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How to build your new identity (without hating yourself) — Transcript

by Sarah Ritondale | wellish podcast · 4,022 words · 573 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00You don't need to become someone else to
0:02change your life. You just need to be
0:03more intentional about who you already
0:06are. You are good enough right now,
0:08exactly as you are. Even the thing that
0:10you're thinking in your head like, "No,
0:12actually I hate that about me and I want
0:14it to go away." That just means that
0:15you're not done growing and you're
0:17allowed to be good enough now and grow
0:20and those two things can exist at the
0:22same exact time. We have spent the
0:24entire month of March talking about
0:26identity and developing who you are and
0:28letting go of the version of you that
0:30you don't want to be anymore. And so, to
0:32wrap us up at the end of the month here,
0:34I really want to give you guys the
0:36formula on how to build your new
0:38identity.
0:41>> [music]
0:49[music]
0:53>> Let's get it out of the way now. You're
0:54not transforming into somebody new
0:56overnight and deleting the old version
0:58of you. This isn't you creating an
1:00identity out of thin air. It's refining
1:03and editing and choosing intentionally
1:05who you want to be and doing that from a
1:08place of self-love, not
1:09self-deprecation. If anything in this
1:11episode resonates with you, I would
1:12really appreciate if you rated and
1:14reviewed the show. It really does help
1:16support the show and get episodes out to
1:19more like-minded individuals like you
1:21and I who need to live a little bit more
1:22wellishly. And if you're not already and
1:25you are a person who loves
1:26self-improvement but hates the pressure
1:29of being perfect all the time, you're
1:30going to want to subscribe so you don't
1:32miss an episode. So much of the time
1:33people feel that they need a complete
1:37reinvention. That in order to transform
1:40into this new identity and becoming the
1:42per-
1:44and become the version of yourself that
1:45you're picturing inside of your head,
1:47that dream version of you, that you need
1:50to become unrecognizable. We hear that
1:52constantly. Be unrecognizable. Be this
1:54new, wonderful, incredible version of
1:57yourself that's completely different
1:59than who you are before. But the problem
2:01with that is that it creates a lens of
2:05on yourself, for lack of a
2:07better word. And it creates this trap of
2:09thinking that you need to fix yourself
2:11first or that you won't be good enough
2:14until. And that is not going to get you
2:16where you want to go. Why? Why wouldn't
2:19that work? If I was just disciplined
2:20enough and I worked hard enough and I
2:22took on these new I things this new
2:25persona, the these new habits, why would
2:27I not become the person that I'm
2:29picturing inside of my head? Because I
2:30know I'm capable of doing all of the
2:32things that are on my checklist to get
2:33it 100% right and then become that
2:35person. So, why would I not become them?
2:37Why would I not become unrecognizable?
2:39Because you're not allowing yourself to
2:41enjoy your life. You are not giving
2:44yourself the opportunity to sit and
2:47experience life from a place of ease and
2:50relaxation and peacefulness. That you
2:53have so much rigidity and
2:55self-deprecation and anger and concern
3:00around making sure that you get
3:02everything right, you get the things
3:05that you want to get done done in a
3:08very strategic, can't screw it up,
3:11perfectionist sort of mentality that
3:14you're not allowing yourself to
3:16experience and enjoy your life. All of
3:18that structure and discipline is
3:20necessary. It's talked about because it
3:22is necessary that you have to do things
3:25based on your plan, not your mood that
3:29you're feeling. You can't give in to the
3:31instant gratification of just laying on
3:33your couch instead of getting up and
3:34doing the thing that you said that you
3:35were going to do that benefits your
3:37long-term goal of becoming the dream
3:39version of you. You have to do the
3:42things that they're talking about.
3:44However, it's the approach that you
3:47apply to doing those things. That you're
3:49disciplined with relaxation at the
3:51forefront of your mind because the point
3:54is not to add new things into your life
3:57to become somebody new and
4:00behave based on a certain scripted
4:03persona of how that new person would
4:06respond to their life or show up in
4:07their life, but instead that you're
4:09being intentional about the person you
4:12already are. That you are the type of
4:14person that wants to incorporate this
4:16new identity, this new behavior, this
4:18new
4:20way of looking at the world that you are
4:23going to intentionally make sure that
4:26you're doing that instead of being like,
4:28"Oh, I I got to do the things or I
4:30didn't do that that I said I was going
4:31to do and I'm beating myself up for it."
4:33I really want to make it clear that you
4:35don't need confidence to change. You
4:39don't have to become that dream version
4:42first. Like you're not ever going to
4:44cross a threshold that you feel like,
4:46"Wow, I'm this confident dream version
4:48of me now." It's just not how it works.
4:50It's not going to happen. What you need
4:52is clarity. You need to get really clear
4:54about where you want to go and who you
4:56want to become. And you're not doing
4:58that through making a list of goals that
5:01you want to achieve, but instead
5:03defining your identity. So saying
5:06something like I'm someone who
5:08prioritizes taking care of my body
5:10compared to I want to work out more.
5:12There are four identity categories that
5:15you need to consider when you are trying
5:17to build this new identity of the person
5:19that you genuinely are in alignment with
5:21and want to transform into. Those
5:24categories are lifestyle, emotional,
5:27standards, and energy. Lifestyle is how
5:30you live your days. What habits are you
5:32incorporating? What is your day-to-day
5:34routine and life look like? Who are you
5:37spending your time with? Where are you
5:40going? How does your house look? Is it
5:42clean? Is it messy? Is it chaotic? Is it
5:45relaxed? Is it calm? What is your
5:47overall lifestyle? How are you spending
5:49your time? Emotional is how you respond
5:52to your life. How are the things in your
5:54life impacting you directly? And how are
5:57you reacting to the things that come up
6:00in life? Your standards are the things
6:02that you do and do not allow and getting
6:05clear on that. What is important to you,
6:08what you will accept in your life, and
6:10what you want to make sure you stay away
6:12from and remove from your life. And the
6:15fourth category is energy and this is
6:17how you show up in the world. How you
6:20present yourself, who you are for other
6:23people, how you make other people feel.
6:25With lifestyle, emotional, standards,
6:27energy in mind, you then can ask
6:29yourself when things show up in your
6:31life or when you're navigating your
6:33life, how would the dream version of me
6:35show up on a random Tuesday? How would
6:38the dream version of me show up on this
6:40date? How would the dream version of me
6:42show up in approaching a date? How would
6:44the dream version of me show up with my
6:46friends? How would they show up with
6:47family? How would they show up at work?
6:49Once you get specific and can define
6:52those four categories of how you want to
6:55be and who you are, then you can get
6:58intentional about how you're showing up
7:00in those areas. This is where a lot of
7:01us stop is we decide who we want to be
7:04and we pick the behaviors that would
7:07help us be that person, but then we
7:09don't follow through on the behaviors
7:11because what we've done identifying it
7:14isn't enough. What you have to do is
7:16start to build proof even in tiny ways
7:19that show that you are actually in
7:21alignment with this new identity. One
7:23core truth behind identity is that it is
7:26in fact built through evidence, not
7:29affirmations. Like you can tell yourself
7:32that you're a certain way until you're
7:33blue in the face, but unless you
7:35actually have the evidence to back that
7:38up, that is not your identity. How many
7:41do you know that try to
7:42convince you that they're a good person?
7:44It doesn't matter how much they affirm
7:46it, their actions are what prove truth.
7:49So, once you get specific about the
7:50identity you're trying to achieve, you
7:52then have to choose two to three
7:54identity proof habits to incorporate
7:57into your life. These are going to be
7:58small, easily repeatable actions that
8:02prove that the identity that you want to
8:05embody is real. If you're somebody that
8:07wants to incorporate healthy living into
8:09their day-to-day life, you have to say,
8:12"I'm somebody that prioritizes taking
8:14care of my body. I'm somebody that loves
8:17myself enough to make sure that I'm
8:20caring for myself." And then, what does
8:23a person like that do? Maybe they go for
8:25walks. Maybe they drink water. Maybe
8:27they shower daily. Maybe they go to the
8:30gym. Maybe they eat on a healthy whole
8:34food diet. It's got to be something
8:36that's easy and attainable for you even
8:39on your worst day. On my worst day, I'm
8:43the worst at drinking water, let me tell
8:45you. But on my worst day, I know if
8:47that's the one thing I could do, I can
8:50do that. Or that I could read 10 pages
8:52of a self-development book. I can I can
8:54make sure that happens. Or even if even
8:56less, I can I can listen to something
8:59about self-development that makes me
9:00feel better. If you're somebody that
9:02wants to be more confident, then set a
9:03goal to say one thing that you actually
9:06feel once a day to somebody else in
9:08life. Or maybe you set a goal to make
9:10eye contact with somebody random in
9:12life. Or you set a goal to say hello to
9:15somebody. Again, something that even on
9:17your worst day, you know that you could
9:19get done. If you want to be somebody
9:21that's more disciplined, keep one
9:23promise to yourself every single day.
9:25That will build self-trust. It'll tell
9:27you that you follow through on the
9:29things that you said that you were going
9:30to do. In the same exact way that you
9:32need to build trust with another person,
9:34you have to do those same things with
9:36yourself. And you have to do that
9:38intentionally. It's not about doing all
9:40of the things and getting everything
9:41right and having some magical
9:43Instagram-looking life. It's about being
9:45somebody that shows up, that follows
9:47through on what they say they're going
9:49to do. The biggest truth that I needed
9:51to realize is that you do not become
9:54confident and then act. You have to act
9:57first, and that's what builds
9:59confidence. Enter whatever I knew
10:02identity you want to become. You don't
10:04become a person that goes to the gym by
10:08thinking that way first and then going.
10:10You have to go, and then you become that
10:13person. And while you're building all of
10:15these new habits and integrating these
10:17new things into your life, you have to
10:19simultaneously
10:21let go of your old identity. And there's
10:24going to be a lot of things that come up
10:26that poke you and want you to show up as
10:28your old identity, and it's going to be
10:30uncomfortable
10:32to make the switch, to choose the new
10:34direction, to choose the new identity. I
10:37think this is one of the things most
10:38people get wrong, and if this is
10:39something you relate to, go listen to
10:41last week's episode about how to let go
10:43of your old identity. Because what most
10:45of us do is we think that we're behaving
10:48out of alignment with ourselves because
10:50we're uncomfortable, and we don't like
10:52it. But it's not that it's wrong for
10:55you, it's uncomfortable because it's
10:57new. And doing new things is
11:00uncomfortable. It's scary to do new
11:02things. But you will not be able to
11:05build a new identity while you're
11:06constantly confirming the old one. So,
11:09the third step in building your new
11:11identity is catching your identity
11:13loops. What do you think about yourself
11:15inside of your head most often? Do you
11:18think you're an overthinker? Do you
11:20think you're somebody that gets socially
11:21anxious? Do you consider yourself
11:23someone socially awkward? Do you think
11:25of yourself as someone who's bad at
11:27consistency, or who's lazy, or who has a
11:29hard time showing up, or has a hard time
11:32showing up long term. You have to shift
11:33that perspective from that's what I have
11:36done. I showed up that way in the past.
11:39Those were the choices I used to make,
11:40the behaviors I used to engage in. Not
11:43that that is who you are. It's things
11:45that you used to do. It's not who you
11:48are. Get in the habit of noticing when
11:50you're about to engage in a behavior
11:52that's in alignment with your old self
11:54and build [snorts] the habit of pausing
11:56and choosing differently. This is not as
12:00easy as it sounds. It's this simple, but
12:03it is not that easy to do because it is
12:06so quick when you go to engage in that
12:10old behavior. It's just so ingrained in
12:12how you show up that it takes a lot of
12:15noticing first. You're not going to
12:16implement the pause right away. And then
12:19you're not going to implement the new
12:20action right away, the new choice right
12:22away. That's not going to happen. It's
12:23going to be a process that happens over
12:25time. And the very first step that you
12:28need to do is start to build the habit
12:30of noticing when you're engaging in the
12:33old behavior. Every time I'm in a social
12:35situation and I feel myself shutting
12:37down, I have to notice that that's what
12:39I'm doing. And I noticed it for a long
12:42time before I ever was able to pause and
12:45make a different choice. But now with
12:47practice, I've been able to do that. And
12:49it still isn't every single time that
12:51I'm able to do that. I still have fear
12:53of rejection. I still have the people
12:55pleasing tendencies once in a while. I
12:57still feel like I don't want people to
13:01perceive me or I'm worried people will
13:02judge me, but I have to choose
13:04differently because I have to notice
13:07that I'm doing that for that purpose
13:09because that's my old identity creeping
13:11in and then actively make a different
13:13choice. And that different choice is
13:15going to be uncomfortable, but enough
13:18different choices over time compile and
13:20you get to start identifying with that
13:22new thing. And every time you engage in
13:25that behavior, every time you act in
13:28alignment with your new identity or you
13:30act in alignment with your old identity,
13:32you're casting a vote for whichever one
13:35you're transforming into. More votes for
13:38the new identity will get you more in
13:40alignment with that new identity that
13:41you can actually feel like that person
13:44if even if you still have casts for the
13:47old identity. As long as you have more
13:50in the new identity bucket, then you're
13:52okay and over time you'll keep getting
13:54more and more and more and more votes in
13:58that new identity bucket. Something that
14:00is really important to me to make
14:02incredibly clear when you are pursuing
14:05this new journey of becoming this new
14:08identity is that you are going to feel
14:11the gap between who you want to be, who
14:15you intellectually and logically know
14:17you are capable of being and who you are
14:20right now. Your knowledge to skill gap
14:23is going to be large. Even though you
14:26understand what it would look like to be
14:29a person that takes care of their
14:30physical health and all of the steps
14:32necessary in order to do that. Even
14:34though you understand what it would be
14:36like to be a person that can date freely
14:39and not be afraid of rejection and
14:41people's opinion and having to go
14:43through that process, that doesn't mean
14:46that your skill is there yet.
14:49Apply that to anything. Confidence,
14:51socially awkwardness, anything. You have
14:53to like anything else build the practice
14:56and work towards becoming that new
14:58identity over time. But feeling like a
15:01fraud when you're doing those things is
15:04a part of the process. It's not a sign
15:06that you're doing something wrong. This
15:07is where a lot of people quit that I was
15:09talking about earlier is that it's going
15:11to feel uncomfortable and you're going
15:12to feel like you're doing something
15:14that's out of alignment with you because
15:16you're doing something different. But it
15:18is in alignment with you because it's in
15:20in head as something that you want. You
15:22just don't have the skill to practice it
15:24yet. And everything is a skill to be
15:27intentionally practiced. But before that
15:30intentional practice takes place and you
15:31haven't engaged in this behavior at all,
15:34you feel fake. You feel like you're
15:36being performative. You feel like you're
15:37doing something that you don't want to
15:38do and that doesn't feel good. But
15:41you're not being fake. It's not that
15:43it's not in alignment with you. It's
15:44just that it's unfamiliar. It doesn't
15:46feel like you yet because it hasn't had
15:49the time to become you, to allow it to
15:51bloom into something that really could
15:53be who you are. With everything in mind
15:56and how you can step-by-step build your
15:59new identity, I really, really want you
16:01to anchor into the idea that you are
16:03good enough now exactly as you are. You
16:07are not building this new identity
16:09because there is something wrong with
16:11who you are and what you're doing and
16:13what your life looks like right now. You
16:15cannot approach new identity from a
16:18place of lack. You have to see that you
16:21love yourself enough and respect
16:23yourself enough and want more for you
16:26enough that you are allowing yourself to
16:29evolve.
16:31It's just a different perspective. It's
16:33just a different lens to look at it
16:34through and when you look at it through
16:36a lens of evolution compared to
16:38self-deprecation, you get so much
16:41farther. You genuinely feel like the new
16:44identity because you're able to enjoy
16:46your experience of developing the new
16:48identity. There is a big difference
16:50between the self-rejection and saying,
16:53"I need to fix myself. I don't like this
16:55about me. I want better. I want to do
16:57more." and you're being a dick to you
17:00and self-leadership saying that you want
17:02more for yourself. You have to build the
17:05identity from a place of self-trust and
17:07self-love. It's the only way. Truly,
17:10like speaking genuinely from experience,
17:12I tried the self-hate direction for so
17:14long and it doesn't work. It doesn't get
17:17you anywhere. You think that if you work
17:18harder and you're more intense about it
17:20that it would get you to where you want
17:21to go? Doesn't work. It is only when you
17:25actually come from a place of self-love
17:27and kindness and compassion and having
17:30your own back regardless. Like being the
17:32one person that has always been with you
17:35through everything and that truly knows
17:37absolutely everything about you and how
17:40you lived and how you perceived and what
17:42has happened to you. Having your own
17:44back. Being able to regardless of
17:46whatever's going on in life,
17:48be there for you. You have to start with
17:51a
17:52lens of self-love. So, let me give you
17:56the formula of how to build your new
17:58identity in a simple, quick, easy
18:00takeaway kind of way. Step number one is
18:03getting really specific about your new
18:05identity. Who is that person? Not your
18:07goals, who is that person? The second
18:10step is choosing proof. You have to pick
18:13two to three small, easily repeatable
18:16habits that you can incorporate in your
18:17day-to-day life. Three is interrupting
18:19old patterns. You have to be able to
18:22stop confirming that past version of you
18:25and start casting more votes in the
18:27direction of the new you than the
18:29direction of the old you. The fourth
18:31step is repeating this consistently.
18:34It's going to be multiple times a day
18:36over and over and over and over and over
18:38over a long period of time. It's going
18:41to be imperfect. You're not always going
18:42to get it right, but you have to keep
18:45repeating it consistently. And the fifth
18:47step is that you have to let it feel
18:49unfamiliar. You have to be okay that
18:52it's going to not be that fun. We think
18:54it's going to be fun because we think
18:56the dream identity that we want to be is
18:57so wonderful and magical and great that
18:58it's going to be so great once we
19:00incorporate these things. Growth is
19:02uncomfortable. Growth is not very fun.
19:05It's fun when you have the realization
19:06and you're like, "Holy looking
19:08back I did that thing."
19:09But But not fun in the process. It's not
19:11comfortable and you have to be okay with
19:13that, and you have to expect that and
19:15know that and normalize that. But, that
19:17said, that doesn't mean that you should
19:19be fighting tooth and nail in order to
19:20enjoy your life. You need to be able to
19:23do this from a relaxed, enjoyable,
19:25peaceful place
19:27with the full knowledge that
19:28incorporating new things and new
19:30identity into your life will be
19:31uncomfortable. You do not need to earn
19:34the right to become the version of you
19:36that you're picturing in your head. You
19:38don't have to work hard enough in order
19:40to be that person. You don't have to
19:41prove it to anybody in order to be that
19:43person. You just can choose to become
19:46the version of you that's in your head.
19:48You are worthy of becoming the version
19:50of you that's in your head. That's not
19:52cringe. It's not something that you
19:55don't deserve. It's not something that
19:57anybody can take away from you. You have
19:59the power to genuinely become that
20:01person if you have the bravery to do
20:05that. You are already good enough right
20:07now as you are. You are just making the
20:09decision to be more intentional. Your
20:12identity is not something that is just
20:14going to happen.
20:15>> [snorts]
20:15>> It's not going to be this transformation
20:18that you become unrecognizable, that you
20:20one day cross a threshold and say, "Holy
20:23I made it. I'm here now. I did the
20:25thing. I became the person." That's not
20:28how it works. It's something that you
20:29have to choose and then choose again and
20:32choose again and choose again and choose
20:34again. And over time, you finally get to
20:37feel like the identity because you just
20:40naturally show up as that person. Let me
20:42get it into your head that
20:44self-improvement is not about becoming
20:47better. It's not about fixing who you
20:49are now. It's about using the tools that
20:52you are given through podcasts, through
20:55YouTube, through books, through life
20:58that will allow you to live more aligned
21:00with your genuine true self. That's it
21:02for today's episode. I have an
21:03incredible interview lined up for you
21:05guys this Wednesday to kick off April's
21:08new theme of lifestyle and routines. I
21:11think it's really important to
21:13incorporate lifestyle and routines that
21:15help us live more wellishly compared to
21:18more rigidly well and how we can do
21:21that. And one of the biggest things that
21:23impacts how we show up in our lifestyle
21:25and routines is the relationships that
21:28we have. So, this episode is going to be
21:31all about how our relationships can
21:33better support our lifestyle and our
21:35routines. It's not one you're going to
21:37want to miss. I love you guys endlessly.
21:39I know you are so capable of becoming
21:41anybody that you want to be and I will
21:43talk to you very soon. Bye.

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