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How to Enjoy Your Life — Transcript

by Dr. Arthur Brooks · 7,259 words · 1,137 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00As a kid, I would come home from school
0:01and I would practice my French horn and
0:03then I would paint with my mother and it
0:05was just bliss. But my mom was better
0:07than me, not just because she was older,
0:08but because she had more ability. I
0:10remember asking her, I was probably 13
0:11or 14 years [music] old, how I could
0:13improve as an artist. She said, "Look
0:16deeply at the thing you're trying to
0:19[music] draw, that you want to draw.
0:20Think about it and look at it again.
0:22Stare at it. Look at the nuances.
0:25Then try." Savouring experiences [music]
0:28in life, neutral experiences, good
0:30experiences, even bad experiences, can
0:32be fundamentally game-changing in your
0:34[music] well-being. One of the biggest
0:36ways that we miss our happiness
0:38is that we're not here, we're not fully
0:41alive. And I promise you that if you
0:43learn to savor your life,
0:45your life's going to change.
0:53Hi friends, welcome to Office [music]
0:54Hours. I'm Arthur Brooks. This is a show
0:56about how you can lift people up and
0:58bring them together in bonds of
0:59happiness [music] and love using actual
1:01science and ideas. This is a show that
1:04actually shows you how research can be
1:06in the public interest and indeed your
1:08interest. If you want to lift people up,
1:10if you want to help people to become
1:11their best selves, this show's for you.
1:13That's why I do it. I want to be
1:14happier, I want you to be happier, and I
1:16want you to help other people to be
1:18happier. And furthermore, this is not
1:20just a self-improvement idea. This is
1:22one that's actually based in data and
1:24that's what we'll be talking about. This
1:25is an evidence-based program about how
1:27to live your best life. Hope you've
1:29enjoyed it so far. If you do, please
1:31recommend this show to other people. Uh
1:33hit like and subscribe wherever you're
1:35uh listening or watching this show. That
1:37actually helps the algorithms find other
1:39people, as a matter of fact, and and I
1:41appreciate you doing that an awful lot.
1:42If you have questions or criticisms or
1:44comments, we want to hear it. Leave it
1:45in the notes, um leave it in the comment
1:47sections, wherever you're consuming this
1:49content, or send me a note at
1:52[email protected].
1:54Uh don't forget to leave a review. We
1:56want to know what you think and once
1:57again, that's really helpful to the show
1:58so that we can continue to spread as we
2:00are. Bigger audiences almost every week.
2:02So, thanks to you for that. Hey friends,
2:04a lot of you know that I keep a very
2:06high protein diet. That's important for
2:07me in my 60s cuz I want to maintain a
2:09good level of muscle protein synthesis
2:11[music] and I don't always have time to
2:14eat as much protein as I want from whole
2:15foods. That's the ideal, but it's just
2:17not manageable all the time. For that
2:19reason, I'm always looking for
2:21supplements that can actually get me
2:22where I need to go with respect to my
2:23macronutrient profile. A bunch of my
2:25friends were telling me that David
2:28Protein is a really good source. The
2:30reason is because protein bars in
2:32general, they're handy, they're
2:33convenient, but they can be very high in
2:35calories and they can actually be really
2:37high in carbohydrate, especially in the
2:39form of sugar. David Protein, I heard,
2:41was better and sure enough, it's got a
2:43great profile. It has 40% [music] more
2:45protein and 57% fewer calories than most
2:49of the protein bars you find out there.
2:5128 g [music] of protein, 150 calories, 0
2:54g of sugar. That's actually quite a feat
2:56to put that together. And by the way,
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2:59has a new bronze line with 20 g of
3:02protein, 150 [music] calories, and 0 g
3:05of sugar. That comes to 53% calories
3:08from protein, another industry-leading
3:10protein-to-calorie ratio, [music]
3:11as most leading protein bars on the
3:14market average 40% or lower. Each
3:16[music] bronze bar features a smooth,
3:18decadent marshmallow base with a
3:20flavor-filled layering, airy [music]
3:21crisp, and a chocolate-flavored coating,
3:23providing a different taste and texture
3:25profile compared [music] to our hero
3:27gold line. I started buying David
3:29Protein bars and now I'm pleased that
3:31they're sponsoring [music]
3:32this show as well. So, whether you're on
3:34the go or hitting the gym, if you're
3:36trying to meet your protein targets,
3:37[music] David Protein is a good way for
3:39you to do it. That's why I'm doing it
3:41and it's what I'm carrying when I'm on
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3:46They got a special offer for you. If you
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3:59You're not broken.
4:00You're meaning starved.
4:02I talk to people all the time who are by
4:04any external measure successful. They
4:07build careers. They have families.
4:09They've checked the boxes. And yet,
4:12something feels off. Life feels thin.
4:15Like you're going through the motions.
4:17Like you're watching yourself [music]
4:18from the outside.
4:20And here's what I want you to know. That
4:22feeling is not a personal failing. It's
4:24not ingratitude. [music] It's not
4:26something wrong with you.
4:28It's a meaning problem.
4:30And it's an epidemic.
4:32The modern world [music] is
4:33extraordinary at giving us comfort,
4:35achievement, and distraction. It's
4:38terrible at giving us meaning.
4:40And no amount of success will fix that.
4:42I've seen it in my research, and I've
4:44seen it in [music] my own life.
4:46That's exactly what we work on at MEA,
4:49the Modern Elder Academy, in a program
4:51I've developed called The Meaning of
4:53Your Life.
4:55It's not a lecture. It's not a quick
4:56fix. It's several days of real work
4:59[music] in a small group on the
5:01questions that actually matter.
5:03If what I'm describing sounds familiar,
5:05I hope you'll come take a look.
5:11I'm recording this
5:13uh a little bit before Mother's Day
5:162026. It's going to play pretty close to
5:18Mother's Day as a matter of fact, and so
5:20you're probably thinking about Mom,
5:21whether Mom is still alive or not, and I
5:23hope you had a good experience growing
5:24up with your mom. I hope you love your
5:25mom. Everybody deserves to, for sure.
5:28Not everybody does.
5:29Um I want to tell you a little story
5:31about mine. Not because this is a show
5:32about Mother's Day, but because
5:35this is going to help me explain a very
5:37important phenomenon for your happiness.
5:41My mother was my late mother. She died
5:43relatively young, 73. She suffered a lot
5:46because she was very ill for most of her
5:48life as a matter of fact. She was
5:50however
5:51a terrific artist. She was an artist of
5:53some renown in the Pacific Northwest. I
5:55grew up in Seattle, Washington. And she
5:57was a terrific mixed media artist. Many
6:00people in the Pacific Northwest own her
6:02paintings.
6:03She did this
6:04to the exclusion of most other things
6:06over the course of her life. She was
6:07also an amateur violinist and pianist.
6:09So she was really into the arts and a
6:10creative soul to be sure. One of the
6:12reasons that she was
6:14so dedicated to her art, if you've been
6:16a
6:17a listener of this program over the last
6:19few weeks, you'll recognize this
6:21argument. It is that when you
6:23participate in the production of beauty,
6:25you illuminate the right hemisphere of
6:27your brain and you find the meaning of
6:28your life.
6:29When my mother would wake up in the
6:30morning, she was she was really in a lot
6:32of uh really in a lot of agony. She
6:35suffered from tremendous mental health
6:37problems and
6:39I mean every day was a chore. It just
6:41was.
6:42And then she would come down and have a
6:45cup of decaf and
6:46cuz because of her medication she
6:48couldn't take caffeine and and she would
6:50have a little breakfast and then she
6:51would head up to her studio.
6:53And and life started at that moment. She
6:55was a different person. It was
6:57extraordinary as a matter of fact how I
6:58saw that.
7:00And she was a great artist. She was
7:03fantastic. She had excellent technique.
7:05If she decided to paint a naked guy
7:06holding a guitar
7:09um much to my mortification as a
7:11teenager it actually looked like that.
7:13And it was beautiful to boot I guess
7:14although once again as a teenager I
7:16wouldn't have been able to discern that.
7:18Now growing up um I was very interested
7:20in the arts myself. I was more of a
7:22musician as a matter of fact I made my
7:23living as a classical musician for many
7:25years until I was 31 years old. But I
7:27was interested in all different kinds of
7:29creativity. I wrote stories and poetry
7:31and I painted with my mother.
7:33As a kid I would come home from school
7:35and I would practice my French horn and
7:37then I would paint with my mother and it
7:38was just bliss. You know and I just I I
7:40loved it too.
7:42Not knowing of course that my little
7:43right hemisphere was fully illuminated
7:45and I was experiencing the the meaning
7:47of my life.
7:48But my mom was better than me, not just
7:49because she was older, but because she
7:51had more ability. I remember asking her,
7:53I was probably 13 or 14 years old, how I
7:55could improve as an artist and I
7:57expected her to say,
7:59do a lot. Get the reps, which certainly
8:01is true. That's not what she told me.
8:03She said,
8:04"Here's the reason that people can't
8:06draw. Here's the reason. Because they
8:08actually never look at the thing they're
8:09trying to draw."
8:11She said, "Look deeply at the thing
8:15you're trying to draw, that you want to
8:16draw. Think about it and look at it
8:18again. Stare at it. Look at the nuances.
8:22Then try."
8:23So, I was actually
8:25trying to draw a tree. Simple thing,
8:27right? And I would look at it and go and
8:29try to draw the tree. Didn't look like a
8:30tree. Didn't look very good at all.
8:32Then I really stared at it. I really
8:34took in uh
8:36the details of what I was looking at. I
8:38was
8:39I wasn't relying on my brain to fill in
8:40the details. I was actually observing
8:43the details, the contours, the colors,
8:44the shadows.
8:46And I drew a pretty good tree. Now,
8:48here's the point of that.
8:50I was also happy.
8:52When I was I remember being really
8:53happy, not because the tree looked good,
8:54but because the whole experience was
8:56rich. What was that?
8:58It turns out that that was an experience
9:00of what we call savoring.
9:03Savoring experiences in life, neutral
9:06experiences, good experiences,
9:08even bad experiences, can be
9:10fundamentally game-changing in your
9:12well-being. And that's what I want to
9:13talk about today.
9:15In our hustle and grind culture, where
9:17everything is fast, where we're
9:19distracted constantly, one of the
9:22biggest sources, one of the biggest ways
9:24that we miss our happiness,
9:27is we're not here. We're not fully
9:29alive. Now, this is not just a call for
9:31some sort of mindfulness meditation
9:34technique.
9:35This means simply savoring life as it's
9:39happening right now. I want to tell you
9:41why it's so important, and I want to
9:43tell you how you can do it in your
9:45ordinary life. And I promise you that if
9:47you learn to savor your life,
9:49your life's going to change. Let's start
9:51off with some, you know, some basics of
9:53what savoring actually means. Savoring
9:55is it is to pay attention
9:58and to say, "I want to be doing this
10:00right now. I want to be fully absorbed
10:03in this thing right now." That's what
10:05savoring really is. So, you savor the
10:08experience of eating a piece of
10:09chocolate. You don't just gobble it up.
10:13You actually put it in your mouth and
10:14you taste it on your tongue, and you
10:16feel the texture of the chocolate, and
10:18you're conscious of it. Say, "That's
10:20that's smooth that or that's sweet." Or
10:22whatever it happens to be. That's what
10:23savoring really is all about. Or if you
10:26savor moments with your beloved before
10:28you say goodbye, you're experiencing the
10:30look in her eyes
10:32and the the smell of her skin,
10:35and you're conscious of that. That's
10:36what savoring really is.
10:38Now, there's been a lot of research on
10:41how that affects you psychologically,
10:43how that affects you
10:45neurophysiologically.
10:46And it's pretty interesting what
10:48researchers have come up with. When
10:50you're savoring, when you're paying
10:51attention, when you're immersive, when
10:53you're here now
10:55on something neutral, positive, or
10:57perhaps even negative, I'll get to that
10:58later, you're actually it it stimulates
11:01the reward processing centers in your
11:04brain. Your brain's ventral striatum.
11:05There's two parts of your limbic system
11:08that principally are responsible for you
11:09feeling pleasure. One is the ventral
11:11striatum, and the other's called the
11:12ventral tegmental area. You tap those
11:15things, you know.
11:16Now,
11:17they're very thrifty, which means there
11:18are lots of ways to tap it. If you say,
11:20if my wife says to me, "I just love you
11:23so much." It will tap these pleasure
11:25centers, and I'll say,
11:27"Joy." Right? That's positive emotion.
11:29If I had a huge bump of cocaine, it
11:31would do the same thing because of my
11:33thrifty brain. By the way, I don't do
11:34that. But you get the point that I'm
11:36actually trying to make.
11:38So,
11:39when you savor, you will actually
11:41stimulate that ventral striatum, that
11:43part of your brain that and and there's
11:45interesting research on that that of
11:46course, as always, I'm going to put in
11:48the show notes. This is a paper called
11:49savoring the past, positive memories
11:52evoke values representation in the
11:53striatum from neuron, which is a
11:56terrific journal, neuroscience journal.
11:58So, all you have to do to do that is to
12:01pay attention and say, "I want to be
12:03paying attention to this. I like paying
12:06attention to this." And then really
12:07look, like I was looking at that tree
12:09that day.
12:11You can even savor completely ordinary
12:13things like,
12:14"Right now, I am walking to the post
12:17office."
12:18That's the essence of what the great
12:19Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat
12:22Hanh, of course, one of the most famous
12:24Buddhist in the world, um a Theravada
12:27Buddhist monk, Vietnamese, when he wrote
12:29his famous classic, The Miracle of
12:30Mindfulness, which starts off with this
12:32just explanation, this description of
12:35washing the dishes. When I'm washing the
12:37dishes, I should be fully present in the
12:39act of washing the dishes. What he's
12:40saying is savor washing the dishes.
12:44Don't rush through it. Be fully present.
12:46Be saying, "This is what I'm doing now.
12:48I like the fact that I'm savoring this.
12:50I like the fact that I'm fully present."
12:53And that will
12:54stimulate, once again, I'm here to tell
12:55you that's going to stimulate your
12:56pleasure centers. You're going to get
12:58pleasure from washing the dishes, but
13:00only if you savor washing the dishes.
13:02The second thing that does, this is an
13:04interesting study from 2022, is it
13:05lowers symptoms of depression and
13:08increases higher levels of reported
13:10happiness. Probably that's related to
13:12the first effect that I talked about
13:14because when you when you stimulate the
13:15parts of the limbic system that elicit
13:17the feelings of joy,
13:19that's not consistent with the the the
13:22affective pain that we actually get,
13:24which is the activation of that the
13:26anterior cingulate cortex, a different
13:28part of the limbic system. And third, it
13:31it leads to these
13:32higher levels of reported happiness in
13:35in not in looking at people's brains,
13:38but just asking for
13:40people's experiences.
13:43There's one study where researchers
13:44asked human subjects to record the
13:46frequency and intensity of their daily
13:48positive experiences.
13:50Half of the subjects in these
13:53experiments were asked to savor
13:55savor their events in their lives, to be
13:57fully present, to be paying attention.
13:59And they found that these subjects were
14:01significantly happier after the
14:02experiment than those who were not given
14:05any specific instructions. In other
14:06words, if I just remind you to be fully
14:08present, you're going to be happier.
14:10You're going to enjoy your life more.
14:12This is especially clear for people who
14:15experience Here's our Here's the irony.
14:17For people who experience fewer positive
14:19events. In other words,
14:21if you're living a life that is tough
14:24and you're going through a really tough
14:25time right now, and you savor the
14:27moments that you like,
14:29you know, this all of us go through
14:31these things. We're really stressed out
14:32or really really too busy or
14:34but there's going to be a moment like,
14:36you know, sun coming through the clouds
14:37a little bit, you stop and you say, "Oh,
14:39yeah.
14:40Sunshine on my face." And you savor it,
14:43that will have a disproportionately
14:45joyful impact on you. The less good
14:47there is, the more good you get.
14:51That's one of the benefits of savoring.
14:53It also leads to happier memories later
14:55on, which is interesting that the more
14:57that you savor the present, the more
14:59you're going to remember the present
15:00when it becomes the past, because you
15:02lay down more intense memories in the
15:05hippocampus of your brain. The episodic
15:07memories are actually more distinct when
15:09you savor them. It It makes perfect
15:10sense, doesn't it? You remember the
15:12things where it feels like time slowed
15:14down because you were fully present. By
15:15the way, this is one of the reasons that
15:17when when you're in the middle of a car
15:19accident, it feels like time slows down,
15:20because you're laying down hugely
15:23complex memory tracks in those moments.
15:26You're savoring the experience of
15:28getting T-boned by a semi or something,
15:30which, you know, not so great, I
15:32suppose.
15:33Actually, more on that later because I
15:35want to tell you how negative events can
15:37be savored much to your advantage as
15:39well, but we're not there yet. So, savor
15:42more, have happier memories later. Now,
15:44this is important. This one's really
15:45important to me personally. I'll tell
15:46you why. I don't have very many happy
15:48memories. It's not like I had some
15:49trauma, some terrible childhood, but
15:52I don't have happy memories. I just
15:54don't. I don't like remembering the
15:55past. I don't like looking at childhood
15:57photo albums. I don't like it. I don't
16:00like looking at old videos. Just
16:02bugs me. It bothers me. It makes me
16:04uncomfortable to do that. I mean, I
16:05practically don't drive looking in the
16:07rearview mirror. I'm a dangerous driver.
16:09But, I mean, I go through life not
16:10looking in the rearview mirror. It's
16:12through the through the windshield of
16:13the car. It's just for some reason
16:15that's how I'm I'm wired. I don't like
16:17talking about the good old days. And so,
16:18it's hard for me to keep up with my old
16:20friends, as a matter of fact, because
16:22it's just past. I don't know. I mean, I
16:24have this one set of really, really
16:26happy memories. When somebody says,
16:27"What are your happiest memories from
16:28childhood?" They're all the same thing.
16:30I used to go down to the Oregon coast
16:31with my Aunt Marie.
16:33Um and
16:35Lincoln City. Lincoln City, Oregon. And
16:37it's funny because those of you who've
16:39been a long-time
16:40uh viewer of this show, you know that
16:42I'm great friends with Rainn Wilson, the
16:43actor. And um
16:45his wife grew up going to the Oregon
16:47coast in the exact same places as me.
16:49And we reminisce about that, actually,
16:51which is sweet and and and really good.
16:52But but generally, I don't like it. I
16:54don't like that. And what I've learned
16:55from the literature, this is how I try
16:57to engineer my own life is by by using
16:59the research to live better, is right
17:00now what I'm trying to do with my life
17:02is savor more now because I want better
17:04memories. I I don't want to be
17:07the kind of guy that can't
17:09remember the past in a positive way. So,
17:11why is it hard? Why don't we naturally
17:13do it? If this were such a great thing,
17:14then we'd be savoring everything all the
17:15time, and life would be sweet, right?
17:17Well, it's hard because we're not
17:19evolved to savor anything. We're evolved
17:21to rush through everything and pay
17:23attention to the negative. That's what
17:25we're designed to do. Now, why? You as a
17:29viewer of the show, you know that I rely
17:31a lot on evolutionary, biological, and
17:32psychological um arguments and and
17:35because they're compelling and because
17:36they're morally right. We have brains
17:39that were designed in more or less their
17:41current form something like 250,000
17:43years ago in the late Pleistocene era.
17:45And that was a dangerous time to be Homo
17:47sapiens. You know, you had to pay
17:49attention a lot or you're going to be a
17:50wild animal's lunch. There was no law.
17:54Somebody could come in, you know,
17:55take your buffalo jerky and animal skins
17:58and you know, kill you summarily if
18:00you're not paying attention. So, we have
18:01more brain space dedicated to negative
18:04emotions than positive emotions. That's
18:05what gives us what we call the
18:07negativity bias in our lives. Negativity
18:09bias means that life isn't that great
18:11all the time, but it it we're more
18:13likely to get to tomorrow.
18:15We're more likely to survive the night.
18:18That makes perfect evolutionary sense
18:21that your suspicious, nervous inner
18:23troglodyte
18:25is trying to survive and pass on your
18:26genes. So, you're not a saber-tooth
18:28tiger's lunch, but
18:30that negativity bias is now maladapted.
18:33It's basically an error that we would do
18:35that, that we would not savor, but
18:37rather that we would be suspicious and
18:38vigilant and trying to get into the
18:40future as quickly as possible. As a
18:42survival tactic that doesn't actually
18:44lead us to happiness. One quick note,
18:46Mother Nature who did that doesn't care
18:48if we're happy. That is an important
18:50thing to keep in mind. Mother Nature
18:51wants us to survive and pass on our
18:53genes.
18:54But that's why we have a wonderful
18:55prefrontal cortex so that we have
18:57decisions
18:58we can make conscious decisions not just
19:01to live according to our animal
19:02impulses, but to live up to our moral
19:04aspirations. That's the beautiful thing
19:06about being human. That even though I
19:07have a negativity bias, I can override
19:09it with my consciousness.
19:11And that's what we're talking about
19:12here. Savoring is rebelling against
19:15yourself.
19:16And oh, how freeing that is, isn't it?
19:19To resist and up
19:21your worst impulses. It's an error
19:22because
19:23a negative disposition, it's it's
19:26maladaptive today because a negative
19:27disposition makes us error-prone in our
19:29predictions. You're always going to
19:31over-predict the worst. You're going to
19:32be against assume the worst all the
19:34time. That's a heck of a way to live.
19:36And it lowers our quality of life, to be
19:38sure, of course. Lots of interesting
19:40work on this, by the way. I'll put it in
19:41a
19:42a great article in the notes.
19:44Titled, "The Brain Is Adaptive, Not
19:46Triune: How the Brain Responds to
19:47Threat, Challenge, and Change." And and
19:49that's in Psychology, Therapy, and
19:51Psychobiotics. It's a nice article.
19:53So, savoring is the secret to great
19:54happiness, but it doesn't come
19:55naturally. How are you going to savor
19:57your life more? And and that's what I
19:59want to tell you now. What are the
20:01techniques for actually savoring more?
20:02How What are the techniques for
20:04overriding your negativity bias, your
20:07tendency to rush into the future, to not
20:09pay attention, savor the ordinary
20:11moments of your life that you actually
20:12need?
20:13And I'm going to give you three ways to
20:15do it. Three ways that you can savor
20:16your life more. Number one. Technique
20:19number one for savoring your life. Do it
20:21in all three
20:24time zones.
20:25Okay, now, what do I mean by that? I
20:26don't mean literal time zones.
20:29I'm talking about savoring the past,
20:32savoring the present, and savoring the
20:34future. This comes from the work of a
20:35the psychologist Fred Bryant
20:38who created something called the
20:38Savoring Beliefs Inventory, which asks
20:42people to to talk about their tendency
20:44to seek and enjoy positive experiences
20:45and memories.
20:47A- And so, how does he talk about it?
20:48Richness of reminiscence. In other
20:51words, what do I need to do as somebody
20:53who struggles with the past?
20:55Is think back to the past and think,
20:57"What was good about that?" And you know
20:58what? I just did that in the opening of
21:00the show, didn't I? I mean, I could have
21:01talked about the fact that my mom was
21:03sad all the time. It seemed to be as a
21:05little kid sometimes.
21:07I- wasn't sad all the time. She was
21:09painting beautiful paintings and those
21:11were moments of bliss for her and I
21:13remembered that on purpose. Why? Because
21:15I was savoring the memory of me savoring
21:18the present.
21:19This recursive structure created by time
21:22travel in the prefrontal cortex. It's a
21:24miracle, isn't it? Able to edit my
21:26memory in this particular way, in a
21:28positive way. Richness of reminiscence
21:31is doing exactly that. It's to savor the
21:33past on purpose by paying attention to
21:35the the positive parts. And by the way,
21:37the editing of memory is a very
21:38interesting area of research.
21:40You know, you can say,
21:42"Oh, yeah, you know, Thanksgiving of,
21:44you know, 1996, that's when, you know,
21:46you know, Uncle Chet, he, you know,
21:48got so drunk and he barfed in the front
21:50yard and and went and beat up the
21:52neighbor."
21:53There was something good that happened
21:55that day, too, probably.
21:56I'm just going to guess.
21:58Um, second time zone is the present and
22:01that's the degree of conscious
22:02enjoyment. That's really kind of the
22:04main focus of what we're talking about
22:06here, savoring the present, being here
22:08fully, thinking about the good that is
22:11in this, the experience, the full
22:13experience.
22:14You know, that's that's that that full
22:16experience is has almost theological
22:18overtones. The the great uh Catholic
22:20saint Irenaeus of the 2nd century,
22:22his most famous quote is that
22:24the glory of God is a man fully alive.
22:28And to be fully alive is to be fully
22:30present. Why? Because only in the
22:32present can you love. You can't
22:35love in a different time. You can't love
22:38in the past or love in the future. Love
22:39is now.
22:41If you're not here now, you're not
22:43loving. By the way, important for your
22:45relationships. Why should you savor your
22:47marriage?
22:48Because she needs love and so do you.
22:51And then here's the third time zone, the
22:53future.
22:54And that's
22:56something to look forward to. That's
22:57keenness of anticipation. Now, that
22:59could this a little All can go a long
23:00way. According to Marty Seligman at
23:02University of Pennsylvania, the average
23:04Homo sapiens spends 30 to 50% of the
23:07time thinking about the future because
23:10it's incredibly adaptive. You you
23:12practice future scenarios, see the
23:14dangers, come back to the present, and
23:16don't choose those roots and those paths
23:18into the future. That's how we That's
23:20why human beings are so awesome is
23:22because we're able to make mistakes in
23:24our minds and not make them in real
23:25life.
23:26And so, the average person is literally
23:2830 to 50% of the time in the future, but
23:30the average striver, and I'm looking at
23:32you,
23:34and I'm kind of looking in the mirror,
23:36spends something like 80% of their time
23:37in the future.
23:38These are estimates. Your results may
23:40vary as they say in the commercials.
23:42But, if you're 80% of your time in the
23:43future and it's all castles in the sky,
23:46this can go a long way. But, if you're
23:47the kind of person who lives with a
23:48little bit of dread,
23:50then thinking about things that you can
23:52look forward to is all about the
23:53savoring of the future. So, you got to
23:55figure out is that your challenge or
23:57not. If it's not your challenge, good.
23:59If it is, that's what to do. You don't
24:01have to really choose. I recommend that
24:03you choose all three, but I do recommend
24:04that you think once again, as I'm
24:06emphasizing here, that one of these
24:08things is harder for you and that's what
24:09you you should actually work on. If you
24:11have a hard time being here now, then
24:13present savoring is important. If you
24:14have a hard time in the past, you need
24:15to edit your memories. That's me.
24:17If you have a hard time actually getting
24:19out of the future, right? Or if you have
24:21a hard time actually not being in the
24:22future because you have so much dread,
24:23then that's what you need to is to find
24:25something to look forward to.
24:26What do you need to do? What's your
24:27challenge? What's the time zone in which
24:29you need to savor? Go do that.
24:32That's number one. Number two
24:34is to expand your repertoire of savoring
24:37techniques. This is great stuff from
24:39from 2010, where psychologists found
24:41four savoring techniques that were
24:43really, really effective. So, here's
24:44your savoring chops. Here's what Here's
24:46how we're going to put it together.
24:47Number one is what they call behavioral
24:49display, which means expressing positive
24:53emotion with nonverbal behaviors. Here's
24:55the deal.
24:56Smile even if you don't feel it. I think
24:58I've mentioned on the show before the
24:59Duchenne smile, which is the only smile
25:01that's actually associated with true
25:03human happiness. It involves two sets of
25:05muscles in the face, the zygomaticus
25:06major and the orbicularis oculi muscles.
25:09You can actually simulate that by
25:10holding a pencil in your teeth like
25:12this.
25:13Uh and kind of uh
25:15because happiness is seen in the eyes
25:17and not in the mouth. That's the
25:19Duchenne smile. That was invented That
25:20was not That was named discovered and
25:22named by a physiologist named Duchenne
25:25because he wanted the happy smile to be
25:26named after himself, of course.
25:28But you can do that, by the way. I mean,
25:30you can put the pencil in your molars
25:31and go grin in the mirror.
25:33That way, you'll you'll fool your brain.
25:35You'll be happier because of this
25:36behavioral display, because of what
25:38you're doing. This is a This is actually
25:40a savoring technique in its own way.
25:42Smile more. Pretend you're happier. Go
25:45act happier.
25:47Behavioral display is number one way to
25:49to to savor. When you're doing
25:50something, behave
25:53with joy.
25:54Second,
25:55it'd be present, which is mindfully
25:57focusing on the pleasant experience. And
25:59what that means is saying to yourself,
26:01"I am doing this thing. I am sitting on
26:04the train looking out at a beautiful
26:06seascape."
26:08If that's what it is. Being present
26:10means actually saying the thing to
26:11yourself because you want to bring it
26:12from your subconscious into your
26:14prefrontal cortex, into your you know,
26:16consciousness, where you're really
26:18thinking about something. And the way to
26:19do that is by saying it. And and it's
26:21it's really unbelievably effective.
26:23There's a famous piece of avant-garde
26:26music from the 1970s by a a
26:29French composer named Alvin Lucier
26:31called I Am Sitting in a Room. And the
26:33whole thing is just I Am Sitting in a
26:35Room. And he talks about sitting in the
26:36room. It's just like studying savoring
26:38and
26:39over and over and over and over again. I
26:40thought, "How silly?" And now I'm
26:41thinking, "I kind of like it."
26:44So, say what you're doing to yourself.
26:47That's number two. Number three is
26:48capitalizing, which means talking about
26:51and celebrating positive experiences
26:53with others.
26:54So, don't just say it to yourself, say
26:55it to other people. Talk about the
26:56experience that you're actually having.
26:58Notice things to other people.
27:01Which makes this even more
27:03conscious, even more concrete, even more
27:05permanent. And last but not least is
27:07what they call positive mental time
27:09travel. Which is, once again, vivid
27:11reminiscence or anticipation of positive
27:13events, just what I talked about in the
27:14last one. So, those are your four
27:16techniques, your repertoire for
27:18savoring.
27:19Number three, I'm going to talk about
27:21how all this works for me. Right? Okay,
27:23so I'm This is kind of how I'll put it
27:24together. I promised you three, it's
27:25actually two, but now I'm going to talk
27:27about how I'm trying to do this in my
27:28own life. Here's how I do it. I use the
27:31research that I'm talking about by
27:33starting my morning
27:35with a quick reflection on two or three
27:36things that I'm looking forward to.
27:39Right when I wake up in the morning, the
27:40first thing that I do is I I say a
27:41prayer.
27:42That's how I start my day.
27:44Um at some point in the show I'll give
27:46you my daily prayer, um if you're
27:48interested. Put it in the notes if you
27:49are, or if you're not, say don't do
27:51that, okay? But then I reflect on two or
27:53three things I'm really looking forward
27:54to. And for me it'll be my morning
27:56workout routine. I just I want to do it,
27:58man. I'm just super grateful to wake up
28:00and be able to get out of the gym, even
28:01when I'm tired.
28:03Um getting to this podcast.
28:05Having dinner with my wife, whatever
28:06it's going to be, whatever that day is
28:08going to bring. Just kind of looking
28:09ahead a little bit and savoring that.
28:11I imagine each of these events vividly
28:13for a few seconds, and I make an effort
28:15to smile when I'm doing it.
28:17Because what I'm doing I'm
28:18neurocognitively programming myself to
28:20savor that thing, to remember it more,
28:23to imprint it in a positive way, so that
28:25the episodic memory of that event, when
28:27it actually becomes the past, will be
28:29positively valenced. Boy, that was a lot
28:32of jargon in that last sentence. Forgive
28:34me for that. And then finally, before I
28:36go to bed, I think back vividly on each
28:38one of these experiences, when it is now
28:39a memory with a sense of gratitude, and
28:41I'll express that gratitude with whoever
28:43I'm with, and it's almost always with my
28:45wife. At luck, when I'm going to sleep
28:47is either with my wife or I'm alone.
28:49Now, if I screw this up, um I fail to
28:52carry this out because my caveman limbic
28:54system wants to hijack the process and
28:56wants me to worry about somebody looting
28:58my cave and stealing my jerky and animal
29:00skins.
29:01And so, I start again.
29:03And And that's how I try to live. Before
29:05it's too good.
29:06One last note. I promised you I was
29:08going to talk about savoring bad things,
29:10too.
29:11The research focuses entirely on
29:13savoring pleasant events and
29:15experiences.
29:17But, there are difficult parts of your
29:18life, and if you savor them correctly,
29:20these can be unbelievably enriching, as
29:22well. And here's how I recommend you do
29:24that. Here's how you savor the bad.
29:27I've mentioned this briefly, but I want
29:28to bring it up again in the show.
29:30I keep a failure journal.
29:32Look, everybody has a lot of failure in
29:33their life, disappointment in their
29:35life. Lots of things are happening you
29:36don't like.
29:38When something bothers me,
29:40I write it down.
29:41Now, sometimes I keep it electronically,
29:43and sometimes I keep it in pencil and
29:45paper. It's actually better in pencil
29:46and paper, you're more likely to
29:47remember it. But, I I leave two blank
29:50lines
29:51under each entry.
29:52And I come back to the first one after a
29:54month.
29:55I go back and I read the thing that
29:57bothered me. It It might be something
29:58stupid, right?
30:00It It might be something kind of
30:01important. But, I come back and I say,
30:03after a month, after that first blank
30:04line, and I write down what I learned
30:06in the intervening period
30:08thanks to that bad experience. There's
30:10always something.
30:11It might be, you know, I thought that
30:13the argument that I had with somebody I
30:15care about,
30:16which really bummed me out. I thought it
30:18was going to bum me out for a long time,
30:20but actually stopped thinking about it
30:21almost immediately and didn't hurt the
30:23relationship. I learned that. How
30:25interesting. Then, after another month,
30:27I'll go back to the second blank line
30:29that I left after the entry, read it
30:30again, and read the thing I learned,
30:33and then write something positive,
30:36something good that happened as a result
30:37of the experience. I might say, "We
30:40ended up making amends, and our
30:41friendship is actually stronger as a
30:42result of that. A good thing happened as
30:44a result of our ability to make amends,
30:46which which deepened our relationship.
30:49Now, trust me, if you give it a bit of
30:50thought, you'll have something
30:51worthwhile to say about almost negative
30:52any negative event. You're not going to
30:54say I'm glad it happened,
30:56but you might.
30:57And you're going to get benefit from
30:59learning and benefit in in creating a
31:01more positively valenced memory from
31:05that, which is a form of savoring of
31:07something negative, which will add depth
31:09to your life, learning to your life,
31:11growth to your life.
31:13And that's something that makes every
31:15minute of your life worthwhile. I'll
31:17just finish with a couple of questions.
31:18Um, this comes from Eugene Zhao. Thanks
31:21for the email. How should someone
31:23earlier in their career
31:24think about intentionally maintaining
31:26and investing in relationships when so
31:28much of the feedback and momentum is
31:30pulling them toward work? Okay, yeah.
31:32Yeah, yeah, I get it, Eugene. We're all
31:35strivers, aren't we? Workaholics, I get
31:38it. And the answer to that is actually
31:40the work of Josef Pieper. I've done a
31:43podcast before on the importance of
31:44leisure. Josef Pieper said that there's
31:47three kinds of leisure. They do not
31:48include chilling on the beach. Cuz I
31:50tell you, fellow strivers, you go to the
31:52beach and you like the first couple of
31:53hours you're like, "This is awesome.
31:55It's so nice and I'm warm." By the third
31:56hour you're like, "I want to go back to
31:57work. I want to go back to work." Why?
31:59Because your monkey mind is going to be
32:01back in the office or in front of your
32:02laptop or wherever it is. This is how
32:04you're wired, I get it. Josef Pieper,
32:06the German philosopher, said that you
32:08should engage your leisure your leisure,
32:11which is defined as generative positive
32:14activity for which they don't pay you.
32:16That's leisure. Three kinds of things.
32:19Deepening yourself spiritually,
32:21deepening your relationships, and
32:23learning something deeply. That's the
32:25three things to do. And so, that's
32:27actually how to think about that, how to
32:29not go back with your monkey mind to the
32:31office is because you're dedicating
32:32yourself to something that's meaningful
32:34under these circumstances. And you need
32:36that kind of leisure. William Page
32:38writes in to the office hours email
32:39address. How would a person raised in a
32:41non-religious family choose a religion
32:43to begin your recommendation to start
32:45first practicing?
32:46That's good.
32:47That's good. I mean, it's funny because
32:49it almost sounds like, "Oh man, there's
32:51just so many choices out there." It's
32:52like going to the the supermarket and
32:54deciding what kind of breakfast cereal
32:56and and William, I know that's not what
32:57you mean, but you know, look, it's a
32:59it's a it's a huge world out there,
33:00right? The most important thing that
33:02you're telling me is that you want
33:03something, that you know there's
33:04something deeper and that you're looking
33:06for something.
33:07Here's the algorithm.
33:09Start by reading. Then start by
33:10observing. Like a front row seat.
33:13And then start by practicing a little.
33:16And only then start believing and last
33:18but not least maybe start feeling.
33:20That's the way to think about it. A lot
33:21of people when they're when they're
33:22looking for they know they need some
33:24sort of a faith or life philosophy at
33:27least or
33:28coherent spirituality they say, "Well, I
33:29got to I got to feel something." No, no,
33:31no, no, that's the wrong way to think
33:32about it.
33:33Feelings are just the activity of your
33:35limbic system.
33:36That's not how you should pursue your
33:37marriage either is by saying, "I got to
33:39feel it all the time." You're going to
33:40end up divorced. No, no. It's really all
33:42about finding something that you can
33:44practice every day, believe a lot and
33:46occasionally feel. That's your marriage
33:48and that's your the religion that you'll
33:49actually find if that's what you're in
33:51the market for.
33:52And the way to do that is by doing the
33:54work, is by learning, which is by
33:56reading and then observing because it's
33:57not not enough just to read, you have to
33:59observe and then actually experimenting
34:01with practice. From there belief will
34:03come and occasionally feeling as well.
34:05Good luck on your journey. Last but not
34:07least and I don't know how to pronounce
34:08this one. I'm sorry, Maciej Buzuk.
34:12Close enough. In your research and
34:13experience, what is the most important
34:16what is the most important for someone
34:18in a situation of high competence,
34:20genuine contribution, but a persistent
34:22inability to translate inner value into
34:24outer reward? Now, this sounds an awful
34:26lot
34:27like you've got an adolescent kid who is
34:30unbelievably smart. I'm just guessing
34:32here. Unbelievably smart, really, really
34:34creative, but not posting.
34:38Like in school and in life, not maybe
34:40launching as a young adult.
34:42And the answer to that is fundamentally
34:45to help that person, even if it's you,
34:47to find calling. And the way to find
34:49calling is the two questions of meaning.
34:50This is the meaning exam that I've
34:51talked about on the show before.
34:54Think deeply about this. Where do I need
34:56to go and what do I need to do to find
34:58the answers to the two questions, why am
34:59I alive and for what would I die?
35:01Why am I alive?
35:03And for what would I die?
35:05Maybe that's who created you, maybe it's
35:06what you're on earth to do.
35:08And most importantly, for what would you
35:09give your life? What are you going to
35:10do? Where are you going to go? What are
35:11you going to read? Who are you going to
35:12ask? What experiences are you going to
35:14have so you can find the answers to
35:15those two questions?
35:17When you do, what you will find is your
35:20calling. That's what you're supposed to
35:22be doing and that will solve the problem
35:25of high competence and low performance,
35:27virtually always. We're done.
35:29Um, let me know your thoughts at office
35:31hours at arthurbrooks.com. Like and
35:33subscribe on Spotify and Apple and
35:35YouTube and and leave a comment. We want
35:37to hear it. Negative, positive, we like
35:39it all. Follow me on Instagram,
35:40LinkedIn, the other platforms. There's
35:42all kinds of content over there that's
35:43in shorter form, but it will reward your
35:45scrolling as opposed to frittering away
35:47your time, I promise. Order the meaning
35:49of your life, my new book, to learn more
35:51about all the topics I'm talking about
35:52here. And and last but not least, um,
35:55happy Mother's Day. See you next week.

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