Handling Teens and Young Adults During and After Divorce. — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00[Music]
2. 0:17so hello
3. 0:18my name is georgian ford with the alpha
4. 0:20center for divorce mediation
5. 0:22and we're here today with one of our
6. 0:24expert attorney
7. 0:26mediators and her name is christine
8. 0:28lombardi's on
9. 0:29if you've watched any of the other blogs
10. 0:32in our resource center she's definitely
11. 0:34had always has some really helpful
12. 0:36information
13. 0:37so today christine it's my understanding
14. 0:40you're going to talk about
15. 0:42children and and how divorce affects
16. 0:44them but especially today you're
17. 0:45centering on uh
18. 0:46teenagers and going up to 21 year olds i
19. 0:50think you said
20. 0:51yeah absolutely so nice to see you
21. 0:53george anne
22. 0:54and thank you for being here with me um
23. 0:58so yes we talk about our teenagers the
24. 1:01children
25. 1:02um and you know i have two of them so
26. 1:06uh i've been focusing on that and i
27. 1:08thought this topic was really
28. 1:10appropriate given
29. 1:11um everything that's been going on so
30. 1:14this this particular segment i'm talking
31. 1:17about a certain age group so say 13 to
32. 1:1921.
33. 1:21um even though the 20 21 year olds would
34. 1:23say i'm not a teenager anymore
35. 1:27they still are and their brains aren't
36. 1:29formally developed yet
37. 1:30so i'm going to lump them into that
38. 1:32category
39. 1:35and i've seen a lot of my clients who
40. 1:37have children in this age group
41. 1:39and they struggle because they
42. 1:43you know they have a hard time
43. 1:45discerning or or splitting up
44. 1:47what is actually teenage behavior and
45. 1:49what is divorce related
46. 1:51teen behavior and so i think this would
47. 1:54be helpful to kind of just
48. 1:56kind of help parents think about okay
49. 1:58what are some things that i can do
50. 2:00to kind of alleviate all of those
51. 2:02stressors that are happening
52. 2:05and maybe kind of you know reduce some
53. 2:07of the teen
54. 2:09you know stressful behaviors that happen
55. 2:12right so um i've taken some of these
56. 2:15tips from
57. 2:16therapists that i've worked with um and
58. 2:20um the therapist said alpha okay the
59. 2:22parent mediators
60. 2:24so a lot of this information is where
61. 2:25that's coming from and then of course
62. 2:27from just the personal experience i've
63. 2:29had with my clients
64. 2:30um in managing them and and for doing
65. 2:32divorce litigation for
66. 2:34you know 10 years so the first thing
67. 2:37is when you have a a teenager
68. 2:41and you're going through a divorce or
69. 2:42you maybe you've already gone through it
70. 2:44you want to be present with your teen it
71. 2:46is very
72. 2:47easy to just kind of fly off the handle
73. 2:50and
74. 2:50and jump on them because you know maybe
75. 2:52they're sleeping in too late
76. 2:54or you know they're mouthy and you might
77. 2:56want to attribute all of that
78. 2:58to the divorce well not all of this is
79. 3:01divorce related behaviors
80. 3:03and we have to remember that they are
81. 3:05teenagers first and foremost
82. 3:07right so one of the things that i i
83. 3:10found that has been the common
84. 3:11denominator is just be present
85. 3:15a lot of these parents feel that they
86. 3:17have to
87. 3:18spend as much time with the child right
88. 3:22who has more time
89. 3:23well a teenager doesn't necessarily want
90. 3:25to be with the parents
91. 3:26all the time right they want to do other
92. 3:28things
93. 3:30so after you can get over that hump of
94. 3:33knowing that you're not going to have as
95. 3:35much time as you thought you were going
96. 3:36to have
97. 3:37the time that you do have with them you
98. 3:39want to be present
99. 3:40and i've spent a lot of time researching
100. 3:43presence
101. 3:44and mindfulness um i've written blogs
102. 3:46about it
103. 3:47um and so when you're with your child
104. 3:51even if it's for 15 20 minutes
105. 3:54you want to give 100 of yourself to that
106. 3:56child
107. 3:58and you want to scroll down i'm just
108. 4:00thinking that's probably pretty hard
109. 4:02when you're going through this emotional
110. 4:04turmoil so this is this is helpful just
111. 4:07to have us hear this and remind us
112. 4:10right and exactly what i'm saying here
113. 4:12is nothing
114. 4:13new it's not new rocket science it's
115. 4:15stuff that we need reminders
116. 4:17um and anybody that's going through a
117. 4:19divorce you need those constant
118. 4:21reminders you need that support
119. 4:22that reinforcement so this is your
120. 4:25reminder
121. 4:26right be present put whatever you have
122. 4:29going on
123. 4:29aside for that 15-20 minutes and give it
124. 4:32to your child
125. 4:35okay um and what that means
126. 4:38is you know pay attention to what
127. 4:40they're saying so
128. 4:42i'll come back to that in a minute the
129. 4:44second thing
130. 4:45is to be flexible you know a lot of
131. 4:48parents i've seen this
132. 4:49they want to revolve the custody
133. 4:51schedules around their work
134. 4:53or their lives and with teenagers it's
135. 4:56really hard
136. 4:58these kids have been going through a
137. 5:00tremendous amount of change with
138. 5:02living in a pandemic you know their
139. 5:05educational life has been disrupted
140. 5:07you know some of them might be learning
141. 5:08online versus
142. 5:10you know they might not see their
143. 5:12friends on a regular basis
144. 5:14um so there's a lot of things going on
145. 5:15behind the scenes that the teens might
146. 5:17not
147. 5:18tell you about but that are going on so
148. 5:21if you can be flexible um
149. 5:24you know you might have a child that
150. 5:27says hey do you want to go get a bite to
151. 5:29eat
152. 5:29whereas you probably were planning to
153. 5:31make a nice meal and do a b
154. 5:33c and d but the kids like hey do you
155. 5:36want to just go grab a bite to eat
156. 5:38i'm going to go out on a limb and say
157. 5:40drop what you're doing and go out to eat
158. 5:42with your kid
159. 5:44keep the leftovers for tomorrow but make
160. 5:46them the priority
161. 5:48give them that hour and a half whatever
162. 5:50time it is and go sit and have a meal
163. 5:52with them
164. 5:53it makes it makes a lot of sense because
165. 5:55it's so hard to get time with them
166. 5:56anyway because they don't really want to
167. 5:57spend a lot of time
168. 5:59so right yeah when they call
169. 6:02you kind of have to go because you know
170. 6:04they could be reaching out
171. 6:06that they need you or it might just be
172. 6:08something simple as they just want to go
173. 6:09get food
174. 6:10but at least if you're there with them
175. 6:11it makes a difference
176. 6:13um my third tip is really important
177. 6:16and it's something that i personally
178. 6:18will continue probably until the day i
179. 6:21die
180. 6:21to work on and that is to listen
181. 6:25um i teach it in my communication class
182. 6:27believe it or not
183. 6:29we only hear 25 of what is being spoken
184. 6:32to us
185. 6:33at a given time that's a fact
186. 6:37and then i have everybody say oh but i'm
187. 6:39a good listener nope
188. 6:40the best listeners 25
189. 6:44so um when you're with your child
190. 6:47and you're being present and you're
191. 6:49talking to them you want to show that
192. 6:51you're actively listening
193. 6:52and people don't know what active
194. 6:54listening necessarily means
195. 6:56well that means you're physically
196. 6:58showing them
197. 6:59that you're paying attention and that
198. 7:01whatever they're saying
199. 7:02is getting inside so
200. 7:05one of the things i suggest is like
201. 7:07paraphrasing or
202. 7:09mirroring what the child's saying so if
203. 7:11they said
204. 7:12you know that they had a tough game and
205. 7:14they feel like they ruined the game
206. 7:16you know you can go back and say you
207. 7:18know gosh
208. 7:20i i feel like you you feel like you were
209. 7:22completely responsible for this
210. 7:26you know and then have a discussion
211. 7:28about it and another thing you can do to
212. 7:30show
213. 7:31active listening is ask questions you
214. 7:34know
215. 7:34and guide the conversation well you know
216. 7:38why do you feel like you ruined the game
217. 7:41you know and then kind of let the child
218. 7:43kind of tell take you where they want to
219. 7:45go with the conversation
220. 7:47um sometimes the kids want to vent
221. 7:52you know and they want someone to hear
222. 7:53them and i will tell you when you do
223. 7:56that and that goes for all of us we all
224. 7:57want to be
225. 7:58heard right and when you are heard
226. 8:01it shows that you value that person and
227. 8:05you know i say i think especially for
228. 8:06the teens right now
229. 8:08having that positive reinforcement will
230. 8:11really help
231. 8:12you know with them so what happens i'm
232. 8:15just wondering what happens if you feel
233. 8:17like they don't
234. 8:19they maybe they want to talk but they
235. 8:20don't really they're not telling you
236. 8:22they want to talk
237. 8:23i guess it's asking questions like you
238. 8:25said yeah
239. 8:27well i call that peeling the onion
240. 8:30so you know the onion has layers and a
241. 8:33teenager has
242. 8:34layers so
243. 8:37you know teens you need to peel the
244. 8:39onion
245. 8:40right because it's it's like oh how was
246. 8:42school today fine
247. 8:44that's that's what i'm saying well okay
248. 8:47it was
249. 8:47fine but you don't look fine you know
250. 8:50and then you ask directed questions like
251. 8:52well how's your math class going and
252. 8:54you know how are the assignments that
253. 8:56you're doing and what are you learning
254. 8:57right now in math
255. 8:59and if you keep asking questions that
256. 9:00are specific and targeted
257. 9:02you're gonna you're gonna break open
258. 9:04somewhere
259. 9:06and they'll usually end up spilling
260. 9:09helpful very helpful
261. 9:10yeah the other thing and this is a
262. 9:13standard but i put it in every single
263. 9:14one because we can't have enough
264. 9:16reminders
265. 9:16is don't talk about the other parent and
266. 9:21much easier said than done right right
267. 9:24um sometimes the kids bring up the other
268. 9:27parent
269. 9:27because they're frustrated with that
270. 9:28parent and they're trying to play you
271. 9:32um so you have to be really careful and
272. 9:34you don't necessarily have to defend
273. 9:36the other parent but you don't want to
274. 9:38jump on
275. 9:39the kid's side against the parent
276. 9:42and and you know pick a side if you will
277. 9:45um so you just kind of want to be what i
278. 9:46call plain vanilla neutral
279. 9:49and you know i'm you know gosh i'm sorry
280. 9:52you had a fight with your dad
281. 9:54you know sorry
282. 9:57that stinks i love that plain vanilla
283. 10:00yeah plant but that's like that stick so
284. 10:02i'll remember that and i'm
285. 10:04sure whoever's listening is going to
286. 10:05remember that yep i've done a lot of
287. 10:07reading on that i've done
288. 10:08a lot with my clients um you know
289. 10:10because i remind them as we're going
290. 10:12through the process you know
291. 10:13just because we're doing mediation
292. 10:15doesn't mean it's always easy
293. 10:17you know there's always hiccups and so i
294. 10:19remind them i'm like playing vanilla
295. 10:21just bring it down that's between child
296. 10:25and parent
297. 10:25not you um especially at the divorces
298. 10:28final
299. 10:29you know there's really no reason to
300. 10:31have a communication
301. 10:33or engage and then one of the things
302. 10:36that i
303. 10:37found that i've seen often is there's
304. 10:40usually one parent and
305. 10:41it's not necessarily gender specific
306. 10:45but there's usually one parent that's
307. 10:46always defending themselves
308. 10:49and usually it's the parent that leaves
309. 10:51the relationship
310. 10:53you know because they feel like they've
311. 10:54broken up the family and they've
312. 10:56disrupted the
313. 10:57the unit and so that person usually
314. 11:01feels like they have to defend
315. 11:03themselves all the time
316. 11:04and the therapists tell me you don't
317. 11:07have to defend yourself
318. 11:09you know just stop because when you
319. 11:12defend yourself
320. 11:14it's like you're engaging and you're
321. 11:16kind of dredging up
322. 11:17some stuff on the bottom of the ocean
323. 11:19floor that we don't really want to deal
324. 11:21with or see
325. 11:22stuff that should just kind of stay
326. 11:24there so
327. 11:25um teens are very good at kind of you
328. 11:28know
329. 11:29sparking little fights here and there or
330. 11:31you know kind of getting your blood
331. 11:33pressure up in a very short amount of
332. 11:35time
333. 11:37so um you know the therapists have
334. 11:40uniformly said you know it is no benefit
335. 11:43to engage or even defend
336. 11:49and you know that's a hard that is
337. 11:51probably the hardest tip here to swallow
338. 11:53is you know because you want to explain
339. 11:56like you know
340. 11:57why did i leave or you know why did he
341. 11:59leave where i want you to understand my
342. 12:01side of things
343. 12:03no i feel like you're really talk i mean
344. 12:06and it's so difficult that whole
345. 12:07self-management and that's
346. 12:09that's a big piece that's needed for
347. 12:11what you're saying
348. 12:13yeah so even though this is about the
349. 12:15team
350. 12:16it's really about you and like you said
351. 12:18how you are managing
352. 12:20because at the end of the day you're the
353. 12:22parent you're the adult
354. 12:24you are still responsible for guiding
355. 12:26them into adulthood
356. 12:29and you know yes you want to show them
357. 12:31love you want to show them support
358. 12:33um you know if if a child comes back and
359. 12:36is angry with you if you're the
360. 12:38spouse that left for example and they
361. 12:40want to fight about it
362. 12:41you just stop and you say i'm sorry you
363. 12:44feel that way
364. 12:46i don't agree with you but i understand
365. 12:48how you feel
366. 12:50but i love you and i'm here for you and
367. 12:53you just
368. 12:54cut it off um great reminders
369. 12:59yeah and it works um so you know if
370. 13:03if you take these tips if anybody takes
371. 13:05them even if you take one tip and work
372. 13:07on it
373. 13:07um it helps and i'll tell you you know a
374. 13:10lot of parents are realizing that
375. 13:12even though they don't live in the house
376. 13:14with their child a hundred percent of
377. 13:16the time
378. 13:17even if they only see the teen like
379. 13:19maybe once or twice a week
380. 13:21for maybe an hour or two that quality
381. 13:24time
382. 13:24is worth more than a week in the house
383. 13:27together
384. 13:27being in separate rooms on your
385. 13:29electronics
386. 13:31good point and it might end up making
387. 13:33your relationship that much better
388. 13:36you bring so much that we aren't
389. 13:37thinking about and thank you
390. 13:39thank you to thank you for all you
391. 13:41shared
392. 13:42and anyone who's thinking about
393. 13:46looking into divorce mediation has
394. 13:48questions or would like a consultation
395. 13:50with one of our experts
396. 13:52please feel free to call our office at
397. 13:571-800-310-9085
398. 13:58christina thanks for being our guest and
399. 14:00we look forward to every time you're on
400. 14:02thank you so much you're welcome