How to Be a Great Listener | Maegan Stephens, Nicole Lowenbraun | TED — Transcript

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1. 0:03Maegan Stephens: Have you ever wanted to say to your boss,
2. 0:06"Stop talking, you're not listening to me."
3. 0:09Nicole Lowenbraun: I've actually said that to her face.
4. 0:11NS: Yep, I am her boss.
5. 0:13And obviously, I didn't fire her.
6. 0:16ML: We were locked away in a rental house on a writing retreat,
7. 0:19all out of snacks,
8. 0:20behind on the deadline for our very first book about listening,
9. 0:24so, you know, super low-stress situation.
10. 0:27MS: I wanted us to make up time and try to hit the deadline.
11. 0:30NL: And I wanted us to fix the section we had just written
12. 0:33because it was not good enough.
13. 0:35But every time I brought it up, Maegan rushed past it
14. 0:37until finally I snapped,
15. 0:39"Stop talking, you're not listening to me."
16. 0:41MS: Yeah, OK, listen, I was listening, obviously.
17. 0:43I was not scrolling on my phone, and I wasn’t multitasking.
18. 0:47But there was something else I wasn't doing,
19. 0:49and it took us three years of researching the way great leaders, managers,
20. 0:54individual contributors listen to figure it out.
21. 0:57NL: We asked the question, what makes someone a great listener at work?
22. 1:01Across dozens of interviews,
23. 1:03we heard things like,
24. 1:04"My manager is a great listener
25. 1:06because she gets just as excited about my big wins as I do."
26. 1:09MS: "My work wife is a great listener because she tells me
27. 1:13when it's time to stop whining and to get back to work."
28. 1:16Now we took all these answers,
29. 1:18we wrote them out on brightly-colored sticky notes,
30. 1:20spread them across the dining room table,
31. 1:22put them into groups, and that's when it hit us.
32. 1:25NL: It's not that people weren't listening at work,
33. 1:27it's that there's more than one way to be a great listener at work.
34. 1:31Great listeners flex,
35. 1:32they shift, they adapt what's going on in their head and what they say back.
36. 1:37Because yes, responding is absolutely part of listening.
37. 1:40MS: And anyone can learn to be a great listener.
38. 1:43You just have to stop listening the way you want
39. 1:45and start listening the way they need.
40. 1:48We call it adaptive listening,
41. 1:50and when you do it, you build more trust,
42. 1:52you get better results and you get it all faster.
43. 1:54And you could start doing it right now.
44. 1:57NL: Now some of you might be thinking, wait, do you mean active listening?
45. 2:01No, not quite.
46. 2:02Don't get us wrong, active listening is valuable.
47. 2:05But it was created in the 1950s for therapists and counselors,
48. 2:10not for a busy back-to-back workday with constant pings,
49. 2:14talking up, down, across, virtually and in-person.
50. 2:17MS: Yeah, work happens a lot faster than therapy.
51. 2:20Maybe you know that, we know that, you can trust us.
52. 2:22And also, there's a lot more interruptions at work.
53. 2:25And it's the goals that are the biggest difference
54. 2:27between active and adaptive listening.
55. 2:30At work,
56. 2:31every time someone talks to you,
57. 2:33they have a goal they're trying to achieve,
58. 2:35whether it's in the mid-morning sync or it's in the quarterly business review,
59. 2:39or it’s just small talk -- all over the place,
60. 2:41there is always a goal they are trying to meet.
61. 2:44NL: Now don't worry, there are not infinite goals for you to learn.
62. 2:47Adaptive listening narrows it down to just four.
63. 2:50And the first one might surprise you
64. 2:52because it doesn't sound like the active listening
65. 2:54you might be used to.
66. 2:55We call it discern listening, and here's how it plays out.
67. 2:59MS: I was once coaching an executive
68. 3:01who had to give a big, huge, main stage keynote.
69. 3:03And during the rehearsal, he was giving his talk,
70. 3:05and there were 17 other people from his team in the room.
71. 3:09And I heard him say this phrase 22 times, I counted.
72. 3:13The phrase went like this:
73. 3:15"It's not just X, it's Y."
74. 3:17Like, "It's not just more speed, it's more potential."
75. 3:21NL: Now, Megan and I love contrast framing as a writing tool,
76. 3:24but she was concerned that people would assume AI wrote his talk
77. 3:28because all over social media at the time, people were freaking out about that.
78. 3:32"AI is overusing contrast framing."
79. 3:35MS: So I said that out loud and he sighed,
80. 3:38looked at the ground and went,
81. 3:40"I did have AI write this talk."
82. 3:43Yeah, so good thing for him and his team I was using discern listening.
83. 3:48NL: Sometimes at work you have to critique and evaluate.
84. 3:51If you don't, the product could flop, the campaign could fail,
85. 3:55the client relationship could fracture.
86. 3:57But if that kind of listening makes you feel uneasy, that is OK.
87. 4:00The next one might make you feel more comfortable.
88. 4:03We call it immerse listening.
89. 4:05MS: So think back to the first week at your job.
90. 4:08You probably went through orientation
91. 4:10where you learned about the company mission,
92. 4:12the org structure, how to set up your tech.
93. 4:15What the orientation leader needed was for you to understand
94. 4:18and remember what they said.
95. 4:20NL: You know what they didn't need you to do?
96. 4:22They didn't need you to raise your hand and say,
97. 4:24“I think this mission needs a rewrite.”
98. 4:26Or, “This org structure? It’s not working for me.”
99. 4:28That would be discern listening.
100. 4:30MS: Yeah, that would also be very rude to do your first week at a new job.
101. 4:33Immerse listening is the closest to active listening,
102. 4:36because there are plenty of times at work
103. 4:38where you just need to soak in all the details,
104. 4:41as long as you actually remember what you were supposed to remember.
105. 4:44NL: But again, immerse listening is just one of the ways
106. 4:47you need to listen at work.
107. 4:48What about those meetings where time is running out,
108. 4:51everybody is still debating, and somebody’s got to make a decision?
109. 4:54MS: Yeah, that is when the person or the group needs advance listening.
110. 4:58That's listening with a goal of moving people, projects, processes forward.
111. 5:03So that's listening with a mind of OK, what has to happen next?
112. 5:06Not listening for what's working or not working, that's discern,
113. 5:09not listening for what do I need to remember, that's immerse.
114. 5:13NL: When you know someone is struggling
115. 5:15and they're up against a deadline,
116. 5:16you can listen and respond in a way that helps them get unstuck.
117. 5:20And sometimes, sometimes that means you can interrupt them.
118. 5:24Are you shocked we just told you great listeners sometimes interrupt?
119. 5:27MS: Nicole and I were in more of a working session type meeting,
120. 5:30we were putting together a recommendation that we wanted to pitch our executives,
121. 5:34and we cared a lot about it.
122. 5:35We really wanted to get it right, we were working up to the last minute,
123. 5:39but something just wasn't clicking.
124. 5:41NL: We were in a virtual meeting, and I ended up with my head in my hands,
125. 5:44and I said, "Oh, Maegan, this argument just --"
126. 5:46MS: Flip the order of the main points!
127. 5:48Yep, I interrupted her right then and there, and she wasn’t mad at me.
128. 5:52She was relieved because instead of nodding and going
129. 5:54"Oh man, I know, isn't this frustrating?"
130. 5:57I read the room.
131. 5:59I helped her get unstuck,
132. 6:00and there are plenty of times at work where you are in high-energy,
133. 6:03high-action meetings
134. 6:05where everybody is ready to get to the finish line.
135. 6:07NL: But there are also plenty of times at work
136. 6:10where people don't need you to move forward with such urgency.
137. 6:13They don't need you to remember every single detail
138. 6:15or find all the risks.
139. 6:17Like what if the team is celebrating a big win
140. 6:20or somebody has some bad news to share?
141. 6:22That's where the fourth goal comes in and it comes with a twist.
142. 6:26MS: So Nicole and I, as direct report-manager,
143. 6:28have multiple weekly one-on-ones.
144. 6:31She came to me in a one-on-one
145. 6:32after she had finished her own client meeting,
146. 6:35where she had pitched to an executive
147. 6:37three different creative ways he could open up his presentation.
148. 6:40And Nicole, what was the feedback you got on that from the client?
149. 6:44NL: "Nicole it's not that I don't like them,
150. 6:46it's that I hate them.
151. 6:48They're all tied for last place."
152. 6:51MS: Yeah, so, OK, I'm a department head,
153. 6:52I care a lot about keeping clients happy,
154. 6:54but I also care about Nicole,
155. 6:56and I know she has a track record of getting it right.
156. 6:59So in a split second, I made a call to say,
157. 7:01"Whoa, you must have felt so thrown."
158. 7:04NL: And in that split second,
159. 7:05Megan gave me exactly what I needed: support listening.
160. 7:09She didn't rush in to fix it, she didn't scold me,
161. 7:12she didn't probe me with more questions.
162. 7:14She validated my emotions.
163. 7:17And don't worry, the client liked my revisions.
164. 7:19MS: Yeah, that is not the big reveal.
165. 7:21It's this: support listening is the only type of listening
166. 7:24that you need to do every single time you listen at work,
167. 7:28even when the person has you with the goal of, I need you to discern
168. 7:32or I need you to immerse or I need you to advance,
169. 7:34they always need you to support.
170. 7:36NL: A nod of appreciation, a heavy sigh to match theirs,
171. 7:40sometimes that's all it takes.
172. 7:41And sometimes they just need you to sit with them.
173. 7:44MS: So when you take these four goals and you move them into this order,
174. 7:48they spell the word "said."
175. 7:50Because at work, you are always listening to what is said
176. 7:53and even what's not said.
177. 7:55NL: Ready for a bonus?
178. 7:57You’re already really good at meeting one of these goals,
179. 8:00because just like there are four goals,
180. 8:02there are four listening styles, and they have the same names.
181. 8:06MS: All right, so the goals: support, advance, immerse, discern,
182. 8:09that's what someone needs from you.
183. 8:11The styles: support, advance, immerse, discern,
184. 8:14that is the way you naturally listen.
185. 8:17So here's where it gets interesting.
186. 8:18Now when you know someone’s goal, you get to decide:
187. 8:21am I going to listen the way that's easier for me,
188. 8:23or am I going to adapt to help them meet their needs?
189. 8:26NL: You might have already spotted your SAID listening style,
190. 8:29but if not, let's go through each one.
191. 8:30You might be a support listener if you’re listening in a group
192. 8:33and you get frustrated when not every voice gets a chance to contribute.
193. 8:37And that's because support listeners prioritize other people's emotions,
194. 8:42so they want every voice in the room to be heard.
195. 8:45MS: You might be an advance listener
196. 8:46if you get frustrated when you get to the end of the meeting
197. 8:49and no one’s made a decision.
198. 8:51Or everyone’s looking around going, so what’s next?
199. 8:54That is because advance listeners prioritize forward momentum.
200. 8:57And for better or worse, that is me.
201. 9:00NL: You might be an immerse listener
202. 9:02if you get frustrated when people start jumping in and offering options
203. 9:06before all of the context and background has been shared.
204. 9:10And that's because immerse listeners prioritize the content,
205. 9:13so they want the full picture.
206. 9:15MS: And you might be a discern listener
207. 9:17if you get frustrated when people jump to solutions a little too quickly.
208. 9:21And that is because discern listeners prioritize evaluation.
209. 9:25They want to spot all the pitfalls before they give the yes.
210. 9:28That's Nicole.
211. 9:29NL: That's me.
212. 9:30Sometimes I get a reputation for being a naysayer,
213. 9:33but I swear, I have noble intentions
214. 9:35because I want to make sure we don't fall face-first
215. 9:37into a dark hole no one saw coming.
216. 9:39MS: So sometimes your SAID listening style
217. 9:41matches up perfectly with the goals, listening is very easy.
218. 9:44But most of the time you have to learn how to adapt
219. 9:47to meet someone else's need.
220. 9:48NL: So the fresh-out-of-college new hire
221. 9:50knows when it's appropriate to have small talk with that customer
222. 9:54to build the relationship
223. 9:55and when it's time to move forward and make the ask to make the sale.
224. 10:00MS: So that people leaders know when everyone on the team
225. 10:03is already on the same page, and we can rush ahead.
226. 10:05And when they are too tired or angry to be productive anymore,
227. 10:09no matter what they might have said to your face.
228. 10:13NL: Great listeners, adaptive listeners
229. 10:15know how to process and respond in the right way,
230. 10:18at the right time
231. 10:19for the person speaking to them.
232. 10:21MS: Yeah, OK, so the opposite of the way I listened to Nicole
233. 10:24on our writing retreat.
234. 10:26I was pushing us forward to meet a deadline
235. 10:29that didn't really matter.
236. 10:30I needed to be less advance and more discern.
237. 10:33NL: And I could have done better, too.
238. 10:34I could have said, "Maegan, I know you're concerned about this deadline,
239. 10:38I am, too, but, you know, we really have to rewrite this section.
240. 10:41So let's either do that now or make some time for it later."
241. 10:44MS: That would have been much kinder.
242. 10:46But, you know, we hadn't written the book yet,
243. 10:48so we weren't wise and we were out of snacks,
244. 10:50so we are going to give each other a pass.
245. 10:52NL: Because being a great listener at work is hard.
246. 10:54Work is messy, people are messy, you are all messy.
247. 10:57But at least now you'll know why that meeting got heated,
248. 11:01why that project stalled,
249. 11:03why that one-on-one felt just a little bit off.
250. 11:05MS: And with just a little bit of practice,
251. 11:07you'll get it right the first time.
252. 11:09You'll listen the way your leaders, your direct reports, your customers,
253. 11:13maybe even your partners and your parents, need.
254. 11:16You’ll give them what they need,
255. 11:18And all you’ve got to do is ask yourself one question first.
256. 11:21What does this person need from me right now?
257. 11:24That's it.
258. 11:25NL: That's enough to stop listening the way you want
259. 11:28and start listening the way they need.
260. 11:31Want more trust and better, faster results at work?
261. 11:35Your next opportunity to be a great adaptive listener
262. 11:37is just one meeting,
263. 11:39one presentation
264. 11:40or one writing retreat away.
265. 11:42MS: Thank you.
266. 11:43(Applause)