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Headstrong: Mental Health and Sports (FULL) | NBC Sports — Transcript

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0:02contemplated a lot of dark things it's
0:07hard I just do whatever I gotta do to
0:10get through a date it was the most
0:13intense pain I've ever felt just this
0:18darkness that I just couldn't get myself
0:20out of this generation is struggling
0:25with epidemic levels of stress anxiety
0:28and depression a lot of these young men
0:30are genuinely unhappy my life was just
0:32spiraling out of control my heart was
0:35pounding I couldn't get it to stop I
0:36want to be alive anymore what's doing
0:37all that stuff builds up and builds up
0:39steam it's gonna explode sports are
0:53transcendent and the blink of an eye an
1:01athlete can become a god athletes
1:05represent the peak of human potential
1:08they reflect our hopes and dreams but
1:13can also reflect our failures and
1:14shortcomings
1:17because with the shot at immortality
1:19comes the risk of infamy throughout
1:25history we have asked at least to bear
1:28this burden alone finally history is
1:38changing
1:41[Applause]
1:45athletes were supposed to be the tough
1:48guy the walk do we ever want to admit
1:52man I'm struggling you can society kind
1:57of puts us on this pedestal over not
1:59allowed to be sad or not allowed to be
2:01soft or not allowed to cry looking back
2:03on it I thought mental strength was that
2:06thing that we talked about since I was
2:08six years old don't show when you're
2:10hurt
2:10just get back up play through it we as
2:15males are not as inclined to talk about
2:18emotions and to talk about our feelings
2:19and it's quite literally killing us
2:21right now in the United States there is
2:24a full-blown mental health crisis that
2:27gets worse every year and there's a
2:29culture in sports that doesn't allow for
2:31male vulnerability that doesn't value
2:33openness and conversation around mental
2:36health unfortunately there is a stigma
2:40that surrounds mental health and it's
2:42perceived as a weakness if we come out
2:43and say I didn't feel okay that's just
2:45how it is
2:46athletes don't have to see permission to
2:49come clean and say what's really on your
2:51mind the topic of mental health and
2:54wellness of elite athletes has really
2:56been voiced for nearly five decades but
3:00it has not been listened to for those
3:02five decades in the field of
3:05neuroscience there's still a lot to
3:06learn about like who's susceptible whose
3:10most vulnerable to these disorders but
3:13they're very difficult to study
3:15we need to take it from a taboo topic to
3:18everyday conversation it's time for us
3:21to put names and faces to it if we're
3:26gonna break this stigma around mental
3:28health then it starts with us family
3:39[Music]
3:49football is king in our country and
3:51being in the NFL you're on a pedestal
3:54it's a lot of pressure that comes with
3:56it when I was younger my form of being
4:00tough and being a man was being quite
4:02about stuff and just going about your
4:03business that changed the older that I
4:06got I went through my own mental health
4:08and depression battles where I'm at now
4:12I think reaching out for help is more
4:14manly than sitting there in silence and
4:15suffering that's the true definition of
4:18toughness unfortunately in this country
4:22talking about your mental health
4:24you know it's perceived as a weakness
4:25but my story is a really great one to
4:28tell and it can affect and touch a lot
4:30of people and I'm going to tell it my
4:33name is Hayden Hearst and tied in for
4:34the Baltimore Ravens and I'm trying to
4:36break the stigma that surrounds mental
4:38health
4:39[Music]
4:52[Music]
4:55well I'm not hating since he's been a
4:57young child he was always a top athlete
5:00he played football
5:01he was basketball baseball whatever he
5:03wanted to do he was a dip dad and he had
5:06that drive in I was looking at pictures
5:09yesterday from the season last year
5:12it's I'm so much bigger than I was
5:14I was skinny growing up it was always
5:17baseball year-round and everybody told
5:20me you're gonna be an MLB in X amount of
5:22years you know you're gonna make all
5:23this money playing baseball baseball
5:24baseball and that was always the focus
5:27[Music]
5:30yeah I was a pitcher in high school I
5:31was the Under Armour all-american got
5:34drafted by the Pirates my senior year
5:36and I was in their minor-league system
5:37for about three years my first season
5:40with them struggling people out this
5:42summer leg coach called us up and said
5:44holy cow and he's just blowing it by
5:46everybody he was lights out strikes
5:49every time 94 mile an hour fastball and
5:51I said he's gonna get called up he's
5:53gonna go to the majors it's not gonna be
5:55long here in the minors and then
5:57something happened within days then I
6:00came back for my fall instructional
6:02league and it's kind of where everything
6:04started to unwind for me
6:08suddenly the wheels came off the ball
6:11started going everywhere he had just
6:12literally lost the ability pitch
6:14developed the yips my hands would shake
6:16they would sweat I was over throwing
6:18guys by like 20 feet
6:20I hit a kid in the head and I had no
6:22idea what's happening it was an absolute
6:24living hell it became a struggle both
6:27physically and emotionally
6:29and unbeknownst to us because we would
6:31call and say how to go today and he
6:33would put on the greatest show in the
6:35world about how great he was doing it
6:36was good it was good but I knew
6:39something was wrong because what he
6:40started doing was withdrawing I went to
6:44a pretty deep depression where you know
6:46I wouldn't even leave my room I would
6:48shut the blinds be in the darkness
6:49wouldn't want to be around people just
6:51because I was so embarrassed of what was
6:53going on and then I couldn't figure it
6:54out yeah I really think I got the yips
6:58from my fear of failure he thought that
7:00you know baseball was going to help
7:02himself and our family in the future I
7:04think he had a lot of pressure on his
7:07shoulders
7:07I pretty much drank almost every single
7:09day down there turn to drugs and
7:12anything that I could do to mask the
7:13problem itself and I was doing it
7:15there's this darkness I just couldn't
7:17get myself out of
7:19he would just get really really I mean
7:22you mean drunk and and aggressive and
7:25it's like he's never been like that and
7:27when we didn't know what was going on he
7:31went to all these doctors and spent
7:33thousands of dollars trying to figure it
7:34out and correct it so he could pitch
7:36again but no one could explain it
7:38because it was something mentally in his
7:40brain
7:41could never really pinpoint what was
7:43going on so in 2015
7:45decided to hang it up Aiden retired from
7:48the Pirates at age 21 I believe and
7:53society won't play football
7:56[Applause]
7:57[Music]
8:00[Applause]
8:08Oh God the ability to go from baseball
8:12to football at a high level is very rare
8:16but he was a heck of a football I walked
8:23on the South Carolina in 2015 yeah put
8:25some good stuff on film my freshman year
8:27another drinking and the drugs and
8:29things like that I felt like I just
8:31leave that all behind unfortunately you
8:34know I didn't go as planned you know
8:36didn't get the help that I needed and
8:38just really started affecting who I was
8:42one morning woke up in a hospital bed
8:44covered in blood
8:45didn't really know what was going on
8:47just sitting there by myself in a room
8:50you know on a bed you know not really
8:53understanding what had happened I kind
8:55of looked up and I was like BAM blur
8:56[Music]
9:10that's rock-bottom as as bad as it gets
9:14and that's when I started reaching out
9:16for help
9:16[Music]
9:20so when Hayden first came to us and told
9:23us about being depressed I just told him
9:25whatever the circumstances are we're
9:27gonna be here for you and help you
9:28through the situation you know I didn't
9:31want to see him suffer as a parent you
9:32never want them to struggle and I
9:34certainly didn't want my children to go
9:37before me the latest research about the
9:40brain involves finding genes that
9:42predispose one to having an illness we
9:45now know that there are some genes that
9:48contribute to depression anxiety part of
9:52it is genetic but I think a lot of it is
9:55environmental and I think somebody that
9:58gets depressed is usually depressed
10:02because they didn't achieve their
10:04expectations my brother committed
10:06suicide his son my nephew committed
10:09suicide and so the first fear for us was
10:12genetic and are we going down the same
10:14road and now he's in this depression
10:16what's his next step going to be and we
10:19need to make sure it's not that yeah
10:21that's when we started searching who can
10:23come up with an answer for us the one
10:25that worked was the guy that said you
10:27need to start just journaling everything
10:29that crosses your mind needs to go on
10:31paper and it worked for him three steps
10:33lat
10:33[Music]
10:36I think journaling is an incredible
10:39outlet for anybody you just sit in your
10:41room go through your thoughts and put
10:43everything on paper it's an easy way to
10:45get toxic things out of your head
10:47you don't have to sit back and just
10:48internalize everything there's something
10:51that goes on Jimmy Glee in your brain
10:53and I think there's an imbalance and it
10:54gets handed down through family lines
10:56and unfortunately I think I have that
10:58gene but I'm able to identify that and
11:01you know I surround myself with good
11:03people to make sure you know that's
11:04that's never gonna be the end-all for me
11:06y'all just send helmets and skirts here
11:08y'all start we go pads when you get up
11:11there jersey helmets for like two days
11:13two or three to three days and we start
11:16you to have to I think it after our ball
11:18style cool boy in the 2018 NFL Draft
11:25tomorrow Ravin select Hayden hurts when
11:30he got drafted by the Ravens in the
11:32first round it gave him a platform and
11:34at that point he came to Cathy and said
11:38ma might want to run a foundation and I
11:40want to be from mental health and I want
11:42you to run it for me to let other people
11:43know that it happens to everybody it
11:45happens to you me and it happens NFL
11:47players and NHL players and there will
11:49be players everybody has something to
11:52deal with our core mission is that we're
11:54trying to help adolescents with suicide
11:57prevention and mental health and we are
12:00funding other mental health facilities
12:03with programs to help these kids today
12:07we went over to the youth crisis center
12:10here in Jacksonville and we were able to
12:12sit down with five or six kids I got the
12:17yips so like my hands we get sweaty and
12:19I couldn't even grip the ball I would
12:20shake I have really really bad panic
12:23attacks yeah not in football football
12:27it's I don't know I'm able to kind of
12:28cut it loose 405 pounds
12:33[Music]
12:37I think it's just important to tell
12:39those kids you know they see me as this
12:40NFL player but I'd break it down for
12:42them like guys listen I'm a normal
12:44person just like you are and I told him
12:47listen like today is a hard day for me
12:49because it's my last day in Jacksonville
12:50not comfortable here and I have to pick
12:52up and leave and leave my family behind
12:54me and go up to Baltimore the more that
12:56you can relate with those kids and they
12:58can be like oh man I feel that I think
13:00it's just the beginning of a truly great
13:02thing I think we're gonna reach a lot of
13:03people the mental health aspect of
13:07athletics is very important improves its
13:11athletes I think it's great that they're
13:13coming out because when we look at them
13:16we think everything's perfect and when
13:19they come out and tell a kid that you
13:22know my life's not perfect nobody's is
13:24and if you have problems you need to
13:27talk to somebody
13:28don't take your pain and hold it in and
13:31they need to know that somebody's there
13:33for them instead of doing something that
13:35you know ultimately will hurt themselves
13:38I still battle with depression things
13:41today I still battle with anxiety it's
13:43part of the makeup of who I am
13:45I want to tell my story I want it to be
13:48out there I don't care if it makes me
13:49vulnerable I want people to be able to
13:52relate to it so they can change the
13:54course of their life all right let's see
14:02what you got here
14:05there you go out of boy that was way
14:12better yeah when I was growing up Pocky
14:15was my heaven I was free on the ice and
14:19that's why I became an NHL hockey player
14:24with athletes we're kind of depicted as
14:28really tough we do not want to admit
14:33that we are struggling in any way
14:36because of the stigma mental illness is
14:39real and it's out there most people
14:42think it's a weakness you're not weak
14:45you're sick people that don't know my
14:48story I do suffer with mental illness
14:51I've been to the darkest I'm the guy
14:53that shot himself I'm the guy that knows
14:55mental anguish so I should be the guy to
14:59reach out and help her cause suck the
15:03large suck former hockey player former
15:05coach suicide survivor but mostly now a
15:09mental health advocate
15:17as a kid I was out at the outdoor rinks
15:21every day that's where I lived
15:22that was my freedom that's when I had no
15:25anxiety no depression no
15:28obsessive-compulsive disorders
15:30it was my sanctuary I don't think I was
15:34overly talented I think I just had a
15:35drive and the dedication maybe it was
15:37the dysfunctional family aspect where I
15:40just wanted to be at the rink I had a
15:43father that was kind of abusive
15:44alcoholic back then had to walk through
15:48a big snow field to get home the closer
15:50I got to home the more my anxiety would
15:53just rise up and I think it was his dad
15:57gonna smack me around he's gonna smack
15:59mom around what's happening yeah there
16:02you go
16:02yeah that was a weird time but hockey
16:07just saved me and saved me now was that
16:11because I'm so dedicated to be a NHL
16:14hockey players was I didn't want to go
16:16home to the monster I don't know but
16:20whatever was hockey was my haven still
16:25good
16:28how does like 15 years old I think 15 16
16:31I was playing with guys that were men
16:33that's when I really started to excel
16:35beaver gun and this kid's got some skill
16:39do I get drafted by the Quebec Nordiques
16:42you know played a couple of years in the
16:44minors then I went up to the NHL
16:53once I made it full-time in the NHL man
16:56I was winning player the weak
16:59Gretzky Lemieux all these guys and I'm
17:01winning player a week so it was March
17:0922nd 1989 playing for the Buffalo Sabres
17:12playing the st. Louis Blues first period
17:14and simple play do it a million times
17:17pop comes from the corner up to the top
17:20of the crease I come across on my knees
17:21my defenseman was hooking a guy back so
17:25this guy fell back in a skate schema got
17:29my neck
17:35please take the camera
17:40[Music]
17:42got my jugular everybody thought I was
17:45such a courageous guy cuz I got up and
17:47skated off well I didn't want my mom to
17:50watch me die on TV called the trainer
17:55tell her to call my mom tell her I love
17:58her called the other trainer hold my
18:02hand cuz I'm gonna die
18:07you know I'm very grateful to be alive
18:10but that whole deal changed my life
18:14couldn't sleep because I didn't want
18:17those nightmares so I just said the
18:18chair I started to self-medicate with
18:20alcohol it was just chaotic you know a
18:23lot of people ask me I will Clint
18:25Malarchuk will react to this injury I
18:27give him a very positive that I'm not
18:29concerned with Clint Malarchuk reactive
18:31lean negatively he'll be right there
18:32when the when the old pox dropped again
18:34that's right it's part of the game all
18:35right Clint thanks very much for joining
18:36us back then no counseling none was
18:39offered and I didn't think of it either
18:41you just get back in there I come back
18:42in ten days we pull our check back in
18:45the next for the Buffalo Sabres fabulous
18:48opportunity for him to overcome all of
18:51the odds
18:51so I epitomized everything they love in
18:55Buffalo New York
18:57blue-collar sports town hard-working
18:59gritty courageous PTSD wasn't even a set
19:03of words back then there's no help
19:06there's nothing there's nothing zero I
19:09was on my own the next year where I
19:16started to have the panic attacks
19:17nightmares like waking straight up in
19:20bed grabbed him my neck and very like oh
19:24man the hardest going bang bang bang
19:27bang suffering in silence as an NHL
19:31hockey player we put the cape on the
19:35Superman cape do you really want me to
19:38take the cape off and talk about my
19:40demons no I want to keep that cape on i
19:44want to put it back on again there and
19:46be the hero be the superhero not healthy
19:50cuz that stuff is gonna come back at
19:53some time in your life and bite your
19:56right knee ass and then what
20:00[Music]
20:10but time you getting up tomorrow I'll be
20:13like quarter to four cuz I have to be on
20:15the ice by v6 I met Clint in an ice rink
20:20in 2004 we were actually married in 2006
20:25it was really quick but it felt good it
20:27felt right soon as you step it'll be in
20:29close right when you flip there we're
20:31just two peas in a pod we get along
20:33wonderful at first I think because he
20:36was embarrassed about what's going on in
20:38his head the anxiety and depression is
20:41OCD you know I didn't really want you to
20:43know what I didn't know in the beginning
20:45to is the obsessive compulsiveness it's
20:48the intrusive thoughts that get your
20:49head he would come in every night and he
20:52would just want to talk and he would
20:53obsess and he would talk about how he
20:55didn't like living with his head
20:58spinning like it was he just started
21:02getting worse and worse I couldn't get
21:03him to see anybody and then he was
21:05drinking a lot it was just getting so
21:08bad and I wasn't getting any sleep and
21:12one day got home it was around 2:30 and
21:16everything was just eerily quiet
21:18you know normally there's the sprinkler
21:21that's on or the dogs are barking and
21:23just everything was super quiet and I
21:25remember walking around and walked into
21:27the bar and I couldn't find him and he
21:28was sitting out behind the tack room
21:30he was sitting on a bench and he had a
21:3322 like shotgun in front of him and I
21:36said what are you doing with this and he
21:38just was looking like he couldn't turn
21:41his head off and I sat on the stool to
21:44her three feet away from him and I said
21:47hey what's going on how you you know and
21:50he just started you know why can't you
21:54help me why is this happening to me and
21:57it doesn't matter anyway and he just
22:00started rambling and getting more
22:03intense and more intense and where he
22:06stood up and he just grabbed the barrel
22:08of the gun and he said this is what I
22:13wish would happen and he just shoved it
22:16under his chin and it just it went off
22:21remember I called 911 and I told him my
22:25husband's been shot at didn't when the
22:27cops finally showed up they asked who
22:29shot who and I said it was an accident
22:31and I was told that if it was a suicide
22:34attempt then he would be on suicide
22:37watch
22:37and then he would not be able to leave
22:40until he got the mental help that he
22:42needed
22:43I didn't even blink a second time as it
22:46was suicide attempt because I thought
22:48this is gonna force him to get help so
22:51he ended up in a rehab for six months so
22:54it was a huge turning point I mean once
23:00somebody like that slides it's not a
23:03gradual thing I mean it's like they jump
23:06off a cliff and it's scary
23:13girl and that's where I really started
23:16to get help get medication get the right
23:18doctor and heal I'm a suicide survivor I
23:23don't want to go down that road again
23:27when you wake up and you got a bullet in
23:29your head and is still there you got to
23:32start thinking about stuff what's your
23:34purpose how many people are out there
23:37still struggling and how do I help
23:43go get these guys cleaned up this I
23:46played semi-pro football for the NorCal
23:49Stampede down in Sacramento and then I
23:51got in a really bad car accident and
23:52kind of took away my football career and
23:54that was the catalyst of where my anger
23:57game my PTSD set in and we sat down and
24:00talked and we've become just the best
24:02friends and we started this PTSD you
24:04know support group here locally we
24:07started helping veterans helping
24:09civilians helping whoever is suffering
24:11with mental illness or PTSD spot so what
24:16we're looking at is equine therapy
24:18whether it's brushing a horse getting to
24:21know the horse they can be intimidating
24:24but once you get their trust it's not
24:27peaceful yeah it's very cool talk about
24:31meditation mindfulness and that animals
24:34are unconditional love it's very
24:37therapeutic
24:40I believe God spared me for a reason so
24:43I got a follow-up on that God dang
24:44reason we need to get people to realize
24:48that you can get help you can get
24:50healthy you still might have days where
24:52you struggle but it's way better it's
24:56way better than than suffering in
24:58darkness and silence hello Clint I
25:02wanted to send you a message to let you
25:04know how much I enjoyed meeting you last
25:07weekend it felt great to finally be in a
25:10room of people who understood what I had
25:13and continue to go through I get emails
25:18every morning wake up and on the
25:20computer and try to be just a support
25:23for them and give them hope it's been a
25:27road it's been a long road
25:29yeah you know I'm not gonna say I'm 100%
25:33ever
25:34I really do struggle some days he's got
25:38really good days and he's got really bad
25:40days and I think that's the hard part
25:43about when you're dealing with mental
25:45illness and addiction is people don't
25:49realize that you don't go through a
25:51rehab and come out of the hospital and
25:53bloom you're better you know like you
25:55cut your arm and it heals and it's gone
25:58it's always there I'm working on it I'm
26:02trying to be the best I can which I'm
26:04very proud of
26:14[Music]
26:19basketball is my canvas that's where I
26:21go express myself that's where my
26:24passion my Drive that's kind of where
26:26all comes out playing and then B is a
26:28great stage but the mental aspect of the
26:31game and the setbacks and failures is
26:33definitely tough you're constantly
26:35getting to nines constantly being talked
26:38about every commentator saying how
26:40horrible you are that's the flip side of
26:42you society kind of puts us on this
26:47pedestal where we're not allowed to be
26:49sad we're not allowed to be soft but not
26:51allowed to cry for me there's been some
26:53dark days I just lost a lot of joy in
26:56the light of life there definitely is a
26:59shift occurring of people just being
27:01open about their mental health that was
27:03a big part of me using my voice just to
27:05step up and be vulnerable as well
27:07justice Winslow Miami Heat point guard
27:11my journey hasn't been easy but I know
27:14that my story and what I've been through
27:16is gonna help a lot more people than me
27:18just being quiet about it
27:20[Music]
27:24athletes are as prone to depression to
27:28anxiety and to other mental health
27:30challenges as all the rest of us where I
27:32think they were set apart from others is
27:34that there is enormous pressure to not
27:37say anything it's great being back in
27:49Houston just around my day one people my
27:52family my friends old coaches and
27:54trainers it's all love here this city
27:57raised me shaped me this is home my love
28:02for sports began before I could even
28:04remember just growing up an athletic
28:06family whether it was my sister playing
28:08softball my brother playing football my
28:10dad playing basketball at every level
28:13I'm the youngest in my family too so I
28:16had to figure out how to keep up with
28:18everybody else that's kind of where the
28:20competitive nature comes from I want to
28:21know who's gonna be the best kid at this
28:23camp that's what I want to know you sir
28:29my sophomore year of high school my
28:32coach pulled me aside and hand me the
28:33phone and I got offered a scholarships
28:35and ever since then I was like you know
28:38what I could do something with this for
28:39you oh you're working to st. John school
28:44is home to justice are you this
28:49community is a giving community and I
28:51honestly think that's where we all got
28:53it
29:00[Applause]
29:11Robin's house is my family foundation
29:13and of course named after my mom we do
29:16different things women empowerment you
29:18know confidence-building exercises and
29:20events but at the camp we're just trying
29:22to make the kid smile it's a lot of fun
29:26it's free for all the kids bring some
29:28light and some happiness to their day
29:31that's what it's all about for me and
29:36not being able to give them a glimpse of
29:38how it is to be professional and the
29:40lessons I've learned you know I'm just
29:43as wins a little at the same time I'm
29:45just a kid from Houston Texas
29:47there's definitely points where you get
29:50burned out physically and mentally
29:51especially now in the MBA with such a
29:54long season like I see it happen to
29:56myself but I'm on a very interesting
29:58like self journey right now the focus of
30:01mental health is new to Robin's house
30:03because of justice for me talking about
30:07my mental health
30:08it was definitely inspired but some of
30:10the guys that came before me in the NBA
30:12that was talking about it Kevin love the
30:14MARTA Rose and Kelly who Bray just
30:16hearing them tell their stories and
30:18being vulnerable gave me the confidence
30:21and the motivation then go ahead and do
30:23the same you mentioned to the Miami
30:25Herald you went through these dark times
30:27what was your hardest moment in those
30:29first two years when you were in the
30:30midst of that I was injured at the time
30:32so I was just kind of just sitting
30:34around couldn't play basketball I think
30:37I had a lot of time on my hands and I
30:38think that's kind of when I began to
30:40kind of get out of way the dark days
30:42were there definitely self-inflicted you
30:46know a lot of it started from the injury
30:48you know I've never had a serious injury
30:51like that and missed so much time and
30:53things were going so great before and
30:56this was all kind of taken away from me
30:59and I started just to doubt myself I
31:02started to question God question--my
31:05question life I thought I would never
31:07return to be the player that I've always
31:09envisioned I would be you know just
31:12contemplated a lot of a lot of dark
31:15things for sure
31:18I didn't realize that Justices mental
31:22illness was already embedded in him and
31:25I think with this injury it just came to
31:28surface my family saw it much more than
31:32I saw it I wasn't having fun I wasn't
31:35smiling and I wasn't joking I found
31:37pleasure and being isolated it just
31:40wasn't me athletes still feel
31:42comfortable being vulnerable and having
31:45their fan base or their public see them
31:48differently other than the nominated
31:50stars and so I think there's an added
31:53pressure for professional athletes to
31:55not disclose and to even deny what's
31:58really going on with them
32:01injustice was going through those tough
32:03times you could definitely see a
32:04difference in his demeanor and it kind
32:06of hurt to see him down like that and
32:09there was just important for me and all
32:11his other friends and family to be there
32:14for him whenever he needed what I think
32:18happened to get him out of those dark
32:20days he started calling people he
32:23realized that he wasn't the only one I
32:27think the big part was last summer I
32:29came home I'm surrounding myself with
32:31family friends people that treated me
32:35like whoa bro justice instead of justice
32:37Winslow Miami he
32:39they knew me before all of this I think
32:42those people really helped me find my
32:43center again and find my soul it was
32:47Houston where I came from my roots I
32:50played a big part and getting me back to
32:53being me we're here to get better you
32:57know as basketball players and as people
32:59the world is a lot bigger than this game
33:01but this game can tell you guys a lot of
33:03places and help you accomplish a lot of
33:05your goals I actually known justice
33:08since third grade and I know this is
33:10gonna sound crazy but he's the same
33:12goofy third grader even today when I
33:16think about seeing justice rise to the
33:17NBA the first word that I think of is
33:19proud knowing that was his dream from
33:21third grade as it is a lot of these kids
33:23but a lot of them don't have that
33:25opportunity and he just worked his butt
33:27off and was able to make it justice is
33:32doing well right now but I don't want
33:34anybody to think for a second that you
33:36know dark times are over and that he
33:38needs to continue to take the steps to
33:40stay up and and his friends and family
33:43need to continue to take the steps to
33:45keep them up as well the power of sports
33:47is huge they have a crazy platform gotta
33:52use it in the past
33:55nuta illness was not talked about but
33:58it's here now
34:00research talking in general that's been
34:04the best thing not holding it in not
34:06being prideful about it knowing that
34:08negative things are gonna happen but
34:10it's how you move forward from them
34:13there's always a highlight of my summer
34:16being able to come home and and see this
34:19family that gets bigger and better every
34:22year you know it's an amazing journey
34:25that I'm on but I'm not on it by myself
34:28you guys bring a lot a lot of light a
34:31lot of happiness to my life and that
34:33goes a long way so thank you to you guys
34:39you
34:47[Music]
34:49[Applause]
34:50[Music]
34:52I started playing soccer when I was
34:54probably five or six tried out a couple
34:57different sports but soccer just always
34:58felt right when I was growing up that
35:02was my way of expressing myself it felt
35:06like I could just sort of let my passion
35:08and my energy kind of shine through with
35:11the ball at my feet coming to college I
35:15felt this immense pressure to do well in
35:17school and then you know you add that
35:19other layer on top of it being an
35:21athlete that comes with his own
35:23pressures in itself and then after
35:27losing of teammate to suicide I started
35:31going through my own struggles with
35:33mental health feeling as if I had
35:35reached the darkest point in my life
35:37I've tried to make myself believe that I
35:40was invincible to anxiety depression but
35:44I deal with these emotions on a
35:46day-to-day basis and it took a long time
35:48for me to admit that
35:51my name is Nathan Braaten I'm a student
35:54athlete and I want to end the stigma
35:56around mental health by using the
35:59influential platform of sports
36:07you know in the first couple of years of
36:09me being an athlete soccer became a job
36:12it wasn't the support that I fell in
36:15love with anymore after you know he
36:17finished doing practice in the morning
36:19and you got to run to class and then
36:21you're doing that for the rest of the
36:22day and there's just no break in between
36:24it's constantly going going going that
36:28really weighs down on you coming into
36:32college even I didn't even think about
36:34mental health it wasn't talked about
36:36especially on my team it is incredibly
36:40hard because our idea of what
36:42masculinity is has not revolved around
36:45talking about our emotions and how we're
36:48feeling and until I directly experienced
36:51it you know that was when I really had
36:53these first conversations about what
36:54depression actually meant
36:57amongst colleges and universities right
36:59now in the United States students are
37:01wrestling with epidemic levels of stress
37:04anxiety depression more than one-third
37:07of our students are struggling with some
37:09kind of mental health challenge 11
37:12percent have had thoughts of suicide
37:14over the last year and five percent of
37:17our students across the country are
37:18actively planning their own death
37:21so when you start to think about these
37:23percentages not just as percentages but
37:26as individuals you begin to see the
37:29human impact John Chambers he was my
37:34teammate but first and foremost he was
37:37my friend he was the kind of guy at the
37:39party that would be quiet the whole time
37:41and come out with just the smartest
37:44one-liner and just not the whole room
37:46out you know he had a very very chill
37:49laid-back vibe about him
37:52it was July 4th 2016
37:57that day I ended up getting together
37:59with two of our friends and you know we
38:02were just gonna go out we found a little
38:05holiday party and decided to go over
38:07there you know at some point in the
38:11night John got a little more distant and
38:15just took a walk we kind of lost track
38:19of him
38:20I remember feeling anxious about it but
38:24feeling as if you know you know we'll
38:26find him
38:27eventually we gave up looking around the
38:29party and we decided to go home just to
38:32kind of regroup and we opened up the
38:34door we saw him
38:38[Music]
38:42you know in that moment you're not
38:44[Music]
38:46really thinking about anything else but
38:50trying to save him you know I remember I
38:56speak on the phone to the operator and
38:57just not being able to process what's
39:02going on
39:07we met the ambulance nun at the hospital
39:11and the first person I think to call as
39:14our head coach at the time you know he
39:17came right to the hospital and I just
39:18remember he didn't say anything all I
39:22did was hug me
39:26it was the most intense pain I've ever
39:30felt and then after that it felt just
39:33numb people with trying to get me to
39:37talk about it after and you know I just
39:41couldn't the events that I saw that
39:44night I would relive them through
39:47nightmares you know when it got so bad
39:50at some points that I would like just
39:53terrified to sleep I developed this
39:56intense fear of losing people if I found
40:00myself getting close to somebody I would
40:02cut it off because you know if I wasn't
40:05close to anybody I couldn't get hurt by
40:07anybody and I was getting two three
40:12hours of sleep at night waking up
40:15lifting practicing going to class and
40:18trying to pretend to everybody that I
40:19wasn't holding okay and it was just this
40:21like this fallout from PTSD that I
40:25experienced from the event and that's
40:28what depression felt like for me you
40:31know coming out of that state was a long
40:36journey feeling as if I'd reached the
40:38darkest point and I needed to make a
40:41change and so that change came from
40:45finally accepting that I needed help and
40:50that I needed to go and talk to people
40:51that was the Stars in a way
40:54people can relate to but people can also
40:56find hope through up until two years ago
41:00if you asked me who Nathan was I would
41:02say he's a soccer player but now he's
41:04one of the closest friends that I have I
41:09was team captain my senior year but
41:12during that year as well I lost a
41:14teammate to suicide people didn't see
41:17that on the outside because I was able
41:20to make it seem like I had it all
41:21together and make it seem like I was
41:22okay I was too scared to ask for help I
41:26was scared that if I showed that
41:28vulnerability that I would be seen as
41:30weak Nathan I we both knew each other's
41:33teammates from these two tragedies and
41:35going through something similar I think
41:38immediately creates this bond one day we
41:41grabbed a cup of coffee and you know
41:44really just asked each other what can we
41:46do we decided that we wanted to use our
41:48stories to change our campus and that's
41:51really where the birth of damn words
41:52that came the Damned were that campaign
41:55tries to erase the stigma around mental
41:57health and make sure that every student
41:59athlete and person knows that they are
42:02damn worth it
42:03you know this all came from Taylor and I
42:05from tragedy because I lost a teammate I
42:08lost a friend to suicide and you know
42:11Tay as well when students talk about it
42:15it has a huge impact on campus it means
42:18a lot more when it comes from a peer
42:20students can do more to challenge the
42:23stigma around mental health than any
42:25administrator on his campus can do so
42:27the damn word that campaign is in terms
42:30of our campus it's grown dramatically we
42:32got a lot of media attention right away
42:35which grasped not only the Oregon
42:37community but the entire country's eyes
42:40and it started off with Nathan and I
42:42passing out about a hundred wristbands
42:44at a store mastics meat to 6000 fans
42:47holding up gold sign saying I'm damn
42:49worth it because at a football game
42:51to see that impact has been incredible
42:55the pac-12 caught word of this and they
42:59were like we love what you guys are
43:00doing can you take it to the rest of our
43:02member institutions we've presented in
43:05front of tens of thousands of people at
43:07this point
43:08and one of the biggest points in the
43:10presentations is this idea of
43:12masculinity for me masculinity has
43:16changed drastically over the last four
43:18years being vulnerable is one of the
43:21strongest things that you can do and it
43:23took a long time for me to learn that
43:30it's okay to not be okay that's that's
43:33the biggest message we're trying to
43:35display is that vulnerability is not
43:37weakness vulnerability is strength
43:39because that's when people relate to you
43:41that's when people connect to you and
43:42that's where change occurs
43:45[Music]
43:47I'm graduating and I'm so excited for
43:50ending this chapter you guys are on this
43:53committee because we saw dreamers in you
43:55the same way that Tay and I are Taylor
43:57and I are transitioning within them
43:59worth it into an advisory role you know
44:03letting the people that we selected take
44:05this thing in the future I still deal
44:09with my mental health on day to day
44:10basis and damned worth it was therapy
44:13for me it was always for others but you
44:17know somewhere deep inside of us Taylor
44:19and I both we needed this it was the
44:22first time that my story no longer
44:26controlled me I controlled my story and
44:30realizing just how powerful that is
44:35[Music]
44:41you
44:46more domination man definitely don't do
44:48that's good at the same time that I see
44:52a mental health crisis I also see a
44:55movement forming to address that
44:57challenge I don't know how many of you
44:59know but you don't have an anxiety
45:00disorder when I had my panic attack and
45:03had my episode I was out there on the
45:04floor there have been some very
45:07courageous influential athletes that
45:09have stepped forward and had the
45:10vulnerability and the courage to share
45:12what was going on with their own mental
45:15health challenges I'm not ashamed to say
45:17I'm mentally ill but that doesn't mean
45:20mentally weak athletes are see now is
45:24the time to speak out because they've
45:27been hurting for a long time mental
45:29health and wellness is an experience and
45:31a human condition and needs to be
45:32celebrated and not be made to feel
45:35inferior or that you're less than energy
45:38you have to give in to the shame and
45:39stigma of it I think we live a bit in
45:42the age of anxiety and I think it's
45:44amazing courage from players to come out
45:46and talk about these issues they're
45:48dealing with as you can get help people
45:51look up to athletes and they want to
45:53hear what we have to say and so I wanted
45:55to use that platform to make impact in
45:58people's lives and empower them to talk
46:01about mental health but you have that
46:10platform to change the world and so you
46:13know I'm okay with being vulnerable
46:15how I might be perceived but being that
46:17way my whole goal as a mental health
46:22advocate is to get people to understand
46:24that don't suffer in silence you can get
46:27help and get well I can be a
46:29spokesperson for it I'm not afraid what
46:31people think about me I want to help
46:33people and I mean there's so much more
46:35that we have to accomplish because
46:36there's so many people out there that go
46:38through battles and fight fights every
46:40single day but we're starting to see
46:41more and more people feel comfortable
46:43and trying to break the stigma we need
46:47to look at a fleet as real human beings
46:50and allow them to show their emotion and
46:52care about their health and well-being
46:53and not just entertain me it's time for
46:57us to educate people it's time for us to
46:59have the right conversations mental
47:01Fitness mental strength that's what we
47:03need to be talking about I've been
47:04seeing we're not where we want to be but
47:07we are excited about the progress that
47:09our community has made leagues
47:11administration CEOs are beginning to
47:14realize that mental health and wellness
47:16is a human condition and you aren't
47:19opening a Pandora's box when you attend
47:22to an athlete's mental health and
47:24wellness you actually open it up a
47:26treasure chest of untapped genius and
47:28talent the conversation is beginning to
47:31shift and there's a force coming that
47:36can't be stopped
47:43[Music]
48:14[Music]

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