How some friendships last — and others don’t - Iseult Gillespie — Transcript

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1. 0:06In a 2008 study,
2. 0:08psychologists asked participants to rate the steepness of a hill.
3. 0:12Those who were accompanied by a good friend
4. 0:15judged the hill to be less steep than people who were alone.
5. 0:20This is just one of many ways friendships can change how we see and move
6. 0:24through the world.
7. 0:25Friendships can boost our academic performance,
8. 0:28help us deal with setbacks, and even improve our health.
9. 0:32And the relationships we form in our childhood and teenage years
10. 0:36can shape our beliefs, values, and emotional growth.
11. 0:40It's clear that friendships are important,
12. 0:43but making and maintaining friends isn't always easy.
13. 0:47Let's start at the beginning.
14. 0:48If you struggle with approaching new people, you are far from alone.
15. 0:52In a series of studies, participants had conversations of varying lengths
16. 0:56with strangers.
17. 0:58Afterward, they were asked to estimate how much they thought
18. 1:01each stranger liked them.
19. 1:03Across the board, participants rated their own likability
20. 1:07much lower than others had actually rated them.
21. 1:10Scientists dubbed this tendency to underestimate how much others
22. 1:14enjoy our company as the “liking gap.”
23. 1:17So, before meeting new people,
24. 1:19it may be helpful to psych yourself up
25. 1:22and remember that others like you more than you think.
26. 1:26You may even want to enter these conversations assuming
27. 1:29that the other person will like you.
28. 1:31Known as the “acceptance prophecy,”
29. 1:34psychologists find that when people expect to be well-liked,
30. 1:37they often unknowingly come across as warmer and friendlier.
31. 1:42And the more new people you meet, the more confident you’ll likely feel.
32. 1:47In one study, people who talked to just one new person each day for a week
33. 1:52reported feeling less afraid of rejection,
34. 1:55more secure in their conversational skills,
35. 1:57and more excited to meet new people overall.
36. 2:01Next, what’s happening when relationships grow from casual acquaintances
37. 2:05to confidants?
38. 2:07Psychologists have identified two key features of more intimate friendships:
39. 2:12companionship and closeness.
40. 2:14Companionship is defined as the rapport or understanding
41. 2:18that blooms between people with similar hobbies, interests, or values.
42. 2:22Sometimes, just being in the same class or team is enough
43. 2:26to build this connection.
44. 2:27And companionship has many benefits—
45. 2:30it’s been shown to improve self-esteem and increase our resilience to stress.
46. 2:36Closeness, on the other hand, looks different for every relationship.
47. 2:40It might mean supporting each other through difficult times
48. 2:44or feeling comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings.
49. 2:47But not every friendship has to get deeply personal, especially at first.
50. 2:52Simply telling a friend about your day or sharing your interests
51. 2:55can help build closeness.
52. 2:57While every friendship develops on its own timeline,
53. 3:00consistency can help,
54. 3:02which can include sticking to plans, chatting regularly,
55. 3:06and remembering the things that are important to each other.
56. 3:09This holds true even for long-distance friendships.
57. 3:12Chatting and texting can keep these relationships strong—
58. 3:16as long as they remain intimate, trusting, and consistent.
59. 3:21Yet even the closest friendships hit rough patches.
60. 3:24This is especially true for teenage friendships,
61. 3:27when people often navigate different types of challenges for the first time.
62. 3:31For example, there might be a situation that puts two friends in competition—
63. 3:36like applying to the same college.
64. 3:38One might betray the other's confidence or make a hurtful comment.
65. 3:43And these relationships can also falter when one person feels unable or unwilling
66. 3:48to support the other through challenging situations—
67. 3:51like breakups, illnesses, or personal tragedies.
68. 3:55The most surefire way to deal with rifts is to talk about them.
69. 4:00These conversations can be tough and awkward.
70. 4:03But if they’re approached in the right way,
71. 4:05they can strengthen friendships in the long run.
72. 4:09Before these difficult conversations,
73. 4:11try to remind yourselves to show up without judgment.
74. 4:15Avoid getting too defensive or making accusations—
75. 4:18instead, share how the situation is making you feel and invite them to do the same.
76. 4:25Some friendships naturally come to an end.
77. 4:28Others change.
78. 4:30Whether new buddies or lifelong pals,
79. 4:33all friendships can benefit from building healthy habits.
80. 4:36And it’s never too late to make a new friend.