Harvard negotiator explains how to argue | Dan Shapiro — Transcript

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1. 0:00- I personally feel uncomfortable around conflict.
2. 0:03- Now, we're here today to find out how to argue.
3. 0:06- But conflict is useful.
4. 0:08The question is, how do you deal with conflict
5. 0:10the most effectively?
6. 0:16Here we go.
7. 0:17I am author of Negotiating the Nonnegotiable:
8. 0:19How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally-Charged Conflicts.
9. 0:25Have you found yourself in an argument
10. 0:28that felt so frustrating,
11. 0:30so at a core aggravating?
12. 0:32- That's the silliest opinion I've ever heard.
13. 0:35- It felt just nonnegotiable?
14. 0:36Well, congratulations, you're a human being.
15. 0:39We all experience conflict in our lives,
16. 0:43and seeing what's going on in our world today,
17. 0:45my hunch is you were probably having
18. 0:47at least one of these conflicts about politics.
19. 0:50Our country has fallen into what I believe is a tribal trap.
20. 0:54Anything that that other side says,
21. 0:56I shall not believe, I shall not give any credibility to,
22. 1:00and I'm gonna do everything I can to prove I'm right,
23. 1:03you're wrong, and to stifle you down
24. 1:05to raise me up.
25. 1:06The problem is not with the what,
26. 1:09what are we arguing about,
27. 1:11the problem is with the how.
28. 1:12- How should we argue?
29. 1:15- How can we be more effective?
30. 1:17And what I've found is that there are three big barriers
31. 1:19that we can actually overcome
32. 1:21to have more effective conversations.
33. 1:23The big things, one, identity, two, appreciation,
34. 1:28and three, affiliation.
35. 1:30Let's start with identity.
36. 1:32- Now, first of all, this is a hot issue.
37. 1:35- Why do we get so emotional in these conflict situations?
38. 1:38It often goes back to something deeper: identity.
39. 1:41What are the core values, the core beliefs
40. 1:45that are feeling threatened inside of you
41. 1:47as you're having that conversation with the other side?
42. 1:50The moment your identity gets hooked in these conflicts,
43. 1:54all of a sudden your emotions become
44. 1:58Boy, this is a wholly different conflict now.
45. 2:00It's now your pride.
46. 2:01Your sense of self is on the line.
47. 2:04You need to know who you are and what you stand for.
48. 2:10What are the values and beliefs
49. 2:12that are driving me to fight for this stance on this issue?
50. 2:16The more you understand who you are,
51. 2:18the more you can try to get your purpose met
52. 2:20and stay balanced, even when the other threatens
53. 2:23those core values and beliefs.
54. 2:24Each side wants to feel appreciated,
55. 2:29and yet the last thing they wanna do
56. 2:31is to appreciate the other side.
57. 2:32That's a problem.
58. 2:34- Listen and understand.
59. 2:37- When you're in the midst of the conflict, don't talk.
60. 2:41Take the first 10 minutes.
61. 2:43Consciously listen to the other side.
62. 2:46What's the value behind their perspective?
63. 2:49What's the logic, the rationale?
64. 2:51Why do they hold this perspective on
65. 2:53immigration or healthcare?
66. 2:55Once you truly understand and see
67. 2:57the value in their perspective,
68. 2:59let them know I hear where you're coming from,
69. 3:01and you know what?
70. 3:02That makes sense.
71. 3:04There is nothing more in the world that we like
72. 3:06than to feel appreciated.
73. 3:08Recognize your power to appreciate them.
74. 3:14Third, affiliation.
75. 3:16What's the emotional connection like
76. 3:18between you and the other side?
77. 3:19We typically approach these conflict situations
78. 3:22as me versus you.
79. 3:23My opinion on healthcare versus yours,
80. 3:27my party's perspectives on immigration versus yours.
81. 3:30That's just gonna leave the two of you
82. 3:32like rams butting heads.
83. 3:34- Find common ground.
84. 3:39- Turn that other person from an adversary into a partner,
85. 3:43so it's no longer me versus you,
86. 3:45but the two of us facing the same shared problem.
87. 3:48Ask the other person, "Look, what's your advice
88. 3:51"on how we can get as many of our interests met
89. 3:53"at the same time?"
90. 3:54Change the nature of your conversation.
91. 3:57Now, you put these three things into practice,
92. 3:59it can transform your relationships.
93. 4:02Imagine what would happen if we started a revolution,
94. 4:06but a positive revolution of greater understanding,
95. 4:09greater appreciation, greater affiliation,
96. 4:12how we could transform politics,
97. 4:14how we could transform our country
98. 4:16and ultimately our world.
99. 4:17I believe it's possible, but it starts
100. 4:20with each one of us.