YT YouTube2Text

YouTube2Text → Transcripts → How To Be An Adult In Relationships | #PERSPECTIVES with Sharon Pearson and David Richo

How To Be An Adult In Relationships | #PERSPECTIVES with Sharon Pearson and David Richo — Transcript

by Remi (Sharon) Pearson · 5,884 words · 1,068 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

Open in transcriber Summarize with AI Download SRT/VTT

Full transcript

0:00hey everyone welcome gloria steinem said
0:04far too many people are looking for the
0:05right person instead of trying to be the
0:08right person
0:10my guest today is dr david rico he's a
0:13renowned
0:14psychotherapist he's author of 20 books
0:17and he's been working in his field for
0:1950 years and still practicing he is a
0:21beautiful human being
0:23you're going to love this conversation
0:25his work
0:26emphasizes the benefits of mindfulness
0:29loving kindness
0:30and personal growth and in this episode
0:33we are going to discuss the book that i
0:35have just loved which is
0:36how to be an adult in relationships
0:39we're going to talk about the five
0:40a's attention acceptance affection
0:44appreciation and allowing and how they
0:48are the key to true
0:49intimacy so we're going to be chatting
0:52about this
0:52and more leave us a rating and i'd love
0:55to have a review about what you thought
0:56about this conversation
0:58and here is dr dave ricko
1:03thanks so much for joining us i think
1:05your work's just fantastic
1:07thank you i really enjoy it my husband
1:10and i are working through the book
1:11together
1:12right now oh really yeah
1:18we're approaching it really
1:22mindfully and very slowly
1:27with big pauses and just making sure
1:30we're
1:33we're attempting not to bring what we
1:35might have done before we read your book
1:38to what we share so that we can create
1:42some new levels of intimacy we've been
1:43married for 28 years
1:46so congratulations yeah thank you so
1:49and i don't think this is natural to
1:53people necessarily
1:54i think there's enough layers of debris
1:57pulled on top of us over the years
2:00that whatever part of our spirit or our
2:03soul had
2:03access to this early can get buried
2:07and what i love about your book is how
2:09you invite the spiritual journey as
2:12well as the therapeutic journey the
2:14mindfulness journey
2:16can you speak a little bit about how it
2:18came about that you bring
2:19both to it because i'm loving it and
2:21it's
2:22it's a beautiful unfolding for us
2:26well thank you i think uh
2:29the way it began for me was uh
2:32finding buddhism in
2:36about 1971
2:40and the first
2:43connection i had with buddhism was
2:46reading a book called
2:48cutting through spiritual materialism
2:52by trungpa rinpoche
2:55and that book was published by shambhala
3:00which became my publisher and the book
3:03was about
3:04how buddhism is a kind of psychology
3:08and so my first introduction to
3:11something
3:12that was spiritual in a new way
3:15you know different from the
3:20christian view
3:22[Music]
3:24included the psychological so i thought
3:27to myself
3:28well then this is what i want it's to
3:32bring together how we become healthier
3:36according to psychology 101
3:39and how we at the same time
3:42advance on our spiritual journey and
3:46that's the journey
3:47toward being a person of integrity and
3:50love
3:52and so that's the origin of
3:56my book how to be an adult in
3:58relationships and
4:00how did the let's speak to the five a's
4:02because i think that's
4:03clearly very central to the book
4:06actually before we get to that
4:07to me please help me here
4:10to me the book is inviting us
4:14that where we might have gone outside
4:16for the answers or hope to be rescued
4:18outside of ourselves
4:20that in those moments of needing to feel
4:22that we need to be rescued in the
4:23moments where we feel most wounded or we
4:25want to blame or we want to
4:27push it away from us they're the moments
4:30you're inviting us to say
4:32that's that's where you get to grow the
4:34most if you can
4:36turn that reflection inwards
4:39mindfully that that's where you can
4:42become an adult in the relationship
4:44and that's the pathway to intimacy
4:48that's a difficult message dave on a bad
4:50day
4:51and an easier message on a good day
4:58what's that it's a tall order it is a
5:01tall order
5:02can you speak a little to our audience
5:04about that journey because i think it's
5:06so integral to the message in the book
5:09the invitation to reflect within in
5:11those moments when we would want to push
5:13it away from us
5:16it's basically becoming aware of our
5:19needs
5:21first and then our fears of having our
5:24needs fulfilled
5:27and i know that sounds contradictory but
5:29it's the irony
5:32that informs so many relationships
5:36we look like we're
5:39really wanting intimacy but at the same
5:41time we could be fearing
5:45that same intimacy because of what it
5:47entails
5:49which is becoming vulnerable letting
5:52ourselves be seen as we really are
5:55with all our warts and wounds
5:59and at the same time what you just said
6:04figures in so much that
6:08um we would look
6:12inside for
6:16the first take on what our needs are
6:21about
6:22rather than immediately going out
6:25and seeking instead we're
6:30asking ourselves what were our original
6:33needs
6:34and these are the what i call the five
6:36a's
6:38and then how am i
6:42disappointed that they weren't fulfilled
6:45originally
6:47by my parents we're asking ourselves
6:50how were my original needs fulfilled by
6:54my parents
6:55or not and
6:58am i simply looking for a partner to
7:01make up for what was missing
7:05because then that would be using
7:06somebody
7:08to step in
7:12and help us evade the actual
7:16work we need to do on ourselves and that
7:19work would be
7:20to grieve what we missed out on or to
7:23appreciate what we did receive
7:26and most of all to have
7:29learned how to give ourselves
7:34the fulfillment of these
7:37five specific needs that i identified
7:43and these five needs i call the 5a since
7:45the words all begin with a
7:48and it begins with
7:52how right at the beginning of life
7:55we needed 24 7
7:58attention somebody had to be attentive
8:03to our non-verbal cries
8:06for whatever our particular
8:09[Music]
8:11um material need was
8:14for instance
8:18i need to be fed i need to be changed
8:21i need to be held
8:25and
8:28when our parents tuned in
8:32on our needs and greeted them
8:35[Music]
8:37in a fulfilling way and even
8:40a pleased way
8:43we began the wonderful
8:46human process of learning to trust
8:53that i have been born into a world in
8:56which you can trust
8:58that you will be attended to and that
9:01your needs can be fulfilled
9:05and of course at the beginning that's
9:07100 of the time
9:10but when we become adults we realize
9:12that it kind of goes down to about 25
9:16from any one person otherwise we're
9:19being too
9:20needy so then
9:26since one of these needs was to be held
9:29that's our second need is the need for
9:31physical affection
9:33and now we even know that the brain
9:37doesn't form
9:38fully in the womb our green our
9:41our brains develop
9:45in accord with how much we're helped
9:50so that's the second need is affection
9:53which of course later in life could be
9:55confused with sex
9:57and it can include sex and hopefully
10:00will
10:01but it's not supposed to be a substitute
10:04for it
10:06then we started to show the particular
10:09personality characteristics that we were
10:11born with
10:14and we needed acceptance of us as we are
10:19rather than have who we are be greeted
10:23by people who thought we should be what
10:25they wanted
10:26us to be rather than what we actually
10:30were
10:32so that's a very central one
10:36to be accepted instead of
10:40[Music]
10:42having somebody try to form us into what
10:45we should
10:46be or have someone tolerate us
10:49yeah just tolerate rather than welcome
10:52us
10:53yeah and that's a good word to use like
10:57was our personality given hospitality
11:00in the home or was a homeless place for
11:03us
11:04holding space for it as opposed to
11:07uh there's something wrong with you and
11:10you know you wind up feeling shame
11:12yeah then of course
11:15um we wanted to
11:19get it that we were valued and
11:21appreciated now that they
11:23now that they know who we are they
11:26valued us
11:27so that's the fourth a appreciation
11:31when we started to show any form of
11:33independence
11:35including independent locomotion i'll
11:37give an example
11:40they were very happy with that
11:43and they not only welcomed it but
11:46encouraged it
11:49and that's called allowing they were
11:51allowing us
11:52to launch out
11:56and live in accord with our own choices
12:00so it happened first when we crawled
12:03across the floor
12:04instead of needing to be carried across
12:08and they were okay with that they didn't
12:10swoop us up
12:11and say i'll carry you across you don't
12:13have to crawl
12:15they allowed us to go
12:19and then they allowed us to go to school
12:20and then they allowed us to have our own
12:22opinions and then they allowed us
12:24to leave home all together it's all part
12:27of the launching experience
12:30and that i call allowing and the
12:32opposite of allowing is controlling
12:36so the opposite of attention is
12:40ignoring you the opposite of affection
12:44is a cold's distance
12:48the opposite of acceptance is rejection
12:53the opposite of appreciation is taking
12:55for granted
12:56and the opposite of allowing
13:00is controlling
13:03yeah thank you and so if you didn't
13:06receive these five days
13:09you would now not be blaming your
13:12parents
13:12for being inadequate you would simply be
13:15grieving that it didn't happen
13:20that's the healthy path out of childhood
13:24into adulthood and you'd be saying
13:27those five days which i instinctively
13:30knew i needed though i didn't know the
13:32names of them
13:33just my whole body knew that
13:37this is what was coming to me as a human
13:42when that didn't happen we will lament
13:46the loss and we will
13:50not try to get it from somebody else
13:54but first learn to give it to ourselves
13:56so i want to give myself those five a's
14:00when i have come through childhood
14:04having grieved what was missing or
14:06appreciated what was there
14:09and learned to give it to myself and
14:12reduced my expectation of what other
14:16adults will give me
14:19parenthesis they won't give me a hundred
14:21percent they'll give me
14:2325 at the most and that's sufficient
14:28when all that happens i'm ready for a
14:31relationship
14:34imagine not knowing this imagine
14:36thinking that
14:37oh i'm ready as soon as i feel
14:41like i'm in love that's being ready
14:45well my book tries to show that's not
14:48being ready
14:50being ready is becoming an adult first
14:54then you can have an adult relationship
15:00there is love but there's also
15:03but the two people who are loving each
15:05other are
15:07coming from work that they've done
15:11to ready themselves for relating
15:15and my other book is specifically on
15:17that topic
15:18it's called when the past is present
15:23title says it all yes it does i mean if
15:26the if your
15:27unfinished business with your parents
15:30is sitting between you and your partner
15:36uh you could never have true intimacy
15:40one of the things you say in the book
15:42and i'll make sure i get it right the
15:44commitment to work through problems as
15:45they arise
15:47is the only sign that we truly want full
15:50intimacy yeah
15:54when you made a commitment to work
15:55things out with each other
15:57to keep agreements with each other to
16:01do your own personal work
16:05to get you to be the best
16:08partner you can be that's how you know
16:11that you have a real commitment not the
16:14wedding ring or the big day
16:18yeah i mean the wedding ring is supposed
16:20to represent that
16:24you also talk about how the only issues
16:27that we treat matter of factly are those
16:29where we don't have an emotional hook or
16:31a wound from our past
16:33it's one of the things you speak about
16:34and then you suggest this model
16:36the city model could you chat with our
16:39audience a little bit about what that is
16:40and how that can be helpful for us
16:42having recognition of how we are playing
16:46our part
16:47in the drama that might be unfolding
16:49before us
16:52you mean when the when you have a
16:54conflict with the other person
16:55yeah or there might be just blaming them
16:58or might just be resentment
17:00it doesn't necessarily have them having
17:01to say anything there can be
17:03drama without their even knowing
17:06yes um
17:09first of all the drama thrives on
17:13[Music]
17:14um adrenaline
17:18whereas the true intimacy thrives on
17:21oxytocin
17:23that's our hormone of closeness and you
17:26know
17:27warm fuzzy feeling
17:30[Music]
17:31whereas some people are more drawn to
17:35uh keeping things at a fever pitch
17:38and it's always a big drama going on
17:41there's always a big conflict which
17:42can't be worked out
17:45and uh when you're doing that
17:49it you might ask yourself
17:52do i really want closeness or do i or
17:54would i
17:55am i actually just looking for
17:58um an uproar that will
18:02safeguard me from ever having to be
18:05vulnerable
18:07and one of my little uh humorous
18:11ways of expressing this is i
18:14say did you ever wonder
18:18why the 23rd song
18:23he makes me lie down in green pastures
18:25he leads me beside the still
18:28waters why that would be recited as a
18:31funeral
18:32but not at a wedding
18:35hello are we thinking
18:38peace and quiet is not what marriage is
18:42about
18:43that's only for when you're dead
18:46you get what i mean so
18:51for some people it's like that i mean
18:53they think that
18:55it's real if it's um
18:59painful and that's what that kind of a
19:02conflict is it's a form of pain
19:08but the other part of this is that
19:11when you really
19:14love it's more of a sense of serenity
19:20rather than drama
19:24we're not used to that because we've
19:25seen so many movies in which
19:28the high romance is characterized by
19:31all kinds of conflicts and difficulties
19:34and
19:36arguments and expectations and blame
19:40and we don't get it
19:43that we imagine it would be boring
19:47if everything were moving along smoothly
19:51i think we also miss
19:55the serenity you speak of which i
19:57consider intimacy
19:59when we're still thinking our five needs
20:02and five
20:02a's have to be fulfilled by that other
20:05person
20:06that can become addictive in itself we
20:08keep pursuing
20:09these five days desperately trying to
20:11get them back from the person without
20:13awareness
20:14i've done that unconsciously yes
20:17bringing into
20:18consciousness okay that which i seek i
20:20need to turn within
20:23that's harder dave that's scary it's so
20:27much easier to blame them or to pursue
20:29them for it
20:30because then i get to surrender the
20:32responsibility it comes
20:34to looking within
20:37exactly and you know
20:41most of us are doing just what you
20:44described and it's
20:48you know it just doesn't work treadmill
20:51that we can get on
20:52and especially if the other person's
20:54doing it with us as well that they think
20:56they've got to latch on to us for their
20:58five days unconsciously
21:00and we're trying to latch on to them and
21:02we're just going to be this sinking ship
21:04because
21:04neither of us knows yet that
21:08providing it for ourselves is the source
21:10of strength in the relationship
21:12which means we're going to be able to
21:14provide it in a mindful way
21:16rather than a desperate clingy needy way
21:19exactly can you speak to the three
21:22um to s-e-e i quite liked that um
21:26yeah i enjoyed that i that's been useful
21:29in our discussions
21:31i will talk about that but just before i
21:34do i wanted to get a quotation
21:37from a poem by samuel taylor coleridge
21:41a british poet and this is from his poem
21:45dejection and ode these two lines
21:49which summarize what you said before i
21:52may not hope from outward forms
21:56to win the passion
22:00and the life whose fountains are within
22:06that summarizes the idea that you
22:09brought up
22:10yeah hope for outward forms
22:14people out there to
22:17gain the wonderful
22:20lively passion that i haven't first
22:25found in the
22:28resources within myself most of us
22:32aren't taught to look within
22:34both of us are taught and trained to go
22:36outside of ourselves
22:38oh yes i know people who don't have an
22:40inner
22:41experience of themselves they don't know
22:43how to go within
22:45yeah it's all part of the
22:49commercial setting of society you know
22:52go out and buy things go out and get
22:54things
22:56i mean the more you find it within the
22:59less business will there be
23:01so anyway i want to go on to the c
23:05that you mentioned and it's a very good
23:07point
23:09um
23:09[Music]
23:13and by the way my most recent book is
23:14called triggers
23:16i have that i'm reading it now we
23:18trigger each other and i'll go more into
23:20detail on c in that book
23:22yes anyway um i come up with this
23:27way of asking yourself
23:31what is getting you so upset
23:35or reactive and
23:38i come up with a little acronym s-e-e
23:42shadow early life
23:45now i'm sorry shadow ego early life
23:50so when something happens you ask
23:52yourself three questions when you get
23:54upset
23:54or something is stuck in your craw
23:57continues to bother you
23:58you don't know why first
24:02is this is what i just encountered in
24:06that other
24:07encounter in that other person
24:10simply a shadow of my own
24:13personality am i seeing
24:17in how that person treated me the way i
24:21treat others so that's
24:25what jung called the shadow the hidden
24:27side of you
24:29that you project onto other people
24:32secondly
24:32is it my big fat ego
24:36and by this i mean the inflated arrogant
24:38ego not the healthy
24:40ego
24:45that has the inner resources no this
24:48would be the
24:49kind of um entitled part of us
24:54and uh is that
24:57what happened has my ego been bruised is
25:00that why i'm upset
25:03and then third is this a replay
25:06of something from early life
25:10so shadow is this what i usually do
25:14but don't get away with ego
25:17has this person dared to
25:20uh threaten my greatness
25:24or finally is this something that
25:28my parents might have done to me and
25:32it's re-traumatizing me now
25:38so when you ask yourself those three
25:39questions
25:41they're the alternative to blame
25:43immediately blaming the other person
25:46say wait a minute why am i so upset by
25:50this
25:52and let me ask myself first
25:56what part of me has been activated
26:00rather than how wrong the other person
26:03is
26:05and activation to me when jp and i find
26:08ourselves doing this
26:09we invite ourselves to slow down slowing
26:12things down
26:13really helps get out of the hook
26:16absolutely
26:18because drama thrives on speed
26:22because emotions come in faster than
26:24thinking mindfulness turns up afterwards
26:27yes yeah and so one and then the next
26:30part i wanted to
26:31have that flow into because i was
26:32fascinated by your whole chapter in the
26:34book on ego
26:35and face so i i hope i'm not putting
26:38your spot asking you to remember
26:40from thank you um
26:43this atkin and face so fear attachment
26:46control
26:47and entitlement i found that a wonderful
26:50way to check in with yourself
26:51one of the many things i like about your
26:53writing dave is that
26:55it's an invitation to explore and
26:57self-reflect
26:58rather than a bunch of things to go do
27:00it's it's an
27:01invitation for mindfulness to this is
27:04how you go within
27:06and i think that's so helpful because
27:07people don't know a lot of people don't
27:09know how to turn within
27:11they look within they feel pain they
27:12look within they feel
27:14tense they look within and they feel
27:15hooked they look within and they feel
27:17hot or the adrenaline
27:19but what you're doing is inviting us to
27:21reflect on what can help
27:23us heal those wounds and progress into
27:26adult intimacy
27:28and one of the ways i feel you do that
27:29is through your chapter on ego
27:32which i think was a really big chapter
27:34it wasn't a big in writing but it was
27:36has so many practices to bring us closer
27:39to
27:40our true selves and how to recognize
27:43when we're hooked
27:44in that entitlement could you speak a
27:46little bit to that
27:48yes uh and when you said face
27:52uh of course i got the idea from
27:55how the inflated ego part of us
27:58what we call the big ego um
28:03which isn't big at all really um
28:07how it loves to save face
28:12that's its main interest i have to save
28:15face i have to look
28:16good i can never look vulnerable
28:20or humble or certainly not humbled
28:25and so i took that word face and i
28:27thought i wonder
28:28what like four components of this big
28:31big
28:32ego might be and of course fear
28:35is number one it's the fear
28:39that you won't be acknowledged as you
28:42need to be
28:44that the rest of the world won't see
28:47how wonderful you are but it's also the
28:49fear
28:51that you won't be able to handle
28:55not being given the special treatment
28:58that you think you deserve
29:02so it seems like it's only a fear that
29:04you won't get what you want but it's
29:06also the fear that you won't be able to
29:09deal with the ordinary
29:13uh you know what hamlet calls
29:16the slings and arrows of outrageous
29:19fortune
29:22so ego begins it looks big but it's
29:25really
29:26very weak for me it
29:29seems it's fear of not
29:32being lovable or being acceptable
29:36yeah instead of facing that
29:39vulnerability
29:41yeah instead of a wall
29:44so we never have to deal with the
29:46question yeah
29:48it's the fear that i don't deserve those
29:50five a's
29:51and how ironic that here we would be
29:56covering up the very vulnerability that
29:59helps people love us so
30:02you know if it becomes perpetual
30:05yeah it ultimately is self-harming
30:08so it's fear and then
30:12attachment to being right controlled
30:15i have to control others and their
30:17behavior and finally entitlement
30:21i'm entitled to
30:24special treatment the ordinary
30:27conditions that everybody else has to
30:29face don't apply to me
30:32i'm above all that that's kind of an
30:34arrogance to it
30:37and this is that's
30:41the part of this other people won't like
30:45yeah and the and the dreaded treadmill
30:48we get on by being in that space
30:51we're never going to get the very thing
30:54we
30:54truly crave anyway
30:58yeah i think one of the quotations in
30:59the book that i've
31:01always remembered is um
31:06that i i i don't actually remember the
31:10actual quote but i'll
31:12give you the idea that
31:15my purpose in a relationship
31:18is not to gratify my ego or have you
31:22gratify my ego
31:24my spiritual purpose
31:27is to dispossess myself of ego
31:31to gratify our relationship
31:36see what a vast difference there is in
31:37those two amen
31:39with somebody who has to be right and
31:42who
31:43who's using the relationship to boost
31:45his ego
31:47that's the very opposite of success
31:51in intimacy and if you're with someone
31:54who's desperate to be
31:55loved they might put up with that
31:57thinking this is at least
31:59someone i can interact with and not
32:02realizing the depths of the intimacy
32:04that could be available
32:06yeah and it can't go there because they
32:08become trapped in their own loop
32:11and then i'm going to quote the book i
32:13thought this was
32:14one of your strongest statements uh ego
32:17is one of the most vicious enemies of
32:19intimacy
32:20that's really strong language there it
32:24seems it's a solo
32:25act that when we're in ego it's a solo
32:28act it doesn't
32:30everybody else is a bit player they're
32:32just supporting x
32:34for our starring role in how we have to
32:37bolster ourselves and i feel so
32:40exhausted when i imagine living that way
32:43there's an exhaustion about it just such
32:45weirdness
32:46it's definitely a form of pain yeah
32:50yes you like that and by the way it is a
32:53have to you see
32:55the ego you're describing is it operates
32:58on compulsion
33:00i can't help it
33:03i just have to be right it's not that i
33:06think i
33:06am right it's i have to be i have to be
33:10controlling
33:11i have to get what i'm entitled to
33:15it's it's i mean that's how your
33:17compassion
33:18comes in you're sorry that somebody is
33:22stuck that way in fact joseph campbell
33:25has a really
33:27wonderful definition of hell
33:30hell is being stuck in ego
33:33hell on earth yes the only place the
33:36only place that does exist
33:39and if somebody's putting effort into
33:41the neurology around building up
33:42having to be right and not being
33:45corrected
33:46and not being influenced by someone else
33:48that neurology takes on a life of its
33:50own
33:51and i picture that person the day when
33:54they
33:55face potentially not being right or they
33:58realize
33:59the facade they built that this is a
34:02house of cards
34:03there could be an ego collapse in this
34:05if they become
34:07aware inappropriately too quickly i'm
34:10not too sure what the language is
34:12of the facade they've built the
34:14shallowness of what they've built
34:16because it's all exterior
34:18surface shallowness that they're
34:20building there's no deep dive to self
34:22required
34:24yeah it would be a fear
34:27of going into the depths because in
34:30those depths
34:32you might find out about your own wounds
34:39and then having to face vulnerability
34:41which is just too much
34:42because that's that's what they've been
34:45trying to cover up
34:46let's talk a little bit about ways of
34:48navigating through this i loved every
34:50practice you provided in the ego section
34:53all of them
34:54um i've started at the beginning we're
34:55just making our way through the
34:56practices
34:57but around ego it was um
35:00transforming the need to be right and
35:02transforming justification
35:04there were many other practices and also
35:06letting go of blame
35:08if we can find that within us the
35:10ability to slow down
35:12and instead of saying that automatic
35:13triggered response blaming the others
35:16if we can just pause that and swallow
35:18that long enough
35:20something else may appear can you speak
35:23a little bit about some of the practices
35:25and how they can help someone get out of
35:27this solo act in a relationship
35:29and start moving towards adult intimacy
35:33well what you just brought up would be a
35:35good example but i do want to point
35:38one thing out along these lines
35:42now i'm more and more
35:45[Music]
35:47clear that this work
35:50on the ego is so enormous
35:54it requires a major turnaround in one's
35:58entire attitude
36:00toward oneself and others and so
36:03we want the kind of practices
36:07that help us give the five days to
36:10others
36:11when we have made that a commitment
36:15feel that it's a calling i want to be
36:18attentive
36:19acceptance affectionate appreciative and
36:22allowing
36:24toward my fellow humans all of them
36:28that is your most wonderful
36:32step out of ego because ego is the latin
36:35word for i
36:36yes and it's being stuck in eye
36:40instead of opening to we and those five
36:44days
36:45bring us to that awareness
36:49so i think that would be a most
36:51wonderful practice to
36:54engage in i can feel a tension for this
36:57person between
36:58okay i'm going to give the five a's and
37:00i to do that i have to surrender my
37:03compulsion
37:04i can feel a real tension would be
37:06within that person because the
37:07compulsion is going to be automatic and
37:09faster
37:10and the five days is very much a
37:13conscious
37:13mindful act where we need to slow down
37:18and then it's about trying to work out
37:19well what is acceptance in this moment
37:21what is
37:22appreciation this moment whereas
37:24everything else has been automatic and
37:25it's just so practiced so i know exactly
37:26how to
37:27cut that person down i know exactly how
37:29to get control or i know exactly how to
37:31manage the situation there's this whole
37:34library of works on how to maintain ego
37:37and this is just seems so fragile and
37:40precious in the beginning
37:41and it needs to be flamed and just
37:44gently
37:45gently nurtured so it can grow and i
37:47think that beginning phase
37:49is going to be a challenge and it's the
37:52time
37:53it takes and the repetition and the
37:56practice the daily practice
38:00well you've expressed it very
38:01beautifully
38:03that's exactly how i would see it yeah
38:06and i love how you've found so much in
38:09the book
38:10thank you i have um my first read
38:14was it was like a hose coming at me and
38:17i could only take a dribble
38:19[Laughter]
38:21then the second one oh okay i'm
38:24consuming a little bit more
38:26the third read i began to reflect
38:29in it more of my own mindfulness
38:33and now we're going through to working
38:34through the practices
38:36but the first read was i
38:40i understand cognitively the journeys
38:43within and i
38:44believe i've done work within but to
38:47hear so straightforwardly
38:5075 of your needs can be met by yourself
38:54[Laughter]
38:56well no it's it it's yourself and your
39:00um support system yes
39:03friends family work
39:06spirituality mother nature
39:10and yourself yes yes yeah
39:13um you stuck an ego again
39:16yep yes and i am i
39:20find myself needing to slow down
39:24more and more the more i appreciate the
39:27five days
39:28yeah the stillness the silence
39:32the pausing yeah all of that
39:35is what allows this to come through
39:38and in and to flourish there's no room
39:42in the speed for the five days to
39:44flourish
39:45or for the self-reflection right yeah
39:49so one of the things you said about uh
39:52transforming the ego
39:53is to let go of blame in those moments
39:56when we want to
39:57strike out and you also talk about the
39:59energy around anger
40:01anger is an easy energy it's a proactive
40:03energy it's a strong energy we can feel
40:06and tell ourselves we're strong in anger
40:09can you speak to the flip side of that
40:12and what we're
40:12searching for as we slow down and what
40:14it is we would prefer to seek
40:18you mean regarding anger yeah instead of
40:20blame and anger
40:22where can we go to within ourselves just
40:24we slow down and we tap into
40:26what what you're tapping into
40:30is in the very definition of anger
40:35and this is a good topic for us to be
40:37ending on
40:40that because it's so misunderstood
40:45anger is displeasure at being
40:50for at what you perceived
40:53as being treated unfairly
40:57so first of all if you were treated
41:00unfairly
41:02the first reaction is grief
41:06we skip that part we skip how sad we
41:09feel
41:10because it makes us too vulnerable and
41:13we switch
41:14into the other feature of grief
41:17the healthy feature which is
41:20a a dignified
41:24non-violent way of showing our anger
41:27showing our displeasure at injustice
41:31and instead we engage in abuse
41:36and in the book i have my chart that
41:39shows you the difference between the
41:40healthy anger
41:42and the
41:46dramatic theatrical version of it
41:50which is abusive and that's where the
41:53blame is
41:55that's where violence is that's where
41:59uh demanding that the other change is
42:04and i have my whole list there of all
42:06the ways that
42:08we imagine something to be angered
42:11when it isn't really when it's just
42:15um
42:19our own ego reacting
42:22with indignation
42:26and our purpose then
42:29is not to work through the anger
42:32into reconciliation but
42:35rather be stuck in the anger and act in
42:38retaliation
42:41and as soon as retaliation enters the
42:43relationship
42:44the favorite sport of ego retaliation
42:48[Music]
42:50all bets are off for intimacy
42:54as long as we're still trying to get
42:55back at someone we can't love
42:58that person or if we're trying to prove
43:00a point or prove our rights
43:03be stuck in proving a point
43:07uh okay to try to prove a point about
43:09politics or
43:10ideas or whatever no problem but when
43:13you just have to be right
43:16to justify yourself um
43:19there's no room for something different
43:21from intimacy
43:23yeah there's no room for the other
43:24person the other person gets crowded out
43:27by the resentment and by the blame so
43:29where do we go to instead
43:31how what would you suggest we shift to
43:34within ourselves if you find ourselves
43:36getting hooked in the usual pattern of
43:38anger or blame or justification where
43:41where do we go within instead it's an
43:44actual
43:45practice and in the book where you have
43:47that list of
43:49you know how to show anger in a healthy
43:51way
43:52you would um make a commitment
43:56to show anger that way
43:59instead of in the abusive way but most
44:02of all
44:03it's the mindful pause so that i can
44:06check into the
44:08grief elements in the anger
44:12and that's really going to
44:15make me uh gentler
44:19in how i handle things
44:23if we can appreciate that we're coming
44:25from a place of vulnerability and hurt
44:28instead of righteousness half the
44:31jobs done within yes what i'm really
44:34doing is too scared to express a hurt
44:36i'm too scared to express that i'm
44:38grieving right now
44:39so instead i'm going to turn on you so i
44:41don't have to face how i
44:42hurt yeah it makes me look smarter yeah
44:47i wanted to close with one of the ways i
44:50think about your book i
44:51love the mythological journey the hero's
44:53journey to redemption
44:54i really do and i see so strongly those
44:57elements in this book by design i'm sure
45:00the hero spends the first part of the
45:02movie or the story
45:04conquering the bad guys and searching
45:06for treasure and trying to get the guy
45:08or whatever it is it's all external
45:11and then the moment when the hero is
45:12truly transformed is they realize
45:15it was always within that which they
45:17sought outside was always within them
45:20to me i see such a beautiful
45:21mythological hero's journey
45:23and what you're inviting us to reflect
45:25on
45:27yeah that's the perfect way to put it
45:29and yes
45:30that's what it's about are you still
45:34working do you still practice
45:35as a therapist yes i'm still a
45:38psychotherapist and i'm still
45:40writing and um wonderful
45:43i'm happy to
45:47be able to do what i do i admire your
45:50work
45:51so much thank you so much that you've
45:54come on our show i know our audience uh
45:57will reflect on this and enjoy this dive
46:00so much the book
46:01is how to be an adult in relationships
46:03i'm also reading triggers
46:06and then i'm moving on to the third book
46:07that you mentioned uh the past
46:10can you remind me when the past is
46:11present when the past is present
46:14and by the way that's my email
46:17i mean that's my website if anybody is
46:20interested in
46:21yeah i was going to say how can we look
46:23into what you do
46:24how do we find you what's your website
46:27it's uh daverico.com
46:32d-a-v-e-r-i-c-h-o dot-com
46:35wonderful and that also has some um
46:39youtubes that you may want to watch yeah
46:41yeah i've been watching them in
46:42preparation for this i've been enjoying
46:44your work
46:46yeah thank you energy
46:49thank you for the wonderful questions
46:52yeah i very much appreciate you dave i
46:56really
46:56thank you so much it's been lovely to
46:58connect with you
47:00thanks a lot thank you
47:34[Music]
48:01[Music]
48:10you

About this transcript

This page contains the full transcript of How To Be An Adult In Relationships | #PERSPECTIVES with Sharon Pearson and David Richo by Remi (Sharon) Pearson, generated from the public captions YouTube serves with the video. The transcript has 5,884 words across 1,068 segments, with the original timestamps preserved so you can click any line to jump to that moment in the embedded player.

What you can do with it

Use the transcript to take notes, quote the speaker, build a study guide, generate a summary with ChatGPT or Claude via the YouTube Summary tool, or export it as a timed subtitle file with YouTube to SRT. You can also re-open it in the transcriber to translate the transcript into 100+ languages.

Free YouTube transcript tool

YouTube2Text is a free YouTube transcript generator — no signup, no daily limit. Paste any YouTube link and get the full transcript instantly, with timestamps, click-to-jump, translation to 100+ languages, AI prompts for ChatGPT, Claude, and Gemini, and exports to TXT, SRT, VTT, or Markdown.