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How I went from an anxious attachment to secure — Transcript

by Andriana Nik · 4,648 words · 660 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00And I knew that, you know what, I will
0:02always be able to trust me because I
0:04will always have my back because I know
0:07that I love me. I know that I support
0:08me. And I know that I always have my
0:11best interest in mind. So it doesn't
0:14matter who could betray me because I
0:17knew that from now on I wouldn't. I knew
0:20that I could rely on myself for anything
0:22that I needed. And so all of that mental
0:25chatter slowly went away completely
0:29because my body felt reassured with my
0:33every response. Hi guys, welcome or
0:36welcome back to my channel. If you're
0:38new here, I have been making content for
0:41a while about self-improvement, healing,
0:44and understanding yourself. And if
0:46you're returning, you've probably
0:48noticed a shift over time. I realized
0:51that my real power wasn't just in
0:53self-growth, but it was in love and more
0:56precisely in self- loveve. Spend years
0:59single, healing, learning, and falling
1:02in love with my own life. I learned how
1:04to stop chasing people and start
1:07choosing myself. I learned how to be
1:10happy on my own. How to feel secure
1:13without constant reassurance and how to
1:16attract love that actually feels calm
1:20instead of chaotic. That's where
1:22everything changed for me. And now
1:25that's what I want to teach you. How to
1:27become so fulfilled on your own that
1:32love just naturally finds you. This is
1:35why I'm pivoting the channel. And the
1:37goal now it's simple is to help you stop
1:41searching for the one and start becoming
1:45the one. And by doing the inner work, by
1:48healing your attachment styles, by
1:50understanding your triggers, by building
1:52emotional and relational self-awareness,
1:56you will naturally attract the kind of
1:59love that is healthy, that is secure,
2:02and that is effortless. Every episode
2:04will be about giving you the tools, the
2:07insights, and the guidance to do that
2:10work and to stop repeating the same
2:14patterns because the love you want
2:17starts with you. Today, we're talking
2:19about how I turned my anxious attachment
2:22style to a secure one, which allowed me
2:26to create the most healthy, secure, and
2:29loving relationship with myself. and as
2:32a result attract the most healthy,
2:35secure and loving relationship that I
2:38have ever been into. I can very
2:41confidently say that healing my anxious
2:43attachment style has been one of the
2:46hardest and at the same time the most
2:48rewarding things that I have ever done
2:50in my life. For so many years, my
2:53anxious attachment controlled the way
2:55that I showed up in my relationships.
2:57And as a result, it controlled my life.
3:00It controlled my mood. It controlled my
3:03emotions. And it wasn't until I became
3:06aware of it that I was able to heal it
3:11and become secure. And in today's video,
3:14I'm going to teach you how you can too
3:17go from anxious to secure in your
3:20relationships and how you could do that
3:22in a simple way without endless
3:25overanalyzing and waiting for years for
3:28it to just happen. Because when you do
3:31shift into security, you might find it
3:34hard to imagine right now, but you
3:37finally stop chasing. You stop doubting
3:41yourself and you start attracting the
3:43kind of love and the kind of stability
3:46that you have always wanted, but you
3:49never seemed to get. Turning my anxious
3:52attachment style into a secure one, it's
3:55actually one of my most proud
3:56achievements. And not only because it's
4:00hard to do so, but especially because I
4:03was able to do this in such a short time
4:06as soon as I became aware of its hold on
4:09my life. I used to honestly be the most
4:11anxious person in dating and in
4:13relationships. It was so bad that I
4:16thought that I will end up being alone
4:18forever. I literally have been
4:20conditioned to believe that in order to
4:24be loved, I needed to bend. I needed to
4:26shape shift and I needed to completely
4:29change who I was. And so in my attempt
4:33to earn love, I ended up putting myself
4:36in the position of self-abandoning,
4:39chasing unavailable partners and
4:43struggling to get past that initial
4:45dating phase. My untouchment style
4:48really made me think that, oh, you know
4:50what? There must be something wrong with
4:52me. I must be the only person on earth
4:54that is struggling with this because it
4:57seems like everyone else finds it so
5:00easy to be in relationships to to date
5:05even. So then it seems like that I must
5:08be the problem. It wasn't just
5:10exhausting. It literally kept me stuck
5:13in the same patterns of how I thought,
5:17of how I felt, and the type of people
5:19that I kept attracting. I used to have
5:22this disturbing belief that if I wanted
5:25true love, if I wanted someone that is
5:28going to accept me totally and holy,
5:31then that means that I should accept
5:34their behavior totally too. Whether that
5:37behavior was right or not. I didn't
5:40understand yet that true love is
5:42actually birthed from a place of
5:46self-love and selfacceptance
5:49and never ever from a place of self
5:54abandonment and rejection. I literally
5:57remember the day that I somehow stepped
5:59into attachment theory. My mind was so
6:03blown because everything finally started
6:08to make sense. And from then on, I have
6:11spent so much of my time studying
6:15attachment theory, reading every book on
6:17it and listening to every type of video
6:21on YouTube or podcast that I could find
6:24so I could understand more of my type.
6:27And the more that I learned, the more I
6:29understood and the more insights that I
6:32gained, the more I could connect them
6:34with the patterns of my own love life.
6:37So I journaled my way through it and
6:40finally I could see bright as day, all
6:43of the things that I was doing wrong,
6:46and how actually a secure and healthy
6:49attachment styled would react instead.
6:53All of that information and all of the
6:55insights that I gathered truly opened my
6:59eyes. And just by becoming aware of all
7:03those unconscious habits and all of
7:06these unconscious ways that I was
7:08acting, just by becoming aware, I was
7:11able to shift the dynamic completely.
7:14And that is because now that I knew
7:16them, I couldn't keep choosing them
7:18because I understood that they could
7:22never give me what I wanted. I
7:24understood then that getting a different
7:27outcome, it requires me to take a
7:30different action. So I did and slowly
7:33but surely I went from anxious and
7:35insecure to feeling calm and grounded
7:39and secure in myself and in my
7:42relationships. And as I kept doing the
7:45work, something started to shift. I
7:48stopped caring about being in a
7:50relationship. I started actually
7:52enjoying being single for the first time
7:55ever in my life. I enjoyed my own
7:57company. I enjoyed taking myself out on
8:00dates, spoiling myself with the things
8:02that I knew that I loved. And I started
8:05spending real quality time with me. I
8:08learned how to become my own best
8:10friend, someone that I could always rely
8:12on. And I finally felt worthy and
8:15deserving of love. Not because someone
8:18told me that I was, but because I
8:21finally gave myself the evidence that I
8:25am lovable every single day. Through the
8:27way that I showed up for myself, the way
8:30I spoke to myself, and the way that I
8:34loved myself, I became genuinely happy
8:37and whole on my own. something that I
8:40didn't ever think that was possible
8:42before. I even remember at some point I
8:45started thinking, you know what, whoever
8:47ends up with me is going to be so lucky.
8:50So, I carried that mindset and I stopped
8:54wasting my time going on dates or
8:56entertaining people who didn't deserve
8:59my time, who didn't deserve my energy.
9:02And whenever things didn't work out, I
9:04didn't spiral anymore. I just thought,
9:07okay, this isn't meant for me and it's
9:10not working for a reason. I genuinely
9:13believe that, okay, God has a better
9:15plan for me. I became such a green flag
9:19that it was only a matter of time before
9:21I attracted another one. And because I
9:25became that version of me, I was able to
9:28attract the most healthy, secure, and
9:30loving relationship that I have ever
9:32experienced. one that is genuinely a
9:35mirror of the love and the peace that I
9:37have built within myself. And you know
9:39what? If my past self was listening to
9:42me right now talking about this, telling
9:45this story, she would have never
9:48believed me. My younger self would never
9:51believe that I will end up with a person
9:55that feels like a real life prince
9:57charming. Because when I was young, I
9:59really believed that I was out there,
10:01but I didn't know if it was possible for
10:03me. You know what? I thought I'll have
10:06to settle for something watered down.
10:08But what I ended up attracting was even
10:12more than I have ever imagined,
10:14something that is safe, something that
10:16is effortless, something that is so
10:18deeply connected. And that's exactly why
10:21I'm doing this now, because I know what
10:25it's like to doubt if you will ever have
10:28a healthy relationship, let alone your
10:31dream one. I know what it is like to
10:34think that maybe you're asking for too
10:36much, but you're not. The kind of love
10:38that you want is real and it's closer
10:41than you think. Everything that I'm
10:42about to share with you are the exact
10:45shifts that helped me get there. These
10:49aren't just some theories or some quick
10:51fixes, some games that you can apply so
10:54you can manipulate your way through a
10:56relationship. These are the things that
10:59took me from an anxious and insecure
11:01person in my relationships to a
11:04grounded, calm, and secure one in both
11:08myself and my relationships. So, trust
11:10me when I tell you that these things I'm
11:12going to share with you today work
11:13because they cured my incurable
11:16singleness. So, if these worked for me,
11:19then I'm so certain that are going to
11:22work for anyone. So, if you want to go
11:24from anxious to secure, let's get into
11:26it. The first key insight that I have
11:29realized and that I genuinely believe is
11:33responsible for more than 50% of the
11:36work in shifting me from anxious to
11:38secure was the realization that I needed
11:42to stop outsourcing my worth. When
11:46you're anxious, your value depends on
11:50how someone else feels about you. So,
11:53one text can literally make or break
11:55your day. How someone perceived you or
11:58treated you could literally shift your
12:01whole self-image. Your whole self-image,
12:05your whole self-perception and your
12:07self-worth is at the hands of someone
12:11else. And somehow in my head, this was
12:14so normal. And that was because I have
12:17spent all of my life waiting to be
12:19externally validated and externally
12:22approved in order for me to have
12:26permission to consider myself as good
12:29enough. My own opinion didn't matter.
12:32And that is because I never thought that
12:33it did. I thought that I will have to
12:36spend the rest of my life being measured
12:39by someone else's tape. And this belief
12:43wasn't conscious. Obviously, I didn't
12:45think oh you know only external
12:47validation and external approval
12:50matters. It's what subconsciously
12:53ruled my life. So because this was so
12:57subconscious and I was so unaware of it,
12:59it literally took control of how I
13:01perceived things. It wasn't until I
13:04learned that secure healthy attachments
13:07are self- validated. that their entire
13:10self-worth and value actually comes from
13:14themselves that I realized how opposite
13:17I had them in my mind. I had to learn
13:20that my worth doesn't live in someone
13:23else's opinion. It lives in me. And the
13:26moment that I started shifting my focus
13:28from externally to internally, it is
13:31like my whole world came upside down. I
13:35instantly started to see myself
13:37differently. I no longer waited around
13:40for anyone or anything to tell me that
13:43I'm good, for me to feel good. So, I
13:46started treating myself as I was already
13:48good. And I can't tell you the effect
13:50that the change of my self-image had on
13:54my confidence, on the way that I showed
13:56up, and as a result, the way that people
13:59treated me in return. I literally no
14:03longer cared about impressing anyone,
14:05especially when it came to dating. My
14:07whole focus shifted from them being on
14:11the pedestal to me being on the
14:13pedestal. I started doing things and
14:15making choices simply because they
14:18pleased me. They were now internally
14:22motivated. The thought of choosing
14:24something based on external factors
14:26didn't even exist in my mind anymore. It
14:28was like all that unnecessary noise went
14:32away. And all of my attention and all of
14:34my focus was finally free to go on what
14:38would please me, what will I enjoy more,
14:41what sounds more fun to me. I showed up
14:44in ways that made me feel good and not
14:47because I thought it would score me some
14:49points with someone else. Once I got
14:51self validated, literally nothing felt
14:54the same. Since the satisfaction of
14:57getting externally validated by someone
14:59else felt so watered down compared to
15:03the feeling and the wholeness that I
15:05felt when I gave myself the validation
15:08when I gave myself the approval that I
15:10was seeking because at the end of the
15:13day even when you seek this from someone
15:16else even when you seek this approval
15:17from someone else you only do so because
15:21you can have permission to feel it for
15:24yourself. So I just took away all of the
15:27steps in between all of these false
15:29needs for permission and I just gave the
15:33permission straight to myself and trust
15:35me when I tell you my cup was full for
15:39the first time in my life and it was
15:41filled by me and because it came from me
15:44it was like my thirst was completely
15:48satisfied. And do you know the reason
15:50why when you stop outsourcing your worth
15:52and you start validating yourself all of
15:55a sudden out of anywhere
15:58everyone starts to treat you better too.
16:00Well first of all because you are no
16:02longer desperate for them to validate
16:06you. And desperation is the most
16:08powerful deterrent when it comes to
16:11love. Actually it's a the most powerful
16:13deterrent in all of the things that you
16:15want to attract. No one wants to be with
16:18someone that are desperate because this
16:21is a signal that there's something wrong
16:24here. People are consciously understand
16:26that desperation means low selfworth.
16:29And so of course they find that
16:30unattractive, right? I mean see it from
16:32your perspective. Would you ever want to
16:34be with someone that is desperately
16:36wanting you, needing you, clinging on
16:38you? No matter how much you want a
16:41relationship, even then you would say no
16:44and you would rather being alone. And
16:46that is because people feel like people
16:49who are like this are not adding in
16:51their lives but actually they are taking
16:54away. And secondly, the reason why when
16:57you start treating yourself better,
16:59everyone treats you better too is
17:01because our outer reality is a mirror
17:05that reflects our inner reality. So when
17:08you think poorly of yourself and you
17:10treat yourself badly, of course then
17:13other people are going to do the same
17:15thing to you too and vice versa. So this
17:18is the biggest hack to check. If you see
17:21your external reality not treating you
17:23as you would like it, then this is a
17:26sign and an indication that you are the
17:29one that is in the first place treating
17:31you poorly and not giving you what you
17:35want. So that's why becoming your own
17:38source of worth and value is the biggest
17:41game changer in the dating game. And
17:44it's the foundational step in turning
17:46from anxious to secure. Because if you
17:50think about it, when you're outsourcing
17:52your worth, it is like you're trying to
17:55build a house on a crooked land. When
17:58your base is crooked, you could never
18:01build something on it and feel like
18:05you're stable and secure. You will
18:07always feel unsafe until you feel the
18:09ground beneath you is safe, secure, and
18:12stable and unshakable. The second key
18:15insight that transformed my anxious
18:18attachment to a secure one was learning
18:21to regulate my nervous system. Anxious
18:24attachment isn't just in your head. It
18:27is actually very much in your body. The
18:31reason why you are reacting with anxiety
18:33to love and to relationships, it is
18:36because your body is used to
18:39interpreting any slight sign as a
18:42threat. When you think about it
18:44logically, if someone doesn't respond to
18:46your text or when you go on a date with
18:49someone and you don't hit it off or when
18:52after a dating phase, someone realizes
18:55that what you have won't develop into a
18:59relationship. Logically, you think,
19:02okay, this is not the end of the world,
19:04right? But the issue with anxious
19:07attachment cells is the wrong
19:10interpretation of those circumstances.
19:14You take those signs as a complete
19:17threat to your survival. And that is
19:19because when you were a child, any sign
19:22that you got that you were not being
19:25loved, it made your existence feel
19:28threatened. And that is because as
19:30children, all of us, we rely on our
19:33parents' love so deeply. And that is
19:36also because our survival relies heavily
19:39on how much we are loved and how much
19:42we're looked after by them. So it makes
19:45sense that love and survival is
19:47connected for all of us humans. The
19:50difference with anxious attachments is
19:52that they had an early experience as
19:56children where they felt that the lack
19:58of love it threatened their survival. So
20:01now as adults they are more anxious and
20:04more fearful of having that experience
20:07being repeated because they know how bad
20:09it feels and they know how negatively it
20:13impacted them. So they're trying very
20:16hard to avoid that from happening again.
20:19But unfortunately this means that
20:22because their nervous system is
20:24completely disregulated by such
20:27experiences and they want to avoid these
20:30circumstances so badly. It means that
20:33they are more likely to attract them and
20:36that is because everything that is
20:38unconscious is trying to make itself
20:41conscious and to be seen. So if you have
20:44an anxious attachment style, just by
20:46becoming aware of this unconscious fear,
20:49it could literally make all of the
20:52difference because now you have shed
20:54light to it. You have made the
20:57unconscious conscious and so it doesn't
21:00have the same hold on you anymore. By
21:03having that awareness and by having that
21:05realization that not receiving love is
21:08not as lifethreatening,
21:11you start wiring your brain. You start
21:14rewiring your brain to perceive these
21:16signs instead of as threats as nothing.
21:21Because in reality, they really are
21:24nothing. They really are not threatening
21:27your survival. Just the realization
21:29itself helps so much to soothe your
21:32nervous system. But there's so many
21:35other things that you could do that you
21:37could help your nervous system get even
21:39more regulated because it's not
21:42something that you just do and your
21:45nervous system feels calmer, feels
21:47secure, feels safe from it. It's
21:49something that you will have to remind
21:51yourself again and again. You could also
21:53incorporate breath work, journaling,
21:56posing before reacting. All of these
21:58things, I used them myself and they
22:01taught me how to soo myself first
22:05instead of going externally and
22:08demanding reassurance by someone else.
22:11And the final step that helped me
22:13transform my anxious attachment to
22:15secure was reprogramming the story that
22:19I told myself. Anxious people live in
22:22whatifs. What if they leave? What if I'm
22:25not good enough? What if I stay alone
22:27forever? What if this happens? What if
22:30that happens? Living in this state of
22:32mental chatter and noise keeps you
22:34completely grounded in anxiety. And that
22:37is because your brain keeps coming up
22:40with potential scenarios of you getting
22:42hurt. And therefore, this puts you in a
22:45state of feeling unsafe, feeling under
22:47threat. So this tells your nervous
22:49system that your survival is in danger.
22:53And this makes the loop of anxiety
22:56continue again and again. We are so
22:58unaware and we don't understand how our
23:01internal commentary has the power to
23:05either block our blessings or let them
23:08in. When you change the way you think
23:10and the way you speak about what it is
23:13that is coming to you and what you are
23:15receiving, the outcome of those things
23:18will be influenced accordingly. And so
23:21it really depends on how closely you are
23:24paying attention. This realization made
23:27me understand the need to completely
23:30change the story and the narrative that
23:32I tell myself. I knew that I had to
23:35rewrite that. So instead of what if they
23:38leave me, what if they don't love me, I
23:41started asking myself what if I can love
23:44myself enough to walk away from anything
23:47less. So in every threatening scenario,
23:50I learn to give myself a reassuring
23:54response, letting myself know that
23:56whatever happens, I got my back. And so
24:00it doesn't matter what others do because
24:02I can't control that. But I can
24:04definitely control myself. And I knew
24:07that, you know what, I will always be
24:09able to trust me because I will always
24:12have my back because I know that I love
24:14me. I know that I support me. And I know
24:16that I always have my best interest in
24:19mind. So it doesn't matter who could
24:21betray me because I knew that from now
24:24on I wouldn't. I knew that I could rely
24:27on myself for anything that I needed.
24:30And so all of that mental chatter slowly
24:34went away completely because my body
24:37felt reassured with my every response. A
24:41key thing here is to teach yourself even
24:44while you're dating or when you're in a
24:46relationship to not expect the worst. To
24:51yes, be aware and be mindful of what is
24:54happening, but to not always be ready to
24:56believe the worst is going to come. I
24:59used to have a very hard time with that.
25:01I used to always be ready to jump to
25:04negative conclusions. when I saw like a
25:08red flag sign, I will like magnify it
25:12and make it so much better in my head.
25:15So I had to instead embrace an attitude.
25:16You know what? Everything happens for
25:18me. I trust that everything happens for
25:20my highest good. I trust myself. I am
25:23grounded in myself. So I don't need to
25:26get triggered and lose myself whenever a
25:29slightly threatening situation, meaning
25:32something that seemed like a red flag
25:35popped up. Yes, of course, I will have
25:38to communicate and I'm going to ask
25:41questions and try to understand the
25:42situation, but I will do it from a place
25:45of selfrust no matter the outcome. I
25:49wouldn't think the worst and expect the
25:52worst because this is basically telling
25:54myself that oh look, you are not safe
25:58with anyone. Anyone could come and hurt
26:00me. It's so important to teach yourself
26:03to not expect the worst because
26:05otherwise you keep yourself constantly
26:08in a fight or flight situation that
26:11anything could happen that could shake
26:13off the waters that could shake off the
26:15relationship. And this drains not only
26:17you but also the other person. So you
26:20have to make sure to keep a balance of
26:24trust and not expect for things to flip
26:28at any moment to show some trust towards
26:31yourself towards the person that you
26:34have with you and also towards your
26:38intuition to trust that person. But that
26:41of course comes with building already
26:44that relationship of trust with
26:45yourself. And from then on you can rely
26:48on that self-rust to guide you. The
26:52point is that things could go right or
26:54wrong and you could never know when and
26:57where they could take a wrong turn. So
27:00if you think about it, you truly can
27:02never fully relax and you can never
27:05truly take things for granted that
27:07they're going to be safe and stay the
27:09same for all eternity. And so that's why
27:12the stories and the things that you tell
27:15yourself could make all the difference
27:18in building that selfrust that you need
27:21in order to go through dating and to go
27:23through relationships because you have
27:26to understand you should always be able
27:29to rely on yourself but never on others.
27:32So when you have this self trust with
27:34yourself and know that no matter what
27:38even I'm with I'm I'm with someone
27:39things don't work out I always will have
27:42me and I'm fine with that. I trust that
27:45that if that happens for my highest good
27:48I trust that I will be able to handle
27:49that. I trust that I will be able to
27:52heal from that and this thing will not
27:55completely destroy me as it did in the
27:57past. So the story you tell yourself
28:00becomes the reality that you leave. So
28:03when I understood that I understood that
28:05I needed to make sure that the story
28:08that I tell myself is a good one because
28:10it will really create the reality that I
28:13will end up living. You understand this
28:15by now that we have all the control. And
28:18so how secure and how safe we feel with
28:21our relationships
28:23starts with how secure and how safe we
28:26are in our relationship with ourselves.
28:29So the moral of the story is that in
28:31order to build a secure attachment that
28:34is going to lead you to a secure healthy
28:37relationship, the one prerequisite is
28:40that you need to firstly build a secure
28:44and healthy relationship with yourself.
28:47meaning to fill your own cup, to be your
28:50own source of worth and value. Putting
28:53yourself and your opinion on the
28:55pedestal instead of putting others to
28:58soo yourself and to feel protected and
29:01taken care of by you and to speak to
29:05yourself with confidence and self-belief
29:08trusting that you know no matter what I
29:10have my back. So, if you want to start
29:13becoming secure, start with these three
29:15shifts that we talked about today. Start
29:17owning your worth. Start regulating your
29:20nervous system and start rewriting the
29:22story in your head. If you're listening
29:24to this and you're thinking, "Well, my
29:26god, that's exactly what I struggle
29:28with." Trust me, I get it because I have
29:31been there and I know what it feels like
29:33to be so overwhelmed and wanting to
29:36change things as soon as possible so you
29:38can finally be free of this situation,
29:42be free of these compulsions and
29:44patterns that that keep you stuck in
29:46this pattern of relationships. So if you
29:49want to break free from these anxious
29:51attachment patterns and you want to
29:54finally feel secure in yourself and in
29:57your relationships, you can always reach
29:59out to me. You can send a message to me
30:01or connect with me through the links in
30:03the description and I would love to help
30:06you start your own transformation and to
30:09finally be and to finally attract the
30:12secure relationship that you've always
30:14dreamed of. So that's it for today,
30:16guys. Thank you so much for being here.
30:19I appreciate you. I love you. And if you
30:21have any questions or any more topics
30:24that you would like me to cover in the
30:26next episodes, you can always let me
30:28know in the comments below. So yeah,
30:30that's it. Thank you so much and I'll
30:33see you on the next one. Bye.

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