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Healing Through Pastoral Care — Transcript

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0:06good evening and welcome to boss
0:09my name is Melinda Brown Donna
0:12director of continuing education for the
0:15school of theology and ministry I'm
0:18delighted to welcome all of you this
0:20evening as a matter of fact we had 98
0:22people register for this but the very
0:24nice weather I think has kept them out
0:27out of our room here this seems to
0:30happen every spring but we're glad
0:32you're here this is the last
0:35presentation for this academic year of
0:38our themed lectures around the theme of
0:40hope for healing and this evening we
0:44will be presenting the final and very
0:47foundational component of that theme
0:50with the presentation healing through
0:52past orchestral care it's now my honor
0:56to introduce our presenter Melissa Kelly
0:59in fact it's the second time in 12 days
1:02that I've had the privilege of
1:04introducing her so she does a great deal
1:06for us here Melissa started her career
1:10teaching high school English and French
1:12for seven years realizing that she most
1:15enjoyed the one-on-one connections with
1:18students she pursued a master's degree
1:21from the Boston College Institute for
1:23religious education and Paschal ministry
1:26this degree led her to 14 years as a
1:30campus minister at both Emmanuel College
1:33and Boston College after completing her
1:37PhD in pastoral psychology from Boston
1:40University she served on the faculty of
1:43Western Jesuit school of theology in
1:45Cambridge Melissa now serves as
1:48associate professor of pastoral care and
1:51counseling and contextual education at
1:54the school of theology and ministry her
1:57courses include death and dying grief
2:00and loss and grief and the Bible a
2:03course which she Co teaches with a
2:05member of the Old Testament faculty
2:08melissa is a fellow and national
2:11nationally certified pastoral counselor
2:14through the American Association of
2:16pastoral counselors she is also
2:19certified in Tanit ology death dying and
2:22beer event through the association for
2:25death education
2:26and counseling the primary organization
2:29in the country for beer easement
2:31researchers educators and clinicians she
2:34is the author of grief contemporary
2:37theory and the practice of ministry
2:39published in 2010 by Augsburg fortress
2:43Press
2:43please join me in welcoming Melissa
2:46Kelly Thank You Melinda and thank you
2:54all for being here this evening I do
2:56know when the nice weather beckons it's
2:59very hard to kind of commit to anything
3:01so I appreciate your being here it's
3:04always wonderful to when we do an event
3:06like this I always see folks that I know
3:08and it's just wonderful to see so many
3:11of you that that I have known in some
3:14cases for years and you know as some of
3:19you started coming in the door the last
3:21half hour or so they're just thinking to
3:24myself you know I don't know the
3:27specifics of what really most of you do
3:31many of you I have not yet met I don't
3:33know the specifics of what you do but I
3:35but I know you know everyone is out
3:40there doing their best to do good work
3:43in the world that's what draws you to an
3:46evening like this that's what draws you
3:48to reflect on the topics of healing and
3:50pastoral care and even without knowing
3:53the specifics I'm moved by knowing what
3:56this room represents what all of you
3:57represent and I want to thank you for
3:59that in ministry settings and in schools
4:05of ministry such as this we talk about
4:08pastoral care all the time not always
4:13with a whole lot of specificity it's one
4:15of those words or phrases like community
4:18that we tend to use and don't always
4:20know exactly how we're using it or if
4:24others understand how we're meaning it
4:27pastoral care is also frequently
4:29described as a Ministry of healing well
4:33healing is another one of those words
4:35what precisely does that mean
4:39to call pastoral care a Ministry of
4:42healing how do we understand that and
4:48how do we understand how such healing
4:50might actually occur so tonight what I
4:53would like to do is offer some thoughts
4:55that invite us to look at that that
5:00phrase pastoral care as a Ministry of
5:03healing some of what I offer will no
5:05doubt be familiar to us from years of
5:08study from your practice I'm also going
5:12to offer some newer ways that some folks
5:14are talking about pastoral care today
5:18first though I think it's helpful to
5:21clarify some of the terms that we're
5:22using so pastoral we know derives from
5:27the Middle English and then the Latin
5:30posture release meaning the Shepherd the
5:33pastor the herdsmen and so for the
5:37Christian the ultimate model of pastoral
5:40care of course is the Good Shepherd what
5:46do we mean by pastoral care this is a
5:49definition that I find very helpful and
5:52very moving to me this is by Gene
5:53Stephenson muster who said pastoral care
5:57is an outreach of compassion often
6:01accompanied by an action of care the
6:05compassion comes first it's grounded in
6:09compassion and then often but perhaps
6:14not always there's some sort of action
6:16that attaches to it and she says the
6:19action might be as ordinary as offering
6:21food to someone who's isolated and
6:24lonely or as complicated as intervening
6:26in a medical crisis whatever the form of
6:31care this outreach of compassion is
6:35grounded in a faith community it's done
6:40as part of her on behalf of a faith
6:42community who offers pastoral care well
6:47of course we know like probably many of
6:49you in the room we often think of it as
6:52the work
6:52the religious leader the priest the lay
6:55ecclesial Minister and of course this is
7:00an essential part of all of those roles
7:02but it's not restricted to them of
7:04course pastoral care is also often the
7:07work of all the faithful so I'm sure
7:10many of you are in parishes or faith
7:12communities where there are LAIV is it a
7:15shove and support groups that's an
7:17important part of pastoral care usually
7:21done with some training what we are all
7:27doing in pastoral care is being present
7:31to one another at the important times of
7:35life and sometimes the ordinary moments
7:36of life
7:37so of course pastoral care is called for
7:40in times of joy and celebration you know
7:43we're on hand for baptisms and weddings
7:44etc but often as we know it's needed
7:48when folks are really struggling and
7:50suffering when they've experienced
7:53sadness or crisis or loss or transition
7:56or they're making important decisions or
7:58relationships are faltering or ending
8:01etc this is where healing may be
8:04especially needed so this will be my
8:07primary focus tonight those moments that
8:10call for healing and clearly at such
8:13times we do want to begin with
8:15compassion that is the essence of what
8:20people need and what we're called to
8:22offer and to me this slide has one of
8:28the most beautiful expressions of that
8:30compassion that I've ever seen as a
8:34description of pastoral care Milton vey
8:36he is a pastor and he describes his own
8:39mentor as someone who cast the bread of
8:44gentle compassion upon the troubled
8:47waters of other people's lives I just
8:50think that's beautiful it says it says
8:53it all really to cast the bread of
8:56gentle compassion upon the troubled
8:59waters of other people's lives
9:04so with this understanding of sort of a
9:08little bit of a linguistic framework
9:10what I would like to do now is invite us
9:12to think about healing what do we mean
9:14when we say healing and I have one
9:19visual aid tonight it's a box of
9:23band-aids now I'm not going to do what
9:26you might expect like oh yes you know we
9:28put bandages on people's deep spiritual
9:31wounds no I'm going to do something
9:32different I don't know if you all by
9:34band-aid brand bandages but a couple of
9:39weeks ago I was brushing my teeth or
9:43something and I was just kind of looking
9:45around for something to read and I
9:47noticed I look down on the top of this
9:51box of band-aids and lo and behold do
9:53you know what the slogan is you're going
9:57to be just fine and there's an
10:02exclamation point could there be a more
10:07reassuring slogan for a band-aid company
10:10you're going to be just fine exclamation
10:13point now um I don't know about you but
10:19as I look down at that I thought that's
10:22rather presumptuous of band-aid brand
10:25bandages how do they know I'm going to
10:29be just fine what do they know about my
10:33reason for needing these and why the
10:36exclamation point well of course you
10:40know I think it's no doubt reflects this
10:43desire we all have to believe that about
10:45ourselves about those we care about
10:47those we worry about everything's going
10:49to be just fine so it's actually
10:52probably quite a clever motto slogan for
10:57a bandage company I'll pass it around so
11:00you can see it firsthand
11:03and if you have need there are actually
11:06bandages in sight so this actually may
11:11be exactly how some of us would think
11:14about healing at least in some settings
11:16returning someone to a state of being
11:18just find or or normal or regaining
11:27health or cure you know those are some
11:33of the ways we would probably think of
11:35healing is at least physical healing and
11:38in fact those are some of the
11:40definitions we could find in the
11:41dictionary these are some of the ones
11:43that I found healing is to restore to
11:46health or soundness to set right to
11:51repair to restore a person to spiritual
11:55wholeness so my question for us is is
12:02this the goal the work the promise of
12:06pastoral care to assure people that they
12:10will be cured restore to wholeness or
12:14just fine exclamation point that
12:18exclamation point
12:19just makes me laugh you know as if it
12:22needed extra emphasis well perhaps in
12:26some sense this is the work of pastoral
12:28care but we clearly want to dig into
12:30that more and so to help us dig into
12:33that I'm going to look at healing
12:35through pastoral care first by talking
12:38about the what of it the wear of it the
12:42when of it and the how of it so first
12:48what might pastoral care heal well we
12:54know and I'm sure you all know from your
12:56work that in times of loss or suffering
12:58a crisis many people describe that
13:01experience as something like brokenness
13:04and sometimes people actually use those
13:07words things feel broken after a
13:10relationship ends people might say I've
13:12had my heart broken again
13:15or my dreams have been shattered broken
13:21or the stories the future someone
13:25thought was laid out in front of them
13:28gone it's all in pieces these are words
13:30that I frequently hear people use at a
13:33time of loss everything is in pieces
13:35shattered fragmented broken destroyed
13:39what can also be broken are ones images
13:43of oneself or others or even of God so
13:48for instance we all know CS Lewis the
13:51wonderful author and theologian who
13:55wrote a grief observed after the death
13:57of his wife joy his beloved wife joy and
14:00this is one thing he said about his
14:03image of God not that I am I think
14:07in much danger of ceasing to believe in
14:10God the real danger is of coming to
14:13believe such dreadful things about him
14:16the conclusion I'd read is not so
14:20there's no God after all but so this is
14:24what God is really like deceive yourself
14:28no longer four CS Lewis it was a journey
14:32of figuring out what to do with a broken
14:35image of God and so for many folks an
14:40experience of loss or crisis can also
14:42lead to broken faith the faith that had
14:46sustained them up until then in which
14:48they had put all their hopes it isn't
14:51working isn't holding it's broken so
14:56that's a bit of the what of pastoral
15:00care with my pastoral care heal
15:02now what about where this is one area
15:06where newer work is challenging some of
15:10the more traditional understandings of
15:12pastoral care many of us who went to
15:14school or studied pastoral care 20 and
15:1915 even 10 years ago we were probably
15:22focused primarily on one-on-one care
15:24would that be true of many of you what
15:27to say to the one individual who comes
15:29to
15:29for help or what to say to the one
15:31person in the hospital bed who's in
15:33crisis or what to say to the one student
15:36whose family is falling apart
15:39what we are realizing more and more is
15:42that pastoral care is bigger than needs
15:45to be bigger than simply one-on-one care
15:48we need to think systemically and
15:51structurally that often the entity in
15:55need of care is a whole community or a
15:59whole family or a whole system or a
16:01whole organization that doesn't mean the
16:04individuals don't also need the care but
16:06it's bigger than individuals often and
16:10we are being challenged to think
16:13globally more and more about pastoral
16:16care as we become a global village what
16:19affects one person on one side of the
16:21world in a very real way affects all of
16:23us and so pastoral care needs to move
16:26out of whatever sort of parochial
16:28limitations we might have one's had and
16:31at least cognitively understand that
16:35disconnects with what is happening
16:37throughout the world and it also
16:41connects to the natural world now we're
16:46worried about when might pastoral care
16:48heal obviously we know that after the
16:52fact after there's been a significant
16:54event there's a need for pastoral care
16:55and that's probably where most of us do
16:58most of our work after the fact but more
17:02and more I think we need to challenge
17:05ourselves in terms of how can we
17:09anticipate and even stave off suffering
17:13in the first place
17:14and I'd like to illustrate that point
17:19with two different experiences that I
17:24find incredibly painful that I think we
17:27have not yet done enough as a community
17:31of faith to address the first is what I
17:34call the grief born of injustice and the
17:37second is domestic violence and my point
17:39in bringing this to us as part of this
17:42present
17:44is to help us just to recall that
17:48comfort after the fact may be of poor
17:52consolation to someone whose grief or
17:56suffering never needed to happen and so
18:00part of our offering pastoral care may
18:03actually be to work ahead of time on the
18:06frontlines to prevent certain sorts of
18:10suffering it's a different way of
18:13thinking about pastoral care so what I
18:17mean by the grief born of injustice is
18:20grease that is due in whole or in part
18:24to injustice perhaps because it's caused
18:27by unjust actions or inactions of others
18:30or groups its grief that's not part of
18:34the natural order of things you know for
18:36instance when my wonderful grandmother
18:39who I still miss died at 104 a couple of
18:43years ago that was part of the natural
18:46order of things there was there was
18:48absolutely no shock or no regret that
18:54she had not lived her life fully but we
18:57know that that's not always the case
18:59some grief occurs that never needed to
19:02happen
19:03it was preventable and I'm sure you can
19:07think of a million examples and you
19:08probably work with folks who have
19:10experienced the grief born of injustice
19:12but let me give you what to me is always
19:14just the most horrifying example which
19:18is people dying of starvation and we
19:21know that 1.2 billion people live on a
19:24dollar a day or less in our world and
19:28then if you look at that third bullet
19:30down this is the kicker for me while
19:33worldwide food production is sufficient
19:36for feeding the world's population
19:38someone dies of starvation every 3.6
19:41seconds how can that be right and we
19:45know this statistic but how can that be
19:48whether there is enough food so to me
19:53this is the alternate example of the
19:55grief born of injustice
19:57that all of those grieving parents whose
20:01children die of starvation or die of
20:03unsanitary conditions or lack of access
20:05to clean water all of that grief was
20:08preventable
20:12so another painful example is domestic
20:19violence we know these statistics
20:22probably pretty well to that in this
20:25country eighty-five percent of the
20:27victims of domestic violence are women
20:29and if we think just about women for a
20:33moment one in four will experience
20:36domestic violence in her lifetime so if
20:39we just look at ourselves in this room
20:41and we just crunch the numbers many of
20:45us in this room are going to be affected
20:47by domestic violence we already have
20:50every time we stand before a faith
20:54community I just assume now that there's
20:59a large percentage of folks have been
21:01touched by domestic violence now the
21:04good news is the u.s. bishops have
21:07actually produced wonderful material
21:09speaking out about domestic violence
21:11with sample homilies etc the bad news is
21:15a lot of people don't seem to know about
21:17that and I have to say every year when I
21:20teach anything I try to bring domestic
21:22violence and to just about every course
21:23I teach because I just think it's such a
21:25horrible crisis and every year I have to
21:31say and it kills me to have to say but I
21:33always have to say to the students I
21:34have yet to hear a homily or a
21:40reflection on domestic violence in a
21:44faith community now that does mean of
21:46course they're being given I'm just not
21:48there but in the places where I go I
21:50have yet to hear it never never never
21:53never have I heard anyone speak out
21:56about domestic violence so when we talk
22:01about pastoral care and comfort and
22:05compassion and the action of care what
22:08is it
22:09we need to do we must do we can do on
22:12the front lines ahead of time to avoid
22:16having to offer pastoral care to folks
22:19who have been victimized in these ways
22:21so we can think of this what I would
22:26call it is prophetic pastoral care
22:29they're not you know there was a day I
22:31think when we used to think you know
22:32some of us are called to prophetic
22:34ministry some of us are called to
22:36pastoral care ministry and they're
22:37really very separate well quickly no
22:39that's not true it's all of a piece
22:42again how does one offer pastoral care
22:45to someone whose grief or suffering was
22:47preventable
22:49so I would like to propose that when
22:54pastoral care happens is sometimes ahead
22:57of time anticipating working for justice
23:00structural change as part of care of
23:04others healing ahead of time in a way so
23:11now what I'd like to do is turn to the
23:13question of how pastoral care might heal
23:15after the what the when and the where
23:18how how does it actually happen now this
23:21is a tough one right how does one how
23:25does one put healing in a formula
23:28well I can't the best I can do is offer
23:32you three perspectives that I have come
23:35to find very very helpful valuable that
23:39resonate with a lot of folks either who
23:41have felt that these were helpful to
23:44them or folks who in their own care
23:47caregiving find that these are effective
23:50and helpful I have found these very
23:52helpful in my own work the common
23:55denominator among these three
23:56perspectives is relationship and we know
24:01from a lot of research in therapy and
24:03counseling if you ask folks if they have
24:06found their therapy helpful or healing
24:10among those folks who say yes and then
24:13you say well what was it was it the
24:15technique was it the method what was it
24:19the vast majority of folks will say it
24:22was the relationship
24:23with the therapist no matter what the
24:25therapists method was now that's
24:28interesting because it's sort of
24:30encourages people to move in psychology
24:33to move beyond some of the the Wars
24:35about the best methods
24:36I mean methods matter but what we are
24:39learning over and over and over and over
24:41and over again is that most people will
24:43say what was most healing was the
24:45relationship they felt the care they
24:48felt the compassion they felt the
24:50trustworthiness of the other so the
24:55first perspective I would like to offer
24:57you is coming out of this idea of
25:01brokenness that we mentioned a few
25:05slides ago that for many people an
25:07experience of suffering or crisis can
25:10feel like brokenness and so the first
25:15perspective on how pastoral care can
25:18heal is that the pastoral caregiver
25:21whether it's an individual caregiver or
25:24the community can create what can feel
25:29like a holding environment for the
25:33person who feels broken now if you have
25:36ever broken anything that you've loved
25:37and it shattered into pieces what's the
25:39first thing you often want to do you
25:42yeah you get those pieces together right
25:45you don't want them being kicked under
25:46the table or something it or stepped on
25:49and crushed and we can regard them we
25:51save them until we figure out what to do
25:53in our experiences of brokenness we
25:58often need want must feel held some
26:04somebody has to help us feel like the
26:06pieces are going to be held now that can
26:11sound kind of simple but I want to say
26:14to you don't ever underestimate the
26:16power of that I have heard from so many
26:19folks in grieving over the years that
26:22what was most helpful to them you know
26:25sometimes people worry about what to say
26:26I don't know what to say you know this
26:29is such a tragedy or crisis I don't know
26:31what to say and what most folks say is
26:33or at least what they've shared with me
26:35is I don't even remember what
26:37people said I remember who showed up I
26:39remember who helped me to feel like
26:42there was a safety net under me that
26:44language is safety net is another
26:46metaphor for holding that's what we
26:50remember when we show up at our
26:52worshiping community on Sundays or
26:55Saturdays you know we're probably not
26:58thinking to ourselves I am now doing my
27:01part to hold the brokenness of this
27:03community but we are that's exactly what
27:07we're doing if we weren't there the
27:09safety nets a little less taught a
27:11little less full and a lot of people
27:15rely on that feeling of being held by
27:18the community in their brokenness and it
27:21is through that feeling of being held
27:23that many people can at least begin to
27:27feel or understand what we talk about
27:30when we say oh god holds us in our
27:33brokenness God is always holding us
27:36sometimes people don't really know what
27:38that means
27:39because it's never been their experience
27:42but if we have a human experience of it
27:46a communal experience of it sometimes it
27:49can become easier to at least imagine a
27:52divine experience of it the second
28:00perspective I'd like to offer draws on
28:02the work of Merle Jordan who I consider
28:07one of the most significant pastoral
28:11psychologists of our day he's the author
28:16of several important books on exactly
28:19this how healing occurs through pastoral
28:22counseling in particular and three of
28:24his offerings that I want to lift up for
28:27us he has this wonderful phrase he says
28:31that all of us live an implicit
28:37theological drama now it's implicit
28:41because probably there are lots of days
28:43that go by where we do not say to
28:45ourselves now how did I act out of my
28:48theological convictions today
28:51we might we might do an exam enough
28:54consciousness or something or
28:56examination of conscience our spiritual
28:59practice might invite that but there is
29:02a lot that occurs on any given day for
29:05us that's out of our awareness and yet
29:08it's deeply theological and often it's
29:11at times of crisis or loss that the the
29:15theological drama gets a little more
29:17explicit you know for instance do we
29:22feel that we have been abandoned in our
29:25suffering by God many people do at least
29:27initially and then they may kind of live
29:31out of that I had conversations with
29:33some folks over the years who feel so
29:37abandoned by God that then they say
29:38something like well so now I'm ignoring
29:40God if God's ignoring me so I'm giving
29:44God the cold shoulder now you know
29:46that's part of the implicit theological
29:48drama that gets a little clearer
29:50sometimes in times of crisis or loss
29:53it's related to this second point the
29:56operational versus professed theologies
30:00Jordan and and others use this language
30:06as well but Jordan helps us just to draw
30:08a distinction between these two they may
30:11be closely related but they're not
30:13always so our professed theology is that
30:17theology which we articulate and to
30:20which we give cognitive assent meaning
30:22if I said to any one of you tell me how
30:26you understand God's role in sufferings
30:28whatever it is you would say is part of
30:31your professor theology it's what's
30:33consciously available to you and that
30:35you articulate and presumably you assent
30:38to but of course we know not all of our
30:42theology operates in a conscious level
30:45there's also what Jordan calls our
30:47operational theology this is the
30:50theology that is sometimes out of
30:52awareness for us and yet it has
30:54tremendous power in our lives it shapes
31:00our worldview how we see ourselves how
31:03we understand really
31:06how we make meaning for instance I will
31:14share a story that years ago I talked
31:20with a woman whose daughter had been
31:23diagnosed with breast cancer and this
31:28was a big shock to the family and the
31:33mother was a very devout pious Catholic
31:39woman and had had really sort of
31:42dedicated her life to praying for her
31:44children and for their well-being well
31:47then her daughter got diagnosed with
31:48breast cancer so we were talking about
31:52the shock of it all and she said to me
31:55well you know I have sort of been
32:00slacking off in my prayer lately because
32:04all my children seem to be doing pretty
32:05well and so I've gotten a little lazy
32:08and so maybe one good thing that could
32:11come out of this is that I'll get back
32:13to praying but she said isn't it too bad
32:17that my daughter had to pay the price
32:20now do you hear what do you hear what
32:22that is that was her operational
32:25theology bubbling up and she was shocked
32:27as soon as it came out of her mouth she
32:28was shocked that was her operational
32:31theology bubbling up that at least on
32:33some unconscious level that she might
32:35not even really have known about there
32:38was a part of her that believed that God
32:41could punish someone with breast cancer
32:44because someone else wasn't praying
32:46enough now when something bubbles up
32:52like that you know people we may be and
32:55probably many of us have had such
32:56moments right where all of them you
32:58think wow did I say that is that really
33:02part of my faith system my belief what
33:05it and so sometimes people want to kind
33:07of push it away or deny it like oh no I
33:09never said that that was a total
33:11Freudian slip
33:12well before we do that we want to sort
33:15of let it breathe a little
33:17it's also an incredible opportunity and
33:19this is sometimes what pastoral care
33:21provides is the opportunity to look at
33:24those ways that one's operational
33:26theology and professed theology may be
33:29dissonant or discordant and lift that up
33:32and say well what do we make of that and
33:34who is the God in whom you do want to
33:38hope and trust and so it can be an
33:41opportunity can be a wonderful
33:42opportunity a painful one and this last
33:47phrase that Merle Jordan offers us the
33:49last bullet here is that we may
33:51sometimes need to dethrone or D absolute
33:55Ty's idols sometimes what we discover as
33:58we grow up and work and become more
34:03self-aware or or experience loss or
34:05struggle sometimes we discover that we
34:08have made some things that are not God
34:12our God you know for many people to
34:16struggle with parental authority can
34:18last a lifetime
34:19you know sometimes as as elderly folks
34:24some people are more concerned still
34:25with what their parents would have
34:26thought than with what God thinks you
34:29know and that's not a blaming statement
34:31in England those early authority figures
34:34are just so important to us other things
34:39some for some people work becomes an
34:41idol of sorts or a god and of course we
34:46know anything that is not God is going
34:48to lead us astray ultimately
34:50if we make it our God and so sometimes
34:53in crisis or loss those false gods
34:56become clearer to us because they may
34:59fall away they're not going to hold us
35:02anymore and so it's an opportunity to
35:07clarify for ourselves
35:08who is God who is our God so that is the
35:13second perspective I'd like to propose
35:15on how pastoral care heals and the third
35:20perspective is work that we're seeing
35:24done in a lot of fields now in narrative
35:27narrative theology narrative psychology
35:31narrative therapy narrative meaning
35:34story is just huge now in a lot of
35:36different fields and for good reason
35:38because we know that we are people of
35:41stories and Christianity is a religion
35:44of stories in large part if we think of
35:50just our own individual lives we tend to
35:52think of our lives in terms of story you
35:55know for instance if I sat down next to
35:58one of you we haven't met and I said
36:00tell me about yourself what you would
36:02start to share would probably be at
36:04least eventually in the form of a story
36:06it wouldn't just be name rank and serial
36:08number
36:09you'd flesh it out you tell me about
36:11yourself you tell me where you grew up
36:13and what that was like and then I'd
36:15probably ask you questions that invited
36:16more of the story that's often how we
36:18interact right that's often what
36:21pastoral care asks tell me your story
36:24how is your story of ending up here in
36:28this hospital or in this office stories
36:37are so significant in pastoral care
36:40because stories often contain and
36:45articulate the meaning of our lives now
36:49that's sort of a lofty kind of abstract
36:53thought so let's break that down a
36:55little you know meaning a very sort of
37:00colloquial way of saying what is meaning
37:02is it's what gets us out of bed in the
37:04morning if you ever had those days where
37:07it's been really hard to get out of bed
37:08and not because you're tired but because
37:11maybe something about how your you've
37:14put your life together or how things are
37:17changing just leaves you asking
37:19questions about the meaning of it all
37:22well meanings and stories are intimately
37:26connected you know if I describe what is
37:30of most value to me well how did that
37:34become of most value to me often it's
37:36because of stories sometimes it's the
37:39family stories that were handed to me
37:41you know for instance in my family
37:43growing up that
37:44you know Irish family humor huge value
37:48people would compete at dinner who could
37:49be funnier you know that's that's a
37:52source of meaning for us education for
37:56many of us an important source of
37:58meaning the work probably all of you do
38:01or hope to do is a source of meaning for
38:03you and you might have learned it
38:05through family stories about what it
38:07means to be a Christian or what it means
38:09to be Catholic or what it means to be a
38:10good person or what it means to be
38:12working for God's reign we this gets
38:16communicated so often through stories
38:18and then at a certain point we start to
38:22create our own story and that's a that's
38:26more another source of our meaning you
38:28know like for many people it's very
38:30important that my story include
38:33partnership and children or
38:35grandchildren or wonderful friends it's
38:38part of the story so what happens to all
38:45of us at one point or another is what in
38:49the grief literature we call narrative
38:53disruption sometimes the story is
38:58disrupted or sometimes even destroyed
39:02you know for instance when someone dies
39:05young well for many of us that wasn't
39:09part of the story you know when people
39:12lose children or grandchildren often
39:14what I hear is that's not the way it's
39:17supposed to go children are not supposed
39:19to die before their parents it's a
39:22disruption to the story and when the
39:26story gets disrupted the meaning may
39:29very well get disrupted and so that's
39:33why you know meaning another way of
39:35thinking about meaning is how we make
39:36sense of things so have you noticed how
39:39often in a time of loss or crisis people
39:42will talk about this just doesn't make
39:44any sense
39:45this is senseless right we use that
39:48language a lot that's going to the
39:50meaning the meaning of this is just
39:53incomprehensible and the meaning that's
39:56left
39:57is now in jeopardy so the great
40:04challenge of loss this is the words of
40:07Robert Niemeyer who's a constructivist
40:12psychologist doing some of the best work
40:14in a contemporary understanding of grief
40:16right now and he works out of a
40:19narrative perspective and this is what
40:20he says like a novel that loses a
40:23central character in the middle chapters
40:25the life story disrupted by loss must be
40:29reorganized rewritten to find a new
40:32strand of continuity that bridges the
40:36past with the future in an intelligible
40:39fashion that's not easy and this is if
40:43you're doing pastoral care work this is
40:46a lot of what you're doing with folks
40:47this is one way of phrasing framing what
40:50you're doing is helping people figure
40:52out how to rewrite the story because the
40:55future story that was imagined perhaps
40:57is just impossible now you know if
41:02someone always imagined oh you know I'm
41:04going to work until I'm 70 that's when
41:07I'm going to retire and that's when the
41:09good times will begin and then there's
41:12struck with a terrible illness in their
41:1450s and never got to have the good times
41:18well that's a difficult future story to
41:22rewrite so how do we work in this area
41:30with folks it's important to realize in
41:38the work that we do that very often in
41:40crisis or loss its the meanings that
41:42have to be healed and very often those
41:45of theological meanings sometimes the
41:49theological meanings are harder to get
41:51to for instance how people feel about
41:54God's activity God's role in all of this
41:57you know some people may say one thing
42:01but it may not capture all of what
42:03they're thinking or feeling and it may
42:05be sort of an initial almost a defensive
42:08comment to really
42:11unpack the theological meaning of an
42:13event for someone sometimes can take
42:16quite a long time takes quite a lot of
42:18compassion and as we're doing this again
42:24it's the pastoral relationship that
42:27helps create the space the time the
42:30compassion for that to come to the
42:34surface and if the meaning is no longer
42:37going to hold sometimes the pastoral
42:40relationship provides the venue for
42:43reconstructing meaning you know for
42:46instance if someone has hung their hat
42:49on
42:52you know I am of value because I work
42:56really hard and I support my family and
42:58then they are unable to work for
43:02whatever reason illness or their laid
43:04off can't find a new job well there's a
43:08meaning that may have to get
43:09reconstructed how are they going to
43:12understand reinterpret their value and I
43:15think we see a lot of that happening now
43:17for a lot of folks I just heard today on
43:20the radio we're still years away from
43:22job levels a job stability at
43:30pre-recession levels we're years away
43:33say some so I you know this is an
43:36example that's ripped from the headlines
43:38lots of folks are struggling with
43:39meaning in that way but that's part of
43:42where the pastor relationship is so
43:43helpful because what we also know is
43:46that none of us creates meaning all by
43:49ourselves meanings are co-constructed if
43:55you think about anything that's
43:57meaningful to you if you think about
43:59what is most meaningful to you in your
44:02life my guess is you could come up with
44:06a list of folks who have helped to shape
44:08that meaning and it would probably be
44:10hard to come up with one that you could
44:12say oh no it was all me I'm the only one
44:15who shaped that meaning you know because
44:18we take in influences information
44:22everywhere all the time
44:25TS Eliot's poet said we had the
44:29experience but missed the meaning and
44:31that's true often you know we go through
44:34life and unless others help us to say
44:37whoa what does this all mean we commit
44:42it and we miss an opportunity to create
44:45a hopeful meaning so this is this is a
44:49critical way that pastoral care can heal
44:53helping people co-create meaning in a
44:56time of loss or struggle or crisis in
44:58ways that give hope
45:04so to recap these three perspectives I
45:07would propose that the goal of all of
45:08them is actually similar through
45:10pastoral relationship and connection
45:12with the faith community we come to know
45:16more deeply and fully the love of God in
45:18Christ for each one of us and ultimately
45:23that is our greatest source of healing
45:25God's love in Christ is what ultimately
45:28holds us in our brokenness it is what is
45:31ultimately truthful as opposed to
45:35sometimes our operational theology and
45:37it is the source of ultimate meaning so
45:42our relationship which points always to
45:46relationship with God in Christ
45:49underlies all of these perspectives of
45:51sources of healing so let's return to
45:57our band-aid so I want to propose the
46:02pesto care heals in ways that might be
46:04somewhat different from the band-aid
46:07pesto care heals not by simplistic
46:10reassurance you're going to be just fine
46:13not by making pain disappear and not
46:18with that crazy exclamation point
46:20you know sometimes sometimes life is
46:23much heavier sadder than that
46:29how does pastoral care heal as opposed
46:34to the band-aid
46:35pastoral care helps us to think of
46:38healing in fuller deeper ways healing
46:42does not mean that the pain is all gone
46:45or one is going to be as good as new
46:47or just fine healing from a pastoral
46:51perspective is not magic pastoral care
46:55acknowledges and stays with the pain and
46:58struggle at least for time this is very
47:01important have you ever been rushed
47:04through your pain by someone else who
47:08may have meant really well they just
47:10didn't want to see you suffering anymore
47:11but they rushed you through your pain
47:13and how helpful was that for me it's
47:16never helpful I I feel like okay either
47:19you don't have time for me
47:20or you actually are not understanding
47:23what I'm saying to you and neither one
47:25of those feels good it's hard to believe
47:29that we're coming up on the 10th
47:30anniversary of 9/11 isn't it for me it's
47:33shocking that it's been almost 10 years
47:35but I remember vividly going to a prayer
47:38service that night and some of you may
47:42have had to preach that day or the next
47:44day and who would have wanted that
47:46assignment I sure would not have and so
47:49I have nothing but sympathy for the
47:50person who I heard preach but my
47:55struggle was with the passage he chose
47:57he chose to preach on let not your
48:00hearts be troubled now for me that just
48:05totally missed where I was at I mean we
48:09if people were still desperately trying
48:11to find out if their loved ones were
48:12alive or what the heck was happening and
48:15to invite us not to let our hearts be
48:19troubled just felt like a disconnect
48:22under terrible circumstances I have
48:24nothing but sympathy for the fact that
48:25he had to come up with something that
48:27day but it is so important when we're
48:29able to stay with the pain and
48:31acknowledge it because that's where so
48:35much can be happening that we will then
48:37be working with the narrative disruption
48:40the experience of brokenness the
48:41operational theology bubbling up in
48:44disturbing ways etc
48:51but we do more than just acknowledge and
48:55stay with the loss we offer our
48:57relationship of care but always pointing
49:01beyond ourselves we are not the end goal
49:05of the pastoral relationship as we know
49:07we want always like John the Baptist to
49:11point to the one who truly saves and
49:13this can be such a relief for us right
49:16if we felt like it was all up to us holy
49:19moly
49:20so it's a relief to realize no we always
49:23want to help people realize that their
49:27deepest connection needs to be with our
49:30God and in the Christian community our
49:35God knows brokenness we will be walking
49:39that this coming week our God knows
49:42brokenness and so our goal our challenge
49:51our mission is to embody and communicate
49:55God's love which raised Christ from the
49:58dead which knows our brokenness and
50:01which is our hope in suffering and it's
50:05our relationships with one another and
50:07with this God of love that hold us and
50:10heal us
50:11we've never been promised that we will
50:14not suffer we know that but we have been
50:18assured that God has destined us in love
50:21ephesians and that nothing will ever
50:24separate us from the love of God in
50:26Christ Jesus our Lord Romans now I will
50:34say I understand that sometimes it's
50:37hard to communicate this to other folks
50:41and sometimes let's be honest it can be
50:42hard to even take it in ourselves
50:43depending on what life has thrown at us
50:46it can be very hard to truly truly truly
50:51consistently deep in our tissues to
50:55believe that God is always compassionate
50:57love
50:59and so at those times or when others say
51:02to me yeah yeah well that's you I know
51:04you believe that or you try to believe
51:06it but you know I need more I always try
51:10to point people to some of the spiritual
51:13teachers that I think help us to trust
51:16in the God of love and for me one of the
51:21most important people is Julian of
51:22Norwich and we don't know a lot about
51:28Julian we don't even know her real name
51:31but we do know that she lived from 1342
51:38to about 1416 and she was an anchor Asst
51:41in the Church of st. Julian in Norwich
51:46England and that she was devoted to a
51:49life of contemplation in prayer and one
51:53day in 1373 when she was about 30 in one
51:56day she experienced sixteen visions
52:01which in her day were called showings
52:04and she was convinced that they were
52:07from God and she spent years she wrote
52:13them down immediately and then she spent
52:16years and years figuring out what they
52:19had meant she spent 20 years in
52:22contemplation and prayer wondering what
52:25those showings had meant and her
52:27conclusion consistently she wrote about
52:30it again 20 years later her conclusion
52:33was what they all meant was God is love
52:36and the book she wrote is the first book
52:40written in English by a woman and so I
52:43wanted to share this quote this is part
52:46of what she wrote and from the time that
52:50it was revealed I desired many times to
52:53know in what was our Lord's meaning and
52:5615 years after and more I was answered
52:59in spiritual understanding and it was
53:01said what do you wish to know your
53:04Lord's meaning in this thing know it
53:07well love was his meaning who reveals it
53:11to you
53:13of what did he reveal to you love why
53:17does he reveal it to you for love remain
53:22in this and you will no more of the same
53:24but you will never know different
53:26without end Julian is also the person
53:35who gave us the gorgeous lines that so
53:37many people find comforting all shall be
53:40well and all shall be well and all
53:43manner of things shall be well now she
53:46didn't offer that in a simplistic way
53:48she part of her showings or about sin
53:51and she wrote a lot about sin and she
53:53had a very sophisticated understanding
53:55of humankind's sinful nature and yet she
53:59was certain that love was God's meaning
54:04in in every circumstance she said we are
54:09endlessly loved with an endless love for
54:14someone who needed comfort that's a good
54:18what more could you offer really
54:19Julian's conviction we are endlessly
54:22loved with an endless love I'd like to
54:30just offer a couple more slides that
54:34have to do with the pastoral caregiver
54:37and I'll use the language of we for
54:42these it is so important in this work as
54:45we know you know the potential for
54:49burnout or brownout
54:51and some people call it where you just
54:53really sort of start getting slow and
54:55you know it gets harder and harder the
54:59potential is huge there are all kinds of
55:01statistics folks right out of ministry
55:04programs folks have been in ministry for
55:06a long time lots of folks are burning
55:08out and leave do move on to other fields
55:12and it's hard it's hard it's hard it's
55:16hard so one in very important thing is
55:20to I put see here in quotation marks to
55:23see one's blind spots I'm not sure we
55:26can see our
55:26blind spots but that's where community
55:28can help us and friends and family and
55:30colleagues and support groups you know
55:32what is especially hard for us what do
55:36we need to be mindful of what are we not
55:38good at you know why set ourselves up
55:41for failure and frustration and burnout
55:44and anxiety and worry you know what do
55:48we need to see about ourselves that
55:50would help us make good choices in terms
55:52of what sort of care we can offer and
55:54related to that is knowing one's limits
55:56we cannot do it all next week will be
56:02the 12th anniversary I think of the
56:09horrible tragedy at Columbine High
56:11School in Colorado if you're from the US
56:16you know what that was at two high
56:19school students opened fire on their
56:21classmates and killed many of them and
56:24killed a teacher and I was out at
56:27Columbine a few years after that for a
56:31gathering of Peschel theologians and we
56:36talked with some of the folks who had
56:38been sort of doing the immediate crisis
56:41response when when that all started
56:44happening and it was chaos of course but
56:48here's what I wanted to share with you
56:49there was a local minister there who was
56:52one of the first responders because he
56:55was in a staff meeting with his parish
56:57staff and someone called him and said
56:58there's shooting going on at the high
57:00school so he grabbed his staff he said
57:02everyone in my truck and he took off
57:05he's one that told us the story he took
57:07off and as they were driving through you
57:10know the campus he would sort of toss
57:13them off the truck and say you go over
57:15there are you over there and of course I
57:19almost like my heart stopped imagining
57:21myself being in the back of that truck
57:22I'm not sure how well I could have done
57:24but then he said you know a lot of the
57:28students and teachers they had to get
57:30out of high school of course
57:31and so they went to the local library
57:34and that's where he went and he started
57:37calling some of the other area ministers
57:39to say we're at the library come on down
57:41we need we need help and some of the
57:44other ministers said things like oh well
57:49you know I'm in the middle of a Bible
57:51study but I'll come as soon as I can
57:54now when he told us that story I had the
57:57very same reaction that some of you just
57:58had sort of gasped
58:00like what you know what poor pastoral
58:04care givers how could they be so you
58:08know stupid or selfish or
58:11uncompassionate or something but you
58:14know after I thought about that for a
58:16while I actually had a different
58:18response which was we don't know the
58:22history of those folks some of them may
58:25have had a trauma history and folks who
58:29have been exposed to a lot of trauma in
58:31their lives or high-stress or really
58:34painful losses sometimes they cannot be
58:37first responders they cannot and they
58:39should not it's not their gift it can be
58:42retry Mathai zhing and nobody benefits
58:45from anyone being traumatized it's not
58:48noble to be retraumatization
58:54any plenty of work to do after the fact
58:57so I share that with you as just a
59:00reminder that pastoral care is not
59:03one-size-fits-all we do have to know our
59:06limits we do have to know our blind
59:09spots and our histories and we need to
59:12care for ourselves of course and we need
59:15to be part of networks of care gene
59:17Stevenson muster who gave us that nice
59:19definition of casual care at the
59:21beginning she also does a nice piece in
59:25one of her writings on the Good
59:27Samaritan the parable of the Good
59:29Samaritan and she points out that the
59:33Good Samaritan relied on a network of
59:37care to care for the wounded person as
59:40symbolized by the innkeeper and these
59:44Samaritan continued his journey
59:49we too need networks of care we cannot
59:52be all things to all people you know
59:55there are ways that we have to continue
59:57our journeys to and we need to trust and
1:00:00invite others to be part of the response
1:00:03part of the care it cannot must not
1:00:05should not need not be all up to us
1:00:13there's a very common phrase used in all
1:00:16kinds of therapy and psychology and
1:00:18counseling circles that the best thing
1:00:20to do and pastoral care talks about this
1:00:23too is to be a non anxious presence we
1:00:25familiar with that phrase I'm not sure I
1:00:28know anyone who's ever been a total
1:00:30because sometimes people are anxious am
1:00:32i being non anxious or am i
1:00:34communicating anxiety you know it's kind
1:00:36of stressful people out but what I want
1:00:39to propose is you know we also want to
1:00:43be in touch with our own anxiety if if
1:00:46there is any about ourselves about our
1:00:49lives and about our relationship with
1:00:51God how can we feel more trusting
1:00:53hopeful confident secure in God's
1:00:58cherishing love for us so I share this
1:01:03beautiful passage with you I think if we
1:01:06prayed this all once-a-day would perhaps
1:01:09all be floating on cloud nine these are
1:01:12the words of a spiritual director in
1:01:14France in the 19th century obey Ojeda
1:01:17Tocqueville and he says this and the
1:01:20words I think are quite resonant with
1:01:22Julian of Norwich accustom yourself to
1:01:26the wonderful thought that God loves you
1:01:28with a tenderness a generosity and an
1:01:32intimacy which surpasses all your dreams
1:01:36give yourself up with joy to a loving
1:01:39confidence in God and have courage to
1:01:42believe firmly that God's action towards
1:01:45you is a masterpiece of partiality and
1:01:49love rest tranquil II in this abiding
1:01:53conviction
1:01:58and I would conclude by saying when we
1:02:01do come to know more fully and feel
1:02:04God's tender loving Christ we know that
1:02:08despite the loss and pain and suffering
1:02:10we'll all experience in the deepest
1:02:13possible sense all shall be well and all
1:02:18shall be well and all manner of things
1:02:20shall be well thank you very much I'm
1:02:33going to go back to that slide some of
1:02:35you were writing that down right there
1:02:38you go we have time for a few comments
1:02:40or thoughts or questions and we have a
1:02:43microphone if you if you do have
1:02:44anything you'd like to offer we ask you
1:02:47to speak into the microphone I'd love to
1:02:51hear your thoughts
1:02:59yes way in the back can you use the
1:03:01microphones thank you
1:03:05just grateful that you brought in so
1:03:07much scripture and so much of the
1:03:11necessary suffering involved in pastoral
1:03:13chaos thank you very much as beautiful
1:03:16well thank you very much appreciate that
1:03:21who has a question or a or thought to
1:03:24add yes thanks very much for your
1:03:33presentation it's not a question of
1:03:36seeking advice I am a volunteer
1:03:41assistant chaplain in a hospital I've
1:03:44had more than one occasion where either
1:03:46a patient or a family member is it is
1:03:50overcome by anger and resentment was to
1:03:54the point of hostility yeah
1:03:56wondering if there's a certain technique
1:04:00or certain passages that you could
1:04:03recommend in circumstances like that can
1:04:06you say more about the anger they're
1:04:07angry at God or lightly God or just
1:04:11angry about their circumstance yeah the
1:04:15situation comes to mind with a young
1:04:16family member whose parent was dying a
1:04:19very difficult death on that individual
1:04:22the young son did not believe in God
1:04:27but was still very angry and wanted to
1:04:30express it but didn't know who to
1:04:32express it at yes he didn't believe in
1:04:34God so who else was going to be angry
1:04:35and upset with yeah that makes it even
1:04:38more complex for some folks yeah
1:04:41I'm sure a lot of you have wonderful
1:04:44ideas that you would draw on in those
1:04:46moments maybe you want to share with one
1:04:48another I can share just a couple of
1:04:49thoughts I think it's important first as
1:04:54we said before to give people permission
1:04:55to experience the range of feelings and
1:04:58to point out that our God fully human
1:05:02fully divine understands knows every one
1:05:05of those feelings so the anger is not a
1:05:07surprise or a shock to God
1:05:11not offended by it we see we see
1:05:16examples of Jesus anger in some of the
1:05:20Gospels so I think you know we want to
1:05:26draw on those things but then I think
1:05:28when when when we sense any of the
1:05:32openness we want to help if people would
1:05:36like our help we want to help people to
1:05:39somehow understand - that yes this
1:05:43horrible thing has happened
1:05:44and the old story is gone and we are
1:05:48outraged by that and it's not fair and
1:05:52it's not right
1:05:53how though will we create a new story
1:05:57that offers us something and that may
1:06:00feel like slim pickings to people for
1:06:02quite a long time you know or like poor
1:06:06consolation but as folks are open and
1:06:12trusting we try to draw on passages like
1:06:17revelations making all things new
1:06:19or Andrew Lester's a pastor theologian
1:06:23who talks about God is always out in
1:06:25front of us calling us into an
1:06:27open-ended future we don't know the
1:06:30future and we can be outraged that the
1:06:32future we wanted has been ripped away
1:06:35from us but somehow eventually slowly we
1:06:40have to try to construct a new story
1:06:42because otherwise what's our choice but
1:06:46I think those are some of the most
1:06:47difficult moments and maybe some of you
1:06:49have thought you'd like to add how
1:06:51you've managed these situations yes
1:06:56would you like to respond okay here's
1:06:58the microphone when I had up if the
1:07:06microphone on when I've had a patient or
1:07:11a family member who's been so angry
1:07:14either there isn't a god or how did God
1:07:16do this I try to make sure I always go
1:07:19back to God didn't do it is probably
1:07:23trying to to really connect with the the
1:07:27incarnate God that seems to act for me I
1:07:32try to quote scripture at that point for
1:07:35people and he made them angrier
1:07:37remembering that pretty quickly mm-hmm
1:07:39but that sense that it's all of our
1:07:42choices and things in our environment
1:07:44and that whole sense of free choice that
1:07:47in the long run people will come back
1:07:49and say so maybe God is it mm-hmm and
1:07:53it's okay for them to still have the
1:07:55question yes and not try to answer it
1:07:58that's right because how can we answer
1:08:00it thank you for that you know I'm just
1:08:03remembering another sort of technique
1:08:05that some people find helpful is sort of
1:08:08a guided imagery that you know if you
1:08:13were to ask such a person who's just
1:08:15maybe consumed with rage where they see
1:08:18themselves in relationship to God and
1:08:21perhaps I don't believe in God so I'm
1:08:23not in relationship at all but sometimes
1:08:26it's surprising you know people
1:08:28sometimes people who are incredibly
1:08:29enraged would say when a stick sort of
1:08:34images would say well God's right here
1:08:37and once I work through my anger
1:08:39we'll be all right you know you know you
1:08:43don't know what the anger that
1:08:45everybody's anger is different and what
1:08:47can be part of the anger is different
1:08:49too so sometimes inviting people to
1:08:51image it and then also to image it in
1:08:54the future
1:08:56the under less turn and I think it's
1:08:59Howard Stone also have done work on what
1:09:02they call future stories you know that
1:09:05the tendency in pastoral care or I
1:09:08should say that penance in casual
1:09:10counseling is very often to focus on the
1:09:12present as it relates to the past and
1:09:14that's usually what therapy does as well
1:09:17what we tend to neglect is the future
1:09:21which is really problematic when you
1:09:24think about it because that's where
1:09:25we're all headed so they do this whole
1:09:28piece on future stories if you could
1:09:30invite someone imagine where you are in
1:09:33five years
1:09:35and how are you with your anger in five
1:09:38years and some people will reject that
1:09:41like what do you mean I'm going to be
1:09:42just as angry well okay let's just try
1:09:45to pin that down you know you're going
1:09:47to be so many years old maybe you're
1:09:50going to be in college maybe you're
1:09:51going to have children maybe you're
1:09:52going to be a grandparent five years
1:09:54from now let's try to get concrete what
1:09:56has happened to your anger now this is
1:09:59purely imaginative but some people can
1:10:02work with that and can say well I'm not
1:10:07so angry anymore I've made peace with my
1:10:10anger and then you say well how did you
1:10:15get there and not everyone can do this
1:10:19but some people can they will they will
1:10:21they'll get into it like alright well I
1:10:23think I took a break from religion for a
1:10:27while or I just wanted nothing to do
1:10:31with God for a while but then slowly I
1:10:34realized that I'm not the only one who's
1:10:37ever had horrible things happen and I
1:10:40don't want to be alone in this anymore
1:10:41it's etcetera I'm making this up but you
1:10:44know some people can actually start to
1:10:47create their own timeline their own
1:10:51sequence of events to get where they can
1:10:55imagine themselves being so that that
1:10:59may be helpful for some folks - yes
1:11:04we're here at the Beck we'll take just a
1:11:07couple more I promise I'll I'll wrap up
1:11:10in a few minutes
1:11:14I read once the biography of Princess
1:11:18Diana so this made me think of it so
1:11:22when she died it was early morning and
1:11:26when they knew about it in the palace
1:11:32the Queen didn't want the children to
1:11:35know one was 13 and the other one was 9
1:11:39and so a prince char went to Frank's
1:11:44meanwhile when the children woke up the
1:11:49grandmother the Queen WA Green went to
1:11:53tell them your mother died now remember
1:11:58you are Royer's no tears for no grief no
1:12:07Griffin
1:12:07instead she sent them all day hiking in
1:12:14Scotland
1:12:14all day and when they came the next day
1:12:18she was pleased she didn't know they
1:12:20cried or not then she said to them
1:12:23now you may enjoy when people are going
1:12:27to draw all the flower in front of the
1:12:29palace you may enjoy the note and while
1:12:32reading what people were putting for
1:12:35your mom then you can try to heal
1:12:38yourself and be grateful to people but
1:12:44remember no tears will my how do you
1:12:49explain hmm yeah well there are so many
1:12:55different cultural expectations about
1:12:57grief what grieving is supposed to look
1:12:59like and royalty perhaps is is its own
1:13:02culture I guess it is
1:13:04so yeah it's this is just a bit of an
1:13:08aside about grief we do know that not
1:13:10everyone experiences grief primarily in
1:13:13an emotional way that for some it is
1:13:16primarily emotional and so tears might
1:13:18be incredibly important and inevitable
1:13:21for some people their primary experience
1:13:24of grief is more cognitive
1:13:26and so so some you know sometimes we see
1:13:30folks not crying and we may judge that
1:13:32right like oh I guess she didn't really
1:13:35care and there could be a lot of things
1:13:38going on but but you know we would want
1:13:40people to have the freedom to grieve in
1:13:42whatever way they need to thank you how
1:13:47about yes can you wait for the
1:13:49microphone
1:13:56I'm honest to return just for a minute
1:13:59to the angry man who didn't believe in
1:14:02God and I'm thinking more in a hospital
1:14:07context men in an extended pastoral care
1:14:10comes next and what I'm thinking about
1:14:14is you know so few people are
1:14:17comfortable with another person's anger
1:14:21or or the realm for that matter that I
1:14:24think being able to to hold the man's
1:14:28anger and to allow him to be angry and
1:14:33experiences anger even though there is
1:14:36no one for him in his mind to be angry
1:14:39at is probably really important in other
1:14:44words to him it would be irrational to
1:14:47be angry but clearly that was something
1:14:52that he needed to experience in
1:14:57particularly in this situation where
1:14:59you're not going to be seeing someone
1:15:01you know on a on an ongoing basis right
1:15:04I just at making elementary but I feel
1:15:09is so it's important to it's just
1:15:14important to say that anger and sorrow
1:15:18and tears are so closely related it's
1:15:23you know it's entirely likely that the
1:15:26anger is something that he needed to
1:15:28move Express we want to teach sorrow so
1:15:33I hope that that's well fed thank you
1:15:36and how about one more over here when
1:15:44you had mentioned about work getting
1:15:48into the work mode and forgetting a lot
1:15:52of the things that we do we just
1:15:54function into a role as pastoral
1:15:58caregivers I was made aware of that my
1:16:03ministry very early on to be very
1:16:05careful of not falling into the trap
1:16:08so the past ten years with the victims
1:16:13of child abuse I've dealt with that a
1:16:16great deal and because of that notoriety
1:16:20have come to deal with children and
1:16:23their early demise because of taking
1:16:29their own lives and wealth and after a
1:16:32while it can get to you really and I was
1:16:35functioning in that work mode I've got
1:16:37to do what got to do I've got to do it I
1:16:39can't let go of this and in the past
1:16:44couple of years I've realized that I
1:16:48needed to heal myself in that pastoral
1:16:52care way because how can I tell someone
1:16:55that God loves them and I don't love
1:16:59myself enough to do something about that
1:17:01caring and to replenish that grace that
1:17:05love that God has given me in my life so
1:17:09one of the things that I have found is
1:17:11that I try once a month to go up to
1:17:16Weston Priory to the Benedictine monks
1:17:19up there lovely and it's just a day it's
1:17:22an overnight it's going getting up at 4
1:17:25a.m. going to the services all day and
1:17:28coming back but it's connecting back to
1:17:31my God who has given me that strength to
1:17:34share and to be pastoral to others yes
1:17:37so we really need to be cognitive of the
1:17:41fact that we need to care for ourselves
1:17:42through before we can do much for others
1:17:46that's right and it's not a selfish
1:17:48thing it is a necessary thing it's a
1:17:51survival thing thank you very much for
1:17:54that that's a wonderful note to end on I
1:17:56wish you all healing and self-care and a
1:18:00lovely holy weekend of and a joyous
1:18:02Easter thank you for coming
1:18:09thanks very much Melissa for all these
1:18:12all that we have to ponder and these
1:18:14rich perspectives on pastoral care and
1:18:16thanks to all of you for coming
1:18:19if you didn't get this handout at the
1:18:22table there are more there these are our
1:18:23summer events that are coming up
1:18:26Colleen Griffiths will present the
1:18:28Underhill lecture on practical mysticism
1:18:31these are all in July the Shanley's will
1:18:34offer workshops on living an integrated
1:18:37life of non-violence and sustainability
1:18:39and our third annual Mary of Magdala Day
1:18:43celebration will have a lecture by
1:18:45Carolyn och so I hope we'll see you this
1:18:48summer at some of our events
1:18:50[Music]

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