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How to Eliminate Self-Doubt Forever & Build Unshakeable Confidence — Transcript

by Mel Robbins · 15,040 words · 2,333 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00Today, you and I are going to learn all
0:02about this four-part [music] framework
0:04that helps you build unshakable
0:06self-confidence. There are four
0:08attributes. We have acceptance, [music]
0:10we have agency, we have autonomy, we
0:12have adaptability. Self-acceptance is
0:14fundamentally accepting [music] that you
0:16are a work in progress. You don't need
0:18other people to validate your worth. You
0:20are worthy just by existing. Agency is
0:23that attribute [music]
0:24that allows you to trust that you can do
0:26the thing.
0:27And if you don't know how to do it, you
0:28will learn how to do it. Autonomy is the
0:30belief that you have a degree [music] of
0:32control over your life. Adaptability is
0:34actually so much more than what we think
0:36[music] it is.
0:39Dr. Shade is a behavioral researcher and
0:41best-selling author with [music] a PhD
0:43in organizational behavior. Some studies
0:45have found up to 82% of people have felt
0:47like an impostor at some point. And the
0:49beautiful thing about feeling like an
0:51impostor [music] is it is a sign that
0:53you are growing. You don't realize how
0:55you're keeping yourself stuck when you
0:57complain [music] about the things you
0:59have no control over. Show up for the
1:01life that you want now.
1:03Don't wait for it. Don't wait for
1:04permission. Don't wait till you feel
1:06ready. Don't wait till you feel worthy.
1:08If you show up for the person that you
1:10want to be now, your life will
1:12fundamentally change because everything
1:14will feel lighter.
1:16Dr. Shade Zahrai, welcome to the Mel
1:20Robbins podcast. Thank you so much for
1:22having me. I am so excited you're here.
1:24Thank you for traveling halfway around
1:27the world to be here today. And here's
1:29where I want to start. Your research
1:31around self-doubt, building confidence,
1:35feeling worthy. It is so important.
1:37We're going to dig into it. And here's
1:38where I'd like to start.
1:41Could you speak directly to the person
1:43who's with us right now?
1:45And tell them what might change about
1:48their life
1:49if I take everything to heart that
1:51you're about to teach us today and I
1:53apply it to how I feel about myself?
1:55If you actually apply what we're going
1:57to be exploring today, your life will
1:59fundamentally change because everything
2:02will feel lighter.
2:03People don't realize how insidious
2:05self-doubt is. And when you're living
2:07every day and you've got the insecurity
2:10and those negative thoughts and the
2:11self-criticism and the feelings of I'm
2:13not worthy, I'm not good enough, it is a
2:15weight. It makes everything more
2:17difficult. It leads to so much
2:19hesitation and second-guessing and
2:21missed opportunities. If you can learn
2:23to recognize and you see the beauty of
2:24this work is that you don't actually
2:26have to eliminate the doubt. You just
2:28have to strengthen parts of yourself
2:30that allow you to move through it.
2:32And then success becomes easier.
2:35Fulfillment in your relationships
2:36becomes easier. Happiness becomes
2:38easier. And this is based on decades
2:40worth of research. So it's so incredibly
2:42important and that's why I'm so excited
2:44to have this conversation with you.
2:46Well, I'm excited for you to teach us
2:48some of the frameworks in your
2:49bestselling book, Big Trust. And you
2:52know, in your work, you work with CEOs
2:55of Fortune 500, 150 CEOs in terms of who
3:00you are coaching, who you are advising.
3:03But the journey to doing all this
3:06research began with you having a crisis
3:09in your own confidence and feeling like
3:12you weren't enough. So let's just start
3:13there. How did you begin this?
3:16So my journey with self-doubt is really
3:18the driver of why I do what I do because
3:21I have felt the pain over the entire
3:23course of my life. I mean, I'm still
3:24shedding the doubts that I developed
3:26early on. And I think if I really
3:28reflect on where it started, it started
3:30really early for me. Okay. So I would
3:32have been about three, four, or five
3:34years old.
3:35And I am part of this beautifully
3:37supportive family. And every Friday
3:39night we would have dinner at my
3:40grandparents' place. And then after
3:42dinner, there was this family tradition
3:44where the little kids would dance for
3:46everybody. So I would hear Shadi Bayad
3:48Bedakse, which is Shadi is going to
3:50dance for us. And you know, as a young
3:52kid, I loved the attention and they'd
3:54put on the music and it made everyone so
3:56happy. What then happened though is over
3:59the years as this became just this
4:00regular thing that we did every Friday,
4:03I started to feel less comfortable doing
4:05that, being the center of attention as I
4:07became a little bit more self-conscious
4:08about who I was in my body and you know,
4:11I was maybe eight, nine, maybe 10.
4:13But I saw how happy everyone was when I
4:16was in this position of performing for
4:17them.
4:18And I didn't want to let them down. So I
4:20didn't know how to say no.
4:22And it was around that age that I
4:23internalized this belief that I am only
4:25of value, I am only worthy when I'm
4:28making other people happy even if I'm
4:31not happy. Mhm. So for me, that was that
4:33early life experience that instilled
4:35this sense of lack of enough. And then
4:38that just kept becoming a
4:39self-fulfilling prophecy when I was at
4:41university, when I started working in
4:44the legal industry, when I moved into
4:45banking and finance, it followed me into
4:47every meeting, every conversation, every
4:49interaction. I never felt like I was
4:51good enough to be there. But I've also
4:53discovered
4:55over the last five or so years as I've
4:56really deep dived into this, as I was
4:58doing PhD research into this,
5:01almost every single person experiences
5:03self-doubt.
5:04It is not uncommon at all.
5:06And yet those who are able to truly
5:08succeed, it's not that they eliminate
5:10the doubt, it's that they found a way to
5:12strengthen who they are to move through
5:13it. It brings me to a question, Dr.
5:16Shade.
5:17What drives self-doubt? Okay, so I have
5:19been fascinated by this question for
5:21over a decade. Even before I did my PhD
5:23research, I was seeing self-doubt in
5:25action in the workplace at every single
5:28level. Because I genuinely believed once
5:30you become a leader, once you achieve a
5:32certain thing, you don't have
5:33self-doubt. But I actually found that
5:35sometimes those at the more senior
5:37levels, sometimes those who have
5:39achieved a lot, they have even more
5:41self-doubt because they feel like
5:42there's even more opportunity for them
5:45to fall, more reputational damage if
5:47something doesn't go well.
5:48So, I thought, what is actually driving
5:50this? And that's when I started looking
5:52into the research. What do the most
5:53esteemed minds have to say about this?
5:55And I want to share with you one
5:56particular study which I have never
5:58forgotten from the moment that I came
6:00across it. It's from the late '70s,
6:02early '80s.
6:04So, a psychology professor by the name
6:05of Robert Kleck at Dartmouth, he
6:08conducted this fascinating experiment
6:10which really reveals how self-doubt
6:12works and where it comes from.
6:14He brought people together and with one
6:15group he drew a scar on their face, on
6:18the right side of their face between
6:19their ear and their mouth.
6:21This really noticeable, visible
6:23disfigurement. Yeah. He let them see
6:25themselves in a mirror. Okay.
6:26>> So, they can go, "Okay, I have this scar
6:27on my face." And then he sent everyone
6:29out into conversations with strangers.
6:32Now, after the conversations, he then
6:33asked everybody, "How did you feel the
6:35conversation went?"
6:37The group without the scar
6:38felt like it was a fine conversation.
6:40>> Yeah. The group with the scar reported
6:42feeling judged. They felt like it was
6:44tense. Their conversation partner was
6:46cold. And they felt like they were
6:48treated differently because of that
6:50scar.
6:50Now, that in itself would have been a
6:52really interesting experiment on
6:54prejudice and discrimination. Or
6:57perception of.
6:58>> Or perception of. Exactly. And that's
6:59where we get to the interesting piece.
7:01Because if I pause right now and I take
7:03you back right before these people were
7:05sent into these conversations. So,
7:07they've just seen themselves in the
7:08mirror. Right.
7:10Right before they're sent into it, the
7:11researcher said, "Okay, I'm going to
7:12apply some moisturizing cream to the
7:14scar to set it so it doesn't crack."
7:16Okay. What was done though was the scar
7:18was removed entirely. Whoa. There was no
7:21scar.
7:22These people went into these
7:23conversations believing they had a scar.
7:26>> And they didn't.
7:27>> They didn't. And that led them to have
7:29an expectation about how people would
7:30treat them.
7:32Which then led them to pay attention to
7:34things that objectively did not exist.
7:37It changed how they showed up. They
7:39created the reality they expected. And
7:41this is called expectation bias.
7:44We don't see the world as it is. We see
7:46the world as we expect it to be. Wow.
7:49Now, when we think about what that means
7:51for us,
7:52when you're thinking about this from
7:54your own perspective, anyone who is
7:55watching or listening,
7:57what kind of scars are you carrying
8:00into every single conversation, every
8:02interaction, every meeting, every
8:04interview, every conversation with your
8:06loved one?
8:08How is that affecting how you not only
8:10show up, but what you're interpreting
8:11and noticing that may not even be there?
8:14Because until we're aware of these
8:16scars, we don't realize just how much
8:18they're creating the world that we're
8:20living in. Dr. Shade, how do you rewire
8:25these moments of self-doubt?
8:27So, I have an analogy that I love to
8:28share to help us understand what we're
8:30actually rewiring when we're talking
8:32about self-doubt. So, what I have here
8:34is two glasses filled with yellow water.
8:37Okay. Now, I want to narrate this
8:39because the majority of you listen, and
8:42I don't want you to miss a thing. So,
8:43Dr. Shade is sitting here at the table
8:46for the podcast. She has two
8:49two the brim bright neon yellow glasses
8:52full of yellow water sitting on a tray.
8:55And in one hand, you have a ping pong
8:57ball? I have a ping pong ball.
8:58>> And on the other hand, she has a bright
9:00yellow golf ball. Okay. Now, if I were
9:03to take the ping pong ball, And what
9:05does the ping pong ball represent? The
9:07ping pong ball represents self-doubt. In
9:08fact, both balls represent self-doubt.
9:10>> do? And what's going to happen in the
9:12cups is it's going to help us understand
9:14different approaches to self-doubt.
9:16Okay. All right, great. So, so
9:18self-doubt might be Let's just take one
9:21we can all relate to. We've all had
9:22those mornings where you look in the
9:24mirror and you just go uh
9:26And because you've shared the scar
9:28example, let's just go with this
9:31perception that how we look
9:34has something to do with our value to
9:38the world. And so the form of self-doubt
9:41that the ping pong ball or the golf ball
9:42might represent is just this belief that
9:45because you look ugly today or your
9:47acne's on fire or maybe what's happening
9:49for me, I constantly notice the jowls
9:52that seem to be forming and I don't like
9:55them. And I feel a little bit of
9:57judgement and weight and I doubt myself.
9:59Am I looking older? Are people going to
10:01judge me for that? And so is that what
10:03these represent?
10:04>> Yes. Okay, so we got a ping pong ball
10:06and a golf ball. So if I were to take
10:08the ping pong ball and place it on one
10:11of the glasses of water, what would
10:12happen to it? I I think it would float
10:15cuz a ping pong ball is like, you know,
10:17kind of
10:18>> Yeah, light.
10:18>> airy airy So if we try that, what's
10:20going
10:21>> she it's just floating there. So this is
10:23this thing that maybe you feel a little
10:25doubt about and it's just kind of
10:27floating on top. What happened to the
10:30water? The water stayed the same. What
10:32does the water represent?
10:33>> The water represents how we see
10:35ourselves, our self-image. Oh. And so
10:38when we're talking about how doubt
10:40should be, cuz the goal again is not to
10:42eliminate the self-critical thoughts.
10:44That's too high a standard we're setting
10:46for ourselves.
10:46>> we can't, can we?
10:47>> do that. That's the function of the
10:48brain doing what it does.
10:50The goal is actually to allow the doubts
10:52to exist but essentially to float on top
10:54of who we are.
10:55>> And what Dr. Shade is doing right now,
10:57she's basically
10:59you know, kind of gently pushing the
11:01ping pong ball across the top of the
11:03glass and it's floating there like you
11:04might see a little sail toy sailboat
11:06floating at a at a, you know, public
11:09park. Just lightly drifting around. And
11:12so is an example of that, you look at
11:14yourself, you're like, not my best day,
11:15but no big deal.
11:16>> Oh well. Okay. Exactly. I'll just, you
11:18know, if I don't like the acne, I'll
11:19I'll just put some foundation on. No big
11:21deal.
11:21>> Yeah. Focus on what you can control.
11:23>> Focus on what I can control.
11:25Now what most of us experience though
11:27That's not what I experience.
11:28>> No, and that's not what most people
11:30experience. It's a lot more insidious
11:32than that. And this is
11:32>> you're holding a golf ball. Now I'm
11:34holding the golf ball. Now a golf ball
11:35is, in comparison to the ping pong ball,
11:37it's what? Dense, it's heavy, it's got
11:39weight to it.
11:40>> Yes.
11:40>> And if I were to drop this into this
11:42other cup of water, what would happen?
11:44>> It's going to sink.
11:46Oh, not only is it sink, like it's water
11:48just splashed everywhere and it sunk to
11:51the bottom.
11:53This is what happens when we internalize
11:56self-doubt.
11:57We allow it to mean something about who
11:59we are. So rather than just floating on
12:00the surface, we acknowledge it's there,
12:02we make it mean something about who we
12:04are.
12:05So instead of the, oh, I feel a little
12:07ugly today. Yes.
12:09>> You would say, oh, I feel ugly today. I
12:12am so ugly. I am so unworthy of other
12:15people's time and energy. I'm not
12:17valuable. Everybody's staring at me. I
12:19don't want to speak at work. Everybody's
12:21looking at this thing that I don't like
12:23about myself. And what's so stunning
12:26about the visual, and I want to really
12:27describe this for you as you're
12:28listening,
12:29is on the right, you have this like
12:32dopey little ping pong ball floating
12:34around. Do do do do do do do do do do
12:35do. It's there.
12:38You haven't said you can't have the
12:40thought,
12:41but it's not sinking into your soul
12:45and dragging you down like an emotional
12:48weighted vest that then impacts every
12:51aspect of your day. The other thing that
12:54I want to point out is that on the left,
12:56you know, the heaviness of the
12:58self-judgment,
12:59I got some acne, I'm short, my hair
13:01sucks today, whatever it may be. I got
13:03fired from that job, therefore I am not
13:06worthy of a job. You can see how it's
13:09just sitting there at the bottom of the
13:13glass. And then, even more sad, Dr.
13:16Shade,
13:17is the spilled yellow water all over the
13:20place because what you get the sense of
13:22is as self-doubt weighs you down, you
13:25lose a bit of yourself
13:28to make room for carrying that doubt
13:30with you day in and day out.
13:34And then what's even more worrying is
13:36even if you go through the process of
13:39working on yourself Okay, now hold on.
13:40She's taking her phone
13:42and she is now digging in and spilling
13:44more water out and she is getting the
13:47golf ball out of there, right? She's
13:49getting it out of there, okay? So maybe
13:51our skin has cleared up. Maybe we have a
13:53better hairstyle. Maybe we have moved on
13:56from the job or the breakup and now we
13:58are out there interviewing again. So we
14:00took care of the thing or so we thought.
14:04>> but has that water miraculously refilled
14:07itself to the brim? No. No, there's a
14:10piece missing.
14:11And so what self-doubt does is it strips
14:13you of who you truly are Mhm. because
14:15you're internalizing it. You lose a part
14:17of yourself. And even if you do the
14:19work, you enter what's called the void.
14:21So now, okay, the golf ball is out and
14:24maybe you are seeing that ping pong ball
14:25floating above. Yep. You're detaching
14:27from it. But then you enter that weird
14:30middle stage where you actually don't
14:31know who you are without the doubt
14:33because for so long it has driven your
14:35behaviors and your think thinking and
14:38your actions and the way that you show
14:40up in the world. You've been acting to
14:42prove yourself to others or to seek
14:44their validation and suddenly
14:46you don't know what your true instincts
14:47are Mhm. and who you are in the world.
14:50And so there's that really interesting
14:51little space where you need to discover
14:54who that is again.
14:55But it starts with changing how we see
14:58ourselves. So when we talk about rewire
14:59self-doubt
15:01it's actually not necessarily about the
15:02doubt at all. It's about strengthening
15:05how we see ourselves by strengthening
15:07these four attributes so that the doubt
15:09is no longer a golf ball, no longer
15:12becomes
15:13internalized, no longer infiltrates how
15:15we see ourselves and instead it's there.
15:18Hey, okay, I can see you. I know that
15:20you're that voice up there, but I don't
15:22have to listen to you. I don't have to
15:23believe everything I think. And that's
15:25so incredibly powerful when people both
15:27acknowledge it and then take the steps
15:29to actually get there. And I take it
15:32that what you're about to teach us not
15:34only helps us
15:36become more buoyant with the day-to-day
15:38self-doubts,
15:40but it also is going to help us fill
15:43that void with new capacities with
15:46ourselves that self-doubt stole from us.
15:49That's exactly what we're going to be
15:50doing. Let's get this water out of here.
15:53Dr. ShaDay, you have this incredible
15:55framework based on research that helps
15:57us break apart self-doubt and build
15:59self-trust and self-confidence. Can you
16:01explain what this framework is? There
16:03are four attributes. We have acceptance,
16:06we have agency, we have autonomy, we
16:08have adaptability. Why is having this
16:10four-part framework helpful to breaking
16:13apart these moments of self-doubt and
16:15helping us build more confidence and
16:18self-trust? Why do we need a framework?
16:20It's because we misunderstand self-doubt
16:22as being one blob of worry, insecurity,
16:24fear, and anxiety.
16:26And that means then if it we think it's
16:27one thing, we think there's one
16:28solution, and that's why so many people
16:30are disappointed when they tried the
16:32self-help route and they've tried this
16:33book or that approach and it's not
16:34working, and it's because self-doubt
16:36doesn't operate that way. There are
16:38actually four distinct elements, and
16:40once you figure out which one is lacking
16:43in you, which one is weak, then you know
16:45exactly what you need to focus on, and
16:46then you can access the tools and the
16:48frameworks to help you move through and
16:50strengthen that so that everything in
16:51life just becomes so much more freeing.
16:54Let's start with acceptance. And so
16:56self-acceptance is fundamentally
16:57accepting that you are a work in
16:59progress. You don't need other people to
17:01validate your worth. You are worthy just
17:04by existing. Now, that doesn't mean that
17:06you accept that you will never change.
17:08It's actually acknowledging that I can
17:10change, I can grow, and be that work in
17:12progress knowing that self-improvement
17:13is possible.
17:15So, it's a beautifully liberating state.
17:16When you don't accept yourself, that is
17:18when you self-reject. Mhm.
17:20>> You self-reject before anyone else can.
17:22But, how do you accept yourself if you
17:24don't like yourself? You know what I
17:26mean? Like, you look in like and I'm
17:27just going to stay with
17:29the physical because every one of us has
17:32the example.
17:33And when we start to get into
17:35psychological, I don't like myself
17:37because of X, Y, Z that has happened or
17:39these things that I did, it can get more
17:41complicated and I want all of us to just
17:43stay right here and be listening for
17:46ourselves and listening for the people
17:48in your life who struggle with a lot of
17:51self-doubt. So, if you do look in the
17:53mirror and you're like, "Yeah, and I
17:56don't want to accept that." So, there
17:57are two things that I'd recommend you
17:59do, okay? The first Well, actually
18:00there's three. The first one is that you
18:02need to acknowledge that until you
18:04accept yourself, nothing will change. If
18:07you are someone who is saying, "I don't
18:08believe it."
18:09>> Yes.
18:09>> In that case, what you want to do is use
18:11other strategies and tools Okay.
18:13>> that allow you to strengthen the
18:14self-acceptance in other ways that
18:17naturally will help you recognize that
18:19you are valuable in spite of not
18:22believing that initially. Okay, so the
18:24very, very first tool is very simple. We
18:25call it the careless list.
18:27What you're going to do is grab a sheet
18:29of paper, Yeah. divide it into two
18:31columns. On the left, I want you to
18:33write down all the things you want to
18:34care less about.
18:35>> Mhm.
18:36>> I want to care less about my physical
18:37appearance. I want to care less about
18:39what people in the street think of me
18:40when I walk by. I want to care less
18:42about what my family keeps saying about
18:44my acne or my weight or how I look.
18:46Actually, acknowledge it. Give it a
18:48physical outlet. A lot of people don't
18:50actually want to acknowledge their fears
18:51because they're afraid that they'll make
18:53them real.
18:54But, I am a proponent and a lot of
18:55evidence suggests that if you can just
18:57make them real, it gives you something
18:59to work with. You're not hiding from it.
19:01So, you write down everything you
19:02actually want to care less about, put it
19:04in the left, and then just reflect on
19:06how you feel when you look at that.
19:08I love that. It's simple. So, that's our
19:11careless list. We've identified all the
19:13things that we want to care less about.
19:15The next step is, okay, what do I want
19:16to care more about?
19:18What do I actually want to shift my
19:20attention to because attention is such a
19:21superpower. If we're not aware of it,
19:24we're going to be stuck in patterns that
19:26keep us stuck. But if we can become more
19:28aware of it, be a bit more curious about
19:30how we're thinking, this is called
19:31metacognition. It's the ability to think
19:33about your thoughts, and it is a
19:35fundamental superpower cuz the moment
19:37you start thinking about your thoughts,
19:39you're no longer in your thoughts. So,
19:41consciously write down, what do I want
19:43to care more about? Well, I want to care
19:45more about being a value in my life. I
19:48want to care more about having the kind
19:50of courage that allows me to take the
19:51step even if I've got the acne or I look
19:54a certain way.
19:56You map them down, and then it's a super
19:58simple practice. You just bring yourself
19:59back to this regularly to remind
20:02yourself, okay, my attention is going on
20:04to these things, but I really want to
20:05care less about them. How do I actively
20:07shift my attention to what I want to
20:08care more about? When you consciously
20:10take control of your thoughts, you're
20:12re-engaging the prefrontal regions in
20:14your brain. We get more activation, more
20:16blood flow going here, and then it
20:18fundamentally shapes how you're showing
20:20up. So, that's a really, really simple
20:23practice if you're struggling with any
20:24kind of physical element. Well, it's
20:27also really helpful if you're moving
20:30through something emotional.
20:32>> Completely.
20:32>> If you have just gotten laid off,
20:35your job already was something you cared
20:37about for years. If you no longer have
20:40it, even if it was devastating to lose
20:44the job, don't you want to care less
20:47about that job that's no longer here?
20:49And don't you want to care more about
20:51the future you and your future value and
20:54the next chapter of your career? Same
20:57thing with a breakup. You already gave
20:59years or months or however much time and
21:01energy to the relationship that's over.
21:04Don't you want to care less about it?
21:06Have it impact you a little bit less?
21:08Don't you want to care more about all of
21:11the things that could bring you
21:12happiness, about reinventing yourself,
21:15about stepping into this next It's such
21:17a beautiful and simple illustration
21:19because it's true, Dr. Shade. We live in
21:21our heads.
21:22>> Mhm. And I love that when you get out of
21:24your head and you put it on paper like
21:26this,
21:27it allows you to not be in your
21:29thoughts, but to examine them and direct
21:32them differently. It's brilliant.
21:34Dr. Shade, could you walk us through
21:36just what does life feel like for
21:39somebody who has low self-acceptance?
21:43So, we see four really painfully
21:46familiar patterns with people who have
21:48low self-acceptance.
21:49The first one is what we call the
21:51pressure to prove.
21:52Mhm. So, this is where you feel like
21:54you're not enough, so you have to prove
21:57your worth through achievement, and
21:59setting and achieving the goal, and
22:01getting the recognition and the title.
22:04But, what happens is
22:05you tell yourself, "When I get there,
22:07then I will feel like I'm enough." Mhm.
22:09And you get there, and it doesn't feel
22:11like you thought it would, and then you
22:13just set the next goal. So, you're
22:14perpetually chasing this feeling of
22:16enoughness, and you're proving yourself,
22:18but it's not having the effect that you
22:19want. That's the first, pressure to
22:21prove. The second one is what we call
22:22the likeability trap.
22:24So, if you don't accept who you are, you
22:27outsource your worth to how other people
22:30see you. Mhm. And if they can like you,
22:32if they can see you as acceptable, then
22:34maybe you can see yourself as
22:35acceptable.
22:37But, then this leads you to sacrifice
22:39yourself. You say yes when you really
22:41mean no. You over-apologize for things
22:44you shouldn't be apologizing for. You
22:46don't speak up in the meeting. You don't
22:48ask for what you deserve.
22:50And you end up sacrificing what you want
22:51and need because you're prioritizing
22:53everyone else all the time. And you
22:55don't know who you are. So, that's the
22:56likeability trap. We prioritize being
22:58liked over being true to who we are. And
23:00I say we because I struggle with
23:02acceptance. I speak from experience
23:03here.
23:04Now, the third one is what we refer to
23:06as the shrinking syndrome.
23:10So, this is where you see someone, and
23:11you might resonate with this if you're
23:13watching or listening, where
23:15an opportunity comes your way, an
23:17incredible opportunity,
23:19but suddenly your brain starts
23:20magnifying all the ways it could go
23:21wrong.
23:22The ways you might fall short, the ways
23:23you might fail, the what will other
23:25people think.
23:27And so, you know what? It's safer just
23:29to shrink back and make an excuse as to
23:31why you're not ready or why the timing
23:33is not right. Yeah. You shrink from
23:35those incredible opportunities. And then
23:36the fourth is the Schadenfreude cycle.
23:39This is a German term, and it refers to
23:41that feeling that some people get, that
23:43feeling of pleasure when they see other
23:46people struggle, or other people
23:48stumble, or other people fail.
23:51And it's ego-driven, and it's because
23:52when they don't accept themselves, they
23:54like to see other people suffer, too.
23:57Oh. It's terrible. It's absolutely
23:59terrible. It's more common than you'd
24:00think. It's why people love gossip. It's
24:04why people love reading headlines that
24:05are tearing other people down. It's very
24:08much a human experience, but it reflects
24:10that someone doesn't fundamentally
24:11accept who they are.
24:12>> Oh, I hate that.
24:14>> I hate that, too. Wow. It happens.
24:16You know, in your book, Big Trust, you
24:18cover 10 different ways that you can
24:22start to build self-acceptance. Can you
24:24just give us a handful of them?
24:26Absolutely. I'll share some of the
24:27simplest ones that are really, really
24:28tangible for people. So, what we see
24:30with anyone who struggles with
24:31acceptance is they will over-apologize.
24:34Sorry I'm talking too much. Sorry I'm so
24:35emotional.
24:36The simplest thing you can do here,
24:38rather than apologizing which is to
24:39highlight some inadequacy and makes you
24:41feel less, yeah, is to shift into
24:43appreciation.
24:45So, instead of sorry I'm talking too
24:47much, you would say, "Thank you so much
24:49for listening."
24:50Instead of sorry I'm being really
24:52emotional right now, thank you for
24:54bearing with me. I'm passionate about
24:56this. [clears throat]
24:57And this is the power of the words that
24:59we use when we're engaging with people
25:01because it not only shapes how we feel,
25:02suddenly we're not apologizing for
25:04existing, we're actually acknowledging
25:06the other person. So, we feel better,
25:08but it makes the other person feel
25:09better, too. I needed you yesterday as I
25:11was crying over something and then
25:12apologizing to everybody for being
25:14emotional about something that was
25:15stupid. But it's cuz you care. And then
25:18saying to everybody, "And you're
25:19probably judging me that I shouldn't be
25:21stu- So, now I'm making them wrong.
25:24When I And it made me feel worse and it
25:27made everybody feel uncomfortable.
25:30And it would have been way better to
25:32just say, "Thank you for bearing with
25:33me. This is just a lot. And I really
25:36appreciate your patience and your
25:38kindness
25:39on this I need a I
25:41As soon as this interview is over, I am
25:43making a phone call and saying that to
25:44somebody because it it I didn't use that
25:47and it's very powerful shift. Because I
25:50can see how stomping on myself and not
25:52accepting my emotions. And then
25:55inadvertently
25:57stomping on everybody sitting there
25:59trying to comfort me.
26:01Wow. Okay, what's another one?
26:02>> Simple, powerful. Okay, the next one is
26:04if you struggle with acceptance, you
26:05also tend to say yes before you've even
26:09processed what you Is this resonating
26:11with you, Mel?
26:11>> Yes.
26:12It's I didn't think I struggled with
26:13self-acceptance so, but I guess I do.
26:15>> Well, interestingly, a lot of really
26:17high achievers who have done incredible
26:18things in their life struggle with
26:20self-acceptance. Huh. And it's one of
26:22the things that keeps them pushing, but
26:24it's also one of the things that really
26:25tethers them and is weighty. Yeah. So,
26:28if you, like me, like Mel, tend to over
26:32commit because you're saying yes to
26:34everybody else because you don't want to
26:35let them down,
26:37what's really valuable is learning how
26:39to say no. But what you want to do first
26:41is not just an automatic no. You create
26:43a little bit of a delay. So, you can
26:45actually process what they've said. We
26:46know from research that even a few
26:48seconds, a few milliseconds, allows us
26:50to make a better decision when the
26:51pressure is on. So, what does that
26:53actually look like in practice? You
26:54start with thank you for thinking of me,
26:56so positive first response. You move
26:59into let me check with my schedule. Let
27:01me check with my husband or my wife. Let
27:03me confirm I have capacity, and then
27:06step three is I will get back to you by
27:08X time, right? Thanks for thinking of
27:10me, let me check, I'll get back to you.
27:13And then you reflect on whether you
27:14actually want to do this thing.
27:16Now, then the next part comes, how do
27:17you actually say no if you want to
27:19decline? When we just think about the
27:21saying no, it can feel very selfish if
27:23you are a people pleaser, if you
27:25struggle with approval and acceptance.
27:28So, what you want to be thinking about
27:29is, okay, how do I make this not a no,
27:31but a yes to myself? Oh. If I can make
27:34this a yes to myself, I don't have to
27:35say to the other person I'm saying yes
27:36to myself, but it makes the process so
27:38much easier.
27:39>> me an example.
27:40>> So, an example would be, okay, I don't
27:41want to spend the whole weekend
27:43helping someone move in because I'm
27:45going to say yes to the fact that I need
27:47recovery this weekend. Yes.
27:49>> So, then when you go and give the
27:50decline, it's not just a no because I'm
27:52selfish, it's actually again, thank you
27:54for thinking of me, this weekend I'm
27:55focusing on rest and recovery, but let
27:57me know how you go. I'd love to see you
27:59when you're all set up.
28:00>> Right, or this weekend I'm I had plans
28:02to go to the museum, or this weekend I
28:04already had something else going on and
28:05can't help you out.
28:06>> So simple. So, that's the second tool. I
28:08want to share it just two more really
28:09quick ones. The third one is a really
28:11counter-intuitive one. If you want to
28:13accept yourself more, go and get a
28:14hobby. Why?
28:16>> Because people who struggle with
28:17self-acceptance tend to identify with
28:20their jobs. So, if you're watching or
28:22listening right now and you're you're
28:23resonating with this, you probably
28:25identify with the work that you do.
28:27Which means if things are going really
28:29well at work, you feel fantastic. If
28:31things are not going well, you're going
28:32to feel terrible because you're
28:34internalizing it. Does that resonate?
28:36>> I feel called out. I'm just going to say
28:37it right there. Yes, given that I was
28:39crying yesterday morning
28:41>> [laughter]
28:41>> and objectively things are going
28:44amazing. When you do something outside
28:47of your day job, outside of your
28:48business, outside of whatever title
28:50you've attached to yourself, it reminds
28:52you that you are so much more than what
28:54you're doing
28:55in that business, at work. Now, we also
28:57need to acknowledge sometimes this is to
28:59do with your role as a parent. Mhm. You
29:01might identify so closely with being a
29:04parent if you are a full-time carer.
29:06And so getting a hobby gives you that
29:08separation. It activates different parts
29:09of the brain. There was a study with
29:11over 93,000 people in 16 different
29:13countries and they found that people who
29:15have hobbies
29:16accept themselves more. They have higher
29:19self-esteem. So there's that evidence.
29:21There's also another super interesting
29:23study of Nobel Prize winning scientists.
29:26They found that those Nobel Prize
29:27winning scientists were three times more
29:30likely than regular scientists to have a
29:32hobby and 22 times more likely to have a
29:35creative hobby. Now, what does that tell
29:37you and why is that important?
29:39>> It tells us that well, what these actual
29:40scientists told the researchers, which
29:42then leads into what that tells us, they
29:45said that having those hobbies gave them
29:47something outside of work to make
29:48connections.
29:49>> Mhm. It gave them an outlet when they
29:50were having a bad day at work and it
29:52allowed them to realize that their
29:53identity is not just what they're doing
29:56in the lab. They actually can go and
29:58have fun and give themselves permission
30:00to play and be a beginner. Could you
30:02talk specifically to a person who's
30:04listening right now who may be in a
30:07moment in life where they are a
30:10caregiver for somebody aging or they've
30:12got super young kids at home and they're
30:14stretched so thin?
30:16Could you speak directly to why a hobby
30:22right now when it feels like you have no
30:24time is the exact thing you need to make
30:28time for
30:29when it comes to your self-doubt and
30:33everything that you're doing for
30:34everybody else?
30:36Because hobbies are a form of recovery
30:38Mhm. and they remind you that you're
30:40important, too. And when you give
30:42yourself the permission to recover and
30:44go and have fun and play, it allows you
30:47to be a better carer, to be a better
30:50parent, to be a better whatever it is in
30:52your life. You give yourself that
30:54permission, you're honoring the fact
30:56that you accept who you are and that you
30:57need these things. We know, the research
30:59tells us that play is important, hobbies
31:01are important, and honoring that can be
31:03one of the most powerful things that you
31:04do. Dr. Shade, you also say that to
31:08build more self-acceptance,
31:11stop using positive affirmations. This
31:15is a big one. So, we see all the time
31:17online that we should use positive
31:19affirmations. If you don't feel like
31:21you're enough, tell yourself, "I'm
31:22enough." every morning. Yep. Now,
31:25that doesn't work if you struggle with
31:27self-acceptance. Research shows us that
31:30if you struggle with self-acceptance and
31:31self-esteem, using positive affirmations
31:33backfires and makes you feel worse. Why?
31:37Because it contradicts how you see
31:38yourself. Mhm. And there's a part of
31:40your brain, your mind that goes, "Nah,
31:42you're faking it." and you can become
31:44even more self-critical.
31:46Wow. Wow. So, what do we do instead?
31:48That's not to say that positive
31:49affirmations
31:50>> cuz if you hate the way you look in the
31:52mirror and you're like, "I look
31:53beautiful. I'm enough. I'm this. I'm
31:55that." and you don't believe any of it,
31:58then there is this disconnect. You know
32:01you're lying to yourself. So, if you
32:02can't say positive things, what does the
32:05research tell us that we should say if
32:08we're struggling with self-doubt and
32:10self-acceptance?
32:11To use a self-affirming, growth-oriented
32:14statement instead.
32:15>> That's a mouthful. So, what is the
32:17sentence?
32:17>> simple, simple terms, it's simply don't
32:20lie to yourself. Just flip it into
32:22something that's growth-minded. For
32:24example,
32:24>> Yes. one of the areas that lack of
32:27self-acceptance shows up in is this
32:29belief of I'm boring.
32:31I'm actually boring because people don't
32:33want to be too much for others. And so,
32:35that looks like them believing that they
32:37have nothing of value to share, nothing
32:40of meaning to share, and so they tell
32:41themselves, "No, I'm boring." So a
32:43simple way is not, "Oh, I'm the life of
32:45the party. Everyone loves me." That's a
32:47positive affirmation that will backfire.
32:48You would say, "Okay,
32:50I bring a calming and grounded presence
32:52to my conversations."
32:54You see how you're not trying to one-up
32:57with something positive. You're actually
32:58just sidestepping it and flipping it.
33:00Yep. And that suddenly makes you feel
33:02very, very different.
33:03If you feel like you're unlovable,
33:05instead of "No, I am lovable," which may
33:08backfire, you would say, "I have certain
33:10qualities that the right people value."
33:13Mhm. So again, it's so simple. It's not
33:15flipping it with something that's almost
33:17toxically positive. Yeah. It's just
33:19shifting into something that is
33:20growth-oriented and anchored in truth,
33:22and it doesn't require you to become
33:24someone else, which is the beautiful
33:25thing. Well, it sounds like the test is
33:27do your shoulders drop? Yes. Versus,
33:29"I'm lovable." You know, your shoulders
33:31up, "I don't know. Am I?" Yeah.
33:33>> But if you say, "I have qualities that
33:35the right people really love and
33:37appreciate."
33:38Aw, like your shoulders just dropped
33:40because there's truth in it. I love
33:43that. I love that.
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34:35So, let's move on to the second A in the
34:38four-part framework
34:40of rewiring self-doubt and building more
34:43confidence, and that is agency. What is
34:46agency? So, in the context of
34:48self-doubt, agency is that attribute
34:50that allows you to trust that you can do
34:52the thing.
34:53And if you don't know how to do it, you
34:55will learn how to do it.
34:56And so, if you trust that you can do
34:58that, you're going to take the step.
35:00You're going to say yes. You're going to
35:02persist when things don't go well
35:04because deep down you believe that you
35:06can.
35:07Now, when this is weak Yes.
35:10>> let's explore what this looks like. So,
35:11if this is weak, if you struggle with
35:12your agency, we see a number of patterns
35:14here.
35:15The first one is the dreaded imposter
35:17syndrome
35:19where you have achieved things in your
35:21life, amazing things, maybe recognition,
35:23maybe awards, maybe an amazing job
35:25title.
35:26And yet, you feel like you don't deserve
35:28it. You feel like someone is going to
35:30highlight that you shouldn't be where
35:31you are. And so, essentially, what it
35:34comes down to is that you believe other
35:36people think you're smarter
35:38or more competent than you really are.
35:41Now, a few things about imposter
35:42syndrome.
35:44The term imposter syndrome was not the
35:46term that was used initially when it was
35:48discovered. Back in the '70s, '80s, when
35:50it was first observed, they called it
35:52the imposter phenomenon.
35:55Now, what's the difference between a
35:56phenomenon? So, a phenomenon is
35:57basically where you observe something in
35:59a population of people.
36:01Right? A syndrome is something that
36:04seems medical and seems pathological and
36:06seems like something is wrong with us.
36:07>> A phenomenon seems like something that
36:10can appear occasionally. Yeah. Syndrome
36:13feels like a life sentence.
36:15Well said. Okay. And so, we need to
36:17think when we feel like an imposter,
36:20it's actually far more common
36:22than you'd expect. In fact, some studies
36:24have found up to 82% of people have felt
36:26like an imposter at some point. Wow.
36:28>> And the beautiful thing about feeling
36:30like an impostor is it is a sign that
36:32you are growing.
36:34You are stepping out of your comfort
36:36zone. Cuz anyone who has ever done
36:37anything new will be in a position where
36:39they haven't had all the skills, or they
36:41don't know all the answers, and it's
36:43very easy for them to then feel like I
36:45don't deserve to be here.
36:47But you have to honor the fact that you
36:49bring a track record with you, and maybe
36:50we'll talk about a few tools to help
36:52with this a bit later. Yes. So, that's
36:54the first one. The second one we see a
36:55lot of here with anyone who struggles
36:57with agency is social comparison. Oh.
36:59>> They're comparing themselves to other
37:01people, not in a positive way, but in a
37:03you are so far ahead of me and I'm
37:05inadequate, I could never do that.
37:07And we see this a lot when people again
37:09are leveling up in their lives,
37:11moving up in their careers, achieving
37:13more things in their business. Suddenly,
37:15as soon as you take that step to the
37:17next level, you're now comparing
37:19yourself with people at that level,
37:21which naturally means that there's more
37:23for you to develop and do and and grow
37:26because they've been there longer than
37:27you. Maybe they are better at certain
37:29things, but if you start fixating on
37:31that and feeling like I can never do
37:32what they do, you undermine your agency.
37:35So, that's the second one. I mean,
37:37comparison is natural, but we need to
37:38get better at making sure it's not
37:40filling us with self-doubt.
37:41>> Yep. And then the third area here is
37:43where people are just constantly waiting
37:45to feel ready, to feel prepared, so they
37:47procrastinate
37:49by busying themselves with planning and
37:52reading and preparing. And they say, "I
37:54just want to learn a little bit more."
37:55But we know that the more you learn
37:57about something,
37:58the more you realize how little you know
38:00about that thing,
38:01and the more doubt you have, and the
38:03less likely you are to take the step.
38:05I think this is so fascinating, and I
38:07just want to reflect back two things to
38:09you. So, if you're somebody that
38:11struggles with agency
38:14when it comes to self-doubt, you may
38:16feel impostor syndrome,
38:18you may struggle a lot with comparison,
38:21and you may also be a big planner. And
38:24one of the things that struck me that
38:25I've never thought about before
38:27is that when you identify and get very
38:30clear about a goal that you have,
38:32whether it's getting in better shape or
38:34it's dressing in a more style-able way
38:36or it is earning more money or it is
38:39changing your career and getting into
38:41real estate or learning how to make
38:42money online, simply identifying a new
38:45goal or a change
38:48means that you have a gap of having to
38:53become more capable in that area. You've
38:55never done this before. And so, what are
38:58the tools other than saying, "I can
39:00figure this out." or saying, "Hey,
39:02comparing myself is part of this. Like
39:05it means that I want this." Like how do
39:07you deal with imposter syndrome in
39:09particular? So, the very first step,
39:12let's look at the feeling that you are
39:14fraudulent, that you don't deserve to be
39:16where you are, okay? What you want to
39:18think about is, "Okay, this is actually
39:20super common. This just means I'm
39:21stretching and growing. So, how do I
39:23give myself time?" And a very simple
39:25reframe, because we know how powerful it
39:27is when we're changing the language that
39:28is going on in our heads, is instead of,
39:31"I don't feel like I deserve this." or
39:33"I don't feel like I belong."
39:34immediately shift to
39:36"What an incredible opportunity I have
39:39to learn and grow." Mhm. So simple and
39:42yet so effective, because you're
39:43shifting your attention to everything
39:45you think you lack into, "Cool, I can
39:48fill some gaps. Amazing." Again, you
39:50don't have to lie to yourself, you're
39:51being really pragmatic about that. So,
39:53that's the first step.
39:54The second one is to
39:57actually talk about it when it comes to
39:59imposter syndrome. So many people have
40:01experienced it. Just feeling
40:03undeserving. It's so common and when you
40:05speak about it openly, you realize that
40:09everyone is on this same journey and
40:11that sense of collective can be really
40:13helpful. So, in the 1980s
40:16Citicorp was merging with Travelers
40:19Insurance, and they needed a graphic
40:21designer to come up with their new logo.
40:23So, they hired the firm, and Paula Scher
40:24was a partner at this firm. She's an
40:26incredible graphic designer. She comes
40:28in, and she's sitting at the boardroom
40:29table with the the decision-makers, and
40:32they're all talking about what they
40:33wanted for the logo. She grabs a napkin
40:36from the side of the table, and she
40:37starts scribbling on that napkin.
40:39A few seconds later, she slides that
40:41napkin across the table, and she says,
40:43"Here is your logo."
40:45Now, the room was stunned.
40:47People were thinking, "How is it
40:48possible that you designed a logo in
40:49just a matter of seconds?"
40:51And she says,
40:53"I designed this in a second and 34
40:56years.
40:57I designed this with everything that I
40:59have learned. So, yeah, you got it in a
41:00few seconds, but it took me 34 years to
41:02be able to do that." Mhm. And they ended
41:05up paying her $1.5 million
41:07for that logo.
41:08Now, what is the message behind this
41:10that we can take away?
41:11So often when we feel like imposters, we
41:13are just looking at the here and now.
41:15The spotlight is on this current space
41:17that we're in.
41:18And we forget that we have this
41:20incredible track record behind us.
41:23In Paula Scher's case, it was 34 years
41:26of work that got her to that point. But
41:28a lot of us will sit there in that
41:29meeting and think, "Oh gosh, I need to
41:30design something. I don't know if I've
41:32done this before." We fixate on all the
41:34gaps. "I don't deserve to be here."
41:36So, that's a really powerful lesson from
41:38that. Shift the spotlight back to
41:41everything that you have developed over
41:43the course of your life and your career.
41:45That reminds you, "Hey, maybe I do have
41:47certain capabilities and skills that
41:49I've earned that allow me this seat at
41:52the table."
41:52>> The third A in this framework around
41:55self-doubt and building confidence is
41:57autonomy. What does autonomy mean, Dr.
41:59Shade?
42:00So, in the context of self-doubt,
42:02autonomy is the belief that you have a
42:04degree of control over your life. Mhm.
42:06You feel personally powerful. Now, that
42:08doesn't mean you can control absolutely
42:10everything, because not everything can
42:11be controlled, but you focus on what you
42:13can and because of that you feel like
42:15you have more control.
42:17Now, if you don't have a strong degree
42:19of autonomy, we see a number of common
42:21patterns here.
42:23And if you're paying attention, if
42:24you're listening to this, you will
42:26probably be able to identify at least
42:28someone in your life
42:29who is struggling here. We are less able
42:32to identify in ourselves because part of
42:34low autonomy is not taking ownership.
42:36Mhm. So, okay, let's look at these
42:37patterns. The first one is if you
42:39struggle with autonomy, you complain
42:41a lot.
42:43You complain about everything wrong in
42:44your life because it's easier to
42:45complain than to do something about it.
42:48Because to do something about it
42:49requires you to take ownership.
42:51And that is what low autonomy doesn't
42:53allow you to do. So, you complain. Now,
42:55people don't realize when they complain
42:57about things, they are reliving the
42:59situation in vivid detail in their
43:01brain,
43:02which is creating deeper, more efficient
43:05neural pathways, which makes complaining
43:07your default. You basically become a
43:09negativity magnet.
43:11Cuz you notice more of the things to
43:12complain about. So, we get complaining
43:14is the first pattern. The second one is
43:16blame.
43:18People are blaming others,
43:21the situation, the traffic, the weather,
43:23my husband, my wife, my boyfriend, my
43:25team. There's no personal
43:27accountability. And they will share that
43:29with everybody else. The third one is
43:31resentment,
43:33where again they are resentful to other
43:36people because they feel like everyone
43:38else has an easier life than they do.
43:40And that also leads them to play into
43:41this victim mindset, why me? Life is so
43:44difficult for me.
43:45And the fourth is Okay, so you know
43:48those people that come to you when they
43:49share with you their objectively
43:50difficult life stories? And the first
43:53time they share it with you, you are so
43:54filled with empathy and compassion for
43:56what they've been through.
43:58And then by the time they've shared it
44:00with you the 20th or 30th time, you
44:02realize they are keeping themselves
44:04stuck by ruminating on it.
44:06>> Yes. because it's safer for they feel
44:08safer when they can hold on to a wound
44:11because it reinforces this view of I am
44:12a victim. I am powerless. Look at how
44:14terrible my life has been. And they get
44:16sympathy from that, so it's socially
44:17rewarding.
44:19So, this is what we see.
44:20So, the next question is, well, what do
44:21we do? Yes.
44:22>> If Yes, what do we do? And I want to
44:24take them one at a time because so many
44:26people struggle with each one of these.
44:27So, Dr. Shade, what do you do if you are
44:30constantly overthinking everything? So,
44:32if you're constantly overthinking
44:33everything, overthinking is a sign that
44:37you do not feel like you have control.
44:39And it's your brain's attempt to try and
44:41manufacture certainty when there is
44:43none.
44:44Your brain says to itself, cuz the brain
44:46likes to be really efficient. It wants
44:47to save energy.
44:49And so, it's fundamentally lazy. And so,
44:51there's this part of it that goes, if I
44:52can anticipate everything that could go
44:54wrong, then I have to expend less energy
44:57when the consequence eventually happens.
44:59And this is why we get stuck in those
45:00loops of everything that could be out of
45:02our control. It's also what reinforces
45:05low acceptance because we start
45:07overthinking, do they like me? What did
45:08that mean? How come they haven't replied
45:10to me?
45:11Or agency. What if people find out I
45:12can't do this? What if I mess up there?
45:14So, it's all a reflection of low
45:15autonomy.
45:17So, when we're overthinking, something
45:18that is terrible advice is to tell
45:21yourself, just stop worrying. Stop
45:22overthinking. And yet you might have
45:24someone in your life that says this to
45:26you, just stop worrying.
45:28Bad advice.
45:29What we know is much more effective is
45:31to give your overthinking an outlet.
45:34What does that mean?
45:35Every time you have a distracting
45:36thought that pops up during the day, a
45:38worry, you're ruminating on something,
45:40grab a notebook and a pen and actually
45:42write it down.
45:43And then you say to yourself, I'm not
45:45going to worry about you now. I will
45:46worry about you during worry zone. Okay.
45:49Okay, so you're parking it somewhere.
45:51Got it. Then, at the end of the day, you
45:53want to actually schedule in your
45:54calendar about 10 minutes of worry time.
45:58Not too close to bed cuz it might keep
45:59you up. So, a good time is, you know,
46:01around 5:00, 4:00, 5:00, whenever works.
46:03You schedule it in your calendar. When
46:05that time comes, you set an alarm for 10
46:07or 15 minutes. You bring out your worry
46:09list, and you allow yourself to worry.
46:12Now, this does a few things. It's called
46:13stimulus control for worry, and research
46:16has found This is an incredibly
46:18effective technique.
46:19>> It is.
46:20>> To It is.
46:21>> be honest, it sounds dumb.
46:22>> It sounds completely dumb.
46:23>> It sounds like, what?
46:24>> It sounds completely counterintuitive.
46:26But, what happens is when you're not
46:28worrying about something in the moment,
46:29the emotions attached to it when it
46:31initially came up
46:32>> Mhm. are no longer there.
46:35And when you're not worrying about it in
46:36the moment, when it comes up in the
46:37moment, it's driven largely by default
46:39areas in the brain.
46:41By you know, there's greater activation
46:43in the threat detection centers, in the
46:45fear centers of the brain.
46:47And so, naturally, we don't have access
46:49to the front regions, which allows us to
46:51process that rationally. But, when you
46:53review it later, you suddenly Well, it
46:55shrinks the fear to size, and the
46:57research tells us that you can so better
46:59manage your emotional state, and
47:01actually assess, "Okay, well, are any of
47:04these actually going to happen?
47:06And do I have control over any of these
47:08things? Now, the next step is once your
47:10alarm goes off, you actually close it,
47:11and you That's it. Like, you're done
47:13with your worries. End of the week, you
47:15reflect.
47:16What could I control? What couldn't I
47:18control? And if there's something I can
47:20control, what am I going to do about it?
47:22It's a really effective way to deal with
47:24that overthinking.
47:26Dr. Shade, what do you want to say to
47:27somebody who's a chronic complainer?
47:29You don't realize how you're keeping
47:31yourself stuck when you complain about
47:33the things you have no control over.
47:36It's cathartic. It feels good in the
47:39moment. It's rewarding, but it's
47:40actually keeping you stuck.
47:42The moment you find yourself
47:44complaining, the first step is to become
47:46aware of it, which is sometimes the hard
47:47part. The next step is to ask yourself,
47:49"Okay, well, I essentially have a few
47:51options here. I can accept the situation
47:53as it is.
47:55I can change the situation.
47:59I can leave the situation, or I can
48:01change how I see the situation.
48:04They're the only four options I have.
48:06So, you pick one, and then acknowledge
48:09that if I keep complaining about this,
48:10I'm only going to feel worse. It is not
48:13going to help me. So, what is fantastic
48:15for anyone who tends to complain a lot,
48:17you will also hear language of should.
48:19Oh, I should have done that. I should do
48:21this. Mel, how do you feel if I were to
48:23say to you, "Oh, you should
48:26so-and-so." What would you How would you
48:28respond to the word of should? How you
48:29should do that?
48:30>> done something wrong.
48:31And you might feel a bit resistant, or
48:33you might feel a bit defensive.
48:34>> you said, "Mel, you should." I was like,
48:36"Now, what did I do?" It's because we
48:38experience something called a reactance,
48:39which is this deep internal feeling of
48:42resistance. Don't tell me what to do. We
48:43want to feel like we're in control.
48:45>> Uh-huh.
48:46When we're saying should to ourselves,
48:48when we struggle with autonomy, it makes
48:49us feel terrible.
48:51Now, research also shows that the
48:52language of should cuts off divergent
48:54thinking. We don't think as clearly. We
48:56don't think of solutions. We don't think
48:57of options. There is one swap.
49:00Move from should
49:01to could.
49:03Okay, what could I do right now? Mhm.
49:05You're not committing to anything. It's
49:06really low stakes. And again, I
49:08encourage people to grab a sheet of
49:09paper, divide it into two.
49:12On the left, you write down your could
49:13list, all the things that you could do
49:16in the moment.
49:17Then, you move into your I will list.
49:20Pick one, two, or three things that
49:22you've identified, and actually do them.
49:25Actually take the step. This is how you
49:27increase your autonomy. You bring your
49:30locus of control back inwards, and it's
49:32so incredibly simple, and it gets you
49:34out of the complaining spiral, because
49:35sometimes all you need in that moment is
49:37to feel powerful, and to do something. I
49:40love that. You can catch yourself by
49:42saying, "Oh, there I go saying I should
49:44have done this, making myself wrong,
49:46increasing self-doubt." Reframe it to I
49:48could, and then identify something that
49:51you will do. I love that because it's so
49:54simple. So simple. So simple. What if
49:57you're somebody that blames? The world
49:59isn't fair, my boss is a jerk, it's my
50:02ex that's ruining my life, and you may
50:05have a lot of things going on, but talk
50:06to us about blame and self-doubt. Blame
50:09is
50:10attributing responsibility to everybody
50:12else.
50:13And we hear a lot of always and never
50:16from people who are blaming. You always
50:18do that. This never works out for me.
50:19It's always them. It's never that. This
50:21is something I struggle with. I have
50:23very like black and white language, and
50:26it's something that I'm working on a lot
50:28because I tend to be like very precise.
50:30Like it's always, or it's never, or it's
50:32this. Not with people, but a lot when
50:36things are happening with work or with
50:37myself. And so this is an area where I
50:40will admit
50:41uh it's not blaming other people. It's
50:44in the way that I talk probably has a
50:46lot of weight and blame to it.
50:48>> Ooh. So what's actually really
50:49interesting, and I was going to say this
50:50about you, I think that your doubt
50:52profile, from what you've shared with
50:53me,
50:54acceptance is your weak one. Mhm.
50:56Autonomy is your absolute strength. Yes.
50:59>> Sometimes what happens when autonomy is
51:00so high and people take so much
51:02responsibility for things, they actually
51:04end up personalizing things that are not
51:06theirs to take. Well, as the CEO of the
51:08company, I think everything's my
51:09responsibility. Perfect example of that.
51:11>> Yes, I do. And so you get into always
51:13and never because it's your way of
51:14holding yourself accountable, but
51:16sometimes it's not actually helpful in
51:18terms of how you feel and what you do.
51:20>> parents do this, too, that we think
51:21everything is our fault.
51:23And take it on the chin like that. So
51:25let's talk about blame and
51:28how you deal with that if you're
51:29somebody that's recognizing it in
51:31yourself, or you're thinking of somebody
51:33that's a big blamer, and you're about to
51:35send this conversation to them. So the
51:38first thing to think is, okay,
51:39let's change the language, the intensity
51:41of the language that we're using. Mhm.
51:43So instead of this always happens to me,
51:46let's bring that fact-checker back in,
51:48right? Is that factual? Does it always
51:50happen to you? Usually, the response
51:52will be
51:53well, no, it's not always. It's It's
51:55maybe some of the time, maybe often, but
51:56it's not always. Okay, what's a more
51:59realistic way of looking at that? Okay,
52:01well, instead of
52:02you always cut me off when we're
52:03speaking.
52:05You would say to yourself,
52:06I've noticed that there are times when I
52:08do get cut off when I'm speaking. Then
52:10you shift responsibility to you.
52:13How can I speak differently to this
52:14person
52:15to reduce that happening?
52:18How can I change what I'm saying or how
52:19I'm saying it or when I'm saying it to
52:21reduce the chances that they're going to
52:23be interrupting me? That's your first
52:25thing. So, you take full ownership. The
52:27second stage is, okay, have I made this
52:29person aware of something that they're
52:31doing?
52:32You could go to the person and say,
52:34look, I've noticed when we speak, you
52:35either get really excited or you're not
52:37aware of it, but you do cut me off a
52:38lot, and I would like to be part of a
52:40conversation and a relationship or a
52:42friendship where both of us feel valued
52:44in what we say. Were you aware of that?
52:47A lot of the time, people are not even
52:48aware of it cuz they're so stuck in
52:49their worlds.
52:51So, there are just a few little tools
52:52that you can use. If you're blaming, try
52:54and bring it back to you. Instead of oh,
52:57he never takes the trash out. Okay,
52:59is there something I could be doing to
53:00remind him to take the trash out or put
53:02it in a different place so he takes the
53:03trash out? Just bring it back to you
53:05again. That boosts your autonomy. So,
53:06the last of the four A's is
53:08adaptability, the ability to kind of go
53:11up and down with the curveballs of life.
53:13Why is this important for rewiring
53:15self-doubt and building self-confidence?
53:18Because adaptability is actually so much
53:20more than what we think it is, which is
53:22just adapting to life. In the context of
53:24doubt, it's adapting to the emotions
53:28that come with life. Okay. Because
53:30emotions are generally experienced when
53:32we do something and it doesn't work out.
53:34I mean, look, emotions are experienced
53:36all the time, but when it comes to
53:37self-doubt, there's something that we
53:39will have done or we'll be thinking of
53:41doing
53:42and then it doesn't work out and there's
53:43an emotion attached. The disappointment,
53:45the that feeling of I'm a failure, I'm
53:47not enough. These have emotional
53:50profiles attached to them.
53:52And so when we're deciding whether to do
53:55anything, to take the step, to say yes,
53:57to ask them out,
53:59we're going through this checklist of
54:01can I deal with the emotions of this
54:03thing if it doesn't work out? Because
54:05our brain is going through that process
54:07of all the ways that it won't work out.
54:09And if we don't believe that we can
54:11handle whatever emotion comes, we will
54:14not take the step.
54:16And that's why getting better at
54:18handling and harnessing the emotions
54:21that come
54:22makes everything in life so much easier.
54:25Well, that makes perfect sense cuz if
54:26you don't feel like you can handle the
54:29emotions of going in and asking for a
54:30raise
54:32or having the hard conversation
54:34or putting yourself in a situation where
54:36you're going to try something that makes
54:37you feel anxious or nervous,
54:39then you're not going to do it and your
54:41self-doubt is going to increase and
54:43you're going to be stuck in this gap
54:45between what you know you want or what
54:46you know deeply you're capable of, but
54:49you keep blocking your own momentum in
54:51life.
54:52And so that makes perfect sense.
54:56Is there one thing that if somebody
54:57recognizes that they are stuck in this
55:01aspect
55:02that they should do today?
55:04I'm going to share a super simple
55:06strategy here. It's called the opposite
55:07action strategy. It's so easy. When we
55:09are overcome with some kind of a
55:11negative emotion in relation to a
55:13self-doubt that we have, what usually
55:14happens to our body?
55:15We freeze. We like kind of go into like
55:18a nervous reaction. And what usually
55:21happens to shoulders or neck or posture?
55:24>> Oh, we kind of shrink and like feel like
55:26we want to hide. Honestly, yes.
55:28>> Exactly. And so what the opposite action
55:30strategy tells us is from dialectical
55:32behavior therapy. It simply says when
55:34there is no physical threat, do the
55:36opposite of what your body's telling you
55:37to do?
55:38Do the opposite of what your body's
55:40telling you to do. So, if
55:41>> So, in a situation where
55:43you feel that tension cuz you want to
55:46have the conversation, you want to do
55:48the thing, but now you're blocking your
55:50own momentum, do the opposite of what
55:52your body's telling you to do. So, what
55:53do you do? So, instead of withdrawing,
55:55you sit at the end of your seat. Engage,
55:57look at the person, bring your shoulders
55:58back. I'm going to share again another
56:00really interesting tool that comes from
56:02the world of research. It was just
56:03published recently. Mel, and everyone
56:05listening and watching, can you put your
56:07hand at the back of your neck?
56:08>> Okay.
56:08>> to feel a joint. Yes, it's like a bony
56:11thing, yeah.
56:11>> It's like a bony thing. Give it a little
56:12massage. Yes.
56:13>> want you to just tilt your head down,
56:15and you're going to feel more of that,
56:17okay? And then bring your head back
56:18>> Pointy bones is what I feel.
56:20>> great. Bring it back up.
56:20>> Now, I'm putting my head back up.
56:22>> Now, this is a great stretch. I
56:23encourage everyone to do it regularly.
56:24But this right here, that action of chin
56:26to chest and back up, that is called
56:28neck flexion. Neck flexion, okay.
56:31>> Now, we know that there's this
56:33connection between what our bodies are
56:34doing and our posture. Should I keep my
56:36hand here? Oh, you can remove your hand.
56:37So, that's neck flexion.
56:39>> Neck flexion. There's a connection
56:40between what our bodies are doing and
56:41how we're feeling.
56:43We know that if you have a big expansive
56:44posture, you tend to feel more powerful
56:46and confident. This study found that
56:48it's because of neck flexion that we
56:51feel that way. What? It is the
56:52connection between chin and chest. The
56:54distance between your chin and chest is
56:57what determines how you feel. Now, what
56:59does that mean for all of us? It means
57:00that when you're going into a
57:02high-pressure situation, when you feel
57:03the self-doubt, when you're wanting to
57:05withdraw, you don't even have to think
57:06about posture. All you have to do is
57:08elongate your chin. Think about how to
57:11expand the distance between chin to
57:12chest. That's it. Oh, I just thought of
57:15a rhyme. Lift the chin, let's begin. I
57:18love that. Perfect. That can go on a
57:20mug. See, I'll remember that. Okay, I'm
57:22feeling myself collapse, I'm getting
57:24nervous, I'm blocking my momentum. We
57:26got to lift the chin, let's jump in.
57:28Beautiful. Oh, man. Okay, I I that. Dr.
57:31Sade, what does research say about your
57:33voice and clarity and how other people
57:36perceive you based on how you speak?
57:38Okay, so research in speech
57:39communication looks at the various tones
57:41that we have.
57:42And what we've identified is there's
57:43generally two overarching ones.
57:46One of them is very much a throat voice,
57:48which happens when we're not really
57:49breathing very deeply and our voice
57:51entirely comes from our throat. It's
57:53very shallow. You see how it sounds
57:55friendly, it sounds warm, but maybe
57:57there's not a lot of credibility to it.
57:59>> Let me try that. I'm now trying to talk
58:01through my throat and it's like a
58:02different voice that you hear.
58:04>> Completely different. And that changes
58:06how you're perceived. Now, the other
58:07type of voice It feels different, too.
58:09>> It feels really different. This is what
58:10a lot of people do when they're nervous
58:11because their bodies tense up. So,
58:13they're not able to get the oxygen in to
58:15fill up their lungs and when you don't
58:17have a lot of breath because you're
58:18trying to retain it,
58:20that's when you get that higher sound.
58:22The other one
58:24is a more breathy voice where you're
58:26breathing into your diaphragm, which is
58:28much easier to do when you're not
58:30stressed and you're not feeling
58:31insecure. Mhm. And so, you've got
58:33breathy voice, which is generally higher
58:35pitched, which a lot of women
58:36unfortunately do when they're nervous or
58:38in loud spaces because they feel like
58:40they can be heard better, which is very
58:42interesting. But what we know is that
58:44this deeper diaphragmatic voice, which
58:47comes with breath, it comes with
58:49gravitas, this leads to perceptions of
58:51greater credibility. You come across as
58:54if you're more credible. You come across
58:55as if you're more confident. You come
58:57across as if you're more grounded.
59:00And so, a really simple tool for
59:01everyone or something to practice is to
59:03actually hear the difference in those
59:05voices.
59:06In one of them, just speak with a little
59:08bit of breath. Don't allow a lot to come
59:10out. It's not super breathy. Allow a lot
59:11of vocal fluctuation.
59:14And then the other one, which is going
59:15to be from the diaphragm, hear the
59:18difference. Now, if you're in an
59:19interview, if you're in a high-stakes
59:21environment,
59:22try and really breathe into We call it
59:24breathing into the stomach. You're not
59:26actually breathing into the stomach, but
59:27when you take a deep breath into your
59:28lungs, your diaphragm drops down, so you
59:31feel your belly coming out. And when you
59:33breathe through that, breathe through
59:35that voice,
59:37it does wonders for how you're
59:38perceived. How can I train myself to
59:41speak more eloquently? Oh.
59:43Well, I came prepared, Mel. Here is a
59:45pen. Okay.
59:47What you're going to do is grab this pen
59:48and put it between your teeth like this.
59:51Okay. So, for everyone watching and
59:53listening, we're basically holding the
59:54pen between our teeth a bit like a dog
59:56would hold a bone.
59:57>> Okay, great. That's exactly what it
59:58looks like. So, Dr. Shaday has put it in
1:00:00between her teeth like a bone, and you
1:00:02know, her stuck. Here we go.
1:00:04Okay. Now, with with the pen in your
1:00:06mouth, so everyone, make sure you clean
1:00:08your pen before you do this. I highly
1:00:09encourage that. You're going to grab a
1:00:11book. Okay.
1:00:12>> And you're going to read any sentence or
1:00:14paragraph from that book.
1:00:16And you want to pay attention to
1:00:17pronouncing every single sound clearly.
1:00:21Mel, would you like to do us the honors?
1:00:24I would. Great. Okay.
1:00:27I am reading from page Oh, this is
1:00:30really hard.
1:00:31>> It's really hard.
1:00:32>> I'm reading from page 219 of your book,
1:00:36Big Trust.
1:00:38Yes, you can do the hard thing.
1:00:43Of all factors that have been studied to
1:00:46understand motivation,
1:00:48the most potent one is simply feeling
1:00:51like you're making progress.
1:00:54Like that sank in.
1:00:57Beautifully done.
1:00:59Now, you can take the pen out, you can
1:01:01wipe it. Can you try reading just
1:01:03another paragraph right now?
1:01:05I'm going to read from page 219 of Big
1:01:09Trust. Yes, you can
1:01:12do the hard thing.
1:01:14Of all factors that have been studied to
1:01:16understand motivation, the most potent
1:01:19one is simply feeling like you're making
1:01:22progress. Now Mel, tell us how it felt
1:01:25once you took the pen out. Well, how it
1:01:28felt when the pen was in
1:01:29>> Let's start there. was like being at the
1:01:30dentist when they're trying to take
1:01:32x-rays and your tongue is in the way and
1:01:35you're trying to move everything around
1:01:37and it feels very awkward and saliva is
1:01:39falling around and your mouth is not
1:01:41making the shapes that you want.
1:01:43But as soon as I took it out, it was as
1:01:45if I had a mouth that had been warmed up
1:01:48and stretched out and the words just
1:01:52felt more intentional. And this is
1:01:54exactly what this exercise does. So
1:01:57you're warming up your entire facial
1:01:59muscles. You're warming up your throat
1:02:01and your tongue and stretching what
1:02:03otherwise doesn't get stretched very
1:02:05often and that's what leads us to
1:02:06mumble. That's what leads us to be
1:02:08difficult to understand. Communication
1:02:10really comes down to how well your
1:02:12message is received by the other person
1:02:14and that can influence how confident
1:02:16you're perceived to be, how credible
1:02:17you're perceived to be, how people
1:02:18respond to you. When we're nervous,
1:02:21everything tenses and so we tend to
1:02:23mumble.
1:02:24So if you're somebody who mumbles or you
1:02:26have somebody in your life who is you
1:02:29know kind of going like mumble mumble
1:02:31does this pen trick and practicing it,
1:02:34is this something that you can do for
1:02:36free at home that will help you speak
1:02:38more clearly and eloquently and that
1:02:40will change the way people perceive you?
1:02:42Absolutely yes and I encourage you to do
1:02:44it often. Do it in the morning, do it at
1:02:46night, do it before every meeting,
1:02:47before every phone call because that's
1:02:50how you're training yourself to be able
1:02:52to pronounce far better, to enunciate
1:02:54better which is going to improve how
1:02:56you're perceived. I love this simple pen
1:02:58trick. Holy cow, I hope you share this
1:03:00with everybody. It's so cool and I've
1:03:03just started working with a voice
1:03:04trainer and I'm going to tell you there
1:03:06were so many things about this I didn't
1:03:07understand but what you just showed
1:03:11and what I felt in terms of the
1:03:12difference is like having a professional
1:03:15voice coach and it's so important to
1:03:18take this seriously so that people take
1:03:21you seriously when you have something to
1:03:23say. Um Dr. Shade, can you explain to me
1:03:27and to the person that's here listening
1:03:29or watching
1:03:31what's
1:03:32courage versus humanness scale? What is
1:03:35that? So, this is a scale that we will
1:03:37share with leaders and teams that we
1:03:38work with at the Fortune 100 companies
1:03:40that we're so blessed to support.
1:03:43Basically, when we look at teams,
1:03:45especially high-performing teams, we
1:03:46find that there are two general
1:03:48qualities that come up.
1:03:49The first one is the humanness
1:03:52qualities. What do you think some of
1:03:53these are?
1:03:55Warmth. Yes. Um care. Yeah. Positivity.
1:03:59Um
1:04:01uh confidence, humor. Exactly. All of
1:04:04them. Uh collaboration.
1:04:06>> Empathy. Empathy.
1:04:07>> Compassion. Yes. All of these qualities
1:04:09that make us human and allow us to come
1:04:11to work in a place that we enjoy. Yes.
1:04:13Then we also have the performance-based
1:04:16qualities. We call them courage-based
1:04:18skills. What are some of these? What
1:04:20would a team need in order to make sure
1:04:22they're actually performing?
1:04:23>> Leadership. Uh decision-making.
1:04:25Uh
1:04:26uh clarity.
1:04:28Uh
1:04:29feedback.
1:04:31Uh
1:04:32very like definition of goals, process.
1:04:36Uh am I getting it? Absolutely.
1:04:37>> you. So, expectations, ROI. Here we go.
1:04:41KPI.
1:04:43>> And when we look at the research, this
1:04:45is looking at a scale it's called the
1:04:47trust versus assertiveness scale. Some
1:04:49of them call it the compassion versus
1:04:51performance scale. We call it humanness
1:04:53and courage cuz it's just it's easy to
1:04:54understand. Now, if we were to map these
1:04:56out, so I have a little visual and I
1:04:58will
1:04:58>> pulling up a whiteboard as you're
1:04:59listening.
1:05:00>> Don't worry, I am going to explain this.
1:05:02So, we've got she's got on this, we
1:05:04can't see it yet, but for you listening,
1:05:06imagine four square, the game that we
1:05:08played in elementary school. You're on
1:05:10the playground, there's four squares.
1:05:12We're standing in the squares. She's got
1:05:13four squares. On one side it says human
1:05:16on the other side it says courage and
1:05:18we're about to find out what are in
1:05:19these four squares. So where we have
1:05:21teams or individuals, let's look at it
1:05:23from an individual level first. Someone
1:05:25who is very low and now let's start with
1:05:27high. Someone who's very high on
1:05:28humaneness.
1:05:29>> Yes. So a lot of that warmth and the
1:05:30empathy and the compassion. But very low
1:05:33on courage. Okay. What we get is the
1:05:36classic people pleaser.
1:05:38It's the person who wants everyone to
1:05:39like them and validate them and so they
1:05:41don't say what they mean in the meeting
1:05:42and they sit on their hands and
1:05:44everyone's happy with them.
1:05:47What about someone who is really high on
1:05:49courage but very low on humaneness. I
1:05:52think everyone who has worked especially
1:05:53in corporate will know someone like this
1:05:55and unfortunately a lot of these people
1:05:57are in positions of leadership. Yes.
1:05:59>> not great.
1:05:59>> They're steamroller. Steamroller,
1:06:01they're cold, they're calculated. You
1:06:03don't like working with them and they
1:06:04make you feel insecure. We call this the
1:06:06agitator. Oh god, some days I'm like
1:06:08that. I'm just [laughter] going to admit
1:06:09it. Usually it's cuz I haven't eaten or
1:06:11I'm getting over an illness or something
1:06:13disappointing happened and I don't mean
1:06:15to do this but some days I am. I find
1:06:17that if you find yourself in this state,
1:06:18do your checklist. Have I had a nap?
1:06:21Have I had a snack?
1:06:22>> [laughter]
1:06:22>> Have I done my exercise? Am I doing my
1:06:24breathing? Sometimes that's all you
1:06:25need.
1:06:26>> By the way, this works in a marriage and
1:06:27in a family and in every relationship.
1:06:30>> and this is what happens when
1:06:32we don't have the balance of these two
1:06:34qualities that we need to be functioning
1:06:35people, team leaders, team members, in a
1:06:38relationship, as a as a parent. What
1:06:40about someone who's really low on
1:06:41humaneness and low on courage?
1:06:44I I mean, are they even do they even
1:06:46have a pulse? I mean, what's happening?
1:06:48This is where we get apathy and
1:06:49toxicity. So so if you're dealing with
1:06:52somebody
1:06:53who has behaviors
1:06:56that you know, people are throwing
1:06:57around the label toxic person. I don't
1:06:59like that cuz I like I prefer to say
1:07:02just label the behavior. A person may
1:07:04not be aware that they're this way. But
1:07:06if you're if you're with somebody who is
1:07:10reading
1:07:12on the toxic side in terms of their
1:07:14behavior at work or in friendship, what
1:07:16does that tell you about what they're
1:07:18dealing with based on humanness and
1:07:20courage? They have a lot of fear? They
1:07:22might have a lot of fear. They might
1:07:24also lack the agency to believe in their
1:07:27competence.
1:07:28Or and this is something really
1:07:30important in the context of careers,
1:07:32there's something called career
1:07:33imprinting.
1:07:35Where the first few experiences we have
1:07:37in our career end up shaping our sense
1:07:40of identity when it comes to our career.
1:07:42That makes sense. So if you're starting
1:07:44out in the workforce and you have a
1:07:47really unsupportive environment, you
1:07:48have a micromanaging boss, you have team
1:07:50members who are not giving you the time
1:07:52of day that you need, you start to
1:07:54internalize that I'm not worthy,
1:07:56I'm not good enough,
1:07:58and it's always going to be like this
1:08:00because it becomes what's called a
1:08:01schema, which is like a template in our
1:08:02mind. Yeah. And then we go to a new
1:08:04company, a new team,
1:08:06and everything might be amazing, yet we
1:08:08expect
1:08:10that we're going to be overlooked and
1:08:12talked over like we were before, and
1:08:14then we unintentionally create that in
1:08:16the new environment. Wow. That's why
1:08:18it's so important when we start thinking
1:08:19about
1:08:20career imprinting, when we think about
1:08:22that idea of us and our self-image and
1:08:23the experiences that we have. Well, you
1:08:25just taught me something about myself. I
1:08:26think one of the reasons why, other than
1:08:28just personal values, I have such a
1:08:30innate sense of justice and fairness and
1:08:34injustice is because my first real big
1:08:37job out of college and law school was as
1:08:40a public defender, representing people
1:08:43in the justice system who could not
1:08:44afford a lawyer and who had experienced
1:08:47systematic discrimination their entire
1:08:50life. Wow.
1:08:51>> And so it is like imprinted in my soul
1:08:54to both respond to moments that feel
1:08:57very unjust and also to get the dukes up
1:09:00and fight when I have this sense that,
1:09:04you know, fairness is very important
1:09:06here. So, that explains a lot.
1:09:08>> Mhm. So, you've had that career
1:09:09imprinting take place.
1:09:11>> And it's continually reinforcing itself.
1:09:12>> Absolutely. And what happens when you
1:09:14have high human-ness and high courage?
1:09:17So, this is what we call the partner.
1:09:19Okay. And we we call it the partner cuz
1:09:21we're usually sharing this in the
1:09:22context of leadership, but this is
1:09:23someone who feels like they are a
1:09:25partner with every single person in that
1:09:27team. Mhm. When What do they say? When
1:09:30the tide rises, all ships rise. And it's
1:09:32someone who recognizes that by them
1:09:34succeeding, other people can succeed.
1:09:36And by them helping other people
1:09:37succeed, they succeed. It means that
1:09:39they are able to be appreciative of
1:09:42others and collaborative and cooperative
1:09:44while still giving the feedback that
1:09:46needs to be said. While still addressing
1:09:48behaviors that need to be addressed. So,
1:09:50why this model is really valuable for
1:09:52anyone who is working in a company or
1:09:53working in a team or in relationships is
1:09:55just to recognize that if you struggle
1:09:57with any of the four elements of big
1:10:00trust that undermine your confidence and
1:10:03courage and self-trust and you have that
1:10:05self-doubt, it means that you're going
1:10:06to live in one of these spaces. The
1:10:08people pleaser.
1:10:10Being apathetic.
1:10:11Where you can see if you're apathetic or
1:10:13toxic, you're a blamer. If you're a
1:10:14people pleaser, you're overthinking or
1:10:17you are comparing yourself. Or
1:10:20>> validation.
1:10:21>> If you're the agitator, you're running
1:10:23people over and you're blaming lots of
1:10:26things and you're taking control but in
1:10:27the wrong ways and complaining. And if
1:10:30you're the partner, you're just reaching
1:10:32for the tools. You're adapting. You are
1:10:35like telling yourself you're capable of
1:10:36figuring it out or we're capable of
1:10:38figuring it. I see how this all tracks
1:10:40directly to what you've been teaching
1:10:41us. It's brilliant. Wonderful. So,
1:10:43that's that. That's the the matrix that
1:10:45we like to share. And so, it's great to
1:10:46just see how this matrix maps back into
1:10:48big trust. You know, it's not just an
1:10:50impact that we get for ourselves. It's
1:10:51an impact that we are taking into our
1:10:53lives because we don't live in a
1:10:54microcosm. We're we're interacting with
1:10:56other people. Yes. Dr. Shetagh.
1:11:00If the person listening
1:11:02takes just one
1:11:04action out of everything you've taught
1:11:05us today about the research around
1:11:08breaking self-doubt, rebuilding trust,
1:11:11what's the most important thing for the
1:11:13person listening to do?
1:11:14This is something that you encourage
1:11:16people to do, Mel, which is pick one
1:11:18thing that you have been hesitating from
1:11:20doing. One thing that you've been
1:11:21holding back on because self-doubt is
1:11:23getting in your way. Break it down into
1:11:25the smallest possible step and just do
1:11:29the thing.
1:11:30Can I share a very quick story here?
1:11:32>> Please.
1:11:34So, this is a story about Elizabeth
1:11:35Gilbert who wrote Eat, Pray, Love,
1:11:37which became a movie and a global
1:11:38bestseller. Now, when she was writing
1:11:40it, it's her memoir. You'd think a
1:11:42memoir would be kind of easy to write.
1:11:43It's your story. But, she said that she
1:11:46couldn't get words on paper because she
1:11:48had this mantra of this sucks running
1:11:50through her head constantly. Nothing was
1:11:53ever good enough. She would write, she
1:11:54would rip it up. She would write, she
1:11:55would delete.
1:11:57And then, amidst all of that uncertainty
1:11:59and the self-criticism, she had this
1:12:00moment of clarity and she thought, "Hold
1:12:02on. I never promised the universe that I
1:12:04would write brilliantly. I just promised
1:12:07the universe that I would write. I would
1:12:09write something."
1:12:11And so, with that, she made write the
1:12:13goal and not write brilliantly the goal.
1:12:17And so, the message behind this is
1:12:18sometimes we need to lower our
1:12:20standards.
1:12:22We need to lower our standards. Don't
1:12:23aim for perfection. Just aim for good
1:12:25enough for now. You can always improve
1:12:27later. So, don't aim for going viral on
1:12:30social media. Aim for hitting post.
1:12:34Don't aim for building a billion-dollar
1:12:35business. Aim for setting up a website
1:12:39or getting one paying customer. Don't
1:12:41aim to find your soulmate. Just aim to
1:12:44ask them out for a coffee.
1:12:46When you lower the standard, you make it
1:12:47so much more achievable. And when you
1:12:49achieve it, then you see yourself being
1:12:51the kind of person who achieves these
1:12:53things, which fundamentally changes your
1:12:55self-image, changes how you see yourself
1:12:57and what is possible for you, and then
1:12:59that starts to change the rest of your
1:13:01life. I love that. Dr. Shade, what are
1:13:04your parting words?
1:13:06Show up for the life that you want now.
1:13:09Don't wait for it. Don't wait for
1:13:10permission. Don't wait till you feel
1:13:12ready. Don't wait till you feel worthy.
1:13:14If you show up for the person that you
1:13:16want to be now,
1:13:18there's this beautiful phenomena called
1:13:20embodied cognition.
1:13:22And when you show up for it, the world
1:13:24starts responding to you as if you
1:13:25already have it.
1:13:26You see yourself speaking in the
1:13:28meeting, going after what you want,
1:13:30creating your own momentum, and that is
1:13:33how you fundamentally shape your
1:13:34self-image, which shapes your identity,
1:13:37which shapes who you're becoming. So,
1:13:39don't wait. Just show up today, and it
1:13:43is remarkable what you will be able to
1:13:45achieve.
1:13:46Dr. Shade,
1:13:47I just want to say on behalf of the
1:13:49person listening and everyone that they
1:13:51will share this with, thank you.
1:13:53Because it's one thing to say that, it's
1:13:55a whole different ball game when you
1:13:57show up with frameworks and tools and
1:14:00very specific things that you can do in
1:14:04order to understand the nature of how
1:14:06self-doubt is blocking you, and exactly
1:14:09what is within your reach to push
1:14:12through it and continue moving toward
1:14:16the goals that you have, building the
1:14:18confidence that you know is within you,
1:14:20and seeing yourself doing the things
1:14:23that you had otherwise held your back
1:14:25yourself back from experiencing. Thank
1:14:27you so much for having me, and for
1:14:29everyone watching and listening, thank
1:14:31you for being here. Thank you for
1:14:32investing in yourself, and I'm excited
1:14:35to see where you end up when you apply
1:14:36some of what you've learned today. I am
1:14:38so excited, too. I'm so excited that you
1:14:40decided to spend time listening to this
1:14:43or watching this. Today you got tools,
1:14:45you got frameworks, you got the research
1:14:47broken down in the simplest ways so you
1:14:49can start applying it today. I cannot
1:14:51wait to see how this changes your life.
1:14:54So, make sure you tell me what happens.
1:14:56And one more thing, in case no one else
1:14:58tells you today, as your friend, I
1:15:00wanted to be sure to tell you that I
1:15:01love you and I believe in you. And I
1:15:03believe in your ability to create a
1:15:04better life. There is zero doubt in my
1:15:06mind that when you use the tools to
1:15:09rewire self-doubt, those moments that
1:15:11are going to keep coming, and you double
1:15:13down on your capacity and the things
1:15:15that are in your control and
1:15:17the talents that you have inside you to
1:15:20push through what's happening and learn
1:15:22and grow, your life is going to get
1:15:23better. I mean, how could it not?
1:15:25Alrighty, I will see you in the very
1:15:27next episode. I'm going to welcome you
1:15:28in the moment you hit play.
1:15:30And thank you. Thank you for watching
1:15:32all the way to the end. I'm so excited
1:15:34that you're investing your time in
1:15:36learning how to create unshakable
1:15:38confidence. And I also want to thank you
1:15:40for sharing the link to this episode
1:15:42with people in your life that you care
1:15:44about. Whether it's [music] your sister
1:15:45or your partner, somebody in your life
1:15:47that keeps shrinking and blocking their
1:15:49own way. One way to be a great friend
1:15:51[music] or a sibling or a great partner
1:15:53is to share these resources with people.
1:15:56And so, I just really appreciate you
1:15:58doing that. And one [music] more thing.
1:16:00My team was just showing me that 57% of
1:16:02you who watch the Mel Robbins podcast
1:16:04here on YouTube are not subscribers. My
1:16:06goal is to get that number to 50%. So,
1:16:08could you do me a favor? If the
1:16:10subscribe button is lit up, would you
1:16:11just hit it? It's free and it's the best
1:16:14way for you [music] to say, "Thanks,
1:16:15Mel." And thanks to the team here at the
1:16:17Mel Robbins podcast. And thanks to Dr.
1:16:19ShaDay who flew halfway around the world
1:16:22to be [music] here in Boston to teach
1:16:24you this. I really appreciate you doing
1:16:26that and I know that you would
1:16:27appreciate me recommending the next
1:16:29video. This, you're going to love, and
1:16:32I'll welcome you in the moment you hit
1:16:33play.

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