How to be confident (even if you’re not) | Montana von Fliss | TEDxBellevueWomen — Transcript

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1. 0:00Transcriber: Cristina Muñoz Reviewer: Raúl Higareda
2. 0:07Picture this,
3. 0:09you’re going on a boat trip,
4. 0:12and you get on board with your family, and you got your bags,
5. 0:16and the captain comes out to greet you and says,
6. 0:19“Hi, Um... My name is Montana... Von Fliss.
7. 0:24Uh, so... I’ll be your captain for this journey...
8. 0:27(Exhales)
9. 0:28So, uh...
10. 0:30(Laughter)
11. 0:31Oh, boy... Let’s just have a great trip. Sorry.”
12. 0:34(Laughter)
13. 0:36Nope. Get me off of this boat.
14. 0:39(Laughter)
15. 0:40What we want in that moment is for the captain to walk out and say,
16. 0:44“Hi, my name is Montana Von Fleiss, I’ll be your captain for this journey.
17. 0:49Let’s have a great trip.”
18. 0:52The point is, when you are the speaker, you are the captain for that journey,
19. 0:57and how you show up really matters.
20. 1:00For the last 17 years,
21. 1:02I’ve coached thousands of speakers all over the world,
22. 1:05from big tech companies to small startups,
23. 1:08and everyone, from new hires to CEOs of Fortune 500 companies,
24. 1:14want to know, how do you show up and look confident?
25. 1:18So I’d like to share my top five tips for how to be confident,
26. 1:22even if you’re not.
27. 1:24So let's break it down.
28. 1:25What was the difference between those two captains?
29. 1:29What did you see? What did you hear?
30. 1:30And not just, “One seemed nervous, one seemed confident.”
31. 1:35But what was I doing differently to make you think that?
32. 1:39Different volume, different words, certainly different body language.
33. 1:45But the truth is, I wasn’t feeling particularly confident.
34. 1:50I was just making certain physical and vocal choices to make you think that.
35. 1:56You can do that too.
36. 1:57Anyone can do this.
37. 2:00So, what are those confident-looking choices?
38. 2:03Number one.
39. 2:04Turn up the energy and speak up.
40. 2:07When you speak up, even just a little bit,
41. 2:10it reads as confident, and you don’t have to shout.
42. 2:13Think about it this way. On a scale of 1 to 10, aim for a 5.
43. 2:19Yes, it goes to 11,
44. 2:21(Laughter)
45. 2:23but you can just aim for a five. I’m here at a five right now.
46. 2:27I can bring it back down to a three here. Nervous captain was here.
47. 2:30And we bring it back up to a five,
48. 2:32and it sounds prepared, positive, and confident.
49. 2:36So turn up the energy and speak up.
50. 2:39Number two.
51. 2:41Pause... like a boss.
52. 2:45(Laughter)
53. 2:46Nervous speakers tend to talk really fast, right?
54. 2:49And when they do have a pause,
55. 2:50they fill it in with verbal filler, likes and ums.
56. 2:53However, if you try to speak more slowly, it just sounds like this, right?
57. 2:59And that's not better.
58. 3:01So instead, make strategic pauses.
59. 3:04Pause in transition.
60. 3:06Pause for emphasis.
61. 3:07Pause... like a boss.
62. 3:11(Laughter)
63. 3:12Number three.
64. 3:14Superhero stance.
65. 3:17Imagine you are a superhero. You can do it from your chair.
66. 3:21How would a superhero sit?
67. 3:23Yes. Let that change your posture. I see you. Yes.
68. 3:27Let that bring a smile to your face and have some better eye contact.
69. 3:31All of that reads as confident,
70. 3:35and pretending to be a superhero is just a super quick way
71. 3:39to have confident-looking body language.
72. 3:42Now, this one also goes to 11.
73. 3:46(Laughter)
74. 3:48But you can just aim for a five, and that will be great.
75. 3:52Tuck in that cape and go save the day.
76. 3:56And you can stand in superhero backstage to boost your confidence,
77. 4:00but I’m saying bring that superhero stance on stage
78. 4:04so that your audience sees you as confident.
79. 4:08And if you need an easy shortcut, just make the shape.
80. 4:12Just make the shape of a confident person.
81. 4:15The audience cannot read your mind.
82. 4:17They don’t know how you’re feeling,
83. 4:19so just make the shape and they will go with it.
84. 4:23Like, if you came over to my house for dinner
85. 4:25and I opened up the door and I was like,
86. 4:27“Hi, come on in, we’re having chicken.”
87. 4:31(Laughter)
88. 4:32You’d be like, “Oh, is this a bad time?”
89. 4:34(Laughter)
90. 4:36You know, you’ve got to make the shape of a good host.
91. 4:38Make the smile shape, right?
92. 4:41Instead of crossed arm shape, open up.
93. 4:44“Hi, welcome. Come on in.”
94. 4:48If you’re not sure if you’re making confident-looking choices,
95. 4:51you can just video yourself and watch it back.
96. 4:57I feel like I just saw you say, “Um, not doing that one.”
97. 5:00(Laughter)
98. 5:01I know most people don’t like to watch themselves, I get it.
99. 5:05But wouldn’t you rather...
100. 5:07make that adjustment before you’re in front of your audience?
101. 5:12Yes.
102. 5:13Videoing yourself is a great way to check in
103. 5:16to see that you’re doing the techniques,
104. 5:18but also to see that it’s still authentically you,
105. 5:21your version of confident captain.
106. 5:25Now, how can you do all of these things on performance day?
107. 5:30Number four.
108. 5:32Practice with purpose.
109. 5:34So, make yourself a rehearsal schedule.
110. 5:37Put it in your calendar.
111. 5:38You can give yourself a little treat when you do a run through.
112. 5:42And make it practice with purpose by giving yourself a specific goal
113. 5:47or layering in one new confident captain technique each day.
114. 5:52If it’s a week before your event,
115. 5:54aim to run it all the way through at least once a day.
116. 5:59If you have no time for a run through, just take the opening and closing,
117. 6:02and run that three times in a row from anywhere.
118. 6:05When you’re in the shower, when you’re walking your dog,
119. 6:08when you’re making a meal for your kids.
120. 6:10I know my kids are very used to me walking around the house talking to myself.
121. 6:15Whatever you need to do to get in those repetitions.
122. 6:20And don’t be afraid of over practice.
123. 6:24Don't let that stop you.
124. 6:26You can just let go of your verbatim script if it’s starting to sound robotic.
125. 6:31And you can still use bullet point speaker notes
126. 6:35to remind yourself of what you would like to say
127. 6:38and to invite you to say it a little bit differently each time to keep it fresh.
128. 6:44And let me be clear,
129. 6:46by practice, I mean standing up, saying it out loud,
130. 6:51imagining your audience and inviting them in,
131. 6:55clicking through your slides,
132. 6:56doing it as much like it will be on the day,
133. 6:59whether it’s virtual or in person.
134. 7:02And I know it might feel a little funny saying it out loud to yourself,
135. 7:08but think about when you learn a new sport,
136. 7:12or when you practice a musical instrument.
137. 7:15If you had a piano concert on Friday, and you got new music on Monday,
138. 7:20would you only read your music every day
139. 7:23and then play it for the very first time at the concert on Friday?
140. 7:27No way.
141. 7:28And yet, I see speakers do this all the time.
142. 7:32Give yourself a chance.
143. 7:34Practice helps everything.
144. 7:37And it can really boost your confidence to practice with purpose
145. 7:42by layering in one new technique each day.
146. 7:48Okay, those first four techniques, they’re all about how to appear confident,
147. 7:53regardless of how you’re feeling.
148. 7:56I’ve got one more technique for you, and it’s a big one.
149. 8:01But this is the real gem.
150. 8:02It's the one that makes all the others shine.
151. 8:06This is number five, the silent sentence.
152. 8:11This is about what you choose to tell yourself.
153. 8:16I’ve been a professional actor since I was a kid,
154. 8:18and I have always loved going on stage as an actor,
155. 8:22as a speaker, as an emcee.
156. 8:25And, at the same time, I have often been not just nervous,
157. 8:30sometimes downright terrified to step on a stage.
158. 8:36I’m shaking, I’m sweating, and I’m like,
159. 8:38“What was I thinking? Why do I do this to myself?”
160. 8:42And all these unhelpful voices flood in.
161. 8:44And I just tried to make it stop, push it away.
162. 8:48And of course that never worked.
163. 8:50And I kept going on stage because I love it.
164. 8:55And years later, when I became a speaker coach,
165. 8:58I got asked to do all these professional presentations,
166. 9:01and they went well,
167. 9:03but I still had no way to deal with that massive anxiety.
168. 9:08And I was like, “What can I do?”
169. 9:12And I thought, “Well, what am I telling myself?”
170. 9:16“What if you mess up? You better be perfect.”
171. 9:20I realized I was giving myself an impossible instruction to be perfect.
172. 9:27And that really was not working.
173. 9:30But what would work? What would be a better message?
174. 9:33And to figure that out, I had to go back to square one.
175. 9:36Like, what do I want?
176. 9:39Why did I say yes to this speaking gig?
177. 9:42What is my deeper purpose here?
178. 9:45And I realized at the heart of it,
179. 9:49I just want to help my audience to the best of my ability.
180. 9:55And when I said that, I noticed everything change.
181. 9:59And that's where I found my first silent sentence.
182. 10:03I want to help my audience to the best of my ability.
183. 10:07When I said it, even silently to myself, it acted like this override switch.
184. 10:12Like I might still be shaking and sweating,
185. 10:14but now I have this higher goal, this deeper purpose,
186. 10:18and everything aligned to that.
187. 10:20And that became my highest priority.
188. 10:22I want to help you.
189. 10:24And now, that thought replaced those unhelpful thoughts
190. 10:27and everything went better in my performance.
191. 10:31And I was like, “Yes, it worked. Yay!”
192. 10:38And then I was like, “Wait, how do I do this every time?
193. 10:42Especially when the stakes are high.”
194. 10:45And it dawned on me,
195. 10:47if I’m writing and crafting the words I say out loud,
196. 10:51why not write and craft the words I say silently to myself?
197. 10:56Put it in the script. It’s the silent part of the script.
198. 11:03So now, every time I rehearse,
199. 11:06every time I walk onto a stage,
200. 11:08every time I join a virtual meeting,
201. 11:11I say the following, new and evolved silent sentence,
202. 11:18“I invite you to be here with me while I am here with you
203. 11:24so that I can make this easier for you.”
204. 11:31Now, that invitation to myself to be present,
205. 11:36that’s my definition of stage presence,
206. 11:38being present.
207. 11:41And that invitation to the audience to be my partner,
208. 11:45that reminds me, these are friends, not foes.
209. 11:48And I am choosing to be here.
210. 11:50And now I’m not just making the shape of a good host.
211. 11:53I really am a good host because I am genuinely welcoming you to my world.
212. 12:01Now, how do you go about finding your silent sentence?
213. 12:06What do you want?
214. 12:08What's your deeper purpose?
215. 12:11You could be like me, and you might just want to help people.
216. 12:15Or it could be something more specific.
217. 12:17For example, you might want at least one person in your audience
218. 12:21to walk out and take a CPR class.
219. 12:25Or maybe you’re just super excited to have this experience
220. 12:28or share with them some cool solution you have for their problem.
221. 12:33You get to fill in the blank and decide what you want to accomplish.
222. 12:39And this is not about graduating to some higher level of being
223. 12:44where you never again feel nervous.
224. 12:47Yeah, I know I haven't.
225. 12:49I was feeling it pretty big about 15 minutes ago
226. 12:53(Laughter)
227. 12:54while getting ready to walk on this stage.
228. 12:56And I am, and probably always will be a recovering perfectionist.
229. 13:05That is a well-worn pathway in my brain.
230. 13:08It is there, it exists, it cannot be erased.
231. 13:12But now I have this other pathway.
232. 13:16And when big moments like this come up, I get to choose.
233. 13:20And that's what I was doing back there in the wings.
234. 13:23I was choosing to gently insist on repeating my silent sentence
235. 13:29to set myself up for success.
236. 13:34What we tell ourselves really matters.
237. 13:38We follow our own instructions all day long.
238. 13:40Our whole selves are always listening.
239. 13:44So when you notice something isn’t going well,
240. 13:46or you’re fearing something might not go well in the future,
241. 13:50use this checklist.
242. 13:53What am I telling myself?
243. 13:56What's being broadcast?
244. 14:00Then replace that with a better sentence
245. 14:04to help set you up for where you’d like to go.
246. 14:08And most importantly, put it in the script and practice it.
247. 14:12Practice it just as much as the words you say out loud.
248. 14:15So if you’re running your intro in the shower three times in a row,
249. 14:19it would go silent bit, out loud bit, silent, out loud, silent, out loud,
250. 14:24until it is inextricably linked
251. 14:27and it is just a part of your process,
252. 14:30and it is repeatable and reliable.
253. 14:34And then it’s just there for you when you need it.
254. 14:38Now, I want to leave you with this final thought.
255. 14:42When you’re at home
256. 14:43and you’re practicing some of these techniques,
257. 14:46like turn up the energy and speak up,
258. 14:48pause like a boss,
259. 14:52superhero stance,
260. 14:55practice with purpose, and your silent sentence,
261. 15:00please know that it might feel uncomfortable at first because it’s new
262. 15:04and that is normal.
263. 15:06But think back to when I was demonstrating the nervous captain at the top.
264. 15:09How did that make you feel?
265. 15:12And then when the confident captain came out, “Oh, what a relief.
266. 15:16Now I can just sit back and enjoy the ride.”
267. 15:19Remember that feeling of safety you had as an audience member
268. 15:23and bring that into your next rehearsal.
269. 15:25You can give that gift to your audience.
270. 15:29Reach outside your comfort zone to make your audience feel safe
271. 15:34by making the choices of a confident captain.
272. 15:39And who knows?
273. 15:41You might even have fun.
274. 15:44Have a great trip.
275. 15:47(Cheers and applause)