2:23of everything I'm already feeling? Or
75. 2:26you can open your phone,
76. 2:28type,
77. 2:30or not even, just voice note it in.
78. 2:32Gemini doesn't gasp. Claude doesn't look
79. 2:35disappointed. Chat's not immediately
80. 2:37calling the other kids' mom.
81. 2:39And none of those will ever say,
82. 2:41I knew that was going to happen. I mean,
83. 2:43let's be honest, that's a pretty
84. 2:44compelling offer. And I think there's
85. 2:46something to learn from that. Not, okay,
86. 2:48how do I become more like Claude? No.
87. 2:50Our kids don't need chatbot parents. Our
88. 2:52kids need parent parents.
89. 2:55The thing to reflect on is what makes it
90. 2:57hard for my kid to tell me things.
91. 2:58Because here's what's [music] different
92. 2:59now. A reliable, make you feel better
93. 3:02immediately form of help is available
94. 3:04before our kids ever get to that point
95. 3:07of desperation where they come into our
96. 3:08room. So, what do we do with that? Do we
97. 3:10make AI off-limits? I mean, for me, that
98. 3:12doesn't seem realistic, and I'm not even
99. 3:14sure it's what we want. Do we just use
100. 3:16chat with our kids? Do we talk to them
101. 3:18about it? Do we have to become an
102. 3:19expert? How? These are all great
103. 3:21questions to think about. But, in what I
104. 3:23hope is a relieving light, I think we
105. 3:25can start somewhere way more basic. Stay
106. 3:28connected to your teen. Become a bit
107. 3:30more of the kind of parent they actually
108. 3:32want to come to. And here are three
109. 3:34moves you can do today. They don't
110. 3:37guarantee your kid will talk to you
111. 3:38about the hard stuff, but they certainly
112. 3:40increase the likelihood. And I don't
113. 3:42know about you, but
114. 3:43I always like improving my chances. One,
115. 3:47be available before they need you. This
116. 3:50means being in the kitchen at 6:00 p.m.
117. 3:52ish when your kid gets home. Don't
118. 3:55hover. Don't fire off questions. Just
119. 3:57kind of be there doing nothing. Now,
120. 4:00here's what's going to happen. Your teen
121. 4:01will walk through the kitchen, maybe
122. 4:03grab something from the fridge, maybe
123. 4:04see you, say almost nothing, and leave.
124. 4:08And you're going to think,
125. 4:09"That was pointless. That Dr. Becky
126. 4:12doesn't know what she's talking about."
127. 4:13But, I promise you it's not pointless.
128. 4:14Teens are tracking how available we are.
129. 4:18All of those minutes that feel pointless
130. 4:21in the moment because they don't lead to
131. 4:23anything then are the reason why your
132. 4:26kid is going to be a little more likely
133. 4:28to go to you and not a chatbot. Two,
134. 4:30make disclosure feel safe. Say this with
135. 4:33me, "Thank you for telling me." I'll
136. 4:35describe how to use those words later,
137. 4:37but for right now, just commit those
138. 4:39words to memory. A teen is taking in
139. 4:41your first reaction to their share. And
140. 4:44based on that, they become more or less
141. 4:46likely to tell you something the next
142. 4:49time. Watch this. There was drinking at
143. 4:51Sasha's last night. What? Drinking? Who
144. 4:54was there? Was there a parent there? I
145. 4:55need all the details right now. When
146. 4:56those get paired together, my vulnerable
147. 4:58risk and my parent's immediate freakout,
148. 5:02I think we can both understand it's just
149. 5:03going to be harder for your kid to come
150. 5:06to your room at 11:30 p.m. versus going
151. 5:08to that chatbot. We just have to make
152. 5:10our first reaction
153. 5:11a little safer. First of all,
154. 5:13thank you for telling me. And then,
155. 5:16you zip it for 10 seconds. I want to
156. 5:19model what that looks like.
157. 5:24I want to be honest.
158. 5:25It's really hard.
159. 5:27And you can do it. Because what that
160. 5:29does is it gives your kid permission to
161. 5:32tell you more. I am putting my own panic
162. 5:34and all of my important questions, which
163. 5:36I want to validate, are important, on my
164. 5:39shelf. When you say, "Thank you for
165. 5:41telling me," it keeps the door open. If
166. 5:44our kids learn,
167. 5:45I disclose and I get disciplined in the
168. 5:48same moment,
169. 5:50we're accidentally training our kids to
170. 5:51tell us less. Three,
171. 5:54ask your kid how to become easier to
172. 5:56talk to. It seems obvious, but it's
173. 5:58often the last thing we do. It can sound
174. 6:00like this.
175. 6:01I want to be someone you can come to
176. 6:03with the hard messy stuff and I think
177. 6:05sometimes I may have made that harder
178. 6:07than it needs to be. I'd love to know
179. 6:08one thing I could do differently [music]
180. 6:10that would make you feel safer telling
181. 6:12me stuff. Now, here's the harder part
182. 6:14than saying that script.
183. 6:16Staying quiet and listening. If you do
184. 6:18say any words, keep them super simple.
185. 6:21Thank you for telling me. Tell me more.
186. 6:23Or I'm really going to take that in and
187. 6:26think about it. Don't disagree in that
188. 6:27moment. Don't defend yourself in that
189. 6:29moment. We can be right
190. 6:31or we can be effective and we can't be
191. 6:33both. If you want your kid to come to
192. 6:35you with stuff, you have to listen to
193. 6:37their feedback because they're trying to
194. 6:39tell you what they need. AI didn't
195. 6:42create a new parenting problem. It just
196. 6:44raised the bar on something that has
197. 6:46always mattered, being someone your kid
198. 6:48wants to talk to. Because now our kids
199. 6:50have somewhere else to go that's
200. 6:51instantly available, that never freaks
201. 6:53out, that makes them feel better pretty
202. 6:55quickly. Our job isn't to compete with
203. 6:57that or to have some perfect response
204. 6:58every time they talk to us. Our job is
205. 7:00to keep [music] building the kind of
206. 7:02relationship where when something is
207. 7:04really hard, our kids don't want to find
208. 7:07us. It's more important than ever. I've
209. 7:09put these three moves plus the five
210. 7:11things I think are worth teaching your
211. 7:12kid about AI into the guide below.
212. 7:14Remember, every small move we make that
213. 7:16makes it easier for our kid to come to
214. 7:18us, that's always mattered.
215. 7:20In an AI world,
216. 7:22it matters even [music] more. Parenting
217. 7:23a teen has never been easy.
218. 7:25And now there's a whole new layer on it.
219. 7:26But remember, you don't have to figure
220. 7:28it all out alone. So, download today's
221. 7:29guide because it's really helpful to
222. 7:31just have something in your back pocket
223. 7:32for a moment you might need it. And you
224. 7:34never know when that moment's going to
225. 7:35be.
226. 7:36>> [music]
227. 7:36>> And if you haven't already, subscribe
228. 7:38and join us for more conversations that
229. 7:40I a little more clarity and possibility
230. 7:42to this stage of the parenting journey.
231. 7:45I'll see you next time.