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How to Articulate Your Thoughts More Clearly Than 99% of People — Transcript

by Charles Duhigg · 2,587 words · 391 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00Okay, so let me ask you a question. Have
0:01you ever told someone exactly what you
0:03needed clearly in plain English and they
0:04just didn't seem to hear you? Or you
0:07walk out of a conversation thinking, you
0:08know, that came out all wrong even
0:10though you're pretty sure you said all
0:12the right words. I spent years reporting
0:14on this. I interviewed CIA recruiters
0:16and jury consultants, the researchers
0:18who put people in brain scanners while
0:19they talked to each other, and I won a
0:21Pulitzer Prize and wrote a whole book
0:23about communication. And despite [music]
0:24that, I still make all these
0:25conversational mistakes myself
0:27sometimes. But what all that reporting
0:29taught me is that being articulate is
0:31not actually about the words that you
0:33use. Most miscommunication happens for
0:36one specific but invisible reason. And
0:38if you can see it, you can fix any
0:40conversation. So, let me show you how.
0:42The invisible reason we talk past each
0:44other. So, let's start this in my
0:46kitchen where before I started writing
0:48Supercommunicators, I found myself
0:50falling into this bad pattern with my
0:51wife again and again. I would come home
0:53from a long day at work and I'd start
0:54complaining about my boss, that no one
0:56recognizes what a genius I am, and then
0:59my wife, who's a very reasonable person,
1:01she would give me some genuinely good
1:02advice like, "Oh, why don't you take
1:04your boss out to lunch and you guys can
1:05get to know each other a little bit
1:06better." And instead of being able to
1:08hear her advice, I'd get even more
1:10upset. I'd say like, "Why aren't you
1:11supporting me? You're supposed to be on
1:12my side." And then she would get upset
1:14because from where she was sitting, she
1:16just tried to help me out and I was
1:18attacking her for it. The problem was
1:20that we were having two different kinds
1:22of conversations at the same time. I was
1:24having an emotional conversation and so
1:25I didn't want a solution. I wanted her
1:27to be outraged on my behalf. But she was
1:30having a practical conversation. She was
1:31saying, "Here's the problem, here's a
1:33solution, let's move forward." And these
1:35are both very reasonable conversations,
1:37but they're in completely different
1:39languages. And that's the pattern. When
1:41we fail to connect with someone, when we
1:42tell them what we need and they don't
1:44seem to actually hear us, it's usually
1:46not because we've said the wrong thing.
1:48It's because we're having different
1:49kinds of conversations and we don't
1:51realize it. In my reporting for
1:53Supercommunicators, I found that just
1:55about every discussion falls into one of
1:58three buckets. There are these practical
2:00conversations, right? Where we're
2:01asking, "What's this really about?"
2:03We're making plans together, we're
2:04solving problems, we're weighing
2:06choices. But then there's also emotional
2:08conversations, right? How do I feel?
2:10Where I tell you what I'm feeling, and I
2:12don't want you to solve my feelings. I
2:15want you to listen to me, to empathize,
2:17not to hand me a to-do list. And then
2:19finally, there's social conversations.
2:21Who are we? Which is about our
2:22identities, our relationships, how we
2:24relate to each other and to society at
2:25large. And here's the thing that
2:27surprised me most. These conversations
2:29shift, sometimes minute to minute, and
2:31they hide inside each other. So, let's
2:33say that you're at a work meeting about
2:35budgets, right? And that sounds like a
2:36practical conversation. It's all about
2:38numbers on a page. But then a colleague
2:40says something like, "I'm really
2:41concerned about getting this budget
2:42right, because if we don't, we're going
2:44to have to lay people off. And honestly,
2:46I'm super anxious about that. I don't
2:47want that to happen." Listen to the
2:49actual words that person is saying.
2:50>> [music]
2:51>> Concerned, anxious, worried. What that
2:54person is telling you is that they are
2:55in an emotional mindset. They're telling
2:57you how they feel. And if you respond
2:59with a spreadsheet, or you start talking
3:01about numbers, you're going to fail. And
3:04not because what you're saying is wrong,
3:06but because you're answering a question
3:08they didn't ask. What works much better
3:10is to match them first. To say something
3:12like, "I hear you. I feel the exact same
3:14way. And we have to get this right so
3:17that we don't have to lay off anyone, so
3:18we don't have to hurt the people we care
3:19about." And once you said that, once
3:21you've matched them on the emotional
3:22conversation, then you can say, "With
3:24that in mind, is it okay if we look at
3:25these numbers together?" What happened
3:27there is that you met them in their
3:28conversation. You matched them, and then
3:30you moved to a new conversation
3:33together. What articulate actually
3:34means. Now, at the top of this video, I
3:37said clarity isn't about your
3:38vocabulary. It's about the other
3:40person's brain. Here's what I meant by
3:41that. There's a study that I love from
3:43Princeton, where researchers put this
3:45young woman in a brain scanner, and they
3:46had her tell this long complicated story
3:49about her prom night. And then they
3:50scanned the brains of about a dozen
3:52people listening to her tell that story.
3:54And what they saw was really
3:55interesting. The listeners' brains
3:57started to synchronize with the
3:59speaker's brain. The same regions
4:01started lighting up. The same feelings
4:02of stress and humor at nearly exactly
4:05the same moments. From their brains, it
4:06was almost as if they were telling this
4:08story together. What's more, the
4:10listeners whose brains synced up the
4:12most were the ones who understood the
4:14story best. They remembered more
4:16details. They could describe the
4:17characters more clearly. The researchers
4:19later wrote that the extent of that
4:21neural coupling literally predicted
4:23whether communication succeeded. In
4:25other words, when we're in a good
4:27conversation with someone, the activity
4:29inside our brains, it becomes more and
4:31more similar. That's why sometimes it
4:32feels like you're sharing the same
4:34thought as someone just as they say it.
4:36And neuroscientists have a special
4:37phrase for this. They call this becoming
4:39neurally entrained. I just think of it
4:41as getting on the same wavelength. So,
4:43when someone gets you, when you feel
4:45like you've been completely understood,
4:47your brains at that moment, they're
4:48starting to look alike. Which means
4:50being articulate isn't a performance.
4:52You can't sound your way into someone's
4:54head with impressive words. Rather,
4:56connecting with someone is about using
4:58the same parts of your brain at the same
5:00time. Because if I'm having an emotional
5:02conversation and I'm using, say, the
5:04amygdala, the that part of in the center
5:06of my skull, and you're having a
5:07practical conversation, you're using
5:09your prefrontal cortex, that area that's
5:11right behind the forehead, then it's
5:13hard for our brains to sync up. It's
5:14hard for us to become neurally entrained
5:16because we're using different parts of
5:18our brains. We're like two ships passing
5:20in the night. But when we have the same
5:22kind of conversation at the same moment,
5:24then it's easier for us to connect.
5:26Being understood happens when you're in
5:28the same kind of conversation as the
5:31other person. Because that's what lets
5:32your brains align. And that leads to the
5:34one rule that I hope you take away from
5:36this video. It's called the matching
5:37principle. What it says is that to
5:39communicate, you first have to recognize
5:41what kind of conversation is happening.
5:43And then you have to match it or invite
5:44the other person to match you. If
5:46someone's emotional, meet them
5:48emotionally. If they're in a
5:49problem-solving mode, get practical.
5:51Match first, and then move together to
5:54different kinds of conversations,
5:56second. I'm going to say it again
5:57because it's the reason I made this
5:58video. Figure out what kind of
6:00conversation you're in, and then match
6:02the other person or invite them to match
6:04you. So, how do you actually do this?
6:06How do you figure out what conversation
6:08you're in? The simplest way actually
6:10sounds almost too simple. You just ask
6:11someone. You could say something like,
6:13"Do you want me to help you solve this
6:14problem or or do you just need to vent
6:15and get it off your chest?" That's it.
6:17That's the one question that saved me
6:19more evenings at home than anything else
6:21I learned in 4 years of reporting. Some
6:22schools actually teach teachers to
6:24[music] do this. They tell a teacher,
6:25"Look, if a student comes up and they
6:26want to talk about something important,
6:27ask them, 'Do you want to be helped? Do
6:30you want to be hugged? Or do you want to
6:31be heard?'" Because helped is a
6:33practical conversation, and hugged is an
6:35emotional conversation, and heard is a
6:37social conversation. And 7-year-olds and
6:39teachers, they know how to say, "Do you
6:41want to be helped, hugged, or heard?"
6:42They know what they want. [music]
6:44But that question is hard for an adult
6:46to ask in a workplace, right? So,
6:49there's another way of figuring out what
6:51kind of conversation we're having, what
6:52the other person needs. And that's by
6:54asking a deep question. Deep questions
6:56are things that ask about someone's
6:57values or beliefs or experiences,
6:59instead of just the facts of their life.
7:01And basically any question can become a
7:03deep question. Let's say you see Jim at
7:06work on Monday morning and you say, "How
7:07was your weekend?" He says, "Oh, great.
7:09I went bike riding." Now, most people
7:10will stop there, but you could say
7:12something like, "Oh man, I know you love
7:13bike riding. What do you love about it?
7:15That's really interesting. What kind of
7:16trail?" You've just invited them to say
7:18something real to you. Or let's say you
7:20ask someone, "Where do you live?" And
7:21they say, "Oh, I live up in the
7:22heights." Then a deep follow question is
7:23to say, "Oh yeah, what what do you like
7:24about the heights?" Now they're talking
7:26about the fact that they they really
7:27value community or they really value
7:29being close to nature. Now you're having
7:31a real conversation. That's the entire
7:32trick. Why questions are the questions
7:35that matter the most. When my wife comes
7:37home frustrated about a coworker, I
7:38might ask, "I know you this guy really
7:40drives you crazy, but it seems like he
7:42really got you today. Why do you think
7:44that is? What I'm actually asking is,
7:46what do you need from this conversation?
7:48And her answer tells me whether to bring
7:49solutions or sympathy. If in doubt, ask
7:52a question that starts with why, and it
7:54will be a deep question. And there's one
7:55more version of this, and it's my
7:56favorite one because it comes with data.
7:58In this one study, researchers studied a
8:00group of investment bankers at a firm
8:02where meetings routinely turned into
8:04screaming matches. The researchers' fix
8:07was almost comically small. Before each
8:08meeting, they told everyone to write one
8:11sentence describing what they wanted out
8:14of the conversation. Write down
8:15something like, "We're getting together
8:17to agree on the budget." Or, "This is a
8:19meeting where we can all air our
8:20complaints." Then, all the people went
8:22into their meetings, and the verbal
8:24fights stopped almost across the board
8:26in just 1 week. People still disagreed
8:28with each other. They were still
8:28bankers, and they could be jerks to each
8:30other, but they walked out of that those
8:32meetings feeling heard because everyone
8:34knew what conversation they were trying
8:36to have before they opened their mouths.
8:38And you don't need to write anything
8:40down. But, before your next important
8:42conversation, take 10 seconds and just
8:45finish this sentence in your head. The
8:46reason I'm opening my mouth is because
8:49and if you can't finish it yet, you're
8:51not ready to talk. Okay.
8:53So, you asked the deep question. You're
8:54trying to match the other person. How do
8:56you know if it's working? Well, you
8:58should look at two channels. You should
8:59look at their body,
9:01and you should look at their words. When
9:02it comes to the body, is the person
9:03you're talking to, are they making eye
9:04contact with you? Are they leaning
9:06towards you? Are they nodding and
9:07smiling? Or do they have their arms
9:10crossed and their shoulders turned away
9:12like this? They're not looking at you.
9:14They're looking everywhere else in the
9:15room. You already read these signals
9:17unconsciously, right? You notice them.
9:19The move is to notice them on purpose.
9:21And then, pay attention to their words.
9:24Are they talking about plans and
9:25logistics and options? Well, then
9:27they're probably in a practical mindset.
9:29Or, are they using feeling words?
9:30[music] Are they saying things like,
9:31"I'm really worried." Or, "I'm excited."
9:33Or, "I'm frustrated." Or, "I'm anxious."
9:34That means that they're in an emotional
9:35mindset. No matter what the topic sounds
9:37like. Remember the budget example.
9:40Sometimes we talk about budgets and it's
9:42actually an emotional conversation. And
9:43here's one counterintuitive sign that
9:45this conversation is going well. People
9:47will interrupt you. In really good
9:49conversations, people finish each
9:51other's thoughts or they jump in. Not
9:52because they want to steamroll each
9:54other or steal the spotlight, but
9:55because they're anticipating where
9:56you're going. That's two brains running
9:58slightly ahead of the words, being
10:00connected to each other. If you
10:01interrupt constantly, you're a jerk. But
10:03if you have a little bit of eager
10:05overlap, usually that means you're
10:06synced up. And I want to give you one
10:09small permission, since we're talking
10:11about daily life, which is you do not
10:13have to talk to everyone. There's this
10:15idea, especially at work, that you owe
10:17everyone a hello or a little chat.
10:20[music]
10:21But you can pass someone in the hallway
10:22in comfortable silence and nobody's
10:24offended. What actually leaves people
10:25unsatisfied is when every interaction
10:27stays at the surface level, when you
10:29never say anything real. A few real
10:31conversations, they can beat 50 hallway
10:34greetings. So, how do you articulate
10:36your thoughts more clearly than 99% of
10:38other people? Mostly by doing something
10:3999% of other people never do. Before you
10:42worry about the words you're using, the
10:44words coming out of your mouth, figure
10:45out what kind of conversation you're
10:47actually in. Is it a practical
10:48conversation, an emotional conversation,
10:50or a social conversation? And then ask a
10:52deep question to find out. Then match
10:54that person in the kind of conversation
10:56they're having and then move through the
10:57different conversations together. And
10:59I'm not going to promise you that this
11:01will immediately transform your life. I
11:02wrote the book about communication and I
11:04still sometimes get into these dumb
11:05arguments with my wife. But now we know
11:07how to stop those fights when they
11:09emerge. By figuring out what kind of
11:11conversation we want to have. And so the
11:13next hard conversation you have will go
11:15a little better if you do the same
11:16thing. And then the one after that. And
11:18that compounds into something real.
11:19People start walking away from you
11:21thinking, they really get it. That
11:22person really heard me. Which is what
11:24being articulate was always actually
11:26about. I write about this every week in
11:28my newsletter, The Science of Better.
11:29The link is right below and it's free.
11:31And if you want to know what a CIA
11:32recruiter taught me about getting total
11:34strangers to open up, that video is
11:36right here.

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