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How Avoidants Actually Fall In Love (It’s Not What You Think) — Transcript

by Adam Lane Smith · 6,905 words · 1,058 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00Avoidant people fall in love in exactly
0:0220 steps. These are 20 specific stages
0:05that happen in a very predictable
0:07sequence, from the moment they choose to
0:09start seeking out love before you even
0:11meet, to the initial attraction of
0:13connecting, through the chaos of the
0:15middle, all the way to either secure
0:18bonding on the other side or a complete
0:20shutdown of all emotions and all
0:22bonding. Now, here's why this matters to
0:24you. If you've ever been with somebody
0:25who started out warm and present and
0:28interested, then slowly became distant
0:31and cold and unreachable, and you
0:33couldn't figure out what you did wrong,
0:36you didn't do anything wrong. You just
0:37didn't know which step you were on.
0:39Today, I'm going to walk you through the
0:41exact secret internal process of how
0:43avoidant people process love. The steps
0:46that most people never see coming. The
0:48steps that explain why everything felt
0:50so good at the beginning and then fell
0:52completely apart. The steps that
0:55avoidant people, by the way, will never
0:56ever consciously admit to you. This is
0:59the pattern that runs behind the scenes.
1:02This is the pattern that runs most often
1:04without them even realizing that it's
1:06there.
1:07It's time to pull back the curtain on
1:09exactly what happens in an avoidant
1:11partner's head and heart. I'm Adam Lane
1:14Smith, the attachment specialist, and I
1:15have worked with thousands of couples
1:17where avoidant attachment style was
1:19destroying the connection between them.
1:21And I've seen exactly where
1:22relationships break down because
1:24partners don't understand what's even
1:26happening inside the avoidant person's
1:28brain. By the end of this video, you're
1:29going to understand exactly which step
1:31they're on at any part of the process.
1:34You're going to know why they do what
1:36they do, and you're going to stop taking
1:39it personally, because it's not about
1:41you. It's about neurobiology.
1:44Now, I'm mostly going to talk about the
1:46ethical avoidant experience here today,
1:48not much about the manipulative avoidant
1:50style. But, I will say this, if you
1:52follow along with me today, you will see
1:54the exact point where good intention can
1:57slip into manipulative behaviors
1:59instead. So, let's get started at the
2:02beginning. So, there's a phase at the
2:04beginning called the conceptual phase.
2:06And in step one, it's called conceptual
2:09love. Avoidant people begin to
2:11experience attraction in this phase.
2:13Avoidant people don't really fall in
2:15love with a person first. They fall in
2:17love with the intellectual idea of love.
2:21They usually don't realize this is
2:22happening, but they're looking for that
2:23feeling of a bonding hormone called
2:26oxytocin. It's a feeling of coming home,
2:29of being safe, of belonging to a group
2:33or a person, and feeling an intimate
2:35safe connection. Now, you're supposed to
2:38experience this first with your mother.
2:40Most avoidant people didn't. Or if they
2:42did, it was yanked away from them when
2:44their mother was cold, disconnected,
2:47overbearing, overly emotional, and it
2:49was severed. So, even before they have
2:51memories, the oxytocin was removed from
2:54them, and they were never allowed to
2:55feel it again. They have an
2:57understanding that there's a feeling
2:58somewhere, but they don't know how to
3:00get it. Their system says, "Love exists,
3:03but I'm not sure it exists for me." They
3:05fall in love with the intellectual
3:07concept of it because they don't have an
3:09experience to track back to. Now,
3:12another problem here is that in most
3:13avoidantly attached people, their
3:14oxytocin receptors are blocked. Cortisol
3:18actually closes these receptors and
3:20blocks them so that you can't get
3:22bonding hormones even if someone does
3:24release them in you. Even worse,
3:26avoidantly attached people usually
3:27prevent any activity that would actually
3:29give them oxytocin in the first place.
3:32So, they have an idea an intellectually
3:34of what love could feel like, but they
3:36have no concept that they themselves are
3:38the one preventing it, that their
3:40lifestyle and their brain and
3:41neurobiology is preventing the very
3:44feeling they're looking for. I'll say it
3:45this way. They love the idea of love,
3:48but they have very little idea about the
3:50actual practice of love. Now, step two
3:53is love modeling. This is where it gets
3:55really interesting. Avoidant people
3:56start by envisioning what love could
3:59look like intellectually, what it would
4:01act like, and maybe feel like, almost
4:03like a math equation. They come up with
4:05what I call a partner model. The person
4:08who would give me the feeling I would
4:10want would probably look like X. Now,
4:12unfortunately for an avoidantly attached
4:14person who hasn't experienced oxytocin
4:16bonding properly, that model is based on
4:19three key things. First is the reduction
4:21of fear. Things that make me
4:23uncomfortable, things that make me feel
4:25too vulnerable, things that make me feel
4:27too open, too many emotions. Reduce my
4:31fear. The right partner will reduce my
4:33fear and not challenge me in those
4:35areas.
4:36Number two, an absence of expectations
4:39or pressure. The right partner won't be
4:41pushing toward marriage. We would have
4:43at least 15 years to consider it before
4:46we even put a label on the relationship
4:47so that we can really take our time. No
4:50pressure, no expectations. The reason
4:52for this is not that avoidant people
4:53hate expectations. The reason is that
4:55they project everyone's expectations to
4:57be absolute maximum, and they don't
5:00conversate about what they are, when
5:02really most people's expectations are
5:04down here. This is because the avoidant
5:06person's parents and caregivers probably
5:08had expectations this high, and now they
5:11project that everybody does.
5:13Okay? The third thing they look for is
5:15the presence of endless dopamine.
5:17I only bond through dopamine. Dopamine
5:20is all that gives me pleasure. I don't
5:22get oxytocin, and I get very little
5:24serotonin because I can't engage in
5:27emotional connection with people, only
5:29intellectual. So, I need endless
5:31dopamine hits. The problem is this will
5:33never actually work because novelty
5:35dopamine of a new partner wears off at 5
5:37to 7 months. It is a doomed pathway that
5:40will never work. Are you seeing the
5:41problem yet?
5:43An intellectual model of a perfect
5:45partner will never inspire fear or
5:47discomfort, will never have expectations
5:50or pressure, and is always delivering an
5:53endless impossible supply of dopamine.
5:55This is why avoidant people are not
5:57happy.
5:59They're not looking for deep emotional
6:00bonding. They don't know what that is.
6:02They're looking for someone who feels
6:04good without requiring vulnerability,
6:06and who would play well into the story
6:08they would ideally like to live. This is
6:10not, by the way, because avoidantly
6:12attached people are narcissistic
6:13monsters who want to mistreat other
6:16people and harvest them for good
6:17feelings. It's because they don't have a
6:19concept of anything beyond this. They
6:21say, I will offer these three things,
6:24and you will offer them to me, and we
6:25can both be happy. They think that's a
6:28win. Step three is what I call scoping.
6:30Now they start scanning. They're
6:32tracking carefully how other people fit
6:34their model. You've heard plenty of
6:35people say, you know, they're perfect on
6:37paper, but I just don't feel anything.
6:40That's this step. An avoidant person is
6:42intellectually evaluating whether
6:43someone in their world matches the
6:45criteria, but they're not feeling a
6:47connection because feeling requires
6:50vulnerability that they're not willing
6:51to give yet. This is, I want other
6:54people to fit this mold. Most avoidantly
6:56attached people will engage in casual
6:58sex, plenty by the way, so they're
7:00willing to date plenty of people and
7:02sleep with plenty of people who don't
7:03miss meet that pattern, but they say,
7:05this person doesn't meet my pattern, so
7:07they'll never be my person. We'll just
7:08exchange temporary dopamine for a little
7:10while. They usually don't realize the
7:12other person is bonding to them. It's
7:14I'm looking for Mrs. Right, but I'm
7:16willing to take Mrs. Right Now while I'm
7:18finding her. Now, rarely, something else
7:20may happen, but it does happen enough
7:22that they come to me for help on this.
7:24Sometimes, an avoidant person gets swept
7:27up by someone who love bombs them
7:29completely. Usually someone with their
7:31own severe attachment issues, usually
7:33loud disorganized or even crossing over
7:35into borderline personality disorder.
7:37The intensity feels like connection
7:40because it's flooding them not only with
7:41dopamine, but for the first time
7:44overwhelming them and shoving oxytocin
7:47into their receptors. It is such a
7:49saturation of it that the avoidant
7:52person is blindsided and confused and
7:56has no idea what's happening. It's one
7:58of the strangest patterns I've ever seen
7:59play out and sometimes they come to me
8:02deeply confused and unsettled about
8:04what's happening and they want more
8:06connection, but now they're even more
8:07afraid than they were before because
8:08that person usually ends up devastating
8:11them. Now, let's pretend that second
8:12piece hasn't happened yet. Sometimes it
8:13does, but it's an outlier. Most of the
8:15time people enter step four, trial and
8:18error. They start dating cautiously. Not
8:21obligation, right? Not pushing into
8:23commitment and labels yet, sifting
8:25through the market. Avoidant people at
8:27this point usually prefer no commitment
8:30flings or one-night stands or
8:32situationships, especially if their
8:34first attempt at a relationship ended
8:36really badly, okay? If they're doing
8:37this in their early teens, they might
8:39take whoever's around them and it goes
8:41catastrophically badly. Then for the
8:43rest of their life they have this sob
8:44story about how when I was 16, it went
8:47so bad and she cheated on me, now I can
8:49never commit again. By the way, now I'm
8:5056.
8:52Right? 40 years ago someone hurt me and
8:54confirmed my fears, so I can never open
8:56up to anyone ever again. I hear that
8:57actually quite a lot, okay?
8:59But by their 20s,
9:02most avoidantly attached people are very
9:03ruthlessly strategic. Trial and error.
9:07Low commitment, maximum gain, testing
9:10the waters. Okay? This is the perfect
9:12time for them to start using dating
9:14apps, which reward that kind of behavior
9:17because you're just playing and getting
9:19back on the app again and again and
9:21again. A lot of times their earliest
9:23experiences do usually involve getting
9:25smitten with somebody again, but it goes
9:27badly because the avoidant person
9:29doesn't know what real love is supposed
9:31to feel like. They pull back, they try
9:33to please the other person, they just
9:34try try stay distant, they pull away,
9:36and even if they pick a good partner,
9:38they will usually sabotage it without
9:40realizing it, cause hurt, and drive the
9:42other person away. Even worse, again,
9:44they connect with loud, disorganized or
9:46personality disorder, and they feel
9:47gutted, and they say, "I will never
9:49allow someone to do this to me again."
9:51Now, after the initial crash, usually
9:53with a big relationship at the
9:54beginning, they develop this model,
9:55trial and error. Get more calculated,
9:58get more ruthless, be more strategic,
10:01promise nothing. Now, this leads us into
10:03step five, thought contenders. This is
10:05where they tend to zero in on a few
10:07candidates, okay? They pick the best
10:09prospect, or someone that really tickles
10:11their fancy. This person looks right to
10:14me, so I'll choose to figure it out.
10:16Here's what most partners that have this
10:18happening don't know. At this point, the
10:20avoidant person is laying down internal
10:22conditions. These are secret
10:24requirements that the prospect is
10:26supposed to meet, that they will never
10:28tell you. They won't communicate these
10:30clearly to you. Now, this is a shame,
10:32because if they actually laid down clear
10:33expectations openly, that would usually
10:35fix the relationship for most people,
10:37but they keep these silent and internal.
10:39And that brings us to the commitment
10:41phase. The commitment phase is second,
10:43and this is where people get confused,
10:45because they say, "Adam, why do avoidant
10:47people even get married?" It's because
10:49they believe through trial and error
10:51that nothing better is going to come,
10:53and that they're never going to feel the
10:54feeling they've wanted, so they may as
10:56well try to build a family and see if
10:58maybe that's fulfilling. Most of them
11:00are not sociopaths who just want to play
11:02the field forever and hurt other people.
11:03Most of them want to build a family.
11:06They just say, "I guess happiness is
11:08beyond me, and I'll never feel it. But,
11:10you know what? Maybe I can feel it over
11:12time if I build a family." This leads us
11:14to step six, playing the part. With the
11:17internal conditions in place, the
11:19avoidant person commits and starts fully
11:22dating you. Maybe they put a label on
11:23it. Maybe they get engaged at this
11:24point. But, here's what's happening
11:26underneath. They don't really know how
11:28it's going to go.
11:29There's There's internal, let's just see
11:31where this goes system playing out
11:33inside of them. Usually by this point in
11:36the first five to seven months the
11:37novelty dopamine is still there. So
11:39they're still feeling good and enjoying
11:41experiences with you, but it is
11:43beginning to dwindle down. And this is
11:45why the avoidant person is usually
11:46highly pessimistic here. When avoidants
11:49commit, they are excessively
11:51pessimistic, but they choose to wave
11:53that away in the moment cuz the dopamine
11:55still feels so good and they have a
11:56little bit of hope. Just the smallest
11:58amount. Usually they'll tell you hope is
12:00dangerous, but they have the smallest
12:02amount of it. If they're ethical
12:03avoidant, they model their own part of
12:06the love story. They try to give you
12:08that love. I will never give you reason
12:10to be afraid. I will never put
12:12expectations or pressure on you and I
12:14will try to give you endless dopamine.
12:16They try to do what they think is a good
12:18partner. Usually this means overworking,
12:21financially providing and building
12:22physical safety. That's the first two
12:24levels of safety, but they don't know
12:26that level three and four exist. They
12:29don't know about emotional safety or
12:30bonding safety. So they hyper fixate
12:33into being the perfect provider and
12:35protector. They choose to wave away
12:38their fears because they think this
12:41could work. They try to fill the role.
12:43They try to do what they can as far as
12:45they understand. If they're
12:47manipulative, they might be mostly
12:49trying to get what they can out of you.
12:51They're afraid you're going to turn on
12:52them and hurt them, but at least they've
12:54said I don't trust anyone on the planet,
12:56but at least I distrust you the least.
12:58Stay with me. Okay? Either way, the
13:01avoidant person at this point is playing
13:03a part. I don't mean they're faking it.
13:05They may really love you, but they're
13:07playing a part. Now in step seven, first
13:10wins, some initial requirements get met.
13:12They feel like it's working out. Yeah,
13:14this is okay. This is fine. You know
13:16what? I have to settle somewhere, so it
13:18may as well be here with you. That's not
13:20very romantic by the way, which is why
13:22they don't externalize any of their
13:23thoughts or feelings to you. But
13:25remember, the avoidant person is not
13:27oxytocin bonded to you. They prevent
13:29that. Their receptors are still blocked
13:31by cortisol. And they also aren't
13:32vasopressin bonded to you, the the
13:34hormone responsible when we solve
13:36problems together. If you've ever met an
13:38avoidant person, when there's a problem,
13:40they suddenly go dark, pull away, don't
13:43speak to you, and avoid eye contact, go
13:45to the garage, and solve the problem
13:48alone there, and then come back to you
13:50pretending nothing has happened. So,
13:52there's not many opportunities to
13:53vasopressin or oxytocin bond with. This
13:55is not a full biochemical payoff at all
13:57for them. It's not real bonding. At
14:00best, the avoidant person gets dwindling
14:02dopamine.
14:04Okay? The person they're with makes them
14:06feel good in certain moments. Other
14:08pieces will not, and they'll just fall
14:10it the honeymoon
14:14phase. They say, "We had so much
14:16passion. It was so easy. No
14:18disagreements. Everything's felt so
14:20fresh and exciting. We just clicked."
14:23Now, when a partner says that, they're
14:26usually describing incredibly high
14:28oxytocin bonding on their end. Okay? The
14:30avoidant partner is giving them high
14:33oxytocin. "I love you. You're great.
14:36You're fantastic. Here's attention.
14:38Here's time. Here's care. Here's low
14:40expectations. You're wonderful." You
14:43feel better in that moment than you've
14:45ever felt in your life. However, the
14:47avoidant person is getting dopamine.
14:49These are not the same experiences, and
14:51dopamine must inevitably fade. This
14:54leads us to step eight, human
14:55inconvenience.
14:57Irritation starts building in the
14:58relationship. People are humans. So, the
15:01avoidant person is bonding with a human
15:03who now has expectations, desires, and
15:06needs. Maybe you get sick. Maybe it's
15:08your time of the month. Maybe you're
15:10grumpy. Maybe you're hungry. Maybe
15:12you're scared. Maybe work requires too
15:14much of your attention, or maybe you
15:16want more of their attention and work's
15:18taking them away. Because the person is
15:20not biochemically incentivized to stick
15:23with the relationship through
15:24vasopressin and oxytocin, they start
15:26feeling a rise of cortisol against you
15:28instead. Man, this sucks. How much of
15:31this do I have to do? They come home and
15:33say, "Hey babe, how was your day?" And
15:34she goes, "Oh, it was tough." And his
15:36brain says, "Man, are you ever going to
15:38have a good day?
15:39It's always bad with you." Even if it's
15:41not, his brain says that.
15:44The pleasure also starts to diminish for
15:46them as the novelty dopamine wears off
15:48hard. Expectations increase at the same
15:50time. So, the avoidant person starts
15:52asking themselves, "What am I even doing
15:54this for?" This leads us right into step
15:56nine, what we call fracturing.
15:59Now, the tension point is a perfect
16:01relationship must be this,
16:04but a flawed human will be this.
16:07Okay? The perfect model begins to crack
16:11because nobody is perfect. Confusion and
16:13then resentment often begins to build.
16:15This becomes a ruthless calculation. How
16:18long can I, the avoidant person,
16:20continue as I see my pleasure and joy
16:23dying,
16:24and as my expectations and costs are
16:26rising through the roof?
16:28They're running a model in their head
16:30like someone running a business
16:31projection. They're forecasting the
16:32trajectory, and it doesn't look good.
16:35My costs have tripled as my profits have
16:38gone through the floor, and I'm now in
16:40the red every single month, and I'm
16:42exhausted and going to debt just
16:44continuing to keep my doors open. This
16:46hits hardest at step 10, what we call
16:48the dopamine cliff. Up till now, it's
16:50been a dwindling supply of dopamine, but
16:53here's the number of steps that changes
16:55everything. But, here's the number that
16:57changes everything. Month Let me change
17:00that whole sentence again. Here's the
17:01step that changes everything. Up till
17:03now, the dopamine has been dwindling,
17:06but month five to seven, this is the
17:09novelty dopamine cliff. The dopamine
17:11that was making the person feel so good
17:13drops off hard, very hard. That person
17:17that they're connected to is no longer
17:18giving them anywhere near the hits that
17:20they were getting before. Maybe none at
17:22all. And at the same time, again,
17:24expectations rise through the roof at 5
17:26to 7. You want a label. You want a
17:28relationship. You're thinking about
17:29moving in together. And frankly, rightly
17:31so. At 5 to 7 months, I think you should
17:34be talking about engagement. If you're
17:37in a healthy relationship, that is.
17:39Avoidantly attached people have never
17:41felt less connected to you before. So,
17:43the pressure goes up, the dopamine drops
17:45through the floor,
17:47and the avoidant person feels like
17:48they're getting zero benefit from the
17:49relationship at all.
17:51And in fact, this is where temptation
17:52sets in because now everyone else in the
17:55world gives them more dopamine than you
17:57do. Every Instagram model, every little
17:59DM from somebody, every message they get
18:02from somebody else, people they pass at
18:03the Now, this is where everybody else on
18:05the planet starts to give them more
18:07dopamine than you do. This is where
18:09temptation sets in. That girl on
18:11Instagram, that girl at the gym, that
18:14person who texted them their ex in their
18:16phone, everybody looks more attractive
18:19than you because the dopamine cliff
18:21makes you the least attractive person in
18:23their life. The pressure is through the
18:26roof. They feel like they're getting no
18:27benefit. And now, they don't know why
18:30they're doing this, and they feel like
18:31they have already lost. Now, this is the
18:34point right here that I need you to
18:35hear.
18:36If you've been through this pattern, the
18:37passionate beginning, the slow
18:39withdrawal, the eventual shutdown, it
18:41wasn't your fault. The avoidant person
18:43was looking for a feeling their own
18:45brain chemistry was preventing them from
18:47having. They wanted to feel at home with
18:49you. They wanted the oxytocin
18:51experience, but their receptors were
18:53blocked from childhood. And every time
18:55they got close to real vulnerability,
18:58their nervous system shut it down. They
19:00loved the idea of loving you. They
19:03feared the reality of loving. Not
19:05because of who you are, but because how
19:07their system is wired. I also want to
19:09say this, if you're the avoidant person
19:11who's watching this and you're
19:12recognizing this pattern, the same
19:14applies to you. Your brain developed a
19:17survival adaptation that made perfect
19:19sense for the environment you grew up
19:21in. Of course, you didn't want to
19:23connect. Of course, you didn't want to
19:25be vulnerable. Of course, you couldn't
19:26trust anybody there. That pattern just
19:28doesn't work today in the environment
19:30you're trying to build now with a
19:31partner who actually loves you.
19:33A stable partner is not going to be the
19:35same as the people that adapted you in
19:37the first place. That's why you're not
19:39going to be happy today. You've blocked
19:41off the parts of yourself that are
19:42capable of building your own happiness.
19:45The question here is not if you can
19:47change this, cuz you can. The question
19:49is what happens next. This leads us into
19:52what we call phase three, the reckoning.
19:55And step 11, specifically the darkest
19:58reckoning moment. This is the point
20:00where the avoidant people think they
20:02have to do internal work on themselves.
20:04For some reason, I'm not connected to my
20:06fiance, my spouse, my wife, my husband,
20:10my boyfriend, my girlfriend, whoever it
20:12is. For some reason, I'm not connected.
20:14They're perfect on paper. It must be my
20:17fault. I've done this 15 times already
20:19anyway. It always ends up this way. I
20:22must be broken. So, they shift toward
20:24full avoidant mode, trying to figure out
20:26things alone inside. They go even more
20:30internal and even more shut off. You
20:32start feeling less connection than ever,
20:34and they're more more silent.
20:38From 5 months and 7 months, that's
20:40another dopamine cliff, they start to go
20:42dark. Okay? Over the next 3 to 5 months,
20:46they'll probably share less than they
20:47ever have before. Nothing, in fact.
20:50They're ruthlessly calculating in their
20:52head. Every time you see them, they are
20:54thinking very hard about something and
20:57distracted, but won't tell you what it
20:59is.
21:00From 7 to especially 12 months, they're
21:02asking themselves, "How long can I
21:05endure this as it gets worse and worse.
21:08Can I just buckle down, settle, give up,
21:12and hope someday that a family fulfills
21:14me? Now, this is where step 12, the
21:16rupture, happens. Some kind of a big
21:19disagreement hits. They finally admit
21:21this is not what they signed up for. The
21:23expected feeling is gone. There's anger,
21:26there's panic, there's destabilization
21:28on both sides. Everything the avoidant
21:30person now is is afraid of happening
21:32starts happening. The relationship feels
21:35like a trap. I don't know. I I'm just
21:37not feeling it. I I just am not feeling
21:38it. What do you mean? It's been 12
21:40months. You told me you loved me. You
21:42told me you want to get married. We're
21:43supposed to be getting married soon. You
21:44gave me a ring last week. Yeah, I know.
21:46I I just I'm just not feeling it. Maybe
21:49we're not meant to be together, which of
21:50course, to the avoidant person, sounds
21:53like you're proposing a topic to discuss
21:55intellectually, but to the other person,
21:57especially if they're anxious, sounds
21:58like abandonment. "Maybe we're not meant
22:01to be together." says, "I am leaving you
22:02right now." Of course, everything begins
22:04to feel worse. Okay? The other person's
22:06panicking, hurt, afraid, confused, and
22:09the avoidant person doesn't have the
22:10bonding chemicals that would make
22:12working through this feel good or feel
22:15worth it.
22:16They don't have a vasopressin or
22:18oxytocin bond. Dopamine is gone. They
22:21have nothing left. This is where step
22:2313, the decision, comes in. Around month
22:2611 or 12 after the rupture, they make a
22:28very firm decision. Avoidant people
22:30usually say something that's like this
22:32very pridefully, "I never go back on
22:34decisions once I make them."
22:36They make a silent, internal, flawed
22:39decision based on information that's not
22:40quite true. The decision is internal
22:43alone. They say, "I'm never going to
22:45feel right with you. I thought it was
22:48going to feel great, but it doesn't. It
22:50never equaled out to the feeling like
22:52home that I was looking for.
22:54I never reached the point I thought I
22:56did or would, so the relationship is
22:59inherently flawed and doomed. It is time
23:01to end this experiment and admit it
23:05won't work. Thank you for trying. I wish
23:07you the best. Goodbye. They make this
23:09decision internally without even
23:11speaking to you. This is what they're
23:13thinking about from 7 to 12 months. Five
23:16months of silent internal calculations
23:19that you're not allowed to have a part
23:20in. Now, ultimately the process here is
23:22that they didn't bond properly. Not
23:24because the partner was wrong
23:25necessarily, because the avoidant
23:27person's system never allowed the bond
23:29to form. And to be clear, this is not
23:32intentional, I choose not to bond with
23:35you, it's I want it and don't know how
23:37to make it happen and I'm afraid of what
23:39would happen if I did these stupid
23:42things like talking and being
23:43vulnerable, not realizing that's
23:45actually what would build the
23:46connection. This leads us to step 14,
23:48the fork. Two paths open up at this
23:51point once they've made the decision,
23:53okay?
23:54Path A, they decide to shut down. They
23:56say, "I'm out." They blow up the
23:58relationship, it's done. They walk away
24:00believing they made a rational decision
24:01based on how they felt. They don't
24:03realize the feeling itself was
24:05inherently flawed, okay? This is the
24:08problem. They blow it up, they're done,
24:10they go back on the dating market, they
24:12usually grab Tinder within 3 days and
24:15find someone else to have sex with to
24:16get the dopamine back into their system.
24:19Right? The starvation and hunger they've
24:21had all this time, they say, "Ah, I'm
24:23just going to enjoy myself for a little
24:24while, no big deal." And they run back
24:26into the dopamine wheel. Path B, they
24:28choose to surrender at this point.
24:31They give up their shell and they shrink
24:33towards a low energy state before
24:35showing vulnerability. It's a kind of
24:37giving up, but in a direction of
24:39openness rather than escape. This is
24:41where they might say, "All right,
24:43something's not right here and I don't
24:45know what it is." Usually an avoidant
24:46person doesn't do this on the first pass
24:48through the cycle. They might do this at
24:5035, 45, 55, 65. I had someone come in
24:55recently do this at 78. He had been
24:58avoidant his entire life and at 78 years
25:02old said, "You know, maybe something's
25:04off with me. I wonder if that could be
25:06the answer." 78 years old. Imagine 78
25:10years of cycling through these over and
25:12over and over and over. Nobody's more
25:14frustrated than the person who realizes
25:15that at 78, by the way. Now, if an
25:18avoidant person takes path A, they get
25:20back on the hamster wheel and do it
25:21again. If they take path B,
25:24even if they blow up the relationship
25:25and then take path B, or if they take
25:28path B during the relationship, ideally,
25:30right? It leads us to step 15, the
25:33repair. [snorts] And this leads into
25:35phase four, the rebuild. If the avoidant
25:39person has a partner who's actually
25:40nurturing and understanding, somebody
25:43who is not a doormat and anxiously
25:45attached in that way and collapses, but
25:47someone who does have expectations, but
25:49is patient, kind, and gentle. Gentle
25:52accountability, clear expectations, but
25:54reasonable and loving, okay? If the
25:57avoidant person therefore has mostly a
25:59secure relationship with a mostly secure
26:01person, they can actually start
26:03rebuilding the trust. The avoidant
26:04person might say, "Hey, something is not
26:06right here and I don't know what it is.
26:08Something doesn't feel right. I'm not
26:10feeling what I would hope to feel." And
26:12at this point the partner might be able
26:14to say,
26:15"Okay.
26:16Let's talk about that. What would you
26:18need?" If the partner's more secure
26:20doing their attachment work, they might
26:21say, "Tell me what you would need. What
26:23do you actually need? Let's build this
26:25together." Here's where anxiously
26:26attached people get this wrong. The
26:28anxiously attached brain inevitably
26:30says, "I'm doing something wrong." So
26:33then the brain says, "What would I need
26:34to do?" And that's what they ask their
26:36partner, "What do you need me to do?
26:38What do you need me to do? What can I do
26:40for you?" The avoidant The anxious
26:42person is trying to fawn and please and
26:45the avoidant person immediately goes to,
26:46"Well, what would give me dopamine?"
26:48Well, wear these outfits, right? Do
26:50these things. Act this way. Do your
26:52makeup different, right? Wear a bikini,
26:53stand on one leg in a bucket of potato
26:56salad and flap your arms like a
26:57flamingo. Anything that might change the
27:00dopamine. This is where people start
27:01talking about opening the relationship.
27:03Well, you don't make me feel good, but
27:05maybe if I could sleep with other girls
27:07prettier than you, it would work. By the
27:09way, never works. I highly recommend not
27:11taking that path, but that's where
27:13they'll open it up and say, "I don't
27:14know." And the anxious person says,
27:15"Well, what would be worse? You leaving
27:18me or you cheating on me?" Well, it's
27:20not cheating if we agree. Okay, I guess.
27:23This is where a lot of anxious people
27:24say they pressured me into opening the
27:26relationship. Not usually. We made an
27:29agreement that I didn't like but said I
27:31would and would go along with and
27:33pretended to be okay with. Quite often
27:35I've seen that dynamic play out,
27:37especially among younger couples. Okay,
27:38that is not the answer. The answer here
27:40is getting something besides dopamine.
27:43Okay? We have to be properly bonded
27:45through oxytocin and vasopressin, which
27:47is why a more secure partner saying,
27:50"How can we build a connection that
27:52feels right? What would you need? Not
27:56what should I do? What would you need?
27:59Under what circumstances would you get
28:02that feeling?" And the avoidant person's
28:04brain says, "I don't know." By having
28:06that calm conversation about needs,
28:08feelings, and expectations, the avoidant
28:10person feels received and cared for and
28:13not demonized. But they also start
28:15trying to figure out how to solve a
28:16problem. They begin vasopressin bonding
28:18with their partner. For the first time
28:20ever, the avoidant person feels
28:22received, loved, and connected. This is
28:25where they start to feel that feeling of
28:26at home that they've always been
28:28chasing. By having this conversation
28:30with a reasonable, calm partner who
28:32doesn't try to perform but tries to
28:35co-create, that's when avoidant person
28:37who's ready can begin changing their
28:39dynamic. This leads us to step 16, the
28:42reset. Now, over a period of time, the
28:45avoidant person might detect that
28:47they're hyper-tuned for stress. This is
28:50where if they come in and work with me
28:51and my team, we begin recalibrating
28:53their nervous system. Your nervous
28:55system runs so hot and so intense that
28:57you're chronically in a sympathetic
28:59nervous system activation mode in your
29:01vagus nerve. We need to get you to a
29:03parasympathetic rest and digest mode, a
29:06second mode. For avoidant people, the
29:07language they like, especially men, is a
29:10you have a war mode, let's give you a
29:12peace mode. That's what's been missing
29:14for them. Okay? They need to feel and
29:16experience things like their own
29:18emotions, vulnerabilities, emotional
29:21truth, received well by other people. I
29:25am cared for.
29:27You listen to me and don't get angry or
29:29scared or upset. You listen and work
29:32with me. It doesn't even mean agreeing
29:34with them. It means treating them like a
29:36human being and staying calm. Okay? This
29:38is a stressful period for them, but that
29:41means it's a high vasopressin bonding
29:42period for them. By going through stress
29:44and fear and pain with someone else who
29:46guides them through it, or even just
29:48walks beside them, they vasopressin bond
29:50to that person. That opens the receptors
29:53for oxytocin. As the cortisol
29:55diminishes, they start to feel oxytocin
29:58in love.
29:59They're bonding through oxytocin
30:00receptors that have been dusty and
30:03cobwebby. Actually, they've shifted away
30:05from oxytocin. They shift back to
30:07receive oxytocin again. It's a
30:09fascinating process to watch because the
30:11avoidant person becomes addicted to that
30:12feeling, which is what they were afraid
30:14of, by the way. But it's someone safe
30:16and loving, so they keep coming back to
30:18it.
30:19You can tell they love it and are
30:21unsettled at the same time, but their
30:23whole life begins to skew. This leads us
30:25to step 17, what we call the recovery.
30:27This takes anywhere from 12 to 18 months
30:30of diligent additional work with their
30:32partner. In year two and year three of a
30:35relationship, they can become fully
30:38connected, emotionally bonded. Hey, it
30:41gives them a second mode to flip into.
30:43Instead of taking away their operator
30:45mode or war mode like they like to call
30:47it, it gives them an additional peace
30:49mode to rest and recover in. I can go to
30:53work and flip into war and operator
30:55mode. When I come home, because you are
30:57there to receive me, because I don't
31:00have to guard myself with you or guard
31:02my thoughts, because I can share
31:04unfiltered thoughts with you, I can let
31:06my shield down at home. I can actually
31:08rest with you. That's the feeling of
31:11oxytocin that they've been denied all of
31:13their life. That's what they were
31:14starving for, biochemically starving
31:17for, by the way. This leads into step
31:2018, the rebuild.
31:22They [snorts] begin to rebuild secure
31:23attachment, what's called remade secure.
31:26Not just with their partner, but by the
31:27way, everywhere else in their life, too.
31:30What feels incredible with one person,
31:32their brain starts to say, "I wonder if
31:34I can do this with my best friend." They
31:36can deploy secure behaviors with their
31:38kids, if they have children together,
31:40with their family, with their friends,
31:43with other people. They can start
31:45finding a lot more joy and life, the
31:46feeling they were always looking for. By
31:48the way, I have plenty of couples come
31:50in who have been married for 20 years,
31:52he has an affair, it's revealed, and she
31:55says, "Okay, I need to understand what
31:57happened. I'm willing to work with you,
31:59but I don't know what you did or why."
32:02And he says, "I don't know, either."
32:04And that kicks him into this entire
32:06process where he begins saying, "I need
32:09to understand me, because I'm angry at
32:12myself for breaching my ethics and
32:15allowing myself to do this, and I will
32:16never do it again. So, I need to
32:19change." And that kicks him into this
32:21loop. This is where he begins to deploy
32:23that love with everyone else in his
32:25life, and his entire world changes. He
32:28feels like a human being for the first
32:30time ever, and he feels like others love
32:33him. Now, this leads into steps 19 and
32:3520, which can sometimes happen
32:37simultaneously or so rapidly they blend
32:39together. It's what remade security
32:42feels like. Okay? Remade security feels
32:45like on the inside something very
32:47specific. My clients describe it like
32:48this. You are allowed to have thoughts
32:50or worry about things and you can
32:52immediately check in with the other
32:53person. Hey, I'm having this thought. Is
32:55this accurate or not?
32:57Hey, I think you expect this thing from
32:59me. Is that true?
33:00Hey, what do you actually want from me?
33:02Hey, I'm worried you might be mad at me
33:03about something. Are you actually? And
33:05if so, what do we need to do about it? I
33:07I don't want to play that game anymore.
33:08Hey, here's a challenge that I'm
33:09experiencing. Do you think you could
33:11work with me in on troubleshooting this
33:12together? It's being able to fully
33:14resolve fear very quickly
33:16and reliably and consistently. That
33:18creates a bonding process that changes
33:20the neural pathway because you're
33:22directly confronting the fear. Now, it's
33:24a long process and the reason I split
33:26this into two steps is this. One, you
33:28begin doing this, but you're uncertain
33:30about it. And two, this becomes your new
33:34normal behavior because you love it.
33:37You're biochemically incentivized to do
33:39it. It's rewarding. It feels good. You
33:43remap those fears and thoughts on neural
33:45pathways again and again and again until
33:48you get to a place where it becomes
33:49almost effortless and natural for you.
33:52You're doing it so consistently you're
33:54not having those big fear sparks
33:56anymore. The most beautiful part is that
33:58your life has no more guessing in it in
33:59your relationships. Full transparency
34:02that's comfortable for you. You are
34:04understood and you understand others at
34:06the same time. And you can feel at home
34:08in your relationships. Family, friends,
34:11partner, maybe even professionally.
34:13Everything begins to feel safe and
34:16settled and now you get to enjoy the
34:18fruits of all that work. You don't have
34:20to worry the way that you used to. Now,
34:22here's the real question of what
34:24separates the relationships that
34:25transform from the relationships that
34:27stay stuck in the same loop. Both kind
34:30of couples actually love each other.
34:32Both kind of couples wish it would work.
34:35The difference is knowing which step
34:36you're on and what that step actually
34:38requires from both of you. The couples
34:40who transform understand that avoidant
34:42bonding doesn't work like regular
34:44bonding at the beginning. You can't
34:46oxytocin your way into their heart if
34:48their receptors are blocked from you.
34:50You have to go through vasopressin
34:52first. That means problem solving,
34:54shared challenges, facing fear and
34:57hardship together and overcoming it.
35:00Another way of putting that is this,
35:01your nervous system knows you are safe
35:04through actions, not just through empty
35:06words. Knowing these 20 steps puts you
35:08ahead of 90% of people who are trying to
35:10navigate avoidant attachment style. You
35:12now understand what's happening and why.
35:15What you need next is the how. The
35:18specific tools for each step, the exact
35:21language that works, the strategies that
35:23match avoidant neurology instead of
35:24fighting against it. That is why I
35:27created the video course called how to
35:29love an avoidant man. It walks you
35:32through the rebuild steps in detail.
35:34What to say, what not to say, and how to
35:37build the vasopressin bonding you're
35:38looking for. Now, for those of you who
35:40need additional help to understand what
35:42to do. And frankly, that's going to be
35:43all of you cuz you've never gone through
35:45this together before. What you need Now,
35:47a lot of people I know are going to need
35:48additional help on this because you've
35:50never gone through it before and if you
35:52knew how to do it, you would have done
35:53it by now. That's why I put together my
35:55limited time Valentine's Day sale. I
35:58want you to have the tools that are
35:59accessible to you at price points that
36:02feel comfortable so that you can make
36:04sure you know what to do going forward.
36:06So that you can go into those rebuilding
36:07steps in details and come out with
36:10confidence. How to navigate through the
36:12withdrawal effects as well without
36:13triggering more withdrawal and
36:15especially how to create specific
36:17conditions where secure attachment
36:19becomes possible not only for you as a
36:21couple, but in the rest of your life,
36:23too. The link for that Valentine's Day
36:25special is down in the description
36:27below. Now, if you found this video
36:29helpful, I want to show you something
36:30that people miss entirely. There's a
36:32very specific test that avoidant men run
36:34in relationships that looks like
36:36disinterest, but is actually a very
36:38critical opportunity for rebuilding the
36:40relationship. Get that one test wrong
36:42and you will trigger even more
36:44withdrawals. But if you get it right,
36:46you'll build the exact kind of trust
36:48that opens the door to the deeper steps.
36:50There's a very specific test that
36:52avoidant men run in relationships that
36:54looks like disinterest, but is actually
36:56a very critical opportunity. If you get
36:58that one wrong, you will trigger more
37:00withdrawals. But if you get it right,
37:02you'll build the exact kind of trust
37:03that opens the door to the deeper steps.
37:06That video is right here.

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