YT YouTube2Text

YouTube2Text → Transcripts → how to build an identity so strong, it scares people

how to build an identity so strong, it scares people — Transcript

by Daniel Barada · 6,868 words · 1,095 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

Open in transcriber Summarize with AI Download SRT/VTT

Full transcript

0:00All right. Hello and welcome to this
0:03training. As you can see from the title,
0:04what we're going to be talking about
0:06today is identity integrity. And as you
0:08can see from the overview, what we're
0:10going to be talking about more
0:11specifically is first the overview
0:13itself. Identity coherence, behavioral
0:16proof, standards and selfrust, identity
0:19under pressure, the review, and your
0:21action items for the day or the next few
0:23days. Now, before we get started, if you
0:24want to work with me oneon-one, make
0:26sure to book a call from the link in the
0:28description. If you want this training
0:30along with its respective document, make
0:32sure to join the free community again
0:34from the link in the description. And if
0:35you want weekly newsletters helping you
0:37improve every aspect of your life, make
0:39sure to join the free newsletter again
0:41from the link in the description. With
0:43that said, let's get started and talk
0:45about identity coherence. So before we
0:49talk about how to actually make your
0:51identity stronger, I want to separate
0:53two things that sound similar because I
0:55think this is where a lot of identity
0:56work gets confused. So you can create a
0:59new identity very quickly, right? You
1:01can decide that you're becoming more
1:02disciplined, ambitious, confident,
1:04healthy, focused, patient, whatever it
1:06is. You can write it down tonight and
1:08start acting differently tomorrow.
1:10However, that doesn't automatically give
1:12you a strong identity. A strong identity
1:15takes longer because your mind needs
1:17enough clarity, consistency, and real
1:19experience to trust that this
1:21description of you actually means
1:22something. And so you can see this when
1:24you feel completely certain about
1:26yourself for a few days and then one bad
1:29result changes your whole opinion of
1:31yourself. You felt strong because the
1:34identity felt intense. You had
1:36motivation, emotion and conviction
1:38behind it. But then reality changed and
1:40the conviction disappeared with it. And
1:42so intensity tells you how strongly you
1:45feel something right now. But it doesn't
1:46really tell you how stable that identity
1:48will remain across different situations.
1:51So I would define a strong identity in a
1:53more useful way. You know who you are.
1:56You can explain what that means in
1:58behavior. Your life repeatedly gives you
2:00evidence for that understanding. And
2:03normal changes in your mood or
2:04circumstances don't cause you to
2:06completely reinterpret yourself. And you
2:09can still learn and change your mind.
2:11You just don't recreate your entire
2:12self-concept every time something goes
2:15wrong. And if you want one simple model
2:18uh to keep in your head throughout this
2:20training, think in four parts. You need
2:23clarity about who you are. You need
2:25evidence from how you actually behave.
2:28You need standards that make the
2:29identity practically meaningful. And you
2:32need delusional stability when life
2:34gives you information you don't like. So
2:36clarity, evidence, standards, and
2:38delusional stability. Now, you could
2:40have enormous clarity with no evidence
2:42and end up fantasizing about yourself.
2:44You can have evidence with no clear
2:46identity and fail to integrate what
2:49you've accomplished. You can have
2:51standards with no stability and abandon
2:53them after very small setbacks. You can
2:56have stability with a willingness to
2:57update and become rigid and you need the
3:01whole structure. So there's actually a
3:03useful term for the first part in the of
3:06this in psychology called self-concept
3:09clarity. And Jennifer Campbell and her
3:12colleagues use the term for the degree
3:14to which people hold their beliefs about
3:16themselves clearly and confidently with
3:19internal consistency and stability over
3:21time. And that's important because
3:23notice what they're actually measuring,
3:25right? They're not asking whether you
3:26think highly of yourself, but rather
3:29whether you actually know what you think
3:30about yourself and whether that
3:32understanding stays reasonably coherent.
3:35And so you need to get specific. You
3:37need to decide what kind of person
3:38you're trying to become and what that
3:40means in observable terms. So if you
3:43call yourself disciplined, you need to
3:44define what disciplined people actually
3:46do. So you need to get clear on your
3:48terms. If you call yourself honest, you
3:50need to define the situation uh or
3:52situations where honesty is important.
3:55If you call yourself ambitious, then you
3:57need to define the behavior that makes
3:58the word true. And so vague language
4:00lets you preserve any self-image you
4:02want without actually testing it. You
4:05can call yourself hardworking while
4:06consistently avoiding the hardest work.
4:08Right? You can call yourself confident
4:11while arranging your entire life to
4:13actually avoid rejection. The clearer
4:15your definition becomes, the easier it
4:17becomes to compare your self-
4:18description with what you actually do.
4:21And you also need to look for
4:23contradictions inside the identity
4:25itself. For example, you might think of
4:28yourself as independent while constantly
4:30needing reassurance. Or you say you
4:33value freedom while building a life
4:35around commitments that you actually
4:37hate or resent. So you don't need
4:39perfect consistency because human beings
4:41are complicated. But if you completely
4:44contradict yourself repeatedly, that
4:46creates a lot of confusion about who you
4:48actually believe you are. So write down
4:51the five to 10 qualities you want your
4:53identity to contain and then ask what
4:55each quality requires from you. And
4:57after that just look at where two of
4:59those qualities conflict. So you need to
5:01decide how you want to handle those
5:03conflicts before random circumstances
5:06make the decision for you. And this is
5:08where we can go a little deeper because
5:10you don't really experience yourself as
5:11a random list of traits, right? You
5:13connect your values, your memories, your
5:15choices, your goals, your relationships,
5:17your habits and beliefs into some kind
5:19of an understandable hole. And William
5:22James was writing about the breadth of
5:24the self all the way back in 1890 when
5:27he argued that what we experience as
5:29self extends beyond private thoughts
5:31into the things, relationships,
5:33reputation, and work we experience as
5:35ours. So your identity therefore gets
5:37stronger when more parts of your life
5:39tell the same story. So start looking
5:42for alignment across areas that people
5:44normally separate. So your calendar says
5:47something about you. Your spending says
5:49something about you. Your body says
5:51something about you. The work you
5:52repeatedly produce or do says something
5:55about you. Your friendships, your
5:56environment, your speech, and the way
5:58you respond when something becomes
6:00inconvenient all contribute information.
6:03And so you need enough agreement between
6:05them that your identity stops depending
6:07entirely on what you tell yourself. And
6:09this is why I like the word integrity
6:11here. I mean integrity in the older
6:14sense of wholeness and consistency. Your
6:17words and actions start agreeing more
6:19often. Your private standards and public
6:22behavior start agreeing more often. The
6:24person you describe and the person
6:26somebody could infer from just watching
6:28your life start getting closer together.
6:31And that agreement gives the identity
6:33substance. You also need to integrate
6:35the parts of yourself that don't fit the
6:37ideal version perfectly. A strong
6:39identity can include the fact that you
6:41procrastinate sometimes, right? Or that
6:43you become insecure or that you make bad
6:45decisions or that you lose motivation or
6:48act below your standards. So you don't
6:50need to pretend those things never
6:51happen. They do and they will happen
6:53after all. So you need an interpretation
6:55of them that preserves accuracy without
6:58turning every weakness into your entire
7:00identity. And this is very important,
7:02right? The failures we have only become
7:06descriptive of our identities or our
7:09characters if we let them. And so you
7:12need to say things accurately and
7:13objectively. If you miss several
7:15workouts, all it tells you is that you
7:19miss several workouts. All it tells you
7:21is something about your recent behavior.
7:23It doesn't automatically tell you that
7:25you're fundamentally incapable of
7:27discipline. So you don't need to turn
7:29one local fact into a global conclusion
7:32about your character. Right? Now there's
7:34also one more piece here because clarity
7:36can become dangerous if you confuse
7:38consistency with never changing your
7:40mind. That's not what I mean. A strong
7:42identity should actually make revision
7:44easier because you don't need every old
7:46belief to survive in order to feel like
7:48the same person. So you can discover
7:50that one of your goals was actually
7:52wrong or that you don't want it anymore
7:54or that one of your values was actually
7:56inherited from someone else and it's not
7:58something you really value or one of
8:00your self-escriptions was inaccurate.
8:02Then you can change it deliberately. And
8:05I think one of the best tests is asking
8:07whether your identity helps you see
8:08yourself more accurately or merely helps
8:11you feel better or worse about yourself.
8:14Sometimes those overlap, sometimes they
8:16don't. So you need enough self-respect
8:18to interpret yourself generously and
8:20enough honesty to notice when your
8:22behavior keeps contradicting the
8:23description. So build an identity you
8:26can respect and believe at the same
8:28time. And don't choose the smallest
8:30description that your past can already
8:32prove because then nothing really
8:33changes. Don't choose a description so
8:36disconnected from your behavior that you
8:37know you're performing for yourself. But
8:39rather choose a demanding identity,
8:41something that is just above your reach
8:44right now. and then start creating the
8:46evidence that makes it increasingly
8:48true.
8:49So
8:51let's talk about behavioral proof. So
8:53once you've made the identity clear, you
8:56run into the second problem. Your mind
8:58eventually asks for proof or at least
9:00some kind of confirmation that the
9:02identity is real or at the very least
9:04that it has potential. And you can
9:06repeat a description of yourself
9:08hundreds of times and that might
9:09influence your attention or expectations
9:12and behavior, but you still live with
9:13the record of what you actually do. And
9:15that record is important. So if you
9:18constantly call yourself disciplined
9:19while your behavior repeatedly says
9:21avoidance, then you're asking yourself
9:23to trust trust something that keeps
9:25changing and something that you keep
9:28contradicting. And so psychologist Daryl
9:30Wem actually gives us a useful way to
9:33think about this through self-perception
9:35theory. So his basic argument was that
9:38when our internal states feel unclear,
9:41we sometimes infer what we think or feel
9:43by observing our own behavior. So when
9:46we don't know exactly how we feel
9:48internally, we actually start looking
9:50outside of us at our selves essentially
9:54uh and observing our own behavior
9:58to figure out how we actually feel. So
10:00we infer what we think or feel by
10:02observing our own behavior much like we
10:05would infer something about another
10:07person by watching what they do. So by
10:10watching the behavior of someone else,
10:11we can figure out if they're sad or
10:13angry or happy, etc. And sometimes we do
10:15the same to ourselves. That means that
10:18your actions can function as information
10:20about you too. And this is what he said.
10:23Individuals come to know their own
10:25attitudes, emotions, and other internal
10:27states partially by inferring them from
10:30observations of their own overt behavior
10:33andor the circumstances in which this
10:35behavior occurs. So if you think about
10:38that, identity work starts looking a
10:40little different. Every meaningful
10:41action becomes a piece of self-nowledge.
10:44And when you do the difficult work you
10:46said you would do, you learn something.
10:48When you avoid it again, you learn
10:50something too. So your mind doesn't need
10:52to consciously narrate the lesson every
10:53time. Repeated behavior makes some
10:56self-descriptions easier to believe and
10:58others harder. And this is why behavior
11:00needs to carry as much weight as
11:02affirmations once you know the direction
11:05you want to move in. So use language to
11:07choose the identity, but use behavior to
11:09substantiate it. So you should
11:11absolutely speak to yourself in ways
11:13that support the person you're becoming,
11:15but you also need to give those words a
11:17growing history behind them. So as you
11:20can see from the image, what you do
11:24turns into an observation. So I keep
11:26doing X, which then turns into you
11:29inferring information about yourself. So
11:31I must be X. And then it turns into
11:34self-perception. This is who I am. So
11:37make the proof small enough that you can
11:39actually produce it frequently. So if
11:40you want to become someone who writes
11:42then write. If you want to become
11:44someone who trains consistently then
11:46train. If you want to become someone who
11:48keeps commitments then start keeping
11:50commitments. It's those repeated
11:51behavior whose meaning is clear that
11:54create that identity or that allow you
11:56to infer information about yourself. And
11:59so Albert Bandura's work on
12:01self-efficacy
12:03focused on people's beliefs about
12:05whether they can actually execute the
12:06actions needed for a particular result.
12:09And he actually identified previous
12:11successful performance as one of the
12:14major sources of those beliefs. So you
12:16look at your own previous successful
12:18performance to find out if you can
12:20actually do something. And these
12:21successful experiences are often called
12:24mastery experiences. You believe you can
12:26do something more easily after you've
12:28actually done it. even if it was just
12:29once. And I want you to notice the order
12:32here because people often reverse it,
12:34right? They wait until they fully
12:36believe in themselves before de
12:38demanding difficult behavior from
12:40themselves. And while that can work and
12:41you can work on changing your beliefs
12:43and limiting beliefs, a lot of the times
12:45it might be just easier if you just
12:47start acting regardless and basically
12:50let belief catch up. And so in many
12:54cases you need some behavior first. You
12:56act while the belief is actually
12:57incomplete. You survived the discomfort.
13:00You produce a result. And now your next
13:02attempt begins with more evidence than
13:04the first one did. And that gives you a
13:06much more valuable form of confidence.
13:08You're no longer essentially trying to
13:10feel certain because you've convinced
13:12yourself that failure is impossible, but
13:15rather you feel more capable because
13:16you've repeatedly handled situations
13:18that used to make you doubt yourself.
13:20And the confidence has a history which
13:22then gives your mind something concrete
13:24to actually reference to. And this also
13:27changes how you should choose
13:28challenges. So if everything is too
13:30easy, you get very little information
13:32about your ability and capacity and your
13:35ability to handle difficulty. If
13:37everything is impossibly hard, you may
13:39keep collecting experiences of failure
13:41without ever developing the capabilities
13:43you actually need and the capacity you
13:45need. So choose work that requires
13:47something from you, but still gives you
13:49a realistic chance to actually follow
13:51through and for you to actually
13:53complete. And this is also one of the
13:55most reliable ways to actually enter
13:56flow in anything you do. It's the
13:59challenge. And the challenge needs to
14:01stretch your current ability just enough
14:03to demand your full attention without
14:05actually exceeding it so dramatically
14:07that you become overwhelmed and you
14:09completely leave it. So you need to
14:12increase the demand as your evidence
14:13grows. Don't start with humongous
14:15demand. Don't start with a task that
14:18requires a much bigger capacity from
14:20you. Start with something that you can
14:22actually meet and then from there just
14:24increase it just a little bit so you
14:26reach for it so that it's just a bit
14:29outside of your comfort zone. And here's
14:32where this becomes also interesting over
14:34time. One action rarely changes your
14:37identity much because one action has too
14:39many possible explanations. So you
14:41worked hard once because you were
14:43excited for example. That could be
14:44easily explained. If it just happens one
14:47time, you can always attribute it to
14:49something that happens. You trained once
14:52because you had time. You said no once
14:54because you were angry. So, you set a
14:57boundary in an angry state. That's a bit
14:59easier than when you're not angry,
15:01right? And repetition removes more of
15:03those alternative explanations.
15:06Eventually, the pattern becomes just
15:07harder to dismiss. So you should
15:09actively collect that evidence,
15:11especially while you're changing because
15:13your mind has a strong tendency to
15:15remember information that fits familiar
15:17interpretations.
15:19And so don't assume you'll automatically
15:21notice every sign of progress. At the
15:23end of the day or week, either recall or
15:25write down specific behaviors that
15:27support the identity you're actually
15:29building, like what did you actually do?
15:32And if you're building discipline,
15:34record the commitments you kept. If
15:36you're building courage, then record the
15:38uncomfortable actions you took. If
15:40you're building patience, then record
15:42the moments where you slowed down and
15:44where you were patient. You need enough
15:46concrete evidence that your mind can't
15:48honestly say nothing is really changing.
15:51And over time, just start weighing these
15:53patterns more heavily than isolated
15:56moments. So, if you trained four times
15:57this week and skipped one session, you
16:00have mathematically and objectively more
16:02evidence for consistency than
16:04inconsistency. So stop saying you're
16:06inconsistent just because you missed one
16:08session. If you avoided every difficult
16:10task and completed one easy task, that's
16:12a bit of a different pattern, right? In
16:14that case, maybe you need to work
16:16harder. So look at the distribution of
16:18your behavior instead of selecting
16:20whichever single moment supports the
16:22mood you happen to be in. And this
16:24protects you in both directions. You
16:26stop destroying your self-image and your
16:28self-esteem over one mistake. And you
16:30stop exaggerating your progress because
16:32of one good day. The point is accuracy.
16:35Accuracy gives you control. And when
16:38you're in control, you can change
16:40things. So you want your identity to
16:41become increasingly difficult for your
16:43own mind to dispute because a large
16:46enough sample of your life keeps
16:48supporting it. So for example, I have
16:50gone to the gym for around 10 years now
16:52and I simply see myself as someone that
16:55goes to the gym. Does that mean I
16:57haven't missed a single session? Of
16:58course not. I've missed entire weeks and
17:01entire months in the past. However, I
17:04still have a lot more evidence to show
17:05that I am simply someone who goes to the
17:07gym regardless than the opposite. And
17:10so, even if I miss a whole month of
17:12going to the gym, I don't really think
17:14to myself, "Oh, I'm just not that kind
17:16of person anymore. I never think that
17:18because I know that I'll return the
17:20moment I can." And so at some point the
17:23new behavior takes less psychological
17:25negotiation because your past behavior
17:28makes the next action feel way more
17:30consistent with who you already know
17:32yourself to be. This is exactly what I
17:34was talking about with the example here
17:35with the gym. I just know that I'm going
17:37to return to it immediately as soon as I
17:40have the chance because it has become
17:42part of my identity. And so Daphna
17:45Oerman's identity based motivation work
17:48helps explain part of this. Her model
17:51proposes that people become more ready
17:53to take actions that feel congruent with
17:55an active identity and use those
17:58identities to interpret what situations
18:00mean. So when you repeatedly behave in
18:03ways that support a certain identity,
18:05you're doing more than completing
18:07isolated tasks. You're actually changing
18:09which behaviors feel relevant and
18:11natural to you. And so if you
18:13increasingly experience working on your
18:15business as something people like you
18:16just do, you will need less debate each
18:19time the opportunity to work on your
18:21business appears. And this is why
18:23identity can eventually simplify
18:25behavior because you still need effort.
18:27You still get tired. You still face
18:28competing incentives. You still might
18:30miss a month of going to the gym. The
18:33difference is that the action now has a
18:35clearer meaning. You don't have to
18:36decide from zero every time because your
18:38existing self-understanding already
18:41gives one option more weight. And the
18:43relationship runs both ways. Your
18:45identity influences your behavior and
18:47then your behavior gives you evidence
18:49about your identity. And that evidence
18:51strengthens or weakens the
18:52self-description which changes how the
18:54next situation feels. So you can create
18:56a self-reinforcing pattern here. And you
18:58need to understand that this mechanism
19:00works for useful identities and
19:02destructive identities alike. And that
19:05means you can't and shouldn't leave the
19:06direction accidental. Decide which
19:09qualities deserve reinforcement. Then
19:11build repeated behaviors that make those
19:13qualities more true. Do not spend years
19:16collecting evidence for identities you
19:18hate simply because those behaviors feel
19:20familiar. Familiarity tells you what
19:23you've repeated, not what deserves
19:25another repetition. So with that said,
19:27let's cover standards and selfrust. So
19:31now we've got clarity and we've got
19:33evidence. And this brings us to the next
19:34part. You need standards. Without
19:36standards, an identity stays only
19:38descriptive, right? You know how you
19:40want to see yourself and you might even
19:42have evidence for it. But every new
19:44situation still requires another
19:46negotiation on what to do or not to do.
19:49And standards reduce that negotiation
19:52because you've already decided what
19:54certain parts of your identity require
19:56from you. So a standard answers the
19:59question given the person I have chosen
20:01to be or become what behavior do I
20:04accept from myself here in this
20:07situation that could be about work it
20:09could be about health money
20:10relationships learning honesty
20:12punctuality how you speak what you
20:15consume how you react when you're angry
20:17or anything else you care about so you
20:20need to define your standards and make
20:21them specific so that you can tell when
20:23you met them or not I work hard is not a
20:27standard, right? On the other hand, I
20:30complete the important work I planned
20:32before I spend the evening consuming
20:34entertainment gives you something you
20:35can actually evaluate. So, keep the
20:38number of serious standards small. If
20:41you create 50 absolute rules for
20:43yourself, then you haven't created any.
20:45In my opinion, you've mostly created 50
20:47new ways to disappoint yourself. So,
20:49choose the standards that actually
20:51express the deepest parts of the
20:53identity you want. Let ordinary
20:55preferences remain preferences and
20:57reserve strong standards for behavior
21:00you genuinely believe should define you.
21:02So you also need to know which standard
21:04wins when two standards conflict. You
21:06might value hard work and plenty of rest
21:09or value honesty and kindness or your
21:12business and your relationship. And real
21:14life creates these trade-offs. So by
21:16saying no to something you say yes to
21:18something else and vice versa. by saying
21:20yes to something whether you realize it
21:23or not you say no to other things. So
21:26decide which principles have priority
21:28under which conditions otherwise you'll
21:30call whatever you wanted in the moment
21:32one of your values after the fact. Now
21:36we get to selfrust and I think this part
21:38gets underestimated constantly. You
21:41trust another person when their words
21:43reliably predict what they'll do right
21:46and what they do reliably predicts what
21:48they say.
21:50So your relationship with yourself works
21:53similarly. If you repeatedly make
21:54commitments to yourself and repeatedly
21:57ignore them, then you learn that your
21:58own declarations have very little
22:00predictive value. Eventually you can
22:03decide on another goal and feel almost
22:05nothing because some part of you has
22:07heard this before and your brain
22:08basically goes, "Yeah, right. Here we go
22:10again." So you need to restore
22:12credibility with yourself first and you
22:14do that through fulfilled commitments.
22:16Now, the reason most people don't really
22:18trust themselves is because they take on
22:20way too much. They commit to 67 things.
22:23And when they inevitably start feeling
22:26overwhelmed and manage to only meet one
22:28of these commitments, they start seeing
22:30themselves as a failure or at the very
22:32least someone that can't be trusted. So,
22:34you need to start saying fewer things
22:35and doing more of what you say. Less is
22:38more. Go slow to go fast. Stop talking
22:40the talk, but never walking the walk. I
22:42hope you get it. So if you tell yourself
22:44you will complete something, treat that
22:46statement as consequential. I'm not
22:49saying you need to become obsessive or
22:50punish yourself when the circumstances
22:52genuinely change, but you do need to
22:54stop making casual promises to yourself
22:56that you already know you probably won't
22:58keep. Otherwise, don't make the promise
23:00in the first place. And lower the
23:02individual commitment itself before you
23:04violate it. So you can commit to 30
23:07minutes of work you will actually
23:08perform instead of 4 hours that you'll
23:11avoid. So commit to three training
23:13sessions you'll complete instead of
23:15seven that you'll abandon. So you can
23:18increase the demand later. At the
23:20beginning, your first job is just
23:21teaching yourself that your word
23:23predicts action. So you can even just
23:25say, "I'm going to work out for 5
23:27minutes." As long as you do it, that's
23:29the most important part. And when you
23:31break a commitment, just repair it. Stop
23:34putting yourself down and creating a
23:35whole moral drama around it, right?
23:38You're just wasting your time. At the
23:40same time, don't pretend it never
23:41happened, right? Identify why you broke
23:43it. Decide whether the standard was
23:45actually reasonable. Correct. Correct
23:47the plan if if it's necessary, and then
23:49keep the next commitment. You strengthen
23:51selfrust through reliable behavior after
23:54mistakes as well. So, the less amount of
23:57time you spend sitting and beating
23:58yourself up over it, the faster you
24:00correct the behavior. The faster you
24:02correct the behavior, the less one miss
24:04can become a new pattern. So if you skip
24:06something important, return at the next
24:08possible opportunity. Just don't create
24:11some arbitrary rule that one mistake
24:14means you must start over on Monday or
24:16next month or next year. Your identity
24:18develops from the overall pattern and so
24:20your response to the mistake becomes
24:22part of that pattern as well.
24:25Now after a while some actions will stop
24:28feeling like equally valid options
24:31because they conflict too strongly with
24:33the person you understand yourself to
24:35be. Now, so you will still feel tempted.
24:38You will still choose badly sometimes.
24:40The important change happens when your
24:43default interpretation moves from
24:44deciding whether the standard matters to
24:47deciding how you're going to honor it in
24:50this specific situation. And so this
24:52reduces repeated decision-m because
24:54you've already decided what matters. Now
24:56your job is to just apply it in the
24:59moment. And that's one reason standards
25:02can produce a stronger sense of identity
25:04than goals alone can do because the
25:06standard governs your behavior before
25:08the outcomes actually show up. So you
25:10can pursue a fitness goal while still
25:12seeing training as optional whenever
25:14your motivation is actually low. While
25:16someone with a training standard has
25:18already defined regular training as part
25:20of how they live and so they don't
25:22really care about motivation. So the
25:24goal gives you direction. The standard
25:27is for the boring ordinary days between
25:29the days where your progress feels
25:30exciting and when you feel motivation.
25:33And those boring ordinary days will be
25:35more than the ones where you feel
25:36amazing and super motivated. So keep
25:39standards that increase your respect for
25:41yourself. And I don't mean standards
25:44designed to impress somebody else or
25:46create the appearance of extreme
25:47discipline. I'm talking about following
25:50the standard should make your life more
25:52consistent with the values you actually
25:54have. If it does, keep it. If you're
25:56maintaining it only because abandoning
25:58it would hurt some uh image you've
26:00become attached to, then look at it
26:03again and possibly remove it. If you
26:06don't really care about it, you're
26:08allowed to remove a standard
26:09intentionally. That doesn't mean
26:11standards are meaningless. It means you
26:13probably need to change them consciously
26:15instead of violating them repeatedly
26:17while continuing to pretend they matter
26:18to you. either honor the standard or
26:21just revise it because living
26:23indefinitely between the two weakens the
26:25relationship between what you say
26:27matters and what you actually do. And
26:29James Clear said it, it doesn't make
26:31sense to continue wanting something if
26:33you're not willing to do what it takes
26:35to get it. If you don't want to live the
26:37lifestyle, then release yourself from
26:38the desire. To crave the results but not
26:41the process is to guarantee
26:42disappointment. And so after enough
26:45repetitions, selfrust will start
26:47becoming one of the strongest supports
26:50underneath that identity. You know you
26:52can change plans without abandoning
26:54yourself. You know you can feel bad and
26:57still behave according to your goals,
26:59standards and values. You know you can
27:01make a mistake and return. You know that
27:04when you make a serious commitment,
27:06there's a strong chance your behavior
27:08will follow. And this is probably the
27:10cleanest way to really think about
27:12selfrust. Your own word becomes a
27:15personal law. It becomes a predictor of
27:18your future behavior. And every serious
27:20goal requires you to rely on a future
27:22version of yourself. You make a plan
27:24today that only works if tomorrow's
27:26version of you carries part of it
27:28forward. Right? So you need to be able
27:30to trust yourself. You need to be able
27:32to trust the future version of you if
27:35every plan you make today depends on
27:36them. So the stronger that relationship
27:39becomes, the less every decision feels
27:41like a negotiation between completely
27:42different versions of you. Yesterday's
27:45intention, today's action, and
27:47tomorrow's expectations start agreeing
27:49way more often, and you experience more
27:51continuity across time because your
27:53behavior gives those different moments
27:55something to actually share. And
27:57weirdly, this gives you more
27:58flexibility. You can change the plan
28:01because you trust yourself to
28:02distinguish a deliberate, thoughtout
28:04change from avoidance. And you can rest
28:07because you trust yourself to return to
28:09work. You can loosen a rule because you
28:11know you won't automatically use that
28:13freedom to abandon every standard you
28:15built. You can miss the gym for a month
28:17and know that you will return to it
28:19because you trust yourself. And that's a
28:21much stronger place to operate from than
28:23constant self-control. Discipline,
28:25planning, and structure are still
28:27extremely important. But now they're
28:29supported by a history of reliability.
28:32you've spent enough time behaving in
28:34ways that make your own intentions
28:36credible and believable. So with that
28:38said, let's actually cover identity
28:41under pressure. So now we get to the
28:44part that really shows whether the
28:46identity has become strong. You need to
28:48see what happens when the circumstances
28:50stop supporting it. Anybody can feel
28:52super disciplined during a perfect week,
28:54right? Anybody can feel confident after
28:57several wins. anybody can feel capable
28:59while everything they attempt works. The
29:02more revealing moments come when life
29:04makes the behavior harder than usual.
29:06And this is partly explained by a
29:08reversion or regression to the mean. An
29:10unusually good or bad result is often
29:13followed by something closer to your
29:14normal level simply because extreme
29:16outcomes are difficult to repeat. So
29:19your best week will probably be followed
29:21by a more ordinary one or an even more
29:23difficult one. and your worst week will
29:26probably be followed by some improvement
29:28even when nothing fundamental about you
29:31has really changed. And so don't use one
29:33extreme result as the final measurement
29:35of your identity. A drop after an
29:38exceptional performance doesn't
29:39automatically mean you've lost your
29:41discipline, confidence, or ability. Look
29:43at your average behavior across enough
29:45time to see the real pattern and judge
29:48whether your baseline is gradually
29:49moving in the direction you want. So
29:52don't treat those moments as
29:53interruptions to identity work. They are
29:56part of identity work. They show you how
29:58much of the self-escription depends on
30:00favorable conditions. If the identity
30:02disappears every time your circumstances
30:04become difficult, then you've actually
30:06learned something important. Watch what
30:09changes first. Does your behavior change
30:11while your identity stays stable? Does
30:13your selft talk change immediately? Do
30:15your standards disappear? Do you
30:18reinterpret your entire past because of
30:20one current problem? It will tell you
30:22which part of the identity still needs a
30:24lot more support. And you should also
30:26expect variation. Our behaviors change
30:29with fatigue, stress, incentives,
30:31environment, emotion, and thousands of
30:33other factors. So a strong identity
30:36doesn't require the exact same
30:37performance every day, but rather enough
30:40continuity that the temporary variation
30:42doesn't completely determine what you
30:44believe about yourself. And this is why
30:46I always think in terms of ranges. If
30:49you always demand one perfect
30:50expression, you give yourself hundreds
30:52of reasons to label yourself as a
30:54failure because most of the times you
30:56will either overshoot or underperform a
30:59specific target. So you need to define
31:01an acceptable range. A disciplined
31:03person can have a lower output on a
31:06packed day. A healthy person can eat
31:08something they didn't plan. A confident
31:10person can feel nervous in certain
31:12situations. It's all about ranges and
31:14keeping the 80/20 in mind. Once you
31:17understand that traits and identities
31:18express themselves across ranges, you
31:20stop grading your entire identity on
31:23whichever moment is currently most
31:24vivid. And Oyerman's identity based
31:27motivation research gives us another
31:29useful insight here. People don't only
31:32use identity to decide what actions fit
31:34them. They also use identity to
31:36interpret difficulty. So when an action
31:39feels connected to an important
31:41identity, difficulty can mean the action
31:43matters and deserves effort. When the
31:45action feels incompatible with an
31:47identity, the exact same difficulty can
31:50become evidence that the behavior isn't
31:52for someone like them. And so to a big
31:54degree, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
31:57That means you have to actually train
31:59the meaning you assign to difficulty. So
32:01if your conclusion after every hard
32:03workout is that you're not athletic, the
32:06identity is pretty fragile. If every
32:08difficult piece of work tells you that
32:10you lack talent, you'll keep abandoning
32:12identities before you accumulate enough
32:14experience to inhabit them. So
32:16difficulty often tells you that
32:18something is just difficult. It doesn't
32:20automatically mean anything about your
32:22identity. So you don't have to
32:24automatically promote it into a
32:25statement about who you are as a person.
32:28And Steve Jobs became famous for what
32:30his colleagues called his reality
32:32distortion field. When engineers set a
32:34deadline or a technical demand was
32:36impossible, he often refused to accept
32:39their interpretation and acted as though
32:41the result could be achieved. For
32:43example, when Apple needed an extremely
32:45durable glass screen for the first
32:46iPhone, Jobs pushed Corning to
32:49manufacture enough Gorilla Glass within
32:516 months despite being told that the
32:53timeline could not be met. Corning
32:55reorganized their whole production and
32:57delivered it. So Jobs didn't really make
33:00the difficulty disappear. He rejected
33:02the assumption that difficulty proved
33:04impossibility which pushed people to
33:06search for options they had already
33:08dismissed. So you need to be clear on
33:10whether the difficulty is diagnostic
33:12before you interpret it. Sometimes it
33:14is. If you repeatedly struggle because
33:17you lack a skill, well, you would be
33:19better off developing the skill first
33:20and then returning to the task at hand.
33:23If the plan is unrealistic, then you
33:25probably need to change the plan. If you
33:27genuinely hate the goal, then you maybe
33:29need to reconsider the goal. You still
33:31use the information, but you keep the
33:33conclusion proportional to the evidence.
33:35And you need to normalize friction
33:37during identity change because new
33:38behaviors often demand more conscious
33:41effort before they become habitual,
33:43smooth, and dare I say, easy. And that
33:46extra effort that you have to put in the
33:48beginning doesn't really mean the
33:50identity is false. You just need to keep
33:52working until you have enough
33:53information to distinguish temporary
33:55unfamiliarity from genuine misfit. And
33:59make sure to give the identity enough
34:00time to actually acquire history.
34:02Because people often judge a new
34:04self-concept after a handful of attempts
34:07and then they compare that awkward
34:08beginning with an old identity supported
34:11by years of repetition. Well, of course,
34:13the old pattern feels more natural,
34:16right? It has vastly more practice
34:18behind it and way more time. So keep
34:21producing evidence before you actually
34:23make a final judgment. And this is where
34:25I want you to adopt one distinction very
34:28deliberately. Treat events as
34:30information before you treat them as
34:32conclusions. So a bad result contains
34:35information. A missed commitment
34:37contains information. Rejection contains
34:40information. Failure contains
34:42information. It's all just data points.
34:44You should absolutely look at it. But
34:46what you shouldn't do is immediately
34:48convert a specific event into a total
34:50conclusion about yourself and keep the
34:53scope of the conclusion equal to the
34:55scope of the evidence. If a project
34:57fails, then the evidence directly tells
34:59you that the project failed and that's
35:01it. Right? It doesn't tell you anything
35:03else objectively than the fact that the
35:06project failed. And you can investigate
35:09like the what, the why, the how, but you
35:12still need a lot more evidence before
35:13you conclude something broad about your
35:15entire capacity or personality or
35:17identity. So clean up the language you
35:20use after setbacks and don't make eye
35:22statements willy-nilly left and right.
35:24Describe what happened with enough
35:26objective accuracy that the identity
35:28doesn't absorb information the event
35:30never actually gave you. And this
35:32doesn't mean protecting yourself from
35:34uncomfortable truth. Sometimes repeated
35:36outcomes really do reveal something
35:37about you that needs attention. But the
35:40key word is repeated. When the same
35:42behavior appears across situations over
35:44time despite serious attempts to change
35:46it, take that pattern seriously. If a
35:49pattern keeps contradicting the
35:50identity, you need to do something,
35:52right? Just change the behavior or
35:54develop the missing capability or change
35:56the environment or lower the standard
35:58for now. Don't keep repeating a cool
36:00sounding identity just because. And the
36:04last piece is really recovery.
36:06Perfection gives you very little useful
36:07measure because nobody maintains perfect
36:10behavior indefinitely if ever. So
36:13recovery gives you much more. How long
36:15does one bad decision affect the next
36:17one? How long does one bad day affect
36:19the next week? How much behavior do you
36:22lose because you decided the first
36:24deviation meant something bigger than it
36:26did? Build the habit of actually
36:28returning. You missed the behavior.
36:30Acknowledge it. Learn whatever you need
36:32to learn. Return to the standard and
36:34that's it. You don't need some dramatic
36:36recommitment every time. That just tells
36:38you the system still isn't really
36:40reliable enough. So practice recovery as
36:42deliberately as you practice the ideal
36:44behavior. When you break a standard,
36:46notice how long it takes you to resume
36:48it. Shorten that period. And if it took
36:50a week before, then try to make it 2
36:52days. If it took two days, then make it
36:54the next available opportunity or in the
36:56next hour. Eventually a miss stay stays
36:59a miss instead of turning into a new
37:01pattern and eventually you never miss.
37:04And this is the version of identity
37:06strength I actually want you to build.
37:07You know who you are and what you need
37:09to do with clarity. Your behavior gives
37:12you repeated evidence. Your standards
37:14make the identity operational. Your word
37:16has credibility with yourself. And when
37:18reality gives you an outcome you didn't
37:20like, you learn from it and get on with
37:23your life without letting one piece of
37:25information rewrite the entire identity.
37:28And that gives you a self-image that
37:30stays stable and flexible enough to keep
37:32learning. You just know what you value.
37:34You know what you usually do. You know
37:36what standards you hold. You know how
37:38you respond after mistakes. And you have
37:41enough history with yourself that those
37:43things actually mean something. So with
37:45that said, let's cover the review. We
37:48covered the overview. We covered
37:50identity coherence, behavioral proof,
37:52standards and self-rust, identity under
37:55pressure, the review, and your action
37:56items for the day or the next few days.
37:58First, write down the five qualities you
38:01most want your identity to contain.
38:03Define each one in behavioral terms.
38:06Remove vague words you cannot evaluate
38:08and decide what each quality actually
38:10requires from you in ordinary life. Then
38:14choose one behavior for each important
38:16quality and start producing evidence.
38:18Keep the commitments realistic enough
38:20that you can repeat them. Then record
38:22the specific evidence every week. And
38:24your goal is to make your
38:25self-escription increasingly supported
38:27by your actual behavior. And then
38:29finally, pick the standards you refuse
38:30to keep renegotiating. Then measure how
38:33quickly you return when you break one.
38:36Learn from the miss. Correct whatever
38:37needs correction. And resume the
38:39behavior at the next reasonable
38:41opportunity. and then build an identity
38:43that can survive an imperfect life
38:45without becoming inaccurate or unstable.
38:48With that said, I hope this brought a
38:50lot of value. If it did, make sure to
38:51let me know. Subscribe to the channel,
38:53like the video. If you want to work with
38:55me oneon-one, make sure to book a call
38:57from the link in the description. If you
38:58want this document along with its
39:00training, then make sure to join the
39:02free community from the link in the
39:04description. And if you want weekly
39:05newsletters helping you improve every
39:08aspect of your life, then make sure to
39:09join the free newsletter from the link
39:12in the description. With that said, once
39:14again, thank you for being here. Thank
39:15you for watching. Thank you for the
39:16support. And I'll see you in the next
39:18one.

About this transcript

This page contains the full transcript of how to build an identity so strong, it scares people by Daniel Barada, generated from the public captions YouTube serves with the video. The transcript has 6,868 words across 1,095 segments, with the original timestamps preserved so you can click any line to jump to that moment in the embedded player.

What you can do with it

Use the transcript to take notes, quote the speaker, build a study guide, generate a summary with ChatGPT or Claude via the YouTube Summary tool, or export it as a timed subtitle file with YouTube to SRT. You can also re-open it in the transcriber to translate the transcript into 100+ languages.

Free YouTube transcript tool

YouTube2Text is a free YouTube transcript generator — no signup, no daily limit. Paste any YouTube link and get the full transcript instantly, with timestamps, click-to-jump, translation to 100+ languages, AI prompts for ChatGPT, Claude, and Gemini, and exports to TXT, SRT, VTT, or Markdown.